Parent Drama - Suggestions?

huskypuppy14

Your parents are acting like terrible people.

 If you think your dad will contact your FILs, I would give them a heads up. Let them know you completely disagree with your dad. It will be better coming from you guys than if they are blindsided by you dad.

allispain

jenandtonic81515 said:

Haha yes I will update yall. Bear with me, it may be a couple days. 

And yes, my mom is very much in the picture. If she agreed with me, I'd never know it. She will side on my dad with pretty much anything. I have expressed my concerns to her and she has agreed that FI's parents need to contribute and supports my dad's decision to halt everything if they don't. 

That sounds exactly like my parents for most of my life. My dad could do/say something egregious, I would go to my mom upset (like in tears upset), and her only concern would be whether or not I hurt my dad's feelings by telling him that I disagreed. No concern ever about how his actions/words made me feel.

My parents are now divorced, and my mom is a much nicer human being. My dad's still an ass. Like an "I paid for you to go to summer camp when you were a kid so you have to agree with everything I say" kind of ass. I kid you not - he once sent me an e-mail with a list of all the things he paid for throughout my childhood for which I now "owe" him. Hence the no speaking.

I wish you luck in your conversation with him/them. The only additional piece of advice I can give you is to try to me as emotionally neutral as possible during that talk. With my dad at least, I found over the years that he would respond slightly more positively to a more intellectual discussion (ie - lists of numbers, cause and effect, etc.) as opposed to anything emotional.

[Deleted User]

allispain said:

jenandtonic81515 said:

Haha yes I will update yall. Bear with me, it may be a couple days. 

And yes, my mom is very much in the picture. If she agreed with me, I'd never know it. She will side on my dad with pretty much anything. I have expressed my concerns to her and she has agreed that FI's parents need to contribute and supports my dad's decision to halt everything if they don't. 

That sounds exactly like my parents for most of my life. My dad could do/say something egregious, I would go to my mom upset (like in tears upset), and her only concern would be whether or not I hurt my dad's feelings by telling him that I disagreed. No concern ever about how his actions/words made me feel.

My parents are now divorced, and my mom is a much nicer human being. My dad's still an ass. Like an "I paid for you to go to summer camp when you were a kid so you have to agree with everything I say" kind of ass. I kid you not - he once sent me an e-mail with a list of all the things he paid for throughout my childhood for which I now "owe" him. Hence the no speaking.

I wish you luck in your conversation with him/them. The only additional piece of advice I can give you is to try to me as emotionally neutral as possible during that talk. With my dad at least, I found over the years that he would respond slightly more positively to a more intellectual discussion (ie - lists of numbers, cause and effect, etc.) as opposed to anything emotional.

@allispain are you sure you and I aren't long lost sisters? It sounds like your dad and my dad are the exact same person. Totally agree about the emotional neutrality. 

UPDATE: So FI talked to his parents about the situation. Not in a soliciting-for-money-way, but because he is extremely close with his parents and wanted them to know what was going on (his dad is his best man, they are that close). I fully support him in his decision to to let them know. Though not the rehearsal dinner my dad had in mind demanded, they have offerred to order pizza for everyone after the rehearsal. WHICH IS TOTALLY FINE. I think a mini pizza party sounds awesome. FI and I will pick up some cases of beer and bottles of wine for the occasion. 

I plan on talking to my dad about this tonight. If he even thinks about throwing a shit fit because it is not the $3000.00 extravaganza he wanted, FI and I are going to walk away. 

novella1186

Good luck! I hope it goes well.

lyndausvi

IF your dad does call them your in-laws should say they will have him arrested for extortion.   

Seriously, that is exactly what he would be doing if he does call and demands money from them.

rcher912

lyndausvi said:

IF your dad does call them your in-laws should say they will have him arrested for extortion.   

Seriously, that is exactly what he would be doing if he does call and demands money from them.

hahaha, hot damn! That's a whole new level.

You're not wrong, but wow, haha. That would shut him up fast, I bet.

[Deleted User]

Ok.

I talked to dad, he was not happy. I calmly explained to him that this was what is on the table and if he had a problem with it, then he could choose to withdraw his contribution and FI and I would have no obligation to repay him for the deposits. I told him he has the choice to be gracious about FILs contribution or risk pushing himself out of my life by continued jack-assery (ok, maybe I didn't say jack-assery, per se). He piped down after that. He seems to have dropped the RD issue for now. 

FI and I realize that this may not be the last time he tries to take control in an outlandish way, but for now we are going to try to keep the peace. I think my dad was not expecting me to stand up to him (I never really have before....he always scared me! ). I made it clear that while a big wedding with everyone we love would be wonderful, it would not make FI and I any more married than if we were to go to a JOP; we are just as happy to do that if need be. I do not think he was expecting that at all based off of his reaction and I think he realized that I will not let him walk all over me with this. 

While my future somewhat depended on me going to college (which he paid for and used to control me), whether FI and I get married is not dependent on him nor is it dependent on his money. His financial contribution is expendable, for lack of a better word, and he knows it now.

Thank yall for sticking with me on this. I really appreciate the perspective and support offered. I think I'm gonna stick around for a while  

rcher912

woooo, way to go!!! Glad dear old dad calmed down.

allispain

jenandtonic81515 said:

Ok.

I talked to dad, he was not happy. I calmly explained to him that this was what is on the table and if he had a problem with it, then he could choose to withdraw his contribution and FI and I would have no obligation to repay him for the deposits. I told him he has the choice to be gracious about FILs contribution or risk pushing himself out of my life by continued jack-assery (ok, maybe I didn't say jack-assery, per se). He piped down after that. He seems to have dropped the RD issue for now. 

FI and I realize that this may not be the last time he tries to take control in an outlandish way, but for now we are going to try to keep the peace. I think my dad was not expecting me to stand up to him (I never really have before....he always scared me! ). I made it clear that while a big wedding with everyone we love would be wonderful, it would not make FI and I any more married than if we were to go to a JOP; we are just as happy to do that if need be. I do not think he was expecting that at all based off of his reaction and I think he realized that I will not let him walk all over me with this. 

While my future somewhat depended on me going to college (which he paid for and used to control me), whether FI and I get married is not dependent on him nor is it dependent on his money. His financial contribution is expendable, for lack of a better word, and he knows it now.

Thank yall for sticking with me on this. I really appreciate the perspective and support offered. I think I'm gonna stick around for a while  

Yay! Sounds like it was a very productive chat :-)

novella1186

Good for you for standing up to him! That's awesome! Hopefully he was keep his outrageous behavior under control now. 

Jen4948

Wow! Good for you. I'm sure that was difficult and painful.

mikenberger

Good for you! It's important to establish boundaries as an adult and as a (future) wife. 

Way to go! Hopefully it sticks with him.

[Deleted User]

You go girl. You are handling this in a mature, responsible manner, and is it weird to say I'm "proud" of you for that? I don't know you at all, but I know what it is like to have controlling parents, and it is so hard to stand up to them when you've spent life being afraid of making the wrong move.

Good luck, I hope he shapes up his behavior!

danamw

Whew, I am relieved this turned out ok. But always keep on guard for any future outbursts, and don't really forget, until after the wedding is over.

Your father seems to have nothing but money to use, to bully the people around him. I hope he has learned something from this.

The shame of it is, people around him will never fully trust him. He has his wife cowed, he didn't succeed in getting you, or your FI and family under his thumb. Your father is the loser in this. The truly sad part is, he probably doesn't care.