Wedding Etiquette Forum

Bridesmaid issues

I have this bridesmaid that I have been having issues with. It was like getting a child to choose to go to the dentist for a filling, just to get her to go get her dress. She wasn't even meant to be my bridesmaid but she ended up guilting me into adding her. 
So after I finally got her to get her dress which was a month after everyone else she hasn't texted me, called me, or responded to any of my attempts to reach her. 

She promised to pay me back for the dress and I cant get a hold of her. I feel like a debt collector and I wish she wouldn't have put me in this position.,.

Background - I specifically asked each and ever bridesmaid if they were able to pay for their own dresses, they ALL said yes, no problem. 

She also has told me that she will be planning my bachelorette party and I explained to her that was the maid of honors job and if she has any opinions to take it up with her. She then proceeded to tell me she would plan a better one and that she is still making a backup bachelorette party anyways since she doesn't trust my maid of honor. 

Please help?!
How do I fix this?!
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Re: Bridesmaid issues

  • Yikes.

    So, wait... Did your MOH already offer to throw you a b-party at the time of this conversation with the bridesmaid?

    Other than that, I think you made your bed by asking her to be a BM, and need to lie in it. Sorry.  
    Hopefully she at least shows up on your wedding day in the dress you bought. Maybe she'll get around to paying you back. Don't bug her; maybe she can't afford it now and is embarrassed.  Otherwise you've eaten that cost--- again, sorry. 
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  • abillmyre said:
    I have this bridesmaid that I have been having issues with. It was like getting a child to choose to go to the dentist for a filling, just to get her to go get her dress. She wasn't even meant to be my bridesmaid but she ended up guilting me into adding her. 
    So after I finally got her to get her dress which was a month after everyone else she hasn't texted me, called me, or responded to any of my attempts to reach her. 

    She promised to pay me back for the dress and I cant get a hold of her. I feel like a debt collector and I wish she wouldn't have put me in this position.,.

    Background - I specifically asked each and ever bridesmaid if they were able to pay for their own dresses, they ALL said yes, no problem. 

    She also has told me that she will be planning my bachelorette party and I explained to her that was the maid of honors job and if she has any opinions to take it up with her. She then proceeded to tell me she would plan a better one and that she is still making a backup bachelorette party anyways since she doesn't trust my maid of honor. 

    Please help?!
    How do I fix this?!

    You asked your BMs if they could afford to pay for the BM dress, but did you ask them their budget for said dress first?  Or did you hear "Oh my BMs can pay for their dresses.  I really love this $250 one!"  You should have asked each their budget first and then found a dress within the lowest budget.

    Don't expect the money back for the dress.  This BM may have pestered you to be in your WP, but you could have continually changed the subject or even said "I'm sorry, I've already picked out my BP."

    I think you want to even fix any of this, you need to fix your friendship first.  You sould like you have been a very overbearing bride to this BM.  How would you feel to be bugged about buying a dress or anything else wedding related, but never get asked how you are?  And the one thing she did offer to do, you shot her down saying it wasn't her place. 

  • esstee33esstee33 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited July 2015
    To be honest, yeah, you sound like you're being super overbearing. Just because it's your wedding and it's incredibly important to you doesn't mean it is to her, nor should it be. She has her own life and all sorts of things in it going on, and if it were me and you were texting me and pestering the shit out of me about getting a dress, I wouldn't want to talk to you either. 

    Some other points: 

    It's nobody's job to plan any parties for you. I know Pinterest and all the wedding magazines talk about your bridal party's "jobs," but please know that it's bullshit. Their only job is to get the dress that you've chosen based on their budgets, which you should've gotten before picking a dress, and stand up next to you on your wedding day. That's it. So if you're requiring them to do things other than that, you're going to create a whole mess that could seriously hurt your friendships, which may be what you're seeing happen with this one BM. Chill out. 
  • I wouldn't contact her about anything wedding related. Contact her as a friend only. If she ignores that, so be it. She will either show up on the day of the wedding, or she won't. C'est la vie.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • To those of you who are saying that bridesmaids don't have jobs are the kind of people who show up to a wedding for the free food. Bridesmaid become part of the bridal party because they are the close friends/family of the bride and are there  to help and support her throughout the wedding and the planning. Not just to show up next to her on the day, anyone can do that.... 

    It's an honour to be part of the bridal (hence the Maid of Honour) title. Otherwise it wouldn't be called that. But yes, there is a fine line, don't forget these are supposed to be your friends, NOT SLAVES but by the sounds of this she didn't even want her to be a bridesmaid in the first place, so to someone whose pushed their way into the bridal party and then not kept in touch, I would take that as her not being interested any more which means she does not require a dress, etc. and has stepped down from being a bridesmaid by not keeping in touch. 

    You've got too much to plan to be worried about if she's going to show up or not. Like Addie Cake said. She will either show up on the day or she wont. C'est La Vie. Just focus on your bridesmaids who are keeping in touch and helping (just don't forget to say thank you all the time for their help) 


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  • To those of you who are saying that bridesmaids don't have jobs are the kind of people who show up to a wedding for the free food. Bridesmaid become part of the bridal party because they are the close friends/family of the bride and are there  to help and support her throughout the wedding and the planning. Not just to show up next to her on the day, anyone can do that.... 

    It's an honour to be part of the bridal (hence the Maid of Honour) title. Otherwise it wouldn't be called that. But yes, there is a fine line, don't forget these are supposed to be your friends, NOT SLAVES but by the sounds of this she didn't even want her to be a bridesmaid in the first place, so to someone whose pushed their way into the bridal party and then not kept in touch, I would take that as her not being interested any more which means she does not require a dress, etc. and has stepped down from being a bridesmaid by not keeping in touch. 

    You've got too much to plan to be worried about if she's going to show up or not. Like Addie Cake said. She will either show up on the day or she wont. C'est La Vie. Just focus on your bridesmaids who are keeping in touch and helping (just don't forget to say thank you all the time for their help) 


    You sound like a terrible friend and bridezilla.
    That's going a bit far, I think.

    What polaroidgurl is missing is that the reason bridesmaids help out the bride is because they are close to her and want to help out, not simply because they're bridesmaids. And while it's not unreasonable for a bride to expect her closest friends and family to offer to help with wedding-related tasks, it shouldn't be required of them.


  • To those of you who are saying that bridesmaids don't have jobs are the kind of people who show up to a wedding for the free food. Bridesmaid become part of the bridal party because they are the close friends/family of the bride and are there  to help and support her throughout the wedding and the planning. Not just to show up next to her on the day, anyone can do that.... 

    It's an honour to be part of the bridal (hence the Maid of Honour) title. Otherwise it wouldn't be called that. But yes, there is a fine line, don't forget these are supposed to be your friends, NOT SLAVES but by the sounds of this she didn't even want her to be a bridesmaid in the first place, so to someone whose pushed their way into the bridal party and then not kept in touch, I would take that as her not being interested any more which means she does not require a dress, etc. and has stepped down from being a bridesmaid by not keeping in touch. 

    You've got too much to plan to be worried about if she's going to show up or not. Like Addie Cake said. She will either show up on the day or she wont. C'est La Vie. Just focus on your bridesmaids who are keeping in touch and helping (just don't forget to say thank you all the time for their help) 


    You sound like a terrible friend and bridezilla.
    That's going a bit far, I think.

    What polaroidgurl is missing is that the reason bridesmaids help out the bride is because they are close to her and want to help out, not simply because they're bridesmaids. And while it's not unreasonable for a bride to expect her closest friends and family to offer to help with wedding-related tasks, it shouldn't be required of them.


    Don't put words in another posters mouth. That's not what she said.

    The only job off a bridesmaid is to buy the dress and stand up next to the bride at the wedding and be in some pictures. That is it! Sure, many bridesmaids throw a shower and bacherlorette party and go wedding dress shopping with the bride. But none of these are required.

    What are these wedding related tasks that bridesmaids are supposed to help with?

    To those of you who are saying that bridesmaids don't have jobs are the kind of people who show up to a wedding for the free food. Bridesmaid become part of the bridal party because they are the close friends/family of the bride and are there  to help and support her throughout the wedding and the planning. Not just to show up next to her on the day, anyone can do that.... 

    It's an honour to be part of the bridal (hence the Maid of Honour) title. Otherwise it wouldn't be called that. But yes, there is a fine line, don't forget these are supposed to be your friends, NOT SLAVES but by the sounds of this she didn't even want her to be a bridesmaid in the first place, so to someone whose pushed their way into the bridal party and then not kept in touch, I would take that as her not being interested any more which means she does not require a dress, etc. and has stepped down from being a bridesmaid by not keeping in touch. 

    You've got too much to plan to be worried about if she's going to show up or not. Like Addie Cake said. She will either show up on the day or she wont. C'est La Vie. Just focus on your bridesmaids who are keeping in touch and helping (just don't forget to say thank you all the time for their help) 


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    Bridesmaids only job is to buy the dress, stand next to the bride, and be in some pictures. There are no other jobs that are required. 
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  • polaroidgurl said:To those of you who are saying that bridesmaids don't have jobs are the kind of people who show up to a wedding for the free food. Bridesmaid become part of the bridal party because they are the close friends/family of the bride and are there  to help and support her throughout the wedding and the planning. Not just to show up next to her on the day, anyone can do that.... 

    It's an honour to be part of the bridal (hence the Maid of Honour) title. Otherwise it wouldn't be called that. But yes, there is a fine line, don't forget these are supposed to be your friends, NOT SLAVES but by the sounds of this she didn't even want her to be a bridesmaid in the first place, so to someone whose pushed their way into the bridal party and then not kept in touch, I would take that as her not being interested any more which means she does not require a dress, etc. and has stepped down from being a bridesmaid by not keeping in touch. 

    You've got too much to plan to be worried about if she's going to show up or not. Like Addie Cake said. She will either show up on the day or she wont. C'est La Vie. Just focus on your bridesmaids who are keeping in touch and helping (just don't forget to say thank you all the time for their help) 




    This argument always kills me: you invited these people because YOU want them to be there and you want to be able to host them with food and booze. They didn't answer an ad in the paper and just show up spontaneously. But suddenly if you knew they were
    only there b/c of the food and booze you'd suddenly want to travel back in time and take them off your guest list? Dah fuk? 
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  • Heffalump said:

    Bridesmaid become part of the bridal party because they are the close friends/family of the bride and are there  to help and support her throughout the wedding and the planning.

    sitb

    Help and support?  It's a wedding, not recovering from a broken leg.
    Sure, but weddings can still be stressful. Isn't that one of the reasons we have friends -- to help us through stressful times?


  • LtPowersLtPowers member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper First Answer
    edited March 2015

    You sound like a terrible friend and bridezilla.

    That's going a bit far, I think.

    What polaroidgurl is missing is that the reason bridesmaids help out the bride is because they are close to her and want to help out, not simply because they're bridesmaids. And while it's not unreasonable for a bride to expect her closest friends and family to offer to help with wedding-related tasks, it shouldn't be required of them.

    Don't put words in another posters mouth. That's not what she said.

    The only job off a bridesmaid is to buy the dress and stand up next to the bride at the wedding and be in some pictures. That is it! Sure, many bridesmaids throw a shower and bacherlorette party and go wedding dress shopping with the bride. But none of these are required.

    What are these wedding related tasks that bridesmaids are supposed to help with?
    ----

    (Boxes fail)


    My apologies -- whose words did I put in someone's mouth?


  • LtPowers said:

    Heffalump said:

    Bridesmaid become part of the bridal party because they are the close friends/family of the bride and are there  to help and support her throughout the wedding and the planning.

    sitb

    Help and support?  It's a wedding, not recovering from a broken leg.
    Sure, but weddings can still be stressful. Isn't that one of the reasons we have friends -- to help us through stressful times?


     

    That's why we hae the people we're marrying. Your friends have lives and stressing over your FMIL's opinions on the flowers you chose do not merit hand-holding by your nearest and dearest.



    Anniversary
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  • Oooookay....

    I'm going to back away slowly now and leave you people to your world where friends don't provide support to each other.


  • LtPowers said:

    Heffalump said:

    Bridesmaid become part of the bridal party because they are the close friends/family of the bride and are there  to help and support her throughout the wedding and the planning.

    sitb

    Help and support?  It's a wedding, not recovering from a broken leg.
    Sure, but weddings can still be stressful. Isn't that one of the reasons we have friends -- to help us through stressful times?


    No. Weddings don't have to be stressful. Also, you have a FI. That is who you turn to for help/support. My husband stuffed envelopes and made centerpieces. Did my MOH offer to help? Yes. I said no. Being a bridesmaid is not a job. The idea of such is laughable. These are people YOU are honoring, not the other way around.
  • LtPowers said:

    Oooookay....


    I'm going to back away slowly now and leave you people to your world where friends don't provide support to each other.


    I just got off the phone with one of my BMs because this week has been really stressful and I've been so upset this weekend...

    about work. She's a work friend. And a BM. And I had a work issue that she's fabulous at helping me respond to and work through.

    That's why we're friends, not because she's going to throw me a party (which she may or may not, depending on how she feels).
  • To those of you who are saying that bridesmaids don't have jobs are the kind of people who show up to a wedding for the free food. Bridesmaid become part of the bridal party because they are the close friends/family of the bride and are there  to help and support her throughout the wedding and the planning. Not just to show up next to her on the day, anyone can do that.... 

    It's an honour to be part of the bridal (hence the Maid of Honour) title. Otherwise it wouldn't be called that. But yes, there is a fine line, don't forget these are supposed to be your friends, NOT SLAVES but by the sounds of this she didn't even want her to be a bridesmaid in the first place, so to someone whose pushed their way into the bridal party and then not kept in touch, I would take that as her not being interested any more which means she does not require a dress, etc. and has stepped down from being a bridesmaid by not keeping in touch. 

    You've got too much to plan to be worried about if she's going to show up or not. Like Addie Cake said. She will either show up on the day or she wont. C'est La Vie. Just focus on your bridesmaids who are keeping in touch and helping (just don't forget to say thank you all the time for their help) 


    Yep, I want to sit through a ceremony ONLY to be able to eat free dry chicken and get free bottom shelf drinks.  Even better when I'm in the wedding and have to buy a dress I'll never wear again and stand for the duration of the ceremony. 

    Totally the only reason I go to weddings.
    FREELOADER ALERT
  • Yeah, because I *totally* picked my bridesmaids based on how much help they could offer me. And I only go to weddings for free booze.


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  • LtPowers said:

    Oooookay....


    I'm going to back away slowly now and leave you people to your world where friends don't provide support to each other.




    Well shit, I've never been married.  So all the times my friends rallied around me to show support don't count because they've never been my bridesmaids?

    Excuse me, I need to call every single one of my of my friends and tell them they all unsupportive bitches because they've never been my wedding slaves.  I'd better hurry up and pressure BF to marry me so I can finally really be supported by my friends.


  • To those of you who are saying that bridesmaids don't have jobs are the kind of people who show up to a wedding for the free food. Bridesmaid become part of the bridal party because they are the close friends/family of the bride and are there  to help and support her throughout the wedding and the planning. Not just to show up next to her on the day, anyone can do that.... 

    It's an honour to be part of the bridal (hence the Maid of Honour) title. Otherwise it wouldn't be called that. But yes, there is a fine line, don't forget these are supposed to be your friends, NOT SLAVES but by the sounds of this she didn't even want her to be a bridesmaid in the first place, so to someone whose pushed their way into the bridal party and then not kept in touch, I would take that as her not being interested any more which means she does not require a dress, etc. and has stepped down from being a bridesmaid by not keeping in touch. 

    You've got too much to plan to be worried about if she's going to show up or not. Like Addie Cake said. She will either show up on the day or she wont. C'est La Vie. Just focus on your bridesmaids who are keeping in touch and helping (just don't forget to say thank you all the time for their help) 




    Yep, I want to sit through a ceremony ONLY to be able to eat free dry chicken and get free bottom shelf drinks.
      Even better when I'm in the wedding and have to buy a dress I'll never wear again and stand for the duration of the ceremony. 

    Totally the only reason I go to weddings.


    You clearly were not at my wedding :)
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