Stressed out FI

littlepep

To make a long story short, we're kind of at lull in planning. FI is normally helpful, but we haven't had much to do lately, and he's been so busy with work so I've tried to take care of as much as I can without him. 

The one thing I need his help with right now though is picking out suits. He hasn't wanted to do it, but then last night he has a meltdown about how it's not done and we're getting close. I gently reminded him that I brought this up a few weeks ago, but he didn't want to look yet. 

He gets all upset and is like I'M JUST SO STRESSED ABOUT ALL THIS WEDDING STUFF. 

I don't mean to make light of his perceived stress, but I'm thinking we seriously haven't had much to do lately. What on earth are you stressed about!? 

I think it's just work stress trickling over into his personal life. He's been so on edge from work lately and it's made him super grumpy. I try to be supportive by suggesting a few ideas for decompressing after work, but he cannot seem to find a way to let go of lingering frustration about coworkers. He just wants to complain about how Bob doesn't have as many projects as I do or Tom doesn't work as late as I do, etc. It's always about what someone else is doing though so there's nothing he can do about it without seeming whiny or like a tattletale.

I have a couple of work friends that I can complain too, then I go home, have a glass of wine and move on. I guess he doesn't really have anyone else to complain to, but me, which is fine, but he can't seems to let it go after that. It's like he stews in his anger, and I find it draining to listen to the same thing night after night, especially when there's nothing you can do. Shitty coworkers are everywhere and will be until the end of time. 

Part of me just wants to start singing Let It Go every time he complains, but I'm thinking that will come across as more annoying than helpful

Do any of yall ever feel like this? How do you deal with crappy coworkers?

amelisha

My FI had a bit of a meltdown this week because he had to go drop off his passport renewal application so we can travel to our wedding, and I kind of had to roll my eyes too. I printed off the form, read the instructions, assembled his documents, FILLED OUT THE FORM, drove him to the store to get his photos taken, and placed all this stuff in a folder for him. He literally just had to take it to the office in person and hand it over.

But mine is really stressed out at work right now too so I'm trying to be patient and understanding and gentle when little things get to him. He's normally a very laid-back guy so I know it's only temporary.

I'm dealing with it by helping him look for a new job, though, haha.

littlepep

amelisha ha that's funny! I wish it was as easy as getting a new job. He just hates some of his coworkers. Guarantee he'll find someone he hates at a new job. 

missdelilah

You're right that crappy coworkers are unavoidable.  Have you suggested journaling to him?  I know it sounds super dinky, but I've found it very therapeutic in the past.  I'm not super tactful, so I don't know the best way of doing this without making it sound like you don't want to listen to him, but sometimes it's a lot easier to sit somewhere quiet and write things down.  Also, there are likely things he wants to get out, but can't tell anyone, or can't put in to words, and I've personally found that writing helps with this a lot.  Also, after a few weeks, he (or both of you) can sit down and go through what he's written and pull out the most commonly occurring themes and talk more in depth about those.  Plus, hopefully you'll get a bit of peace and quiet for a little each night, or if he has a long public transport commute, he could write during that.  

Unfortunately there's not much you can do but listen and be supportive.

And I totally understand you on the suit front.  I kept getting on DHs case about his, as I have a friend who's a tailor who would have made something really lovely.  He procrastinated too much, and brought it up two weeks before the wedding.  Can my friend make the suit in that time?  Absolutely.  He can make a really high quality suit in two or three days.  Are we really going to take the chance on the postage from Hong Kong arriving in Sydney in that time?  Absolutely not.  We were lucky that we found one shop in Sydney that does clothing for tall men who aren't incredibly wide (why do clothing manufacturers always think those things go together?) and he only had one suitable option, but at least we found something.  We were close to having a no jacket wedding, which is actually quite fine in Australia, but wasn't what I really wanted.  

I understand that shopping for special occasion clothing can be stressful, so may it be that in itself that's leading him to procrastinate?  Is there some way that you can think of making it fun?  Or just take him to the mall and be like: "Oh look!  A suit shop!" and run away?

Seriously, good luck with everything, it does sound like your FI is going through a tough time.  I hope your suit shopping ends up being less stressful than ours was.

southernbelle0915

Give the man a blow job.

littlepep

Thank you for the thoughtful response @missdelilah! I did suggest some writing. Like writing things you are grateful for each day so he can focus on the positive. I've done that before and I think it's so helpful.

I definitely agree that he finds the suit shopping daunting. It's something he has to decide on himself so I think that's overwhelming. Hopefully like you said it's not as bad as he thinks it will be

missdelilah

You're very welcome.  

Have the two of you had a look at suit styles together online, or is that off the table?  I find with DH it sometimes takes the stress level down if he knows what he's getting in to.

littlepep

southernbelle0915 said:

Give the man a blow job.

HA! If only it was that easy. He shuts down when he's stressed out and wants none of it. He gets home from work and just wants to go to bed. Alone. 

littlepep

missdelilah said:

You're very welcome.  

Have the two of you had a look at suit styles together online, or is that off the table?  I find with DH it sometimes takes the stress level down if he knows what he's getting in to.

I actually tried to show him one online, but he didn't want to look. I honestly think it's more stress about the idea of it than actually doing it. When he's stressed he doesn't want to think about anything else but work. 

missdelilah

Could you get him away for a weekend and just not talk about either work or wedding stuff?

littlepep

@missdelilah we are going to Florida in two weekends! I am hoping that helps

PS LOVE your picture! Your wedding party looks so fun!

missdelilah

Thanks!  I had the best people.  That's one of the good things about moving away; you get rid of all but the absolute most fun people very quickly.  

I really hope Florida works well for you.  It sounds just like what your FI needs.  

theartistformerlyknownas

This is the best advice I have.

anjemon

littlepep said:

missdelilah said:

You're very welcome.  

Have the two of you had a look at suit styles together online, or is that off the table?  I find with DH it sometimes takes the stress level down if he knows what he's getting in to.

I actually tried to show him one online, but he didn't want to look. I honestly think it's more stress about the idea of it than actually doing it. When he's stressed he doesn't want to think about anything else but work. 

I know you said he didn't want to do any looking online, but we managed to narrow ideas down by looking at one of those tux/suit books a bridal shop gave me. FI went through and tagged the ones he liked that look of. That gave us somewhere to start and narrowed down our options. And if he doesn't like any of those, at least you know that. I find the ridiculous number of options makes decisions hard. Once there are less options I can work better.

But yeah, wait until after Florida and maybe he'll want to do some casual looking then.

MadHops21

My FI is like this. Not stressed about the wedding at all, but just work and he complains to me about it.

He can complain to another person at the department he's in, but they're all in his complaints to me anyway. It's frustrating because sometimes I want to complain, but when we call each other at the end of the work day, it's only him complaining and I'm listening. I don't have close friends, so I'd like to complain to someone every once in a while, just to be heard