Nontraditional Relationship Status: Not yet engaged ...but there's a ring... Sort of

emmerly

So my boyfriend and I are not very traditional and I was wondering if anyone else was in a similar position as me/wanted to share some advice.

He and I have been together a year. We have gone ring shopping together several times, and the last time we went, he bought a ring with me there - but we're "not engaged yet." Our families know. Our friends know. I don't have the ring, but most people have seen the ring because he likes to pull it out and show it off. His sister and several of our friends are mad at us for not "following the rules" or being engaged. It's hard to explain that we are still not engaged to people because he bought the ring about 2 months ago. 

So I guess my question is: Any advice on how to navigate/explain this atypical arrangement to people?

phira

Hi!

My husband and I aren't traditional either. We didn't tell a lot of people that we were planning to get engaged, but a few of my friends knew, and the ladies here did. We bought rings a few months in advance, and then declared ourselves engaged when we'd been living together for a year (no proposal).

Honestly, you guys should just do you. I'd prepare some easy to remember, short, conversation-ending replies for the comments you commonly get. Do you want to share some of them with us, and we'll brainstorm?

Example:

Them: "You're not doing this right. You're not supposed to know about the ring."
You: "Well, this works for us. Anyway, have you seen Taken 3?"

Them: "So why not be engaged now?"

You: "Because I'm not ready to plan the wedding yet. Have you tried this delicious bean dip?"

Etc.

bethsmiles

Honestly, that doesn't sound that non-traditional to me. A lot of the ladies here had a lot of say in their ring or were with their BFs when he bought the ring and then waited for him to propose. Some of their SOs had the ring for months or even over a year before proposing. It's pretty common for things to play out the way you've described. 

What your friends/his sister are thinking of is the Hollywood version of events which, like most of what Hollywood does, isn't realistic.

When people asked, just say he hasn't proposed yet so you don't consider yourselves engaged and then change the subject. It's not really any of their business. If they push, I would tell them it's none of their business and you'd prefer not to discuss it with them if they can't respect the way you and your BF choose to go about your upcoming engagement.

After 6 years together, I've gotten really impatient with the annoying when are you getting engaged questions, so I have little patience for people butting in with their unwanted opinions on my relationship.

ETA: I just saw your ring  on the other thread - OMG! It's so gorgeous! No wonder your BF loves to show it off, it's a great pick!

emmerly

I've been basically been telling people he hasn't proposed so were not officially engaged.

@phira The most common thing is one of my fellow grad student/co-workers tells others that he & I are engaged or calls him my fiancee. When I correct her (usually by saying "not yet"), she likes to say: "I don't get it. You have seen the ring and you know its coming - you're basically engaged."

His sister constantly likes to shame us about it and say that I won't be surprised when he proposes and that will make it less special. I try to tell her I don't know when it's coming but she says that its already been ruined because I've seen the ring so there's no real surprise.

@bethsmiles I'm glad to hear that. I'm the first of my close friends to have reached this stage and most people I know aren't married or engaged so all I hear is how weird our perspective is on the whole engagement thing is. It's reassuring. - Thanks  

And thanks I love it so much. I wasn't expecting to get a ring that day but we fell in love with it and the store was having a great sale. He totally surprised me by buying it that day. I can't wait for it to be back on my finger ♥

speakeasy14

I cosign everything @phira‌ & @bethsmiles‌ have said. Just do what works for you.

I also cannot stand the rude questions from people asking when my boyfriend and I will get engaged, and will usually respond with some sarcastic or blunt comment. If you're not as bold, just change the subject, it is none if their business.

phira

Ugh, that is such a pain in the ass.

For coworkers/fellow grad students, I'd say, "He's my boyfriend, not fiancé," and if they launch into an explanation, I'd cut them off and say, "We've been over this dozens of times, and the conversation is over," and then ignore them.

And for his sister? "The only thing that's ruining anything is you."

lilacck28

Agree with all of the above. I went ring shopping with my fiance (fyi, "fiance" = male, "fiancee" = female), and he bought the ring in front of me. We lived together, and most friends/ family knew it was coming and knew about the shopping and when we picked a ring. My friends occasionally called us "unofficially engaged" a few times, but it didn't bug me because they didn't say it with any malicious intent. Try to breeze by it when it happens, like PP have said. 

One piece of advice though, is to not talk about it too much with friends and family. That's SUPER hard to do. I was SO excited the whole way through dating, getting engaged, being engaged and planning the wedding... that all I wanted to talk about was FI and rings and weddings. 

But 1. no one will care as much as I did about those things and I knew it would get old really quickly

 2. if they don't hear too much or too often about the ring/ upcoming engagement, they'll probably be a bit more excited once it happens and you call up and say "WE'RE ENGAGED!" as opposed to feeling like "uh, yeah, we know. We've heard all about it for weeks"

obviously they already know and maybe have seen the ring (again, I initially told my friends and family too!), but if you can now avoid bringing it up yourself, or continuing the conversation when they do, I'd definitely recommend it. 

lilacck28

ps- gorgeous ring! And enjoy this fun time! anticipation is a killer... but it's also a really happy, special time that you'll never get to experience again! 

Riss2893

I agree with everything that everyone has said here. My fiance and I discussed it for some time after we moved in together, and then we looked at rings together. I wasn't with him when he bought it and he didn't explicitly tell me, but I had a pretty good idea. 

Deciding to get engaged is a huge life decision and one that you should make together, so, at least for me, if it would have come completely out of left field (as in we never discussed it), I probably would have been  taken aback and a little upset. I hope this all makes sense.

And like everyone else said, it's about doing what works for you. As long as you're comfortable and happy, don't worry about anyone else. And I love your ring!

CLoGreenEyes

Everyone's ideas above are awesome. I also think it might help if your BF could restrain himself from showing off the ring for a bit. It sounds like that could be stirring up some BSC amongst your friends and family. It's really cute that he's so excited and proud of the ring, but it could also be putting the issue RIGHT there for people to pick at, KWIM?

Swazzle

I don't really understand why he's showing off the ring to everyone but is waiting to propose to you? I personally would have been disappointed if my (now) H had shown the ring to my friends and family before he gave it to me and proposed.

peekaboo2011

I agree with @Swazzle.  I would be really upset if BF were showing friends and family a ring but not proposing.  He can show off his great purchase once it's on your finger.

MarriedFeb2015

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loves2shop4shoes

Hi @emmerly!  I actually was in the EXACT same situation as you.

DH bought my engagement ring in front of me while we were on vacation in Mexico.  So, obviously, I knew he had the ring, and what it generally looked like (although I didn't see it set until he proposed because he bought the diamond and the setting separately.)  DH also told his mother, sister, and aunt about buying the ring, and showed it to them.  I think I mentioned to my mom that we were ring shopping, but am not sure if I disclosed that he bought the ring.  (Forgive me, it was almost 5 years ago now.)  I know for a fact that our best friends knew about the ring and saw it.

We both knew that we weren't engaged yet. Our family and friends knew that too.  Just because you've taken a step towards engagement (ie. buying the ring) doesn't mean you're engaged.

DH proposed two months after buying the ring, and aside from one asshole cousin who gave me shit for being "such a control freak that I had to be there when he bought the ring," no one gave me a hard time about the way things went down.

My advice is to explain to people that while you've taken steps towards engagement, you're not engaged.  The same way that you can take steps towards married (ie.buying your wedding band) and not be married yet.

Good luck!

Dignity100

I picked my ring out - diamond, setting, metal, everything about it, I picked out.  My H bought the ring in front of me; on the way home we talked about it and decided as a couple to present ourselves as engaged.  When the ring came in, he simply handed me the ring and said 'there ya go'.

I would have been mad at H if he had the ring and was showing it off to everybody; that's one thing a girl is supposed to look forward to doing!!  It also is a big tease "look what I got and you can't have it yet".

lilacck28

Agreed with the above. FI picked up the ring when it was ready, and I found out by accident (I told him I was coming home early, and he said "uhh... I won't be there".) Once that happened, he proposed that weekend because... he knows I'm an anxious nut. I would have been really annoyed if he waved that thing around to other people before I got to wear it! Keep it in your pants (pocket) dude!

speakeasy14

I completely misread the part where you said he was showing the ring.  Yeah, I would not be ok with him taking out the ring and showing everyone.  If he's that excited to show it off, he needs to propose. 

bethsmiles

speakeasy14 said:

I completely misread the part where you said he was showing the ring.  Yeah, I would not be ok with him taking out the ring and showing everyone.  If he's that excited to show it off, he needs to propose. 

I disagree. This is just personal preference. If OP has no problem with it then there isn't a problem.

speakeasy14

bethsmiles said:

speakeasy14 said:

I completely misread the part where you said he was showing the ring.  Yeah, I would not be ok with him taking out the ring and showing everyone.  If he's that excited to show it off, he needs to propose. 

I disagree. This is just personal preference. If OP has no problem with it then there isn't a problem.

emmerly  -- Are you ok with him showing off the ring, but not giving it to you?  If you are, then just change the subject any time anyone brings up you being engaged/not engaged. 

loves2shop4shoes

Idk. My H showed my ring to multiple people.  I did not care.  I don't see what the big deal is.

bethsmiles

speakeasy14 said:

bethsmiles said:

speakeasy14 said:

I completely misread the part where you said he was showing the ring.  Yeah, I would not be ok with him taking out the ring and showing everyone.  If he's that excited to show it off, he needs to propose. 

I disagree. This is just personal preference. If OP has no problem with it then there isn't a problem.

emmerly  -- Are you ok with him showing off the ring, but not giving it to you?  If you are, then just change the subject any time anyone brings up you being engaged/not engaged. 

I guess to me it just seems like the norm for a guy to show family/close friends the ring before he proposes. I doubt he's whipping it out on the street showing it to every person he meets. I've had friends who have shown me the ring they are going to propose with and I've been able to put it together that if it's not on her hand, they aren't engaged yet.

Swazzle

bethsmiles said:

speakeasy14 said:

bethsmiles said:

speakeasy14 said:

I completely misread the part where you said he was showing the ring.  Yeah, I would not be ok with him taking out the ring and showing everyone.  If he's that excited to show it off, he needs to propose. 

I disagree. This is just personal preference. If OP has no problem with it then there isn't a problem.

emmerly  -- Are you ok with him showing off the ring, but not giving it to you?  If you are, then just change the subject any time anyone brings up you being engaged/not engaged. 

I guess to me it just seems like the norm for a guy to show family/close friends the ring before he proposes. I doubt he's whipping it out on the street showing it to every person he meets. I've had friends who have shown me the ring they are going to propose with and I've been able to put it together that if it's not on her hand, they aren't engaged yet.

OP said: "most people have seen the ring because he likes to pull it out and show it off". So I took that to mean most people in their lives. I'm not saying it'd be a deal breaker or something ridiculous like that but I would be disappointed by this because 1) I wouldn't understand why, if he has the ring and is showing it to everyone, he hasn't proposed to me and 2) *I* would want to be the one showing it off to our friends and family once it's on my finger. 

labro

I agree with @Swazzle. Plus it sounds like he's showing it it off to quite a few people, not just like parents, siblings, and close friends. But even then I'd still be bothered by it, I'd want to be the one to show it off along with news of our engagement. H didn't show anyone the actual ring as far as I know, he showed my parents a picture of the setting but they didn't say a word to me about it.

peekaboo2011

I'm with @LaPeanut1018 and @swazzle.  I feel like I would be okay with BF showing his parents/my parents, and probably also his BFF, but that's about the end of what I would be okay with.  I wouldn't want "most people" seeing it, regardless of who picked it out.

bethsmiles

I see the point you (@swazzle and @lapeanut1018) are making in regards to your personal preference. I don't want BF showing everyone the ring before proposing either. The OP just didn't seem bothered by it so I don't really think it matters. I only responded to speakeasy14 because I read her post as less her saying her preference and more her saying OP's SO is in the wrong because he's showing people the ring, which just isn't necessarily true IMO.

I do think OP should probably discuss it with her SO though. If the comments are really annoying, him not showing off the ring could help in reducing how often it is brought up.

Dignity100

To add onto @Swazzle and @LaBro (new name??) - I took it as he's showing the ring to friends/family in front of the OP (like a casual thing).  To me that's like waving a steak in front of a lion saying 'someday this will be yours, but not today' - it's a huge tease and would drive me BSC!  If he was only showing it to a very select few (his family), that's a little different.

bethsmiles

I think OP needs to come back and clarify if she has an issue with him showing off the ring.

kaitlynmichelle

H didn't show anyone the ring, or even tell anyone he was about to propose. I figured he would have mentioned it to his brothers, but nothing.

I wouldn't have minded if someone else had seen it but I'd be a bit sad if my nearest and dearest had already seen it. I loved showing everyone the ring when I had it on my hand. It would have bugged me a little knowing oh, right, this isn't the first time you've seen this.

To each their own, but I'd be more anxious waiting for a proposal if he had been showing off the ring to our friends and family but not asking me yet.

dvdplayer

My guy aren't very traditional. We met in 2009.  Moved in together.  Broke up March 2010. I moved out. I got sick and moved back  in in June 2010.  We then dated for a month in 2012.  Broke up and started dating again in March 2014. 

He has given me a promise ring.  I have shown everyone my ring and told them that it means we are getting married soon, but truth be told.

IT'S MY RELATIONSHIP AND I DON"T HAVE TO EXPLAIN ANYTHING. 

lilacck28

dvdplayer said:

My guy aren't very traditional. We met in 2009.  Moved in together.  Broke up March 2010. I moved out. I got sick and moved back  in in June 2010.  We then dated for a month in 2012.  Broke up and started dating again in March 2014. 

He has given me a promise ring.  I have shown everyone my ring and told them that it means we are getting married soon, but truth be told.

IT'S MY RELATIONSHIP AND I DON"T HAVE TO EXPLAIN ANYTHING. 

Yay? And no, you're right... you didn't need to explain anything. 

emmerly

Hi all.

Sorry for the slow response. (As previously stated- I'm in grad school. I'm usually swamped with projects and research.)

As for the showing of the ring. He pulls it out in front of me to show guest in our home as well as brought it to work with him to show all of his co workers. He only showed my parents because he wanted to appease my old fashion parents by asking for their permission to propose. 

I enjoy hearing how much others love our choice in the ring but a different part of me is a little sad that the ring will be old new by the time its officially on my finger. Also, he has said he wants to propose if I'm not expecting it in that moment so for him to pull it out all the time mean I think about the upcoming proposal frequently.

I do believe part of the misconception about our relationship status most likely does deal with the fact he shows off the ring frequently.

& to those of you who asked if he had a ring yet - No. He hasn't looked too much at them yet because we expect to have a long engagement (~2 years) due to my being in grad school so we have time to shop for his still.