• Images
  • Text
  • Find a Couple + Registry
GO
Wedding 911

Advice needed!!! Help!

I am marrying into a family of very talented musicians and singers. It is a tradition in their family that someone sings and plays the song for the first dance. My future sister & mother-in-law have amazing talent and their singing is beautiful. I agreed with my fiance that we want his mom and possibly his sister to sing a song for our first dance. My mother, however, said no way. She said there is no point in them singing and she doesn't understand why they need to sing. I explained to her that it's a Burns thing and it what they do in their family. Seems like at every wedding, they have sung the first dance song. She keeps saying that it's not going to happen and won't listen to me when I say I want MIL to sing. I am not sure what to do because I know she will be very hurt if I tell her she can't sing. 

Re: Advice needed!!! Help!

  • mikenbergermikenberger In a f'n cornfield member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    I am marrying into a family of very talented musicians and singers. It is a tradition in their family that someone sings and plays the song for the first dance. My future sister & mother-in-law have amazing talent and their singing is beautiful. I agreed with my fiance that we want his mom and possibly his sister to sing a song for our first dance. My mother, however, said no way. She said there is no point in them singing and she doesn't understand why they need to sing. I explained to her that it's a Burns thing and it what they do in their family. Seems like at every wedding, they have sung the first dance song. She keeps saying that it's not going to happen and won't listen to me when I say I want MIL to sing. I am not sure what to do because I know she will be very hurt if I tell her she can't sing. 
    How do you feel about it? I assume since this is a tradition of theirs, they know their timing and won't get stage fright etc. It's always a little iffy with people singing versus a track. 

    Doesn't your mother understand that there are TWO people getting married? And these are your future husbands family members? Hell, his own MOTHER. I would push back on this if it was something that I wanted and something my FI wanted. 

    image
    [Deleted User]
  • greekgeek89greekgeek89 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited February 2015
    Yea I forgot to add that she threw in there the "your father and I are paying for this reception" thing. I would love for her to sing. I just don't want to make my mother all huffy but it seems she is being very unreasonable.
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Sorry but your mother sounds like a controlling nut.

  • Sorry but your mother sounds like a controlling nut.
    Yea, I got super lucky with my FMIL. She is amazing. I love my family, but sometimes I wish they did shut up. I will definitely stay strong on this one. I really want her to sing. I told my mom is she sang as amazing as FMIL did then she too could get up there and sing. 
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Yea I forgot to add that she threw in there the "your father and I are paying for this reception" thing. I would love for her to sing. I just don't want to make my mother all huffy but it seems she is being very unreasonable.

    "This is FI's wedding too, and a tradition that is important to both of us. You are being very unreasonable, Mom. We're doing it. If it is truly that much of a problem, we will pay for our own reception." If she gets huffy, that's on her.

    Do you have any sort of idea why she's being ridiculous about this? Is the idea of the "other mom" getting the spotlight at the reception she's hosting making her upset about who will get "credit" for making the more meaningful contribution to the reception?

    Anniversary

    Blue_Bird[Deleted User]
  • Yea I forgot to add that she threw in there the "your father and I are paying for this reception" thing. I would love for her to sing. I just don't want to make my mother all huffy but it seems she is being very unreasonable.

    "This is FI's wedding too, and a tradition that is important to both of us. You are being very unreasonable, Mom. We're doing it. If it is truly that much of a problem, we will pay for our own reception." If she gets huffy, that's on her.

    Do you have any sort of idea why she's being ridiculous about this? Is the idea of the "other mom" getting the spotlight at the reception she's hosting making her upset about who will get "credit" for making the more meaningful contribution to the reception?

    I honestly have no idea! I asked her why she said no and her response was "There is no point, Is the point for entertainment?" I just looked at her, did not know how to respond to that, but then I said because it's family. They literally are all musicians and it's who they are.
  • Yea I forgot to add that she threw in there the "your father and I are paying for this reception" thing. I would love for her to sing. I just don't want to make my mother all huffy but it seems she is being very unreasonable.
    If you've told your mom how much this means to you and your FI and she still won't budge, she's going to be a royal PITA the rest of the planning. Always holding money over your head to have her way. Of course since she's paying she gets a say, but this isn't costing her anything and it's harmless.

    Personally, that's a huge red flag and you should decline their money. Host what YOU can afford. Once she isn't paying, she doesn't have a say....about ANYTHING. If she's doing this over something that's free, I can't even imagine how dreadful she's going to be throughout your planning. Cut the cord now.
    *********************************************************************************

    image
    haleyk620Blue_Bird[Deleted User]
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Yea I forgot to add that she threw in there the "your father and I are paying for this reception" thing. I would love for her to sing. I just don't want to make my mother all huffy but it seems she is being very unreasonable.

    "This is FI's wedding too, and a tradition that is important to both of us. You are being very unreasonable, Mom. We're doing it. If it is truly that much of a problem, we will pay for our own reception." If she gets huffy, that's on her.

    Do you have any sort of idea why she's being ridiculous about this? Is the idea of the "other mom" getting the spotlight at the reception she's hosting making her upset about who will get "credit" for making the more meaningful contribution to the reception?

    I honestly have no idea! I asked her why she said no and her response was "There is no point, Is the point for entertainment?" I just looked at her, did not know how to respond to that, but then I said because it's family. They literally are all musicians and it's who they are.
    Her singing is not any different than having a recording of a song for the first dance. What's the point of having music to dance to? That's basically the question she's asking. I doubt that's her real objection, though, and I agree with PPs that this is only the beginning of her being a controlling PITA.

    Anniversary

    [Deleted User]
  • KahlylaKahlyla Moncton, NB member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    Yea I forgot to add that she threw in there the "your father and I are paying for this reception" thing. I would love for her to sing. I just don't want to make my mother all huffy but it seems she is being very unreasonable.

    "This is FI's wedding too, and a tradition that is important to both of us. You are being very unreasonable, Mom. We're doing it. If it is truly that much of a problem, we will pay for our own reception." If she gets huffy, that's on her.

    Do you have any sort of idea why she's being ridiculous about this? Is the idea of the "other mom" getting the spotlight at the reception she's hosting making her upset about who will get "credit" for making the more meaningful contribution to the reception?

    I honestly have no idea! I asked her why she said no and her response was "There is no point, Is the point for entertainment?" I just looked at her, did not know how to respond to that, but then I said because it's family. They literally are all musicians and it's who they are.
    Her singing is not any different than having a recording of a song for the first dance. What's the point of having music to dance to? That's basically the question she's asking. I doubt that's her real objection, though, and I agree with PPs that this is only the beginning of her being a controlling PITA.
    This, exactly! My friends had a live singer sing their first dance for them, followed by DJ music the rest of the night. It's a perfectly valid method of delivering a song. Nothing weird about it at all. "We've chosen this as our first dance song. MIL is going to sing it live!" What's so werid about that?
    image
  • This is a no-cost item, so I don't know what say she has in this, even if she is paying for other elements (or all of) the reception. 
    [Deleted User]
  • I just don't understand why is it that your mother is against your in laws signing. I mean if this is an agreement you and your husband to be made you shouldn't break it. Explain to your mother that this is their way of showing their love with you guys. Don't get hang up on this topic just explain to your mom that this is your wedding, that you appreciate her advice but she can't make the ultimate decision.
    Best of luck
  • Make sure she knows it isn't just the FI and FMIL pressuring you and that it's what you really really want. Perhaps she thinks you're settling? Or she might just be a controlling nut. I have one of those, too, but mine usually sees the light after my wonderful younger sister/MOH with way more guts and attitude sets her straight. Stick to your guns, girl. If you want it, make it clear. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker


    image
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I'm late to this thread but I'm wondering, OP, what your mother would do if your FMIL did get up and sing. Walk up and grab the mic away from her?
    If all the bills are paid before the first dance, heck, I'd risk it. It's your mother that would come off the fool if she did anything, and even if she sits and stews, she'll see that everyone else loves it. 

    I'd just be like, "Ok sure mom, I hear you, case closed." Then when it happens, be all, "what a surprise!"  
    Do your mom and FMIL talk? Do they get along? I can't imagine your mom saying directly to FMIL's face, "I'm so glad you agreed not to sing the first dance."  I mean really. 
    ________________________________


  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited February 2015
    OK, your Mom is more conservative than I am!

    While it would be tacky for the bride or the groom to perform at their own wedding, it is perfectly OK for family members to perform ONE song.  More than that would be overdoing it.
    I am a professional musician, and I was thrilled to NOT have to perform at my daughter's wedding.  I keep a low profile on our vacation cruises so I don't become the entertainment
    Threaten to elope.  That will bring Mom back to reality..
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards