Wedding Etiquette Forum

Church Wedding- should I ask his family first?

A couple nights ago I was talking to my FSIL about her up coming wedding and we got to talking about what I plan for my wedding. I have decided to have my wedding in November in Canada. Which means that it can be beautiful or it could potentially be -40 and a blizzard. So to be on the safe side I decided we would get married in the church so the weather wouldn't affect the plans at all. When I mentioned getting married in the church (same one my parents were married in and I was baptized in) my FGrandMIL turned her nose up and kind of made a funny noise. None of my FI family is religious but I didn't think they would be against us getting married in the church. 

Should I have asked them if they were ok with it before hand? The FI doesn't care either way he just wants to get married.
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Re: Church Wedding- should I ask his family first?

  • A couple nights ago I was talking to my FSIL about her up coming wedding and we got to talking about what I plan for my wedding. I have decided to have my wedding in November in Canada. Which means that it can be beautiful or it could potentially be -40 and a blizzard. So to be on the safe side I decided we would get married in the church so the weather wouldn't affect the plans at all. When I mentioned getting married in the church (same one my parents were married in and I was baptized in) my FGrandMIL turned her nose up and kind of made a funny noise. None of my FI family is religious but I didn't think they would be against us getting married in the church. 

    Should I have asked them if they were ok with it before hand? The FI doesn't care either way he just wants to get married.

    Are your FIL paying for all or part of the wedding? Because if they are, then they get a say.

    Also, is this your wedding, or your and your fi's wedding together? I cant really tell from how you word your post. It seems to be all about what you want. Is he on board with all of your plans?

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  • I am more concerned by the idea that there could be very bad weather, rather than the church.

    I don't think there is anything wrong with your wanting to be married in that church. And I think it is rude and ignorant for the FGIL to act that way.

    I don't think you have to ask anyone.

  • Nope. They get no say in this and it was rude of them to act that way. This is up to you and your Fi.

    However if they are contributing financially to the reception, then they have some say in its location.

    Formerly martha1818

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  • We are paying for everything except the dress which my parents have offered to pay for. And yes he is on board with any and all plans. Like I said he just wants to get married haha I am sure he would stand outside in that -40 if I asked him. 
  • mikenbergermikenberger member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited January 2015
    If they're paying a large chunk of your wedding, I would put more investment into their thoughts and considerations. Since they're not, pfft. Off a cliff they go (as far as wedding locations go)

    I would be concerned though that my church wouldn't marry a non-believer or someone who wasn't a member of the church. Have you checked with the church about their marriage standards for ceremonies?

    ETA: Trying not to throw the baby out with the bathwater.

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  • edited January 2015
    Personally, I think that if you want to get married in a church that's entirely up to you. Same with not getting married in a church. Parents might pull their contributions, but the religious or secular element you and your SO want to have should be entirely up to the two of you.

    I would never get married in or not in a church just to please others, it's a very personal choice.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited January 2015
    Your FGMIL has no input into where you are getting married, and neither does anyone beside you and your FI with regards to whether or not the ceremony is in a church.
  • Get married wherever you want. If it means a lot to you to get married in the church and your FI is fine either way, then get married in the church. Your money, your ceremony, your choice. 

    It sounds like you're just starting wedding planning. Lots of people will have opinions about how you should/shouldn't do things. If you are paying, you have the final say. Learn/Love the phrase "Thanks for the idea/suggestion/thought, we'll think about that." Rinse, repeat as necessary.
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  • Are you a member or only getting married in a church because of possible bad weather (which I don't understand - bad weather exists around churches as well as other locations)? 
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  • KatWAG said:



    A couple nights ago I was talking to my FSIL about her up coming wedding and we got to talking about what I plan for my wedding. I have decided to have my wedding in November in Canada. Which means that it can be beautiful or it could potentially be -40 and a blizzard. So to be on the safe side I decided we would get married in the church so the weather wouldn't affect the plans at all. When I mentioned getting married in the church (same one my parents were married in and I was baptized in) my FGrandMIL turned her nose up and kind of made a funny noise. None of my FI family is religious but I didn't think they would be against us getting married in the church. 


    Should I have asked them if they were ok with it before hand? The FI doesn't care either way he just wants to get married.

    Are your FIL paying for all or part of the wedding? Because if they are, then they get a say.

    Also, is this your wedding, or your and your fi's wedding together? I cant really tell from how you word your post. It seems to be all about what you want. Is he on board with all of your plans?

    ***************
    Traditional etiquette : One of the few decisions that the people who pay, get a say rules do not apply to is religion.

    The couple gets to choose if they have a religious ceremony or not, and which religion, and which congregation or parish.

    No one contributing to a marriage has any right to determine that or negotiate terms. Long standing tradition.
  • Being Canadian, I'm now curious where you would be that could be -40. I mean, it happens, but that is extreme!

    Get married where you want. That is you and your FI's decision. Make sure you look into being allowed to be married there, every church has their own rules regarding membership and attendance I'm sure.
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  • lilacck28lilacck28 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited January 2015

    Are you a member or only getting married in a church because of possible bad weather (which I don't understand - bad weather exists around churches as well as other locations)? 
    THIS. If all you want is an indoor area to get married... tons of non religious venues do this. If that is more inline with you / your fiance's beliefs.. then why not do that?

    And if you really do want to get married in the church, and your FI is okay with it, then yes, that's completely up to you two!

    But, I can kind of understand his family's reaction. My family would be very surprised/ probably have a weird reaction if I was marrying someone who was raised more religiously and I said I was going to get married in an orthodox/ conservative temple. They would also have a weird reaction if I was marrying someone who was culturally christian, and said we were going to get married in a church. They would see me, my beliefs, and my background, as getting bulldozed by my fiance's. They would be concerned about me not getting my wishes, or my feelings getting overlooked in an effort to please FI.

    Obviously, when you marry someone who was raised differently then you were you HAVE to make those compromises and decisions, and if your FI really is okay with it, then his family just needs to get over it and should not make faces or comments at you over it anymore. But I wouldn't villainize them for their initial reaction. (though it doesn't sound like you were, so that's very good. ) High road and empathy is always better for relationships.
  • YogaSandyYogaSandy member
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    edited January 2015

    Being Canadian, I'm now curious where you would be that could be -40. I mean, it happens, but that is extreme.


    No idea where OP lives. However, in Northern Ontario (and I dont mean North Bay - I mean 7 hours North of Thunder Bay) -40 is very common. Not so common in November, but I'm pretty sure it was this year (but maybe it wasn't until early December).

    But OP also said it could be beautiful in November, and that is almost never guaranteed to happen where I live. Way more rare in November than -40.
  • First of all, you should look into wedding insurance in case the weather might affect your plans.

    Second, no, as long as you and your FI are in agreement about being married in the church then you don't need to consult anyone else.
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  • I live in Northern BC. Last year it was beautiful right up until the middle of December...this year we had a week of -30 to -40. I think if we do it the first weekend in November we should have just a little bit of snow but not extreme cold weather. 

    Yes I am a member of the church and its not just because its cold out that I want to get married there. As I said my parents were married there, me and my brothers were baptized there, I met one of my best friends there. It does have special meaning to me and if the FI has no objections then I can't see what issues his family could have. Its not like I am going against their religion because they don't have one.

    You should have seen the faces when I mentioned how our future children will be baptized and attend the Church Elementary School (which is the best school in town right now). But that was just said in passing one day. When we actually have these mythical children then maybe we can all sit down and see what the big deal is.
  • larrygagalarrygaga member
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    edited January 2015
    Am I the only one weirded out by atheists who get married in a church? It just seems fake.

    I also used to get weirded out how my childhood church would be PACKED on Christmas and Easter, and any other sunday it would be the regulars. 

    I don't attend church anymore, I'm not getting married in one and I don't go on holidays. I think church is an all or nothing deal. Church should be for sincere people, right?
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  • lilacck28lilacck28 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited January 2015
    larrygaga said:
    Am I the only one weirded out by atheists who get married in a church? It just seems fake.

    I also used to get weirded out how my childhood church would be PACKED on Christmas and Easter, and any other sunday it would be the regulars. 

    I don't attend church anymore, I'm not getting married in one and I don't go on holidays. I think church is an all or nothing deal. Church should be for sincere people, right?
    You're not the only one. But I'm kind of a hypocrite. I am not religious. My fiance is not religious. We're both agnostic. As are both sets of our parents. We all pretty much affiliate with Judaism culturally. We like the holidays, we like knowing our history, we like the food and the inside jokes. Do we go to temple? No. Do we believe most of what is in the Torah? Nope. But we're getting married by a reform Rabbi (not in a temple. At my reception location.) So yeah... hypocrite... but we both kind of wanted a Rabbi (a less religious one, but still) ... and my mom definitely wanted one. Or, in her words, "a Jewish Justice of the Peace." That's how things go sometimes. Paradoxes.


    I live in Northern BC. Last year it was beautiful right up until the middle of December...this year we had a week of -30 to -40. I think if we do it the first weekend in November we should have just a little bit of snow but not extreme cold weather. 

    Yes I am a member of the church and its not just because its cold out that I want to get married there. As I said my parents were married there, me and my brothers were baptized there, I met one of my best friends there. It does have special meaning to me and if the FI has no objections then I can't see what issues his family could have. Its not like I am going against their religion because they don't have one.

    You should have seen the faces when I mentioned how our future children will be baptized and attend the Church Elementary School (which is the best school in town right now). But that was just said in passing one day. When we actually have these mythical children then maybe we can all sit down and see what the big deal is.
    See bold: People who do not affiliate with a religion often do so because they see a lot of problems with religion. So... yeah, this point makes no sense.

    Anyway, all of this... getting married in a church, having your kids baptized, going to a christian school.... that's all between you and your fiance. You don't need to involve his family.

    Side note: if my brother was going to marry a girl who talked about then raising their children religiously (in any religion)... I would be concerned (read, side eye)... since I have had conversations with my brother about this very topic, and I know his previous feelings on it.

    I'd definitely wonder if he really talked about these things with his FI, if he had changed his mind, or if it was all coming from her. I'd probably talk about this issue/ switch with my FI/ my parents. I'd be weirded out/ very concerned that my brother is going along with things that he never wanted before. I'd maybe even ask him if he is actually on board with all the things his FI said, if he had talked about it with her.

    Is it my place to judge? No! My brother and his hypothetical love have every right to raise their children however they want. But... I'd still be concerned about this seeming 180, because he's my brother. And sometimes family has a hard time feeling like other poeple they care about have fully thought things through. Just because you know its wrong to stick your nose in someplace, or make a face showing displeasure, doesn't mean its not very difficult to control your reactions to a major change that occurs with someone you love.

    ETA: So, if you've really hashed all this out with your FI, then what his family thinks does not matter. But maybe if you get a face again, he should tell his family that he's totally thought about these things, that they're what he wants as well. Just, reassure them that he's not out there in the ether ignoring blatant red flags and he's made informed choices. Of course, he doesn't have to do this. But... it might make life easier? Or, it could open him up to getting argued with. I don't know his family or how they react to things. If I had that convo with my brother and he reassured me, I'd drop it, and I'd try not to make unconscious "ugh" faces in the future. Note, "try." I have realized that I have a very hard time controlling my facial expressions lately.
  • I live in Northern BC. Last year it was beautiful right up until the middle of December...this year we had a week of -30 to -40. I think if we do it the first weekend in November we should have just a little bit of snow but not extreme cold weather. 

    Yes I am a member of the church and its not just because its cold out that I want to get married there. As I said my parents were married there, me and my brothers were baptized there, I met one of my best friends there. It does have special meaning to me and if the FI has no objections then I can't see what issues his family could have. Its not like I am going against their religion because they don't have one.

    You should have seen the faces when I mentioned how our future children will be baptized and attend the Church Elementary School (which is the best school in town right now). But that was just said in passing one day. When we actually have these mythical children then maybe we can all sit down and see what the big deal is.

    Uh not true haha. If they are atheists then I can totally see why they would react that way. However, it doesn't really matter, get married where you guys want.
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  • We are paying for everything except the dress which my parents have offered to pay for. And yes he is on board with any and all plans. Like I said he just wants to get married haha I am sure he would stand outside in that -40 if I asked him. 
    You have to make sure he is more than just "on board" with the plans. It sounds like your future in-laws have some strong opinions on some subjects, and have no issue letting those opinions be known. Your future husband needs to be able to stand up to them and defend HIS choices. Can he, and will he, defend getting married in this church to his family if they make a fuss? Or will he just say "I don't care, I just want to be married. It's her decision". If he's not fully on your side and willing and able to discuss it (and shut it down) with is family, then you're going to have a lot of problems in your marriage when it comes to his family's opinions on all sorts of things, including kids. 
  • larrygaga said:
    Am I the only one weirded out by atheists who get married in a church? It just seems fake.

    I also used to get weirded out how my childhood church would be PACKED on Christmas and Easter, and any other sunday it would be the regulars. 

    I don't attend church anymore, I'm not getting married in one and I don't go on holidays. I think church is an all or nothing deal. Church should be for sincere people, right?
    Agree with all of this.

    H and I didn't get married in a church because we aren't religious and it would make us look like hypocrites.

    I know people who shopped around for a church because they wanted one that looked good in pictures.  That is not how it is done.

    And going to church only on Christmas and Easter does not make up for the other Sundays you didn't go.

  • larrygaga said:
    Am I the only one weirded out by atheists who get married in a church? It just seems fake.

    I also used to get weirded out how my childhood church would be PACKED on Christmas and Easter, and any other sunday it would be the regulars. 

    I don't attend church anymore, I'm not getting married in one and I don't go on holidays. I think church is an all or nothing deal. Church should be for sincere people, right?
    Agree with all of this.

    H and I didn't get married in a church because we aren't religious and it would make us look like hypocrites.

    I know people who shopped around for a church because they wanted one that looked good in pictures.  That is not how it is done.

    And going to church only on Christmas and Easter does not make up for the other Sundays you didn't go.
    Agreed, from a different perspective.  As someone who is religious, I find it downright offensive when people "church shop" just for their weddings.  A church is, among other things, a community of people, and if you have no relationship with that community, why are you getting married there?  I think the only exception to this might be if you are having some sort of destination wedding (especially if the couple lives far away but wants to get married closer to family/hometowns), and it's important to you to have a religious ceremony.

    OP, if you and your FI want to get married in the church, then his family gets no say.  But it seems to me like the two of you might need to sit down and have a long and serious talk about the role religion is going to play in your marriage and your family.  Your comment that you mentioned "in passing" about having the children baptized and sending them to church school really bothered me.  This is really serious stuff.  At the same time, you need to respect that his family believes differently.  Don't throw the grandchildren out there as some teasing thing.
  • SP29SP29 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited January 2015
    The ceremony is the one aspect that is ALL about the bride and groom (minus things like putting down false start times on the invite :P).

    If your FI agrees with this choice, then the in-laws (even if they are paying for the whole thing) do not get a say in this aspect, it is entirely between you and your FI. 

    Same with the raising of your children and future religion, that's for you and your FI, not his family to have any involvement in. 
  • Did the OP say that she was atheist?  I must have missed that.
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  • @CMGragin no the OP is not atheist but her FILs are.

  • She may have reacted that way because they aren't religious and was like not looking down on where you are getting married but more like a "really, he's getting married in a church, he's not religious" With a November wedding in Canada, planning for an indoor venue is basically a must and why not pick a location that has special meaning to you. I'm not religious & neither is my husband or his family but everyone indulged me with my cermony location. I feel in love with a church built in the 1800's that was beautiful. I had dreamed of getting married in this church since I was probably 8 years old (I was 39 when I got married). It was the one "must have" item for my wedding. I never dreamed of any other details of my wedding growing up besides that I wanted that church for my ceremony. Don't let anyone change your mind unless it's your FI.

  • larrygaga said:
    Am I the only one weirded out by atheists who get married in a church? It just seems fake.

    I also used to get weirded out how my childhood church would be PACKED on Christmas and Easter, and any other sunday it would be the regulars. 

    I don't attend church anymore, I'm not getting married in one and I don't go on holidays. I think church is an all or nothing deal. Church should be for sincere people, right?
    Agree with all of this.

    H and I didn't get married in a church because we aren't religious and it would make us look like hypocrites.

    I know people who shopped around for a church because they wanted one that looked good in pictures.  That is not how it is done.

    And going to church only on Christmas and Easter does not make up for the other Sundays you didn't go.
    Agreed, from a different perspective.  As someone who is religious, I find it downright offensive when people "church shop" just for their weddings.  A church is, among other things, a community of people, and if you have no relationship with that community, why are you getting married there?  I think the only exception to this might be if you are having some sort of destination wedding (especially if the couple lives far away but wants to get married closer to family/hometowns), and it's important to you to have a religious ceremony.

    OP, if you and your FI want to get married in the church, then his family gets no say.  But it seems to me like the two of you might need to sit down and have a long and serious talk about the role religion is going to play in your marriage and your family.  Your comment that you mentioned "in passing" about having the children baptized and sending them to church school really bothered me.  This is really serious stuff.  At the same time, you need to respect that his family believes differently.  Don't throw the grandchildren out there as some teasing thing.
    I said it in passing in front of the Grandmother. We don't have any kids yet but it is something that we (the FI and me) have discussed. It is my church and I went to the school so I feel that it is important and while he isn't religious he isn't against our children learning about it and making a choice for themselves when they are older.

    As for the in laws being atheist...just learnt that that may or may not be true. I just heard a story about how his mother decided to try being a JW once because she liked the idea of everyone sharing and helping. Lasted less then a month. So I don't really know how I feel about all that haha
  • I live in Northern BC. Last year it was beautiful right up until the middle of December...this year we had a week of -30 to -40. I think if we do it the first weekend in November we should have just a little bit of snow but not extreme cold weather. 


    Yes I am a member of the church and its not just because its cold out that I want to get married there. As I said my parents were married there, me and my brothers were baptized there, I met one of my best friends there. It does have special meaning to me and if the FI has no objections then I can't see what issues his family could have. Its not like I am going against their religion because they don't have one.

    You should have seen the faces when I mentioned how our future children will be baptized and attend the Church Elementary School (which is the best school in town right now). But that was just said in passing one day. When we actually have these mythical children then maybe we can all sit down and see what the big deal is.
    *********
    While it may be a good idea for you all to have a common understanding of what you are teaching your kids, so they don't get conflicting messages when they are too young to sort them out and mostly find conflicting statements confusing, I would put that discussion off as long as I could get away with it, until the oldest is at least 3.

    We have different religions, but DH and I agree on anything the kids need to know.
    So grandparents who disagree have a default setting response, why don't you ask your Mommy and Daddy about that. That is the only thing we all agree on.
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