Well this just sucks (vent)

blabla89

FI and I had plans to go to the shooting range and out to dinner today to celebrate his birthday, which is next weekend. Last night, in a completely unrelated conversation, it came up that I get the impression he's not so interested in spending time together lately. At that point he told me he didn't want to go to the range anymore, and I felt like he said it just to spite me. I asked him if we was sure and he said again that he didn't want to. This morning when I texted him, he was being short with me, and it was clear that he didn't want to talk so I left him alone. Mid-afternoon I asked again if he wanted to go to the range, but he said no because he was out doing other things. I asked if I could still take him to dinner, no response. I called him a while later just to check in and didn't get an answer, so I assumed he was busy doing something. A couple hours later he texted me back asking what I wanted, and I said just to see what he was up to and how his day was. He sent me a text back about how he didn't sleep last night and he was devastated that I had bailed on his birthday, and how dare I ask how his day went. I was so mad (at both him and myself) that I wanted to scream but I just wrote, You told me you didn't want to go to the range. His response back just said "Goodbye". I gave it a little time and then called to apologize, because I felt so bad about his birthday, and he rejected.

This is beyond shitty. FI has been freezing me out all day, won't talk to me at all now, and I don't know how much longer this is going to go on for. I feel terrible about ruining his birthday but also frustrated that he's putting all the blame for it on me. I just want him to know that I'm sorry and I want to make it up to him, but I don't know when he'll be ready to speak to me again. All my closest friends are also friends with FI so there's no one I can really talk to IRL. Send me some hugs and wine and knottie strength, please.

rcher912

aww, honey, you didn't ruin his birthday, he did. He did say he didn't want to go.

Either way, I hope you two can have a calm, honest conversation and soon. This is no way to handle conflict

Sending hugs your way. I hope he comes around soon.

ohannabelle

blabla89 said:

FI and I had plans to go to the shooting range and out to dinner today to celebrate his birthday, which is next weekend. Last night, in a completely unrelated conversation, it came up that I get the impression he's not so interested in spending time together lately. At that point he told me he didn't want to go to the range anymore, and I felt like he said it just to spite me. I asked him if we was sure and he said again that he didn't want to. This morning when I texted him, he was being short with me, and it was clear that he didn't want to talk so I left him alone. Mid-afternoon I asked again if he wanted to go to the range, but he said no because he was out doing other things. I asked if I could still take him to dinner, no response. I called him a while later just to check in and didn't get an answer, so I assumed he was busy doing something. A couple hours later he texted me back asking what I wanted, and I said just to see what he was up to and how his day was. He sent me a text back about how he didn't sleep last night and he was devastated that I had bailed on his birthday, and how dare I ask how his day went. I was so mad (at both him and myself) that I wanted to scream but I just wrote, You told me you didn't want to go to the range. His response back just said "Goodbye". I gave it a little time and then called to apologize, because I felt so bad about his birthday, and he rejected.

This is beyond shitty. FI has been freezing me out all day, won't talk to me at all now, and I don't know how much longer this is going to go on for. I feel terrible about ruining his birthday but also frustrated that he's putting all the blame for it on me. I just want him to know that I'm sorry and I want to make it up to him, but I don't know when he'll be ready to speak to me again. All my closest friends are also friends with FI so there's no one I can really talk to IRL. Send me some hugs and wine and knottie strength, please.

First, huge hugs. 

Second, look at the bolded. Stop taking responsibility and apologizing for someone else's crappy behavior. Unless you left a giant part of the story out, you did nothing wrong, and have nothing to feel bad about.

For whatever reason, he ruined his own birthday, and wants to be mad at you. 

Not adult behavior, not acceptable behavior. Don't play into that game. 

OliveOilsMom

He screwed up his own birthday.  You tried to speak to him about a problem you thought was happening in your relationship, which is how relationships should work.  He responded by pulling farther away.  I wouldn't be giving him much sympathy in this situation.

You need to have a calm conversation with him.  Your conversation the day before about the amount of time you spend together should have had nothing to do with his birthday.  He made the two issues into one.

luckya23

Why on earth are you mad at yourself??

I dated a person who acted like this, and let's just say it didn't end well. 

I hope you can see that it isn't you, either.

I'm very sorry you're dealing with this :-(

lyndausvi

I feel like there is more to this story.

If not your FI is acting like an immature brat.

manateehugger

So his response to your concern about investing time in your relationship is to revert to middle school drama? WTF - that is so immature and dismissive of your feelings. You are engaged; you should be able to address concerns about your relationship.

He ruined his own damn birthday. Let him pout.

buttercup1958

Honestly, I don't like your FI very much. He doesn't seem to have redeeming qualities. I hope YOU feel better though!

kvruns

Hugs to you. Fi and I have some similar communication issues, therapy helped but there are times he gets in his world and no matter what I say it I knowit won't do anything. Continue working on communication tactics is my only advice

levioosa

*Hugs*

Unless there is more to this story, you didn't ruin his birthday.  As adults, we sometimes have to deal with issues that aren't exactly optimally timed.  But you know what?  Working through a relationship issue when it comes up is way more important than shoving it down and celebrating a birthday.  FI needs to get over it.  Are you guys in pre-marital counseling at all?  This seems like a huge communication issue, and you should never feel invalidated in your feelings.  In addition, his response of pulling away and pouting needs to be nipped in the bud.  You work on issues with the person you love.  You don't avoid them.  

blabla89

levioosa said:

*Hugs*

Unless there is more to this story, you didn't ruin his birthday.  As adults, we sometimes have to deal with issues that aren't exactly optimally timed.  But you know what?  Working through a relationship issue when it comes up is way more important than shoving it down and celebrating a birthday.  FI needs to get over it.  Are you guys in pre-marital counseling at all?  This seems like a huge communication issue, and you should never feel invalidated in your feelings.  In addition, his response of pulling away and pouting needs to be nipped in the bud.  You work on issues with the person you love.  You don't avoid them.  

We've been through a long rough patch (and admittedly, I'm not without fault in that) but we've been going to counseling and have gotten a lot better at communicating through it. It felt like we were finally turning the corner, and now we're right back where we started. I initially shared my feelings about his lack of interest last week, and he tried to make it up by sending flowers and offering to come down to where I live to go out for valentine's day. I suspect that he was upset with me for bringing it up again last night, so I guess that's the "more to the story" part.

lyndausvi

His birthday is NEXT WEEKEND.   How can you ruin something that hasn't even occurred yet?

Answer - you can't.

Sure you had plans to celebrate this weekend and they got messed up, but his birthday hasn't arrived yet.  Still time to do something.

Not that I think you should go through hopes with his current attitude.  

buttercup1958

blabla89  The flowers and taking you out is all well and good but it still doesn't change my mind that your FI kinda sucks. My ex did those things too "to makeup". It still didn't change the fact that he sucked at communication, blame me for things, and overall had a sucky attitude. I see an eerie resemblance between the two. Sorry for being a downer, but not even all the yellow tulips (my favorite) in the world change will makeup for crappy communication. But I really do hope it gets better for you. BTW I love Mindy Kaling.          

blabla89

Thank you guys for the support, and for the honesty.

The more I think about it I'm just so frustrated. By nature I'm the peacekeeper in our relationship and I tend to just accept things because I don't want to have an argument over them, and I know that isn't always a good thing. I feel the need to tell him that it's unfair for him to put the blame for this on me and that, while I understand his disappointment, I don't think I deserved to be treated like this. The silent treatment is even more upsetting than the blaming. I'm not sure how to go about the conversation or when he'll be willing to talk again, but I guess it has to happen soon. Good vibes and any advice you ladies have would be appreciated.

bethsmiles

Is this typical behavior for you FI or a new behavior? Either way it's completely unacceptable. He's an adult and needs to learn to act like one. You didn't ruin his birthday, if he feels like it was ruined that is 100% on him.

I think you need to be honest with your FI and tell him that when he behaves this way (shutting you out, putting all the blame on you, etc) you feel like you can't talk to him about things you are upset/concerned about. Explain that you want to be able to have open/honest communication with him because that is at the foundation of any healthy relationship but he needs to be willing communicate and listen to your concerns.

Your comment about being the peacekeeper and just accepting things the way they are just to avoid an argument concerns me. This is your relationship, your life. You deserve to be happy and to be able to talk to the person you are going to commit the rest of your life to without him completly shutting you out.

rcher912

It's not uncommon for people who are trying to change their behavior (or who are having their behavior altered, i.e., children) to revert back after change begis - sometimes they're worse for a little while (although, to note, sometimes the change just isn't sticking, that's a possibility).

I just wanted to say that in the hopes that your FI still is willing to work on himself and your relationship, he's just having a moment right now - especially right by his birthday, another day we're all told to be selfish and AW-ish.

blabla89

Well...we talked again. He started by apologizing, and said that he canceled our plans because he feels like he just can't win and because I think he's not giving 100%. He brought up Valentine's Day and the other issues about not seeming interested in spending time together. I tried to lay out why I felt the way I felt about those things, and then how I felt about him blaming today on me. It turned ugly and I finally just told him that I wasn't going to take the blame, wasn't going to talk about it anymore tonight, and turned off my phone. I really can't deal with any more of this tonight. Ugh

lyndausvi

I think you both have some communication issues.

We are only get one side of the story, so it's hard to say what is really going on.  

 Sure he was acting like an ass today,  but at the same time I would get really annoyed at being constantly accused of not spending time together.   There is nothing worse then feeling you can't win.  Sometimes people have different views on this subject and it will never get resolved.   

The flip side, you should be able to express your feeling without your partner turing into an ass.

I think you said you are in therapy already.   Stick to it.   You might be more insecure then you realize and he doesn't know how to deal with it.  He on the other hand needs to learn that moping around and ignoring your partner is not the way to resolve anything. 

rcher912

lyndausvi said:

I think you both have some communication issues.

We are only get one side of the story, so it's hard to say what is really going on.  

 Sure he was acting like an ass today,  but at the same time I would get really annoyed at being constantly accused of not spending time together.   There is nothing worse then feeling you can't win.  Sometimes people have different views on this subject and it will never get resolved.   

The flip side, you should be able to express your feeling without your partner turing into an ass.

I think you said you are in therapy already.   Stick to it.   You might be more insecure then you realize and he doesn't know how to deal with it.  He on the other hand needs to learn that moping around and ignoring your partner is not the way to resolve anything. 

This. Yes.

It sounds like a good effort from both of you tonight, it just didn't work out perfectly. Keep working, though. Take this whole thing to your next appointment!

bethsmiles

In addition to agreeing with PPs that you should stick with the therapy, I would also suggest that you avoid having important discussions over the phone. Face-to-face really is better for these types of conversations. 

lurkergirl

bethsmiles said:

In addition to agreeing with PPs that you should stick with the therapy, I would also suggest that you avoid having important discussions over the phone. Face-to-face really is better for these types of conversations. 

Yes, so much of the bolded.  He is going to be your husband--ignoring your calls and talking on the phone just sounds super high school to me.  I know y'all don't live together, but I think in the future I would insist on face-to-face conversations for big talks.  I mean...what's his plan for once you're actually married and living together?  Will he leave a disappear when he needs "alone" time?  Will he expect you to leave?  IIRC, this isn't the first time he's pulled the "alone time" crap.

500days

I agree with @bethsmiles. Face to face needs to happen with serious conversations like this. Glad to hear that you are both going to therapy. I do wonder though if this is happening now when you are not living together, what will happen when you move in together? Will he leave and go to his parents' house when you have another conflict? Or will he be able to stay and talk it out? What do you think?

manateehugger

Another vote to stick to therapy and to shoot for face-to-face.

Are you long distance? Or just don't live together? H and I are unfortunately long distance pro's, so most of our fights have actually been over the phone. I'd recommend talking to your therapist about ways to help you out when you get tangled up in an argument over the phone.

For us, ignoring phone calls without explanation isn't allowed (during an argument - we miss each other's calls all the time), nor is hanging up on the other without saying something like, "I need to change the subject for now, or be done here." We also always send good morning and good night texts, no matter how mad we are.

Phones make it easier to angrily ignore your partner - think about it, if you lived together, how often would you shove him out of the house or tell him he has to go to another room and can't speak? It would be an awfully big fight, right? 

mrstrevor15

ohannabelle said:

blabla89 said:

FI and I had plans to go to the shooting range and out to dinner today to celebrate his birthday, which is next weekend. Last night, in a completely unrelated conversation, it came up that I get the impression he's not so interested in spending time together lately. At that point he told me he didn't want to go to the range anymore, and I felt like he said it just to spite me. I asked him if we was sure and he said again that he didn't want to. This morning when I texted him, he was being short with me, and it was clear that he didn't want to talk so I left him alone. Mid-afternoon I asked again if he wanted to go to the range, but he said no because he was out doing other things. I asked if I could still take him to dinner, no response. I called him a while later just to check in and didn't get an answer, so I assumed he was busy doing something. A couple hours later he texted me back asking what I wanted, and I said just to see what he was up to and how his day was. He sent me a text back about how he didn't sleep last night and he was devastated that I had bailed on his birthday, and how dare I ask how his day went. I was so mad (at both him and myself) that I wanted to scream but I just wrote, You told me you didn't want to go to the range. His response back just said "Goodbye". I gave it a little time and then called to apologize, because I felt so bad about his birthday, and he rejected.

This is beyond shitty. FI has been freezing me out all day, won't talk to me at all now, and I don't know how much longer this is going to go on for. I feel terrible about ruining his birthday but also frustrated that he's putting all the blame for it on me. I just want him to know that I'm sorry and I want to make it up to him, but I don't know when he'll be ready to speak to me again. All my closest friends are also friends with FI so there's no one I can really talk to IRL. Send me some hugs and wine and knottie strength, please.

First, huge hugs. 

Second, look at the bolded. Stop taking responsibility and apologizing for someone else's crappy behavior. Unless you left a giant part of the story out, you did nothing wrong, and have nothing to feel bad about.

For whatever reason, he ruined his own birthday, and wants to be mad at you. 

Not adult behavior, not acceptable behavior. Don't play into that game. 

Something is missing...

ashley8918

mrstrevor15 said:

ohannabelle said:

blabla89 said:

FI and I had plans to go to the shooting range and out to dinner today to celebrate his birthday, which is next weekend. Last night, in a completely unrelated conversation, it came up that I get the impression he's not so interested in spending time together lately. At that point he told me he didn't want to go to the range anymore, and I felt like he said it just to spite me. I asked him if we was sure and he said again that he didn't want to. This morning when I texted him, he was being short with me, and it was clear that he didn't want to talk so I left him alone. Mid-afternoon I asked again if he wanted to go to the range, but he said no because he was out doing other things. I asked if I could still take him to dinner, no response. I called him a while later just to check in and didn't get an answer, so I assumed he was busy doing something. A couple hours later he texted me back asking what I wanted, and I said just to see what he was up to and how his day was. He sent me a text back about how he didn't sleep last night and he was devastated that I had bailed on his birthday, and how dare I ask how his day went. I was so mad (at both him and myself) that I wanted to scream but I just wrote, You told me you didn't want to go to the range. His response back just said "Goodbye". I gave it a little time and then called to apologize, because I felt so bad about his birthday, and he rejected.

This is beyond shitty. FI has been freezing me out all day, won't talk to me at all now, and I don't know how much longer this is going to go on for. I feel terrible about ruining his birthday but also frustrated that he's putting all the blame for it on me. I just want him to know that I'm sorry and I want to make it up to him, but I don't know when he'll be ready to speak to me again. All my closest friends are also friends with FI so there's no one I can really talk to IRL. Send me some hugs and wine and knottie strength, please.

First, huge hugs. 

Second, look at the bolded. Stop taking responsibility and apologizing for someone else's crappy behavior. Unless you left a giant part of the story out, you did nothing wrong, and have nothing to feel bad about.

For whatever reason, he ruined his own birthday, and wants to be mad at you. 

Not adult behavior, not acceptable behavior. Don't play into that game. 

Something is missing...


-------------

Or he's just an asshole?

ETA Kind of like trolls who use an AE and hope that people will forget what a troll and general rude person they were.

Couggal12

First, I just want to offer you a big internet hug. I'm really sorry you're going through this.

I also agree with continuing counseling and having discussions like this face to face. I think it's really immature of your FI to insist you "ruined" his birthday when you've gone to great lengths to try to make him happy. You deserve to be happy too. It can't be just a one way street and it kind of sounds like you do more to work through your issues than he does.

SBmini

It sounds like you guys have some physical distance between you, yes? That may be causing some miscommunication. But that said- based on what you shared- I don't think you two are ready to get married. You are unable to communicate with one another. You let things slide because you don't want to get in arguments. This is not the basis of a healthy relationship. Getting married won't fix these problems. 

huskypuppy14

ashley8918 said:

ohannabelle said:

blabla89 said:

FI and I had plans to go to the shooting range and out to dinner today to celebrate his birthday, which is next weekend. Last night, in a completely unrelated conversation, it came up that I get the impression he's not so interested in spending time together lately. At that point he told me he didn't want to go to the range anymore, and I felt like he said it just to spite me. I asked him if we was sure and he said again that he didn't want to. This morning when I texted him, he was being short with me, and it was clear that he didn't want to talk so I left him alone. Mid-afternoon I asked again if he wanted to go to the range, but he said no because he was out doing other things. I asked if I could still take him to dinner, no response. I called him a while later just to check in and didn't get an answer, so I assumed he was busy doing something. A couple hours later he texted me back asking what I wanted, and I said just to see what he was up to and how his day was. He sent me a text back about how he didn't sleep last night and he was devastated that I had bailed on his birthday, and how dare I ask how his day went. I was so mad (at both him and myself) that I wanted to scream but I just wrote, You told me you didn't want to go to the range. His response back just said "Goodbye". I gave it a little time and then called to apologize, because I felt so bad about his birthday, and he rejected.

This is beyond shitty. FI has been freezing me out all day, won't talk to me at all now, and I don't know how much longer this is going to go on for. I feel terrible about ruining his birthday but also frustrated that he's putting all the blame for it on me. I just want him to know that I'm sorry and I want to make it up to him, but I don't know when he'll be ready to speak to me again. All my closest friends are also friends with FI so there's no one I can really talk to IRL. Send me some hugs and wine and knottie strength, please.

First, huge hugs. 

Second, look at the bolded. Stop taking responsibility and apologizing for someone else's crappy behavior. Unless you left a giant part of the story out, you did nothing wrong, and have nothing to feel bad about.

For whatever reason, he ruined his own birthday, and wants to be mad at you. 

Not adult behavior, not acceptable behavior. Don't play into that game. 

Something is missing...

------------- Or he's just an asshole?

ETA Kind of like trolls who use an AE and hope that people will forget what a troll and general rude person they were.

I think he's just an asshole. I dated someone like this, thankfully, I never married him. OP, he sounds really immature. 

You feel he doesn't want to spend time with you, and when you bring it up, he turns it back on you? That's not how someone should treat his future wife. Do you want to live the rest of your life like this? 

sophhabobopha

Yeah, Fi sounds like kind of a dick.

novella1186

huskypuppy14 said:

ashley8918 said:

ohannabelle said:

First, huge hugs. 

Second, look at the bolded. Stop taking responsibility and apologizing for someone else's crappy behavior. Unless you left a giant part of the story out, you did nothing wrong, and have nothing to feel bad about.

For whatever reason, he ruined his own birthday, and wants to be mad at you. 

Not adult behavior, not acceptable behavior. Don't play into that game. 

Something is missing...

------------- Or he's just an asshole?

ETA Kind of like trolls who use an AE and hope that people will forget what a troll and general rude person they were.

I think he's just an asshole. I dated someone like this, thankfully, I never married him. OP, he sounds really immature. 

You feel he doesn't want to spend time with you, and when you bring it up, he turns it back on you? That's not how someone should treat his future wife. Do you want to live the rest of your life like this? 

*Edited to collapse giant text tree

I also dated someone like this. Everything was my fault, and I should always feel sorry for him. My only regret was not breaking up with that guy way sooner. Huskypuppy's entire post is exactly what I was thinking.

I feel bad that you're dealing with this. It sounds like you always take the blame for things, even when it's not your fault, and then your FI continues to act like an immature asshole. Blaming you for ruining his birthday? That's ridiculous. And the fact that you were made to feel so bad about it and blame yourself for it just makes it even worse.

From some of your past posts it seems like he doesn't like to compromise. He reminds me of a child and you're his mother; he's going to stomp and pout and make you feel bad unless he gets exactly his way.

Personally, that's not something I could spend my life dealing with. I commend you for sticking it out and trying to work on things, but please remember that sometimes you need to put yourself first, because you deserve to be cared for and be happy, and you do NOT deserve to take 100% of the blame whenever things don't go perfectly his way.

blabla89

FI definitely had an asshole moment, but he's not usually like this. We're not long distance, but he lives out in the suburbs so with traffic and work schedules and whatnot we only see each other in person a few days a week. Our next counseling session was scheduled to be our last one (to complete the counselor's standard PMC program) but I'm going to talk with FI about continuing to go, because I really think it's good for us.

Today FI apologized profusely and said that he thought back over everything yesterday and he understood why I said it, and he was the one who overreacted. We made plans to do birthday dinner later this week, and he made a clear effort to show more interest in spending time together. I'm still smarting from the things he said last night, and we need to have along talk about how that went down, so I'm thinking that may be something we should discuss in counseling. Thank you all again for your encouragement, honesty and wise words. I'm so thankful to be part of this community.

ETA: @novella1186 I think I've mentioned before that I dated a guy who was exactly like that before I met FI. I think that's where some of the self-blaming and avoiding arguments comes from.