Babies and stuff

VulgarGirl

I don't know when exactly I realized I wanted a kid (or more...we'll see how one goes) but I do remember the first time I met real live grown ups who were gay who had a kid not from a previous relationship. It was like the switched turn on that said "Duh Fi, you can have a kid even though you're gay" which I mean yes of course I think I knew that I just hadn't seen it.

Sure my mom had me, but she's bi, and she had me with a dude. The old fashioned way. Drunk and in college. Like the good lord intended. 

At some point I just started thinking about how yeah, I want to be a mom. But I do not under any circumstances want to be pregnant. Those things do not go hand and hand in my book. If my lady didn't want to try out pregnancy, we'd be adopting. If we want more then one we might adopt, again we're just gonna try out one for now and see how that goes.

I'm big on everyone living their lives in the way truest to themselves. So I don't think just because you're a woman, or just because you're married, you should have kids. Not everyone should be a parent. Just like not everyone should be an accountant. There is not wrong with accountants and we need them. But there is also nothing wrong with artists and we need them too. If you don't want to have kids, or you don't want to get married, that's cool. So long as you're doing you and you're happy, rock on.

LakeR2014

Side topic question (simply because I want to know if I'm insane or if other women do this to):

Do you ever think about how you'd tell your family and friends?

Like seriously, I worry about whether or not I should become a parent right now because everytime I think about having a child: my first thought is how I would tell our families.   Not the name, how we'd raise it, how we'd decorate the room, how'd we afford it, etc....it's how we'd tell our f*ing families!!! Like in great detail how we'd tell them by surprise, gift, flowers, etc.

chloe97

LakeR2014 said:

Side topic question (simply because I want to know if I'm insane or if other women do this to):

Do you ever think about how you'd tell your family and friends?

Like seriously, I worry about whether or not I should become a parent right now because everytime I think about having a child: my first thought is how I would tell our families.   Not the name, how we'd raise it, how we'd decorate the room, how'd we afford it, etc....it's how we'd tell our f*ing families!!! Like in great detail how we'd tell them by surprise, gift, flowers, etc.

I actually was just thinking about this this morning. Everyone close to us knows that we will be trying right away and everybody also knows that I like my wine, so I think it's come out really quickly the first event I go to when I pass on the vino. Literally it will go like:

MIL: "Hey Chloe, do you want some wine?"

Me: "No, thank you"

Everyone in the room "OH MY GOD YOU"RE PREGNANT!!"

LakeR2014

chloe97 said:

LakeR2014 said:

Side topic question (simply because I want to know if I'm insane or if other women do this to):

Do you ever think about how you'd tell your family and friends?

Like seriously, I worry about whether or not I should become a parent right now because everytime I think about having a child: my first thought is how I would tell our families.   Not the name, how we'd raise it, how we'd decorate the room, how'd we afford it, etc....it's how we'd tell our f*ing families!!! Like in great detail how we'd tell them by surprise, gift, flowers, etc.

I actually was just thinking about this this morning. Everyone close to us knows that we will be trying right away and everybody also knows that I like my wine, so I think it's come out really quickly the first event I go to when I pass on the vino. Literally it will go like:

MIL: "Hey Chloe, do you want some wine?"

Me: "No, thank you"

Everyone in the room "OH MY GOD YOU"RE PREGNANT!!"

No joke - this exact thing happened to my friend - both times she was pregnant.   I'd be more worried about telling anyone until a certain point - like past 12 weeks, so i'd take some and then slyly get rid of it, or make sure hubs had his own class and be 'refreshing' his often.

amelisha

LakeR2014 said:

Side topic question (simply because I want to know if I'm insane or if other women do this to):

Do you ever think about how you'd tell your family and friends?

Like seriously, I worry about whether or not I should become a parent right now because everytime I think about having a child: my first thought is how I would tell our families.   Not the name, how we'd raise it, how we'd decorate the room, how'd we afford it, etc....it's how we'd tell our f*ing families!!! Like in great detail how we'd tell them by surprise, gift, flowers, etc.

I can honestly say this has never occurred to me before this moment. I'm not big on fanfare, though, so if I ever get pregnant I guess we'd just call the parents and tell them at the appropriate time.

I have worried a bit about getting pregnant and having everyone know instantly, though, because I'm shortish, small-framed, very short-waisted, and pretty slim, so I have a fear that I will look pregnant very early as I know there's nowhere much to hide that.

chloe97

LakeR2014 said:

LakeR2014 said:

Side topic question (simply because I want to know if I'm insane or if other women do this to):

Do you ever think about how you'd tell your family and friends?

Like seriously, I worry about whether or not I should become a parent right now because everytime I think about having a child: my first thought is how I would tell our families.   Not the name, how we'd raise it, how we'd decorate the room, how'd we afford it, etc....it's how we'd tell our f*ing families!!! Like in great detail how we'd tell them by surprise, gift, flowers, etc.

I actually was just thinking about this this morning. Everyone close to us knows that we will be trying right away and everybody also knows that I like my wine, so I think it's come out really quickly the first event I go to when I pass on the vino. Literally it will go like:

MIL: "Hey Chloe, do you want some wine?"

Me: "No, thank you"

Everyone in the room "OH MY GOD YOU"RE PREGNANT!!"

No joke - this exact thing happened to my friend - both times she was pregnant.   I'd be more worried about telling anyone until a certain point - like past 12 weeks, so i'd take some and then slyly get rid of it, or make sure hubs had his own class and be 'refreshing' his often.


Agreed, I am not going to tell people until at least 12 weeks, but we see FI family a few times a month they will be watching me like a hawk for signs (it will be their first grandchild). I figure we will tell them and swear them to absolute secrecy and then of course my own parents. That is it.

FiancB

LakeR2014 said:

Side topic question (simply because I want to know if I'm insane or if other women do this to):

Do you ever think about how you'd tell your family and friends?

Like seriously, I worry about whether or not I should become a parent right now because everytime I think about having a child: my first thought is how I would tell our families.   Not the name, how we'd raise it, how we'd decorate the room, how'd we afford it, etc....it's how we'd tell our f*ing families!!! Like in great detail how we'd tell them by surprise, gift, flowers, etc.

I thought about this a lot, actually. I dabble in photography, so it isn't unusual for me to ask H to let me take pictures of him so I can try things out, much to his annoyance. I think I will do this to H after I get a BFP but really have my camera on video and then tell him so I catch it on video. Then we can do the same thing to his parents. I think they'd like that. H kinda hates surprises but I can't resist pulling one for something like that. 

My parents are emotionally constipated people so it'll be like *ring ring* "what do you want?" "I'm pregnant" "oh, that's nice. See you next summer". Then my mom will send me lots of books about raising my kids Catholic. 

twoleighs

In my teens and early 20s, I absolutely refused to get married and have kids.  (this was as soon after I heard the phrase "girls marry men like their fathers...) I didn't really care if anyone *wanted* me to do anything.  It wasn't happening.

Shortly after FI and I started dating, I started to realize that the marriage thing would be pretty awesome (and he's like my step-dad, nothing like my dad).  

We went back and forth on having kids, and ultimately decided against it.  While I wouldn't mind having a kid with him, we both want to be able to be selfish with our time.  And we did agree that if we had kids, one of us was staying home and neither of us wants to stay home, we love our jobs!

We talked to his Mom and my Mom to clear the air about grandchildren and they both said if that's how we felt then please don't have children.

So we don't feel like we're "required" at least by our families which is a huge relief.  We also both have younger sisters that want to be mommys, so that helps  

As far as personally feeling like I'm supposed to have kids: nopenopenope.  A lot of my friends are having their second kid and I'm just...eh....

Blergbot

I always wanted to have kids, but ever since I was a teenager I wanted to adopt. Then, at around 30, a mild desire to be pregnant/have a biological child kicked in. It wasn't some overwhelming feeling or the flip of a switch. 

When I met H, when I was 31, he didn't want kids, though he said it wasn't completely out of the question. He was more open to adoption, but domestic adoption is notoriously difficult, and international adoption starts at around 25k. I was very sad at the idea of not having kids, but I was willing to give that up if H was dead set against it. I did feel pangs of jealousy when friends or acquaintances would get pregnant, but it was still an abstract idea. 

Then, 4 months before our wedding, I got pregnant. H quickly got on board with the idea. Being a mom is still weird to me (it has only been a week!), especially since Baby is in the NICU. My life has completely changed--even more than expected, what with being at the hospital 10 hours a day. But, for me, it's all worth it. 

The biggest surprise (not to me, but to H, since I knew he would love being a dad) is how head over heels H is for our little guy. He never wanted kids, and even when I was pregnant, he expected to love the kid, but for those feelings to grow over time. Now he's the dad who thinks he has the cutest baby in the world and is constantly professing his love for him. Parenting isn't for everyone, but that's my story. Hope that helps!

redoryx

8th grade I declared I'd never have children. Of course, over the years I'd heard "You'll change your mind" or "what if the man you marries wants kids?" (Answer: I wouldn't be marrying a man like that and I've ended relationships when that was a deal breaker)

Now that I have gotten older I wouldn't say I've changed my mind, but seeing my friends' kids I can certainly see the appeal to children. But having them myself? Ehhhhhh. I'm happy to baby sit and happy to hand them back. When the SO brought it up and we had that conversation we realized we pretty much are on the same page of "Maybe, maybe not. Either way we're good and it's not a big rush." 

His mother on the other hand is all "Well, Red is 33 and you're 32 and if she's on the pill it might take time to get cycle back and ..." ...... AND WE'RE NOT EVEN ENGAGED. 

iloveotters2014

Blergbot said:

I always wanted to have kids, but ever since I was a teenager I wanted to adopt. Then, at around 30, a mild desire to be pregnant/have a biological child kicked in. It wasn't some overwhelming feeling or the flip of a switch. 

When I met H, when I was 31, he didn't want kids, though he said it wasn't completely out of the question. He was more open to adoption, but domestic adoption is notoriously difficult, and international adoption starts at around 25k. I was very sad at the idea of not having kids, but I was willing to give that up if H was dead set against it. I did feel pangs of jealousy when friends or acquaintances would get pregnant, but it was still an abstract idea. 

Then, 4 months before our wedding, I got pregnant. H quickly got on board with the idea. Being a mom is still weird to me (it has only been a week!), especially since Baby is in the NICU. My life has completely changed--even more than expected, what with being at the hospital 10 hours a day. But, for me, it's all worth it. 

The biggest surprise (not to me, but to H, since I knew he would love being a dad) is how head over heels H is for our little guy. He never wanted kids, and even when I was pregnant, he expected to love the kid, but for those feelings to grow over time. Now he's the dad who thinks he has the cutest baby in the world and is constantly professing his love for him. Parenting isn't for everyone, but that's my story. Hope that helps!

This does help a lot. I have actually been interested in adoption over the past few years. Something about loving someone and helping them is really interesting to me. But the cost and waiting period is really discouraging.

I've come to the conclusion that I just don't know what I want right now and that's ok, I have time to figure that out. It's ok to just be with my husband and live our lives and if we cross that bridge cool!

I really hope your little guy is ok and you will be able to bring him home soon!

mrscomposer

I grew up wanting kids, and was fairly vocal about it for a lot of years.  But then I slowly started to move away from it... one of my BFFs has four kids, and I love being a kick ass auntie, but I stopped really needing to have ones of my own.  It would flair up occasionally, especially when I was feeling particularly lonely/single, but by the time J and I got together, I was mostly climbing down the other side of the fence.

J was the same way - always wanted kids growing up, but moved away from it as well.  He was more firmly in the 'no' camp than I was, though, which brought me more fully there, also. If he had been pro-baby, I'd have likely flipped back.

We've talked about it, and we know that if we were to have a BC failure, we'd be okay with it and would likely plan a sibling - but we love our sleep and our money and planning trips.  Both sets of parents know not to expect grandchildren from us, and both sets have been really good about it.  Of course, my sister is planning on TTC within the next year, and his brother is engaged and planning on having kids also.

VulgarGirl

redoryx said:

8th grade I declared I'd never have children. Of course, over the years I'd heard "You'll change your mind" or "what if the man you marries wants kids?" (Answer: I wouldn't be marrying a man like that and I've ended relationships when that was a deal breaker)

Now that I have gotten older I wouldn't say I've changed my mind, but seeing my friends' kids I can certainly see the appeal to children. But having them myself? Ehhhhhh. I'm happy to baby sit and happy to hand them back. When the SO brought it up and we had that conversation we realized we pretty much are on the same page of "Maybe, maybe not. Either way we're good and it's not a big rush." 

His mother on the other hand is all "Well, Red is 33 and you're 32 and if she's on the pill it might take time to get cycle back and ..." ...... AND WE'RE NOT EVEN ENGAGED. 

Well clearly I'll spread my legs and become the baby making machine I'm suppossed to be as he is the man I just blindly do what he says.

What if...what if you didn't marry someone? WHAT WOULD HAPPEN THEN!?!?!