Bridesmaid Troubles!!

amcarroll2

I have 4 bridesmaids, two of whom are my Matron and Maid of Honor.  My 4th bridesmaid is being very tacky about my wedding and various events. She has not come to any events so far and always has a petty excuse.  Most recently my MOHs were trying to plan my bridal shower. They were tentatively saying May 30th. The 4th bridesmaid says she can't come because her and her husband always go to Ruidoso the last weekend in May.  In the 3 years I've known her, this has never happened.  Next, we're planning on an out of town Bachelorette party for June.  This same bridesmaid says she's never made it to an out of town bachelorette party, not even her sister's.  If money were an issue I would understand, but this friend is very well off and that is not the case.  As if that isn't enough, she told my MOH that her husband isn't going to come to my wedding because he would be bored.  I am very hurt and upset by all this and unsure of what to do or how to handle it!

kat1114

Say nothing. Her only job as a bridesmaid is to show up in the dress on your wedding day. Also, no matter how well-off you think someone is, you are never in a position to judge what they should be spending their finances on. 

amcarroll2

I'm not saying she should spend her money on me by any means, don't get me wrong.  I was saying that if money was an issue I would understand her not being able to go out of town with us.  It's just frustrating that she never wants to do anything with me and our friends for my wedding but yet expects everyone to drop whatever they might be doing to come to her events.  

Maggie0829

You can be frustrated all you want but honestly it sounds like this BM has always been this way. Just because you are getting married doesn't mean that she is going to change her ways of acting.  And since you asked her to be a BM in your wedding then I am assuming that you have accepted how she is because if you don't like her attitude or how she never wants to do anything then why would you want to stay friends with her?

mikenberger

amcarroll2 said:

I have 4 bridesmaids, two of whom are my Matron and Maid of Honor.  My 4th bridesmaid is being very tacky about my wedding and various events. She has not come to any events so far and always has a petty excuse.  Most recently my MOHs were trying to plan my bridal shower. They were tentatively saying May 30th. The 4th bridesmaid says she can't come because her and her husband always go to Ruidoso the last weekend in May.  In the 3 years I've known her, this has never happened.  Next, we're planning on an out of town Bachelorette party for June.  This same bridesmaid says she's never made it to an out of town bachelorette party, not even her sister's.  If money were an issue I would understand, but this friend is very well off and that is not the case.  As if that isn't enough, she told my MOH that her husband isn't going to come to my wedding because he would be bored.  I am very hurt and upset by all this and unsure of what to do or how to handle it!

But she doesn't have to come to anything. She doesn't have to drop any money on your wedding besides a dress within her budget. 

You don't own her bank account, you have no idea if she's well off. She may be buying everything on credit and floundering. You have no idea and shouldn't make such assumptions. And weddings aren't for everybody. Her husband has no obligation to come to your wedding just because his wife is a bridesmaid.

You really need to tone down your attitude. If she's not reciprocating your FRIENDSHIP that's one thing. If she's not reciprocating your WEDDING NEEDS, that's an entirely different thing. And they are mutually exclusive of each other.

amcarroll2

Apparently I should've explained this better.  My friend did not become this way until wedding planning started.  If her husband doesn't want to come that's fine but her comment was rude and hurtful.  She is not reciprocating FRIENDSHIP or WEDDING NEEDS and I was seeking advice, not asking to be attacked.  So much for nice, genuine, help.  I don't think I'm the only one who needs to tone down my attitude.

mikenberger

amcarroll2 said:

Apparently I should've explained this better.  My friend did not become this way until wedding planning started.  If her husband doesn't want to come that's fine but her comment was rude and hurtful.  She is not reciprocating FRIENDSHIP or WEDDING NEEDS and I was seeking advice, not asking to be attacked.  So much for nice, genuine, help.  I don't think I'm the only one who needs to tone down my attitude.

If she didn't become this way until you started wedding planning, why do you think that is? Have you inquired? 

You stated already that she didn't even attend her sisters functions. Sounds like this is a known behavior, you just didn't have first hand knowledge of it. 

ETA: Couldn't find a gif fast enough that display the measure of eye roll I have.

justsie

I don't see where any of the previous ladies attacked you, just maybe told you things you didn't want to hear. What they say is true, the only thing your friend is responsible for is showing up on your wedding, wearing the dress and smiling for photos. If you expect only this then there are no problems between you and your friend. 

I'm curious as to what has happened to your friend since you started wedding planning? Have you two spend any time hanging out and doing non-wedding things? I'm wondering if something has happened to her and she could really use a friend right now. Spend some time hanging out with her and don't talk about the wedding, just be friends. 

Maggie0829

amcarroll2 said:

Apparently I should've explained this better.  My friend did not become this way until wedding planning started.  If her husband doesn't want to come that's fine but her comment was rude and hurtful.  She is not reciprocating FRIENDSHIP or WEDDING NEEDS and I was seeking advice, not asking to be attacked.  So much for nice, genuine, help.  I don't think I'm the only one who needs to tone down my attitude.

Then I would be concerned for my friend and wonder what possibly could be going on for her to suddenly act this way.

You need to take the wedding out of this completely.  All she has to do for your wedding is get the dress and show up on time.  That is it.  Your wedding is one day and is not worth ruining a friendship over.

So focus on this from a friends perspective.  Have you tried to talk to her about non-wedding related things?  Have you hung out with her and asked her how her life is going?  Stop focusing on why she isn't attending your wedding events and focus more on why your friends attitude has changed all of a sudden.

climbingsingle

When is the last time you asked her to do something non- wedding related? She's not required to attend any of these parties. Your wedding is not the most important thing going on in other people's lives.
And what "wedding needs" do you have??

southernbelle0915

I understand it's confusing when you don't understand why someone is doing something. You shouldn't judge whether she is "well off" and "can afford" it. Her finances are personal - as yours are personal. She doesn't need to give you a reason (i.e. "I can't afford this"). She can just decline and, as a good friend, you should give her the benefit of the doubt.

An invitation isn't a summons. She can decline. If you get an invitation to one her her events, YOU can decline. With or without reason. Without feeling judged or that people are talking junk about it. 

I encourage you to let this go. You can't control it and it's not worth being upset about during this exciting time.

short+sassy

amcarroll2 said:

I have 4 bridesmaids, two of whom are my Matron and Maid of Honor.  My 4th bridesmaid is being very tacky about my wedding and various events.

She isn't being tacky, at least from what you have described so far.  It sounds like wedding events are just not her thing.  It's disappointing, I agree.  But the only thing she is required to do as a BM is show up to your wedding on time, relatively sober, and in the proper attire.

She has not come to any events so far and always has a petty excuse.  Most recently my MOHs were trying to plan my bridal shower. They were tentatively saying May 30th. The 4th bridesmaid says she can't come because her and her husband always go to Ruidoso the last weekend in May.  In the 3 years I've known her, this has never happened.

For whatever reason, May 30th is not a good day for her.  Has she thrown up objections for a number of other dates or only that one?  If there is a date that will work for all of them as well as yourself and other VPs, than that should be the date they choose.  If she is throwing up objections for most dates, than the MOH and other BMs should choose the date that works best for everyone else and if she can't come, she can't come.

  Next, we're planning on an out of town Bachelorette party for June.  This same bridesmaid says she's never made it to an out of town bachelorette party, not even her sister's.  If money were an issue I would understand, but this friend is very well off and that is not the case.  As if that isn't enough, she told my MOH that her husband isn't going to come to my wedding because he would be bored.  I am very hurt and upset by all this and unsure of what to do or how to handle it!

She basically told you, without being point blank, that she doesn't like OOT Bachelorette parties.  If you read other posts here on TK about OOT Bachelorette parties, you will see a lot of women don't care for them.  I'm not saying they're a bad idea, but it is definitely a "know your crowd" thing.  They might be right up their alley for you, your MOH, and other BMs.  However, if it is not something she wants to participate in, that is totally fine also.  Maybe you can all go out for lunch or dinner with her before the rest of you head out for the vacay.

I agree the comment about why her husband wasn't coming should not have been made.  She should have just told you he couldn't make it and left it at that.  But now I need to play devil's advocate.  Did she do that at first and then you asked her why he wasn't coming?  If so, then it would be a bit on you for asking a question you may not have wanted to hear the answer to.  Either way, I think she could have said it a bit more kindly.  I also wouldn't read too much into his not wanting to go to the wedding.  I see that as more being he is just a guy who doesn't like going to weddings in general, not yours specifically. 

Sage advice you will often see on these boards is no one is going to be as excited for your wedding as you and your FI.  It's okay to be disappointed she doesn't seem more enthused about going to various wedding events.  I would be also.  But I would also understand it isn't my place to be mad at her or say anything.  There is nothing wrong with her choosing to not participate either because she has other obligations or simply doesn't want to go. 

slothiegal

amcarroll2 said:

I have 4 bridesmaids, two of whom are my Matron and Maid of Honor.  My 4th bridesmaid is being very tacky about my wedding and various events. She has not come to any events so far and always has a petty excuse.  Most recently my MOHs were trying to plan my bridal shower. They were tentatively saying May 30th. The 4th bridesmaid says she can't come because her and her husband always go to Ruidoso the last weekend in May.  In the 3 years I've known her, this has never happened.  Next, we're planning on an out of town Bachelorette party for June.  This same bridesmaid says she's never made it to an out of town bachelorette party, not even her sister's.  If money were an issue I would understand, but this friend is very well off and that is not the case.  As if that isn't enough, she told my MOH that her husband isn't going to come to my wedding because he would be bored.  I am very hurt and upset by all this and unsure of what to do or how to handle it!

Someone certainly is sounding petty, and it's not your bridesmaid.


ETA word