Guest list query..

bizzy592

Hi all, happy Friday!

FI and I are starting to work on our guest list (16 months out, size will impact our final choice on venue). His first draft is reasonable, but mine never ends. We've included a similar number of friends, but my family is massive (effectively would double the size of our wedding). Many aunts, uncles, cousins - but also extensive extended family. Although he hasn't asked me to narrow my list, including everyone would 'size' us out of every venue we like, and would strain our budget. Besides which, neither of us wants a huge wedding.

The issue that I'm struggling with, is whether to invite relatives with whom I have better relationships, or those who are closer blood relatives. There are several aunts, uncles, and 1st cousins who I'd really prefer to leave off the guest list. They are all on my mother's side, where certain emotional and psychological issues run rampant. Although I did see more of them as a child, I haven't seen or spoken to them regularly in many years - several years between brief interactions. When I do see them, drama is not far behind (read: shouting matches with one another, and emotional manipulation aplenty).

I am, however, good friends with a number of more distant cousins. I'd love to include a number of them - not only are they family, but an active presence in my life.

The difficulty I foresee with NOT inviting the first group, is that they will absolutely feel slighted, and won't hesitate to share that to my face, and behind my back, for years to come. The second group would be polite about it. They'd be gracious, and happy for us, whether they were included in the day or not. Which makes me want them there even more.

So: do we accept more drama on our wedding day, in exchange for greater familial peace in the future? Or a day surrounded by people we truly love, and accept future guilt-trips?

Advice greatly appreciated!

(Edited to correct late afternoon spelling)

southernbelle0915

You only need to invite the people you're close with. I also have an enormous extended family. I handled it by not inviting children to our wedding and not inviting the people I'm not close to. For example, I have some second cousins I like and want to stay in touch with and some who are assholes and have been assholes to my parents. I invited the ones I like and didn't invite the ones I don't like. I'm positive they talk junk about me. Positive. I don't care because I know I'll barely see them in my adult life and we're not close.

I would divide your list into people you're absolutely sure about and people you're on the fence about. See what those numbers look like. Don't send anyone a STD that you're not sure about. Because once they get a STD, a shower invite, an engagement party invite, they are on your wedding guest list. 

lyndausvi

I have a massive extended family too.     I did invite all but one of my aunts and  22  out of 24 1st cousins (and their spouses).   It was just easier and for the sake for future dealings with them.   None of the cousins were invited with their kids.  That cut down on numbers.

   The aunt and 2 cousins I didn't include are immediate family and have no contact with the other aunts/cousins.  So it wasn't a  big deal.  

When I go to extended family it was entirely based on who I was close to.  My mom has some 50 first cousins. I invited 3 (plus spouses) because I'm close to them.   I invited some other 2nd cousins (not all from the same immediate family) because I'm close to them.  

 I'm fairly certain the ones who were not invited didn't care.  I wasn't invited to their weddings either.  We all know our family is so large and cuts need to be made it's just not a big deal.

You can invite anyone you want. But that doesn't mean there will not be consequences.  If  you omit people then there could be hurt feelings.  If you invite everyone you will have a bigger guest list. 

Whatever your choice just own your decisions.  Don't let people make you feel guilty of you choose to omit people.   On the other side if you do invite them, don't regret your choice and complain about the now added expenses.

blabla89

FI and I both have big families. We drew the line at "people we see at least once every two years" and that eliminated a lot of the extended family we wouldn't miss having there, while still including everyone we're close with. The relatives we see less than once every three years...well, if they're butthurt about not being invited, we probably won't hear about it since we rarely talk with them anyway. So that's that.

[Deleted User]

The joys about being an adult is that you don't have to go places just because your parents are going.  Therefore, you don't have to go to the family reunion for the side of the family you hate.  Why would you want to 'reunite' with douchecanoes?  Invite who you'd like to have there.  If you have to hear about it at the next funeral, so what?

WhatawagSBNy

Invite the people you really want there, drop those who regularly give you heartburn. It is not your family's right to bitch about your choices.

If they ask why distant cousins not near ones, say what you did above, that you wanted the people who have a positive presence in your life. Family who are also good friends are the best, to me

esstee33

If your relationship with these family members is such that you're ALREADY subject to mega drama every time you see them, I don't see why you're even worried. Not inviting them will cause more drama, yes, but you already see them very rarely, and they're also already dramatic every time anyway. You'd just be maintaining the status quo. 

SP29

I agree with esstee33 very much! 

There are no rules about who you have to invite (as long as you are not breaking up social units).

Sometimes it is hard with family, and you do cave a bit to other family member's wishes, but honestly, invite who you want there. 

IMO, you want to invite people who are going to support your marriage and be a positive source in your life. If you don't want these family members there and they only bring drama anyway, don't invite them. Yes, people may have hurt feelings and may try to guilt you- but own your decisions and don't give them that power. A wedding isn't a family reunion (despite what many think- and if someone says, "but it would be great to have all the family together again!" then suggest they host the reunion ). 

DH and I tried to make a "rule" that if we haven't seen or spoke to someone (like at all) in a year, then we wouldn't invite them (as we obviously weren't that close). I invited my aunt's cousin and her husband, whom I worked with for just over a year- she has been kinder and more supportive than some other people in both mine and DH's family that we did end up inviting.

My grandma guilted me into inviting one of my uncles and his wife whom I haven't seen (or communicated with. period.) since I was 8. My parents said don't invite him, but I caved for grandma, because she felt she'd get the brunt of it. Fortunately they declined anyway, and even if they did, it was only 2 people (not many like it sounds like you would have!). DH's grandmother also guilted us into inviting a bunch of family members from her side of the family- most of them declined anyway, and again, if they had come, it was only an extra ~8 people. Similarly, DH and I have personally never had issues with any of these family members, and I'm sure it would have been drama free, but they were not people we are close with (DH hadn't seen most of these family members in 10 years) and we felt we were inviting them BECAUSE "they're family!". 

Pick your battles, but I dislike inviting anyone to a wedding BECAUSE.... as in, because they are a family member, or because they are a coworker. Invite people because you like them and want them there. 

[Deleted User]

SP29 said:

I agree with esstee33 very much! 

There are no rules about who you have to invite (as long as you are not breaking up social units).

Sometimes it is hard with family, and you do cave a bit to other family member's wishes, but honestly, invite who you want there. 

IMO, you want to invite people who are going to support your marriage and be a positive source in your life. If you don't want these family members there and they only bring drama anyway, don't invite them. Yes, people may have hurt feelings and may try to guilt you- but own your decisions and don't give them that power. A wedding isn't a family reunion (despite what many think- and if someone says, "but it would be great to have all the family together again!" then suggest they host the reunion ). 

DH and I tried to make a "rule" that if we haven't seen or spoke to someone (like at all) in a year, then we wouldn't invite them (as we obviously weren't that close). I invited my aunt's cousin and her husband, whom I worked with for just over a year- she has been kinder and more supportive than some other people in both mine and DH's family that we did end up inviting.

My grandma guilted me into inviting one of my uncles and his wife whom I haven't seen (or communicated with. period.) since I was 8. My parents said don't invite him, but I caved for grandma, because she felt she'd get the brunt of it. Fortunately they declined anyway, and even if they did, it was only 2 people (not many like it sounds like you would have!). DH's grandmother also guilted us into inviting a bunch of family members from her side of the family- most of them declined anyway, and again, if they had come, it was only an extra ~8 people. Similarly, DH and I have personally never had issues with any of these family members, and I'm sure it would have been drama free, but they were not people we are close with (DH hadn't seen most of these family members in 10 years) and we felt we were inviting them BECAUSE "they're family!". 

Pick your battles, but I dislike inviting anyone to a wedding BECAUSE.... as in, because they are a family member, or because they are a coworker. Invite people because you like them and want them there. 

Mom got drunk on Saturday while over at our house and we started planning my hypothetical wedding.  She said we should have it at the Planetarium in Chicago, or a little hypothetical park in our suburb.  Then she started in on the guest list.  Are you going to invite your Aunt L?  Nope.  But what if your grandmother is staying with her?  Then I'll invite Gramma & Guest, and if she brings Aunt L, whatever, I'll live.  What about Aunt K and her kids?  Nope, well maybe.  And I want to invite some people too.  No, why are you inviting people?  Because I'm going to give you $3000 for your wedding because your sister got that much for hers.  No, you can host the morning-after-brunch or the rehearsal dinner, but you're retired, how can you know you're going to have $3000 to give me when my wedding finally rolls around?

An hour after dad took drunk mom home, FH sent me a link to an article about how people shouldn't start their marriages by spending so much money on the wedding and maybe and elopement is the answer.  I'm starting to agree.

bizzy592

Thank you all! Especially love 'douchecanoes'.

And I'm more than a little tempted to elope.

cakemurderer

I'm not sure what the official "rules" are in this matter, but I have a close friend with a large family who wound up inviting most of her family and very few of her friends. While it made me sad that I couldn't be there to celebrate her big day, I understood. If it saved her headaches and family drama then I get it. 

whovianstark

SP29 said:

I agree with esstee33 very much! 

There are no rules about who you have to invite (as long as you are not breaking up social units).

Sometimes it is hard with family, and you do cave a bit to other family member's wishes, but honestly, invite who you want there. 

IMO, you want to invite people who are going to support your marriage and be a positive source in your life. If you don't want these family members there and they only bring drama anyway, don't invite them. Yes, people may have hurt feelings and may try to guilt you- but own your decisions and don't give them that power. A wedding isn't a family reunion (despite what many think- and if someone says, "but it would be great to have all the family together again!" then suggest they host the reunion ). 

DH and I tried to make a "rule" that if we haven't seen or spoke to someone (like at all) in a year, then we wouldn't invite them (as we obviously weren't that close). I invited my aunt's cousin and her husband, whom I worked with for just over a year- she has been kinder and more supportive than some other people in both mine and DH's family that we did end up inviting.

My grandma guilted me into inviting one of my uncles and his wife whom I haven't seen (or communicated with. period.) since I was 8. My parents said don't invite him, but I caved for grandma, because she felt she'd get the brunt of it. Fortunately they declined anyway, and even if they did, it was only 2 people (not many like it sounds like you would have!). DH's grandmother also guilted us into inviting a bunch of family members from her side of the family- most of them declined anyway, and again, if they had come, it was only an extra ~8 people. Similarly, DH and I have personally never had issues with any of these family members, and I'm sure it would have been drama free, but they were not people we are close with (DH hadn't seen most of these family members in 10 years) and we felt we were inviting them BECAUSE "they're family!". 

Pick your battles, but I dislike inviting anyone to a wedding BECAUSE.... as in, because they are a family member, or because they are a coworker. Invite people because you like them and want them there. 

I love the bolded part! My Mom would try to tell me "oh you have to invite so and so otherwise they will get offended". But I was like how will I ever know, I never even talk to them.

delujm0

These are good poins - OP you should not have to invite people you are not close to - however i don't see that the important question has been asked: who is paying for the wedding?

 

If your parents are contributing, and they insist that the entire extended family be invited, you're going to have an uphill battle leaving people off the guest list.  However, if you're paying for the wedding yourselves, the guest list is no one's concern except for you and your FI.

[Deleted User]

Go through your list & start prioritizing who you would like to come. Basically make your a, b and c list. Then sit down with your parents and tell them that you would like to cut down the guest list so that you have an easier time booking a venue and easier on the budget. Ask them to a, b and c their list and then compare your lists. And please note that when I say make an a,b & c list I don't mean send out more invites when your a list people decline. This is just to help prioritize who you really want at your wedding compared to the people who made the list, but you really don't care if they come. Because really, how many of us have had to invite mom & dad's friend that they haven't talked to in five years because when their son got married 8 years ago your parents were invited to that wedding. That's a couple that can easily be cut.