Needing Insight from Anyone Who Lost a Parent

Knottie56502158

My wedding is over now and some really ridiculous drama went down that I am trying to wrap my head around. So any insight into the situation would be helpful!

Backstory: My (now) husband's dad died suddenly three years ago. His parents were married although from what I gather it wasn't the happiest relationship. His mother started dating within six months of the death and remarried about a year ago to a man that she and my husband's father knew in high school. She eloped in another state with two friends of hers and my husband and his sister were not invited.

So fast forward to a few months ago and I am planning to do a memory table type thing at the ceremony and/ or reception (hadn't gotten that far) for his dad and my grandparents who did I good portion of my raising but died 10 and 7 years ago. I ask (now) MIL for some pictures of my husband's dad and she says she doesn't think I should have any pictures of his dad because everyone will be upset and cry. I say ok no problem, I will just have a memory candle and she tells me that I shouldn't do that either. So I figured ok, she knows better than I do.

A few weeks before the wedding, my coordinator (who we know personally from church) suggested that we have my husband's uncle/ his dad's brother (also a church member) perform a song at the ceremony that he had written around the time of his dad's death. (family of musicians) I asked my husband if he thought that was ok and he said yes, absolutely. We had also asked the uncle to say a few words after the song about how my husband's dad would be proud of him, etc. That part was supposed to be a surprise for my husband.

Then comes the night of the rehearsal dinner. My mom wanted a big fancy shindig so, with MIL's permission, we did that and did not ask for any financial help from MIL for it. So we arrive and talk to the uncle and clear some things up with him about the song, and then we are approached by MIL who immediately jumps down my throat about how 'rude and inappropriate' it is for us to have the uncle play this song at the ceremony and that we should have asked her first and that we need to have him play it at the reception instead. She said that everyone would cry (specifically naming family members on that side that she knew I loved). Unfortunately, my husband caved to her demand and said that we just shouldn't do anything that mentions his dad. I spent the rest of the rehearsal dinner upset and sometimes crying.

The next day (wedding day) MIL does not arrive for the ceremony until 30 minutes or so before (got an attitude about how she doesn't have time to arrive early for pictures) and my husband apparently talked to her and told her that she needed to apologize to me for the night before. She apparently was at least feeling a little guilty. So she comes to my preacher's office 15 minutes before the ceremony where I am waiting to go down the aisle and tells me she is sorry if she upset me and that she could have done it different but this is a happy occasion and we need to leave the sad stuff out and I didn't want all of his family crying (although all of the other family I had spoken with had no problem with anything involving his dad) and that I just didn't understand the situation and maybe one day she will sit me down and tell me about it and maybe then I'll understand. Very condescendingly. I was livid but kept a straight face and just told her ok.

I am very torn up about why she would be like this towards me and why she would be so determined to leave any mention of my husband's dad out. I could not include my grandparents the way I wanted to because I thought it would look weird to have mention of them and not of the more recently passed dad. I know that everyone grieves differently but, to those of you that have lost a parent before a wedding, does it seem unusual to you to completely leave that parent out of your wedding? Please help me as I just don't understand!

mikenberger

As piss poor as his mother is at getting her point across, she's correct. Weddings are for celebrating, not memorializing someone. That's what funerals are for. However, there are ways to celebrate those that we are missing on our wedding day. 

IMHO, the song and small speech about his dad would've been over the top. But a lit candle that only you and your DH know what it stands for... subtley is key to remembering those lost on your wedding day. A lot of people do bouquet photo charms/cufflinks with photos, flowers that the deceased loved, food, a song that has special meaning, but no call outs for it, or a favorite color... At the very least, he should've been on the program.

It's a very delicate line to walk, but I agree that we shouldn't completely push the memory aside, but handle it a little differently as it is a special day and the day is not focused on those that are gone. It's easy to change that focus though with memorials etc. 

jacques27

Ditto to mikenberger's response. 

To add to that, even if you checked with every single family member and they were a-ok with it, you never know what their plus ones or significant others or your friends have gone through that might trigger an emotional response from them (also, these people who said they would be okay might think that in theory, but the reality of the moment might have been different).  An example here from a month or two ago was someone who wanted to do a public memorial to a still-born (or possible deceased shortly after birth) sibling who died 20 years past - you may have friends who had miscarriages or stillborn children that they haven't publicly shared with others who would find this very triggering and upsetting to them.  My grandmother passed away 8 years ago and even now I would probably get a little teary-eyed over a display like that if I were a guest and if I had attended even as recently as 3 years ago (5 years after her death) I probably would have had a HUGE emotional response (I was a total grandma's girl, she practically raised me, and her death deeply affected me).  There is a reason why we tell people on these boards over and over that something small and private (a charm or picture in your bouquet, incorporating their favorite color, carrying their handkerchief or wearing their jewelry or cufflinks, etc.) is touching and appropriate, but steer them away from showy public memorials.

I found my post from back then and I'll say the same thing here:  Weddings are about two lives in the present making vows to each other for their future.  Everything has it's appropriate outlet and venue - loss and grief have memorial services, birthday and anniversaries have parties, commitments have weddings/ceremonies, etc.  Having a public memorial at a wedding now changes it into dwelling on the past and what could have been instead of focusing on the present and future.

She handled it poorly, but the message she was trying to convey was spot on.

KatWAG

Your MIL is correct. A song would have been way too much. Same with memorial tables, they are about as subtle as a Mack truck. And would have had the potential to upset too many people. Weddings are a joyous occasion and a time for celebration. They are not a time of mourning.

 

And I know its beside the point, but don't pat yourself on the back for not asking MIL for money for your RD.  And your MIL didn't need to show up early to your wedding. If you wanted to take family pictures, take then after your ceremony/ during your cocktail hour.

KatWAG

Knottie56502158 said:

My wedding is over now and some really ridiculous drama went down that I am trying to wrap my head around. So any insight into the situation would be helpful!

Backstory: My (now) husband's dad died suddenly three years ago. His parents were married although from what I gather it wasn't the happiest relationship. His mother started dating within six months of the death and remarried about a year ago to a man that she and my husband's father knew in high school. She eloped in another state with two friends of hers and my husband and his sister were not invited.

So fast forward to a few months ago and I am planning to do a memory table type thing at the ceremony and/ or reception (hadn't gotten that far) for his dad and my grandparents who did I good portion of my raising but died 10 and 7 years ago. I ask (now) MIL for some pictures of my husband's dad and she says she doesn't think I should have any pictures of his dad because everyone will be upset and cry. I say ok no problem, I will just have a memory candle and she tells me that I shouldn't do that either. So I figured ok, she knows better than I do.

A few weeks before the wedding, my coordinator (who we know personally from church) suggested that we have my husband's uncle/ his dad's brother (also a church member) perform a song at the ceremony that he had written around the time of his dad's death. (family of musicians) I asked my husband if he thought that was ok and he said yes, absolutely. We had also asked the uncle to say a few words after the song about how my husband's dad would be proud of him, etc. That part was supposed to be a surprise for my husband.

Then comes the night of the rehearsal dinner. My mom wanted a big fancy shindig so, with MIL's permission, we did that and did not ask for any financial help from MIL for it. So we arrive and talk to the uncle and clear some things up with him about the song, and then we are approached by MIL who immediately jumps down my throat about how 'rude and inappropriate' it is for us to have the uncle play this song at the ceremony and that we should have asked her first and that we need to have him play it at the reception instead. She said that everyone would cry (specifically naming family members on that side that she knew I loved). Unfortunately, my husband caved to her demand and said that we just shouldn't do anything that mentions his dad. I spent the rest of the rehearsal dinner upset and sometimes crying.

The next day (wedding day) MIL does not arrive for the ceremony until 30 minutes or so before (got an attitude about how she doesn't have time to arrive early for pictures) and my husband apparently talked to her and told her that she needed to apologize to me for the night before. She apparently was at least feeling a little guilty. So she comes to my preacher's office 15 minutes before the ceremony where I am waiting to go down the aisle and tells me she is sorry if she upset me and that she could have done it different but this is a happy occasion and we need to leave the sad stuff out and I didn't want all of his family crying (although all of the other family I had spoken with had no problem with anything involving his dad) and that I just didn't understand the situation and maybe one day she will sit me down and tell me about it and maybe then I'll understand. Very condescendingly. I was livid but kept a straight face and just told her ok.

I am very torn up about why she would be like this towards me and why she would be so determined to leave any mention of my husband's dad out. I could not include my grandparents the way I wanted to because I thought it would look weird to have mention of them and not of the more recently passed dad. I know that everyone grieves differently but, to those of you that have lost a parent before a wedding, does it seem unusual to you to completely leave that parent out of your wedding? Please help me as I just don't understand!

JIC

Jen4948

Three days ago my aunt suddenly passed away. About twelve years ago another aunt passed away. All four of my grandparents and other beloved relatives are now deceased.

I will miss them a great deal on my wedding day, but I will not "memorialize" them except in very subtle ways like the ones described here. My losses are not mine alone. Other people may be at my wedding who grieve for them even more than I ever can, and it's not appropriate of me to shove it in their faces without considering their feelings. Nor would it be appropriate of me to turn what should be a happy occasion for those who do not mourn them (may never even have met them) into a memorial service.

In these respects your FMIL is correct, although she could have done a better job of explaining how she feels about it.

flantastic

Knottie56502158 said:

My wedding is over now and some really ridiculous drama went down that I am trying to wrap my head around. So any insight into the situation would be helpful!

Backstory: My (now) husband's dad died suddenly three years ago. His parents were married although from what I gather it wasn't the happiest relationship. His mother started dating within six months of the death and remarried about a year ago to a man that she and my husband's father knew in high school. She eloped in another state with two friends of hers and my husband and his sister were not invited.

So fast forward to a few months ago and I am planning to do a memory table type thing at the ceremony and/ or reception (hadn't gotten that far) for his dad and my grandparents who did I good portion of my raising but died 10 and 7 years ago. I ask (now) MIL for some pictures of my husband's dad and she says she doesn't think I should have any pictures of his dad because everyone will be upset and cry. I say ok no problem, I will just have a memory candle and she tells me that I shouldn't do that either. So I figured ok, she knows better than I do.

A few weeks before the wedding, my coordinator (who we know personally from church) suggested that we have my husband's uncle/ his dad's brother (also a church member) perform a song at the ceremony that he had written around the time of his dad's death. (family of musicians) I asked my husband if he thought that was ok and he said yes, absolutely. We had also asked the uncle to say a few words after the song about how my husband's dad would be proud of him, etc. That part was supposed to be a surprise for my husband.

Then comes the night of the rehearsal dinner. My mom wanted a big fancy shindig so, with MIL's permission, we did that and did not ask for any financial help from MIL for it. So we arrive and talk to the uncle and clear some things up with him about the song, and then we are approached by MIL who immediately jumps down my throat about how 'rude and inappropriate' it is for us to have the uncle play this song at the ceremony and that we should have asked her first and that we need to have him play it at the reception instead. She said that everyone would cry (specifically naming family members on that side that she knew I loved). Unfortunately, my husband caved to her demand and said that we just shouldn't do anything that mentions his dad. I spent the rest of the rehearsal dinner upset and sometimes crying.

The next day (wedding day) MIL does not arrive for the ceremony until 30 minutes or so before (got an attitude about how she doesn't have time to arrive early for pictures) and my husband apparently talked to her and told her that she needed to apologize to me for the night before. She apparently was at least feeling a little guilty. So she comes to my preacher's office 15 minutes before the ceremony where I am waiting to go down the aisle and tells me she is sorry if she upset me and that she could have done it different but this is a happy occasion and we need to leave the sad stuff out and I didn't want all of his family crying (although all of the other family I had spoken with had no problem with anything involving his dad) and that I just didn't understand the situation and maybe one day she will sit me down and tell me about it and maybe then I'll understand. Very condescendingly. I was livid but kept a straight face and just told her ok.

I am very torn up about why she would be like this towards me and why she would be so determined to leave any mention of my husband's dad out. I could not include my grandparents the way I wanted to because I thought it would look weird to have mention of them and not of the more recently passed dad. I know that everyone grieves differently but, to those of you that have lost a parent before a wedding, does it seem unusual to you to completely leave that parent out of your wedding? Please help me as I just don't understand!

To the bolded - because she wanted to be happy about her son's wedding, not made upset about her husband's death. The wedding was a occasion about her son, not a tribute to her husband.

People grieve in different ways, and so having subtle rather than over-the-top memorials means that you don't have to force your particular way of coping on someone else.

blabla89

I know you meant well with the memorial table and the song and whatnot, and the way your MIL addressed the situation is inappropriate, but she's right.

Personally, if I were to include any obvious "memorials" to my late mother in my wedding day, I know that would make my brother and some other family members uncomfortable. We will all feel her absence and don't need any more reminders that she isn't there, however well intended they may be. I know you were really trying to do something nice, but understand that your MIL (and your DH and the rest of their family) are still grieving and coming to terms with the fact that their husband/father won't be around for these types of things.

ETF spelling

SP29

I agree- your MIL handled it poorly, but she is right. You don't know how the memory of the deceased will affect someone and your wedding isn't the time for a memorial.

My mom's best friend past away VERY recently from cancer. I work in a hospital. I had to leave work today, because while I was fine this morning, I cried twice at work because of the mention of a patient who has been diagnosed with cancer (I don't even know this patient) and another patient who wants to die (from some other illness). I didn't think that would ever happen to me. I've seen LOTS of people die in the hospital- but when it hits close to home, it just does. 

Knottie56502158

I sincerely appreciate y'all putting it into perspective for me. I have been confused because I have seen many many brides do tributes to deceased parents and assumed that since it was their wedding and if it was important to them to have that reminder, then it was a good thing. Since I lack any similar experience, I was clueless to the emotions and really thought that I was doing right by my husband.

I can definitely see now how doing the song etc would have been too much. We did have his dad's name in the program (also against MIL's wishes). I wish I had asked opinions here before the fact instead of after!

I hope I didn't come off as sounding like I was proud of myself for not asking her for money for the rehearsal, because it is absolutely not the case. I was just trying to brush on the fact that we did not ask anything of her. There was a ton more to this story as to the difficult time she gave me but none of it was relevant to this particular question. Basically, I tried to accommodate her and what she wanted as much as possible and without argument and she still gave me an attitude about everything and would not work on the vendor's schedules. This is a terrible synopsis but I honestly did everything to keep her happy and still failed.

Thank you again for your replies. I definitely get it better than I did before but I still wish she hadn't approached me the way that she did.

Cookie Pusher

My dad passed just over 13 years ago. My MIL passed about 7 years ago. There was zero mention of them at our wedding. None. No songs, no requests for prayers, no photographs, no memory candles/tables. We had small, subtle ways to honor them. Our families are small but very close. Even though our parents were very much in our minds as we planned our wedding, we didn't want to possibly upset anyone at the wedding. It's not like it was a secret that we had each lost a parent, but we just didn't feel it was necessary to have some big, demonstrative thing to highlight that. 

KatWAG

Some people are just hard to please. I get that she is your MIL, but it sounds like you have made more than enough of an effort.

I think it is perfectly fine to have a little note about your H's father in the program.

MandyMost

We did not mention any specific deceased people (including my father, my 4 grandparents, or 3 of his grandparents) at our wedding. As decoration on a side table (the table with the escort cards) we had framed wedding photos of our grandparents and our parents (6 total photos) and also a framed saying/poem that was something like "On our wedding day we remember those who can't be here with us, and we wouldn't be who we are today without all the love and support of people who made us this way" or something along those lines. I also walked down the aisle to one of my father's favorite songs, but the only people who knew this were my best friends who I had told or people who knew him. Yes, people teared up when they heard the song, but it meant a lot to me. And I thought it was very subtle. 

I would not have been happy with any overt mentions or odes to my father at the wedding. I would have found a song dedicated to him over the top, and any toast/speech where it was said how proud he'd be of me would have been too emotional. 

flyingfoxes

I plan to have a charm with my dad's photo on it attached to my bouquet, and that's the extent of the memorials - anything more would probably make me sad, in addition to my siblings, and that's not what the occasion is about. 

LabLove86

My mom passed away 11 years ago. It is a very real possibility that my Fi's grandmother will no longer be with us by the time we get married. 

At this point we are not planning on any memorial at the point. 

The only thing I MAY do for my mother is use her dress (she made it) in some way - possibly in party of my bouquet . . . I am not sure. Plus - I have to make sure it would be OK w/ my sister. 

MrsMcCaw

Both of my parents are deceased. I am also honoring them in a very subtle way. I have a horseshoe pin in my brooch bouquet for my dad and I am wearing my mother's wedding ring on my right hand. These are meaningful to me but no one else will even know.