Well this just sucks (vent)

Chipmunk415

I know someone who blames another for everything, ranging from some document/item being moved to somehow the other person being responsible for the weather, government screw ups, and at one point, the death of another person from cancer without the other person's knowledge.

The blamer is my Dad. The other person is my Mom. They are still together. While I love both of them dearly, I've voiced to Mom my dislike of Dad's treatment of her when he can't find stuff/has issues with something. She sees where I'm coming from, but won't leave him due to the fact she loves him.

Caveat here: In the case of my Dad, there's a lot of psych issues going on from damage done in his childhood. He also admitted to me one night (when DH and I got a few glasses of wine in him and he dispensed with his usual reserved attitude) how much he loves my mother and can't function without her in his life. Mom is willing to put up with his shit, and while he's not good at saying sorry, he does apologize in other ways. I've made it clear to him that when he's in the wrong I won't tolerate his bullshit, and I feel he respects me more for it. With his additional health issues, my Mom admits she'd feel guilty if she left.

Their situation is a bit different. You need to take a long look at the relationship you have with FI and decide for yourself- is it worth it to have this repetitive behavior for arguably the rest of your lives together? Is this what is best for you? What else will you get out of it?

Sending you hugs, and hope your FI stops acting like an immature douchecanoe.

drunkenwitch

I'll just leave this here. http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting

huskypuppy14

drunkenwitch said:

I'll just leave this here. http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting

I was going to say gaslighting in my post, but it seemed a little too strong for this situation.

drunkenwitch

huskypuppy14 said:

drunkenwitch said:

I'll just leave this here. http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting

I was going to say gaslighting in my post, but it seemed a little too strong for this situation.

Gaslighting occurs on many levels.

cakemurderer

I was married to someone who reacted to conflict like that. Note the past tense. We're no longer married and it's mostly due to this. I'm not saying you should leave him, but that it's something you really need to work on together if your relationship's going to survive. My ex and I went to counseling a few times but it never "stuck" because he wasn't willing or able to change anything about his behavior. He was selfish, stubborn, and had no desire to live in a relationship where compromise is a regular way of life. His thought was, "How much compromising is acceptable before I'm living a life I don't want to live?" We grew apart, because how can you feel close and connected to someone when you can't go to him with issues and instead deal with everything alone? The times that I did bring issues up he wound up in the fetal position on the bed, lying in the dark and giving one word answers so as to avoid having to continue the conversation. There'd be silence from him for the next day or two, with him claiming he needed alone time and that he wasn't ready to talk, and during that time I'd beat myself up for having brought up an issue that would upset him so much. I'd inevitably drop the issue and resolve to just clean the whole house myself rather than risk upsetting him by asking for more help, or I'd find hobbies to occupy my time when he needed five hours of alone time every night to decompress from life even though I desperately missed his company, because to bring that issue up would make him shut me out and ignore me even more. It was a crappy way to live and I wouldn't wish that loneliness and sadness on anyone. I hope you guys continue with your counseling and that both of you figure out a way to communicate and listen to each other in a healthy, adult way. Good luck!

katiekessler123

Wow..I'm sorry to hear about this all.  I know we're only getting one side of the story, but for what it's worth, one of my friends was married to someone that sounds similar to your fiancé.  They are now divorced.  I personally would be fearful if my husband ever shut me out in that way.  Yes, we have disagreements from time to time, but we always talk about them.  I know communication is not easy for everyone, but marriage only exemplifies the problems.  And it's forever.  I would give this all some serious thought.

redoryx

drunkenwitch said:

drunkenwitch said:

I'll just leave this here. http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting

I was going to say gaslighting in my post, but it seemed a little too strong for this situation.

Gaslighting occurs on many levels.

Yes, yes it does. After breaking up with my ex, I said one of the worst things he had done was make me feel crazy and like everything was all in my head regarding a negative situation I knew I was right about but he made me doubt my instincts. 

KatieinBkln

Oof. I'm glad he apologized, but I agree that you should continue going to therapy, with the emphasis this time on finding appropriate coping mechanisms for him (and maybe for you, too) so that he can take a deep breath/go for a run/do literally anything else besides exploding on you when he's feeling upset. 

Basically, it seems like he freaks out and gets in fights with you reactively instead of taking a beat to figure out what's going on and how to speak to you about it in a way that is productive. This is really common when people speak over the phone, I think (I had more fights with FI when we were long-distance for a few months than we've had...ever since), but it is not really the phone's fault. It's the fact that the two of you let your emotions run wild and have fights instead of solving problems. 

Believe me, I get it--when you care about someone it's a lot easier to get upset and emotional. But realizing that, and working on ways to calm down before picking up the phone (or, alternatively, saying "Look, I'm still upset and not ready to talk right now, but I'm not ignoring you" so the other person doesn't feel slighted when you decline their calls) is the hard work you two will need to do so that you can move forward.