I already am married so I don't really need any advice on how to host a wedding. I was more making the point that he's my brother. I think to make a big issue out of the fact that he needed help is a little over the top.
I already am married so I don't really need any advice on how to host a wedding. I was more making the point that he's my brother. I think to make a big issue out of the fact that he needed help is a little over the top.
We totally understand why you, as his sister, didn't make a big deal out of it. That doesn't make it appropriate to do. So we make a big deal out of it so that anyone posting or reading and considering this realizes how shitty it is to do to the people you love.
I just wanted to add that I'm Southern and I hate that excuse for making guests work at weddings - or any event hosted by you. Southern is not the same thing as white trash, which is probably what you're thinking of if you're thinking guests should be cooking, serving, cleaning up and taking out the trash. I'm hosting a super casual, wear your sweats Oscar watching party this Sunday and I want to be sick at the thought of saying to my FI's co-worker, "hey Tom, take this trash out for me!" Um...no. As a host I want my guests to be eating way too much guac and chips (which I'll be refilling the bowl of) and sitting around laughing about terrible dresses while I ask them if I can get them a beer, make sure there's plenty of food out, pick up abandoned plates and bottles, and take out the trash if it needs to be done.
I already am married so I don't really need any advice on how to host a wedding. I was more making the point that he's my brother. I think to make a big issue out of the fact that he needed help is a little over the top.
But here's the thing - he didn't need help. He/his fiancee CHOSE to have an affair that they couldn't afford or couldn't handle on their own and CHOSE to ask for help instead scale it back. That's why we make a big deal of things like this. I love my brother and SIL, but if they had asked me to bus tables and refill chafing dishes at their wedding they would have been told to stop the hillbilly shit ASAP and pay people to do paid jobs.
Besides the license, officiant, and two consenting adults EVERYTHING ELSE is optional. That's what makes all of this voluntelling extremely inappropriate. Quite honestly, I would gladly pay for something like a license fee for a deserving couple. But everything else? Your event, your responsibility. Sorry not sorry.
I already am married so I don't really need any advice on how to host a wedding. I was more making the point that he's my brother. I think to make a big issue out of the fact that he needed help is a little over the top.
I have a brother; he was at my wedding. You know what else I had at my wedding? A caterer.
It's not that hard to just actually host things and not treat your nearest and dearest as free labour.
My ILs are those people in the community who do EVERYTHING for everyone and volunteer at every single event. MIL is always in the kitchen or cleaning or serving or something. When we were talking about our reception, she got a sheepish look on her face and said something along the lines of "...I'm not really planning on being in the kitchen the night of your wedding, if that's okay..."
My response was a blank look that turned into a horrified look, and a "we're PAYING people for that. Why would you be in the kitchen at your son's wedding?" Her relief was almost palpable.
We needed help - we hired help. Our family celebrated. The end.
My ILs are those people in the community who do EVERYTHING for everyone and volunteer at every single event. MIL is always in the kitchen or cleaning or serving or something. When we were talking about our reception, she got a sheepish look on her face and said something along the lines of "...I'm not really planning on being in the kitchen the night of your wedding, if that's okay..."
My response was a blank look that turned into a horrified look, and a "we're PAYING people for that. Why would you be in the kitchen at your son's wedding?" Her relief was almost palpable.
We needed help - we hired help. Our family celebrated. The end.
He had a caterer, as well. Several things happened that he needed help with last minute. Furthermore, in life as siblings, I know there are times that I know my brother and sister will need my help and visa versa. I am happy that I know I have two people in life (in addition to my husband and parents) that will help me if needed. I'm sure they feel the same. I'm sorry you don't agree with me, but I think it's callus to act that way toward your siblings, ESPECIALLY on his or her wedding day.
He had a caterer, as well. Several things happened that he needed help with last minute. Furthermore, in life as siblings, I know there are times that I know my brother and sister will need my help and visa versa. I am happy that I know I have two people in life (in addition to my husband and parents) that will help me if needed. I'm sure they feel the same. I'm sorry you don't agree with me, but I think it's callus to act that way toward your siblings, ESPECIALLY on his or her wedding day.
Would you mind telling us what these last minute tasks were? I am not trying to be bitchy, I am genuinely curious. Pitching in during a crisis is wonderful. Doing grunt work due to someone else's poor planning is terrible. Unfortunately most of the stories we hear fall into the latter category so we get slightly jaded here.
Most of us on these boards are not callous people, we just dont buy into couples acting like everyone should at their beck and call with an open wallet during their wedding.
He had a caterer, as well. Several things happened that he needed help with last minute. Furthermore, in life as siblings, I know there are times that I know my brother and sister will need my help and visa versa. I am happy that I know I have two people in life (in addition to my husband and parents) that will help me if needed. I'm sure they feel the same. I'm sorry you don't agree with me, but I think it's callus to act that way toward your siblings, ESPECIALLY on his or her wedding day.
I made a twenty hour round trip EIGHT TIMES during my sister's engagement (every three weekends) to do whatever she needed me to do. I DIY'd my little heart out, and did things she didn't even think about, and made sure everything was perfect for my baby sister.
But, again - when it came time for her actual wedding, she paid people to do things that came up last minute so that her family could enjoy themselves. That's not me being callous. That's my sister taking care of her guests.
My ILs are those people in the community who do EVERYTHING for everyone and volunteer at every single event. MIL is always in the kitchen or cleaning or serving or something. When we were talking about our reception, she got a sheepish look on her face and said something along the lines of "...I'm not really planning on being in the kitchen the night of your wedding, if that's okay..."
My response was a blank look that turned into a horrified look, and a "we're PAYING people for that. Why would you be in the kitchen at your son's wedding?" Her relief was almost palpable.
We needed help - we hired help. Our family celebrated. The end.
Just the fact she asked that makes me so sad.
Oh I know. This is the same woman who (very nervously) brought out a GORGEOUS dress she already had in her closet (which both my FIL and J privately told me she was really excited about and wanted to wear) to ask if I thought it would be okay to wear to the wedding. She was a friggin' bombshell in that dress.
But it got really cute - she told me one night about another woman in the community who warned her that as MOG, she should be prepared to "wear beige and shut up". To which she primly stated "not MY daughter in law".
Yes MPG- my brother and sister in law had booked an old converted church as their reception area. They were supposed to have it both the day before the wedding and the wedding day and they had plans to decorate the day before. They found out shortly before their wedding that the venue accidentally booked the place the day before, meaning they would have to decorate the morning of the wedding. When my sister and I heard about this we offered to decorate for them the morning of the wedding and they took us up on it, and I'm glad they did. Both of our husbands also helped. It took us several hours when all was said and done. Would it have been nice to sleep in and relax before their wedding? Yes, but to me, it was more important to help them on that day rather than them having to worry about it on their wedding day.
He had a caterer, as well. Several things happened that he needed help with last minute. Furthermore, in life as siblings, I know there are times that I know my brother and sister will need my help and visa versa. I am happy that I know I have two people in life (in addition to my husband and parents) that will help me if needed. I'm sure they feel the same. I'm sorry you don't agree with me, but I think it's callus to act that way toward your siblings, ESPECIALLY on his or her wedding day.
I think that usually refers to emergency baby sitting, a shoulder to cry on, information chain regarding parents' health...
I don't think needing sibling help and support includes emptying garbages and free event catering.
Come again? I'm not sure where I said anything about catering my brother's wedding or emptying trash?
It was probably inferred since you jumped into a conversation with posters telling the OP that making guests cater and empty trash at her wedding would be rude.
And yes. Helping set up decorations the morning of the wedding because the venue overbooked and screwed your brother over is completely different then catering and emptying trash because the bride and groom never hired a caterer.
Yes MPG- my brother and sister in law had booked an old converted church as their reception area. They were supposed to have it both the day before the wedding and the wedding day and they had plans to decorate the day before. They found out shortly before their wedding that the venue accidentally booked the place the day before, meaning they would have to decorate the morning of the wedding. When my sister and I heard about this we offered to decorate for them the morning of the wedding and they took us up on it, and I'm glad they did. Both of our husbands also helped. It took us several hours when all was said and done. Would it have been nice to sleep in and relax before their wedding? Yes, but to me, it was more important to help them on that day rather than them having to worry about it on their wedding day.
As the bride and groom in this situation, the thing I probably would have done is go without the decorations. But I don't really fault them for taking you up on your offer to help. However, if you hadn't offered, they shouldn't have asked. Offering is the key.
Yes MPG- my brother and sister in law had booked an old converted church as their reception area. They were supposed to have it both the day before the wedding and the wedding day and they had plans to decorate the day before. They found out shortly before their wedding that the venue accidentally booked the place the day before, meaning they would have to decorate the morning of the wedding. When my sister and I heard about this we offered to decorate for them the morning of the wedding and they took us up on it, and I'm glad they did. Both of our husbands also helped. It took us several hours when all was said and done. Would it have been nice to sleep in and relax before their wedding? Yes, but to me, it was more important to help them on that day rather than them having to worry about it on their wedding day.
As the bride and groom in this situation, the thing I probably would have done is go without the decorations. But I don't really fault them for taking you up on your offer to help. However, if you hadn't offered, they shouldn't have asked. Offering is the key.
----------
Ok that's fair. Sounds like some things were out of their control and you offered. That's much different than a couple telling people six months in advance to bring mashed potatoes for 200. As I said we get jaded here.
Yes I agree, but I think a lot of assumptions are made on these boards. That's unfortunate because women come for help and just end up endlessly explaining themselves/clarifying things/ or defending themselves against assumptions that are not even true.
Yes I agree, but I think a lot of assumptions are made on these boards. That's unfortunate because women come for help and just end up endlessly explaining themselves/clarifying things/ or defending themselves against assumptions that are not even true.
Clear communication is key.
A lot of people don't understand how to do that. Hence the need for clairification.
Yes I agree, but I think a lot of assumptions are made on these boards. That's unfortunate because women come for help and just end up endlessly explaining themselves/clarifying things/ or defending themselves against assumptions that are not even true.
Clear communication is key.
A lot of people don't understand how to do that. Hence the need for clairification.
Thank you for the clarification. You sound like a great sister and I apologize for making assumptions.
We like hearing about legit situations like yours because it restores our faith that there are good people (hosts AND guests) out there. It's the deluded ones that come on here and defend, explain, and justify their abhorrent behavior that drive us nuts.
Okay, I am having a bit of a problem. I am doing a DIY reception and we are doing all the food because I have so many food allergies and I don't trust a caterer. That being said, I am at a loss as to what to serve that would feed quite a few people.
Basically my diet has to consist of poultry and vegetables. Can't have any crazy seasonings. No artificial food color either.
I was thinking of just throwing all mine and my fiancees favorite foods together and then I realized that would be an odd combination, but on the same token, it wouldn't be any different than having a potluck style lunch. Should we do this, or should there be some sort of order to the foods we serve?
I am starting to panic now as we only have 25 days left until the wedding!
Any help or ideas would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks In Advance!
I have several food allergies and sensitivities and my FI is a vegan. We are hiring a caterer. I have worked in food service for many years. Have friends in the industry and would not think of self-catering on my wedding day. I have a small budget and half is going to food and drinks.
I have found 3 caterers in my area that will do up a menus to accommodate our allergies and veganism as well as the rest of our guests within our budget.
I flew 1600 miles to attend my cousin's wedding only to find that she didn't hire anyone to help serve and clean up. All the relatives got roped into doing it. We HATED it. It is a truly sucky way to treat your guests.
Re: Food Ideas Needed
It's not that hard to just actually host things and not treat your nearest and dearest as free labour.
My ILs are those people in the community who do EVERYTHING for everyone and volunteer at every single event. MIL is always in the kitchen or cleaning or serving or something. When we were talking about our reception, she got a sheepish look on her face and said something along the lines of "...I'm not really planning on being in the kitchen the night of your wedding, if that's okay..."
My response was a blank look that turned into a horrified look, and a "we're PAYING people for that. Why would you be in the kitchen at your son's wedding?" Her relief was almost palpable.
We needed help - we hired help. Our family celebrated. The end.
Most of us on these boards are not callous people, we just dont buy into couples acting like everyone should at their beck and call with an open wallet during their wedding.
I made a twenty hour round trip EIGHT TIMES during my sister's engagement (every three weekends) to do whatever she needed me to do. I DIY'd my little heart out, and did things she didn't even think about, and made sure everything was perfect for my baby sister.
But, again - when it came time for her actual wedding, she paid people to do things that came up last minute so that her family could enjoy themselves. That's not me being callous. That's my sister taking care of her guests.
Oh I know. This is the same woman who (very nervously) brought out a GORGEOUS dress she already had in her closet (which both my FIL and J privately told me she was really excited about and wanted to wear) to ask if I thought it would be okay to wear to the wedding. She was a friggin' bombshell in that dress.
But it got really cute - she told me one night about another woman in the community who warned her that as MOG, she should be prepared to "wear beige and shut up". To which she primly stated "not MY daughter in law".
I don't think needing sibling help and support includes emptying garbages and free event catering.
----------
Ok that's fair. Sounds like some things were out of their control and you offered. That's much different than a couple telling people six months in advance to bring mashed potatoes for 200. As I said we get jaded here.