My wedding is over now and some really ridiculous drama went down that I am trying to wrap my head around. So any insight into the situation would be helpful!
Backstory: My (now) husband's dad died suddenly three years ago. His parents were married although from what I gather it wasn't the happiest relationship. His mother started dating within six months of the death and remarried about a year ago to a man that she and my husband's father knew in high school. She eloped in another state with two friends of hers and my husband and his sister were not invited.
So fast forward to a few months ago and I am planning to do a memory table type thing at the ceremony and/ or reception (hadn't gotten that far) for his dad and my grandparents who did I good portion of my raising but died 10 and 7 years ago. I ask (now) MIL for some pictures of my husband's dad and she says she doesn't think I should have any pictures of his dad because everyone will be upset and cry. I say ok no problem, I will just have a memory candle and she tells me that I shouldn't do that either. So I figured ok, she knows better than I do.
A few weeks before the wedding, my coordinator (who we know personally from church) suggested that we have my husband's uncle/ his dad's brother (also a church member) perform a song at the ceremony that he had written around the time of his dad's death. (family of musicians) I asked my husband if he thought that was ok and he said yes, absolutely. We had also asked the uncle to say a few words after the song about how my husband's dad would be proud of him, etc. That part was supposed to be a surprise for my husband.
Then comes the night of the rehearsal dinner. My mom wanted a big fancy shindig so, with MIL's permission, we did that and did not ask for any financial help from MIL for it. So we arrive and talk to the uncle and clear some things up with him about the song, and then we are approached by MIL who immediately jumps down my throat about how 'rude and inappropriate' it is for us to have the uncle play this song at the ceremony and that we should have asked her first and that we need to have him play it at the reception instead. She said that everyone would cry (specifically naming family members on that side that she knew I loved). Unfortunately, my husband caved to her demand and said that we just shouldn't do anything that mentions his dad. I spent the rest of the rehearsal dinner upset and sometimes crying.
The next day (wedding day) MIL does not arrive for the ceremony until 30 minutes or so before (got an attitude about how she doesn't have time to arrive early for pictures) and my husband apparently talked to her and told her that she needed to apologize to me for the night before. She apparently was at least feeling a little guilty. So she comes to my preacher's office 15 minutes before the ceremony where I am waiting to go down the aisle and tells me she is sorry if she upset me and that she could have done it different but this is a happy occasion and we need to leave the sad stuff out and I didn't want all of his family crying (although all of the other family I had spoken with had no problem with anything involving his dad) and that I just didn't understand the situation and maybe one day she will sit me down and tell me about it and maybe then I'll understand. Very condescendingly. I was livid but kept a straight face and just told her ok.
I am very torn up about why she would be like this towards me and why she would be so determined to leave any mention of my husband's dad out. I could not include my grandparents the way I wanted to because I thought it would look weird to have mention of them and not of the more recently passed dad. I know that everyone grieves differently but, to those of you that have lost a parent before a wedding, does it seem unusual to you to completely leave that parent out of your wedding? Please help me as I just don't understand!