B List is Bad

photokitty

I think you and FI need to get part time jobs, increase your budget and just invite everyone you want to be there.

The speculating on your guest list is bound to backfire one way or another. Going into debt or being poor hosts bc you didn't address the issue head on is a silly plan.

cakemurderer

photokitty said:

I think you and FI need to get part time jobs, increase your budget and just invite everyone you want to be there. The speculating on your guest list is bound to backfire one way or another. Going into debt or being poor hosts bc you didn't address the issue head on is a silly plan.

The point is we're not going to go into debt. We have plenty in savings, but that's more of a rainy day fund that I'd rather not tap into for a wedding. I'm not dumb enough to put myself in a precarious financial situation by making assumptions. I'm already budgeting more than I ever thought I would on a one-day event, so I'd prefer to keep things in check.

plainjane0415

cakemurderer said:

photokitty said:

I think you and FI need to get part time jobs, increase your budget and just invite everyone you want to be there. The speculating on your guest list is bound to backfire one way or another. Going into debt or being poor hosts bc you didn't address the issue head on is a silly plan.

The point is we're not going to go into debt. We have plenty in savings, but that's more of a rainy day fund that I'd rather not tap into for a wedding. I'm not dumb enough to put myself in a precarious financial situation by making assumptions. I'm already budgeting more than I ever thought I would on a one-day event, so I'd prefer to keep things in check.

You're contradicting everything you have said in previous posts.  You want to make assumptions on the guest list, but now you say you aren't going to make assumptions.  Which is it?

cakemurderer

plainjane0415 said:

cakemurderer said:

The point is we're not going to go into debt. We have plenty in savings, but that's more of a rainy day fund that I'd rather not tap into for a wedding. I'm not dumb enough to put myself in a precarious financial situation by making assumptions. I'm already budgeting more than I ever thought I would on a one-day event, so I'd prefer to keep things in check.

You're contradicting everything you have said in previous posts.  You want to make assumptions on the guest list, but now you say you aren't going to make assumptions.  Which is it?

No, what I said was that if I do make assumptions, it's not going to put us into a precarious financial situation. I do plan to make some assumptions as to head count, but I'm hoping that with help from things like STDs I'll be able to feel out the situation and get a vague idea about who might not be able to attend.

charcoalandblush

lovesclimbing said:

The bolded is true.  I am one of those people with an unpopular opinion that, yes, you can know with 100 percent certainty that some people won't come to your wedding.

I just looked through my wedding guest list. After we had the 340-person list, H and I and both of our mothers went through it and marked every person/family with a yes, no or maybe.  Guess what?  Every single person that we marked would definitely not be coming didn't come. 

Let me be clear, I most definitely do not think it is a good idea to pick an arbitrary number off the internet like 20 percent or 30 percent and invite 20 or 30 percent more because the internet says that many will decline.  However, I do think you can go through your list if you know there are certain people who won't come and invite a few more. 

H's grandparents who haven't come to Alaska in years who aren't in the best health, and the grandmother can't see super well, and they said they wouldn't be able to travel 3/4 of the way across the country to our wedding?

My cousin's family who lives half way across the country who visit this side of the family once every 2-3 years and just made a trip the fall before our winter wedding?

The couple who told me they would be in Hawaii (and already had everything booked) during our wedding?

The great aunt and uncle who literally haven't left the state they live in (which is half way across the country) in more than two decades?

People who my parents wanted to invite who I'm not that close with who really have no reason whatsoever to come to our wedding?

Yes, I think I can know with certainty that those people wouldn't be coming.  And they didn't.

I am also one of these people. No one in my mom's family, with the exception of one cousin, has ever been on an airplane. None of them. Many of them have never left the state (actually, I don't know that they've even been any farther than the bordering states). Even if they were willing, most of them are not in a financial position to pay for a $400 flight (average of what I pay to fly home roundtrip) and $200+ for lodging. On top of that, several of them are in poor health and can't travel. I know that they will not be coming to our wedding. I love them and wish they could be there, and I'm sending each of them an invitation, but I know they won't. As much as I would love to have them, planning a wedding in my home state would have been extremely impractical, substantially more expensive, and would have the same effect on DF's family.

Budgeting for 240 would not make any sense for me, because I know it's less than 200. So we got a venue that accommodates up to 200. Honestly, we're suspecting it will be closer to 180 based on some of DF's family, but we're ready and able to host up to 200. I know a lot of people on the boards will judge me for that. But I do know my family well enough to know that that's the case.

fitvegan

Honestly, I don't think its rude at all. I would send your invites out a little earlier than usual and then make a cut off date to send out B-Listers at 6-8wks so it's not quite so obvious. Plenty of people send them out that late. I just wouldn't send them out less than 5 or weeks. Then its obvious they were a last thought. Weddings are expensive and (a lot of) people understand that. I've been given a B-List invite and I was just glad to be invited. People need to chill out.

Cookie Pusher

slm86 said:

Honestly, I don't think its rude at all. I would send your invites out a little earlier than usual and then make a cut off date to send out B-Listers at 6-8wks so it's not quite so obvious. Plenty of people send them out that late. I just wouldn't send them out less than 5 or weeks. Then its obvious they were a last thought. Weddings are expensive and (a lot of) people understand that. I've been given a B-List invite and I was just glad to be invited. People need to chill out.

DH and I were just B-listed for a wedding, and let me tell you, it stings. These are close friends of ours and it hurts that we're only being invited to their wedding because people they invited the first time around declined.

aliciag2015

I personally have no idea why a B list is such a terrible, awful idea.  The idea itself is espoused in a very traditional wedding planning book my FMIL got for me.  I am doing 2 invite lists, those that I absolutely want to come, according to our budget, and those that I will invite when the declines come in.  I want those people there too,and I know with our out of town wedding there will be more that a couple declines.  I'm sorry, but my boss does not make my A list over my grandmother.  If she's unable to come, my boss will be invited. 

I don't understand the prioritizing of "tact" over practicality.  

flantastic

aliciag2015 said:

I personally have no idea why a B list is such a terrible, awful idea.  The idea itself is espoused in a very traditional wedding planning book my FMIL got for me.  I am doing 2 invite lists, those that I absolutely want to come, according to our budget, and those that I will invite when the declines come in.  I want those people there too,and I know with our out of town wedding there will be more that a couple declines.  I'm sorry, but my boss does not make my A list over my grandmother.  If she's unable to come, my boss will be invited. 

I don't understand the prioritizing of "tact" over practicality.  

Because "tact" is how you don't ruin your relationship with your boss and future professional prospects?

Your boss will understand not being invited. What he/she won't understand is being told, "Well, since the more important people said no, you may have the honor of coming and giving us a gift."

levioosa

aliciag2015 said:

I personally have no idea why a B list is such a terrible, awful idea.  The idea itself is espoused in a very traditional wedding planning book my FMIL got for me.  I am doing 2 invite lists, those that I absolutely want to come, according to our budget, and those that I will invite when the declines come in.  I want those people there too,and I know with our out of town wedding there will be more that a couple declines.  I'm sorry, but my boss does not make my A list over my grandmother.  If she's unable to come, my boss will be invited. 

I don't understand the prioritizing of "tact" over practicality.  

Um, the "A" and "B" list was probably meant to help you prioritize your VIPs from the "would like to have" guests, not to actually physically B-list them. 

If you want to damage your professional and personal relationships, then by all means, B-list.  Your friends will love to find out they're second rate.  (P.S.  They WILL find out.  It's pretty stinking obvious). 

Cookie Pusher

aliciag2015 said:

I personally have no idea why a B list is such a terrible, awful idea.  The idea itself is espoused in a very traditional wedding planning book my FMIL got for me.  I am doing 2 invite lists, those that I absolutely want to come, according to our budget, and those that I will invite when the declines come in.  I want those people there too,and I know with our out of town wedding there will be more that a couple declines.  I'm sorry, but my boss does not make my A list over my grandmother.  If she's unable to come, my boss will be invited. 

I don't understand the prioritizing of "tact" over practicality.  

Because if you wanted me to be at your wedding, you would have invited me in the first place, not because someone you wanted here MORE couldn't come. 

ohannabelle

aliciag2015 said:

I personally have no idea why a B list is such a terrible, awful idea.  The idea itself is espoused in a very traditional wedding planning book my FMIL got for me.  I am doing 2 invite lists, those that I absolutely want to come, according to our budget, and those that I will invite when the declines come in.  I want those people there too,and I know with our out of town wedding there will be more that a couple declines.  I'm sorry, but my boss does not make my A list over my grandmother.  If she's unable to come, my boss will be invited. 

I don't understand the prioritizing of "tact" over practicality.  

Nope. It's prioritizing people and their feelings over the need to have as big an audience as possible.

If it was about practicality, then yay. The smaller guest list means lower costs. That's practical. Not filling empty places with 2nd string substitutes.