Advice needed!!! Help!

greekgeek89

I am marrying into a family of very talented musicians and singers. It is a tradition in their family that someone sings and plays the song for the first dance. My future sister & mother-in-law have amazing talent and their singing is beautiful. I agreed with my fiance that we want his mom and possibly his sister to sing a song for our first dance. My mother, however, said no way. She said there is no point in them singing and she doesn't understand why they need to sing. I explained to her that it's a Burns thing and it what they do in their family. Seems like at every wedding, they have sung the first dance song. She keeps saying that it's not going to happen and won't listen to me when I say I want MIL to sing. I am not sure what to do because I know she will be very hurt if I tell her she can't sing. 

flantastic

greekgeek89 said:

I am marrying into a family of very talented musicians and singers. It is a tradition in their family that someone sings and plays the song for the first dance. My future sister & mother-in-law have amazing talent and their singing is beautiful. I agreed with my fiance that we want his mom and possibly his sister to sing a song for our first dance. My mother, however, said no way. She said there is no point in them singing and she doesn't understand why they need to sing. I explained to her that it's a Burns thing and it what they do in their family. Seems like at every wedding, they have sung the first dance song. She keeps saying that it's not going to happen and won't listen to me when I say I want MIL to sing. I am not sure what to do because I know she will be very hurt if I tell her she can't sing. 

Your mother doesn't control this. If you and your FI have agreed that your FMIL singing is what you want, and your FMIL is willing to do it, why on earth would your mother's opinion have any bearing on the situation? It doesn't even matter if she's paying for the reception. "Mom, she's going to do this. FI and I will enjoy it and it will be lovely. The subject is closed."

mikenberger

greekgeek89 said:

I am marrying into a family of very talented musicians and singers. It is a tradition in their family that someone sings and plays the song for the first dance. My future sister & mother-in-law have amazing talent and their singing is beautiful. I agreed with my fiance that we want his mom and possibly his sister to sing a song for our first dance. My mother, however, said no way. She said there is no point in them singing and she doesn't understand why they need to sing. I explained to her that it's a Burns thing and it what they do in their family. Seems like at every wedding, they have sung the first dance song. She keeps saying that it's not going to happen and won't listen to me when I say I want MIL to sing. I am not sure what to do because I know she will be very hurt if I tell her she can't sing. 

How do you feel about it? I assume since this is a tradition of theirs, they know their timing and won't get stage fright etc. It's always a little iffy with people singing versus a track. 

Doesn't your mother understand that there are TWO people getting married? And these are your future husbands family members? Hell, his own MOTHER. I would push back on this if it was something that I wanted and something my FI wanted. 

greekgeek89

Yea I forgot to add that she threw in there the "your father and I are paying for this reception" thing. I would love for her to sing. I just don't want to make my mother all huffy but it seems she is being very unreasonable.

mikenberger

greekgeek89 said:

Yea I forgot to add that she threw in there the "your father and I are paying for this reception" thing. I would love for her to sing. I just don't want to make my mother all huffy but it seems she is being very unreasonable.

Then I would decline my mother's money and have the reception that I want. It comes with strings that I wouldn't, for a million years, want to be tangled in. 

And yes. Your mother is being unreasonable.

Maggie0829

Sorry but your mother sounds like a controlling nut.

greekgeek89

Maggie0829 said:

Sorry but your mother sounds like a controlling nut.

Yea, I got super lucky with my FMIL. She is amazing. I love my family, but sometimes I wish they did shut up. I will definitely stay strong on this one. I really want her to sing. I told my mom is she sang as amazing as FMIL did then she too could get up there and sing. 

flantastic

greekgeek89 said:

Yea I forgot to add that she threw in there the "your father and I are paying for this reception" thing. I would love for her to sing. I just don't want to make my mother all huffy but it seems she is being very unreasonable.

"This is FI's wedding too, and a tradition that is important to both of us. You are being very unreasonable, Mom. We're doing it. If it is truly that much of a problem, we will pay for our own reception." If she gets huffy, that's on her.

Do you have any sort of idea why she's being ridiculous about this? Is the idea of the "other mom" getting the spotlight at the reception she's hosting making her upset about who will get "credit" for making the more meaningful contribution to the reception?

greekgeek89

flantastic said:

greekgeek89 said:

Yea I forgot to add that she threw in there the "your father and I are paying for this reception" thing. I would love for her to sing. I just don't want to make my mother all huffy but it seems she is being very unreasonable.

"This is FI's wedding too, and a tradition that is important to both of us. You are being very unreasonable, Mom. We're doing it. If it is truly that much of a problem, we will pay for our own reception." If she gets huffy, that's on her.

Do you have any sort of idea why she's being ridiculous about this? Is the idea of the "other mom" getting the spotlight at the reception she's hosting making her upset about who will get "credit" for making the more meaningful contribution to the reception?

I honestly have no idea! I asked her why she said no and her response was "There is no point, Is the point for entertainment?" I just looked at her, did not know how to respond to that, but then I said because it's family. They literally are all musicians and it's who they are.

southernbelle0915

greekgeek89 said:

Yea I forgot to add that she threw in there the "your father and I are paying for this reception" thing. I would love for her to sing. I just don't want to make my mother all huffy but it seems she is being very unreasonable.

If you've told your mom how much this means to you and your FI and she still won't budge, she's going to be a royal PITA the rest of the planning. Always holding money over your head to have her way. Of course since she's paying she gets a say, but this isn't costing her anything and it's harmless.

Personally, that's a huge red flag and you should decline their money. Host what YOU can afford. Once she isn't paying, she doesn't have a say....about ANYTHING. If she's doing this over something that's free, I can't even imagine how dreadful she's going to be throughout your planning. Cut the cord now.

flantastic

greekgeek89 said:

flantastic said:

greekgeek89 said:

Yea I forgot to add that she threw in there the "your father and I are paying for this reception" thing. I would love for her to sing. I just don't want to make my mother all huffy but it seems she is being very unreasonable.

"This is FI's wedding too, and a tradition that is important to both of us. You are being very unreasonable, Mom. We're doing it. If it is truly that much of a problem, we will pay for our own reception." If she gets huffy, that's on her.

Do you have any sort of idea why she's being ridiculous about this? Is the idea of the "other mom" getting the spotlight at the reception she's hosting making her upset about who will get "credit" for making the more meaningful contribution to the reception?

I honestly have no idea! I asked her why she said no and her response was "There is no point, Is the point for entertainment?" I just looked at her, did not know how to respond to that, but then I said because it's family. They literally are all musicians and it's who they are.

Her singing is not any different than having a recording of a song for the first dance. What's the point of having music to dance to? That's basically the question she's asking. I doubt that's her real objection, though, and I agree with PPs that this is only the beginning of her being a controlling PITA.

Kahlyla

flantastic said:

greekgeek89 said:

flantastic said:

greekgeek89 said:

Yea I forgot to add that she threw in there the "your father and I are paying for this reception" thing. I would love for her to sing. I just don't want to make my mother all huffy but it seems she is being very unreasonable.

"This is FI's wedding too, and a tradition that is important to both of us. You are being very unreasonable, Mom. We're doing it. If it is truly that much of a problem, we will pay for our own reception." If she gets huffy, that's on her.

Do you have any sort of idea why she's being ridiculous about this? Is the idea of the "other mom" getting the spotlight at the reception she's hosting making her upset about who will get "credit" for making the more meaningful contribution to the reception?

I honestly have no idea! I asked her why she said no and her response was "There is no point, Is the point for entertainment?" I just looked at her, did not know how to respond to that, but then I said because it's family. They literally are all musicians and it's who they are.

Her singing is not any different than having a recording of a song for the first dance. What's the point of having music to dance to? That's basically the question she's asking. I doubt that's her real objection, though, and I agree with PPs that this is only the beginning of her being a controlling PITA.

This, exactly! My friends had a live singer sing their first dance for them, followed by DJ music the rest of the night. It's a perfectly valid method of delivering a song. Nothing weird about it at all. "We've chosen this as our first dance song. MIL is going to sing it live!" What's so werid about that?

[Deleted User]

This is a no-cost item, so I don't know what say she has in this, even if she is paying for other elements (or all of) the reception. 

Knottie72792636

I just don't understand why is it that your mother is against your in laws signing. I mean if this is an agreement you and your husband to be made you shouldn't break it. Explain to your mother that this is their way of showing their love with you guys. Don't get hang up on this topic just explain to your mom that this is your wedding, that you appreciate her advice but she can't make the ultimate decision.

Best of luck

yankeefaniniowa

Make sure she knows it isn't just the FI and FMIL pressuring you and that it's what you really really want. Perhaps she thinks you're settling? Or she might just be a controlling nut. I have one of those, too, but mine usually sees the light after my wonderful younger sister/MOH with way more guts and attitude sets her straight. Stick to your guns, girl. If you want it, make it clear. 

thisismynickname2

I'm late to this thread but I'm wondering, OP, what your mother would do if your FMIL did get up and sing. Walk up and grab the mic away from her?

If all the bills are paid before the first dance, heck, I'd risk it. It's your mother that would come off the fool if she did anything, and even if she sits and stews, she'll see that everyone else loves it. 

I'd just be like, "Ok sure mom, I hear you, case closed." Then when it happens, be all, "what a surprise!"  

Do your mom and FMIL talk? Do they get along? I can't imagine your mom saying directly to FMIL's face, "I'm so glad you agreed not to sing the first dance."  I mean really. 

CMGragain

OK, your Mom is more conservative than I am!

While it would be tacky for the bride or the groom to perform at their own wedding, it is perfectly OK for family members to perform ONE song.  More than that would be overdoing it.
I am a professional musician, and I was thrilled to NOT have to perform at my daughter's wedding.  I keep a low profile on our vacation cruises so I don't become the entertainment
Threaten to elope.  That will bring Mom back to reality..