Bad etiquette to have wedding to close to siblings wedding date?

Knottie5228959

So I know some people feel it's rude to pick a date that's close to a sibling, or other close friend or family member's wedding date. Other people think it's selfish and petty to worry about. From an etiquette standpoint though, what do you think?

I have been planning my wedding in Aug. for a few months now. My sister has been engaged much longer than me, but didn't start getting serious about planning a wedding until just recently. My mom thinks all my wedding talk kind of gave her a kick in the butt to get going on it. At first she was thinking next year. Like me, she wants to get married somewhere on a waterfront. That didn't bother me. We have similar taste I guess. Like me, she wants her color to be purple. I know we both have the same favorite color, so that didn't bother me either. But now she wants to do her wedding sometime in the next month after mine instead of next year.

At first. this didn't bother me either. I didn't think anything of it. When I told my fiance' and his mom about it though, they thought it was rude. They said this is my special time, and now I have to share it. They pointed out that everyone is going to be comparing our weddings, especially since they will have some big similarities, and some guests won't be crazy about doing two weddings for one family back to back like this. Some won't want to come to both weddings, and they might downsize their gift spending limits for us both.  

These points seem a little petty, but at the same time they do have a point. What do you guys think? Is my sister being rude or improper?

southernbelle0915

Knottie5228959 said:

So I know some people feel it's rude to pick a date that's close to a sibling, or other close friend or family member's wedding date. Other people think it's selfish and petty to worry about. From an etiquette standpoint though, what do you think?

I have been planning my wedding in Aug. for a few months now. My sister has been engaged much longer than me, but didn't start getting serious about planning a wedding until just recently. My mom thinks all my wedding talk kind of gave her a kick in the butt to get going on it. At first she was thinking next year. Like me, she wants to get married somewhere on a waterfront. That didn't bother me. We have similar taste I guess. Like me, she wants her color to be purple. I know we both have the same favorite color, so that didn't bother me either. But now she wants to do her wedding sometime in the next month after mine instead of next year.

At first. this didn't bother me either. I didn't think anything of it. When I told my fiance' and his mom about it though, they thought it was rude. They said this is my special time, and now I have to share it. They pointed out that everyone is going to be comparing our weddings, especially since they will have some big similarities, and some guests won't be crazy about doing two weddings for one family back to back like this. Some won't want to come to both weddings, and they might downsize their gift spending limits for us both.  

These points seem a little petty, but at the same time they do have a point. What do you guys think? Is my sister being rude or improper?

No, she's not. You get one day. She gets one day.

lyndausvi

I think it can be inconvenient for immediate family members and dare I say should be taken into consideration.  I'm talking about if either or both weddings are OOT.  Or if the parents are contributing financial.  Or if a sibling has an unusual or busy work/school schedule that they can't afford to take off 2 weeks so close.  Stuff like that.

 Inconvenient doesn't mean rude.   Sometimes schedules just work out that way.

MadHops21

My brothers got married 2 days apart, unplanned. I was going to get married next year in between their dates, so our anniversaries would be 3 days in a row. Everyone gets one day. This should not be an issue. 

jacques27

Your first instinct of it not bothering you was great.  Keep that.  I'm sort of appalled that they are so petty and now working to make you think the same way.

The only potential issues are ones about being considerate about guests time and money if travel is involved for the overlapping guests and the other potential points that lyndausvi made, but otherwise, that's it.

Will they compare?  Maybe.  And if she got married a year from now, they'd probably compare a little bit.  And they might compare it to a completely unrelated wedding for someone else they attended three weeks before yours.  Weddings...aren't all that unique.  There are 7 billion people on this planet - nothing is that unique.  Even if your wedding was in a barn and your color was orange and it was a year before hers, it's still going to be a wedding ceremony followed by a reception with food and music.  However, it will still be somewhat unique because you're presumably marrying different FIs and will also have varying guest lists on the FI side and friends and that will lend a different dynamic. 

Be happy for your sister.  What she is doing is not rude, however, what your FI and his mother are doing is ugly and petty.

esstee33

Don't waste time worrying about this. Even if it was rude of her to pick a date close to yours (btw: it's not), what would you do? Tell her to reschedule her wedding? 

Yeah, if there's overlap in the guest lists, some people might not be able to make both, or may be limited in the amount they can give as gifts to be able to afford to come to both, but what can you do? Nothing. Just let it go. 

Calling it your "special time" makes it sound like your menstrual cycle. 

JasperandOpal

Your FI and his mother are wrong.  It is not rude.  Congratulations to you and your sister on your upcoming nuptials, it must be a pretty exciting time in your family.  I know that planning my wedding four months after my sister's wedding meant that we could talk about all the planning and it was really beneficial to both of us.  I would not have traded that experience for anything.  Luckily, both of us are of the mind that you get one day, not one month, two months or a year.  Next time your FI or his mom bring it up, I would say "I am happy for my sister, this is an exciting time for both of us. We are so lucky to have both found the people we love and want to marry."  Then I would change the subject. 

huskypuppy14

If it were your parents saying it was inconvenient, that would be one thing (especially if they were financially helping). However, your FI and his mother have no dog in this fight. Maybe they should mind their own business. 

ohannabelle

No, your sister isn't being rude or improper.

Your future mother in law, however, is. 

Her points don't seem to be "a little petty," they are a lot petty. Worrying about how much people will spend on your gifts? That's crass and greedy, and shouldn't even concern her.

Your "special time" is the day of your wedding, which is going to last for about six hours of your life. I would enjoy the year leading up to this, and not let a misguided future mother in law create unnecessary drama. You're engaged, not honorary princess for a year, and your sister's happiness should in no way subtract from yours.

lovesclimbing

I agree that it can be inconvenient, but it's not rude.  Hopefully, she will/did double-check with VIPs to make sure it won't be financially difficult if there's travel involved.

My two sisters got married five months apart. I'm in a wedding in a couple months where the bride's sister is getting married about six weeks prior.

OliveOilsMom

If I were in your shoes, I would be coordinating with my sister to get discounts on vendors!  Having two weddings so close to each other might enable your vendors to give you both discounts.

If your FI or FMIL start talking about this again just say that you are very happy for your sister and are not worrying about the issues THEY are worrying about.  Then try to change the subject to something else.

photokitty

My sister and I got married 30 days apart, it was great. Our family cane to both, the oot folks didn't mind one bit. We still got gifts ~ what a ridiculous worry since gifts should not be expected. Your sister is not being rude.

The only people how did have any opinion on the proximity of the date are anyone who is contributing financially...if your parents are contributing financially to both weddings, they might ask your sister to set it later to save money for the event. Otherwise it's no one's concern. Certainly not your FMIL or your FI. GL

madamerwin

I'm getting married in late June, my sister in early August. It's exciting to have someone going through the planning process at the same time as me! While yes, it means some family may not be able to come to both weddings, we're not sweating it.

My best friend from childhood is getting married one WEEK before me, in another state. While that is a little inconvenient (I was supposed to be a BM but dropped out because I know I'll be a stress case one week before my wedding), it's really not that big a deal. I'll be at her wedding, and one week later she'll be in mine.

As PPs have said, you get one day, your sister gets one day. As long as she didn't choose the same day, you're good to go. 

thisismynickname2

Knottie5228959 said:

At first. this didn't bother me either. I didn't think anything of it. When I told my fiance' and his mom about it though, they thought it was rude. They said this is my special time, and now I have to share it. They pointed out that everyone is going to be comparing our weddings, especially since they will have some big similarities, and some guests won't be crazy about doing two weddings for one family back to back like this. Some won't want to come to both weddings, and they might downsize their gift spending limits for us both.  

The highlighted is super petty, judgey, and selfish. The logistics are a concern, but not actually against etiquette, nor a deal-breaker. 

I know someone who's been with her boyfriend, now fiance, for 10 years. One of those relationships where the woman really wanted the ring for like, the last five years, and the man just wouldn't propose for whatever odd reason. First, his brother was engaged: "Can't take the spotlight off them!" Then, "Your sister's getting engaged. Can't take the spotlight off her!" She did get engaged and now her sister's wedding is only a few months before hers. NO ONE cares. 

You and she each get a day. Not a weekend, not a week, not a month, not a freaking year. Plan your wedding, share in your sister's joy, and have a blast! 

dcbride86

I certainly don't know the dynamics between you and your sister, but having someone to share your "special time" with is AWESOME!!  Two of my BMs got engaged since I did, and their weddings are both within a few months of mine.  Yes, it might be a bit of a hassle for me to take off 2 more Fridays so soon after my own wedding, but it has been SO MUCH FUN to have my friends to plan and discuss ideas with.  It's great!  And yes, our friends might compare our weddings, but I doubt they'll do it in a mean spirited way, so who cares?  People make little comparisons!  They might notice the similarities or differences in our weddings, but I really don't care.

If you and your sister are friends, this should be a fantastic time for you!  Your FMIL and FI should not get in the middle of either of your plans because they think you'll get fewer gifts.

littlepep

FI's brother is getting married a month and half before us. Not a big deal at all. There are definitely a few people that may not travel to both, but I'm not super worried about it. Fewer people means we're saving money on catering

Your wedding will still be special and unique because it's yours. People are going to be more focused on celebrating you and your FI than what colors the bridesmaids are wearing. 

Liatris2010

Explain to FI and FMIL that:

1. There is plenty of happiness to go around. Being excited for your sister's wedding will not make anyone less excited about yours.

2. No one can reasonably expect to be swooned over the entire time between announcing the engagement and actually getting married, so worrying about "sharing your special time" is silly.

 

You seem reasonable and even keeled, don't let the crazies get you!

aurianna

Knottie5228959 said:

I have been planning my wedding in Aug. for a few months now. My sister has been engaged much longer than me, but didn't start getting serious about planning a wedding until just recently. My mom thinks all my wedding talk kind of gave her a kick in the butt to get going on it. At first she was thinking next year. Like me, she wants to get married somewhere on a waterfront. That didn't bother me. We have similar taste I guess. Like me, she wants her color to be purple. I know we both have the same favorite color, so that didn't bother me either. But now she wants to do her wedding sometime in the next month after mine instead of next year.

At first. this didn't bother me either. I didn't think anything of it. When I told my fiance' and his mom about it though, they thought it was rude. They said this is my special time, and now I have to share it. Your special time is your wedding day. You don't have dibs on a whole season just because you picked your date first. They pointed out that everyone is going to be comparing our weddings, especially since they will have some big similarities The guests that are going to compare are going to do it regardless of how far apart the weddings are. I mentally size up and compare every wedding I go to. And plenty of other guests won't care and won't bother. Either way, this concern is also moot., and some guests won't be crazy about doing two weddings for one family back to back like this This may be true, but this is life. The guests that can make it to both weddings will, those that can't will pick one. This isn't rude; it's just a reality that we have to deal with. Some won't want to come to both weddings, and they might downsize their gift spending limits for us both. Gifts are never required. Guests will give what they want to give and can afford. You aren't getting married for the presents, nor did you invite guests just for the presents. Never mention this concern to people you know ever again or you will sound baaaad.

These points seem a little petty, but at the same time they do have a point. What do you guys think? Is my sister being rude or improper?

Your sister didn't do anything rude. Don't worry about this.
If your FMIL brings it up again just say, "Don't worry, we will each have our special days. I'm cool with it." and then bean dip her.

mrscomposer

My cousin got married in June, my sister got married in August, and I got married in October.  It wasn't a big deal.  Our weddings were similar, because all weddings are similar - and nobody died of it.

None of my cousins came to my wedding, because they'd already used up their vacation time for the previous two weddings, but my wedding was also ten hours away from everyone, so they may not have showed up anyway.  Again - not a big deal.

arrrghmatey

Knottie5228959 said:

So I know some people feel it's rude to pick a date that's close to a sibling, or other close friend or family member's wedding date. Other people think it's selfish and petty to worry about. From an etiquette standpoint though, what do you think?

I have been planning my wedding in Aug. for a few months now. My sister has been engaged much longer than me, but didn't start getting serious about planning a wedding until just recently. My mom thinks all my wedding talk kind of gave her a kick in the butt to get going on it. At first she was thinking next year. Like me, she wants to get married somewhere on a waterfront. That didn't bother me. We have similar taste I guess. Like me, she wants her color to be purple. I know we both have the same favorite color, so that didn't bother me either. But now she wants to do her wedding sometime in the next month after mine instead of next year.

At first. this didn't bother me either. I didn't think anything of it. When I told my fiance' and his mom about it though, they thought it was rude. They said this is my special time, and now I have to share it. They pointed out that everyone is going to be comparing our weddings, especially since they will have some big similarities, and some guests won't be crazy about doing two weddings for one family back to back like this. Some won't want to come to both weddings, and they might downsize their gift spending limits for us both.  

These points seem a little petty, but at the same time they do have a point. What do you guys think? Is my sister being rude or improper?

Anyone who spends more than a minute or two comparing weddings (especially in a judgmental way) really needs to find a better way to occupy their time.

If your wedding is OOT for your guests who will be attending both, then it could be a bit inconvenient. My sisters got married within two months of each other, and both weddings were OOT for all of the family. I had to take time off from college and buy two bridesmaids dresses and two airline tickets plus hotel for two trips. Inconvenient? Yes. But rude? Certainly not. The majority of the extended family showed up to both weddings and no one complained. Everyone had a wonderful time. 

The only people being rude here are your FI and FMIL. They don't have to attend or pay for any part of your sister's wedding, so they have no right to comment. Enjoy the time that you and your sister can spend planning your weddings together.