Should we ask the groom's sister to be a bridesmaid or groomswoman?

Knottie72758814

My fiance only has one sister who is 5 years younger than him.  Initially,she had some struggles with him spending more time with me vs her when we were first dating, but I feel like we have all totally gotten past this since (my fiance and I have been together for several years now). I love her very much and want her to be involved in the wedding.  I have 2 sisters (no brothers) and since she has no sisters, she has always made a big deal about me being her 'sister'.  I do get the sense that she wants more from our relationship some times, but I am a bit introverted and therefore not the best at cultivating the relationship (and she is a bit shy in some ways too).

Now that my fiance and I are moving forward with our relationship and getting married, I want to use this opportunity to express that she is important to us.

So our wedding party.... right now I am thinking my 3 close friends, my 2 sisters, and my fiance's sister.  However, he has 4 groomsmen that he wants. I know uneven numbers in a wedding party is fine, but I like the symmetry of even 5/5, 6/6 (or even-ish 4/5) numbers (not 4/6). 

SO we are considering asking if she wants to be on the grooms side.

However, I do not want to hurt her feelings or make her think I don't want her as a 'sister' or anything like that.  She has also been historically a bit of a tomboy and has struggled with her weight and self-confidence, so I don't want her to feel uncomfortable from that point of view either.  Plus she would be the only girl on the grooms side (and there wouldn't be men on the brides side either).

Thoughts?? Advice?

Thanks!!!

L

southernbelle0915

1) sides don't need to be even
2) sides can be mixed gender

If he wants her to be in the wedding she should stand on his side. If you want to ask her, fine. But just because she's his sister doesn't mean either of you have to ask her to be anything other than a guest.

manateehugger

Knottie72758814 said:

My fiance only has one sister who is 5 years younger than him.  Initially,she had some struggles with him spending more time with me vs her when we were first dating, but I feel like we have all totally gotten past this since (my fiance and I have been together for several years now). I love her very much and want her to be involved in the wedding.  I have 2 sisters (no brothers) and since she has no sisters, she has always made a big deal about me being her 'sister'.  I do get the sense that she wants more from our relationship some times, but I am a bit introverted and therefore not the best at cultivating the relationship (and she is a bit shy in some ways too).

Now that my fiance and I are moving forward with our relationship and getting married, I want to use this opportunity to express that she is important to us.

So our wedding party.... right now I am thinking my 3 close friends, my 2 sisters, and my fiance's sister.  However, he has 4 groomsmen that he wants. I know uneven numbers in a wedding party is fine, but I like the symmetry of even 5/5, 6/6 (or even-ish 4/5) numbers (not 4/6). 

SO we are considering asking if she wants to be on the grooms side.

However, I do not want to hurt her feelings or make her think I don't want her as a 'sister' or anything like that.  She has also been historically a bit of a tomboy and has struggled with her weight and self-confidence, so I don't want her to feel uncomfortable from that point of view either.  Plus she would be the only girl on the grooms side (and there wouldn't be men on the brides side either).

Thoughts?? Advice?

Thanks!!!

L

Please, for the love of all that is holy, let the "symmetry" go and send the need to make sure all the vaginas and penises are separate side with it. It will not matter. Three of our groomsmen were deployed during our wedding, so we ended up 4-6 - it was perfectly fine. You can't even tell in pictures unless you start counting because of how our photographer staged everyone. Let.it.go.

It doesn't sound like you two are all that close while your FI and her are close, so initially I'd say she stand on his side. What does your FI think? You could both bring it up with her and say that you'd love to have her in the wedding party, but want her to stand where she feels most comfortable.  

JCbride2015

Knottie72758814 said:

My fiance only has one sister who is 5 years younger than him.  Initially,she had some struggles with him spending more time with me vs her when we were first dating, but I feel like we have all totally gotten past this since (my fiance and I have been together for several years now). I love her very much and want her to be involved in the wedding.  I have 2 sisters (no brothers) and since she has no sisters, she has always made a big deal about me being her 'sister'.  I do get the sense that she wants more from our relationship some times, but I am a bit introverted and therefore not the best at cultivating the relationship (and she is a bit shy in some ways too).

Now that my fiance and I are moving forward with our relationship and getting married, I want to use this opportunity to express that she is important to us.

So our wedding party.... right now I am thinking my 3 close friends, my 2 sisters, and my fiance's sister.  However, he has 4 groomsmen that he wants. I know uneven numbers in a wedding party is fine, but I like the symmetry of even 5/5, 6/6 (or even-ish 4/5) numbers (not 4/6). 

SO we are considering asking if she wants to be on the grooms side.

However, I do not want to hurt her feelings or make her think I don't want her as a 'sister' or anything like that.  She has also been historically a bit of a tomboy and has struggled with her weight and self-confidence, so I don't want her to feel uncomfortable from that point of view either.  Plus she would be the only girl on the grooms side (and there wouldn't be men on the brides side either).

Thoughts?? Advice?

Thanks!!!

L

Oh God, do NOT make decisions for this reason.  You are moving people around based on how they will look in pictures, seriously.  That's not a good reason.

It sounds like you think she is expecting to be a BM and will be offended if she is asked to be on the groom's side.  Honestly if you think that's even a little bit true, choose the option that will honor her the most and make her feel comfortable.

With that said, it's totally fine to have mixed gender bridal parties.  Our bridal party is mixed gender.  But for one of Fi's cousins who really likes to feel like "one of the girls" and is very traditional, we asked her to be a BM (not GM) even though she's closer with Fi and is really "his" attendant.  She is the kind of woman who would think it was weird to be a GM, so we went the more traditional route for her.  I think you have to know your family/ friends and do what will make them feel honored.

Knottie72758814

1. I don't care that much about the even numbers, but I'd prefer them to be closer (personal preference... I get that you all don't agree). And it is not a pictures thing. 
2. I don't care about the mixed gender (I like it in fact), but I am concerned that the future sis-in-law might not like it or feel the same way that I do.  So that is the part I'm seeking advice on.  

I appreciate the legitimate advice on doing what will honour her the most (as we love and care about her and want her to be a part of the wedding, not just a guest...).

My initial feeling was to ask her to be in the wedding party, see how she felt about being on the grooms side and if not, invite her to be on the brides side (so thanks for the re-enforcement of this plan).

Thanks for the responses. and the gifs.

L

manateehugger

What's the reason for the preference on even numbers?

Knottie72758814

I think it's mostly that nearly everyone at your wedding should be very close to you in the sense that they could all be people you want to witness and support you in your wedding/marriage.  We have a ton a friends and family that we are close with.  And in that sense, we have a somewhat unending possibility of wedding party candidates so-to-speak. I think we have to cut it off somewhere and most people expect even numbers, so there is less room for offence (ex. leaving 2 'spots' open).  Which, for the record, I think is a dumb attitude to have!  But sometimes people have silly ideas and get offended over dumb things. But I still love them.
Alternatively (and for some of these reasons), we are also strongly considering not having a wedding party at all.  But I think my fiance would be a little disappointed with this option since he is more traditional.

L

mlg78

This isn't up to you, it's up to the groom. He chooses his side, you choose yours.  He can have his sister stand on his side and should he choose not to, you can if you'd like...but you're under no obligation.

levioosa

Knottie72758814 said:

I think it's mostly that nearly everyone at your wedding should be very close to you in the sense that they could all be people you want to witness and support you in your wedding/marriage.  We have a ton a friends and family that we are close with.  And in that sense, we have a somewhat unending possibility of wedding party candidates so-to-speak. I think we have to cut it off somewhere and most people expect even numbers, so there is less room for offence (ex. leaving 2 'spots' open).  Which, for the record, I think is a dumb attitude to have!  But sometimes people have silly ideas and get offended over dumb things. But I still love them.
Alternatively (and for some of these reasons), we are also strongly considering not having a wedding party at all.  But I think my fiance would be a little disappointed with this option since he is more traditional.

L

WTF?  No one thinks that.  

You know what people DO ACTUALLY THINK?

"Oh hey, those are the people she's closest to.  Awesome!  Oh look, those are the people he's closest to.  Awesome!"

That's freaking it.  No one is sitting there going, "Oh my, two open spots?!  Let me clutch my pearls and wonder who she could have had instead!"  

Who would you call to bury a body at 3 am?  Who would your FI chose?  Did you think of who you'd call?  Good, now pick those people.  Ask your FI ask himself the same question and he can pick the people he thought of.  FFS, it's not that difficult.  Gender and "symmetry" DO NOT MATTER.  

You know what does matter?  Hurting those you care about because you worry about the inane possibility that someone might wonder why "two spots are open."  

mlg78

These aren't "spots" open!  You don't have "wedding party candidates"!  These are friends and family members you love dearly who you want standing up beside you on one of the most important days of your lives.  Stop making it sound like you're filling a job...because it's not.

augsum15

Even sides don't matter, I have 4 BM's, fiance has 5 GM. I asked his sister to be one of my bridesmaids because it was important to me as I wanted the chance to get closer with her, and she's been (voluntarily) very helpful with me on various wedding stuff. My fiance asked my brother to be a groomsman. It was important to both of us to include our siblings, my sister and brother and his sister. So ultimately it's up to the 2 of you to decide who you each want. If you'd like her to be a BM and your fiance agrees he'd like her in the WP, then ask her- she'll say yes or no. 

ashley8918

Knottie72758814 said:

1. I don't care that much about the even numbers, but I'd prefer them to be closer (personal preference... I get that you all don't agree). And it is not a pictures thing. 
2. I don't care about the mixed gender (I like it in fact), but I am concerned that the future sis-in-law might not like it or feel the same way that I do.  So that is the part I'm seeking advice on.  

I appreciate the legitimate advice on doing what will honour her the most (as we love and care about her and want her to be a part of the wedding, not just a guest...).

My initial feeling was to ask her to be in the wedding party, see how she felt about being on the grooms side and if not, invite her to be on the brides side (so thanks for the re-enforcement of this plan).

Thanks for the responses. and the gifs.

L

No? Then what is it? Literally the only reason for giving a fuck is for appearances (i.e. it "looking good" in pictures) This is dumb.