Wedding Etiquette Forum

Guest Invited Guest

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Re: Guest Invited Guest

  • You definitely do not need to invite her to anything else.  She was not originally a guest.  Maybe you will get lucky and she can't even make it anyway.  Have you actually received the RSVP card back stating that she would be attending?

    And I don't think there is anything wrong with "coming to terms" with this girl coming.  This is your wedding and you are spending a lot of money on this event (or someone is).  You expect everything to be perfect and that includes your guest list...especially if it's a small intimate affair!  I would say hello to her politely at the wedding, and let that be it.  Spend the rest of your time with the people you actually want there. 

  • Jdl541989 said:
    mealee said:
    mealee said:
    There really isn't any drama. I'm annoyed by it but it is whatever. I was explaining the situation but also just wondering what to do now. Invite her to other wedding things(parties)? Do I got out of my way to make her feel like a welcome addition to the guest list?(like have a normal conversation) Do I need to explain why she wasn't invited? It just feels really awkward now. Normally, I think, you wouldn't need to think about these things with "guests" but I spend 10+ hours a week with this girl. It is almost like an elephant in the room.

    For the record because people keeping bringing this up. No ones invitation had "guest" or "plus 1". Everyone was invited by name. We won't have any "random" guests at the wedding. We know each and every person we invited. It is a very small wedding. We do "know" this person. She just isn't a friend. 
    What?  Why is this even a question?  

    Why are you making all of this so damn complicated?
    There really isn't anything that complicated other than how you are making it out to be. 

    Yes, every female that was invited to my wedding is coming/came(or at least invited) to things(bachelorette, bridal shower etc). It is a very small wedding. It was possible to do this and not have it be a big affair. She will now be the ONLY one not invited...because she was invited in the first place.


    She is a guest of a friend that you invited.  So now I will ask, are you inviting every guest and plus ones to your pre wedding parties?  My opinion is because she is a guest of an invited guest, she doesn't have to be invited to any pre- wedding activities.  I could be wrong though, if I am, someone please correct me.

    SHE DOES NOT NEED TO BE INVITED TO ANYTHING. SHE ISN'T YOUR GUEST. LOOK AT IT THAT AWAY. IF SHE DOESN'T LIKE IT, THEN SHE CAN JUST UNINVITE HERELF FROM THE WEDDING.

    GOOD LUCK :-)

    WHY ARE WE YELLING?



  • Viczaesar said:
    Jdl541989 said:
    mealee said:
    mealee said:
    There really isn't any drama. I'm annoyed by it but it is whatever. I was explaining the situation but also just wondering what to do now. Invite her to other wedding things(parties)? Do I got out of my way to make her feel like a welcome addition to the guest list?(like have a normal conversation) Do I need to explain why she wasn't invited? It just feels really awkward now. Normally, I think, you wouldn't need to think about these things with "guests" but I spend 10+ hours a week with this girl. It is almost like an elephant in the room.

    For the record because people keeping bringing this up. No ones invitation had "guest" or "plus 1". Everyone was invited by name. We won't have any "random" guests at the wedding. We know each and every person we invited. It is a very small wedding. We do "know" this person. She just isn't a friend. 
    What?  Why is this even a question?  

    Why are you making all of this so damn complicated?
    There really isn't anything that complicated other than how you are making it out to be. 

    Yes, every female that was invited to my wedding is coming/came(or at least invited) to things(bachelorette, bridal shower etc). It is a very small wedding. It was possible to do this and not have it be a big affair. She will now be the ONLY one not invited...because she was invited in the first place.


    She is a guest of a friend that you invited.  So now I will ask, are you inviting every guest and plus ones to your pre wedding parties?  My opinion is because she is a guest of an invited guest, she doesn't have to be invited to any pre- wedding activities.  I could be wrong though, if I am, someone please correct me.

    SHE DOES NOT NEED TO BE INVITED TO ANYTHING. SHE ISN'T YOUR GUEST. LOOK AT IT THAT AWAY. IF SHE DOESN'T LIKE IT, THEN SHE CAN JUST UNINVITE HERELF FROM THE WEDDING.

    GOOD LUCK :-)

    WHY ARE WE YELLING?
    WHO IS YELLING? CAPITAL LETTERS DOESN'T MAKE IT YELLING. JUST SAYIN' :-)
  • Jdl541989 said:
    Viczaesar said:
    Jdl541989 said:
    mealee said:
    mealee said:
    There really isn't any drama. I'm annoyed by it but it is whatever. I was explaining the situation but also just wondering what to do now. Invite her to other wedding things(parties)? Do I got out of my way to make her feel like a welcome addition to the guest list?(like have a normal conversation) Do I need to explain why she wasn't invited? It just feels really awkward now. Normally, I think, you wouldn't need to think about these things with "guests" but I spend 10+ hours a week with this girl. It is almost like an elephant in the room.

    For the record because people keeping bringing this up. No ones invitation had "guest" or "plus 1". Everyone was invited by name. We won't have any "random" guests at the wedding. We know each and every person we invited. It is a very small wedding. We do "know" this person. She just isn't a friend. 
    What?  Why is this even a question?  

    Why are you making all of this so damn complicated?
    There really isn't anything that complicated other than how you are making it out to be. 

    Yes, every female that was invited to my wedding is coming/came(or at least invited) to things(bachelorette, bridal shower etc). It is a very small wedding. It was possible to do this and not have it be a big affair. She will now be the ONLY one not invited...because she was invited in the first place.


    She is a guest of a friend that you invited.  So now I will ask, are you inviting every guest and plus ones to your pre wedding parties?  My opinion is because she is a guest of an invited guest, she doesn't have to be invited to any pre- wedding activities.  I could be wrong though, if I am, someone please correct me.

    SHE DOES NOT NEED TO BE INVITED TO ANYTHING. SHE ISN'T YOUR GUEST. LOOK AT IT THAT AWAY. IF SHE DOESN'T LIKE IT, THEN SHE CAN JUST UNINVITE HERELF FROM THE WEDDING.

    GOOD LUCK :-)

    WHY ARE WE YELLING?
    WHO IS YELLING? CAPITAL LETTERS DOESN'T MAKE IT YELLING. JUST SAYIN' :-)
    Are you still using those AOL free trial disks?  C'mon now, this is internet basics 101.
    Anniversary

    image
  • gabiriot said:

    My fiancé's friend was also seeing a girl, we don't know whether they are together or just seeing each other...we tried to ask him if they were a couple so we knew what to do as far as invitations, his response was "I would appreciate a plus 1". NOW some of you may disagree, but we are not inviting him with a plus 1. If you can't answer appropriately then I can't make exceptions. My fiancé left it to me to tell him this...he has learned not to answer questions without first consulting me...he usually says "I'll have to ask my fiancé", which gets him off the hook and buys him time to consult with me and helps him continue to look like the nice guy... :)

    See, I would take this to mean they are a couple and he was just too polite to say, "Of course you should fucking invite us together."

    Honestly, I think his response was appropriate. My interpretation is that he is unsure where his relationship is at this point so he doesn't consider her a "significant other". I think it would be curteous to give him a plus 1 as by the time your wedding rolls around she might be his significant other but if you don't have the budget for it I would just leave it at "I'm sorry but we do not have room in our budget to invite +1s"
  • Jdl541989 said:
    Viczaesar said:
    Jdl541989 said:
    mealee said:
    mealee said:
    There really isn't any drama. I'm annoyed by it but it is whatever. I was explaining the situation but also just wondering what to do now. Invite her to other wedding things(parties)? Do I got out of my way to make her feel like a welcome addition to the guest list?(like have a normal conversation) Do I need to explain why she wasn't invited? It just feels really awkward now. Normally, I think, you wouldn't need to think about these things with "guests" but I spend 10+ hours a week with this girl. It is almost like an elephant in the room.

    For the record because people keeping bringing this up. No ones invitation had "guest" or "plus 1". Everyone was invited by name. We won't have any "random" guests at the wedding. We know each and every person we invited. It is a very small wedding. We do "know" this person. She just isn't a friend. 
    What?  Why is this even a question?  

    Why are you making all of this so damn complicated?
    There really isn't anything that complicated other than how you are making it out to be. 

    Yes, every female that was invited to my wedding is coming/came(or at least invited) to things(bachelorette, bridal shower etc). It is a very small wedding. It was possible to do this and not have it be a big affair. She will now be the ONLY one not invited...because she was invited in the first place.


    She is a guest of a friend that you invited.  So now I will ask, are you inviting every guest and plus ones to your pre wedding parties?  My opinion is because she is a guest of an invited guest, she doesn't have to be invited to any pre- wedding activities.  I could be wrong though, if I am, someone please correct me.

    SHE DOES NOT NEED TO BE INVITED TO ANYTHING. SHE ISN'T YOUR GUEST. LOOK AT IT THAT AWAY. IF SHE DOESN'T LIKE IT, THEN SHE CAN JUST UNINVITE HERELF FROM THE WEDDING.

    GOOD LUCK :-)

    WHY ARE WE YELLING?
    WHO IS YELLING? CAPITAL LETTERS DOESN'T MAKE IT YELLING. JUST SAYIN' :-)
    Are you still using those AOL free trial disks?  C'mon now, this is internet basics 101.
    Haha I remember when I had to explain this to my dad. For the longest time I thought he was angry at me when sending a text message to me.  He said, "oh I was just highlighting the important parts" haha
  • OH JOY THE SNOWFLAKES HAVE LANDED!

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • Jdl541989 said:
    Viczaesar said:
    Jdl541989 said:
    mealee said:
    mealee said:
    There really isn't any drama. I'm annoyed by it but it is whatever. I was explaining the situation but also just wondering what to do now. Invite her to other wedding things(parties)? Do I got out of my way to make her feel like a welcome addition to the guest list?(like have a normal conversation) Do I need to explain why she wasn't invited? It just feels really awkward now. Normally, I think, you wouldn't need to think about these things with "guests" but I spend 10+ hours a week with this girl. It is almost like an elephant in the room.

    For the record because people keeping bringing this up. No ones invitation had "guest" or "plus 1". Everyone was invited by name. We won't have any "random" guests at the wedding. We know each and every person we invited. It is a very small wedding. We do "know" this person. She just isn't a friend. 
    What?  Why is this even a question?  

    Why are you making all of this so damn complicated?
    There really isn't anything that complicated other than how you are making it out to be. 

    Yes, every female that was invited to my wedding is coming/came(or at least invited) to things(bachelorette, bridal shower etc). It is a very small wedding. It was possible to do this and not have it be a big affair. She will now be the ONLY one not invited...because she was invited in the first place.


    She is a guest of a friend that you invited.  So now I will ask, are you inviting every guest and plus ones to your pre wedding parties?  My opinion is because she is a guest of an invited guest, she doesn't have to be invited to any pre- wedding activities.  I could be wrong though, if I am, someone please correct me.

    SHE DOES NOT NEED TO BE INVITED TO ANYTHING. SHE ISN'T YOUR GUEST. LOOK AT IT THAT AWAY. IF SHE DOESN'T LIKE IT, THEN SHE CAN JUST UNINVITE HERELF FROM THE WEDDING.

    GOOD LUCK :-)

    WHY ARE WE YELLING?
    WHO IS YELLING? CAPITAL LETTERS DOESN'T MAKE IT YELLING. JUST SAYIN' :-)
    Are you still using those AOL free trial disks?  C'mon now, this is internet basics 101.
    image

  • If you knew the guy, you would never make the assumption that he was part of a "couple". Hence the reason he will not admit to being "a couple" and for $160/pp I'd rather not just make assumptions. Especially when he could throw a curve and choose to bring someone entirely different causing unnecessary drama for all of us (especially since we know this girl). He never said they were together, he said they were "hooking up" to my fiancé and asked him not to tell anyone…

    It's natural to want opinions from friends, family and even strangers on theknot board and I think it's absolutely ok for everyone to be honest with you about what they think...but I think ultimately - your wedding is exactly that, YOU'RE wedding. No one will ever agree with 100% of the decisions you make from invites to the color of the bridesmaid dresses to your desserts. You and your fiancé have to be happy with the decisions, and those who love and care about you with stand by your side whether they may have chosen to do it differently or not. 

    And side note - even if it was his girlfriend that none of us were aware of in the first place, had he not been polite enough and decided to go with what you said, I'd probably have a problem inviting him to my wedding period, let alone a plus 1. JS!
  • gabiriot said:
    If you knew the guy, you would never make the assumption that he was part of a "couple". Hence the reason he will not admit to being "a couple" and for $160/pp I'd rather not just make assumptions. Especially when he could throw a curve and choose to bring someone entirely different causing unnecessary drama for all of us (especially since we know this girl). He never said they were together, he said they were "hooking up" to my fiancé and asked him not to tell anyone…

    It's natural to want opinions from friends, family and even strangers on theknot board and I think it's absolutely ok for everyone to be honest with you about what they think...but I think ultimately - your wedding is exactly that, YOU'RE YOUR wedding. No one will ever agree with 100% of the decisions you make from invites to the color of the bridesmaid dresses to your desserts. You and your fiancé have to be happy with the decisions, and those who love and care about you with stand by your side whether they may have chosen to do it differently or not. 

    And side note - even if it was his girlfriend that none of us were aware of in the first place, had he not been polite enough and decided to go with what you said, I'd probably have a problem inviting him to my wedding period, let alone a plus 1. JS!

    As long as these decisions don't actually affect your guests (like the color of the bridesmaids' dresses, the look of the venue, etc.), that's fine.

    But in an area where this is about the comfort of a guest, your guests' needs dictate what happens. If you invite them to an event, you have to host them properly. And a guest needs to be invited with their significant other. If you truly want all the decisions in your wedding to be about you and what you want most, you cannot invite any guests.

    also FTFY

  • Thanks for the fix...yes if a guest has a significant other then they should be invited. But someone the guest calls a "hookup", sorry can't agree. You don't need to give everyone a plus 1, specifically those who aren't in any sort of relationship other then "hooking up".

    Also to say if you want all decisions to be your own, than you can not invite any guests is a bit extreme don't you think? Of course you can invite people. It's your w doing, you have to set guidelines to what YOU'RE okay with and not okay with. If you don't feel that someone should be invited with a plus 1 because you haven't heard from them that they are in a relationship, there is nothing wrong with inviting them solo. You are paying for your wedding & every person who is invited. In my case I had to make cuts where I didn't want to due to the budget situation. I'm absolutely not going to be okay with someone bringing a random girl to my wedding when I have friends that I was not able to invite.

    In the case of the original post - it's too bad your fiancé said okay to this girl, but unfortunately I do think it's too late to do anything about it. Other people (guests) don't consider all the time, effort, money, etc that you will put into your wedding, because it's not their big day and that's okay. Moving forward though, I think you need to do what you feel most comfortable with and of that means not inviting her to other events, then like these other lovely ladies above me mentioned, don't!

    As far as in the office or wherever it is you see her, just go about your regular routine. you should never feel uncomfortable with the decisions you made for your guest list (or any others for that matter) for your day!
  • Please excuse random and wrong word placement - using my autocorrecting crazy iphone!
  • flantasticflantastic member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited February 2015

    If you do ask, "Hey, are you dating anyone" and your friend replies, "Well, there is this girl I'm hooking up with" (bringing a girl up in response to your question rather than just saying no) and you then ask, "Well, would you consider her your girlfriend?" and he says no, then I think you don't have to invite her as a SO, as this guest clearly considers himself still single, and you have the option of extending a true plus one. But you have to ask the question directly.

  • @gabiriot - putting the onus on guests to reach out to you and say "oh FYI, I'm in a relationship" isn't the way this should be handled. The HOST should reach out and proactively ASK. 

    If you reach out to the guest and they say "oh, I'm just hooking up with this girl, we aren't really dating." Then I would agree, you don't need to invite her. If the guest says, "Yea, I'm seeing someone." Then the host would say, "Great, how is her name spelled? I want to make sure I address her correctly on invitations."

    This is not rocket science. What you are suggesting is that the hosts JUDGE versus ASK. That is rude and asking for misunderstandings. 

    You are also suggesting that people do whatever they want because "it's your day!!" This attitude is fabulous if you don't invite anyone. But as soon as you invite people, it is in fact their day too and, as the host, you're responsible for treating them well. 
    *********************************************************************************

    image
  • Why is this debate continuing?  This is super freaking simple:

    Prior to inviting a guest to your wedding, you contact the guest personally and ASK THEM if they are in a relationship. 

    If they say YES, you invite that guest with their SO by name on the invitation.

    If they say NO it's your prerogative whether or not you give them a Plus 1.

    If they don't give you a clear answer, ask for clarification.

    Why do people appear to have so much trouble directly communicating with their supposedly nearest and dearest friends?

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • I am wondering, I don't know, I am asking.

    If a couple are SO's, but don't live together, do you address the outer envelope to both? Isn't it incorrect to send mail to an address where someone does not reside?

  • Lisa -

     

    Really no need for the sarcasm, I'm not here to pick a fight with you. This whole post started because someone said they were upset that a guest asked about a friend coming with them who wasn't invited. The guest wasn't invited with a plus one because she has broken up with her boyfriend, and was only invited alone. The guest later on asked her fiancé if it was ok to bring a another friend with the friend being there. Him being in an uncomfortable situation said "okay" and she was asking what to do about it.

     

    My response to her was that there is nothing to do about it now and that the thing to take away from this situation is to discuss these things with your fiancé so that you're both on the same page. I

     

    I used an example from my wedding where we (my fiancé and I) reached out to a friend because he had mentioned at some point that he was having sex with a girl we knew to put it in exact terms and so we reached out to find out whether or not they were together and if so we would have invited her personally. His response wasn't that he was with her or not with her, he didn't clarify anything and just said he would appreciate a plus 1. We as a couple decided that we would have to invite people with someone else on a case by case basis because of course we are inviting significant others and some people have been seeing someone for a while as well, but if it's just sex then NO I am not inviting them. Especially when I have family members and friends that I was unable to invite.

     

    If you had been following the post from beginning, you'd see that I wasn't asking opinions on whether I was doing the right thing or being a good host. I was trying to explain that being on the same page as your partner for whatever the decision is will help a situation where he says yes to something you may not have... plain and simple.

     

    Jumping down my throat with sarcasm about me being the only one on a budget is really unnecessary, and honestly ironic that your post talks about "rude people", meanwhile.....

  • LondonLisaLondonLisa member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited February 2015
    abiriot said:

    Lisa -

     

    Really no need for the sarcasm, I'm not here to pick a fight with you. This whole post started because someone said they were upset that a guest asked about a friend coming with them who wasn't invited. The guest wasn't invited with a plus one because she has broken up with her boyfriend, and was only invited alone. The guest later on asked her fiancé if it was ok to bring a another friend with the friend being there. Him being in an uncomfortable situation said "okay" and she was asking what to do about it.

     

    My response to her was that there is nothing to do about it now and that the thing to take away from this situation is to discuss these things with your fiancé so that you're both on the same page. I

     

    I used an example from my wedding where we (my fiancé and I) reached out to a friend because he had mentioned at some point that he was having sex with a girl we knew to put it in exact terms and so we reached out to find out whether or not they were together and if so we would have invited her personally. His response wasn't that he was with her or not with her, he didn't clarify anything and just said he would appreciate a plus 1. We as a couple decided that we would have to invite people with someone else on a case by case basis because of course we are inviting significant others and some people have been seeing someone for a while as well, but if it's just sex then NO I am not inviting them. Especially when I have family members and friends that I was unable to invite.

     

    If you had been following the post from beginning, you'd see that I wasn't asking opinions on whether I was doing the right thing or being a good host. I was trying to explain that being on the same page as your partner for whatever the decision is will help a situation where he says yes to something you may not have... plain and simple.

     

    Jumping down my throat with sarcasm about me being the only one on a budget is really unnecessary, and honestly ironic that your post talks about "rude people", meanwhile.....

    That's fine, and I'm glad it worked out for you. However, it is obnoxious to use many of the excuses you gave:

    - "Just a hook up": Your guest said that he would really appreciate a date, whilst you are not required to give a plus one, that might have been his signal that yes, this was a budding relationship. You are fine to make the call you did, but I cannot say I would do the same.

    - "I'm on a budget": Everyone is on a budget!

    - "Its your day": If you just want it to be about you, elope. 

    - "I'm not giving a date when I can't even invite my friends": The potential for a few extra dates for new SOs should have been factored into budget planning. If you really wanted these friends there, you should have lowered your food package, had a non-meal wedding, bought a cheaper dress or one of the myriad of other lower budget choices. Own the fact that you chose certain things over having your friends there. The way to host a wedding is come up with the guest list, figure out the budget, and then see how you can host all of those guests appropriately.  

    Obviously they need to be on the same page, and obviously there is nothing she can do now (if you'll reread the pages, that is actually the advice I gave on page 1). 

    But using any of the above excuses just perpetuates bridezilla behaviour... There is absolutely no reason to use ANY of the excuses above. 

    And to the last point, I think Bender sums it up best:

    image
  • danamw said:

    I am wondering, I don't know, I am asking.

    If a couple are SO's, but don't live together, do you address the outer envelope to both? Isn't it incorrect to send mail to an address where someone does not reside?

    I would.

    I dated my DH for 11 years before we got engaged, and we never lived together.  During that time we received wedding invitations and Christmas cards/Thank You cards addressed to both of us and sent to either my address or his.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • danamw said:

    I am wondering, I don't know, I am asking.

    If a couple are SO's, but don't live together, do you address the outer envelope to both? Isn't it incorrect to send mail to an address where someone does not reside?

    I would.

    I dated my DH for 11 years before we got engaged, and we never lived together.  During that time we received wedding invitations and Christmas cards/Thank You cards addressed to both of us and sent to either my address or his.
    Properly, individuals who don't live together must receive individual invitations at their own addresses.


    Powers  &8^]

  • LtPowers said:
    danamw said:

    I am wondering, I don't know, I am asking.

    If a couple are SO's, but don't live together, do you address the outer envelope to both? Isn't it incorrect to send mail to an address where someone does not reside?

    I would.

    I dated my DH for 11 years before we got engaged, and we never lived together.  During that time we received wedding invitations and Christmas cards/Thank You cards addressed to both of us and sent to either my address or his.
    Properly, individuals who don't live together must receive individual invitations at their own addresses.


    Powers  &8^]

    This is another option as well.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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