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Not Engaged Yet
emmerly
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Nontraditional Relationship Status: Not yet engaged ...but there's a ring... Sort of
So my boyfriend and I are not very traditional and I was wondering if anyone else was in a similar position as me/wanted to share some advice.
He and I have been together a year. We have gone ring shopping together several times, and the last time we went, he bought a ring with me there - but we're "not engaged yet." Our families know. Our friends know. I don't have the ring, but most people have seen the ring because he likes to pull it out and show it off. His sister and several of our friends are mad at us for not "following the rules" or being engaged. It's hard to explain that we are still not engaged to people because he bought the ring about 2 months ago.
He and I have been together a year. We have gone ring shopping together several times, and the last time we went, he bought a ring with me there - but we're "not engaged yet." Our families know. Our friends know. I don't have the ring, but most people have seen the ring because he likes to pull it out and show it off. His sister and several of our friends are mad at us for not "following the rules" or being engaged. It's hard to explain that we are still not engaged to people because he bought the ring about 2 months ago.
So I guess my question is: Any advice on how to navigate/explain this atypical arrangement to people?
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Re: Nontraditional Relationship Status: Not yet engaged ...but there's a ring... Sort of
You: "Well, this works for us. Anyway, have you seen Taken 3?"
Etc.
@phira The most common thing is one of my fellow grad student/co-workers tells others that he & I are engaged or calls him my fiancee. When I correct her (usually by saying "not yet"), she likes to say: "I don't get it. You have seen the ring and you know its coming - you're basically engaged."
@bethsmiles I'm glad to hear that. I'm the first of my close friends to have reached this stage and most people I know aren't married or engaged so all I hear is how weird our perspective is on the whole engagement thing is. It's reassuring. - Thanks
I also cannot stand the rude questions from people asking when my boyfriend and I will get engaged, and will usually respond with some sarcastic or blunt comment. If you're not as bold, just change the subject, it is none if their business.
Deciding to get engaged is a huge life decision and one that you should make together, so, at least for me, if it would have come completely out of left field (as in we never discussed it), I probably would have been taken aback and a little upset. I hope this all makes sense.
DH bought my engagement ring in front of me while we were on vacation in Mexico. So, obviously, I knew he had the ring, and what it generally looked like (although I didn't see it set until he proposed because he bought the diamond and the setting separately.) DH also told his mother, sister, and aunt about buying the ring, and showed it to them. I think I mentioned to my mom that we were ring shopping, but am not sure if I disclosed that he bought the ring. (Forgive me, it was almost 5 years ago now.) I know for a fact that our best friends knew about the ring and saw it.
We both knew that we weren't engaged yet. Our family and friends knew that too. Just because you've taken a step towards engagement (ie. buying the ring) doesn't mean you're engaged.
DH proposed two months after buying the ring, and aside from one asshole cousin who gave me shit for being "such a control freak that I had to be there when he bought the ring," no one gave me a hard time about the way things went down.
My advice is to explain to people that while you've taken steps towards engagement, you're not engaged. The same way that you can take steps towards married (ie.buying your wedding band) and not be married yet.
Good luck!
I would have been mad at H if he had the ring and was showing it off to everybody; that's one thing a girl is supposed to look forward to doing!! It also is a big tease "look what I got and you can't have it yet".
I see the point you (@swazzle and @lapeanut1018) are making in regards to your personal preference. I don't want BF showing everyone the ring before proposing either. The OP just didn't seem bothered by it so I don't really think it matters. I only responded to speakeasy14 because I read her post as less her saying her preference and more her saying OP's SO is in the wrong because he's showing people the ring, which just isn't necessarily true IMO.
I do think OP should probably discuss it with her SO though. If the comments are really annoying, him not showing off the ring could help in reducing how often it is brought up.
I wouldn't have minded if someone else had seen it but I'd be a bit sad if my nearest and dearest had already seen it. I loved showing everyone the ring when I had it on my hand. It would have bugged me a little knowing oh, right, this isn't the first time you've seen this.
To each their own, but I'd be more anxious waiting for a proposal if he had been showing off the ring to our friends and family but not asking me yet.
My guy aren't very traditional. We met in 2009. Moved in together. Broke up March 2010. I moved out. I got sick and moved back in in June 2010. We then dated for a month in 2012. Broke up and started dating again in March 2014.
He has given me a promise ring. I have shown everyone my ring and told them that it means we are getting married soon, but truth be told.
IT'S MY RELATIONSHIP AND I DON"T HAVE TO EXPLAIN ANYTHING.
As for the showing of the ring. He pulls it out in front of me to show guest in our home as well as brought it to work with him to show all of his co workers. He only showed my parents because he wanted to appease my old fashion parents by asking for their permission to propose.