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Been stuck on this for days

My mom told me in a phone conversation that she thinks I will only have one child, because that is all she thinks I could handle with my level of patience.  Are you kidding me?  Couldn't there be a nicer way to word that?  Christ, I all ready have fears of parenting (I have been told this is completely normal). Then she told me she thinks my twin sister should have a third child and could do a wonderful job as a mom of three. I am really upset by all of this. 
  My youngest sister had a child too young.  My mother CONVINCED her to keep it, and not give it up for adoption because she would never be able to get over it.  Several years later, the state took her child away.  It really pisses me off that my mother thinks I am beneath my heroin addicted little sister as far as parenting skills go. I know I should probably consider the source, but, I could be pregnant already, and I don't need to hear from someone close to me that this next step is probably something I can't handle.
  She could have said, "You have plenty of time to figure out how many children you want to have.  If you want one, that is fine, if you want more, you can always decide that, down the road."  Seriously, if it weren't for my sister, I'd have lost my shit, with my family, years ago. Just venting, sorry.

Re: Been stuck on this for days

  • I'm sorry this happened.  Yes, there was a nicer way to word that.  That is so hurtful.  There is no basis for her ramblings about you and your sister.  Vent all you like, that's what we're here for!

    My mom said something similar once - "You're so blessed... but I think you're going to have fertility problems."   I was like 21.  I still am freaked out I'll never get pregnant.   That stuff sticks with you.  

    If you ever want to talk about this kind of thing, feel free to PM me.  My mom is routinely difficult, and I'm so sorry to hear you had something similar happen.
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  • Gross. You'll at least be a better mother that you won't say that kind of shit to your kids. I'm sorry Muffin. She was totally out of line.

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  • LondonLisaLondonLisa member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited January 2015
    That is really hurtful- I'm so sorry she said that.  Your mother sounds like my friend "Jane's" mother. Anytime Jane does something great, her mother finds a way to cut her down. In school, Jane "always" needed to lose weight (she didn't need it in the sligtest!) because "no one loves porky girls" (her mum's words) or it was a shame she couldn't be as good in sport or school like (insert any other girls name here). It was really sad and took her a long time to get in a good place to ignore her. Her mother never went back to a promising career after her and her brother were born (which is fine, feminism is all about choice!)  and Jane ended up in the same industry as her mother. As soon as she started meeting and exceeding her mother's work accomplishments, her mother would make sure to cut her down. It was petty jealousy and although her mother loves Jane, this is a completely mean and irrational reaction to it. Now especially since Jane has children and has gone back to work, her mother's toxic behaviour is so bad that she had to end up seriously limiting her contact. It is sad. Her mother is so self-conscious and jealous that it kills her to see Jane and her health, happy, loving family/ successful career. 

    Do you think this might be a little bit of jealously like that? Here you have a great relationship, career, and are well adjusted. Thinking about a family and I'm sure you will be a great parent. You are probably going to easily surpass her skills in the parenting department as well.

    I'm not saying it is ok, and toxic behaviour can hurt just as much as physical violence, but sometimes if you know the reasons why the are so mean, it is easier to let it roll of your back. 

    Just remember: this isn't about YOU and your skills- this is about your mother and her needing to cut others down to feel better about herself and her failures.
  • Ugh. Family has a way of saying the worst, most hurtful stuff. That was awful of her. I'm sorry. You should have said that at least you'd be a good enough mother not to say horrible shit to your own kids. 

    Sounds like my dad. I asked him for advice on applying to grad school and his advice was that I shouldn't apply at all because I would fail out. I now have my master's degree and he brags to all his friends that the reason I made it through school was because he's such a positive influence in my life. Yeah fuckin' right, asshole. He always underestimates me, though, so I should not have been surprised. He doesn't know me at all. 

    Your mom is clearly underestimating you, and I'd bet it's a projection of her own short-comings as a mother because it sounds like she is far from perfect. I'm sure you'll be an amazing mom. She's given you a great example of what not to do! 
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  • Do what I do- Pretend everything your mom says is a big joke and she has early onset dementia and so she lost her filter.

    Just kidding. I never take anything my mom says to me seriously because mother's have a way of being the BIGGEST bitches we will ever know.
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  • My mom told me, "you are NEVER going to find a man who can give you all the understanding and comfort you need"

    She was wrong, I have been married to him for nearly 22 years.


  • edited January 2015

    If it makes you feel any better, every time I see my mom, she tries to convince me to get my tubes tied. :/ 

     

    Edit: I should also clarify that I do not currently have any children.  So it's not one of those "you have enough kids already" things.

    But, in her defense, she means it with the best of intentions.  I don't plan to have kids anyway.  And I do have some health conditions that would make pregnancy more complicated.  But, even so, the idea of her trying so hard to push infertility on me, even if for good reasons, does irk me the wrong way. I could always change my mind in the future about wanting kids.

     

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  • Ugh, I probably would have said something bitchy like, "wow you handled 3 kids really well, mom! You're a hero! Look how well you handled (little sister)." Even though your little sister's problems are probably not your mom's fault. But I would try to play on her guilt to make her feel like shit because I'm a bitch like that. 

    I'm sure you'll be a great mom! Everyone worries about parenting. It's a huge responsibility and you have SO much influence. Who wouldn't worry about that? Have as many kids as YOU think you can handle and support financially and ignore your mom's disrespectful comments.

    Just don't deny the kid fruit snacks, whatever you do. 
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  • I'm so sorry. That is absolutely terrible, and your mother should know better. I'm so mad that she doesn't.

    I am sure you will be a good mother--the fact that you're even worried about being one proves that to me. Because you give a shit. 

    Maybe you'll have one, maybe you'll have 5. It'll be your choice, and I'm sure it will be wonderful.

    Perhaps I am a mean, vindictive bitch (spoiler: yes), but I would be tempted to tell my mom, "Oh, you just think that because I have no patience for you. I have plenty of patience for people who don't compare me to a person whose first child was actually removed from her care by the state." <hangs up>
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    This baby knows exactly how I feel
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