Commitment Ceremony

AlexisA01

One of my very close friends, Amanda, is in a relationship with Donald. They are not interested in marriage but Amanda was telling me that they would agree on having a commitment ceremony. I not aware of the whole logistics of having commitment ceremony but what does it entail. Do you all like them? Are they good for couples who chose to not get married? I admit that I do not know much about them and she told me that he wants to spend their lives together but chose to not get married. I know Donald gave her a ring. I figured I would ask on here since you would know more about this stuff.

larrygaga

Just get your parents to buy you promise rings and call it a day.

JennyColada

I don't really see the point in having a wedding without the legal-ness (aside from, of course, LGBT who in some areas CAN'T).

flutteringinfl

Sounds like they want to have a wedding without really having a wedding (will they be expecting gifts?). Unless there's something legally preventing the couple from being married, I don't see the point.

theartistformerlyknownas

So they want to have a party and get the gifts but just not get legally married? Skeptical face. 

AlexisA01

flutteringinfl said:

Sounds like they want to have a wedding without really having a wedding (will they be expecting gifts?). Unless there's something legally preventing the couple from being married, I don't see the point.

I don't see the point either . I know Donald was never into marriage, he had a horrible divorce, so between them I guess from a legal standpointsthey don't want to mix financial assets. When Amanda told me she was doing this, I was really in awe because I had not idea what to say and it could seem gift grabby. I knew growing up some of the adults in my parent's had them but I didn't think much of it. 

chibiyui

Enh. If they give me cake and don't throw a registry in my face, whatever.

But I'd side eye.

bethsmiles

chibiyui said:

Enh. If they give me cake and don't throw a registry in my face, whatever.

But I'd side eye.

This. I enjoy all opportunities to have cake. I don't really see the point but I mean even if you are legally getting married the big party isn't necessary. If people want to have a big party to say "Yay we are going to be together forever, but don't feel like the government needs to be involved" I don't really care.

wrigleyville

I think they're weird and gift-grabby and attention-whore-y when straight people do them. I get why some gay couples do it, as gay marriage isn't legal in every state. Those gay couples don't really have a choice, unless they want to have a DW.

All of the "commitment ceremony" packages I saw when scoping Vegas venues were designed for gay couples who could not get legally married. I'm sure the chapels and casinos would have been happy to take money from straight couples who didn't want a legal marriage, but I'm sure there would have been some side-eye-ing going on there too.

It's not technically against etiquette or anything like that, but I find it unnecessary and weird.

doeydo

My uncle and his wife did this.  They just went up into the mountains by themselves and had a ceremony performed by themselves and then spent the rest of the time in a cabin (or it might have been a trailer, I can't remember).  Anyways, they were slightly odd ducks and it made sense for them.

buttercup1958

I honestly don't care if people have commitment ceremonies or are legally wed. I mean if they host people well then I can't see anything wrong with this.  

Wegl13

What it sounds like I'm hearing is that Amanda wants to be married but Donald doesn't because he's been burned before, so he's willing to do the pomp and circumstance (ring, party, etc) but not the actual marriage part. I really don't care what people do with their lives, but I do judge a little when it seems like a couple is on different pages on this, because it eventually will blow up if that's not what Amanda actually wants.

AlexisA01

Wegl13 said:

What it sounds like I'm hearing is that Amanda wants to be married but Donald doesn't because he's been burned before, so he's willing to do the pomp and circumstance (ring, party, etc) but not the actual marriage part. I really don't care what people do with their lives, but I do judge a little when it seems like a couple is on different pages on this, because it eventually will blow up if that's not what Amanda actually wants.

I agree! I think they want different things out of this situations but she wants to settle for second best in this scenario. 

Cookie Pusher

Would they fall under the category of common-law after this commitment ceremony (not sure what the laws are where they live)? Because if they do, I don't really see the point of not having a legal ceremony.

flutteringinfl

AlexisA01 said:

show previous quotes

Wegl13 said:

What it sounds like I'm hearing is that Amanda wants to be married but Donald doesn't because he's been burned before, so he's willing to do the pomp and circumstance (ring, party, etc) but not the actual marriage part. I really don't care what people do with their lives, but I do judge a little when it seems like a couple is on different pages on this, because it eventually will blow up if that's not what Amanda actually wants.

I agree! I think they want different things out of this situations but she wants to settle for second best in this scenario. 

I think she's going to regret that soon enough...

kaitlynmichelle

This seems like a bad plan for her if this isn't what she really wants. I second the common law question, not sure what the laws are in their location.

lyndausvi

I find the whole thing sad.   It's like all she wants is the pretty princess day with all the pomp and circumstance.  I can't help to wonder if she will realize that in the end she just settled?    After that one fun day life will go back to status quo.

That said, as long as they are hosting people properly I don't generally care what the reason for throwing a party.

BrandNewJ

I also read it as this is something Donald wants to do to appease Amanda. I think it's fine as long as they host everyone properly, but I do feel like it won't end well for Amanda. 

If that isn't the case, then I agree completely with @wrigleyville‌ that it's gift grabbing and AW. That, I would not attend.

chibiyui

flutteringinfl said:

show previous quotes

AlexisA01 said:

Wegl13 said:

What it sounds like I'm hearing is that Amanda wants to be married but Donald doesn't because he's been burned before, so he's willing to do the pomp and circumstance (ring, party, etc) but not the actual marriage part. I really don't care what people do with their lives, but I do judge a little when it seems like a couple is on different pages on this, because it eventually will blow up if that's not what Amanda actually wants.

I agree! I think they want different things out of this situations but she wants to settle for second best in this scenario. 

I think she's going to regret that soon enough...

I change my answer. This will probably end badly.

wrigleyville

doeydo said:

My uncle and his wife did this.  They just went up into the mountains by themselves and had a ceremony performed by themselves and then spent the rest of the time in a cabin (or it might have been a trailer, I can't remember).  Anyways, they were slightly odd ducks and it made sense for them.

I don't see anything wrong with this at all. 

I judge it when it's basically a fake wedding ceremony with the fancy dress, wedding party, etc.

theartistformerlyknownas

doeydo said:

My uncle and his wife did this.  They just went up into the mountains by themselves and had a ceremony performed by themselves and then spent the rest of the time in a cabin (or it might have been a trailer, I can't remember).  Anyways, they were slightly odd ducks and it made sense for them.

That's totally different if it's done in private. Do whatever you want in your own time, when you aren't asking people to spend time and money on celebrating something that just seems like an attention grab. All of us were in committed relationships before we got married/engaged. Lots more people are, and intend to stay that way, without the pomp and show.

AlexisA01

Cookie Pusher said:

Would they fall under the category of common-law after this commitment ceremony (not sure what the laws are where they live)? Because if they do, I don't really see the point of not having a legal ceremony.

Virginia does not partcipate in common law.

AlexisA01

I would love for them to get married, they are committed together but I can't help but wonder when they plan on having kids, how will that work out. Amanda is one my closest friends and her SO hangs out with mine. I'm at a lost for her because it could and more than likely end up horribly wrong.It's one situation where I do not know how to approach her about this.

ohannabelle

 It's more like a non-commitment ceremony, because one of the parties doesn't want to commit. 

I find this sad.  

[Deleted User]

larrygaga

You don't approach her with it. She's an adult (I assume) and doesn't need you hovering over her making her decisions for her. 

AlexisA01

larrygaga said:

You don't approach her with it. She's an adult (I assume) and doesn't need you hovering over her making her decisions for her. 

Well I mean when she ask me about it since she talking to me about it and recently asking for my advice about the whole ordeal and how will it affect her with children. I am not hovering over her or making decisions for her. 

lc07

I don't side-eye this. To each their own. There are lots of legal and financial reasons for people not to be married. And I admire people for "going against the norm" when they know that this is what they want in life. Beats making a huge legal contract that you don't really want to be making just because that's what other people do.

hellohkb

lc07 said:

I don't side-eye this. To each their own. There are lots of legal and financial reasons for people not to be married. And I admire people for "going against the norm" when they know that this is what they want in life. Beats making a huge legal contract that you don't really want to be making just because that's what other people do.

This. As long as they don't register or call it a wedding, this wouldn't be something I'd side eye. To each their own. It's better to have a commitment ceremony than to go through the trouble of getting married then divorced.

CMGragain

The only time I have ever heard of this being done is with seniors, who don't want to confuse their estates.  They ask for a church blessing, but not a legal marriage.

Why young people would do this is beyond my understanding.  I would not attend.

lurkergirl

I don't get it. If you don't believe in marriage, then don't get married. Why would you have a pretend wedding?