We don't have very friendly families

[Deleted User]

ashley8918 said:

Knottie59869593 said:

OK another point... College is so much harder than high school! Please let go of the impression that because high school is easy for you, college will be too. It is a whole other ballgame. I was a tutor in college, and you wouldn't believe the number of people I worked with who just couldn't fathom why they were failing, because high school was such a breeze. My SIL is a professor at UW Madison and I can tell you, it is NOT a breeze.

I know. I expect to have to study in college, things will be much different. I'm sure you know my type then- always good grades and never look twice at books, don't take notes. I know that will have to change when I'm in college. As for the car, I don't know about his, but mine is in my name and was a gift from my grandpa that I get along with. Grandma's told me many times that "if you don't take every bit of what's in your room with you when you leave, I'm throwing it away!" So I'm assuming she's cool with me taking my stuff. And all of my family knows I want to move out as soon as I can, they're fine with that. My grandpa that gave me the car is always telling me to ask if I need help and stuff. He's always been really great to me. I don't want help really, I don't want to let it get to that point. He's had a college fund going for me since he found out his daughter was pregnant. I could never even try to pay him back for all he's done.

Is this the "savings" you mentioned?

Nope. My savings is from allowances, birthday/christmas money, paychecks, and sales from me selling jewelry that I made. I made a lot from that. I'm sure some is from when I was little too, from my guardians or something. But no, not the stuff grandpa's got set aside.

justsie

I'm sorry to jump in here, but everything you mentioned you can do without being married Knottie. You two can be together, have POA, live together, go to college, help him get a DL and job, etc. Everything can be done without marriage. Why not wait until you can actually enjoy the event and not feel like you are doing it because you have to? As it sounds right now, you are only doing it because you think its the only thing that will make you happy. What if it doesn't live up to that expectation? What happens then?

Dreamergirl8812

OP, you're taking these questions very well. Truth be told, I am skeptical of a 17 y/o having $15k from paychecks, allowances, and jewelery sales.

But that isn't nearly as important as how much people change in their teens and 20s and how much life you've experienced. How does your FI react when he gets furious? I mean more than fucking pissed. I mean ragey. How does he act when you inadvertently put him down, or criticize him about something he's sensitive about? How hard does he work (you can work without having a job)? How does he respond when another man makes a pass at you right in front of him? What does he do when he has a bill that absolutely needs to be paid but he doesn't have the money? How do you two discuss issues with sex or sexual differences? How does he behave when he has spent months handing out resumes and setting up interviews with no luck? How does he respond when you come home in a shit mood and act like a bitch. How does he respond when he's being an asshole and you tell him so?

Cuz honey, those are the things you need to know about someone before you marry them.

[Deleted User]

Dreamergirl8812 said:

OP, you're taking these questions very well. Truth be told, I am skeptical of a 17 y/o having $15k from paychecks, allowances, and jewelery sales.

But that isn't nearly as important as how much people change in their teens and 20s and how much life you've experienced. How does your FI react when he gets furious? I mean more than fucking pissed. I mean ragey. How does he act when you inadvertently put him down, or criticize him about something he's sensitive about? How hard does he work (you can work without having a job)? How does he respond when another man makes a pass at you right in front of him? What does he do when he has a bill that absolutely needs to be paid but he doesn't have the money? How do you two discuss issues with sex or sexual differences? How does he behave when he has spent months handing out resumes and setting up interviews with no luck? How does he respond when you come home in a shit mood and act like a bitch. How does he respond when he's being an asshole and you tell him so?

Cuz honey, those are the things you need to know about someone before you marry them.

Aside from the " he has a bill that absolutely needs to be paid but he doesn't have the money" and "he has spent months handing out resumes and setting up interviews with no luck" I know all of those answers and am understanding/satisfied with each one. I know how he handles stress and how he changes when things are at their worst for him. In the time I've known him, I've seen more go wrong for him than I have seen go wrong for anyone. And he's helped me through some of, if not the hardest parts of my life. I know a lasting relationship can't rely entirely on love and that circumstances matter too, if it could I wouldn't be worried. I also know he's lived through more pain and traumatic BS than any 17 year old, any person at all should ever have to go through. He knows what it's like to not have anything to eat for 3 days straight, he knows how it feels when your mom prefers to feed her drinking habit than to feed her children, he knows what it's like to go through so much that's way worse, so much I could never imagine firsthand. At least according to him, he never knew what it was like to feel like his words really mattered to anyone, or to feel like someone actually cared until I made him my friend. There's so much I could say about him and what he's used to and what I'm willing to do for him. I know I'll never let him go back to that. I don't care what hours I have to work, he won't suffer that anymore. Maybe we'll be poor, maybe we won't have all the things I'm used to since I grew up with more money and useless stuff than a kid could ever need. But we'll have each other and the things we really need. Hopefully a little extra, too. I know what I feel, and I know that I'm happier with him than I ever have been before. Sorry if this came off as a rant at all, it wasn't meant to. I started with stuff that was directly responding to what you said, then it reminded me of more and more. So now you have all this lol

thespeshulestsnowflake

I still don't get why you need to get married now. Graduate from high school, go to college,then get married. What is wrong with that plan? If you were meant to be together forever, nothing should change in the next 5-6 years?

mrscomposer

Honey, I'm a big fan of yours.  From what you've told us, I think you've got your head on straight, and it's in the right place.

Once your FI gets out of the house, there is absolutely no reason to go back.  You don't ever have to see his sister again, and you definitely don't have to invite her to your wedding.  If I was in your situation, I would likely have an extremely private ceremony, with only a very select few people in attendance (not your one set of grandparents, if that's what you've chosen).  Once you're out of their house and out of their control, and everything you own is in your own name, etc, do what you want.

That said - I'm on the same page as everyone else in regards to getting married now.  If you're perfect for each other, you're perfect for each other.  If you're going to stay together forever, then your forever has already started - it doesn't start when you get married. 

sophhabobopha

mrscomposer said:

Honey, I'm a big fan of yours.  From what you've told us, I think you've got your head on straight, and it's in the right place.

Once your FI gets out of the house, there is absolutely no reason to go back.  You don't ever have to see his sister again, and you definitely don't have to invite her to your wedding.  If I was in your situation, I would likely have an extremely private ceremony, with only a very select few people in attendance (not your one set of grandparents, if that's what you've chosen).  Once you're out of their house and out of their control, and everything you own is in your own name, etc, do what you want.

That said - I'm on the same page as everyone else in regards to getting married now.  If you're perfect for each other, you're perfect for each other.  If you're going to stay together forever, then your forever has already started - it doesn't start when you get married. 

I can't say anything better than this. You sound like a smart cookie, OP. Good luck.

[Deleted User]

mrscomposer said:

Honey, I'm a big fan of yours.  From what you've told us, I think you've got your head on straight, and it's in the right place.

Once your FI gets out of the house, there is absolutely no reason to go back.  You don't ever have to see his sister again, and you definitely don't have to invite her to your wedding.  If I was in your situation, I would likely have an extremely private ceremony, with only a very select few people in attendance (not your one set of grandparents, if that's what you've chosen).  Once you're out of their house and out of their control, and everything you own is in your own name, etc, do what you want.

That said - I'm on the same page as everyone else in regards to getting married now.  If you're perfect for each other, you're perfect for each other.  If you're going to stay together forever, then your forever has already started - it doesn't start when you get married. 

Thank you and I;m not sure if I ever said this, but the wedding is just under a year and a half away yet- July 10th, 2016. By then not as much time will have passed as many here would like of course, but we will both be older, less than half a year from 19. We already have a lot of things set- cake, photography, location, and the officiator, to name a few. Then we have the bridesmaids, groomsmen, flower girls, and ring bearer all aware and slowly getting ready. Every invitation so far has been made (by hand, and I didn't mess up a single one) In my excitement about being engaged, I got a lot more done than I really realized.

[Deleted User]

sophhabobopha said:

mrscomposer said:

Honey, I'm a big fan of yours.  From what you've told us, I think you've got your head on straight, and it's in the right place.

Once your FI gets out of the house, there is absolutely no reason to go back.  You don't ever have to see his sister again, and you definitely don't have to invite her to your wedding.  If I was in your situation, I would likely have an extremely private ceremony, with only a very select few people in attendance (not your one set of grandparents, if that's what you've chosen).  Once you're out of their house and out of their control, and everything you own is in your own name, etc, do what you want.

That said - I'm on the same page as everyone else in regards to getting married now.  If you're perfect for each other, you're perfect for each other.  If you're going to stay together forever, then your forever has already started - it doesn't start when you get married. 

I can't say anything better than this. You sound like a smart cookie, OP. Good luck.

thank you very much. Every bit of support means a lot to me

manateehugger

I'm just going to echo some other "wait for your own good" sentiments. I knew who I was going to marry at 19, so I wont cast doubt on your relationship. I knew who I was going to marry, but oh my gosh, I am so glad we waited for years. We would have stayed married if we had strolled down the aisle at 19, but we would not have been happy or peaceful for those years - I guarantee it

Let me tell you, it's hard enough being mid-twenties and having cell phone bills, car payments, student loan payments, health insurance, vision/dental insurance, internet bills, utility bills, rent and taxes  hit you like a ton of bricks while you're trying to also save up for a down payment, new car for when your older model inevitably goes "nope," 401k, retirement, college funds for future other children, college funds for yourself,- and still have some semblance of a social life. .

Andplusalso, going through tons of crap through your college years can help solidify your future marriage. H and I can keep plugging through arguments, struggles, stressors, etc. because we can build off the less stressful experiences of college (and college will seem super stressful, but wait until you hit your mid-twenties and suddenly trying to plan your next 30 years while attempting to build a respectable career). We learned how each other handles stress, manages money, communicates, and relaxes. It's good learning to get yourselves outside the scenario in which your relationship currently exists. I'd think of these years as some heavy-duty pre-marital counseling.

Our wedding was infinitely more meaningful than it would have been at 19; I knew more what it meant to vow for better or worse. You guys, right now, have the beautiful luxury of practicing your vows before you make them.  

mikenberger

Yeah and when someone calls us mean nasty old bitties/biddies and that they feel sorry for our husbands, I'm just going to bring them back to this thread.

Nothing but love, kittens and rainbow farts.

emmaaa

mikenberger said:

Yeah and when someone calls us mean nasty old bitties/biddies and that they feel sorry for our husbands, I'm just going to bring them back to this thread.

Nothing but love, kittens and rainbow farts.

Yes, thank you! I was afraid to log on this morning to read through this. It wasn't bad at all

Cookie Pusher

I was engaged when I was 17. I couldn't wait to get out of my parents' house (too many younger siblings living there). I had our whole future planned out for us. Planned our quiet little courthouse wedding, and I knew we were going to face everything together.

Had I gone through with that wedding, I have no doubts that I'd be divorced by now. I am such a different person than I was back then. Heck, I had a completely different worldview by the time DH and I started dating when I was 21. We knew immediately that we were in it for the long haul and we had the tools to make it - and still waited a really long time to get married because we wanted to make sure that we would be capable of taking care of ourselves and each other should something happen. Some people have a "if it feels right, why wait?" attitude but for something this serious, the real question is "if it feels right now, why rush?"

VulgarGirl

For what it's worth, I didn't live in a dorm and I kind of wish I had had that experience. I moved out when I was 17 and always lived in off campus housing. Usually with a shit ton of other people. I got together with Wifey when I was 18 and I was 19 when we started living together.

I got engaged to her when I was 20. And I really did want to marry her. 8 years later I actually married her. Those 8 years were fucking hard. Had we gotten married, I don't know that our marriage would've survived. We needed that time to grow as people. And it just so happened we grew into people who wanted to marry each other.

You're 17. I'm gonna tell you right now, you're going to change a lot in the next 5-10 years. Mostly for the better. What you want in life will probably change too. 

MyNameIsNot

You sound like a very smart girl, and it sounds like you've given all of this a lot of thought. I still echo PPs that there is absolutely 0 reason to rush into a marriage at 17, or at 19. 

I also want to point out that your FI may not be as together as you are. Yeah, he's obviously in a shitty situation and needs to get out. But you don't know that he's going to be your equal partner in the adult world. He's never had to financially support himself. I get that his mom isn't doing a great job of it either, but that's irrelevant. He's never even had a job. 

I still insist that people are not ready to get married until they've fully supported themselves for a few years. If he were 25 and still living with his mom, I would say the same thing. It sounds like you're already taking care of him, and marriage would leave you to help him get a job, take him to get meds, etc. It sounds fine in theory, but when you are staying up super late to cram for midterms because you had to drive him around all day or you're picking up a second job because he blew his paycheck on video games and you can't pay rent, you'll resent him, and it will undermine the love you feel for him. These are the things you learn about someone when you date them as an adult, not as a teen. 

You may be the most mature 17 year old on the planet, and fully ready to get married today. That doesn't mean he is there too. Truly, love just isn't enough. 

There is absolutely no reason that you can't enroll in the same university and both live on campus or even get an apartment together. You can grow and mature together, and you might fall even more in love. You don't have to be married to be together. 

[Deleted User]

MyNameIsNot said:

You sound like a very smart girl, and it sounds like you've given all of this a lot of thought. I still echo PPs that there is absolutely 0 reason to rush into a marriage at 17, or at 19. 

MyNameIsNot said:

I also want to point out that your FI may not be as together as you are. Yeah, he's obviously in a shitty situation and needs to get out. But you don't know that he's going to be your equal partner in the adult world. He's never had to financially support himself. I get that his mom isn't doing a great job of it either, but that's irrelevant. He's never even had a job. 

I still insist that people are not ready to get married until they've fully supported themselves for a few years. If he were 25 and still living with his mom, I would say the same thing. It sounds like you're already taking care of him, and marriage would leave you to help him get a job, take him to get meds, etc. It sounds fine in theory, but when you are staying up super late to cram for midterms because you had to drive him around all day or you're picking up a second job because he blew his paycheck on video games and you can't pay rent, you'll resent him, and it will undermine the love you feel for him. These are the things you learn about someone when you date them as an adult, not as a teen. 

You may be the most mature 17 year old on the planet, and fully ready to get married today. That doesn't mean he is there too. Truly, love just isn't enough. 

There is absolutely no reason that you can't enroll in the same university and both live on campus or even get an apartment together. You can grow and mature together, and you might fall even more in love. You don't have to be married to be together. 

It just occurred to me how long it has been since i last commented on this thread. Is there a rule on time passed between comments?

Anyway, thank you. I think often about your main point in this comment.  I'm aware he does have one big maturity downfall, but I see it improving greatly the more I bring it up. It's certainly improved since we got engaged, even since i last commented on this thread. One thing that you said though, about him never having had a job. He did, he would clean cabins with his grandpa every summer in a popular vacation spot in my state. He made a lot more than i would have thought, too. He would have a bit of a savings from it, certainly, if his mom didn't take every paycheck. She's taken a lot from him, I'd have to say easily over $1,000. Probably over $2,000. Of course a lot of what you say is very true and relevant. It's all stuff I've thought deeply about. And after I retook the ACT, the school's counselor told me I pretty much have my pick of colleges. I know where I want to go and what I want to study, and we plan to share an apartment while I'm in college. There's a lot to get done yet, a lot to get down. I've been working very hard in the last few months, and I'm feeling really good about things. I know when I move out things are going to get much harder, and my fiance knows that too. We've also revised some of our plans a bit to make things easier, and to ensure he will have access to a car and a way to drive before he moves out. The wedding date will be the same, but things aren't quite as daunting as they once were. 

KatWAG

Does your fi have a job yet? Have you told your families about your engagement?

[Deleted User]

KatWAG said:

Does your fi have a job yet? Have you told your families about your engagement?

His entire family knows. Neither of our birthdays have happened yet, so he still can't drive or get a job. His mom has repeatedly told him that she won't give permission for him to get a job and she won't allow him to go through driver's ed, most of which were on the angry side. Her reasoning behind the job is that she wants to be able to claim him on her taxes next year, but there's no way he would make over the limit for that before then anyway. I told her that, but she doesn't believe me. 

southernbelle0915

There is a rule about old posts, but this one isn't old enough, plus it's your post. 

Honestly, it sounds like y'all are lacking some family connections and trying to make up for it by getting married. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but that's what I'm getting out of this. 

If you know you're going to spend the rest of your lives together, why are you rushing to the altar? Even if you waited another 5 years, you'll still have over 56 years to be married (avg. life expectancy). 

KatWAG

I have asked 3+ times about why the OP is rushing to get married. The only answer I got was "we are in love!"

thespeshulestsnowflake

KatWAG said:

I have asked 3+ times about why the OP is rushing to get married. The only answer I got was "we are in love!"

lembaslover

OP you clearly have your mind made up and are going to do what you want rather than what a bunch of strangers on the internet are recommending. But since you remind me a lot of myself at 17 here are my two cents. I was in love and couldn't wait to get out of my house... but thank goodness I didn't listen to my 17 year old self and listened to the friends I had around me. Like many PP have said the person I was at 17 is not the person I am now.

Also I feel like there are laws against preventing a minor to have medication they need but I haven't researched it so I could be wrong. However you mentioned something about his mother not always providing food... there are definitely laws against that... And I don't remember if it was his minor sister or his mom being drunk all of the time but either way there are laws against both of those cases...

Maybe rather than planning on marriage as soon as you are legally old enough you could look into other ways you can help improve both of your lives immediately. Once that happens see if marriage still feels like the right call. PP are right a lot of these problems can and probably should be solved before marriage.

Either way I do hope whatever you decide works out for you.

KatWAG

Another thing to keep in mind. You are not just marrying your Fi. You are also marrying the family.

[Deleted User]

engagedhamstermom said:

OP you clearly have your mind made up and are going to do what you want rather than what a bunch of strangers on the internet are recommending. But since you remind me a lot of myself at 17 here are my two cents. I was in love and couldn't wait to get out of my house... but thank goodness I didn't listen to my 17 year old self and listened to the friends I had around me. Like many PP have said the person I was at 17 is not the person I am now.

Also I feel like there are laws against preventing a minor to have medication they need but I haven't researched it so I could be wrong. However you mentioned something about his mother not always providing food... there are definitely laws against that... And I don't remember if it was his minor sister or his mom being drunk all of the time but either way there are laws against both of those cases...

Maybe rather than planning on marriage as soon as you are legally old enough you could look into other ways you can help improve both of your lives immediately. Once that happens see if marriage still feels like the right call. PP are right a lot of these problems can and probably should be solved before marriage.

Either way I do hope whatever you decide works out for you.

Thanks. There's a lot his mom does that isn't right in any way. They've been better about keeping at least some food around lately, it's better than it used to be. And as far as the medication goes, he's only had 3 seizures that we know of. (He may have had one while alone, he's never aware of it when he has one. He just comes around after a few minutes and doesn't remember anything that happened in that time.) I'm still set on getting him those meds for driving and such, but I'm not sure if that's something his mom could get in trouble for.

artbyallie

KatWAG said:Another thing to keep in mind. You are not just marrying your Fi. You are also marrying the family.

This does not have to always be the case. If FI wants to keep his family in his life, that's one thing, potentially a red flag thing. But if they're toxic and he knows it and is ready to be rid of them, then both can just cut them off. You don't get to choose your/SO's family, but you can choose not to associate with shitty people even if you share blood.

[Deleted User]

KatWAG said:

Another thing to keep in mind. You are not just marrying your Fi. You are also marrying the family.

I was more or less going to say what artbyallie said. It is often the case I think, but neither of us really desire much if any contact with our families after we're out of home. His reasons, I would think are quite obvious, and I don't get along with the grandparents that have raised me all that well. Some family, like my biological father, or like his uncle, we get along with quite well and don't want to cut ourselves off from. But we have no issues with staying away from the family that has done little bit hurt us throughout our lives.

[Deleted User]

KatWAG said:

I have asked 3+ times about why the OP is rushing to get married. The only answer I got was "we are in love!"

Well what reasons do older people give, generally? We've thought things through and discussed every difficult situation we could think of and then some. We love each other and feel that the timing is good for us. Unless you're in an arranged marriage, isn't love sort of the main part of wanting to get married?

TrixieJess

ElizabethandQuinten said:

KatWAG said:

I have asked 3+ times about why the OP is rushing to get married. The only answer I got was "we are in love!"

Well what reasons do older people give, generally? We've thought things through and discussed every difficult situation we could think of and then some. We love each other and feel that the timing is good for us. Unless you're in an arranged marriage, isn't love sort of the main part of wanting to get married?

Darling, you are 17, at 17 I was in love too with a man that I wanted to marry and have babies with. Then we went off to University, well he went to University, I went off to work and party down and "find myself". Then I went to University at 22. 

We kept in contact throughout the years but he is not the person I ultimately ended up with. The person who I was at 17 is very different from the person I am now 20 years later, even 10 years later. 

Can you grow older with your FI? Can you see this being the last person you have an intimate relationship with? Do you have other friends and interests outside of your FI? You don't mention friends, just family. What do they think? Love will not solve all of your problems. I love my FI, there are days I want to murder him in his sleep, but I love him. Can you get past small little things that may come up? What about larger things? Do you talk about future endevours? Travel, school, children? All of these are important to marriage.

KatWAG

ElizabethandQuinten said:

KatWAG said:

I have asked 3+ times about why the OP is rushing to get married. The only answer I got was "we are in love!"

Well what reasons do older people give, generally? We've thought things through and discussed every difficult situation we could think of and then some. We love each other and feel that the timing is good for us. Unless you're in an arranged marriage, isn't love sort of the main part of wanting to get married?

Being in love is great! But that does not explain why you are rushing to the altar.

You say its a good time for you. But if you really sat down and thought about it objectively, I think you would realize its smart to wait a bit. Wait until your Fi is out from the control of his mother, wait until you two are living independently from both of your families, wait until you have a few semester of college under you belt, wait until you both are financially stable (this doesn't include the jars of coins your Grandpa is giving you) wait until you both have matured a little and gained some life experience outside of high school.

[Deleted User]

TrixieJess said:

ElizabethandQuinten said:

KatWAG said:

I have asked 3+ times about why the OP is rushing to get married. The only answer I got was "we are in love!"

Well what reasons do older people give, generally? We've thought things through and discussed every difficult situation we could think of and then some. We love each other and feel that the timing is good for us. Unless you're in an arranged marriage, isn't love sort of the main part of wanting to get married?

Darling, you are 17, at 17 I was in love too with a man that I wanted to marry and have babies with. Then we went off to University, well he went to University, I went off to work and party down and "find myself". Then I went to University at 22. 

We kept in contact throughout the years but he is not the person I ultimately ended up with. The person who I was at 17 is very different from the person I am now 20 years later, even 10 years later. 

Can you grow older with your FI? Can you see this being the last person you have an intimate relationship with? Do you have other friends and interests outside of your FI? You don't mention friends, just family. What do they think? Love will not solve all of your problems. I love my FI, there are days I want to murder him in his sleep, but I love him. Can you get past small little things that may come up? What about larger things? Do you talk about future endevours? Travel, school, children? All of these are important to marriage.

My friends are his friends. I have a decent amount of friends, all of which get along very well with him. We talk about the future a lot, especially travel, school, and children. I certainly don't have any issue with him being the one I grow old with or the last person I have an intimate relationship with. That's exactly what I want. I have lots of interests outside of him. We both have a nice amount of things we can do separate, for our own time, and things we can do together. We can get past things, we have gotten past things. Of course we get mad at each other at times, we have arguments and disagreements. We always work them out, big or small.