It starts... (Guest list guilt - with gifs!)

WildMagelet

Mostly just a vent  

FI & I decided a long time ago if/when we got married it would be small.  Our parents have known this from hypothetical conversations that have randomly been brought up over the years.  

Fast forward and we get engaged.  We get a small venue and start working on the guest list.  

FI tells me about a conversation he had with his mom.  Apparently FMIL told FSIL (FI's SS) about the wedding.  FSIL lives on the east coast, while we're in the midwest.  FI & FSIL are not close - they never call, email, text, or converse outside of family functions they both happen to be at.  They met as adults and do not have a relationship.  However, apparently FSIL thinks we should wait and plan our wedding around when she is going to be back in our state.  She's not even on FIs working list for his side  [Did I tell you guys about having to plan xmas at FI's (not FSILs) grandma's house around her and it preventing FSD from attending xmas?  Same one.]  I don't expect this to be the last we hear about this.  I will defer to FI and FI will stand his ground.  

So last night I'm talking to my dad (who is being super cute and excited about us getting married on his birthday) and he asks if everything's finalized.  I make the mistake of mentioning no, FI & I need to put in our contract our request for the tables/chairs we require from the venue that we'll turn in this weekend so we have to finalize the GL first.  

I reiterate that we're keeping it small.  SM suggests we send out pre-announcements telling people we're keeping it small but that we're thinking of them.

Dad starts naming off names of people he thinks would come if invited with the excuse that "Oh, its only x people."

I again reiterate our goal of "small" and that it's not that I don't want to see/celebrate with those few people, but I alone have 8 aunts/uncles and 27 first cousins just on my dad's side.  Not including their spouses.  

Dad expresses that he wishes he was in a better situation to help us financially.

I think he got the point by the time I got off the phone.  We want a small wedding.  I'm not opposed to sending announcements day-of or after-the-fact but they're sure as hell not going to be "Oh sorry you aren't invited next month" notes.

I think this has actually shrunk my working guest list.  I was considering adding a few members of extended family if we had room who I see outside of weddings/funerals but if its going to cause drama I can wait and see them 3.5 months later at my brother's wedding.  I'm so glad we chose a short engagement. I don't envy people who have to deal with GLs for a year or more.  Props to you that have done it.

bethsmiles

Honestly, even if you were having a big wedding this would probably happen. I would stop talking about the guest list with anyone. Just say you have it under control and change the subject. The less you talk about the wedding with others, the less you have to hear their opinions on it.

WildMagelet

I agree with you.  I have the feeling I'll have a lot of bean dipping in the near future, because my parents talk about the wedding every time I talk to them now.

Hopefully it dies down soon

KeptInStitches

It won't.  Invites have gone out and I'm anticipating another round of it now.

@bethsmiles is wise - heaping helpings of bean dip are the best way to deal with it.

AuroraRose41

I'm sorry that your family is putting you through this. Definitely agree with the bean dip though. 

And why would the thought that sending out "pre-wedding apology announcements" ever be okay? I can't wrap my head around that one. 

bethsmiles

AuroraRose41 said:

I'm sorry that your family is putting you through this. Definitely agree with the bean dip though. 

And why would the thought that sending out "pre-wedding apology announcements" ever be okay? I can't wrap my head around that one. 

Me either! It's just such a horrible idea. I don't even know what I would do if I got something like that. I'd be so confused as to why the hell someone sent me a non-invitation. No one wants to go to your wedding that badly (not at all saying you think this OP, general you!)

WildMagelet

I know.  I thought my brain was going to explode.  I said "Like an announcement?  Pretty sure those go out the day of" and then quickly changed the subject.

kaitlynmichelle

Just keep bean dipping. It seems to never end! I even had the excuse of its parents and siblings only for our wedding and I got hassled all the way through. I just kept changing the subject.
Although that didn't work with one aunt and uncle that still almost crashed our intimate wedding. Sometimes even polite bean dipping just doesn't get through to people.

KeptInStitches

kaitlynmichelle said:

Just keep bean dipping. It seems to never end! I even had the excuse of its parents and siblings only for our wedding and I got hassled all the way through. I just kept changing the subject.
Although that didn't work with one aunt and uncle that still almost crashed our intimate wedding. Sometimes even polite bean dipping just doesn't get through to people.

This this this this this oh god this.

lavenderfields13

Yup your gifs pretty much sum up my guest list conversation experiences. We're having a larger wedding- we have 160 on the list right now - I know that's actually small for some people. We will have been engaged for 1.5 year when we get married- if we had the funds to have the kind of wedding we're going to have when he proposed I would have wanted to be married within 9 months. It's definitely been dragging on for too long!

We've cut quite a few people and my parents have been very understanding. My mom does sometimes say things like "Oh well if money was no issue than you could have invited blah blah and blah". And I'm like No I still wouldn't want to invite them because I just don't need to have them there. 

So yeah keep on sticking to your word and bean dipping. I envy your short engagement!

500days

Keep on standing your ground with the guest list! Again, @bethsmiles is wise. Just change the topic if people pry for info. I have been lucky not to have too many problems with the guest list, just a few single people begin relationships so we will add their SOs to the list. We have been engaged since 09/13 so I'm definitely ready for the wedding to happen!

WildMagelet

lavenderfields13 said:Yup your gifs pretty much sum up my guest list conversation experiences. We're having a larger wedding- we have 160 on the list right now - I know that's actually small for some people. We will have been engaged for 1.5 year when we get married- if we had the funds to have the kind of wedding we're going to have when he proposed I would have wanted to be married within 9 months. It's definitely been dragging on for too long!We've cut quite a few people and my parents have been very understanding. My mom does sometimes say things like "Oh well if money was no issue than you could have invited blah blah and blah". And I'm like No I still wouldn't want to invite them because I just don't need to have them there. 
So yeah keep on sticking to your word and bean dipping. I envy your short engagement!


First bolded: That's at least where we'd be if we in circles through first cousins once removed + kids and SO.  (Almost all of my 1st cousins and some of my FCORs are older than me).  Not including friends.  My brother and his FI are inviting 250-300 to their wedding a few months later.  I do not envy it at all - especially when I hear FSILs reactions to the price of everything.  

Second bolded: So much this.  We picked a budget we were comfortable spending on a party.  If our budget was bigger we'd just have a fancier party, not a bigger wedding.  (Actually, if our budget was bigger we'd probably have just have paid for airline tickets for VIPs and had an even smaller wedding on a beach somewhere).

P.S.  I enjoy watching your ticker @lavenderfields13 because I know it applies to FI &I too!

Dignity100

When I told my MIL that I wanted a small wedding - her response was 'Yeah, small - I'm on board with that; what were you thinking like 150 people?'  and I just looked at her and said that I was thinking more like '80 or under'... then my H and I started talking and decided we didn't like being the center of attention and couldn't see paying $40+ a plate for people we didn't really see outside of family gatherings so we went with immediate family only.  I would totally do it again that way too!! 

I agree - stop talking about the guest list with others.  If it comes up, maybe mention that you need to keep your guest count under ## and you're comfortable with your guest list as you have it.

Hummingbird125

The only part of wedding planning that has caused significant stress for me is/was the guest list. The worst part is - it was FI's fault! From the very beginning, he told me we would probably only be inviting his immediate family. Of course, once the STD's started going out, he decided we needed to invite about 25 more people from his family. 

There wasn't enough wine in the world for me that week.

beanbot2002

Both sets of parents have been amazing in terms of invites. I have an insanely large immediate family (I'm 1 of 10 kids - and we like to breed), so we knew that it was going to be big. It's not that we want to be the center of attention, but more that we really want to party with our family and friends. But both sets of parents have given us just a few names of their must haves. I'm talking 2-3 couples each. We're so lucky that we have such laid back families. 

If anyone was going to be BSC about our guest list, it would be my younger sister. And we're not talking right now, so...

I'm sorry that you're having a time of it!

minskat30

I think we got lucky.  My family stayed out of the guest list for the most part and H's mom and brother didn't invite more than a few people because everyone lives out of the country.  That said, it was hell getting a final count with H's friends.  Some RSVP'd yes then didn't show up at all, some RSVP'd no then changed their minds, some brought a guest that wasn't invited (like a totally random person I'd never met who was just a friend of the guy who was invited), and one guy demanded a plus one even though he wasn't in a relationship and wouldn't tell me who his plus one was until the day of, etc.  I was pissed that people were so flaky.

WildMagelet

I did get a call from SM yesterday.  She wanted to clarify our stance on "small guest list" because she was about to call her brother, so I explained it to her that we probably weren't going to invite any extended family because adding just aunts & uncles almost instantly doubles our guest list.  She said she understood and if we were going to do it that way that it made sense and people would understand.  (Yay, circles FTW)  

The one exception that pretty much everyone knows about is my cousin I'm closest to in age.  She and I have been close friends since we were small and anyone who knows anything about us shouldn't bat an eye at just her out of my 31 first cousins.  

nycgal85

We're not even engaged and we're already dealing with this. SO has a massive family. We know who we have to invite and who we can cut. It's more for us to do with ages (no one under 18 except for 1st cousins and our flower girl/ring bearer) and distance of relations. On the other hand, my family is small, but out of state. I'm already dealing with my mother angry because we are getting married in NY (where we LIVE!!), and she's guilting me about that, and now I have my grandma angry that we're getting married here and saying "well how on earth am I going to invite so and so" (friends of hers). And mind you, this was OVER A YEAR AGO AND WE'RE STILL NOT EVEN ENGAGED!!!

We have already accepted that there's no way in hell we will have a small wedding, I'm just hoping we can stay under 150....