How can I explain to my family why I won't invite my Aunt and Uncle?

lembaslover

I've discussed this with my mom several times and while each time I explain my reasons again, she agrees with me, and then a couple weeks go by and she calls to tell me someone else is hurt I'm not inviting them and she asks if I'll reconsider.

I don't want to invite them because they are really bad people. While they haven't been physically abusive (to my knowledge) we have proof that they have stolen from my grandmother on multiple occasions. We also know that while she lived near them (she has recently moved in with one of my other aunts) that they neglected her, rarely checking to see how she was, and only taking her out of her house to go to the doctor if she had an appointment and to get groceries once or twice a month depending on if they needed them. 

As if that stuff wasn't bad enough, my uncle is just a rude obnoxious man. He never stops talking (mostly just talking about himself in his glory days) and when I say never I mean never. He'll make whatever comments he wants through the ceremony and reception and will just ruin the wedding. Also he had the nerve to say to me "I can't wait for your wedding, you know I wouldn't even go but since I heard your mom say it's in a castle I won't miss it." Which most people might take as a joke except he was dead serious and this was before anything about the invite list had come out.

Anyways my mom just keeps saying that I need to forgive and that I'm hurting the family who is finally healing since my grandma moved in with my other aunt. I guess since my grandmother is no longer being stolen from and neglected the rest of the family has just decided to forget that my aunt and uncle are just terrible people. I can't accept that and I honestly think that they will ruin my wedding if they are there. I don't want to have to have this conversation every couple of weeks until my wedding, it is stressful and emotional for me too, so how do I get my mom and all the other people who are hurt that I am excluding them off my case for good?

lovegood90

I'm glad to hear your grandmother is being treated better now! Who's paying for the wedding? If you are paying for the wedding, you have 100% say on the guest list and people's complaints can fall on deaf ears.

lyndausvi

As much as we don't want to sometimes we have to just be blunt and truthful.   Sometimes you just have to say "the subject is CLOSED".    I know it's hard to say things to parents and elder family members, but if they won't give up that you have to be verbally forceful.

Good Luck.

AddieCake

If you are paying, tell your mother they are not invited and that you will not be discussing it further.

southernbelle0915

If your mom contributing money to your wedding, she gets a say. If you are paying for it, she doesn't get a say.

If you're paying, you invite whoever you want. Learn to state the fact and change the subject. With persistent pressure, excuse yourself or wash/repeat.

You're an adult now.. This isn't you explaining why you want to stay out past 1am where you need reasons and a convincing argument. You're paying, the answer is "no and the subject is closed."

xx802xx

If you are paying for your wedding you can invite anyone you want and exclude anyone you want. That being said, it doesn't mean that people will not be offended or hurt that you didn't invite them of other family members. This seems like something that you are firm about and if it won't cause you any more tension offending people about who's not invited...stick to it. Your probably going to offend other family members and cause some tension...but you can say that the topic is not something you want to discuss and you have thought your guest list through.

HaileyDancingbear

Knottie63145828 said:

I've discussed this with my mom several times and while each time I explain my reasons again, she agrees with me, and then a couple weeks go by and she calls to tell me someone else is hurt I'm not inviting them and she asks if I'll reconsider.

I don't want to invite them because they are really bad people. While they haven't been physically abusive (to my knowledge) we have proof that they have stolen from my grandmother on multiple occasions. We also know that while she lived near them (she has recently moved in with one of my other aunts) that they neglected her, rarely checking to see how she was, and only taking her out of her house to go to the doctor if she had an appointment and to get groceries once or twice a month depending on if they needed them. 

As if that stuff wasn't bad enough, my uncle is just a rude obnoxious man. He never stops talking (mostly just talking about himself in his glory days) and when I say never I mean never. He'll make whatever comments he wants through the ceremony and reception and will just ruin the wedding. Also he had the nerve to say to me "I can't wait for your wedding, you know I wouldn't even go but since I heard your mom say it's in a castle I won't miss it." Which most people might take as a joke except he was dead serious and this was before anything about the invite list had come out.

Anyways my mom just keeps saying that I need to forgive and that I'm hurting the family who is finally healing since my grandma moved in with my other aunt. I guess since my grandmother is no longer being stolen from and neglected the rest of the family has just decided to forget that my aunt and uncle are just terrible people. I can't accept that and I honestly think that they will ruin my wedding if they are there. I don't want to have to have this conversation every couple of weeks until my wedding, it is stressful and emotional for me too, so how do I get my mom and all the other people who are hurt that I am excluding them off my case for good?

Ok, the bolded parts are out of line if you ask me.  The whole "You're hurting the family by not doing X" and "People in the family are getting hurt because you're not doing X" is just how a manipulative relative says  "I didn't get my way so I'm going to try to make you feel bad until I get my way."  

If you don't want that aunt and uncle at the wedding, they don't need to be there.  In your shoes I'd be tempted to call your mother out on guilt-tripping you, but if you don't want to do that, just respond to ANY inquiry about your aunt and uncle with this: "I've already made up my mind and I am not changing it." and change the subject.  If she asks again, just repeat that sentence again.  Just say that sentence over and over and over and over again.  Repeat it 20 times if you have to.  Eventually she'll get sick of hearing you say the same thing over and over again, and realize that the conversation isn't going anywhere, and drop it.  

lembaslover

I'm so glad my grandma is being taken care of now, she doesn't seem to even be aware that this stuff happened to her which is really sad and I've been told I can't tell her which makes it hard to explain to her why they aren't invited...

My parents are contributing so I guess that's where it does get a little bit sticky. But My fiance and I are paying for over 3/4 of it so while I agree they get a say I feel like we should get veto power. I mean this isn't really about the fact that they invited too many guests its that I have a specific objection to this particular guest. I think the hardest part is just that she keeps agreeing with me and we agree it's closed and then she just keeps bringing it back up. 

Thank you, I guess next time I'll just try to be firmer even though that's hard, I'm really not a confrontational person.

AddieCake

Next time she says so and so is so hurt, ask if it matters to her that YOU will be hurting if you are forced to invite them.

lembaslover

Thank you, I will do that. I think that is a good way to maybe make her see things in a different way. 

zitiqueen

You need to stop explaining your reasons for not inviting them. This gives her ammunition to try to get you to change your mind. Just tell her the subject is closed, and change the subject, hang up the phone, or leave. If she uses her contribution to the wedding as a weapon, decline it/return it and pay for your wedding yourselves. Then you get to call all the shots.

danamw

I think your mother is exaggerating saying people are "hurt" because this aunt & uncle aren't invited.

Maybe they are surprised, but maybe a few are relieved!

Don't invite them if you don't want to.

MandyMost

Of course you don't have to invite them if you don't want to, but this isn't like not inviting a friend. These are relatives. You choice in this matter will forever impact the family dynamic. Apparently your mother and others just want to gloss over everything for some family harmony. You don't. You should realize that YOU are the one causing discord here, not them. That's fine if you're willing to accept it. Your mother clearly doesn't want you to be the person who causes family problems and the reason the family can't get together at other times, You clearly don't care.

Yes, it's your wedding, but you need to decide if the invite list to your wedding is important enough to you to forever affect the family dynamic in this way. Maybe you never want to be a part of this family, and it's fine with you. In that case, you also should think of your mother, who clearly does want to be a part of the family. Is it worth it, just for not inviting them?

flantastic

MandyMost said:

Of course you don't have to invite them if you don't want to, but this isn't like not inviting a friend. These are relatives. You choice in this matter will forever impact the family dynamic. Apparently your mother and others just want to gloss over everything for some family harmony. You don't. You should realize that YOU are the one causing discord here, not them. That's fine if you're willing to accept it. Your mother clearly doesn't want you to be the person who causes family problems and the reason the family can't get together at other times, You clearly don't care.

Yes, it's your wedding, but you need to decide if the invite list to your wedding is important enough to you to forever affect the family dynamic in this way. Maybe you never want to be a part of this family, and it's fine with you. In that case, you also should think of your mother, who clearly does want to be a part of the family. Is it worth it, just for not inviting them?

The only people whose dynamic should be affected is the OP and her FI - I can't see how aunts and uncles would get mad at one another because a niece, apart from them, chose to exclude one set of them. OP seems fine with not speaking to the aunt and uncle, and who knows, other family members may choose to take "sides" against the OP. But "changing the family dynamic" as a whole seems implausible.

What would be unfair is if OP's mom got blamed, but I think she's excusing herself from responsibility for the decision already.

KatieinBkln

MandyMost said:

Of course you don't have to invite them if you don't want to, but this isn't like not inviting a friend. These are relatives. You choice in this matter will forever impact the family dynamic. Apparently your mother and others just want to gloss over everything for some family harmony. You don't. You should realize that YOU are the one causing discord here, not them. That's fine if you're willing to accept it. Your mother clearly doesn't want you to be the person who causes family problems and the reason the family can't get together at other times, You clearly don't care.

Yes, it's your wedding, but you need to decide if the invite list to your wedding is important enough to you to forever affect the family dynamic in this way. Maybe you never want to be a part of this family, and it's fine with you. In that case, you also should think of your mother, who clearly does want to be a part of the family. Is it worth it, just for not inviting them?

Forever seems pretty dramatic.

I would have thought that stealing from and neglecting the family matriarch would affect the family dynamic forever, but apparently this family is happy to forget about that. A wedding invite snub should be even easier to move past.

Jen4948

KatieinBkln said:

MandyMost said:

Of course you don't have to invite them if you don't want to, but this isn't like not inviting a friend. These are relatives. You choice in this matter will forever impact the family dynamic. Apparently your mother and others just want to gloss over everything for some family harmony. You don't. You should realize that YOU are the one causing discord here, not them. That's fine if you're willing to accept it. Your mother clearly doesn't want you to be the person who causes family problems and the reason the family can't get together at other times, You clearly don't care.

Yes, it's your wedding, but you need to decide if the invite list to your wedding is important enough to you to forever affect the family dynamic in this way. Maybe you never want to be a part of this family, and it's fine with you. In that case, you also should think of your mother, who clearly does want to be a part of the family. Is it worth it, just for not inviting them?

Forever seems pretty dramatic.

I would have thought that stealing from and neglecting the family matriarch would affect the family dynamic forever, but apparently this family is happy to forget about that. A wedding invite snub should be even easier to move past.

I have to agree. It's not up to anyone but the OP to decide what the dynamic between her and this aunt and uncle should be, and she's not interested in having a relationship with them. No doubt they may attend the same family events in the future, but all they owe each other is politeness. She doesn't owe them "forgiveness."

mikenberger

(I have nothing to add but all the forevers going around brought the Sandlot back to mind.)

KatieinBkln

Jen4948 said:

MandyMost said:

Of course you don't have to invite them if you don't want to, but this isn't like not inviting a friend. These are relatives. You choice in this matter will forever impact the family dynamic. Apparently your mother and others just want to gloss over everything for some family harmony. You don't. You should realize that YOU are the one causing discord here, not them. That's fine if you're willing to accept it. Your mother clearly doesn't want you to be the person who causes family problems and the reason the family can't get together at other times, You clearly don't care.

Yes, it's your wedding, but you need to decide if the invite list to your wedding is important enough to you to forever affect the family dynamic in this way. Maybe you never want to be a part of this family, and it's fine with you. In that case, you also should think of your mother, who clearly does want to be a part of the family. Is it worth it, just for not inviting them?

Forever seems pretty dramatic.

I would have thought that stealing from and neglecting the family matriarch would affect the family dynamic forever, but apparently this family is happy to forget about that. A wedding invite snub should be even easier to move past.

I have to agree. It's not up to anyone but the OP to decide what the dynamic between her and this aunt and uncle should be, and she's not interested in having a relationship with them. No doubt they may attend the same family events in the future, but all they owe each other is politeness. She doesn't owe them "forgiveness."

I also need to point out that the second bolded above is, if you will all pardon my fucking French, pure bullshit. No. The person who refuses to engage with a person who has behaved badly is not the one "causing discord." The person who behaved badly started the discord when they broke the social contract--people like that count on the rest of us to be too afraid to enforce any consequences for their behavior. 

Family harmony is great, and it's often worth overlooking someone's mistakes for the sake of a relationship. But that is a lovely and generous thing to do. It's above and beyond. Opting not to do that? Is not causing discord. It's simply allowing the discord out into the open. No one is required to keep a lid on shitty stuff just because it might make someone else uncomfortable. Even if that someone is your mom/great-aunt/cousin/sister/whoever.

sophhabobopha

Don't invite them. Also, you're not allowed to tell grandma what happened to her? Your family has kept that from her? The fuck. 

allispain

sophhabobopha said:

Don't invite them. Also, you're not allowed to tell grandma what happened to her? Your family has kept that from her? The fuck. 

This was my reaction as well.

sophhabobopha

allispain said:

sophhabobopha said:

Don't invite them. Also, you're not allowed to tell grandma what happened to her? Your family has kept that from her? The fuck. 

This was my reaction as well.

I would be fucking pissed if I were granny.

Jen4948

sophhabobopha said:

allispain said:

sophhabobopha said:

Don't invite them. Also, you're not allowed to tell grandma what happened to her? Your family has kept that from her? The fuck. 

This was my reaction as well.

I would be fucking pissed if I were granny.

Me too. If it happened to me and everyone kept it from me just so the people who victimized me could walk blithely away scot-free, to fuck with them.

I think there is a special place in hell reserved for those who prey on the elderly, especially when their victims are their own elders.

huskypuppy14

MandyMost said:

Of course you don't have to invite them if you don't want to, but this isn't like not inviting a friend. These are relatives. You choice in this matter will forever impact the family dynamic. Apparently your mother and others just want to gloss over everything for some family harmony. You don't. You should realize that YOU are the one causing discord here, not them. That's fine if you're willing to accept it. Your mother clearly doesn't want you to be the person who causes family problems and the reason the family can't get together at other times, You clearly don't care.

Yes, it's your wedding, but you need to decide if the invite list to your wedding is important enough to you to forever affect the family dynamic in this way. Maybe you never want to be a part of this family, and it's fine with you. In that case, you also should think of your mother, who clearly does want to be a part of the family. Is it worth it, just for not inviting them?

FFS! Drama much. Not inviting two assholes, who she happens to be related to, does not mean she doesn't want to be apart of the family. 

Why are you guilting the OP? You don't know her family dynamics.  If she doesn't want to invite her aunts and uncles, that is her choice. People don't get special privileges because they happen to be related to you. 

hellosweetie1015

OP, you aren't causing discord. What caused discord is your aunt and uncle being douchecanoes, and then all your other family making everyone sweep it under the rug. So now it's this great big lump of ugly hidden by the shag carpet of "family harmony". Everyone else is just ignoring it and pretending that it's totally fine to have this huge hump in the middle of the living room, but you're acknowledging that the shit they did was 100% NOT okay. 

Not discord. Honesty. 

[Deleted User]

Hell, I'm not inviting a couple of aunts and an uncle simply because I don't like them.  They didn't do anything brutal or illegal, I just don't like them.  And I believe there's a big difference between Relatives and Family.  I'll invite my Family, but douchecanoe relatives can find something else to do that day.

WhatawagSBNy

Why do people think they have the right to an explanation about why you are not inviting someone?

Your wedding day, yours to decide not to have anyone you dislike or feel uncomfortable with, or have bad history with in recent memory. Or barely know. If asked, say, we don't have a good relationship, and I do not want to talk about why. PERIOD. If they persist, say that any explanation would be possibly hurtful gossip, and since you are not involved I am not going to discuss it.
Shut them down, don't acknowledge or respond to any other questions. Give them a look you would give someone spitting in your soup and stay silent if they keep asking.

lightningsnow

OP, I am sorry you are dealing with this. In the future when I get married, there are several members of my family that will not be getting invites. Unfortunately that is the price you pay when you take a molester's side over that of his victim and call her a lying attention whore. Family drama is not something that should ever be taken lightly and you have an extremely good reason for not wanting these people there. I applaud you for that.

lembaslover

Thank you all, I appreciate it. I have to say I'm so relived just to have people who agree with me. When I initially posted this I was feeling so guilty and like I was the one who was hurting the family. But you're all right while I'm not going to play into their game of just forgetting everything I didn't cause any of it. This wouldn't be an issue if my aunt and uncle had just been decent human beings in the first place. I feel so much better about my decision now!

Knottie1429558317

I know it's dificult to say no to some family members BUT, It's your day and don't forget that! I wish you all the best!!

fyrchk

Just because you are related to these people doesn't mean anything. You can't help who you're related to. If you don't want them there, you don't want them there. You don't have to put up with toxic people because you're blood. That's bullshit.

STARMOON44

Next time she starts in on this hang up the phone. Simple.