Promise rings?

nowittyusername

Was having a random chat with a friend over the weekend, and she brought up the old...So when are you and SO going to FINALLY get married? (First of all, the exaggerated enunciation of the word finally really isn't necessary.  The fact that you threw the word in at all makes your opinion clear.  Thanks tho!)

I responded with my standard, "Oh you know, we are just going with the flow, but if/when that happens we will be sure to let you know!"

She then shows me the ring on her finger, and begins gushing about how her boyfriend has given her a promise ring, and how very excited she is.  I ooohed and ahhed, and joined in on the very excited conversation, but I am a bit baffled.  Maybe it is a geographical or cultural difference, but I've always equated promise rings with very young (i.e. teenage couples), and not something that 30 something couples did.  She questioned why if SO and I knew we planned on getting engaged at some point, why I didn't have one, so I just said that I hadn't really heard of it before and didn't think it was something we would do.  To each their own and all of that.

After all the babbling... Is this a thing? I don't want to sound all judgey McJudgerson, but I feel that at 34 years old I don't need a pre-engagement engagement ring.  A promise to get engaged? I can't even think it, without hearing this little scoffing noise inside my head.  Ok, I'm mean and judgey, but is this truly a thing that legit adults do?

cu97tiger

nowittyusername said:

Was having a random chat with a friend over the weekend, and she brought up the old...So when are you and SO going to FINALLY get married? (First of all, the exaggerated enunciation of the word finally really isn't necessary.  The fact that you threw the word in at all makes your opinion clear.  Thanks tho!)

I responded with my standard, "Oh you know, we are just going with the flow, but if/when that happens we will be sure to let you know!"

She then shows me the ring on her finger, and begins gushing about how her boyfriend has given her a promise ring, and how very excited she is.  I ooohed and ahhed, and joined in on the very excited conversation, but I am a bit baffled.  Maybe it is a geographical or cultural difference, but I've always equated promise rings with very young (i.e. teenage couples), and not something that 30 something couples did.  She questioned why if SO and I knew we planned on getting engaged at some point, why I didn't have one, so I just said that I hadn't really heard of it before and didn't think it was something we would do.  To each their own and all of that.

After all the babbling... Is this a thing? I don't want to sound all judgey McJudgerson, but I feel that at 34 years old I don't need a pre-engagement engagement ring.  A promise to get engaged? I can't even think it, without hearing this little scoffing noise inside my head.  Ok, I'm mean and judgey, but is this truly a thing that legit adults do?

This pretty much sums it up. I get it when you're 18 and not ready to get married yet but want a visible symbol of your commitment... I don't get it when you're in your 30s. Did you ask your friend? I'd be curious what her reasoning is.

Swazzle

I feel like once you're out of high school it turns into a 'shut-you-up' ring. I'm going to give this to you because I'm not ready to get engaged and I need to shut you up about it. 

nowittyusername

cu97tiger said:

nowittyusername said:

Was having a random chat with a friend over the weekend, and she brought up the old...So when are you and SO going to FINALLY get married? (First of all, the exaggerated enunciation of the word finally really isn't necessary.  The fact that you threw the word in at all makes your opinion clear.  Thanks tho!)

I responded with my standard, "Oh you know, we are just going with the flow, but if/when that happens we will be sure to let you know!"

She then shows me the ring on her finger, and begins gushing about how her boyfriend has given her a promise ring, and how very excited she is.  I ooohed and ahhed, and joined in on the very excited conversation, but I am a bit baffled.  Maybe it is a geographical or cultural difference, but I've always equated promise rings with very young (i.e. teenage couples), and not something that 30 something couples did.  She questioned why if SO and I knew we planned on getting engaged at some point, why I didn't have one, so I just said that I hadn't really heard of it before and didn't think it was something we would do.  To each their own and all of that.

After all the babbling... Is this a thing? I don't want to sound all judgey McJudgerson, but I feel that at 34 years old I don't need a pre-engagement engagement ring.  A promise to get engaged? I can't even think it, without hearing this little scoffing noise inside my head.  Ok, I'm mean and judgey, but is this truly a thing that legit adults do?

This pretty much sums it up. I get it when you're 18 and not ready to get married yet but want a visible symbol of your commitment... I don't get it when you're in your 30s. Did you ask your friend? I'd be curious what her reasoning is.

^^^ I actually didn't ask because I felt bad. Basically it went down like this...
She showed me the ring, and I burst out with congratulations!  I didn't realize you had gotten engaged, how exciting!  She says... On no!  It's a promise ring!  AND.... Wait for it...
I BURST OUT LAUGHING!
Then there was the awkward fall off of the laughter where it dies that slow painful death as I realize she is 100% serious.  Cue the stammering, and trying to find some graceful way to stop looking like a complete jerk.

At that point, I felt terrible so didn't really feel like questioning would make the already awkward situation any better.

KeptInStitches

No promise rings for me, thanks. Like @swazzle said, it's a shut-you-up ring.

bethsmiles

Swazzle said:

I feel like once you're out of high school it turns into a 'shut-you-up' ring. I'm going to give this to you because I'm not ready to get engaged and I need to shut you up about it. 

This is exactly what I was going to write. My brother gave his GF a promise ring when they were in high school and I thought, oh that's kind of cute. If he had done it now, even with them being only 21, I would have rolled my eyes.

I'd be pissed if BF bought me a promise ring and I sure as hell wouldn't be gushing about it to people.

Hummingbird125

nowittyusername said:

cu97tiger said:

nowittyusername said:

Was having a random chat with a friend over the weekend, and she brought up the old...So when are you and SO going to FINALLY get married? (First of all, the exaggerated enunciation of the word finally really isn't necessary.  The fact that you threw the word in at all makes your opinion clear.  Thanks tho!)

I responded with my standard, "Oh you know, we are just going with the flow, but if/when that happens we will be sure to let you know!"

She then shows me the ring on her finger, and begins gushing about how her boyfriend has given her a promise ring, and how very excited she is.  I ooohed and ahhed, and joined in on the very excited conversation, but I am a bit baffled.  Maybe it is a geographical or cultural difference, but I've always equated promise rings with very young (i.e. teenage couples), and not something that 30 something couples did.  She questioned why if SO and I knew we planned on getting engaged at some point, why I didn't have one, so I just said that I hadn't really heard of it before and didn't think it was something we would do.  To each their own and all of that.

After all the babbling... Is this a thing? I don't want to sound all judgey McJudgerson, but I feel that at 34 years old I don't need a pre-engagement engagement ring.  A promise to get engaged? I can't even think it, without hearing this little scoffing noise inside my head.  Ok, I'm mean and judgey, but is this truly a thing that legit adults do?

This pretty much sums it up. I get it when you're 18 and not ready to get married yet but want a visible symbol of your commitment... I don't get it when you're in your 30s. Did you ask your friend? I'd be curious what her reasoning is.

^^^ I actually didn't ask because I felt bad. Basically it went down like this...
She showed me the ring, and I burst out with congratulations!  I didn't realize you had gotten engaged, how exciting!  She says... On no!  It's a promise ring!  AND.... Wait for it...
I BURST OUT LAUGHING!
Then there was the awkward fall off of the laughter where it dies that slow painful death as I realize she is 100% serious.  Cue the stammering, and trying to find some graceful way to stop looking like a complete jerk.

At that point, I felt terrible so didn't really feel like questioning would make the already awkward situation any better.

Bahahaha - your reaction was exactly what mine would have been.

GoldenPenguin

labro

You're in good company here. We all generally feel the same as you do about promise rings. Honestly, I thought they were pretty hokey in high school too, along with the "save yourself for Jesus" rings.

eilis1228

The only adult I know with a promise ring has one because she moved across the country to be with her BF. I guess he got it for her to show that she wasn't moving her life for a dead end relationship. Other than circumstances like that, promise rings are pointless for adults.

untouchablets

My BF and I were just talking about this the other day actually. I think it means different things to different people. He equates it to pretty much being engaged, and I, like others here, think of it as a shut-you-up kinda thing. It is not something I can take seriously whether or not teenagers do it or adult grown-ups. Like... if I was nonstop talking about getting engaged and married and whatever and my BF presented me with a promise ring I think I'd be pretty insulted.

lavenderfields13

Yup I feel exactly like you and everyone else here. My ex BF got me one when I was 18. We thought we'd be "together forever" but of course weren't ready to get married. It was supposed to be a symbol of our commitment. A promise ring for a grown ass adult? Nope.

drunkenwitch

BF and I have a shared cell phone plan, I consider that the adult answer to a promise ring.

speakeasy14

nowittyusername said:

cu97tiger said:

nowittyusername said:

Was having a random chat with a friend over the weekend, and she brought up the old...So when are you and SO going to FINALLY get married? (First of all, the exaggerated enunciation of the word finally really isn't necessary.  The fact that you threw the word in at all makes your opinion clear.  Thanks tho!)

I responded with my standard, "Oh you know, we are just going with the flow, but if/when that happens we will be sure to let you know!"

She then shows me the ring on her finger, and begins gushing about how her boyfriend has given her a promise ring, and how very excited she is.  I ooohed and ahhed, and joined in on the very excited conversation, but I am a bit baffled.  Maybe it is a geographical or cultural difference, but I've always equated promise rings with very young (i.e. teenage couples), and not something that 30 something couples did.  She questioned why if SO and I knew we planned on getting engaged at some point, why I didn't have one, so I just said that I hadn't really heard of it before and didn't think it was something we would do.  To each their own and all of that.

After all the babbling... Is this a thing? I don't want to sound all judgey McJudgerson, but I feel that at 34 years old I don't need a pre-engagement engagement ring.  A promise to get engaged? I can't even think it, without hearing this little scoffing noise inside my head.  Ok, I'm mean and judgey, but is this truly a thing that legit adults do?

This pretty much sums it up. I get it when you're 18 and not ready to get married yet but want a visible symbol of your commitment... I don't get it when you're in your 30s. Did you ask your friend? I'd be curious what her reasoning is.

^^^ I actually didn't ask because I felt bad. Basically it went down like this...
She showed me the ring, and I burst out with congratulations!  I didn't realize you had gotten engaged, how exciting!  She says... On no!  It's a promise ring!  AND.... Wait for it...
I BURST OUT LAUGHING!
Then there was the awkward fall off of the laughter where it dies that slow painful death as I realize she is 100% serious.  Cue the stammering, and trying to find some graceful way to stop looking like a complete jerk.

At that point, I felt terrible so didn't really feel like questioning would make the already awkward situation any better.

hahaha I would have had the same reaction! 

teddygirl9

One of my co-workers also has one. It doesn't make sense to me, but I like shiny things, so I'd probably take it anyways haha.

thespeshulestsnowflake

Sorry but too old for a promise ring. Either get me an engagement ring or just another ring. I love jewelry and wear non-engagement ones all the time.

I would have had the same reaction as you OP.

eta-spelling is hard

WildMagelet

I read the title and all I can think of is that FSD is getting a promise ring from her bf for their anniversary.

She's 16.

I would have looked at FI as if he'd grown another head if he tried to give me a promise ring at any course in our relationship. 

[Deleted User]

Yeah, no.  "Promise rings" make me remember my high school boyfriend, who gave me one when I was 16 and told my mother he wanted to marry me.  12 years later, and I haven't spoken to him in probably 10 of them.

That said, I do wear a ring on my left finger even though BF and I aren't engaged yet.  When he deployed the last time, I wanted something that I could wear every day to help remind me of the sacrifices we were making and as a reminder that we could get through this.  I take bracelets off anytime I type, and necklaces/earrings are statement accessories in my world (if I wear them at all)...so, a ring it was.  It's just a plain rose-gold and diamond band, and, yes, it looks like wedding band, but I bought it for myself and there was no "promise" involved.  Except that we promised each other we'd make it through this and that he'd do his best to come home safe!

AlPacina

@futuremrshistorian - Any updates on the job front for Mr. H?

[Deleted User]

@AlPacina - Another deployment to the other side of the world.  :-(  We're prepping for that right now...he's on track to leave at the end of March.  None of the stateside options worked out this time around, unfortunately.  Luckily, he's switched to a different contracting company, so his post-deployment options are much better.

kaitlynmichelle

I had one. But I was 16 when H (then BF) gave it to me. By the time I was in my 20s I didn't really like wearing it since people assumed it was an an engagement ring.

By the time I was in my 20s it was a bit awkward saying it was a promise ring. When women in their 20s or 30s get them I totally think it is a shut up ring. I was sick of wearing mine but it felt weird to NOT wear it and it hurt his feelings I think when I didn't.

It will be a nice keepsake though, to remember our HS days.

AuroraRose41

futuremrshistorian said:

@AlPacina - Another deployment to the other side of the world.  :-(  We're prepping for that right now...he's on track to leave at the end of March.  None of the stateside options worked out this time around, unfortunately.  Luckily, he's switched to a different contracting company, so his post-deployment options are much better.

Oh no! We don't get to meet up for margaritas on the beach in San Diego . I'm glad to hear that he has good options when he returns though! 

AuroraRose41

Re: promise rings. Even at 16 years old I had no idea what the point of them was, so it's always been a side eye worthy thing for me. I see engagement rings as a promise to commit, so why do you need a promise to promise to commit? It seems redundant to me. 

labro

futuremrshistorian said:

Yeah, no.  "Promise rings" make me remember my high school boyfriend, who gave me one when I was 16 and told my mother he wanted to marry me.  12 years later, and I haven't spoken to him in probably 10 of them.

That said, I do wear a ring on my left finger even though BF and I aren't engaged yet.  When he deployed the last time, I wanted something that I could wear every day to help remind me of the sacrifices we were making and as a reminder that we could get through this.  I take bracelets off anytime I type, and necklaces/earrings are statement accessories in my world (if I wear them at all)...so, a ring it was.  It's just a plain rose-gold and diamond band, and, yes, it looks like wedding band, but I bought it for myself and there was no "promise" involved.  Except that we promised each other we'd make it through this and that he'd do his best to come home safe!

I like you.....but really? You bought yourself a "not-promise" ring that looks like a wedding ring and you wear it on your left hand? I'm sorry....but I'm really side-eyeing this one. It's time to start working harder to back away from the BSC.

Swazzle

labro said:

futuremrshistorian said:

Yeah, no.  "Promise rings" make me remember my high school boyfriend, who gave me one when I was 16 and told my mother he wanted to marry me.  12 years later, and I haven't spoken to him in probably 10 of them.

That said, I do wear a ring on my left finger even though BF and I aren't engaged yet.  When he deployed the last time, I wanted something that I could wear every day to help remind me of the sacrifices we were making and as a reminder that we could get through this.  I take bracelets off anytime I type, and necklaces/earrings are statement accessories in my world (if I wear them at all)...so, a ring it was.  It's just a plain rose-gold and diamond band, and, yes, it looks like wedding band, but I bought it for myself and there was no "promise" involved.  Except that we promised each other we'd make it through this and that he'd do his best to come home safe!

I like you.....but really? You bought yourself a "not-promise" ring that looks like a wedding ring and you wear it on your left hand? I'm sorry....but I'm really side-eyeing this one. It's time to start working harder to back away from the BSC.

I have to agree with this. The part that really threw me was that you chose to buy something knowing that it looks like a wedding ring and you choose to wear it on your left ring finger and especially that you bought it for yourself. Definitely... interesting. 

AlPacina

@futuremrshistorian - I'm so sorry to hear none of the jobs panned out for Mr. H! I was really rooting for you guys. Well, we're here to get you through this next deployment.

bethsmiles

futuremrshistorian said:

@AlPacina - Another deployment to the other side of the world.  :-(  We're prepping for that right now...he's on track to leave at the end of March.  None of the stateside options worked out this time around, unfortunately.  Luckily, he's switched to a different contracting company, so his post-deployment options are much better.

That's a bummer! I'm sorry it didn't work out

poegirlsmores

I'm 21 and I would be, honestly, insulted if my S/O bought me a promise ring. (I'd probably wear it if it was from the heart, but I wouldn't be that excited.)

I don't think they're to shut-you-up, as others have suggested. I just think it's a well-intentioned way to drag you along. "No, we can't get married, yet, but someday.. Eventually.."

In my opinion, over the age of 18, you can usually wait until you are ready to be engaged to bring any rings into the picture. And if they think a possible engagement is so far off in the distance that they have to give you a ring in the mean-time, then maybe that is also too far off to make any real promises.

[Deleted User]

@labro and @Swazzle - You're right...and the me of right now would side-eye the hell out of it, and probably wouldn't buy it.  I was definitely a little lot BSC when I bought it.  I haven't made any secret about the fact that I was totally BSC for a while.  I keep trying to think of a good reason why I'm still wearing it, and, other than the fact that it feels weird to take it off, I can't really think of one.

I grew up in the thick of purity-ring culture, and so it really isn't uncommon to see unmarried people (men or women, of any age [which is a whole other can of worms]) with wedding-band style rings on their left hands.  I'm not saying that makes me any less BSC, but that might be why, up until this point, nobody has said anything to me about it.

nycgal85

OMG, I can only imagine how my mother would have reacted if I told her I had a promise ring and not an engagement ring! She's already pissed enough that I don't have the ring yet....

Was it an expensive ring?  Like I wouldn't my my SO to spend the money on a ring that's not the real ring, I would rather he wait and give me the real one.  Especially if you're in your late 20s or older.  To me promise rings are really only for teenagers.  Though one of my colleagues has a promise ring and she's my age.

Dignity100

My first though:  She might be 34; but what grade in high school is he in?

I too would have laughed and had a WTF moment... I may have even asked if she wanted a chastity ring to go with her promise ring. . .

18 and younger; sure a promise ring is basically a way of saying 'we're going steady' in my eyes, kind of along the lines of guys giving their class ring to a girl to wear or the 1950's idea of pinning.