Lazy bridesmaid

Knottie40782841

I'm getting married in July and my MOH has been wonderful. She is planning a great beach getaway for my bachelorette party and she is also throwing a shower. The problem is, one of my bridesmaids is being very difficult about participating in these events, which she knew ahead of time is required, I even sent a checklist soon after she agreed to be a bridesmaid because I know she can be a little flaky. Anyway, the hotel we booked for the bach party has been booked and now my MOH needs deposit money from the rest of the BMs. She is the only one saying she can't afford it! Which brings the cost up for everyone else. It sucks because I really want to have her there, but if she can't contribute like the other girls, then it's not fair for her to come along. I don't know what to do. I would feel awful asking her to step down, but it's really not fair to the other girls when they are pulling their weight. Also, she might not be able to come to the shower due to a work conference. Nothing I can do about that I guess. What should I do?!? Should I ask for her for more help with some DIY things so the responsibilities get spread a little more evenly? Thank you so much for any advise!

kkcc2015

Calling MUD on this.

If not, go read the boards.

Someone GIF me a yawn?

flantastic

Knottie40782841 said:

I'm getting married in July and my MOH has been wonderful. She is planning a great beach getaway for my bachelorette party and she is also throwing a shower. The problem is, one of my bridesmaids is being very difficult about participating in these events, which she knew ahead of time is required, I even sent a checklist soon after she agreed to be a bridesmaid because I know she can be a little flaky. Anyway, the hotel we booked for the bach party has been booked and now my MOH needs deposit money from the rest of the BMs. She is the only one saying she can't afford it! Which brings the cost up for everyone else. It sucks because I really want to have her there, but if she can't contribute like the other girls, then it's not fair for her to come along. I don't know what to do. I would feel awful asking her to step down, but it's really not fair to the other girls when they are pulling their weight. Also, she might not be able to come to the shower due to a work conference. Nothing I can do about that I guess. What should I do?!? Should I ask for her for more help with some DIY things so the responsibilities get spread a little more evenly? Thank you so much for any advise!

There are too many things wrong with your attitude for this to be real.

lyndausvi

So you are going to kick out a BM because she can't afford an OOT b-party.

Wow, aren't you a peach.

I was in a wedding once. I didn't attend the b-party or shower.  I showed up 3 days before the wedding to the seamstress  to get have my dress hemmed.  A dress that I had not even tired on yet.   

Know what?  We are still good friends.  I wasn't lazy.  I just could not afford to attend the OOT events. As far as the dress, well I was being practical.  Shipping the dress to where I was, getting it hemmed and getting back to the wedding would have been a nightmare.   

levioosa

MUD.  You just threw everything wrong into one post. 

YourDogDontKnowSit

floridabride44

Knottie40782841 said:

I'm getting married in July and my MOH has been wonderful. She is planning a great beach getaway for my bachelorette party and she is also throwing a shower. The problem is, one of my bridesmaids is being very difficult about participating in these events, which she knew ahead of time is required, I even sent a checklist soon after she agreed to be a bridesmaid because I know she can be a little flaky. Anyway, the hotel we booked for the bach party has been booked and now my MOH needs deposit money from the rest of the BMs. She is the only one saying she can't afford it! Which brings the cost up for everyone else. It sucks because I really want to have her there, but if she can't contribute like the other girls, then it's not fair for her to come along. I don't know what to do. I would feel awful asking her to step down, but it's really not fair to the other girls when they are pulling their weight. Also, she might not be able to come to the shower due to a work conference. Nothing I can do about that I guess. What should I do?!? Should I ask for her for more help with some DIY things so the responsibilities get spread a little more evenly? Thank you so much for any advise!

I stopped reading at the bolded.

arrrghmatey

…………

I'm not even going to waste my time on a reply to this one.

drunkenwitch

I was enjoying the drama all over boards up until now. Now I just want to rock back and forth while sobbing and murmuring "it won't stop, why won't it stop".

photokitty

I think this is payback for trolling WW earlier this week - they all made accounts and are slinging MUD to prove something - not sure what, other than how wrong and rude they can be in fictitious made up scenarios. 

Knottie40782841

@lyndausvi I can understand that, but she is not out of town. We are only one hour away from the beach. Maybe I can ask her to come for the dinner and such without spending the night in the hotel?

Re-reading my response, I realize I was a little heated! I don't want to kick her out, as I said in my post, but the main problem is that I don't want to other BMs to feel like they are doing so much while she is not really contributing. I just want things to be fair. I really do love her and would never kick her out.

Knottie40782841

I'm sorry if it seems like I'm putting drama on the boards. This is not what I intend. Just looking for advise to make sure things are fair for the bridesmaids.

lyndausvi

Knottie40782841 said:

@lyndausvi I can understand that, but she is not out of town. We are only one hour away from the beach. Maybe I can ask her to come for the dinner and such without spending the night in the hotel?

Re-reading my response, I realize I was a little heated! I don't want to kick her out, as I said in my post, but the main problem is that I don't want to other BMs to feel like they are doing so much while she is not really contributing. I just want things to be fair. I really do love her and would never kick her out.

It doesn't matter.  If she can't afford it, then she can't afford it.   

This is EXACTLY why I HATE OOT b-parties.  They end up more stress then the are worth.   

And frankly the girls who get married last almost never get the same b-party because all the married girls have families by then and can't get away.

floridabride44

Knottie40782841 said: @lyndausvi I can understand that, but she is not out of town. We are only one hour away from the beach. Maybe I can ask her to come for the dinner and such without spending the night in the hotel?
Re-reading my response, I realize I was a little heated! I don't want to kick her out, as I said in my post, but the main problem is that I don't want to other BMs to feel like they are doing so much while she is not really contributing. I just want things to be fair. I really do love her and would never kick her out.

***DAMNIT BOXES ARE KILLING ME TODAY***

What do you mean by "contributing"? If the other BMs are voluntarily coming to your bachelorette party, they can't be mad that this girl isn't. I was at an OOT bachelorette party this weekend, and 3 of her BMs couldn't make it. I felt sad for them that they were missing out on the fun, but it didn't make me pissed at them for "not contributing". People have lives and jobs and bills and not everybody can afford the same stuff. 

You need more doses of reality than I think even TK can provide. 

Knottie40782841

@lyndausvi thanks for your response. It's nice to have perspective outside of my little circle. I don't want her to feel pressured. Honestly, if I knew ahead of time it would be a problem, I would have encouraged my MOH to plan something cheap in town, for just a night, but she made sure the weekend was clear for me then planned this as a surprise and didn't tell me until she complained about the one bridesmaid. I realize how awful that sounds, and I guess I just feel bad that some people are forking over money and others aren't.

Knottie40782841

@hsgator by contributing I mean chipping in for all the wedding stuff (bach party and shower). Of course I'm not forcing them to come, but I figured as BMs they would be there, but then everything got ruined with this extravagent event I guess.

floridabride44

Knottie40782841 You told your BMs that certain events were required. You sent a checklist when they agreed to be bridesmaids. How on EARTH can you say you don't want her to feel pressured? You are the one that put the pressure on in the first place. Bachelorette parties can never ever ever ever be required. Ever. 

arrrghmatey

Okay, I just have to now….

Your bridesmaids don't HAVE TO do anything other than show up on your wedding day in a dress. Sending out a checklist was a Bridezilla move to make. Did you check with their budgets beforehand? If your one bridesmaid decides can't afford to--or not want to--attend all of the pre-wedding events, then she has every right not to attend. Your bridesmaids are adults. Grown women. Not children or slaves that you can boss around.

You picked her to be a bridesmaid for a reason: she's your friend. To ask her to step down would be a terrible thing for you to do and would be a friend-ending move.

If you want things to be fair, then understand that she can't attend the bachelorette party. Again, your bridesmaids aren't required to attend any other functions besides the wedding.

Knottie40782841

The checklist was actually just a way to help them get organized. It listed the responsibilities and a suggested timeline for everything. The other bridesmaids were really grateful for the tips.

redoryx

You can't "require" participation at events. Like, that's seriously crazy. And checklist? The only thing a BM needs to check off is getting their dress and showing up at the wedding relatively sober. THAT'S IT. 

Did the MOH clear the budget with everyone before booking anything or did she just go ahead and book it and then turn around and say "You all owe me $X," because that's REALLY REALLY not cool.

Your bridesmaids are your friends, the friends you want to honor. They are not your brideslaves and should not be helping with any wedding planning or DIY projects or any of that unless they offered. If you need help, get your FI, that's why he is there. 

Knottie40782841

Actually @arrrghmatey, there are certain things BMs are expected to do besides show up. Just google bridesmaid responsibilities and you will see. I get that budgets play a role, but I feel like my hands were tied in this party planning stuff, since it wasn't my job to plan it.

lyndausvi

The best gift I gave that same bride was run interference when it came to her mom.  Her mom was cray-cray.  At 6:30am the morning of mom called our hotel room (I stayed with the bride that night) so excited.  The bride was still asleep and I knew she wanted to sleep in and relax.  Her mom is anything BUT relaxing.   

Without thinking twice I asked her mom to go to breakfast with me.  Mom thought it was a great idea.  I spent the next 2 hours BSing with the mom so the bride could just relax.   The bride never asked this of me.  I did it completely on my own.  I didn't even tell her I was going.  I snuck out of the room.

When I returned a few hours later and told the bride where I was she gave me the biggest hug for (1) keeping her mom away from her and (2) letting her sleep in.

See that is what a good friend does.  It's not how many programs they fold or how many events they attend while going broke.   Nope, it's being there when they really needed you.    Sure it would be nice if she could go to the b-party, but it's not a true need. And certainly not a need she needs to go broke over.

  Sorrynotsorry.

flantastic

Here's the thing. Nothing is required of your BMs except to get the dress that you agree upon within their budget, and show up at the wedding. That is the case because the point of asking someone to be a BM is because you want to honor your relationship with her, not add extra responsibilities to her life.

Your MOH didn't have to plan a shower or bachelorette. Only the people who specifically offer to throw a party, without pressure from you, are required to "chip in" to pay for it. It's very nice that she offered to do so. Your BMs didn't have to come to either thing, and they aren't responsible for any of your DIY - that's your and your fiance's choice and therefore your responsibility and no one else's. It's great that everyone else is willing to participate in your bachelorette. She can't. That's okay. She doesn't have to. Neither does anyone else.

floridabride44

Right, but the problem is there are no responsibilities besides showing up to the wedding, in the dress (a dress that is within the BMs budget, which you should ask ahead of time individually and privately) and relatively in good spirits and sober. 

There are no responsibilities of being a bridesmaid besides that. That should have been a pretty short checklist. 

500days

Knottie40782841 said: The checklist was actually just a way to help them get organized. It listed the responsibilities and a suggested timeline for everything. The other bridesmaids were really grateful for the tips.
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BUT they aren't your workers/slaves!!! They are your friends and if they offer to help that's fine- but you don't tell them what to do!

flantastic

Knottie40782841 said:

Actually @arrrghmatey, there are certain things BMs are expected to do besides show up. Just google bridesmaid responsibilities and you will see. I get that budgets play a role, but I feel like my hands were tied in this party planning stuff, since it wasn't my job to plan it.

There is a lot of bad advice out there. Google is not the be-all end-all for how not to be an entitled ass to your friends.

Knottie40782841

Ugh now I'm afraid I've gone about this all wrong. I was actually looking at this website for organization tips and that's when I found the checklist. I did tell them not to blow their budgets, but that I would be grateful for anything they could afford. I am actually paying for their dresses to keep costs down, which is part of the reason I was hopeful that they could participate in the parties. Again, I didn't plan for it to be extravagant. I really don't want to ruin my friendships. I will definitely apologize for coming off bridezilla.

floridabride44

Knottie40782841 said:

Actually @arrrghmatey, there are certain things BMs are expected to do besides show up. Just google bridesmaid responsibilities and you will see. I get that budgets play a role, but I feel like my hands were tied in this party planning stuff, since it wasn't my job to plan it.

arrrghmatey

Knottie40782841 said:

Actually @arrrghmatey, there are certain things BMs are expected to do besides show up. Just google bridesmaid responsibilities and you will see. I get that budgets play a role, but I feel like my hands were tied in this party planning stuff, since it wasn't my job to plan it.

Actually, those check-lists are written by people in the wedding industry that make money off of misinformed and gullible brides. Those do not take into account etiquette which is what this board is for. What you are doing is against etiquette, not to mention against being a good friend. If you want to keep your friends once your wedding is over, I suggest you throw out everything you're doing as described in your OP.

mlg78

Do you mind sharing this checklist with us? I think it would be helpful to review...

AddieCake

Well, if it's on Google, it must be a law.