Lazy bridesmaid

flantastic

Knottie40782841 said:

Ugh now I'm afraid I've gone about this all wrong. I was actually looking at this website for organization tips and that's when I found the checklist. I did tell them not to blow their budgets, but that I would be grateful for anything they could afford. I am actually paying for their dresses to keep costs down, which is part of the reason I was hopeful that they could participate in the parties. Again, I didn't plan for it to be extravagant. I really don't want to ruin my friendships. I will definitely apologize for coming off bridezilla.

A little bit, yeah. Your MOH might be a bit of the problem. A lot of MOHs plan the whole party without asking about budgets and then invoice everyone for something they had no input in. If she wanted to plan the whole thing without input, she needed to be prepared to pay for the whole thing.

I think you're trying to do the right thing but believed all the wedding industry crap about how "good" BMs act. Yes, apologize to your friend and say that you're sorry that what was planned was out of her budget and you really wish she could be a part of things... and to everyone else for the checklist if possible. They'll respect you for it.

lyndausvi

When you have a group of people you will find people of different budgets and different tastes.  It's just life.   There is nothing wrong with not everyone willing and/or able to attend every event.   It's not a reflection of your friendship.  It's just life.

Sure we would love for everyone to go, but it doesn't always work that way.  And in a few years you might find yourself pregnant or having kids or trying to buy a house or whatever and you might be the one who has to back out because of money or just because there is something else going on that day.

Do not take it personally.   If she can't go just be understanding. You might be in her shoes in the future.

Knottie40782841

Thanks @flantastic. I think I'll do that. I'm definitely guilty of getting swept away in wedding stuff but I don't want it to change who I am as a person and a friend, so I'm glad I came here. I just wish I could go back in time and try to reign in this bach party a bit, but unfortunately deposits have already beed paid. 

Knottie40782841

I guess in the past (I've been a BM twice) I have felt pressured to contribute to all these things so I thought it was just kind of what you do and hoped the favor would be returned.

lyndausvi

Knottie40782841 said:

I guess in the past (I've been a BM twice) I have felt pressured to contribute to all these things so I thought it was just kind of what you do and hoped the favor would be returned.

Maybe instead of making people feel as they made you feel,  you can stop the cycle of putting pressure on your friends for spending time and money they might not have in the name of being a BM. 

flantastic

Knottie40782841 said:

I guess in the past (I've been a BM twice) I have felt pressured to contribute to all these things so I thought it was just kind of what you do and hoped the favor would be returned.

Yeah, they shouldn't have pressured you either. I know a lot of friends will want to participate in these things if they can, but often the title of BM gets used as an excuse to make it seem like you're terrible if you can't or don't want to.

And there's a lot of brides who either don't think through that what they're doing is rude, or they just don't feel like they have to care because this is THEIR TIME.

levioosa

Knottie40782841 said:

I guess in the past (I've been a BM twice) I have felt pressured to contribute to all these things so I thought it was just kind of what you do and hoped the favor would be returned.

Exactly.  You felt pressured, and I'm sure your friendship felt strained at that time.  Sometimes friendships never recover.  I know I had a friendship that didn't. 

Since this apparently isn't MUD, I'll answer.

Your BMs are supposed to be your nearest and dearest.  They are guests of honor.  Would you ask guest of honor to set up, pay for your things, or make your projects?  No, you wouldn't, because you respect them and honor them.  Somehow the monster that is the wedding industry took over and created these arbitrary rules for BMs in order to make themselves more money.  More parties thrown?  More money for them.  More crafts made?  More money for them.  They have no concern for your relationships. 

You love your girls (presumably).  Be a great friend first and foremost.  If people offer to help you with wedding related things, that's awesome, but you shouldn't ask them or demand any help.  Tell them to ignore the lists.  All you need from them is to show up on time, sober, and in good spirits on the day of the wedding. 

You said deposits have been made. It sucks if she can't afford it (especially if the budget was made without consulting her first), but sometimes that's life.  It is terrible to feel pressured into spending more than you can afford.  Apologize for acting like an asshat if you have said anything to her.  There is also nothing wrong with her saying that she would like to attend, but cannot.  Be a friend first.  Everything else will fall into place. 

southernbelle0915

Knottie40782841 said:

The checklist was actually just a way to help them get organized. It listed the responsibilities and a suggested timeline for everything. The other bridesmaids were really grateful for the tips.

Can you please share this document? Probably just copying and pasting would be easiest.

Knottie40782841

Luckily I have not said anything to her. I wouldn't do that. I was just trying to play interference for the BMs who felt slighted.

I'm not going to share the document. It will only lead to more scrutiny after I've already realized that it was not the right thing to do.

flantastic

Knottie40782841 said:

Luckily I have not said anything to her. I wouldn't do that. I was just trying to play interference for the BMs who felt slighted.

I'm not going to share the document. It will only lead to more scrutiny after I've already realized that it was not the right thing to do.

It's not for you. It's so anyone else reading the thread and not posting but who has maybe been considering doing something like this can see exactly why it's not the right thing to do. But you don't have to.

Knottie40782841

I understand that, but I'm actually feeling pretty embarrassed and upset about all this (totally my fault, I know), and I think it's just gonna add salt to the wound. I feel terrible.

levioosa

Knottie40782841 said:

I understand that, but I'm actually feeling pretty embarrassed and upset about all this (totally my fault, I know), and I think it's just gonna add salt to the wound. I feel terrible.

Hey, you've realized the error, so move on from it and don't let it get to you.  Everyone gets lost at some point.  It's better for you to know now and move past it than to act like a total crazy bridezilla and only realize it after the wedding is done. 

I would also let your other BMs know that you are perfectly okay with your one BMs choice not to attend.  Nothing is worse than having a bunch of BMs gang up on one or two girls who can't participate (even if they wanted to).  I have personal experience on that front, and it really sucks. 

floridabride44

Knottie40782841 said:

Luckily I have not said anything to her. I wouldn't do that. I was just trying to play interference for the BMs who felt slighted.

I'm not going to share the document. It will only lead to more scrutiny after I've already realized that it was not the right thing to do.

The reason they feel slighted is because some of them probably feel like they can't afford the bach party either, but felt pressured into saying yes anyway, because you told them it was required. They're probably jealous that your one BM had the guts to stand up for herself and say she couldn't afford it.

If anyone ever asked me to be a BM and then started demanding me to come to events, I would drop out of that wedding party SO FAST. You're lucky you still have bridesmaids at this point. You should apologize profusely and be a better friend in the future. That involves NOT requiring them to have their hair/makeup done for the wedding unless you're paying for it, NOT requiring them to buy certain shoes for the wedding, etc. etc.  Also, when you're buying your bridesmaid gifts, robes that says "bridesmaid" or anything of the sort is bad. Think of what they'll actually want. Google and Pinterest have some shitty ideas. 

floridabride44

Knottie40782841  Don't feel bad! The only thing you can do is nix the bridezilla behavior moving forward. Your friends will appreciate that you've seen the light, and as long as you apologize for the past mistakes, you'll be fine.

sophhabobopha

When someone who is not not my teacher or boss tells me attendance is "requitred" I don't go. Ever. 

Knottie40782841

@hsgator, thanks, I get it. I'm not and have never planned to require hair and makeup. I'm paying for dresses (that they can choose based on color/fabric), they can pick their own shoes, and I already bought their gifts, which are gift cards to their favorite restaurants (wine cellar for the one who likes wine). I tried to keep costs down but I think I went wrong in trying to inspire enthusiasm for the parties and DIY stuff. I'm going to let them know this stuff is definitely NOT expected.

MobKaz

kkcc2015 said:

Calling MUD on this. If not, go read the boards. Someone GIF me a yawn?

antoto

You seem like a really good person who just got swept away in wedding industry BS.  You are not the first and you will not be the last.  I totally had that moment too!  I said some really stupid crap on here about my bridal shower that my AMAZING and thoughtful MOHs planned for me.  I realized I was wrong and felt horrible.  All you can do is move forward with this new knowledge and be an awesome friend.  Give your friend a call and talk to her.  You'll be fine.

southernbelle0915

We've all gotten caught up at some point. And had ideas that sucked. I was really into donating trees to a forest in lieu if favors - SMH. And before I came here I thought the WP had duties.

I definitely respect that you hung with us though. Change your screen name to something recognizable and stick around

LtPowers

YourDogDontKnowSit said:

"Loved" it just for being Marlhy.

theartistformerlyknownas

OP I give you such mad props for sticking around and taking that all in. Seriously. You can stay.

Dreamergirl8812

OP I made some serious mistakes in my wedding planning before I came here. Stick around, lurk, learn, ask questions. Then, when you're a pro, you can help guide the newbies who come here asking about lazy bridesmaids.

Also, please stay away from Wedding Wire, because they will blow smoke up your ass. And that might feel good for a bit but it sucks to get the smell of smoke out of your ass.

plainjane0415

Please stick around, you seem pretty cool. 

slothiegal

I had a snarky response WITH GIFS all typed out, but OP, you seem cool and willing to listen, so away it went.

That doesn't happen often.  Stick around so that I don't regret it!  

rcher912

TBH, I remember seeing on TK that brides should email their BMs a "checklist", too. I don't remember a document exactly, but I might have just not clicked on it. I totally know what OP is talking about.

And OP, I've been in the same situations that you were as a BM - feeling overwhelmed, especially financially, for parties I didn't enjoy much and couldn't really afford. I know exactly where you're coming from.

I'm glad you didn't get mad at everyone. The medicine can be hard to swallow, but we're truly lovely people who want the best for you and your friends!

sophhabobopha

All hail the coolest newbie of all. Seriously.

NowIAmSyp

Good god!

ETA: actually, I take this back.  OP, props to seeing the light  Awesome!

[Deleted User]

I had a snarky response but since OP has seen the light, I take it back.

novella1186

huh... I started reading this expecting a total train wreck follow by a DD. It's kind of awesome (and a pretty damn nice change of pace) to see the OP actually take in the advice, not get offended, and realize some mistakes were made. 

I'm bored with it... but really happy at the same time... lol

OP, don't feel bad. There was stuff that I thought was a great idea too until I joined the boards (I was originally going to do a donation as favors, for example. Yikes). Stick around! You seem to have a great attitude, and this can be a really fun place. 

arrrghmatey

novella1186 said:

huh... I started reading this expecting a total train wreck follow by a DD. It's kind of awesome (and a pretty damn nice change of pace) to see the OP actually take in the advice, not get offended, and realize some mistakes were made. 

I'm bored with it... but really happy at the same time... lol

OP, don't feel bad. There was stuff that I thought was a great idea too until I joined the boards (I was originally going to do a donation as favors, for example. Yikes). Stick around! You seem to have a great attitude, and this can be a really fun place. 

Ditto on that. When I first got here, I thought it was a great idea to state on the invitations that no gusts under 18 would be accommodated. Boy, did I get my ass handed to me on that one. But I learned and took a different approach.

Stick around, girl. You may find yourself in the position to help keep someone else from making a mistake.

Edit: *guests, not gusts. Although no gusts above 5mph will be allowed, either.