B List is Bad

levioosa

novella1186 said:

From what I've read on this board is that the only time it's acceptable to invite someone AFTER the invites have already gone out is if you make a new friend... is that correct, ladies? Like if I suddenly became close friends with someone at work, and I realize I want that person to come to my wedding and there's still time to invite them but they weren't on the original invite list, I can still invite them? I feel like I've seen that come up in a few threads before. 

We are on the same wavelength!  I was just typing out a response to this extent. 

ETA: And I think the general consensus is, yes, you may invite them.

photokitty

novella1186 said:

From what I've read on this board is that the only time it's acceptable to invite someone AFTER the invites have already gone out is if you make a new friend... is that correct, ladies? Like if I suddenly became close friends with someone at work, and I realize I want that person to come to my wedding and there's still time to invite them but they weren't on the original invite list, I can still invite them? I feel like I've seen that come up in a few threads before. 

That is correct, new friendship after invites go out are acceptable. 

Also acceptable - asking a truly single people if they would like to bring a guest. SOs obviously had to be invited to begin with.

lalalorelai

bubblegum1309 said:

I feel like my family is the same way. We live all over the country and don't see each other often... but when we do we have a blast and pick right up where we left off. I wouldn't dream of not inviting all of them (plus their spouses... so between 15-20).

I also feel the same way with a later party with lots of dancing... so I agree with you on that.

Not sure what your timeline is, but for me to get all of the above we had to do an 18 month engagement to save up enough money. After 6 years of dating I would have loved to get married right away but knew if I wanted all my family, all my friends and Saturday night wedding then we needed more time so we could up our budget and up our guest list. And honestly that 18 month engagemnet not only flew by but here I am almost 18 months married!

I had a 2 year engagement for this exact reason. It sucks, but actually has flown by and I'm down to less than 5 months. I have 27 cousins (not counting spouses) and I love them all. Just my family alone put us at over 100 people. I knew I had a large guest list and a moderate budget, so I had to find a way to accommodate both. I found a relatively inexpensive venue that let's us bring in our own alcohol (that 3 cousins have previously used for their weddings, so bonus my family already knows how to get there!) and has catering packages to fit any budget. I may not have extravagant centerpieces or filet at my wedding, but I have everyone I love there and that's what matters more to me.

Priorities.

themosthappy91

KatWAG said:

OP, It seems like you really need to adjust your priorities. You sound really immature to me.

You wont consider budget saving options because they dont fit with your vision.

Your fi cant invite his friends because you want to invite your cousins becasue they make a party fun.

If you arent willing to compromise, we cant help you.

Uh I strongly disagree, I feel like she's handling all of this advice really well and not considering doing anything wrong, either etiquette-wise or in terms of fairness to her SO.  She already stated she's already "allotting" herself well under half the guest list.  She's accounted for the fact her SO has more people close to him and is "giving" him more than half of the total number of guests.  I don't think it's fair for her to have to further cut down inviting people who are obviously important to her just because you think friends her SO sees frequently should trump family relations she doesn't get to be with as often.  

It's very clear that although part of her motivation for inviting them is tit-for-tat (which I don't think we can really judge negatively since we don't know her family dynamics- much easier to simply say "etiquette doesn't require tit-for-tat wedding invitations", the reality of how some families operate is much more complicated), she cares for these people and wants to celebrate with them.  

It just seems to me like you have been commenting on this thread with a chip on your shoulder.  I agree with PPs that the best option for OP is to scale back on the budget for other things (wine and beer only bar, for example) to expand their guest list if possible, but I strongly disagree that the OP comes across as immature or unwilling to compromise.

KatWAG

themosthappy91 said:

KatWAG said:

OP, It seems like you really need to adjust your priorities. You sound really immature to me.

You wont consider budget saving options because they dont fit with your vision.

Your fi cant invite his friends because you want to invite your cousins becasue they make a party fun.

If you arent willing to compromise, we cant help you.

Uh I strongly disagree, I feel like she's handling all of this advice really well and not considering doing anything wrong, either etiquette-wise or in terms of fairness to her SO.  She already stated she's already "allotting" herself well under half the guest list.  She's accounted for the fact her SO has more people close to him and is "giving" him more than half of the total number of guests.  I don't think it's fair for her to have to further cut down inviting people who are obviously important to her just because you think friends her SO sees frequently should trump family relations she doesn't get to be with as often.  

It's very clear that although part of her motivation for inviting them is tit-for-tat (which I don't think we can really judge negatively since we don't know her family dynamics- much easier to simply say "etiquette doesn't require tit-for-tat wedding invitations", the reality of how some families operate is much more complicated), she cares for these people and wants to celebrate with them.  

It just seems to me like you have been commenting on this thread with a chip on your shoulder.  I agree with PPs that the best option for OP is to scale back on the budget for other things (wine and beer only bar, for example) to expand their guest list if possible, but I strongly disagree that the OP comes across as immature or unwilling to compromise.

A chip on my shoulder? Okay, sure. You are entitled to your opinion.

I don't think she is compromising on her guest list at all and her Fi is getting the short end of the stick.  She wants to invite people becasue the make a party fun, which is just silly. Or invite people because she was invited to their weddings. And because of all this, her fi cant invite his friends. That doesnt seem fair to me. It actually seems like she might need to readjust her priorities.

She previously said that she was able to invite all of her friends, so  think its reasonable to make a few compromises so that his friends can also attend.

Lots of budget options have been suggested. Lots. And the OP has not entertained any of them. She has even stated thet dont fit with her vision.

So please, show me examples of compromise.

plainjane0415

themosthappy91 said:

KatWAG said:

OP, It seems like you really need to adjust your priorities. You sound really immature to me.

You wont consider budget saving options because they dont fit with your vision.

Your fi cant invite his friends because you want to invite your cousins becasue they make a party fun.

If you arent willing to compromise, we cant help you.

Uh I strongly disagree, I feel like she's handling all of this advice really well and not considering doing anything wrong, either etiquette-wise or in terms of fairness to her SO.  She already stated she's already "allotting" herself well under half the guest list.  She's accounted for the fact her SO has more people close to him and is "giving" him more than half of the total number of guests.  I don't think it's fair for her to have to further cut down inviting people who are obviously important to her just because you think friends her SO sees frequently should trump family relations she doesn't get to be with as often.  

It's very clear that although part of her motivation for inviting them is tit-for-tat (which I don't think we can really judge negatively since we don't know her family dynamics- much easier to simply say "etiquette doesn't require tit-for-tat wedding invitations", the reality of how some families operate is much more complicated), she cares for these people and wants to celebrate with them.  

It just seems to me like you have been commenting on this thread with a chip on your shoulder.  I agree with PPs that the best option for OP is to scale back on the budget for other things (wine and beer only bar, for example) to expand their guest list if possible, but I strongly disagree that the OP comes across as immature or unwilling to compromise.

I just feel like the OP is being unneccesarily rigid about this.  When she said that her family gets priority over any of his invites, that really rubbed me the wrong way.  Her list shouldn't trump his in the grand scheme, because this is THEIR wedding, and they should be able to compromise on who they want to invite, without saying "well, all of my invites are family and family trumps friends in all situations"

I don't have a close knit family.  I have friends who I consider family because they have been there for me more than my actual family has been.  If I was the OP FI, then I would feel slighted that I couldn't invite people who are important to me because they are my friends and not family. Because in her eyes family trumps friends no matter what and I don't agree with that.  Quite frankly I think that argument is bs. 

cakemurderer

themosthappy91 said:

Uh I strongly disagree, I feel like she's handling all of this advice really well and not considering doing anything wrong, either etiquette-wise or in terms of fairness to her SO.  She already stated she's already "allotting" herself well under half the guest list.  She's accounted for the fact her SO has more people close to him and is "giving" him more than half of the total number of guests.  I don't think it's fair for her to have to further cut down inviting people who are obviously important to her just because you think friends her SO sees frequently should trump family relations she doesn't get to be with as often.  

It's very clear that although part of her motivation for inviting them is tit-for-tat (which I don't think we can really judge negatively since we don't know her family dynamics- much easier to simply say "etiquette doesn't require tit-for-tat wedding invitations", the reality of how some families operate is much more complicated), she cares for these people and wants to celebrate with them.  

It just seems to me like you have been commenting on this thread with a chip on your shoulder.  I agree with PPs that the best option for OP is to scale back on the budget for other things (wine and beer only bar, for example) to expand their guest list if possible, but I strongly disagree that the OP comes across as immature or unwilling to compromise.

Thank you for that. I forgot how easily it is to get hurt by posts on the internet from random people who know next to nothing about me. It's amazing how folks jump to conclusions after reading just a few posts that tell them next to nothing about the entirety of the situation.

The fact is, I've already cut corners on the budget wherever I can. I've been lurking in the budget and DIY forums and have gotten a lot of great ideas. My dress will be used/pre-owned, I'm doing my own hair and makeup, minimal or no flowers, FI is wearing a suit he already owns, I'm wearing shoes and jewelry I already own, we're printing our own invitations, etc. We decided which parts of the wedding are a priority, in this case the reception with food and drink and dancing, and are fine with skimping on the rest. Our engagement is long, 22 months, so we have the time to save up enough to throw a great party.

The idea of doing a STD just for family is becoming more appealing, as perhaps that's the way to get some feedback about whether or not they'll be able to make it before we commit to a full invite list. The issue isn't so much that we can only afford to host 80 people exactly, or that FI feels he's being forced to cut close friends so I can invite my distant family (especially since he's getting more than 50% of the guest list for his invites), but rather that I suspect about half of my guest list will RSVP no. Since that amounts to 1/5 of the people we've budgeted for, I'd rather have a heads up so we can fill all of the seats with people we love rather than have 20% of the room empty because I was trying to follow etiquette. I see now from the responses here that there isn't any protocol for this situation. I appreciate all of the helpful responses, especially with tips on how to save on the budget.

plainjane0415

cakemurderer said:

themosthappy91 said:

Uh I strongly disagree, I feel like she's handling all of this advice really well and not considering doing anything wrong, either etiquette-wise or in terms of fairness to her SO.  She already stated she's already "allotting" herself well under half the guest list.  She's accounted for the fact her SO has more people close to him and is "giving" him more than half of the total number of guests.  I don't think it's fair for her to have to further cut down inviting people who are obviously important to her just because you think friends her SO sees frequently should trump family relations she doesn't get to be with as often.  

It's very clear that although part of her motivation for inviting them is tit-for-tat (which I don't think we can really judge negatively since we don't know her family dynamics- much easier to simply say "etiquette doesn't require tit-for-tat wedding invitations", the reality of how some families operate is much more complicated), she cares for these people and wants to celebrate with them.  

It just seems to me like you have been commenting on this thread with a chip on your shoulder.  I agree with PPs that the best option for OP is to scale back on the budget for other things (wine and beer only bar, for example) to expand their guest list if possible, but I strongly disagree that the OP comes across as immature or unwilling to compromise.

Thank you for that. I forgot how easily it is to get hurt by posts on the internet from random people who know next to nothing about me. It's amazing how folks jump to conclusions after reading just a few posts that tell them next to nothing about the entirety of the situation.

The fact is, I've already cut corners on the budget wherever I can. I've been lurking in the budget and DIY forums and have gotten a lot of great ideas. My dress will be used/pre-owned, I'm doing my own hair and makeup, minimal or no flowers, FI is wearing a suit he already owns, I'm wearing shoes and jewelry I already own, we're printing our own invitations, etc. We decided which parts of the wedding are a priority, in this case the reception with food and drink and dancing, and are fine with skimping on the rest. Our engagement is long, 22 months, so we have the time to save up enough to throw a great party.

The idea of doing a STD just for family is becoming more appealing, as perhaps that's the way to get some feedback about whether or not they'll be able to make it before we commit to a full invite list. The issue isn't so much that we can only afford to host 80 people exactly, or that FI feels he's being forced to cut close friends so I can invite my distant family, but rather that I suspect about half of my guest list will RSVP no. Since that amounts to 1/5 of the people we've budgeted for, I'd rather have a heads up so we can fill all of the seats with people we love rather than have 20% of the room empty because I was trying to follow etiquette. I see now from the responses here that there isn't any protocol for this situation. I appreciate all of the helpful responses, especially with tips on how to save on the budget.

I think your best bet is going to be to continue to cut corners on the budget.  It doesn't sound like you are willing to budge on your part of the guest list, so that's really your only option, because b listing is not.

lilacck28

@katwag It sounded like the OP's fiance WAS able to invite friends... he just has a lot of them! So not ALL his friends could be invited....Or did I read that wrong/ miss something?

themosthappy91

KatWAG said:

themosthappy91 said:

KatWAG said:

OP, It seems like you really need to adjust your priorities. You sound really immature to me.

You wont consider budget saving options because they dont fit with your vision.

Your fi cant invite his friends because you want to invite your cousins becasue they make a party fun.

If you arent willing to compromise, we cant help you.

Uh I strongly disagree, I feel like she's handling all of this advice really well and not considering doing anything wrong, either etiquette-wise or in terms of fairness to her SO.  She already stated she's already "allotting" herself well under half the guest list.  She's accounted for the fact her SO has more people close to him and is "giving" him more than half of the total number of guests.  I don't think it's fair for her to have to further cut down inviting people who are obviously important to her just because you think friends her SO sees frequently should trump family relations she doesn't get to be with as often.  

It's very clear that although part of her motivation for inviting them is tit-for-tat (which I don't think we can really judge negatively since we don't know her family dynamics- much easier to simply say "etiquette doesn't require tit-for-tat wedding invitations", the reality of how some families operate is much more complicated), she cares for these people and wants to celebrate with them.  

It just seems to me like you have been commenting on this thread with a chip on your shoulder.  I agree with PPs that the best option for OP is to scale back on the budget for other things (wine and beer only bar, for example) to expand their guest list if possible, but I strongly disagree that the OP comes across as immature or unwilling to compromise.

A chip on my shoulder? Okay, sure. You are entitled to your opinion.

I don't think she is compromising on her guest list at all and her Fi is getting the short end of the stick.  She wants to invite people becasue the make a party fun, which is just silly. Or invite people because she was invited to their weddings. And because of all this, her fi cant invite his friends. That doesnt seem fair to me. It actually seems like she might need to readjust her priorities.

She previously said that she was able to invite all of her friends, so  think its reasonable to make a few compromises so that his friends can also attend.

Lots of budget options have been suggested. Lots. And the OP has not entertained any of them. She has even stated thet dont fit with her vision.

So please, show me examples of compromise.

Didn't she say she's inviting like four or five friends?  So she's inviting her family plus four or five friends, which is still amounting to less than half the total guest list.  How is that unfair?  And how is it unreasonable to want to invite people you have a good time with?  Like I seriously doubt she is inviting them only thinking "Well, they invited me to their wedding and they know how to party... other than that I don't really care for them but still".  I'm sorry but it's not fair to compare someone who is less social and only has a couple good friends to someone outgoing who has tons and say "She gets to invite all her friends, why shouldn't he!?"  

ETA: OP, I'm trusting from the tone of your initial post (and the title of this thread) that you know you can't B-list and are not planning on doing so in any way shape or form.  I think it's fine to send STDs to close family only and feel out if they think there's a chance they can attend but just know that until you have their official RSVP you can't count them out.

plainjane0415

themosthappy91 said:

KatWAG said:

themosthappy91 said:

KatWAG said:

OP, It seems like you really need to adjust your priorities. You sound really immature to me.

You wont consider budget saving options because they dont fit with your vision.

Your fi cant invite his friends because you want to invite your cousins becasue they make a party fun.

If you arent willing to compromise, we cant help you.

Uh I strongly disagree, I feel like she's handling all of this advice really well and not considering doing anything wrong, either etiquette-wise or in terms of fairness to her SO.  She already stated she's already "allotting" herself well under half the guest list.  She's accounted for the fact her SO has more people close to him and is "giving" him more than half of the total number of guests.  I don't think it's fair for her to have to further cut down inviting people who are obviously important to her just because you think friends her SO sees frequently should trump family relations she doesn't get to be with as often.  

It's very clear that although part of her motivation for inviting them is tit-for-tat (which I don't think we can really judge negatively since we don't know her family dynamics- much easier to simply say "etiquette doesn't require tit-for-tat wedding invitations", the reality of how some families operate is much more complicated), she cares for these people and wants to celebrate with them.  

It just seems to me like you have been commenting on this thread with a chip on your shoulder.  I agree with PPs that the best option for OP is to scale back on the budget for other things (wine and beer only bar, for example) to expand their guest list if possible, but I strongly disagree that the OP comes across as immature or unwilling to compromise.

A chip on my shoulder? Okay, sure. You are entitled to your opinion.

I don't think she is compromising on her guest list at all and her Fi is getting the short end of the stick.  She wants to invite people becasue the make a party fun, which is just silly. Or invite people because she was invited to their weddings. And because of all this, her fi cant invite his friends. That doesnt seem fair to me. It actually seems like she might need to readjust her priorities.

She previously said that she was able to invite all of her friends, so  think its reasonable to make a few compromises so that his friends can also attend.

Lots of budget options have been suggested. Lots. And the OP has not entertained any of them. She has even stated thet dont fit with her vision.

So please, show me examples of compromise.

Didn't she say she's inviting like four or five friends?  So she's inviting her family plus four or five friends, which is still amounting to less than half the total guest list.  How is that unfair?  And how is it unreasonable to want to invite people you have a good time with?  Like I seriously doubt she is inviting them only thinking "Well, they invited me to their wedding and they know how to party... other than that I don't really care for them but still".  I'm sorry but it's not fair to compare someone who is less social and only has a couple good friends to someone outgoing who has tons and say "She gets to invite all her friends, why shouldn't he!?"  

The problem doesn't lie with her inviting her friends, the problem lies with her saying that her gues list (which is mostly family) is more important that FI's part so he needs to make the cuts.  No ones guest list is more important than the other. 

themosthappy91

plainjane0415 said:

themosthappy91 said:

KatWAG said:

themosthappy91 said:

KatWAG said:

OP, It seems like you really need to adjust your priorities. You sound really immature to me.

You wont consider budget saving options because they dont fit with your vision.

Your fi cant invite his friends because you want to invite your cousins becasue they make a party fun.

If you arent willing to compromise, we cant help you.

Uh I strongly disagree, I feel like she's handling all of this advice really well and not considering doing anything wrong, either etiquette-wise or in terms of fairness to her SO.  She already stated she's already "allotting" herself well under half the guest list.  She's accounted for the fact her SO has more people close to him and is "giving" him more than half of the total number of guests.  I don't think it's fair for her to have to further cut down inviting people who are obviously important to her just because you think friends her SO sees frequently should trump family relations she doesn't get to be with as often.  

It's very clear that although part of her motivation for inviting them is tit-for-tat (which I don't think we can really judge negatively since we don't know her family dynamics- much easier to simply say "etiquette doesn't require tit-for-tat wedding invitations", the reality of how some families operate is much more complicated), she cares for these people and wants to celebrate with them.  

It just seems to me like you have been commenting on this thread with a chip on your shoulder.  I agree with PPs that the best option for OP is to scale back on the budget for other things (wine and beer only bar, for example) to expand their guest list if possible, but I strongly disagree that the OP comes across as immature or unwilling to compromise.

A chip on my shoulder? Okay, sure. You are entitled to your opinion.

I don't think she is compromising on her guest list at all and her Fi is getting the short end of the stick.  She wants to invite people becasue the make a party fun, which is just silly. Or invite people because she was invited to their weddings. And because of all this, her fi cant invite his friends. That doesnt seem fair to me. It actually seems like she might need to readjust her priorities.

She previously said that she was able to invite all of her friends, so  think its reasonable to make a few compromises so that his friends can also attend.

Lots of budget options have been suggested. Lots. And the OP has not entertained any of them. She has even stated thet dont fit with her vision.

So please, show me examples of compromise.

Didn't she say she's inviting like four or five friends?  So she's inviting her family plus four or five friends, which is still amounting to less than half the total guest list.  How is that unfair?  And how is it unreasonable to want to invite people you have a good time with?  Like I seriously doubt she is inviting them only thinking "Well, they invited me to their wedding and they know how to party... other than that I don't really care for them but still".  I'm sorry but it's not fair to compare someone who is less social and only has a couple good friends to someone outgoing who has tons and say "She gets to invite all her friends, why shouldn't he!?"  


The problem doesn't lie with her inviting her friends, the problem lies with her saying that her gues list (which is mostly family) is more important that FI's part so he needs to make the cuts.  No ones guest list is more important than the other. 


I don't think she said that. How can you make that case when she already is inviting less than half the total number? In a fair world they each get half, plus some allowances for how important it is to each of them to include certain people- since she has stated she's less social it makes sense she has less near and dear people than her FI so he should get more invites on his "side". I just don't know where anyone is getting the impression her cousins should be less important to her than his friends are to him. Y'all are all really lucky if you've never had to live far away from family so you don't get to see them that often. It doesn't mean you love them or value their company any less.

ETA: in her initial post she does say she prioritizes inviting HER family over HER friends, if that is where that impression is coming from. I think that's fair (in some families it's just the way it is that weddings are seen as a family affair first and foremost), but I did not take that to mean she was applying that to her FI's side of the guest list.

bethsmiles

cakemurderer said:

themosthappy91 said:

Uh I strongly disagree, I feel like she's handling all of this advice really well and not considering doing anything wrong, either etiquette-wise or in terms of fairness to her SO.  She already stated she's already "allotting" herself well under half the guest list.  She's accounted for the fact her SO has more people close to him and is "giving" him more than half of the total number of guests.  I don't think it's fair for her to have to further cut down inviting people who are obviously important to her just because you think friends her SO sees frequently should trump family relations she doesn't get to be with as often.  

It's very clear that although part of her motivation for inviting them is tit-for-tat (which I don't think we can really judge negatively since we don't know her family dynamics- much easier to simply say "etiquette doesn't require tit-for-tat wedding invitations", the reality of how some families operate is much more complicated), she cares for these people and wants to celebrate with them.  

It just seems to me like you have been commenting on this thread with a chip on your shoulder.  I agree with PPs that the best option for OP is to scale back on the budget for other things (wine and beer only bar, for example) to expand their guest list if possible, but I strongly disagree that the OP comes across as immature or unwilling to compromise.

Thank you for that. I forgot how easily it is to get hurt by posts on the internet from random people who know next to nothing about me. It's amazing how folks jump to conclusions after reading just a few posts that tell them next to nothing about the entirety of the situation.

The fact is, I've already cut corners on the budget wherever I can. I've been lurking in the budget and DIY forums and have gotten a lot of great ideas. My dress will be used/pre-owned, I'm doing my own hair and makeup, minimal or no flowers, FI is wearing a suit he already owns, I'm wearing shoes and jewelry I already own, we're printing our own invitations, etc. We decided which parts of the wedding are a priority, in this case the reception with food and drink and dancing, and are fine with skimping on the rest. Our engagement is long, 22 months, so we have the time to save up enough to throw a great party.

The idea of doing a STD just for family is becoming more appealing, as perhaps that's the way to get some feedback about whether or not they'll be able to make it before we commit to a full invite list. The issue isn't so much that we can only afford to host 80 people exactly, or that FI feels he's being forced to cut close friends so I can invite my distant family (especially since he's getting more than 50% of the guest list for his invites), but rather that I suspect about half of my guest list will RSVP no. Since that amounts to 1/5 of the people we've budgeted for, I'd rather have a heads up so we can fill all of the seats with people we love rather than have 20% of the room empty because I was trying to follow etiquette. I see now from the responses here that there isn't any protocol for this situation. I appreciate all of the helpful responses, especially with tips on how to save on the budget.

There is protocol for it, you just don't like what it is.

redoryx

themosthappy91 said:

themosthappy91 said:

KatWAG said:

themosthappy91 said:

KatWAG said:

OP, It seems like you really need to adjust your priorities. You sound really immature to me.

You wont consider budget saving options because they dont fit with your vision.

Your fi cant invite his friends because you want to invite your cousins becasue they make a party fun.

If you arent willing to compromise, we cant help you.

Uh I strongly disagree, I feel like she's handling all of this advice really well and not considering doing anything wrong, either etiquette-wise or in terms of fairness to her SO.  She already stated she's already "allotting" herself well under half the guest list.  She's accounted for the fact her SO has more people close to him and is "giving" him more than half of the total number of guests.  I don't think it's fair for her to have to further cut down inviting people who are obviously important to her just because you think friends her SO sees frequently should trump family relations she doesn't get to be with as often.  

It's very clear that although part of her motivation for inviting them is tit-for-tat (which I don't think we can really judge negatively since we don't know her family dynamics- much easier to simply say "etiquette doesn't require tit-for-tat wedding invitations", the reality of how some families operate is much more complicated), she cares for these people and wants to celebrate with them.  

It just seems to me like you have been commenting on this thread with a chip on your shoulder.  I agree with PPs that the best option for OP is to scale back on the budget for other things (wine and beer only bar, for example) to expand their guest list if possible, but I strongly disagree that the OP comes across as immature or unwilling to compromise.

A chip on my shoulder? Okay, sure. You are entitled to your opinion.

I don't think she is compromising on her guest list at all and her Fi is getting the short end of the stick.  She wants to invite people becasue the make a party fun, which is just silly. Or invite people because she was invited to their weddings. And because of all this, her fi cant invite his friends. That doesnt seem fair to me. It actually seems like she might need to readjust her priorities.

She previously said that she was able to invite all of her friends, so  think its reasonable to make a few compromises so that his friends can also attend.

Lots of budget options have been suggested. Lots. And the OP has not entertained any of them. She has even stated thet dont fit with her vision.

So please, show me examples of compromise.

Didn't she say she's inviting like four or five friends?  So she's inviting her family plus four or five friends, which is still amounting to less than half the total guest list.  How is that unfair?  And how is it unreasonable to want to invite people you have a good time with?  Like I seriously doubt she is inviting them only thinking "Well, they invited me to their wedding and they know how to party... other than that I don't really care for them but still".  I'm sorry but it's not fair to compare someone who is less social and only has a couple good friends to someone outgoing who has tons and say "She gets to invite all her friends, why shouldn't he!?"  

The problem doesn't lie with her inviting her friends, the problem lies with her saying that her gues list (which is mostly family) is more important that FI's part so he needs to make the cuts.  No ones guest list is more important than the other. 

I don't think she said that. How can you make that case when she already is inviting less than half the total number? In a fair world they each get half, plus some allowances for how important it is to each of them to include certain people- since she has stated she's less social it makes sense she has less near and dear people than her FI so he should get more invites on his "side". I just don't know where anyone is getting the impression her cousins should be less important to her than his friends are to him. Y'all are all really lucky if you've never had to live far away from family so you don't get to see them that often. It doesn't mean you love them or value their company any less.

The OP did say that she has the "luxury" of inviting everyone she wants to and it's her FI who has to "hack" at his side of the list to get it under and admitted she's cutting into his option to invite some of his friends. 

lilacck28

plainjane0415 said:

  

The problem doesn't lie with her inviting her friends, the problem lies with her saying that her gues list (which is mostly family) is more important that FI's part so he needs to make the cuts.  No ones guest list is more important than the other. 

But if her FI is already getting more than half the list... why are his friends more important than her family? I agree that OP should probably just do even more budgeting (and maybe rethink brunch ) but... doesn't seem like she's actually putting her side ahead of his.

ETA: Knowing the exact numbers would maybe be helpful, but my impression was ... she gets 40% of the guest list, he gets 60%. He has 30 close friends, but can only invite 15. I don't know why his 15 other friends would trump her 15 cousins if she wants them to be there. Its not his fault he has more friends, and its not her fault she has fewer. If she had 30 close friends, she'd also have to "hack" her list. But just because she has fewer friends than he does doesn't mean she should also have to cut her cousins.

cakemurderer

themosthappy91 said:

I don't think she said that. How can you make that case when she already is inviting less than half the total number? In a fair world they each get half, plus some allowances for how important it is to each of them to include certain people- since she has stated she's less social it makes sense she has less near and dear people than her FI so he should get more invites on his "side". I just don't know where anyone is getting the impression her cousins should be less important to her than his friends are to him. Y'all are all really lucky if you've never had to live far away from family so you don't get to see them that often. It doesn't mean you love them or value their company any less. ETA: in her initial post she does say she prioritizes inviting HER family over HER friends, if that is where that impression is coming from. I think that's fair (in some families it's just the way it is that weddings are seen as a family affair first and foremost), but I did not take that to mean she was applying that to her FI's side of the guest list.

Yup, in my family weddings are family events. I guess I didn't realize until now that not every family operates the same way. I guess that's why the idea of not inviting my entire (small-ish) family doesn't seem like an option to me.

lilacck28 said:

ETA: Knowing the exact numbers would maybe be helpful, but my impression was ... she gets 40% of the guest list, he gets 60%. He has 30 close friends, but can only invite 15. I don't know why his 15 other friends would trump her 15 cousins if she wants them to be there. Its not his fault he has more friends, and its not her fault she has fewer. If she had 30 close friends, she'd also have to "hack" her list. But just because she has fewer friends than he does doesn't mean she should also have to cut her cousins. 

To clarify, I am inviting 30 people and am expecting about half of them to RSVP no due to the distance they have to travel. FI is inviting 50 people but has more friends he'd like to invite if space allows. As I said before, he's much more sociable than I. He's also lived in the same area his whole life, so has friends going back as far as elementary school in addition to those accumulated over the past few decades. The bottom line is we agreed on that split and are both happy with it. He's certainly not expressing any discontent. Isn't that the best any couple can hope for when it comes to working out the guest list?

ETA: Because he has so many friends and a larger family, he's not able to invite all of them, even though he gets 50+ invites. Whereas I have only a small handful of friends, so I can invite them all and still stay well within the 30 invites we've agreed that I get. This is the one and only time that my being an introvert has paid off!

plainjane0415

cakemurderer said:

themosthappy91 said:

I don't think she said that. How can you make that case when she already is inviting less than half the total number? In a fair world they each get half, plus some allowances for how important it is to each of them to include certain people- since she has stated she's less social it makes sense she has less near and dear people than her FI so he should get more invites on his "side". I just don't know where anyone is getting the impression her cousins should be less important to her than his friends are to him. Y'all are all really lucky if you've never had to live far away from family so you don't get to see them that often. It doesn't mean you love them or value their company any less. ETA: in her initial post she does say she prioritizes inviting HER family over HER friends, if that is where that impression is coming from. I think that's fair (in some families it's just the way it is that weddings are seen as a family affair first and foremost), but I did not take that to mean she was applying that to her FI's side of the guest list.

Yup, in my family weddings are family events. I guess I didn't realize until now that not every family operates the same way. I guess that's why the idea of not inviting my entire (small-ish) family doesn't seem like an option to me.

lilacck28 said:

ETA: Knowing the exact numbers would maybe be helpful, but my impression was ... she gets 40% of the guest list, he gets 60%. He has 30 close friends, but can only invite 15. I don't know why his 15 other friends would trump her 15 cousins if she wants them to be there. Its not his fault he has more friends, and its not her fault she has fewer. If she had 30 close friends, she'd also have to "hack" her list. But just because she has fewer friends than he does doesn't mean she should also have to cut her cousins. 

To clarify, I am inviting 30 people and am expecting about half of them to RSVP no due to the distance they have to travel. FI is inviting 50 people but has more friends he'd like to invite if space allows. As I said before, he's much more sociable than I. He's also lived in the same area his whole life, so has friends going back as far as elementary school in addition to those accumulated over the past few decades. The bottom line is we agreed on that split and are both happy with it. He's certainly not expressing any discontent. Isn't that the best any couple can hope for when it comes to working out the guest list?

I really don't know what the bolded has to do with anything.  B Listing is rude, no matter how you cut it.  You need to sit down with your fiance and hash this out.  

Also, if he's not expressing any discontent, what's the problem again?  I'm confused.

cakemurderer

plainjane0415 said:

I really don't know what the bolded has to do with anything.  B Listing is rude, no matter how you cut it.  You need to sit down with your fiance and hash this out.  

Also, if he's not expressing any discontent, what's the problem again?  I'm confused.

Clearly I no longer plan to do anything resembling B listing. I already said that I was hoping there was an appropriate solution for this but it seems there isn't. STDs for family will likely be the route I go.

The problem is that I feel guilty because I strongly suspect approximately 15 people on my list won't attend, which means there are 15 more friends he could have invited instead. If there were a way to predict the number of no RSVPs, even just a rough estimate, he could invite more people.

Maggie0829

cakemurderer said:

plainjane0415 said:

I really don't know what the bolded has to do with anything.  B Listing is rude, no matter how you cut it.  You need to sit down with your fiance and hash this out.  

Also, if he's not expressing any discontent, what's the problem again?  I'm confused.

Clearly I no longer plan to do anything resembling B listing. I already said that I was hoping there was an appropriate solution for this but it seems there isn't. STDs for family will likely be the route I go.

The problem is that I feel guilty because I strongly suspect approximately 15 people on my list won't attend, which means there are 15 more friends he could have invited instead. If there were a way to predict the number of no RSVPs, even just a rough estimate, he could invite more people.

Um you do realize that if you send someone a STD then you still have to send them an invitation, right?

And if weddings are such big family events in your family then why do you think that so many family members will decline?

plainjane0415

cakemurderer said:

plainjane0415 said:

I really don't know what the bolded has to do with anything.  B Listing is rude, no matter how you cut it.  You need to sit down with your fiance and hash this out.  

Also, if he's not expressing any discontent, what's the problem again?  I'm confused.

Clearly I no longer plan to do anything resembling B listing. I already said that I was hoping there was an appropriate solution for this but it seems there isn't. STDs for family will likely be the route I go.

The problem is that I feel guilty because I strongly suspect approximately 15 people on my list won't attend, which means there are 15 more friends he could have invited instead. If there were a way to predict the number of no RSVPs, even just a rough estimate, he could invite more people.

Right, but if you both agreed on a number, and he is fine with it, then I think you're worrying about nothing. 

plainjane0415

Maggie0829 said:

cakemurderer said:

plainjane0415 said:

I really don't know what the bolded has to do with anything.  B Listing is rude, no matter how you cut it.  You need to sit down with your fiance and hash this out.  

Also, if he's not expressing any discontent, what's the problem again?  I'm confused.

Clearly I no longer plan to do anything resembling B listing. I already said that I was hoping there was an appropriate solution for this but it seems there isn't. STDs for family will likely be the route I go.

The problem is that I feel guilty because I strongly suspect approximately 15 people on my list won't attend, which means there are 15 more friends he could have invited instead. If there were a way to predict the number of no RSVPs, even just a rough estimate, he could invite more people.

Um you do realize that if you send someone a STD then you still have to send them an invitation, right?

And if weddings are such big family events in your family then why do you think that so many family members will decline?

This.  I think you may be surprised at how many will come to your wedding.  Especially if weddings are such big family events in your family. 

redoryx

cakemurderer said:

plainjane0415 said:

I really don't know what the bolded has to do with anything.  B Listing is rude, no matter how you cut it.  You need to sit down with your fiance and hash this out.  

Also, if he's not expressing any discontent, what's the problem again?  I'm confused.

Clearly I no longer plan to do anything resembling B listing. I already said that I was hoping there was an appropriate solution for this but it seems there isn't. STDs for family will likely be the route I go.

The problem is that I feel guilty because I strongly suspect approximately 15 people on my list won't attend, which means there are 15 more friends he could have invited instead. If there were a way to predict the number of no RSVPs, even just a rough estimate, he could invite more people.

I'm not sure how you think an STD will solve the issue. If you send an STD to someone you need to send a formal invitation to them as well and you can't count on their not coming until you get that official RSVP back. Even if they verbally tell you no after the STD, things may change between that and sending the invitation (which, again, you have to do if you send them an STD. You can't send one to Aunt Murial, have her say she can't come, and then not send an invitation).

cakemurderer

Maggie0829 said:

Um you do realize that if you send someone a STD then you still have to send them an invitation, right?

And if weddings are such big family events in your family then why do you think that so many family members will decline?

Of course I realize that, but if I send Aunt Sally and Uncle Billy Bob a STD and they tell me before the invitations go out that they don't think they'll be able to attend, I will still send them the invite but operate under the assumption that we have two more spots that can be filled with friends instead. If they change their mind then I can certainly afford two extra plates. The likelihood of 15 of my family members telling me they can't make it and then magically changing their minds seems slim.

I'm not sure everyone will attend because of the distance since I have family scattered all over the country, most an expensive plane ride away. It's also my second wedding, so I worry there won't be the same sense of importance attached to this one. I had a courthouse wedding the first time around so very little family attended then, which I understood because it wasn't much of an event. On top of that, my cousins are all at varying stages of life: some newlyweds, some with large or growing families, some with jobs that don't allow a lot of vacation time, etc. While it's hard to predict exactly which ones will or won't be able to make it, it's safe to assume that many of them won't.

plainjane0415

cakemurderer said:

Maggie0829 said:

Um you do realize that if you send someone a STD then you still have to send them an invitation, right?

And if weddings are such big family events in your family then why do you think that so many family members will decline?

Of course I realize that, but if I send Aunt Sally and Uncle Billy Bob a STD and they tell me before the invitations go out that they don't think they'll be able to attend, I will still send them the invite but operate under the assumption that we have two more spots that can be filled with friends instead. If they change their mind then I can certainly afford two extra plates. The likelihood of 15 of my family members telling me they can't make it and then magically changing their minds seems slim.

I'm not sure everyone will attend because of the distance since I have family scattered all over the country, most an expensive plane ride away. It's also my second wedding, so I worry there won't be the same sense of importance attached to this one. I had a courthouse wedding the first time around so very little family attended then, which I understood because it wasn't much of an event. On top of that, my cousins are all at varying stages of life: some newlyweds, some with large or growing families, some with jobs that don't allow a lot of vacation time, etc. While it's hard to predict exactly which ones will or won't be able to make it, it's safe to assume that many of them won't.

You really shouldn't operate under that assumption.  It wouldn't be good if they showed up and you didn't have enough food for them or seats.  I'm not saying that you will, but please don't think about doing that.  You're asking for trouble in that case. 

Maggie0829

cakemurderer said:

Maggie0829 said:

Um you do realize that if you send someone a STD then you still have to send them an invitation, right?

And if weddings are such big family events in your family then why do you think that so many family members will decline?

Of course I realize that, but if I send Aunt Sally and Uncle Billy Bob a STD and they tell me before the invitations go out that they don't think they'll be able to attend, I will still send them the invite but operate under the assumption that we have two more spots that can be filled with friends instead. If they change their mind then I can certainly afford two extra plates. The likelihood of 15 of my family members telling me they can't make it and then magically changing their minds seems slim.

I'm not sure everyone will attend because of the distance since I have family scattered all over the country, most an expensive plane ride away. It's also my second wedding, so I worry there won't be the same sense of importance attached to this one. I had a courthouse wedding the first time around so very little family attended then, which I understood because it wasn't much of an event. On top of that, my cousins are all at varying stages of life: some newlyweds, some with large or growing families, some with jobs that don't allow a lot of vacation time, etc. While it's hard to predict exactly which ones will or won't be able to make it, it's safe to assume that many of them won't.

You are working under a lot of assumptions which is just a bad idea.

What if your Aunt and Uncle say no when they get the STD but then change their minds and RSVP yest to your wedding?  Now not only is your Aunt and Uncle coming but so is the extra two people you invited because you assumed wrong.  This is a great way for your guest list to get out of control, thus your budget going up, up and up.

And sorry to say, but no one here was able to predict who can and cannot make their wedding. We all just made a guest list with the people that we wanted at our wedding within a number that we could host properly and just hoped that the majority could make it.  Unless you have a crystal ball or are a legitimate psychic there is just no way of knowing who can and cannot come without coming across super pushy to your family members.

themosthappy91

cakemurderer said:

Maggie0829 said:

Um you do realize that if you send someone a STD then you still have to send them an invitation, right?

And if weddings are such big family events in your family then why do you think that so many family members will decline?

Of course I realize that, but if I send Aunt Sally and Uncle Billy Bob a STD and they tell me before the invitations go out that they don't think they'll be able to attend, I will still send them the invite but operate under the assumption that we have two more spots that can be filled with friends instead. If they change their mind then I can certainly afford two extra plates. The likelihood of 15 of my family members telling me they can't make it and then magically changing their minds seems slim.

I'm not sure everyone will attend because of the distance since I have family scattered all over the country, most an expensive plane ride away. It's also my second wedding, so I worry there won't be the same sense of importance attached to this one. I had a courthouse wedding the first time around so very little family attended then, which I understood because it wasn't much of an event. On top of that, my cousins are all at varying stages of life: some newlyweds, some with large or growing families, some with jobs that don't allow a lot of vacation time, etc. While it's hard to predict exactly which ones will or won't be able to make it, it's safe to assume that many of them won't.

I think this is a reasonable approach up to a point- like if a few people say definitively they can't make it for a concrete reason upon receiving the STDs I might feel comfortable extending an invite to a couple extra people if I knew that, though that would make my budget tighter if they all ended up coming, it would not actually break the bank.  The point is you have to be financially prepared for the possibility that things will change and those family members will end up being able to come, and then you have more people than you bargained for.  So if your budget has some wiggle room, maybe getting verbal feedback on the STDs will work to give you a better impression of what kind of attendance numbers you're looking at- but to be honest I wouldn't plan on it.  It kind of stinks that it has to be that way, but there's no way around it and everyone deals with it to some degree.  That's why I agree with a lot of people here that it's better to make the vision work for the number of people you want to have there than the other way around.  It just depends on how committed you are to different aspects of the day you have planned, and the give-and-take between those factors.       

novella1186

OP, the more you post the more I feel like all you were really looking for was some acceptable way to B-list, since you've argued against every single suggestion you've gotten.

Either switch up your budget to accommodate more people, or keep things the way they are and stop worrying about the friends who won't get invited.

We have the budget and the space to accommodate 180 people. We invited 180 people. I WANTED around 120 people just because I wanted a smaller, more intimate wedding, but after several rounds of trimming the guest list, we ended up with 180, so ok. We were fine with that number. 100% of our guests are out of town and some of them will be coming from as far away as Japan, so I do expect a lot of declines. But, I am prepared for 100% attendance. Actually, we have the budget and space for MORE than 100% attendance in the event that some people start relationships between now and then. So there ya go.

lovesclimbing

themosthappy91 said: cakemurderer said: Maggie0829 said:Um you do realize that if you send someone a STD then you still have to send them an invitation, right?
And if weddings are such big family events in your family then why do you think that so many family members will decline? Of course I realize that, but if I send Aunt Sally and Uncle Billy Bob a STD and they tell me before the invitations go out that they don't think they'll be able to attend, I will still send them the invite but operate under the assumption that we have two more spots that can be filled with friends instead. If they change their mind then I can certainly afford two extra plates. The likelihood of 15 of my family members telling me they can't make it and then magically changing their minds seems slim.

I'm not sure everyone will attend because of the distance since I have family scattered all over the country, most an expensive plane ride away. It's also my second wedding, so I worry there won't be the same sense of importance attached to this one. I had a courthouse wedding the first time around so very little family attended then, which I understood because it wasn't much of an event. On top of that, my cousins are all at varying stages of life: some newlyweds, some with large or growing families, some with jobs that don't allow a lot of vacation time, etc. While it's hard to predict exactly which ones will or won't be able to make it, it's safe to assume that many of them won't.
I think this is a reasonable approach up to a point- like if a few people say definitively they can't make it for a concrete reason upon receiving the STDs I might feel comfortable extending an invite to a couple extra people if I knew that, though that would make my budget tighter if they all ended up coming, it would not actually break the bank.  The point is you have to be financially prepared for the possibility that things will change and those family members will end up being able to come, and then you have more people than you bargained for.  So if your budget has some wiggle room, maybe getting verbal feedback on the STDs will work to give you a better impression of what kind of attendance numbers you're looking at- but to be honest I wouldn't plan on it.  It kind of stinks that it has to be that way, but there's no way around it and everyone deals with it to some degree.  That's why I agree with a lot of people here that it's better to make the vision work for the number of people you want to have there than the other way around.  It just depends on how committed you are to different aspects of the day you have planned, and the give-and-take between those factors.       

-----------------------Stupid boxes! and I'm not even on mobile!--------------------

The bolded is true.  I am one of those people with an unpopular opinion that, yes, you can know with 100 percent certainty that some people won't come to your wedding.

I just looked through my wedding guest list. After we had the 340-person list, H and I and both of our mothers went through it and marked every person/family with a yes, no or maybe.  Guess what?  Every single person that we marked would definitely not be coming didn't come. 

Let me be clear, I most definitely do not think it is a good idea to pick an arbitrary number off the internet like 20 percent or 30 percent and invite 20 or 30 percent more because the internet says that many will decline.  However, I do think you can go through your list if you know there are certain people who won't come and invite a few more. 

H's grandparents who haven't come to Alaska in years who aren't in the best health, and the grandmother can't see super well, and they said they wouldn't be able to travel 3/4 of the way across the country to our wedding?

My cousin's family who lives half way across the country who visit this side of the family once every 2-3 years and just made a trip the fall before our winter wedding?

The couple who told me they would be in Hawaii (and already had everything booked) during our wedding?

The great aunt and uncle who literally haven't left the state they live in (which is half way across the country) in more than two decades?

People who my parents wanted to invite who I'm not that close with who really have no reason whatsoever to come to our wedding?

Yes, I think I can know with certainty that those people wouldn't be coming.  And they didn't.

cakemurderer

lovesclimbing said:

The bolded is true.  I am one of those people with an unpopular opinion that, yes, you can know with 100 percent certainty that some people won't come to your wedding.

I just looked through my wedding guest list. After we had the 340-person list, H and I and both of our mothers went through it and marked every person/family with a yes, no or maybe.  Guess what?  Every single person that we marked would definitely not be coming didn't come. 

Let me be clear, I most definitely do not think it is a good idea to pick an arbitrary number off the internet like 20 percent or 30 percent and invite 20 or 30 percent more because the internet says that many will decline.  However, I do think you can go through your list if you know there are certain people who won't come and invite a few more. 

H's grandparents who haven't come to Alaska in years who aren't in the best health, and the grandmother can't see super well, and they said they wouldn't be able to travel 3/4 of the way across the country to our wedding?

My cousin's family who lives half way across the country who visit this side of the family once every 2-3 years and just made a trip the fall before our winter wedding?

The couple who told me they would be in Hawaii (and already had everything booked) during our wedding?

The great aunt and uncle who literally haven't left the state they live in (which is half way across the country) in more than two decades?

People who my parents wanted to invite who I'm not that close with who really have no reason whatsoever to come to our wedding?

Yes, I think I can know with certainty that those people wouldn't be coming.  And they didn't.

Exactly. This is the sort of feedback I'd be looking for from family when I send STDs. It might not even be as precise as you experienced, but if someone's got a vacation or a conference or a child's event scheduled already I would pencil them in as a "no" until I get a firm RSVP. I know it wouldn't be an exact science, but a few extra unexpected plates wouldn't break my budget at the end.

For example, I already know that certain family friends simply don't attend weddings, so while I want to invite them and would love to have them there, I'm already counting on four "no" RSVPs there. Honestly, my budget's not so firm that I can't accommodate a handful of extra guests above our planned number. I won't go broke and wind up in the workhouse or anything.

Again, thanks for the helpful feedback, everyone. I had my answer early on, that there isn't any polite way to invite family first, so I appreciate the other suggestions you all had for me.

lnixon8

My parents are paying for a majority of my wedding. My Mom felt she "had" to invite her cousins  (who live far away, we rarely see and are bitches to my Mamam) but didn't actually feel like them coming so we decided specifically not to do STDs, becasue frankly...we don't want them to save the date.

 Keep in mind that if you send stds more of your family will come (less of his friends) and they do not have to tell you yes or no when they recieve it.