Need support please!

Denise40

I don't know everyone here personally, just through these messages. I need help from ya'll.  I just found out from an anonymous source, then confirmed with another source that my 25 y/o daughter is 8 weeks pregnant and that she had an ultrasound done yesterday and is planning on an abortion tomorrow.  Now I haven't heard this from her.  I spoke to my ex-husband and he said that it's her choice and that we can't do anything about it.  I can't stop crying.  This is my first grandchild I'm talking about.

She's not married but has been with this guy for over a year.  He has 5 kids from previous relationships, which he takes care of.  3 of his older ones live with my daughter and her boyfriend and they range in age from 14-16.  He has 2 younger ones, 5 & 7 that he sees every other week.

I don't know what to do???  I'm crying inside and out.  Ex said to leave it alone and not talk to her about it.  I just don't understand why she hasn't told us or at least her dad because they are closer than we are or to my ex's girlfriend.  I'm scared for her.  She's going to regret her decision to end this pregnancy.  She's always wanted to be a mom.  I lost my first child when he's was 1 due to a car accident that I was in.  I still think about him today and it's been 30 years ago. 

What can I do??

Thanks for listening.

flantastic

Call her and tell her you love her, and if she ever needs help with anything, you're there for her. It may be what she needs to hear. If it isn't what she needs to hear, you're probably not going to get any further by saying anything else.

I'll pray for both of you.

Couggal12

I agree with @flantastic. She's probably going through so many emotions right now and needs support. Please call your daughter and tell her you love her and you will be there for her. 

blabla89

Wow, that is a really difficult situation. Maybe you could reach out to her to say, very gently and non-judgmentally, I heard about the situation and I just want you to know that I love you and I'm here to support you. She may open up about it if she isn't worried that you're going to be angry with her.

Sending you lots of hugs, thoughts and prayers!

Denise40

She's supposed to call me when she gets off of work.  Should I tell her that I know or just carry on like nothing is going on??  I'm afraid of pushing her away.  Thanks for the support.  It means a lot

ashley8918

Denise40 said:

I don't know everyone here personally, just through these messages. I need help from ya'll.  I just found out from an anonymous source, then confirmed with another source that my 25 y/o daughter is 8 weeks pregnant and that she had an ultrasound done yesterday and is planning on an abortion tomorrow.  Now I haven't heard this from her.  I spoke to my ex-husband and he said that it's her choice and that we can't do anything about it.  I can't stop crying.  This is my first grandchild I'm talking about.

She's not married but has been with this guy for over a year.  He has 5 kids from previous relationships, which he takes care of.  3 of his older ones live with my daughter and her boyfriend and they range in age from 14-16.  He has 2 younger ones, 5 & 7 that he sees every other week.

I don't know what to do???  I'm crying inside and out.  Ex said to leave it alone and not talk to her about it.  I just don't understand why she hasn't told us or at least her dad because they are closer than we are or to my ex's girlfriend.  I'm scared for her.  She's going to regret her decision to end this pregnancy.  She's always wanted to be a mom.  I lost my first child when he's was 1 due to a car accident that I was in.  I still think about him today and it's been 30 years ago. 

What can I do??

Thanks for listening.

You can't do anything, nor should you. This is 100% not your business, and whoever told you behind her back should be absolutely ashamed of themselves. This is her choice, not yours. Not even a little bit. And it's HER, and only her, decision to tell anyone.

I suspect she didn't tell you because she thought you would be judgmental about it, and try to talk/guilt her out of it. I don't blame her.

As far as her regretting it, you don't know that. I am a mother. I wanted to be a mother. But do I, for one single second, regret having an abortion when I wasn't ready to be a mother yet? Absolutely not. If she made this choice, and it is right for her, I sincerely doubt that she will truly regret it.

redwoodoriginal

You have no idea she's going to regret her decision. I would not reach out to her unless you are prepared to actually support her and her decision. this is not about you. this is about her and her BF's decision and their decision alone.

However, I'm sorry you are upset. Maybe there is someone you can talk to confidentially about it? 

ashley8918

blabla89 said:

Wow, that is a really difficult situation. Maybe you could reach out to her to say, very gently and non-judgmentally, I heard about the situation and I just want you to know that I love you and I'm here to support you. She may open up about it if she isn't worried that you're going to be angry with her.

Sending you lots of hugs, thoughts and prayers!

I wouldn't do this. Someone obviously broke her confidence by telling this information. If it were me, I would be upset and DEFINITELY not want to talk if she did this. 

If she want to tell you, she will. Otherwise, butt out.

blabla89

Denise40 said:

She's supposed to call me when she gets off of work.  Should I tell her that I know or just carry on like nothing is going on??  I'm afraid of pushing her away.  Thanks for the support.  It means a lot

I don't know if there's a right answer in this situation. I wouldn't open the conversation by saying that you know. Just tell her you love her, and if she ever needs anything you are always there to support her. At that point she'll probably know that you know.

Denise40

ashley8918 said:

Denise40 said:

I don't know everyone here personally, just through these messages. I need help from ya'll.  I just found out from an anonymous source, then confirmed with another source that my 25 y/o daughter is 8 weeks pregnant and that she had an ultrasound done yesterday and is planning on an abortion tomorrow.  Now I haven't heard this from her.  I spoke to my ex-husband and he said that it's her choice and that we can't do anything about it.  I can't stop crying.  This is my first grandchild I'm talking about.

She's not married but has been with this guy for over a year.  He has 5 kids from previous relationships, which he takes care of.  3 of his older ones live with my daughter and her boyfriend and they range in age from 14-16.  He has 2 younger ones, 5 & 7 that he sees every other week.

I don't know what to do???  I'm crying inside and out.  Ex said to leave it alone and not talk to her about it.  I just don't understand why she hasn't told us or at least her dad because they are closer than we are or to my ex's girlfriend.  I'm scared for her.  She's going to regret her decision to end this pregnancy.  She's always wanted to be a mom.  I lost my first child when he's was 1 due to a car accident that I was in.  I still think about him today and it's been 30 years ago. 

What can I do??

Thanks for listening.

You can't do anything, nor should you. This is 100% not your business, and whoever told you behind her back should be absolutely ashamed of themselves. This is her choice, not yours. Not even a little bit. And it's HER, and only her, decision to tell anyone.

I suspect she didn't tell you because she thought you would be judgmental about it, and try to talk/guilt her out of it. I don't blame her.

As far as her regretting it, you don't know that. I am a mother. I wanted to be a mother. But do I, for one single second, regret having an abortion when I wasn't ready to be a mother yet? Absolutely not. If she made this choice, and it is right for her, I sincerely doubt that she will truly regret it.

You are absolutely correct.  I know I can't do anything about it.  I don't want to push her away and that's exactly what I would do.  It's hard not saying anything.  I just don't want her to go through this alone.  I know my daughter and she will be depressed, and I as a mother, can't do a damn thing about it.

Denise40

redwoodoriginal said:

You have no idea she's going to regret her decision. I would not reach out to her unless you are prepared to actually support her and her decision. this is not about you. this is about her and her BF's decision and their decision alone.

However, I'm sorry you are upset. Maybe there is someone you can talk to confidentially about it? 

I understand it's not about me.  It's her ultimate choice that she will be making. I could not support her, you are right, but I will have to.  The choice is out of my control.  On the other hand, I do know my daughter and how much she wants to have a baby and I'm afraid for her on how she will handle this emotionally when it's all said and done.

ashley8918

Denise40 said:

ashley8918 said:

Denise40 said:

I don't know everyone here personally, just through these messages. I need help from ya'll.  I just found out from an anonymous source, then confirmed with another source that my 25 y/o daughter is 8 weeks pregnant and that she had an ultrasound done yesterday and is planning on an abortion tomorrow.  Now I haven't heard this from her.  I spoke to my ex-husband and he said that it's her choice and that we can't do anything about it.  I can't stop crying.  This is my first grandchild I'm talking about.

She's not married but has been with this guy for over a year.  He has 5 kids from previous relationships, which he takes care of.  3 of his older ones live with my daughter and her boyfriend and they range in age from 14-16.  He has 2 younger ones, 5 & 7 that he sees every other week.

I don't know what to do???  I'm crying inside and out.  Ex said to leave it alone and not talk to her about it.  I just don't understand why she hasn't told us or at least her dad because they are closer than we are or to my ex's girlfriend.  I'm scared for her.  She's going to regret her decision to end this pregnancy.  She's always wanted to be a mom.  I lost my first child when he's was 1 due to a car accident that I was in.  I still think about him today and it's been 30 years ago. 

What can I do??

Thanks for listening.

You can't do anything, nor should you. This is 100% not your business, and whoever told you behind her back should be absolutely ashamed of themselves. This is her choice, not yours. Not even a little bit. And it's HER, and only her, decision to tell anyone.

I suspect she didn't tell you because she thought you would be judgmental about it, and try to talk/guilt her out of it. I don't blame her.

As far as her regretting it, you don't know that. I am a mother. I wanted to be a mother. But do I, for one single second, regret having an abortion when I wasn't ready to be a mother yet? Absolutely not. If she made this choice, and it is right for her, I sincerely doubt that she will truly regret it.

You are absolutely correct.  I know I can't do anything about it.  I don't want to push her away and that's exactly what I would do.  It's hard not saying anything.  I just don't want her to go through this alone.  I know my daughter and she will be depressed, and I as a mother, can't do a damn thing about it.

But you don't know this, because you are not her. You're not inside her head. 

And regarding "going through this alone". She isn't. She obviously told someone. Granted that someone is a horrible excuse for a friend who betrayed her trust and went telling people. But that's besides the point. Everyone who she want to know, knows.

[Deleted User]

Denise40 said:

I don't know everyone here personally, just through these messages. I need help from ya'll.  I just found out from an anonymous source, then confirmed with another source that my 25 y/o daughter is 8 weeks pregnant and that she had an ultrasound done yesterday and is planning on an abortion tomorrow.  Now I haven't heard this from her.  I spoke to my ex-husband and he said that it's her choice and that we can't do anything about it.  I can't stop crying.  This is my first grandchild I'm talking about.

She's not married but has been with this guy for over a year.  He has 5 kids from previous relationships, which he takes care of.  3 of his older ones live with my daughter and her boyfriend and they range in age from 14-16.  He has 2 younger ones, 5 & 7 that he sees every other week.

I don't know what to do???  I'm crying inside and out.  Ex said to leave it alone and not talk to her about it.  I just don't understand why she hasn't told us or at least her dad because they are closer than we are or to my ex's girlfriend.  I'm scared for her.  She's going to regret her decision to end this pregnancy.  She's always wanted to be a mom.  I lost my first child when he's was 1 due to a car accident that I was in.  I still think about him today and it's been 30 years ago. 

What can I do??

Thanks for listening.

Even if she's always wanted to be a mom, don't assume she'll regret terminating if she in fact does do it. You can't decide / choose / know what others will regret.

Stay out of it if you can, she's grown. If you must approach her only offer to listen if she needs to talk. Do not give advice or an opinion unless she asks specifically for either.

JCbride2015

This is absolutely your daughter's decision and she has every right to make it privately.  I get that you're said, and maybe you should find something like a therapist to talk to about that.  But please don't mention it to anybody else who might continue talking about it behind your daughter's back.

That said, it would be disingenuous to pretend to your daughter like you don't know.  As Flan said, just call her, tell her you're aware of the situation, and you love her.  But he ready to really support her.

pinkcow13

I understand why you are upset. This is your daughter, after all. But a couple of things here.

 - You don't know that this is true. I don't know why someone would start a rumor like this, but at this point, this is something that you did not hear from your daughter directly. If it is true, though, it's pretty messed up that 2 sources betrayed your daughters trust.

- If it is true, It is her decision. She did not tell you for whatever reason, and that is okay. All you can do is be there for her whether or not she decides to tell you about this. Do not bring it up unless she does. And if she does, it sounds as if you will be there to support her. You don't know that she will regret this decision, only she knows that.

I'm sorry that you're upset, as her mother this is definitely tough.

holyguacamole79

Denise40 said:

She's supposed to call me when she gets off of work.  Should I tell her that I know or just carry on like nothing is going on??  I'm afraid of pushing her away.  Thanks for the support.  It means a lot

I would tell her and offer to take her out for a cup of tea tonight to just listen to her.  I'm praying for you, your daughter, and your grandchild.

charcoalandblush

flantastic said:

Call her and tell her you love her, and if she ever needs help with anything, you're there for her. It may be what she needs to hear. If it isn't what she needs to hear, you're probably not going to get any further by saying anything else.

I'll pray for both of you.

I agree with this.

I can't imagine how difficult this is for you to think about, but truly your daughter is an adult and it is her choice. You don't necessarily know why she's making the decision that she is, or that she'll "regret her decision." You just need to trust that you raised her to be a smart woman who knows how to make the decisions she needs to make for her own life and ask for help when she needs it.

Denise40

Thanks everyone for all of your insight and support. It means the world to me. The person that told me is the husband to her best friend. He said not to tell her that it came from him because it would just cause more problems. He basically is telling me because years ago his girlfriend at the time got pregnant and had an abortion without telling him.

JCbride2015

Denise40 said:

Thanks everyone for all of your insight and support. It means the world to me. The person that told me is the husband to her best friend. He said not to tell her that it came from him because it would just cause more problems. He basically is telling me because years ago his girlfriend at the time got pregnant and had an abortion without telling him.

Wow. Your daughter's best friend told her H, who told you? What a terrible, terrible breach of trust. I am so sorry that happened to your daughter.

I'm not sure what the bolded has to do with anything.

Blergbot

I am 7 months pregnant with my parent's first grandbaby, and when my mom was here visiting over the holidays she let slip (after years of harboring this secret, so I give her some slack on that one), that when my brother and his ex-wife were first married (they were only 23, so young...but not crazy young), my exSIL confided to my mom that she was pregnant and didn't know what to do. My mom knew right away that, while she could offer support, there was no way she should try to influence her decision. My mom just told her and my brother that, no matter what, she would be there for them--without going into specifics. My exSIL chose to terminate, and my mom was really sad about it, but there was nothing she could/should do. Years later she mentioned something about it to my brother, who acted like he had no idea what she was talking about. Now she fears that my exSIL did not tell my brother. Still, she's not about to bring it up 15 years later and cause drama. Does my mom feel sad about it from time to time? Yes. But it certainly hasn't ruined her life. As pps have said, just be there for her, let her know you support her and will continue to do so no matter what. Please see a counselor to work through your feelings if you feel like you can't move on (very sorry for the loss of your baby).

thisismynickname2

I'm just going to say that a close friend of mine had an abortion at age 30.  It was very difficult for her, but it was the right choice for her. She talks about it to quite a few people as a way to deal with it. 

The best thing that could have happened was that her mother supported her. In fact, as they live a few states apart, the mother immediately hopped plane and stayed with her for a week.  

I'm just pointing this out to support what others have said that your unconditional love is surely what she needs right now. (I'm not saying hop a plane, just pointing out to "be there" for her in some way.)

Take care...

bethsmiles

Denise40 said:

Thanks everyone for all of your insight and support. It means the world to me. The person that told me is the husband to her best friend. He said not to tell her that it came from him because it would just cause more problems. He basically is telling me because years ago his girlfriend at the time got pregnant and had an abortion without telling him.

This is entirely irrelevant.

Your daughter's best friend shouldn't have told anyone and IMO that includes her husband. I tell SO almost everything but something this personal about my best friend absolutely falls into the .1% of times I don't tell him.

I don't think you should pretend that you don't know the situation. Honestly, I think the best thing you can do is listen to her. Don't try to tell her how you think she should feel or will feel afterwards. You can never truly, 100% know a person. Your daughter is the only one who can make this decision and you need to let her do that without any judgment from you. 

holyguacamole79

I get the feeling that the guy who told Denise is experiencing some sense of remorse regarding his child, and I assume that this guy doesn't want Denise to have similar remorse. That is just a guess. I'm not saying his telling Denise is wright or wrong, but I see why he was motivated to do It.

STARMOON44

This isn't your first grandchild. If you're going to carry on like your first grandchild died because your 25 year old daughter who is already taking care of 3 of her boyfriends children because he seemingly cannot grasp how condoms work decided to have an abortion at 8 weeks, I think it's pretty obvious why she didn't tell you.

She is an adult. Trust that if she wants your help, comfort, or involvement she will ask.

And check your own arrogance- there's no way you can be so certain she'll regret this. Sure, she might. But lots of women don't regret abortions at all. And others regret they were in a position to make that choice and still wouldn't change anything.

bride2b71614

Why should he make it her business though? I feel so sorry for her, because the only people that the daughter turned to have betrayed her confidence.

If OPs daughter wanted to tell her mom, she would've done so. I am also wondering if your ex already knew about her intentions before you spoke with him? If not youve just looped someone else into the equasion who wasn't supposed to know.

The only thing you can do now is be there if she chooses to come to you, and to listen without judgment.

JennyColada

I got pregnant when I was 18 and at 19 I had an abortion.

To this day (I'm 31) I haven't told my mother.

I would have been MORTIFIED if my mother were to say anything to me, even in a supportive capacity. I'd feel like my privacy was totally infringed upon and it would actually probably deminish a lot of trust that we have.

If she doesn't want to talk to you about it then you have to respect her privacy. You also have to trust that you raised a healthy, smart, and independent woman who can make her own choices and live her own life how she wants to and that she will make the right choices for her.

If now isn't the right time for her to have a baby then there's absolutely nothing for her to regret. Not a day in my life did I ever regret having an abortion. In fact, I'm THANKFUL that I got to make that decision in private and on my own (well, it would have been better had my boyfriend been more supportive, but that's neither here nor there). Having a baby when I'm ready and secure doing so is the best choice that I could have ever made for myself (and for my future-husband and any furture-children). Having a mother that was adamant that I'd regret my decision would make me regret turning to my mother, not the decision. Losing a child by a choice other than your own is totally different from making the active choice to terminate a pregnancy. Your regrets are not her regrets. Your choices are not her choices. Your feelings are not her feelings. There is nothing stopping her from being a mother when she is ready and willing.

Is this a not-good situation? Of course. No one wants to go through this. I'm sorry that both of you have to go through this, but you have to let her be her own person and life her own life, no matter how troubling and worrisome that may be.

holyguacamole79

STARMOON44 said:

This isn't your first grandchild.

I was not the first grandchild on my mom's side, and I know my Nana would have been crushed had something happened to me or any one of my siblings or her other grandchildren. @Denise40‌ can be sad about what may happen to her grandchild.

firebabe6519

Personally, I would be pissed if my mom tried to convince me to keep a baby that I wasn't ready for (especially when I never even provided the information about the situation to her).

Your daughter is an adult and will make her own choices. If the rumor is bugging you too much, go and visit with a counselor or therapist. But it is not your place to broach this subject with your daughter unless she so chooses to share anything with you.

What could you possibly accomplish by trying to talk to her about a rumor you heard? And an exceptionally sensitive rumor at that!

Denise40

STARMOON44 said:

This isn't your first grandchild. If you're going to carry on like your first grandchild died because your 25 year old daughter who is already taking care of 3 of her boyfriends children because he seemingly cannot grasp how condoms work decided to have an abortion at 8 weeks, I think it's pretty obvious why she didn't tell you. She is an adult. Trust that if she wants your help, comfort, or involvement she will ask. And check your own arrogance- there's no way you can be so certain she'll regret this. Sure, she might. But lots of women don't regret abortions at all. And others regret they were in a position to make that choice and still wouldn't change anything.

I'm sorry you think I'm showing arrogance by having concerns over my daughters emotional well being. Yes she is a great mother to his kids and it's her choice to do that. Thank you for your input.

STARMOON44

holyguacamole79 said:

STARMOON44 said:

This isn't your first grandchild.

I was not the first grandchild on my mom's side, and I know my Nana would have been crushed had something happened to me or any one of my siblings or her other grandchildren. @Denise40‌ can be sad about what may happen to her grandchild.

Oh absolutely! If she wants to choose to spend her life sad because she's decided that an 8 week old fetus was her first grand baby, she certainly can. But she's not entitled to impose that view on her daughter who seemingly doesn't share it. Personally I think this situation calls for prayer, not meddling. And the phrase "this is my first grandchild" to me reads very much I am making this all about myself.

ashley8918

holyguacamole79 said:

This isn't your first grandchild.

I was not the first grandchild on my mom's side, and I know my Nana would have been crushed had something happened to me or any one of my siblings or her other grandchildren. @Denise40‌ can be sad about what may happen to her grandchild.

But nothing is "happening to her grandchild", because her daughter is not choosing to have a child right now. There is no grandchild. I this that this is what Starmoon meant.

She's allowed to be sad about the situation, but she needs to keep her opinions about it to herself unless her daughter wants it. Her daughter chose not to confide in her and she needs to respect that.