Worried I am going to hate my wedding pictures. Vent.

chloe97

I am 20-30 lbs heavier than my FI. It's not that I am that much overweight- it's just that he is a petite man. I love him dearly,he is the BEST person I know, but I HATE how we look in pictures next to each other. I look massive. Throughout our relationship, I have solved for this by taking selfies where only our faces/upper body shows. I really really have tried really hard to not let it bother me, but over the course of our relationship, I have gained 10-15 lbs. Last September, before we even got engaged, I went to work trying to lose the weight and I am 5 lbs away from where I was before I met him. Great, right? Well I still have 20 to go until I can honestly say that I way the same or less than him (he is 2 inches taller than me) and reach what would the high end of the normal BMI chart. I work out 4-5 times a week (I do Crossfit, run, do pilates) and I track my calories, but every week I weigh myself, I take my measurements,  and I am just not getting there as fast as I need to to reach my goal. It's just been such a slow process. 10 lbs and 1 inch in each measurement category in 6 months is nothing to brag about.   

It occurred to me today because I've had so little progress and that I am now less than 6 month away from my wedding, that I may not get to my goal and that I may hate how my wedding pictures look because of this. I am just so discouraged. We did our engagement pictures in January, and I spent a day crying over them when we got them back. We ended up (of course) only using the pictures that were close up head shots. I eventually consoled myself with the fact that these could be see as my "before weight loss pictures". Now that I am 2 months further in the process and still barely seeing results,  I am deathly afraid that I am going to HATE my wedding pictures. I am envisioning our parents so excited and me crying myself to sleep over them. I should note that FI parents are also tiny- his mom and sister share their size 2 wardrobe. I come in at a 10-12.  

I'm just so frustrated! 

RebeccaFlower

This makes me so sad. You should (will!) love your wedding pictures because they are a symbol of the love you and the then-H (yayyyy!) share. Please stop this cycle of nitpicking. Everyone has little things they focus on, but that shouldn't completely cloud your view of your pictures. 

I think you need to work on some self love because this sounds extreme to me. 

thisismynickname2

I'm really sorry you feel this way. 

Always, always remember that your fiance loves you. He loves your character. He loves your inner and outer beauty. He's marrying you for you, not some hope that one day you'll be smaller than him.  

novella1186

RebeccaFlower, you need to work on some self-love. You deserve to love yourself and feel beautiful where you're at now or if you hit your goal or if you gain weight or whatever. You're the same person on the inside no matter what, and your weight does not make you any more or less worthy of feeling good about yourself. 

hellosweetie1015

Just a friendly reminder - I've always been told that muscle weighs more than fat. If you're doing Crossfit you're probably building significant muscle, so the number on the scale may not change even though you're working so hard.

Please don't beat yourself up. People are all different sizes. My sister bought a size 0 prom dress the same day I bought my size 18 wedding dress. And at her age, my prom dress was an 8 and a little tight.

I totally get the sadness about your e-pics - I had the same problem. I clock in at a street size 14 (and that's tight two weeks of the month) and a lot of my pictures look gross. Three chins, my hair is wiggity wack. In the ones where I'm sitting, I've got this horrendous belly bulge. 

But you will be BEAUTIFUL on your wedding day. I've never seen an ugly bride. Ever. The joy of the day will bring the absolute best of you out.

amelisha

I'm not going to tell you that you should start loving yourself for who you are because I think you know that already. I just wanted to say that I feel negative stuff about my body literally every day and I know how it feels, so you have my empathy and I'm sorry. I don't have any solutions.

My FI is super, super fit and so I often feel like a tub of lard next to him. I know objectively I'm not a big person, but I'm in the process of losing a few pounds before my wedding because I am absolutely terrified that all I'm going to see when I look at photos is fat arms and too much cleavage. 

There's a photo on Facebook that someone took the moment my FI proposed and, instead of looking at that and being so happy that someone got a photo of it, I think "Ugh, why wasn't I facing the other way so my arm would be covered in that one-shoulder dress?!" It's sick. I know it's not healthy. But after like fifteen years of professional help with it I realize I'm probably not going to do a 180 in my thinking in the next two months before my wedding...

I guess I'm just typing this novel-sized post so you know you're not alone. I really am sorry you feel like this. It's the worst.

[Deleted User]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way! I have days where I look at pictures and am not satisfied (I'm around your size), but I think that's really normal. Check out the bathing suit thread in Chit Chat... women of ALL sizes and shapes have things about their body they don't love.  

It sounds like you're doing all the right things, which are great for your overall health, which is way more important than any number. You also may be putting on muscle.

I know it's easy to say, but your self-worth is not based off your weight.  I shared this on the bathing suit thread, but love this website for healthy positive body image.  These women are all beautiful and confident, no matter what their shape or size!

http://healthyisthenewskinnyofficial.tumblr.com/

6 months is a long time! Continue to focus on activities that make you happy and you enjoy and that are good for your health.  Focus on the memories you will make as you get to marry your FI!

ETF link

redheadbride15

Love doesn't come in specific proportions. Girls don't need to be smaller than their guys. My father is 3 inches shorter and about 30 lb lighter than my stepmother and they're perfect for each other. You sound healthy and gorgeous - embrace it!

Now that I've said that serious (but true) stuff, let's be silly! Who says you need to be the one who gets smaller? Just work on fattening up your FI! Start slipping extra butter into his food. Fill the freezer with ice cream. Encourage him to have another beer.

Couggal12

I am sad you feel this way, too.

Don't ever let the scale derail your progress or make you feel defeated. It's an evil bitch some days and I'm working on not obsessing over it too. I have to remind myself it's only a number. A number does not define who you are. 

You are going to be an absolutely gorgeous bride no matter how much you weigh. Your FI loves you for you. 

loveislouder

Ditto what everything PPs have said.

I have a good 100 or so lbs on my FI. I HATED my engagement pictures. The attached one (we had heads in the original, don't worry) specifically because FI looked like had t-rex arms because I am so fat. I sat there crying looking at these pictures because I hated them. FI asked what was wrong, and I told him I was fat, ugly and I hated myself.  You know what he told me?

You don't have to love yourself, because I love you more than enough for the both of us.

Your pictures are a physical reminder of how much love you had at your wedding, of all the great things that happened that day.  He loves you for you.

climbingsingle

http://healthyisthenewskinnyofficial.tumblr.com/    <---- YES YES YES TO THIS 

You need to love yourself, boo. 

doeydo

There is nothing wrong with your body or your size or how it relates to your FI's.  You will both look awesome and happy and in love.  That said, maybe you can discuss your concerns with your photographer and they can take photos at different angles and have you two in poses that might be more "flattering".  Here are some couples who look banging and the groom is smaller than the bride:

http://prettypearbride.com/real-curvy-wedding-stunning-maggie-sottero-dress-in-a-dreamy-winter-wonderland-wedding-by-misty-enright-photography/

http://wallflowerphoto.com/blog/wedding-seattle-space-needle/

http://ciaobellafoto.blogspot.ca/2012/03/backyard-wedding-assistant-photographer.html .

chloe97

Thank you all for the kind words. It is helpful to hear these things. And I love the link. Of course, yes, I should and could go back to therapy to deal with these feelings. But right now I am scheduled to the brim between work, my workouts, and everything else I have going on in my life. My FI wants me to quit Crossfit, do regular workout routine that I used to do, and find a way to fit therapy into my life. I had a pretty terrible ex who would get on me all the time about my weight, so I am sure that a lot of this is stemming from that relationship.   

RebeccaFlower

chloe97 said:

Thank you all for the kind words. It is helpful to hear these things. And I love the link. Of course, yes, I should and could go back to therapy to deal with these feelings. But right now I am scheduled to the brim between work, my workouts, and everything else I have going on in my life. My FI wants me to quit Crossfit, do regular workout routine that I used to do, and find a way to fit therapy into my life. I had a pretty terrible ex who would get on me all the time about my weight, so I am sure that a lot of this is stemming from that relationship.   

Screw that mother fucker. Seriously. Don't let him impede on your joy. 

amelisha

I had to come back to add one more thing and say that I do think therapy is more important than the weight loss, seriously. Because trust me, if things aren't right in your head, then five pounds or twenty pounds won't change the way you look at yourself in photos. Once that weight is gone, you'll find something else, whether that be five more pounds, the shape of your hips, blah blah blah if you are still hating your body.

I can honestly say that I don't like my body any better than I did when I was 25 pounds heavier. I've just found more specific stuff to dislike. I'm almost at the bottom of a healthy BMI as it is and I know that losing more weight isn't a good idea, but it's this constant thing in my brain, "just for the wedding!" thinking it's going to make me happy in photos even though honestly, it probably won't because it's more in my head than it is on my hips, you know?

I agree with your fiance - get the therapy as a priority, and the weight loss should come second. I realize I'm way more messed up than you are from a body-image perspective but I'm hoping you'll see that it's a big deal. Do it now before you end up full crazy like this random internet stranger, all right?

beachyone15

loveislouder said:

Ditto what everything PPs have said.

I have a good 100 or so lbs on my FI. I HATED my engagement pictures. The attached one (we had heads in the original, don't worry) specifically because FI looked like had t-rex arms because I am so fat. I sat there crying looking at these pictures because I hated them. FI asked what was wrong, and I told him I was fat, ugly and I hated myself.  You know what he told me?

You don't have to love yourself, because I love you more than enough for the both of us.

Your pictures are a physical reminder of how much love you had at your wedding, of all the great things that happened that day.  He loves you for you.

All the feels!

beachyone15

I'm about your size. I thought I was going to hate my photos too, but honestly I don't think I have ever looked better! Between the hair, make up, my bad-ass dress, and the cheesy smile I had on, I really am happy with the pictures and the way I look in them (even though I'm at my heaviest). H loved them too. I hope you end up proving yourself wrong and loving your photos!!

novella1186

This lady was a size 12 and no one was hotter than her: 

KatWAG

How do you feel about showing us your engagement pictures?

I bet we can tell you 100 things that are beautiful about the pictures.

chloe97

Yeah part of my issues is that my mom took terrible pictures of me in my dress at the store and my mid section looks huge. It's a lace sheath dress that hugs my curves. I've shown pictures to my FMIL, FSIL, and some close friends and have gotten lukewarm reactions. "Oh that looks nice." Now, of course I am having 2nd thoughts about going with a dress that is unforgiving, wondering if i made a huge mistake. I keep waiting for my stomach to recede, but it's getting tighter, the rolls are still there. The only thing that is shrinking are my boobs, which are what looked the best in the picture. I keep thinking "if I only can get rid of one fat roll, I will feel much more confident". My mom lives outta town and my size 2 FSIL and FMIL and are coming with me to my 1st dress fitting in 10 weeks. The thought of having my body critiqued by the seamstress in front of them is giving me nightmares. I bought my dress with my mom out of town and they were both disappointed that they couldn't dress shop with me, so I suggested that they come to my fittings. Big mistake.     

amelisha

(@novella1186, your heart is in the right place with the Marilyn thing, but it's not really true. Possibly in the sizes of the day, but she had (depending, she fluctuated a lot) between a 23-26 inch waist. Marilyn was pretty tiny even when she'd put on weight and she'd be more like a size 2 today.

Sorry to hijack you there for a second, OP. Not trying to make anything worse, that's just one of those myths that drives me crazy.)

tcnoble

We are in the same boat - or rather, I'm slowly exiting said boat.

FI has lost about 40lbs since we got engaged - I haven't gained anything, but I am not a small girl. So in pictures I feel like I look large next to him. I'm 5'10" about 220... he is 6ft about 230 and more muscular. I'm squishy. I generally don't love pictures of us, but god damn it I am going to LOVE our wedding pictures. I gave up on the "my arms will look huge and if I turn my head and smile like this my face looks fat" thoughts because I had a choice - be stuck in that frame of mind, or ditch it and stick myself in the better frame of mind. You can do it!!!

You are beautiful. Never forget that.

redheadbride15

A good seamstress will not critique your body, and if she does then fire her.

[Deleted User]

chloe97 said:

Yeah part of my issues is that my mom took terrible pictures of me in my dress at the store and my mid section looks huge. It's a lace sheath dress that hugs my curves. I've shown pictures to my FMIL, FSIL, and some close friends and have gotten lukewarm reactions. "Oh that looks nice." Now, of course I am having 2nd thoughts about going with a dress that is unforgiving, wondering if i made a huge mistake. I keep waiting for my stomach to recede, but it's getting tighter, the rolls are still there. The only thing that is shrinking are my boobs, which are what looked the best in the picture. I keep thinking "if I only can get rid of one fat roll, I will feel much more confident". My mom lives outta town and my size 2 FSIL and FMIL and are coming with me to my 1st dress fitting in 10 weeks. The thought of having my body critiqued by the seamstress in front of them is giving me nightmares. I bought my dress with my mom out of town and they were both disappointed that they couldn't dress shop with me, so I suggested that they come to my fittings. Big mistake.     

Likely odd lighting in the store + I'm guessing a cell phone camera is not really representative of how it looks on you! 

There's a reason you bought the dress! You can't compare yourself to your FSIL and FMIL... there's more to size than just diet and exercise... if they're both that tiny, likely it is partially genetic! Also, the seamstress will NOT be critiquing your body... it's the DRESS that will need to change, not you!

The more you share, the more I agree that you should take a step back, and make some time for therapy as a priority.  You don't want to be spending your wedding day worrying about how you will look in pictures, you should feel comfortable and beautiful!

bethsmiles

chloe97 said:

Yeah part of my issues is that my mom took terrible pictures of me in my dress at the store and my mid section looks huge. It's a lace sheath dress that hugs my curves. I've shown pictures to my FMIL, FSIL, and some close friends and have gotten lukewarm reactions. "Oh that looks nice." Now, of course I am having 2nd thoughts about going with a dress that is unforgiving, wondering if i made a huge mistake. I keep waiting for my stomach to recede, but it's getting tighter, the rolls are still there. The only thing that is shrinking are my boobs, which are what looked the best in the picture. I keep thinking "if I only can get rid of one fat roll, I will feel much more confident". My mom lives outta town and my size 2 FSIL and FMIL and are coming with me to my 1st dress fitting in 10 weeks. The thought of having my body critiqued by the seamstress in front of them is giving me nightmares. I bought my dress with my mom out of town and they were both disappointed that they couldn't dress shop with me, so I suggested that they come to my fittings. Big mistake.     

The seamstress should not critique your body, that would be so unprofessional and appalling of her! And, assuming your FSIL/FMIL are decent people they would be appalled by any less than positive comments on your body during your fitting!

I think PPs have covered the necessity for self love things pretty well so I'm just going to address the slow weight loss -

I struggle with weight loss too and it should be slow to be healthy and consistent. You don't want to just lose weight you want to be healthy. That said I totally understand the frustration! Your results do sound slower than they should be if you are truly being consistent with dieting and exercise. Have you ever considered getting a personal trainer or seeing a nutritionist? They may be able to give you some guidance on what sort of diet/exercise will work best for you. You also might want to consider talking to your doctor just to make sure there's nothing medical hindering your weight loss.

But really any progress is progress to be proud of.

OliveOilsMom

Is your diet being controlled by a physician?  If you are losing weight at such a slow rate even with all that exercise, perhaps there is another reason why you are not losing weight.  A doctor may be able to run tests to figure out if there is something more going on.  And sorry to say, but boobs are almost always the first thing to go when a female starts dieting.

I also think your FI is right that you should cut back on your Crossfit to make time for the therapist.  I think therapy will be much more beneficial to you than any exercise could be.

Also, don't worry about what size your FILs are or what size anyone else is.  Comparing yourself to other people will never benefit you.  Getting to a point of higher self-esteem will benefit you, so again, make time for the therapist.

loveislouder

No seamstress that wants to keep her job will say a damn word about your body.

I agree with Kat. Show us your pictures so we can show you the love

novella1186

amelisha said:

(@novella1186, your heart is in the right place with the Marilyn thing, but it's not really true. Possibly in the sizes of the day, but she had (depending, she fluctuated a lot) between a 23-26 inch waist. Marilyn was pretty tiny even when she'd put on weight and she'd be more like a size 2 today.

Sorry to hijack you there for a second, OP. Not trying to make anything worse, that's just one of those myths that drives me crazy.)

The myth is that she was a size 16. She was really about a size 8 by today's standards for part of her career (so not a 12, I was wrong). Some of her size 2 dresses had to be sewn onto her because they were too tight. But I totally digress with all this lol. 

My point-- and I should have elaborated in the previous post-- is that curves are beautiful, and all different sizes are beautiful. I've always been extremely self-conscious of being tiny because girls made fun of me a lot and called me "anorexic" and whatnot. Guys would say I was too bony. I had (and still have) scrawny little chicken legs, which I think is very gross. 

I always looked at curvier women-- especially my friends who felt really self-conscious for being "fat"-- and I was always so so so jealous because their curves were gorgeous. 

As PP said, everyone has their thing. No size is the wrong size to be, and no size is ugly. It's just a matter of accepting yourself and loving yourself for the way you are. 

chloe97

@KatWAG and @loveislouder, I was going to post the engagement pics, but I realized that FI would kill me if I posted our pics online. Instead here is a pic of me in my wedding dress, so you can see the problem areas that I am self-concious about. 

amelisha

amelisha said:

(@novella1186, your heart is in the right place with the Marilyn thing, but it's not really true. Possibly in the sizes of the day, but she had (depending, she fluctuated a lot) between a 23-26 inch waist. Marilyn was pretty tiny even when she'd put on weight and she'd be more like a size 2 today.

Sorry to hijack you there for a second, OP. Not trying to make anything worse, that's just one of those myths that drives me crazy.)

The myth is that she was a size 16. She was really about a size 8 by today's standards for part of her career (so not a 12, I was wrong). Some of her size 2 dresses had to be sewn onto her because they were too tight. But I totally digress with all this lol. 

My point-- and I should have elaborated in the previous post-- is that curves are beautiful, and all different sizes are beautiful. I've always been extremely self-conscious of being tiny because girls made fun of me a lot and called me "anorexic" and whatnot. Guys would say I was too bony. I had (and still have) scrawny little chicken legs, which I think is very gross. 

I always looked at curvier women-- especially my friends who felt really self-conscious for being "fat"-- and I was always so so so jealous because their curves were gorgeous. 

As PP said, everyone has their thing. No size is the wrong size to be, and no size is ugly. It's just a matter of accepting yourself and loving yourself for the way you are. 

http://www.todayifoundout.com/index.php/2012/04/marilyn-monroe-was-not-even-close-to-a-size-12-16/

"So what size was Marilyn Monroe actually?  Luckily, many of her dresses, carefully preserved, are still around to measure off of.  Further, one of her dress makers also chimed in with exact measurements he took.  Those measurements were 5 ft. 5.5 inches tall; 35 inch bust; 22 inch waist (approximately 2-3 inches less than the average American woman in the 1950s and 12 inches less than average today); and 35 inch hips, with a bra size of 36D.  Her weight fluctuated a bit through her career, usually rising in times of depression and falling back to her normal thereafter, but her dressmaker listed her as 118 pounds and the Hollywood studios tended to list her between 115-120 lbs.

As a direct example of her size, the white dress she wore in The Seven Year Itch was recently auctioned off and was put on a mannequin that was a size 2, but they were still unable to zip up the dress as the mannequin was too big.  Many of her other dresses that exist from throughout her career match up to about the same, give or take an inch or two.  That being said, Marilyn Monroe at times would have her dresses so tight they’d have to be sown onto her, so something more comfortable in a size 4-ish (American) and something like an 8 in the U.K. is probably more accurate with most brands, though it should be noted that a 22 inch waist in many popular American jean sizes today would be below a 0.  So, again, the exact size is difficult to nail down thanks to the non-standardized sizing system we have today."

Not trying to be argumentative, I just see this one constantly on Facebook and it makes me crazy.

novella1186

chloe97 said:

@KatWAG and @loveislouder, I was going to post the engagement pics, but I realized that FI would kill me if I posted our pics online. Instead here is a pic of me in my wedding dress, so you can see the problem areas that I am self-concious about. 

Dude. Seriously? You are freakin gorgeous! See, those are the curves I was talking about, that I'm so jealous of. GORGEOUS! 

I also meant to say earlier that I commend you for working out so hard. I'm supposed to do cardio because heart disease runs in my family, and I usually only do about 20 minutes twice a week, if that. You sound like a total badass to me. A gorgeous, curvy badass.