Wedding Etiquette Forum

Guest Invited Guest

We have invited a guest, S, to our wedding. She had been dating someone for awhile so we were going to obviously invite him as her guest. At some point we had talked about "plus 1-ing" her with her because she was in a serious relationship(casually but in hindsight shouldn't have been done?).They broke up before before invites were sent. When I sent out invitations I didn't "plus 1" her because they had broken up at this point. 

The invitation was no longer "plus 1" but she cornered my fiance(I was told after we left) at church and asked since it was mentioned before about a plus 1 if she could invite another girl from church because that girl really wanted to come but wasn't invited. I feel like this is an etiquette no-no on her part but partly ours. My fiance is pretty much the nicest person I know and it was an awkward situation so he said that would be fine.

At this point there is nothing I can do about that. My fiance said yes and I get that. The girl who wasn't invited is now coming. I've come to terms with this for the most part. It still really annoys me for a few reasons. Why would this girl want to come if she wasn't invited? What would possess someone to invite people to someone else's wedding? Why ask my fiance alone and not both of us? Why is my fiance so nice?(Haha I'm just kidding!)

Anyway, at this point, should I say something? Do something? Forget about it? Talk to the not-invited guest? (I see her twice a week and the only thing we've said to each other in the past year is "hello"). Talk to friend who invited her and tell her to quit inviting people(hah)? 

What would you do?
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Re: Guest Invited Guest

  • mealee said:
    We have invited a guest, S, to our wedding. She had been dating someone for awhile so we were going to obviously invite him as her guest. At some point we had talked about "plus 1-ing" her with her because she was in a serious relationship(casually but in hindsight shouldn't have been done?).They broke up before before invites were sent. When I sent out invitations I didn't "plus 1" her because they had broken up at this point. 

    The invitation was no longer "plus 1" but she cornered my fiance(I was told after we left) at church and asked since it was mentioned before about a plus 1 if she could invite another girl from church because that girl really wanted to come but wasn't invited. I feel like this is an etiquette no-no on her part but partly ours. My fiance is pretty much the nicest person I know and it was an awkward situation so he said that would be fine.

    At this point there is nothing I can do about that. My fiance said yes and I get that. The girl who wasn't invited is now coming. I've come to terms with this for the most part. It still really annoys me for a few reasons. Why would this girl want to come if she wasn't invited? What would possess someone to invite people to someone else's wedding? Why ask my fiance alone and not both of us? Why is my fiance so nice?(Haha I'm just kidding!)

    Anyway, at this point, should I say something? Do something? Forget about it? Talk to the not-invited guest? (I see her twice a week and the only thing we've said to each other in the past year is "hello"). Talk to friend who invited her and tell her to quit inviting people(hah)? 

    What would you do?
    Your FI verbally Ok'd this so you need to just accommodate S and her guest as you do every other guest.

    Your FI could have said no. Plus ones for truly single guests are not required. And since she was truly single when invites went out, you were fine to invite her w/o a plus one. It was extremely ballsy/rude of her to ask to bring a friend. But your FI said yes, so that's on him/you.
    *********************************************************************************

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  • Firstly, just for the future, anyone with a significant other (husband, boyfriend, partner, etc- anyone they consider themselves to be in a relationship with) needs to have that significant other invited on the invitation by name. A plus one is an optional extra to give a guest.

    So if your friend was still dating her ex, he would need to have been invited on the invitation by name. Since they broke up, it's your option to give her a plus one. Since you didn't give her one, it was rude of her to ask if she could bring someone.

    Since your Fi already said yes, it's too late to rescind the plus one now. I think you and your Fi should talk to make sure you're both on the same page with what to do in situations like this in the future. That way, he's not saying yes to certain requests without you knowing. Hopefully this doesn't happen again though, but at least then you both will be better equipped!

    Formerly martha1818

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  • Don't say anything. What's done is done. Your H told her she could bring a friend. When you see them, greet them politely as any gracious guest would do. Honestly you'll have so much going on that day that you'll barely notice her.

    And people are weird. My cousin asked if he could bring her dad, who had divorced my mom's sister 20 years ago and that my family hates with a fiery passion.
  • Well, part of this ship has sailed, but for lurkers: If someone is in a relationship, they aren't given a Plus One, their SO is invited by name. You are not inviting your friend and her plus one, you are inviting a social unit which in this cases consists of two people in a relationship. Plus Ones are for people who are single.

    That being said, since she was single when invites went out you were not obligated to issue her a Plus One even after verbally inviting her then SO. While yes it was very rude of her to ask, your FI said yes and so I think you have to make room for her friend.

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  • mealee said:
    We have invited a guest, S, to our wedding. She had been dating someone for awhile so we were going to obviously invite him as her guest. At some point we had talked about "plus 1-ing" her with her because she was in a serious relationship(casually but in hindsight shouldn't have been done?).They broke up before before invites were sent. When I sent out invitations I didn't "plus 1" her because they had broken up at this point. 

    The invitation was no longer "plus 1" but she cornered my fiance(I was told after we left) at church and asked since it was mentioned before about a plus 1 if she could invite another girl from church because that girl really wanted to come but wasn't invited. I feel like this is an etiquette no-no on her part but partly ours. My fiance is pretty much the nicest person I know and it was an awkward situation so he said that would be fine.

    At this point there is nothing I can do about that. My fiance said yes and I get that. The girl who wasn't invited is now coming. I've come to terms with this for the most part. It still really annoys me for a few reasons. Why would this girl want to come if she wasn't invited? What would possess someone to invite people to someone else's wedding? Why ask my fiance alone and not both of us? Why is my fiance so nice?(Haha I'm just kidding!)

    Anyway, at this point, should I say something? Do something? Forget about it? Talk to the not-invited guest? (I see her twice a week and the only thing we've said to each other in the past year is "hello"). Talk to friend who invited her and tell her to quit inviting people(hah)? 

    What would you do?
    There is really only one person to blame for this situation and that is your fi. Yes, what she did was horribly rude, but he said yes so that ship has sailed. Also, as soon as you said "plus 1" she is free to bring who she wants. Her BF wasn't a plus one but a significant other. 

    So what should you do now? Make her an escort card, add her to the table plan and teach your fi to say no. There is absolutely nothing else you can do or say without being rude.

    PS: This really isn't something that you should need to "come to terms with". I guarantee you will not even notice her on the day. If this is the worst thing to happen on your wedding, you are a very lucky person.

  • PS: This really isn't something that you should need to "come to terms with". I guarantee you will not even notice her on the day. If this is the worst thing to happen on your wedding, you are a very lucky person.
    It is something I have had to come to terms with because I didn't invite her to our wedding. By not inviting her that means I didn't want her there. It wasn't because I didn't have room/budget for her I just honestly did not want her at our wedding and now she is coming.
  • You are squarely in, I can't do anything about it so I might as well be gracious about it land.tt

    If you meet you can smile and say, I hear you are coming to our wedding with friend. How nice, I still have lots to do... and exit.

    If you nicely but subtly keep it on the basis she is a guest of your guest, not directly one of yours, and let any shower holder know that you basically don't know her, she will not wiggle herself into other wedding things.
    Annoying, but there have always been town busybodies who like to insert themselves into other people's affairs, and most people are taken by surprise and say, uh, sure. Just like your friend and your honey. PITA, but you won't get caught twice. Fill in FI, shower and Bach holders. She will probably get you a weird small gift, or a nice gift that is inappropriately large that only a close friend would give so you feel like she is buying your friendship.
    Somehow such people do not see themselves as we see them. They do not understand boundaries. They think a fence rail is there to give them something to hold on to when they swing themselves over your property lines.
  • mealee said:

    PS: This really isn't something that you should need to "come to terms with". I guarantee you will not even notice her on the day. If this is the worst thing to happen on your wedding, you are a very lucky person.
    It is something I have had to come to terms with because I didn't invite her to our wedding. By not inviting her that means I didn't want her there. It wasn't because I didn't have room/budget for her I just honestly did not want her at our wedding and now she is coming.
    But your FI invited her thorough S, so it's too late. He should have said no, I"m sorry we can't accommodate any additional guests. Does he know you don't like this woman? 

    Also, if you had given S a plus one if she were still dating her boyfriend, instead of naming him on the invite, she would have been able to invite anyone, not necessarily her boyfriend. 

    Let this be a lesson to have you and your FI talk about things before one makes a decision without the other.
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  • mealee said:

    PS: This really isn't something that you should need to "come to terms with". I guarantee you will not even notice her on the day. If this is the worst thing to happen on your wedding, you are a very lucky person.
    It is something I have had to come to terms with because I didn't invite her to our wedding. By not inviting her that means I didn't want her there. It wasn't because I didn't have room/budget for her I just honestly did not want her at our wedding and now she is coming.
    You come to terms with the death of a family member. You come to terms with losing your job unexpectedly. You come to terms with a divorce, deployment, or a miscarriage.

    You absolutely do not need to "come to terms" with one additional person at your wedding. 

  •  and let any shower holder know that you basically don't know her, she will not wiggle herself into other wedding things.
    This is exactly why she asked my FI alone and not with me present(I was in the same room, though). The friend who invited her came up to me the same night and started talking about my bachelorette party which was 2 days later at that point.I politely changed the subject when the other girl walked up. I didn't know they had already asked my FI at this point. Clearly, now I can see they were trying to ask if other girl could come to the party. 

    I'm pretty straight forward and would have said NO in both situations. They definitely went for the easier "yes" first. Hah.

    It really just makes me laugh now. 
  • mealee said:

    PS: This really isn't something that you should need to "come to terms with". I guarantee you will not even notice her on the day. If this is the worst thing to happen on your wedding, you are a very lucky person.
    It is something I have had to come to terms with because I didn't invite her to our wedding. By not inviting her that means I didn't want her there. It wasn't because I didn't have room/budget for her I just honestly did not want her at our wedding and now she is coming.
    And the person you need to be mad at about it then is your FI, not the girl who asked and not the girl who is coming.
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  • scribe95 said:
    So you dislike this woman seriously enough to "come to terms with it" but your FI didn't know it? Weird. It's on him. 


    I don't dislike the girl. I never said that. She just wasn't invited because she isn't our friend.
  • mealee said:
    scribe95 said:
    So you dislike this woman seriously enough to "come to terms with it" but your FI didn't know it? Weird. It's on him. 


    I don't dislike the girl. I never said that. She just wasn't invited because she isn't our friend.
    Then I just don't understand all the drama of having to come to grips with her coming if you have no hard feelings for her.
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  • mealee said:
    scribe95 said:
    So you dislike this woman seriously enough to "come to terms with it" but your FI didn't know it? Weird. It's on him. 


    I don't dislike the girl. I never said that. She just wasn't invited because she isn't our friend.
    Did you give anyone else a plus one? When you give a plus one (I know you didn't invite her with one, but what is done is done), they can invite anyone they want. 

    You need to get over this.
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  • mealee said:
    scribe95 said:
    So you dislike this woman seriously enough to "come to terms with it" but your FI didn't know it? Weird. It's on him. 


    I don't dislike the girl. I never said that. She just wasn't invited because she isn't our friend.

    ...Okay? Did anyone else get a "plus one" or an "and guest" because there might be other guests bringing people you aren't friends with.

    This seems like a whole lotta drama that you are creating over something that isn't a big deal. Like, at all.

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  • Sometimes it is not so much upsetting or drama, but bewildering, like why do this?
  • Sometimes it is not so much upsetting or drama, but bewildering, like why do this?
    Right, but it's really nothing to dwell on.  It's done, she's invited, move on and add her to the list of people attending.
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  • redoryx said:

    Actually, OP, I have a serious non-snarky question.

    In your original conversations with your friend, was she told her then-boyfriend was invited or was she told she was getting a Plus One? Because if you told her a Plus One (and the fact that you keep referring to it as such in the original post makes me think that's what happened) then it stands to reason she still expected one despite breaking up with her guy so I don't think her asking your FI is really all that out of line if you told her she'd be able to bring a guest and then you rescinded that when invites went out.

    I wondered the same.
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  • There really isn't any drama. I'm annoyed by it but it is whatever. I was explaining the situation but also just wondering what to do now. Invite her to other wedding things(parties)? Do I got out of my way to make her feel like a welcome addition to the guest list?(like have a normal conversation) Do I need to explain why she wasn't invited? It just feels really awkward now. Normally, I think, you wouldn't need to think about these things with "guests" but I spend 10+ hours a week with this girl. It is almost like an elephant in the room.

    For the record because people keeping bringing this up. No ones invitation had "guest" or "plus 1". Everyone was invited by name. We won't have any "random" guests at the wedding. We know each and every person we invited. It is a very small wedding. We do "know" this person. She just isn't a friend. 
  • plainjane0415plainjane0415 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited January 2015
    mealee said:
    There really isn't any drama. I'm annoyed by it but it is whatever. I was explaining the situation but also just wondering what to do now. Invite her to other wedding things(parties)? Do I got out of my way to make her feel like a welcome addition to the guest list?(like have a normal conversation) Do I need to explain why she wasn't invited? It just feels really awkward now. Normally, I think, you wouldn't need to think about these things with "guests" but I spend 10+ hours a week with this girl. It is almost like an elephant in the room.

    For the record because people keeping bringing this up. No ones invitation had "guest" or "plus 1". Everyone was invited by name. We won't have any "random" guests at the wedding. We know each and every person we invited. It is a very small wedding. We do "know" this person. She just isn't a friend. 

    1st bolded: are you inviting every guest to every pre wedding party? if no, then you don't have to invite her to any pre wedding stuff.  If you are, then well......Ok...

    2nd bolded: Yes, you welcome her at the reception, and you have a cordial conversation with her.  (Are you really asking this?)

    3rd bolded:  No, you do not need to explain why she herself did not receive an invitation from you.  Drop it.  LET IT GO.

    ETA words

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  • mealee said:
    There really isn't any drama. I'm annoyed by it but it is whatever. I was explaining the situation but also just wondering what to do now. Invite her to other wedding things(parties)? Do I got out of my way to make her feel like a welcome addition to the guest list?(like have a normal conversation) Do I need to explain why she wasn't invited? It just feels really awkward now. Normally, I think, you wouldn't need to think about these things with "guests" but I spend 10+ hours a week with this girl. It is almost like an elephant in the room.

    For the record because people keeping bringing this up. No ones invitation had "guest" or "plus 1". Everyone was invited by name. We won't have any "random" guests at the wedding. We know each and every person we invited. It is a very small wedding. We do "know" this person. She just isn't a friend. 
    What?  Why is this even a question?  

    Why are you making all of this so damn complicated?

  • MUD. TK's full of it today.
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  • mealee said:
    There really isn't any drama. I'm annoyed by it but it is whatever. I was explaining the situation but also just wondering what to do now. Invite her to other wedding things(parties)? Do I got out of my way to make her feel like a welcome addition to the guest list?(like have a normal conversation) Do I need to explain why she wasn't invited? It just feels really awkward now. Normally, I think, you wouldn't need to think about these things with "guests" but I spend 10+ hours a week with this girl. It is almost like an elephant in the room.

    For the record because people keeping bringing this up. No ones invitation had "guest" or "plus 1". Everyone was invited by name. We won't have any "random" guests at the wedding. We know each and every person we invited. It is a very small wedding. We do "know" this person. She just isn't a friend. 

    1st bolded: are you inviting every guest to every pre wedding party? if no, then you don't have to invite her to any pre wedding stuff.  If you are, then well......Ok...

    2nd bolded: Yes, you welcome her at the reception, and you have a cordial conversation with her.  (Are you really asking this?)

    3rd bolded:  No, you do not need to explain why she herself did not receive an invitation from you.  Drop it.  LET IT GO.

    ETA words

    I just assumed the second bolded meant that she was asking about the next time she sees her, not at the wedding. I think she meant the next time she sees her does she have to say, "I'm so excited to see you at my wedding!" But I wouldn't worry about it, I'd just talk to her like you always do, and if that only consists of "hello" I'd leave it at that.
  • mealee said:
    There really isn't any drama. I'm annoyed by it but it is whatever. I was explaining the situation but also just wondering what to do now. Invite her to other wedding things(parties)? Do I got out of my way to make her feel like a welcome addition to the guest list?(like have a normal conversation) Do I need to explain why she wasn't invited? It just feels really awkward now. Normally, I think, you wouldn't need to think about these things with "guests" but I spend 10+ hours a week with this girl. It is almost like an elephant in the room.

    For the record because people keeping bringing this up. No ones invitation had "guest" or "plus 1". Everyone was invited by name. We won't have any "random" guests at the wedding. We know each and every person we invited. It is a very small wedding. We do "know" this person. She just isn't a friend. 
    What?  Why is this even a question?  

    Why are you making all of this so damn complicated?
    There really isn't anything that complicated other than how you are making it out to be. 

    Yes, every female that was invited to my wedding is coming/came(or at least invited) to things(bachelorette, bridal shower etc). It is a very small wedding. It was possible to do this and not have it be a big affair. She will now be the ONLY one not invited...because she was invited in the first place.
  • mealee said:
    mealee said:
    There really isn't any drama. I'm annoyed by it but it is whatever. I was explaining the situation but also just wondering what to do now. Invite her to other wedding things(parties)? Do I got out of my way to make her feel like a welcome addition to the guest list?(like have a normal conversation) Do I need to explain why she wasn't invited? It just feels really awkward now. Normally, I think, you wouldn't need to think about these things with "guests" but I spend 10+ hours a week with this girl. It is almost like an elephant in the room.

    For the record because people keeping bringing this up. No ones invitation had "guest" or "plus 1". Everyone was invited by name. We won't have any "random" guests at the wedding. We know each and every person we invited. It is a very small wedding. We do "know" this person. She just isn't a friend. 
    What?  Why is this even a question?  

    Why are you making all of this so damn complicated?
    There really isn't anything that complicated other than how you are making it out to be. 

    Yes, every female that was invited to my wedding is coming/came(or at least invited) to things(bachelorette, bridal shower etc). It is a very small wedding. It was possible to do this and not have it be a big affair. She will now be the ONLY one not invited...because she was invited in the first place.


    She is a guest of a friend that you invited.  So now I will ask, are you inviting every guest and plus ones to your pre wedding parties?  My opinion is because she is a guest of an invited guest, she doesn't have to be invited to any pre- wedding activities.  I could be wrong though, if I am, someone please correct me.

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  • mealeemealee member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    edited January 2015


    She is a guest of a friend that you invited.  So now I will ask, are you inviting every guest and plus ones to your pre wedding parties?  My opinion is because she is a guest of an invited guest, she doesn't have to be invited to any pre- wedding activities.  I could be wrong though, if I am, someone please correct me.

    Everyone was invited by name. There are no guests/plus one. Even if we knew the SO only because we were friends with their SO first we are friends now. There aren't any unknown guests attending and that is why they are all invited to all pre-wedding activities. I can see how that might sound crazy but it really is a small wedding. 
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