Am I taking this TY note too harshly?

[Deleted User]

We were unable to attend the wedding of two friends way back in June.  They attended our wedding in 2012.  We just received our thank you note (for half the gift we sent) and it ended:

We wish you could have joined us on the big day, as we were happy to be a part of yours.

     All the best,

Hubs and I feel a bit slighted by this as we were financially unable to attend, as our travel budget was reallocated to our trip to see my family so we could attend a memorial service for my dear great aunt. We let them know in advance we wouldn't be able to come, sent gifts ahead of the ceremony, and wished them well on FB/engaged on social media with the photos, etc.  Since that time, they've all but cut off communication.  

I'm probably being over sensitive, as I know friends can drift apart over time, but it's just a nice little jab that I wasn't expecting.

WhatawagSBNy

That does come off as a snide jab.

Totally different from if they had said, Since we had such a wonderful time at your wedding, we thought of you and missed you. But we understand, and feel sorry for your loss.

Some people have no clue that the spirit of etiquette is to make every social interaction a pleasant one. Nastiness in a thank you note.

After going to many weddings and being part of many, I am still continually astounded.

We went to a wedding last year, the first of a bunch after a few years of none. When I got a call from friend bride's mother a week later, during honeymoon, and she said she was trying to track down some gifts, I immediately thought, they have a gift separated from a card. They do not want to not thank someone. Very embarrassing, and MOB is trying to tactfully do the right thing.

So I said, I gave friend her quilt after the shower last month, since a larger gift than the shower gifts, so any unlabeled gift you have is not from us.
NO. She was asking for a gift, sort of. She said, I know you gave her the quilt, I have seen it. But that is bedding, a shower type gift. Where is the wedding gift from you and your husband?

I would have been floored if it had not happened once by a MOG several years back.
Friends know that I have often made wedding gift quilts, bed size or nap on couch size or hangings, and this friend cut to the chase a year ago and said, if you are thinking of making me one, I really would love one from a pattern you made for a fundraiser. She and I found the pattern from pictures I have, she picked out the main colors on fabric , and I made a double bed quilt, hand not machine quilted, hundreds of hours (which I enjoyed .)

And I gritted my teeth and said, I threw a shower for more than 30, with a sit down dinner included, and 3 of brides bridesmaids and bride were welcomed to stay overnight in our home so they could go to fittings the next day. That was my shower gift. I made a quilt, and hubby made the cherry storage chest we packed it in to measure to use as a window seat in their bedroom. There will be no further gifts.

I never met this woman except at the wedding and I hope I never do. Her daughter would never do anything so crass.

I cannot see any nice interpretation of the jab in that thank you note.

mlg78

I'd feel a sting about that line too. Ouch! 

Jen4948

Yeah, that was a jab. I'm sorry they were so egotistical they couldn't have simply thanked you graciously-like they were supposed to. I wouldn't blame you if you dropped the friendship.

Jen4948

WhatawagSBNy said:

That does come off as a snide jab.

Totally different from if they had said, Since we had such a wonderful time at your wedding, we thought of you and missed you. But we understand, and feel sorry for your loss.

Some people have no clue that the spirit of etiquette is to make every social interaction a pleasant one. Nastiness in a thank you note.

After going to many weddings and being part of many, I am still continually astounded.

We went to a wedding last year, the first of a bunch after a few years of none. When I got a call from friend bride's mother a week later, during honeymoon, and she said she was trying to track down some gifts, I immediately thought, they have a gift separated from a card. They do not want to not thank someone. Very embarrassing, and MOB is trying to tactfully do the right thing.

So I said, I gave friend her quilt after the shower last month, since a larger gift than the shower gifts, so any unlabeled gift you have is not from us.
NO. She was asking for a gift, sort of. She said, I know you gave her the quilt, I have seen it. But that is bedding, a shower type gift. Where is the wedding gift from you and your husband?

I would have been floored if it had not happened once by a MOG several years back.
Friends know that I have often made wedding gift quilts, bed size or nap on couch size or hangings, and this friend cut to the chase a year ago and said, if you are thinking of making me one, I really would love one from a pattern you made for a fundraiser. She and I found the pattern from pictures I have, she picked out the main colors on fabric , and I made a double bed quilt, hand not machine quilted, hundreds of hours (which I enjoyed .)

And I gritted my teeth and said, I threw a shower for more than 30, with a sit down dinner included, and 3 of brides bridesmaids and bride were welcomed to stay overnight in our home so they could go to fittings the next day. That was my shower gift. I made a quilt, and hubby made the cherry storage chest we packed it in to measure to use as a window seat in their bedroom. There will be no further gifts.

I never met this woman except at the wedding and I hope I never do. Her daughter would never do anything so crass.

I cannot see any nice interpretation of the jab in that thank you note.

How did the MOB who had the gall to demand a gift from you respond to that?

allispain

I would be hurt too - that's a pretty snarky way to "thank" someone.

mikenberger

Looks like you're better off without them. How rude. Someone should inform them that the sun doesn't revolve around them.

[Deleted User]

Thanks Everyone! It's been a sting to lose this friendship (although in hindsight, can you really lose something you might not have had in the first place?) and so I didn't want to feel over sensitive.

It was further cemented when reading the sweet note that my parents received despite not attending.

I cannot believe the audacity of asking for a gift either. A quilt is so much more personal and meaningful. I treasure the wedding sampler one of my bridesmaids handmaid for us!

RebeccaFlower

It absolutely sounds like a snub. Our of curiosity, was it a DW? 

WhatawagSBNy

Jen4948 said:

WhatawagSBNy said:

That does come off as a snide jab.

Totally different from if they had said, Since we had such a wonderful time at your wedding, we thought of you and missed you. But we understand, and feel sorry for your loss.

Some people have no clue that the spirit of etiquette is to make every social interaction a pleasant one. Nastiness in a thank you note.

After going to many weddings and being part of many, I am still continually astounded.

We went to a wedding last year, the first of a bunch after a few years of none. When I got a call from friend bride's mother a week later, during honeymoon, and she said she was trying to track down some gifts, I immediately thought, they have a gift separated from a card. They do not want to not thank someone. Very embarrassing, and MOB is trying to tactfully do the right thing.

So I said, I gave friend her quilt after the shower last month, since a larger gift than the shower gifts, so any unlabeled gift you have is not from us.
NO. She was asking for a gift, sort of. She said, I know you gave her the quilt, I have seen it. But that is bedding, a shower type gift. Where is the wedding gift from you and your husband?

I would have been floored if it had not happened once by a MOG several years back.
Friends know that I have often made wedding gift quilts, bed size or nap on couch size or hangings, and this friend cut to the chase a year ago and said, if you are thinking of making me one, I really would love one from a pattern you made for a fundraiser. She and I found the pattern from pictures I have, she picked out the main colors on fabric , and I made a double bed quilt, hand not machine quilted, hundreds of hours (which I enjoyed .)

And I gritted my teeth and said, I threw a shower for more than 30, with a sit down dinner included, and 3 of brides bridesmaids and bride were welcomed to stay overnight in our home so they could go to fittings the next day. That was my shower gift. I made a quilt, and hubby made the cherry storage chest we packed it in to measure to use as a window seat in their bedroom. There will be no further gifts.

I never met this woman except at the wedding and I hope I never do. Her daughter would never do anything so crass.

I cannot see any nice interpretation of the jab in that thank you note.

How did the MOB who had the gall to demand a gift from you respond to that?

-----
She said, I'll talk to my daughter about that when she gets home, and we'll see. And she hung up.

Some people don't get it. Just because you are invited somewhere, it is not a friendship breaker if you don't attend, whatever the reason. " We invited you to our wedding " or gave a certain price gift does not obligate you to do the same years later. And no one owes anyone a gift.

novella1186

Wow. To me, that sounds like a snarky jab. They sound super immature and petty, and were offended that you didn't make it to their Big Special Day, for very just reasons, but in their mind I'm sure they thought "how dare you! You owe it to us!" These people sound gross. (Maybe I'm reading a little extra into it, but that's how I interpreted it). 

Don't worry about it, though. Assholes like that don't deserve a minute of your thought. 

WhatawagSBNy

There is a different THREAD where a MOG wants a list of friends to be sent invitations to a shower not for them to attend, with the assurance they will certainly want to send gifts anyway.

Yeah, right. If that MOG calls and says, I know you don't want to go to the shower with a bunch of young girls, but I am driving over with a whole bunch of gifts and can take yours too, all the people who want to stay friends with MOG will fork over a gift. That is not in the other thread, it is what I imagine such a mother would do. It is called SOCIAL EXTORTION.

Lots of people with a sense of entitlement out there. And a huge ego.

[Deleted User]

Hope my quoting worked. I'm on my phone.

For us, it was a DW as they are in Colorado and we are in Florida.

We got married where we live, but the Mouse is in our backyard so we were a DW destination for people. These friends did take the opportunity to make it a vacation/cruise when they came.

southernbelle0915

The snark in me would want to say, "Thank you for your thank you note. We wish you could have thanked us for the whole gift and in a timely fashion, because we really enjoyed thanking you for yours."

Honestly, you have to let it go, though. But I silently judge the hell out of anyone who uses a thank you note as a way to call someone out, be sarcastic, or try to prove a point. Makes me lose basic respect for people like that.

levioosa

It sounds pretty snarky to me. 

MairePoppy

Yes, they are being snarky. Since you value the friendship, ignore the rude remark. Hopefully, they'll get over themselves and put things in perspective before too long.

zitiqueen

This is somebody for whom the label "snatch" is appropriate.

mrsdee15

Ouch, yeah that sounds like a jab. That's also super childish and passive aggressive.  For me, that's a "let's really think about this friendship" move, but I don't deal with passive aggressive fuckery well.

@WhatawagSBNy - That is so gross.  How do adults act like that?

teddygirl9

Just coming from another perspective, maybe it wasn't meant to be rude, and they just worded it incorrectly? One of the pp mentioned a different way of saying it, and maybe that's what they meant. I dunno, just trying to give benefit of the doubt.

 

Personally, I'd probably not fret too much over it. If they don't contact you again, and do feel slighted because you didn't attend their wedding, well their loss, and you should be glad you saved your money because they don't seem like real friends.

[Deleted User]

Thanks again everyone! It's been my final realization that this friendship has long been dying and it's time to let go and move on. It's a shame but we have moved on to different paths. I appreciate the support. You all rock!

blabla89

I feel the need to add:

SP29

@whatawagSBNy you MADE them a quilt AND a chest! That is an insanely generous gift!! Geez, how rude. 

OP- I'd try to forget about it and leave the ball in their court. Perhaps they didn't mean it to come across that way, and you'll hear from them soon. If they did, and they never talk to you again, their loss. 

lovesclimbing

That's totally passive aggressive. 

lc07

If I cared about the friendship, I'd confront the friend about it and explain to them how it made me feel and ask them to explain in case I was misunderstanding. If I didn't care much about the friendship, I would side eye the shit out of it, throw it in the trash, and move on with my life.

Either way, I agree with you and PPs that this was super passive aggressive and rude of the couple.

short+sassy

teddygirl9 said:

Just coming from another perspective, maybe it wasn't meant to be rude, and they just worded it incorrectly? One of the pp mentioned a different way of saying it, and maybe that's what they meant. I dunno, just trying to give benefit of the doubt.

 

Personally, I'd probably not fret too much over it. If they don't contact you again, and do feel slighted because you didn't attend their wedding, well their loss, and you should be glad you saved your money because they don't seem like real friends.

This was actually my take also.  I know I've written/said dumb things that, after the fact and on reflection, realized it could have been taken differently than what I meant.  Or I just worded something kind of weird.

Don't get me wrong, they may very well have meant it as a jab, but I wouldn't automatically have jumped to that conclusion.