Wedding Etiquette Forum

Parent Drama - Suggestions?

edited February 2015 in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Hello, I will try to make this brief: 

When my fiance and I got engaged, my father offered to pay for our wedding (ceremony and reception costs) without prompting and gave us a very generous budget. 

Now, after thousands of dollars in deposits have been made, my dad has suddenly said that my fiance's parents must pay for a rehearsal dinner at a nice restaurant with an open bar and minimum cost of $3000.00. 

My fiance and I initially did not even plan to do a rehearsal or rehearsal dinner (doing so would require many of our OOT bridal party to take the day off of work instead of just traveling later that Friday evening). 

While my dad is very successful, my fiance's family is not as well off. My fiance put himself through college because he did not want to take a dime from them. My dad knows their financial situation. I never expect anyone to pay for my wedding. If they offer (as my dad did), great. I will be forever thankful. But there is never an expectation and I have just been grateful for FIL's support. 

My dad will not listen to either one of us and is threatening to call FI's parents himself and demand a $3000.00 check. None of the expectation for FI's family to contribute was mentioned at the time of my dad's offer to contribute. My FI is very upset at being put in this position by my father and I do not blame him. 

So basically, the way FI and I see it is wither talk to FI's parents, or cut our losses, pay my dad back for the amount he spent on deposits, and get married on our own, just the two of us elopement style. But maybe we need some perspective. 

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to navigate this? Has anyone experienced something similar? 

(Also - my FI and I have offered to pay for the rehearsal dinner but my dad has demanded that it is paid for by my FILs. Basically, it is not about the rehearsal dinner, it is about FI's parents "paying up"). 

EDIT: I thought I included this but after re-reading, I did not. My dad has said either FI's parents do the rehersal dinner or give a $3000.00 check to my dad, or he pulls the plug and the "whole thing is off" (his words)
«1

Re: Parent Drama - Suggestions?

  • Hello, I will try to make this brief: 

    When my fiance and I got engaged, my father offered to pay for our wedding (ceremony and reception costs) without prompting and gave us a very generous budget. 

    Now, after thousands of dollars in deposits have been made, my dad has suddenly said that my fiance's parents must pay for a rehearsal dinner at a nice restaurant with an open bar and minimum cost of $3000.00. 

    My fiance and I initially did not even plan to do a rehearsal or rehearsal dinner (doing so would require many of our OOT bridal party to take the day off of work instead of just traveling later that Friday evening). 

    While my dad is very successful, my fiance's family is not as well off. My fiance put himself through college because he did not want to take a dime from them. My dad knows their financial situation. I never expect anyone to pay for my wedding. If they offer (as my dad did), great. I will be forever thankful. But there is never an expectation and I have just been grateful for FIL's support. 

    My dad will not listen to either one of us and is threatening to call FI's parents himself and demand a $3000.00 check. None of the expectation for FI's family to contribute was mentioned at the time of my dad's offer to contribute. My FI is very upset at being put in this position by my father and I do not blame him. 

    So basically, the way FI and I see it is wither talk to FI's parents, or cut our losses, pay my dad back for the amount he spent on deposits, and get married on our own, just the two of us elopement style. But maybe we need some perspective. 

    Does anyone have any suggestions on how to navigate this? Has anyone experienced something similar? 

    (Also - my FI and I have offered to pay for the rehearsal dinner but my dad has demanded that it is paid for by my FILs. Basically, it is not about the rehearsal dinner, it is about FI's parents "paying up"). 

    EDIT: I thought I included this but after re-reading, I did not. My dad has said either FI's parents do the rehersal dinner or give a $3000.00 check to my dad, or he pulls the plug and the "whole thing is off" (his words)
    Then let him pull the plug. Pay him back whatever he put down for deposits and plan and pay for your own wedding. Your dad is being a jackass.
    rcher912PrettyGirlLost
  • Sorry to hear your dad is being less than kind.

    I'll call his bluff and tell him NO. Don't put a strain on your relationship with your ILs for the rest of your life because your dad is being ridiculous. 

    Since HE said he would pull the plug "on the whole thing" because the ILs aren't paying, if he does rescind his money, I'd let him deal with the deposits already made. It was his choice to give the deposits and his choice to take the money away. 
    lc07
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited February 2015
    Your Dad  is a manipulative jerk.  You are not responsible for his behavior.
    Cancel your wedding plans and reschedule a wedding that you can afford to pay for yourself.  I would cross Daddy Dearest off the guest list.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    downtondiva[Deleted User]novella1186
  • I would tell Dad that it would be very rude to ask them for anything and that you refuse to do it.  I would also ask him how he would feel if he was being told how to spend HIS money.  I would also tell him how much he has offended his FSIL and that as a couple you have decided that while you appreciate all he has done for you so far, that if he continues with his plan to ask them for money that you will cancel everything that has been planned so far and elope.  I would tell him that I would get any deposits possible back, but I would not pay him back for what is non-refundable - this is on him.  I think if you go in to the talk as calmly as possible its your best bet to reason, and if it doesn't work then walk.  Stick to what you tell him your going to do and start making calls to cancel.
    MairePoppyrcher912
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Hello, I will try to make this brief: 

    When my fiance and I got engaged, my father offered to pay for our wedding (ceremony and reception costs) without prompting and gave us a very generous budget.   THIS is when your dad should have mentioned any caveats to his "gift".  (For lurkers), As the recipient, this also would have been a good time to discuss whether there would be any strings attached to this "generosity".  Although it has the potential to be an awkward conversation, it is far better to have a clear understanding at this stage, rather than be blindsided once well into the planning.

    Now, after thousands of dollars in deposits have been made, my dad has suddenly said that my fiance's parents must pay for a rehearsal dinner at a nice restaurant with an open bar and minimum cost of $3000.00.  Why did he make this demand?  When he presented it to you, did you ask him why this had suddenly become an issue for him? 

    My fiance and I initially did not even plan to do a rehearsal or rehearsal dinner (doing so would require many of our OOT bridal party to take the day off of work instead of just traveling later that Friday evening). 

    While my dad is very successful, my fiance's family is not as well off. My fiance put himself through college because he did not want to take a dime from them. My dad knows their financial situation. I never expect anyone to pay for my wedding. If they offer (as my dad did), great. I will be forever thankful. But there is never an expectation and I have just been grateful for FIL's support. 

    My dad will not listen to either one of us and is threatening to call FI's parents himself and demand a $3000.00 check. None of the expectation for FI's family to contribute was mentioned at the time of my dad's offer to contribute. My FI is very upset at being put in this position by my father and I do not blame him. 

    So basically, the way FI and I see it is wither talk to FI's parents, or cut our losses, pay my dad back for the amount he spent on deposits, and get married on our own, just the two of us elopement style. But maybe we need some perspective. 

    Does anyone have any suggestions on how to navigate this? Has anyone experienced something similar?   I think "less is more" in this case.  Just as your dad offered no explanation, I would make a statement and be done with him.  "Dad, there will be no exchange, of words or money, between you and FI's parents.  Here is a list of the vendor's with whom we hold contracts.  FI and I are moving forward with new plans and our own budget". 

    (Also - my FI and I have offered to pay for the rehearsal dinner but my dad has demanded that it is paid for by my FILs. Basically, it is not about the rehearsal dinner, it is about FI's parents "paying up"). 

    EDIT: I thought I included this but after re-reading, I did not. My dad has said either FI's parents do the rehersal dinner or give a $3000.00 check to my dad, or he pulls the plug and the "whole thing is off" (his words)
    It boggles my mind as to why weddings turn people into control freaks.  Don't make this more of a battle than it is, because it only exists in the mind of your father. 

    "A little elopement" can be lovely and intimate.  However, if that is not exactly what you had in mind either, please know that there are several "in between" options as well.  There are scores of women on these boards that can steer you in the direction of a budget friendly wedding as well.  Please keep us updated!
    mollybarker11PrettyGirlLost
  • MobKaz said:
    Hello, I will try to make this brief: 

    When my fiance and I got engaged, my father offered to pay for our wedding (ceremony and reception costs) without prompting and gave us a very generous budget.   THIS is when your dad should have mentioned any caveats to his "gift".  (For lurkers), As the recipient, this also would have been a good time to discuss whether there would be any strings attached to this "generosity".  Although it has the potential to be an awkward conversation, it is far better to have a clear understanding at this stage, rather than be blindsided once well into the planning.

    Now, after thousands of dollars in deposits have been made, my dad has suddenly said that my fiance's parents must pay for a rehearsal dinner at a nice restaurant with an open bar and minimum cost of $3000.00.  Why did he make this demand?  When he presented it to you, did you ask him why this had suddenly become an issue for him? 

    My fiance and I initially did not even plan to do a rehearsal or rehearsal dinner (doing so would require many of our OOT bridal party to take the day off of work instead of just traveling later that Friday evening). 

    While my dad is very successful, my fiance's family is not as well off. My fiance put himself through college because he did not want to take a dime from them. My dad knows their financial situation. I never expect anyone to pay for my wedding. If they offer (as my dad did), great. I will be forever thankful. But there is never an expectation and I have just been grateful for FIL's support. 

    My dad will not listen to either one of us and is threatening to call FI's parents himself and demand a $3000.00 check. None of the expectation for FI's family to contribute was mentioned at the time of my dad's offer to contribute. My FI is very upset at being put in this position by my father and I do not blame him. 

    So basically, the way FI and I see it is wither talk to FI's parents, or cut our losses, pay my dad back for the amount he spent on deposits, and get married on our own, just the two of us elopement style. But maybe we need some perspective. 

    Does anyone have any suggestions on how to navigate this? Has anyone experienced something similar?   I think "less is more" in this case.  Just as your dad offered no explanation, I would make a statement and be done with him.  "Dad, there will be no exchange, of words or money, between you and FI's parents.  Here is a list of the vendor's with whom we hold contracts.  FI and I are moving forward with new plans and our own budget". 

    (Also - my FI and I have offered to pay for the rehearsal dinner but my dad has demanded that it is paid for by my FILs. Basically, it is not about the rehearsal dinner, it is about FI's parents "paying up"). 

    EDIT: I thought I included this but after re-reading, I did not. My dad has said either FI's parents do the rehersal dinner or give a $3000.00 check to my dad, or he pulls the plug and the "whole thing is off" (his words)
    It boggles my mind as to why weddings turn people into control freaks.  Don't make this more of a battle than it is, because it only exists in the mind of your father. 

    "A little elopement" can be lovely and intimate.  However, if that is not exactly what you had in mind either, please know that there are several "in between" options as well.  There are scores of women on these boards that can steer you in the direction of a budget friendly wedding as well.  Please keep us updated!

    You are absolutely right and I second that advice to lurkers. I regret not asking if his offer would come with conditions. I suppose I just never assumed that someone would offer a gift and then use it to manipulate. 

    He really gave no reason. He just decided that he didn't like spending money that he offered knowing that FI's parents were not doing the same. A bogus reason if you ask me. 

    So far I have not said anything to my dad. I am going to wait a couple of days for him to simmer down before I explain to him that due to the new circumstances, FI and I will not be soliciting any money from FI's parents and that we will make our own arrangements. 

    I am on the fence about paying back the deposits. I agree that he offered the money, he rescinded the money, and I should not owe him anything for it because the wedding will have been cancelled because of his actions. But I also know that going that route would mean that my relationship with my father will have been damaged beyond repair.

     He uses his money to influence his relationships with other if you haven't gathered that so far...and it is really sad. 
  • photokittyphotokitty where I want to be mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    One question, who signed the contracts, you or dad? If it's you. Off back out of the extravagant wedding period, unless you can afford to pay if dad throws a fit again and doesn't pay the balance.

    Sorry you're going through this.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

  • Dad signed the contracts..

    Thanks yall for all of the advice and support. 
  • OP I think your idea of holding to discuss this with him for a few days is smart - there's always the chance that he will see reason if you give him a little time to think over what's going.

    FWIW, my dad also uses money to control people. That attitude on his part is one of several reasons we are not currently on speaking terms - he views relationships as business/financial transactions. So perhaps I'm biased in saying this, but I am definitely with the PPs that suggested not paying him back. He needs to learn that trying to control people through money is not an acceptable way to have relationships with them.
    image
    rcher912SP29huskypuppy14[Deleted User]
  • banana468 said:
    Ditto the others. But I wouldn't wouldn't pay your dad back. He made a choice to spend his money and he should learn that there's a price to pay for being a demanding asshole. If go further and day,"Yup Dad. The whole thing is off and we're going to do this on a much lower budget. But because I don't invite people who are manipulative dicks, you aren't on the guest list. " I would make it pretty clear to dad that unless he plans to apologize, his actions have seriously damaged our relationship and he said will need to work very hard to earn back my respect.
    THIS.

    JFC. I'm sorry but your dad sounds kind of awful. Like... wow.

    My dad is a controlling, manipulative asshole sometimes and we don't always get along so well. He offered to pay for the food for our wedding, so we accepted his offer and involved him in the food-related meetings (tastings, reviewing the contract, selecting the menu). After it was all said and done, he decided to spring it on me that since he paid for the food (and ONLY the food) he gets to "control the whole wedding and decide the whole guest list." Um... what? I don't fucking think so.

    I told him if that's why he offered to contribute, then we would be declining his contribution, and I wanted him to have no further involvement in the wedding whatsoever. That put him back in line, and he shut his mouth and quit trying to control everything. But he also wouldn't take his contribution back. He said it was really important to him to get to contribute to his daughter's wedding and he would be really hurt if he didn't get to cover the food.

    So he could talk big, but if I called him on his bullshit and stood up to him, he backed off pretty fast.

    Good luck dealing with your dad. Call him out and stand up to him. Your FILs do not deserve this. If you end up with the courthouse wedding, I think you'll enjoy it even more and be way less stressed out knowing that no one else is pulling the strings.
    image
    [Deleted User]
  • Before you said that your dad has a history of this, I was going to say that if it was my mom or dad who did this, I'd be really concerned they were ill, had some type of brain tumor, I dunno. But I would be scared, because that is crazy behavior, particularly if it is totally out of the blue. And I would have suggested getting your father to a doctor. But since it is not out of the blue, I'm very sorry you have to deal with this. 
  • Just want to add that if/when you have this discussion with your dad calling his bluff you should be very clear that he is not to take it on himself to call or in any way contact your FILs about this or it will be a relationship ending move for you and him.  I'm just very afraid that, since he has already threatened to bring this up with him, he will get angry when you call his bluff and lash out at them.  He must be made to understand that doing so would have severe consequences.
    rcher912mollybarker11novella1186[Deleted User]
  • rcher912rcher912 Philadelphia member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    edited February 2015
    Just want to add that if/when you have this discussion with your dad calling his bluff you should be very clear that he is not to take it on himself to call or in any way contact your FILs about this or it will be a relationship ending move for you and him.  I'm just very afraid that, since he has already threatened to bring this up with him, he will get angry when you call his bluff and lash out at them.  He must be made to understand that doing so would have severe consequences.



    ------------------------------------


    I agree with this completely. You have to do a little more than call his bluff, if he's made this threat. Sounds like he's anticipating you calling his bluff. Only you can decide what these consequences are, as you've already stated you don't really want to completely damage your relationship, but don't let that be a loophole for him to continue to hurt you guys.
    Yikes.

    ETA: aahhhh boxes
  • I don't mean this as a joke. Does your Dad have a drinking problem? My late FIL did, and this is something I can picture him doing.

    If this is something your Dad has just said, he may take it back. But-- make contingency plans, in case he does it again and sticks to it.

  • Yep, this is pretty routine behavior for him. He very generously paid for my college, and would use that to control me. If I were to think about doing something that he did not agree with, there was always the threat to stop paying for my tuition. (That probably makes me sound like a brat, but I assure yall that I have never expected my parents to finance me in any way and I have always been very very appreciative of their generosity). 

    What's more is that I have always suspected that his dad did/does this to him. Pulls the whole "you will be out of the will" card. This is based on conversation I have had with my mom. 

    No drinking problem that I am aware of. At least, not in the classic sense. He does tend to get a bit more....vocal... after consuming alcohol. Which is probably a problem in and of itself.

    Yall are a wise bunch and I really appreciate the advice. I am still gonna wait it out a few days before talking to him any more about it.  I too share the fear that he may contact FI's parents regardless. 

    Small and intimate (read: FI's parents only) ceremony is sounding nicer by the minute. 
    SP29[Deleted User]
  • Will you please update us after you talk to him OP, my curiosity is getting the better of me. 
    image
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Yep, this is pretty routine behavior for him. He very generously paid for my college, and would use that to control me. If I were to think about doing something that he did not agree with, there was always the threat to stop paying for my tuition. (That probably makes me sound like a brat, but I assure yall that I have never expected my parents to finance me in any way and I have always been very very appreciative of their generosity). 

    What's more is that I have always suspected that his dad did/does this to him. Pulls the whole "you will be out of the will" card. This is based on conversation I have had with my mom. 

    No drinking problem that I am aware of. At least, not in the classic sense. He does tend to get a bit more....vocal... after consuming alcohol. Which is probably a problem in and of itself.

    Yall are a wise bunch and I really appreciate the advice. I am still gonna wait it out a few days before talking to him any more about it.  I too share the fear that he may contact FI's parents regardless. 

    Small and intimate (read: FI's parents only) ceremony is sounding nicer by the minute. 
    Because you had not mentioned her, I wasn't sure whether your mom was in the picture.  What does she have to say about this behavior and manipulation?
  • Haha yes I will update yall. Bear with me, it may be a couple days. 

    And yes, my mom is very much in the picture. If she agreed with me, I'd never know it. She will side on my dad with pretty much anything. I have expressed my concerns to her and she has agreed that FI's parents need to contribute and supports my dad's decision to halt everything if they don't. 


  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Woah, your dad is completely out of line.  That is so inappropriate.  I would decline his money and pay for the wedding myself.  Let him deal with the fall out.  He is the one who signed the contracts to control you.  He is using his contribution to manipulate you.  You and FI are starting a new family together.  If you let your father control the beginning of your marriage, he will continue to guilt trip you and control the rest of it.  I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.  I agree with PPs about being clear in how his actions are going to affect your relationship. 


    image
    mollybarker11novella1186
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Haha yes I will update yall. Bear with me, it may be a couple days. 

    And yes, my mom is very much in the picture. If she agreed with me, I'd never know it. She will side on my dad with pretty much anything. I have expressed my concerns to her and she has agreed that FI's parents need to contribute and supports my dad's decision to halt everything if they don't. 


    I am sorry to hear that. If your dad were to actually 'pull the plug" I have to wonder if he would attend a wedding even if invited. Do you think your mom would go so far as to allow him to potentially prevent her from seeing you marry? What I mean by that is if your father would go so far as to decline an invitation, do you foresee your mom still "siding" with that point of view?
  • sophhabobophasophhabobopha The Midwestern tundra member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    Your dad sounds like a total asshole.
    Stick to your guns girl!

    image
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards