FMIL

Knottie87702627

My FMIL has declined my invitations to attend Bridal Shows, Wedding Dress Shopping Etc. She doesn't seem to want to do anything. She then was very worried when she had to ask me about her attire. She wants to wear a suit (skirt) instead of a dress. I told her she could wear whatever she felt most comfortable in, but if she didn't mind if she could stick to a colour which would compliment the WP as I want everyone to fit nicely in the pictures. She seemed agreeable to this. I am going to be visiting my venue again to take measurements and discuss decor..... Should I invite her? I am starting to feel a little bit like she doesn't like me, or is afraid of me in some way. She has 2 boys, so I will be her only "daughter" at this point. I thought we were getting along well before my fiance and I got engaged, but now she doesn't really seem to have much interest in being involved. I'm ok with her not being involved, but do I have to keep inviting her to things? I also don't want her to feel like I'm pressuring her into coming or helping if she doesn't want to.... I don't know what to do. Keep asking and get rejected over and over, stop asking and risk offending her? Help.

KatWAG

My FMIL has declined my invitations to attend Bridal Shows, Wedding Dress Shopping Etc. She doesn't seem to want to do anything. She then was very worried when she had to ask me about her attire. She wants to wear a suit (skirt) instead of a dress. I told her she could wear whatever she felt most comfortable in, but if she didn't mind if she could stick to a colour which would compliment the WP as I want everyone to fit nicely in the pictures. She seemed agreeable to this. I am going to be visiting my venue again to take measurements and discuss decor..... Should I invite her? I am starting to feel a little bit like she doesn't like me, or is afraid of me in some way. She has 2 boys, so I will be her only "daughter" at this point. I thought we were getting along well before my fiance and I got engaged, but now she doesn't really seem to have much interest in being involved. I'm ok with her not being involved, but do I have to keep inviting her to things? I also don't want her to feel like I'm pressuring her into coming or helping if she doesn't want to.... I don't know what to do. Keep asking and get rejected over and over, stop asking and risk offending her? Help.

Why would you keep inviting her to wedding related things if you know she doesnt want to be involved?

I think she has made her disinterest in wedding planning pretty clear. That doesnt mean that she doesnt like you as a person. She just migt not care aout coolor schemes.

It sounds like you are lacking in self- confidence.

Blackbird230

I would invite her as a courtesy. Maybe she's keeping back because she's worried she's stepping on your mother's toes? I arranged different visits to look at dresses with my mom and my FMIL so they each got their own time. My FMIL also has only two sons so I understand. Maybe also have a one-on-one adult conversation with her or see if your FI wants to speak to her about what she's feeling. She may just not be into the wedding, yeah, but maybe she's also got something else going on. Won't know until you ask.

levioosa

Wedding stuff isn't for everybody.  I think you should let it go.  If you still want to make it clear that you care about her, perhaps ask her out to lunch or coffee and just don't talk about the wedding. 

MandyMost

Maybe she doesn't want to "step on your toes" or be a crazy over-bearing mother-in-law, so she's just trying to stay back from all the wedding stuff. Just a guess from where you said you think she might be afraid of you...she might just be afraid of pushing too hard. 

But regardless, stop inviting her to every little thing. Unless she's declined everything else because of specific reasons (i.e. "I'd love to, but I have to go to a birthday party that day".) I'd still invite her to anything that's particularly fun or a big deal, though...like the tasting. 

NowIamMrsKlein

My FMIL has three sons. I invited her to come dress shopping with us, and some other events however she always politely declined. I was getting a little sad about it because I really wanted to include her because I knew that she loved wedding things and didn't have a daughter to do it with.

After her backing out of dress shopping, I had my FI mention to her the next time they talked about how sad I was that she didn't attend. 

Turns out she was worried about stepping on my mothers toes. She's fairly traditional and felt like she would be intruding on typical 'mother daughter' events. FI re-assured her that both my mother and I really wanted her to be involved, and next time I saw her I made sure that I told her that myself as well.

Now that the miscommunication is cleared up she is asking to be more involved.


So it could be a simple thing of not wanting to barge in on mother daughter time, so perhaps have FI mention to her that you really do want her to come along. 

But I also recommend not to keep inviting her to everything. She could be overwhelmed from all the invites and be thinking that she doesn't want to get too involved in planning. So I would keep invites down to the more fun things (hello cake tasting!) and keep the nitty gritty planning between you and your FI.

Knottie87702627

I am far from lacking in self-confidence. If you read my post through you would see that I am conflicted because I don't want to upset her or pressure her into attending. If I don't invite her she may feel slighted, if I do she may feel pressured. I think you should try to respond with helpful advice instead of making a snap judgement about my character. If you don't have something helpful to say, perhaps you should say nothing at all. 

Knottie87702627

levioosa said:

Wedding stuff isn't for everybody.  I think you should let it go.  If you still want to make it clear that you care about her, perhaps ask her out to lunch or coffee and just don't talk about the wedding. 

Thank you. I will do that. I just don't want her to feel like I didn't ask because I don't want to spend time with her. I will invite her out to lunch. Maybe she will spontaneously open up about why she doesn't want to go to the wedding events. thanks again.

mlg78

My MIL had no desire to do any of the wedding stuff and my husband is her only child.  Have you talked to your FI about this?  Unless he has expressed concern about your relationship with his mother, I wouldn't be worried about this and I would stop inviting her to these things.  Nobody is going to be as excited about your wedding as you are.

teddygirl9

I like the idea of having your FI mention it. You can see if she just actually doesn't want to go (and stop inviting her), or if she does want to come but is uncomfortable.

AddieCake

I would stop inviting her. And you shouldn't have told her to wear something that compliments the wedding party. 

bananasplit472001

My FMIL has 2 boys as well and I would be her only DIL at the moment.  I invited her to many things so far in wedding planning.  Some things she came to (bridal shows,picking out ceremony stuff, my dress accessory shopping) and others she declined my offer (her dress shopping, vendor meetings).  She showed up to the things she had interest in or had an opinion on.  Maybe you just haven't gotten to the things that she really wants to do with you yet?  Maybe she's just not that interested in wedding planning?  It could be anything really and it does not mean that she dislikes you.  I know that It is hard to feel "accepted" by your FI family and sometimes you can make a big deal out of nothing.  I would just relax and not put too much thought into it.

novella1186

Knottie87702627 said:

I am far from lacking in self-confidence. If you read my post through you would see that I am conflicted because I don't want to upset her or pressure her into attending. If I don't invite her she may feel slighted, if I do she may feel pressured. I think you should try to respond with helpful advice instead of making a snap judgement about my character. If you don't have something helpful to say, perhaps you should say nothing at all. 

minttobemrsb

My FMIL isn't into the whole wedding planning. She was excited to see pictures of my dress when I bought it. She was excited to see it in person when I picked it up. Other than that, she hasn't really been involved. If we ask for opinions she always gives us her honest answer and she's happy for us to share our plans with her. I know she loves me and she makes it very clear that she is happy I'm marrying her son, but she just doesn't get wrapped up in all the planning. It's not for everyone. I wouldn't take it personal. 

I agree with taking her out to lunch and just talking to her (about non-wedding related things). I'm sure she would enjoy that

Dreamergirl8812

Knottie87702627 said:

I am far from lacking in self-confidence. If you read my post through you would see that I am conflicted because I don't want to upset her or pressure her into attending. If I don't invite her she may feel slighted, if I do she may feel pressured. I think you should try to respond with helpful advice instead of making a snap judgement about my character. If you don't have something helpful to say, perhaps you should say nothing at all. 

I think it's entirely possible FMIL doesn't like you.

saric83

What does your FI think?  Obviously, he knows her better than you and maybe would have some insight.  I would either drop it and not invite her to anything else wedding-planning related, or have FI ask her if there is anything she DOES want to be involved with.  

And I highly doubt she's scared of you.  Most grown-ups aren't scared of other grown-ups, so that's a very weird leap to make.  She probably just doesn't care about the planning as many people don't for various reasons, which is a-okay. 

[Deleted User]

It's possible she's declining the invitations because she doesn't believe it's her place to be involved.  My in-laws are helping to pay for the wedding, but are generally hands-off because they see wedding planning as a special time between bride (and the groom),  the bride's mother and closest friends/family.   I invited the to see the venue, but they declined.   The only time they went there was when FFIL went to pay the bill.  

I would talk to your FI; what does he think?   If she's not interested, then I would just back off.  You don't want to keep pressuring her either. 

slothiegal

Dude, like others have said, maybe she just doesn't want to do wedding shit. Why the hell would she want to go to a wedding show? I didn't, even while planning my OWN wedding.

Knottie87702627 said:

I am far from lacking in self-confidence. If you read my post through you would see that I am conflicted because I don't want to upset her or pressure her into attending. If I don't invite her she may feel slighted, if I do she may feel pressured. I think you should try to respond with helpful advice instead of making a snap judgement about my character. If you don't have something helpful to say, perhaps you should say nothing at all. 

Um, she was responding with the information YOU provided. If she was wrong, OK. But you don't get to tell others how to post.

Although I'm seeing more pieces of the puzzle now...

Knottie67053264

MOG here.  I have to say I agree with what several of you have said.  I am just so scared of coming off as the FMIL from hell that I haven't imposed myself.  I have made it clear that I will do anything needed but I haven't been in the day to day planning.  I have a great rehearsal dinner planned and I'm paying for the flowers.  I would not want to go to any bridal shows, etc. I am kept in the loop with the bride and her mother, but I just nod and say "Wonderful!".  And I don't mind-those two gals have got it figured out.  Hell, my son just wants to marry her.  It's all good.

Viczaesar

Knottie67053264 said:

MOG here.  I have to say I agree with what several of you have said.  I am just so scared of coming off as the FMIL from hell that I haven't imposed myself.  I have made it clear that I will do anything needed but I haven't been in the day to day planning.  I have a great rehearsal dinner planned and I'm paying for the flowers.  I would not want to go to any bridal shows, etc. I am kept in the loop with the bride and her mother, but I just nod and say "Wonderful!".  And I don't mind-those two gals have got it figured out.  Hell, my son just wants to marry her.  It's all good.

Are you a MOG or THE MOG? 

Viczaesar

Knottie87702627 said:

My FMIL has declined my invitations to attend Bridal Shows, Wedding Dress Shopping Etc. She doesn't seem to want to do anything. She then was very worried when she had to ask me about her attire. She wants to wear a suit (skirt) instead of a dress. I told her she could wear whatever she felt most comfortable in, but if she didn't mind if she could stick to a colour which would compliment the WP as I want everyone to fit nicely in the pictures. She seemed agreeable to this. I am going to be visiting my venue again to take measurements and discuss decor..... Should I invite her? I am starting to feel a little bit like she doesn't like me, or is afraid of me in some way. She has 2 boys, so I will be her only "daughter" at this point. I thought we were getting along well before my fiance and I got engaged, but now she doesn't really seem to have much interest in being involved. I'm ok with her not being involved, but do I have to keep inviting her to things? I also don't want her to feel like I'm pressuring her into coming or helping if she doesn't want to.... I don't know what to do. Keep asking and get rejected over and over, stop asking and risk offending her? Help.

First, she didn't have to ask you anything.  You have no right to control how the parents dress, only the people actually in your wedding party.  You should not be telling her what color to wear any more than you should be telling her what type of dress to wear.  She chooses for herself and can wear whatever she wants.

[Deleted User]

Knottie67053264

Viczaesar-er, the MOG? I mean, how many MOGs can there be? LOL

MadHops21

Knottie67053264 said:

Viczaesar-er, the MOG? I mean, how many MOGs can there be? LOL

Are you the MOG that the OP is talking about in this post, or are you some MOG to another couple that's not this one in the thread? 

artbyallie

AddieCake said:

I would stop inviting her. And you shouldn't have told her to wear something that compliments the wedding party. 

Not least because the correct word is complements. But she doesn't need to do that either.

Knottie67053264

Vicazaesar-Oh God no!  I'm not that MOG!

mikenberger

Repeat after me:

I am not as special to my MIL I feel I should be and that's okay.

I am not as important as I feel I need to be to my MIL and that's okay.

I am not a special snowflake. Despite what anybody tells me. 

Some people just do not give a rip about weddings. And seriously? You're going to pull the "I feel like she may be upset I'm taking one of her sons away" Not everything is a Lifetime movie.

flantastic

I had no interest in going to those things for my own wedding. Two of my best friends are getting married this fall, and I'd have no interest in going to those things for their weddings. If it were my future DIL, I would still have no interest in going to those things for their own sake. Bridal shows and wedding dress shopping are not "bonding experiences" to me.

If I wanted to spend more time with the bride, I'd make it happen but in a different setting. If I didn't particularly care to spend more time with the bride, then I wouldn't. Either should hopefully be okay with the bride.

yellowdaisies84

Knottie87702627 said:

My FMIL has declined my invitations to attend Bridal Shows, Wedding Dress Shopping Etc. She doesn't seem to want to do anything. She then was very worried when she had to ask me about her attire. She wants to wear a suit (skirt) instead of a dress. I told her she could wear whatever she felt most comfortable in, but if she didn't mind if she could stick to a colour which would compliment the WP as I want everyone to fit nicely in the pictures. She seemed agreeable to this. I am going to be visiting my venue again to take measurements and discuss decor..... Should I invite her? I am starting to feel a little bit like she doesn't like me, or is afraid of me in some way. She has 2 boys, so I will be her only "daughter" at this point. I thought we were getting along well before my fiance and I got engaged, but now she doesn't really seem to have much interest in being involved. I'm ok with her not being involved, but do I have to keep inviting her to things? I also don't want her to feel like I'm pressuring her into coming or helping if she doesn't want to.... I don't know what to do. Keep asking and get rejected over and over, stop asking and risk offending her? Help.

I think that you should keep inviting her and giving her the option of coming with you. Ask her in a no-obligation type of way so it isn't awkward or difficult to say no but so that she knows she's welcome. Beware of making any assumptions about what she is thinking or feeling. I would try to not take it personally in any way. Do not let your feelings get hurt- she is saying no to coming with you to an appointment she is not telling you that she doesn't like you. 

Here is what I would say: I'm going to the venue again to discuss decor and take measurements. You are more than welcome to join me if you're interested? If she says no, reassure her that's ok. "Okay, that's totally fine! You don't need to come with me. I always want to give you the option of coming to all the wedding things. No pressure. So, how are you doing?" Hopefully you can work on getting along with her and developing your relationship with her regardless of whether she comes with you or not to your appointments. 

plainjane0415

yellowdaisies84 said:

Knottie87702627 said:

My FMIL has declined my invitations to attend Bridal Shows, Wedding Dress Shopping Etc. She doesn't seem to want to do anything. She then was very worried when she had to ask me about her attire. She wants to wear a suit (skirt) instead of a dress. I told her she could wear whatever she felt most comfortable in, but if she didn't mind if she could stick to a colour which would compliment the WP as I want everyone to fit nicely in the pictures. She seemed agreeable to this. I am going to be visiting my venue again to take measurements and discuss decor..... Should I invite her? I am starting to feel a little bit like she doesn't like me, or is afraid of me in some way. She has 2 boys, so I will be her only "daughter" at this point. I thought we were getting along well before my fiance and I got engaged, but now she doesn't really seem to have much interest in being involved. I'm ok with her not being involved, but do I have to keep inviting her to things? I also don't want her to feel like I'm pressuring her into coming or helping if she doesn't want to.... I don't know what to do. Keep asking and get rejected over and over, stop asking and risk offending her? Help.

I think that you should keep inviting her and giving her the option of coming with you. Ask her in a no-obligation type of way so it isn't awkward or difficult to say no but so that she knows she's welcome. Beware of making any assumptions about what she is thinking or feeling. I would try to not take it personally in any way. Do not let your feelings get hurt- she is saying no to coming with you to an appointment she is not telling you that she doesn't like you. 

Here is what I would say: I'm going to the venue again to discuss decor and take measurements. You are more than welcome to join me if you're interested? If she says no, reassure her that's ok. "Okay, that's totally fine! You don't need to come with me. I always want to give you the option of coming to all the wedding things. No pressure. So, how are you doing?" Hopefully you can work on getting along with her and developing your relationship with her regardless of whether she comes with you or not to your appointments. 

I don't think the OP should continue to invite her to bridal stuff.  She obviously doesn't want to go, so why keep pressing the issue?

If she's going to do anything, it should be getting to know her FMIL without all the wedding talk.  

 

lovemesomemonster

Sounds to me like you need some non wedding bonding time with FMIL.. Mine has no real interest in wedding planning stuff, I know this about her and wouldn't invite her to a bunch of things she would be bored out of her mind doing (although she would probably go to make me happy). We talk all the time on the phone but most of it goes like this:

Me: Hi, just calling to see if you can help me with an invite list for your family, maybe you and FI can talk it over and send it to me?

FMIL: Great, I'll work on that, how many are you thinking?

Me: I have X amount with just my family, we are trying to keep it around Y.. send over your ideal list and we can talk it over from there if we run into too many. How is the family?

FMIL: Ok, I'll work on it! Family is great.. blah blah blah

2hrs later we have covered the family stuff, had a great convo, and took care of what we needed for the wedding. Your FMIL may really like you, just doesn't care about wedding colors, venues etc. try talking to her about other things?