Changing your appearance for your SO?

ginnybinny17

Just curious to see what yall's opinions are on this topic!  

Things like -- you having short hair and your SO mentioning how much they like long hair, or your SO saying that they think you look prettier with makeup/without makeup/with glasses/with contacts, or your SO saying that they love when you wear (fill in the clothing style), etc etc etc etc.

novella1186

I would never alter my appearance to please someone else. 

FI comments sometimes that he likes my hair when I let it dry naturally (it becomes a big wavy mess) and that I look beautiful without makeup and whatnot. And when I dye my hair a different color he always comments that he loves how it looks. 

Whenever I ask something like, "So you think I should have my hair like this all the time?" he answers with something like, "I want you to have it however you like it the best, because you look beautiful no matter what." 

Smart guy. 

theartistformerlyknownas

1) Homeboy better NEVER say any one look is "prettier" than another. No. That means that the opposite is uglier and that is NOT ok to tell someone.

2) He's free to voice his opinions on preferences on liking long hair/blonde hair/when I do my eye makeup a certain way, like "I really love how _____ looks on you" or "you look really good like that." But I'm not going to change the way I look based on that preference. He married me for a lot of reasons, my physical appearance being pretty far down the list. So he can deal with me looking other ways.

bethsmiles

SO likes when I wear my hair down so if we are going on a date generally I'll wear it down. But on a day to day basis I just do what I want without giving it much thought.

I don't really like the idea of changing your appearance just because your SO likes it. If you love your hair short because you feel it looks good then wear it short, even if your SO would love it if you grew it down to your waist. If make-up makes you feel beautiful wear it, if you're more comfortable without it don't. Don't worry about what look someone else prefers.

SO always tells me that he just wants me to see myself as beautiful because no matter what he always will.

amelisha

I don't make permanent or long-term changes unless I liked the idea anyway.

Like, FI said for years that he always wanted to see me go back to my natural hair colour, but I liked the dyed colour and didn't do it for a long time, although last year I did change it. It was to hide my grey, not because he wanted me to.

I keep my hair long because he likes it, though...but I also don't have strong feelings about an alternative. It's hair and it's there and I've had long hair most of my life anyway.

He doesn't like some of my clothes, and I don't wear those items when we go on dates or whatever, but I still wear them to work and stuff all the time. He doesn't get a say in what I wear because if he had his way it would all be skintight and cut down to my breakfast, which is not my style. I humour him occasionally and buy stuff because he loves it on me when I'm not wild about it, but I only wear that stuff once in a while.

I want to make him happy and I want him to think I'm beautiful, but he does that no matter what and so I don't mind humouring him every now and then with stuff he especially likes. If he ever told me what to do with my own body, though, he'd be in big trouble. I'm not down with that.

Oh, and I did stop tanning for him, but that was a "please don't get skin cancer and die!" not "I like you better pale!" so I don't think it counts.

jenna8984

He has no preferences and tells me I look beautiful no matter what. Hair up, down, greasy, jeans, sweats, skirts, gained 15 lbs, hair cut- none of it matters to him. The way my personality is, I couldn't be with someone who wanted my looks a certain way. I'd tell them to hit the bricks.  We are a team but my body and the way I style it are 100% up to me.

hellosweetie1015

Yeah... FI has said he likes my hair long. I cut it about ten inches total at Christmas. Sooooooo yeah, no. I don't change my appearance for anyone but me.

FI would never ever tell me he hated a thing I did with my appearance. However, I can see him expressing a preference for an outfit or a way I style my hair or something. He knows how to say "I like this" without implying "I hate that." I don't do so well. I think the first time he got a real haircut and shaved properly after I met him, I told him he looked weird. I vastly prefer him with more hair than he prefers him. Again - he doesn't change his appearance for anyone but him. I DID convince him it's possible to keep your goatee for an interview though! I count that as a win.

Edited because I'm not good with the smart.

chibiyui

It depends. 

I started growing out my hair in part because H has stated he either prefers it as a short short bob or long, past shoulders. I was bored with short hair so I figured why not? I know there are certain outfits/looks that he prefers as well.

The main thing for me is, do I also like whatever he likes, and do I want to do it. I get bored with my hair from time to time. So I either cut it or get highlights or SOMETHING. His preferences lined up with my current interests. Maybe I'm choosing between outfits and I ask H which one he'd rather see me wear. I do not, at his whim, change my appearance. If I'm completely dressed and ready to go, and he says it's not his favorite outfit, well he's not seeing me in his favorite outfit that night. 

Also, contacts are a hard no for me. I love my glasses and I am not getting rid of them. He has never suggested such. I did bring him with me to pick out my current pair of frames. Practically speaking, I HAD to bring someone, might as well bring the dude who stares at me the most.

sarawifenow

H never comments on the way I look unless it is to compliment me. I would never change myself for anyone but myself.

levioosa

SO prefers long hair and he likes my glasses, but I know he would still find me attractive no matter what I did to my hair (or appearance).  I know he loves when my hair is curled, so on special occasions I'll curl it for him (it's a pain in the ass to curl and takes like an hour just for that), but he has absolutely never made me feel like I need to change for him. He has 100% always made me feel beautiful and loved. 

Now, my ex?  I never felt like I was good enough. My ex told me he wouldn't find me attractive if I had short hair. I was never skinny enough (when we were together I weighed 95 lbs at 5'1"), I wasn't blonde enough, I wasn't into exercising enough.  I felt inadequate, and I rarely felt beautiful.  Life is too short to spend it with someone who wants to change you. 

snarkymaid

I know my SO prefers my hair long, but there have been times that I've cut it short and he's gone crazy over it...because he's crazy over me. I would never wear something I didn't like just to make him happy and he wouldn't want me to. He thinks I'm beautiful no matter what, even when I don't feel pretty. My physical appearance is last on the list of reasons why he loves me.

novella1186

levioosa said:

SO prefers long hair and he likes my glasses, but I know he would still find me attractive no matter what I did to my hair (or appearance).  I know he loves when my hair is curled, so on special occasions I'll curl it for him (it's a pain in the ass to curl and takes like an hour just for that), but he has absolutely never made me feel like I need to change for him. He has 100% always made me feel beautiful and loved. 

Now, my ex?  I never felt like I was good enough. My ex told me he wouldn't find me attractive if I had short hair. I was never skinny enough (when we were together I weighed 95 lbs at 5'1"), I wasn't blonde enough, I wasn't into exercising enough.  I felt inadequate, and I rarely felt beautiful.  Life is too short to spend it with someone who wants to change you. 

QFT

SmileDamnit

People can (and should) have personal opinions on what they find aesthetically pleasing and I've got no problem with them, my DH included, sharing them. 

"I really like that dress" or "your hair looks great today" or even "those aren't my favorite shoes". 

When I would have a problem is when someone attempts to switch from opinion sharing to directive giving.

"Wear that dress tonight" or "You need to keep your hair short" or "never wear those shoes again".

KatieinBkln

If he mentions liking a particular piece of clothing or lipstick or hairstyle or whatever, I will make a note of it and try to do That Thing when we're going out or something. But if he asked me to cut my hair or always wear a cat eye or get breast implants? That would be Not Okay.

Lucky for him, he has expressed liking my hair both long and short, so my tendency to grow it reallll long and then give it the pixie-chop with little notice isn't a bad thing for him. Not that I'd stop if it were...

novella1186

KatieinBkln said:

If he mentions liking a particular piece of clothing or lipstick or hairstyle or whatever, I will make a note of it and try to do That Thing when we're going out or something. But if he asked me to cut my hair or always wear a cat eye or get breast implants? That would be Not Okay.

Lucky for him, he has expressed liking my hair both long and short, so my tendency to grow it reallll long and then give it the pixie-chop with little notice isn't a bad thing for him. Not that I'd stop if it were...

Crazy Brad thought his ex fiance's boobs were too small so he bought her breast implants as an xmas gift. And she fucking got them! Then she left him. 

amelisha

I should also add, FI likes me about twenty pounds heavier than I currently am but NOPENOPENOPE never again. Just because I ballooned for a year or so one time...

He just likes it because my chest gets bigger. Sorry, buddy, not gonna happen.

But he wouldn't dream of telling me I look better that way or asking me to put on a few pounds because he values his life. He just reminisces fondly sometimes about the good old days when I wore a bra with cups the size of his head...and then gets a little smack upside said head :P

chibiyui

novella1186 said:

If he mentions liking a particular piece of clothing or lipstick or hairstyle or whatever, I will make a note of it and try to do That Thing when we're going out or something. But if he asked me to cut my hair or always wear a cat eye or get breast implants? That would be Not Okay.

Lucky for him, he has expressed liking my hair both long and short, so my tendency to grow it reallll long and then give it the pixie-chop with little notice isn't a bad thing for him. Not that I'd stop if it were...

Crazy Brad thought his ex fiance's boobs were too small so he bought her breast implants as an xmas gift. And she fucking got them! Then she left him. 

You know, for that I would buy that bitch a drink.

theartistformerlyknownas

@amelisha I LOLed hard at "cut down to my breakfast."

littlepep

I don't mind FI commenting like, I like this outfit on you or I like your hair like that. But I'm not going to change anything for him. 

He doesn't like when I wear what he would consider a lot of makeup, which is basically any makeup. A few weeks ago, I had put on eye shadow because we were going out to dinner and he was like your face is all glittery. I'm like ok... ha. 

I do wear certain outfits that I know he likes if we're going out. That's about it. 

littlepep

Also one time, I bought a cute plaid button up to wear with leggings. He told me it looks like a farmer outfit. Then he saw it on and was oh, you look like a cute farmer!

He cracks me up with his comments about fashion. Why is there a button that does work on that? Etc. 

amelisha

lolo883 said:

@amelisha I LOLed hard at "cut down to my breakfast."

I think that might be something I borrowed from FI's 90 year old grandmother.

Of course, she used it in the context "Hey, [FI's sister], maybe if you'd just dress like [girl at the party] with that blouse cut down to her breakfast, you'd finally get a boyfriend."

plainjane0415

Nope. No way no how.

 

 

[Deleted User]

redoryx

I wouldn't change anything for an SO -- but if he confirms what I was already thinking it might sway me a bit more. 

I have had contacts since 9th grade, so, like, nearly 20 years at this point. They were bugging me last week (and I'm way overdue for a check up) so I switched to glasses for a few days. Since I have the contacts you can sleep in, I wear them around the clock so my SO has never seen me in them. 

Thing is, wearing them for a few days I realized "Huh, I don't actually mind glasses so much after all and I think I look kinda adorable in them" and all day he kept telling me all weekend how cute I look in glasses. But then Monday rolls around and I pop my contacts back in. But knowing he liked what I was already thinking I may work the glasses into rotation more often, I just am not sure I'm ready to fully commit because I don't know how *I* feel about them full time yet.

katiekessler123

My husband always comments on my hair when I wear it in one particular way, so I do tend to wear it like that when we go out on a date night. There are certain outfits he comments on too, so I keep those in my on special nights. But, he would never tell me directly to wear certain things or style myself in certain ways.

NowIamMrsKlein

I have long natural red hair. verging on little mermaid here...

I have to admit that I think FI would be very sad if I ever dyed it, he adores it so much, and was one of the first things about me that caught his attention and made him want to introduce himself.

I don't think I would ever dye it, simply because it is a huge part of my identity, but if I were to I know that he would support me no matter what, that even though I know he would rather me keep the red that there would be no way in hell he would ever even think about saying not too.

(which is good because I'm starting to notice the white hairs, and I doubt ill ever be able to recreate my natural hair colour with dye)


I'm planning on donating my hair after the wedding and he's fully supportive for such a huge change.

I like FI to be vocal about what he likes, because of course I want to look good for him, as he does the same for me. If I absolutely hate a shirt of his, he wont wear it out on a date. And if he really likes a certain outfit, I have no problem with him suggesting I wear it. But there would never be any 'never wear that again' or 'dont cut your hair like that' 

tpwkalyn

Echoing the majority of PP's here by saying that I really don't mind when FI says "I like your hair long", or "I like this outfit".

He tells me he likes my hair long, I tell him I like his beard trimmed a little bit, but it's not like "trim your beard or I'm out". 

I also had an ex that tried to demand that I keep my hair long & blonde. He wanted me to go back to college for the sole purpose of joining a sorority so he could have a sorority girlfriend. Also, he was so critical of what I ate, I got to the point where I wouldn't even eat in front of him. Piece of shit. Guess what. He's married to a long blonde haired sorority girl now.

thisismynickname2

Fashion, yes, I listen to him. A PP said it best that an opinion is one thing, a directive is another. And he can give an opinion, but doesn't mean I'll listen to it. Hey, I like this jewelry, so who cares if he doesn't!  

I've had my hair long the entire time we've known each other and he likes it long, but said if I cut it short, he'd like to just be forewarned. He stalked my old pictures and said I looked good with short hair too. 

That's pretty much the extent. I haven't had any exes ever tell me to change myself or suggest as such, but I wouldn't say no to free breast implants. And then I'd dump the jerk too.

lyndausvi

SmileDamnit said:

People can (and should) have personal opinions on what they find aesthetically pleasing and I've got no problem with them, my DH included, sharing them. 

"I really like that dress" or "your hair looks great today" or even "those aren't my favorite shoes". 

When I would have a problem is when someone attempts to switch from opinion sharing to directive giving.

"Wear that dress tonight" or "You need to keep your hair short" or "never wear those shoes again".

THis.

and it goes both ways.  DH has a beard now.  I'm not a fan.  I've  told him I prefer him clean shaven.  He hasn't shaved it nor do I expect him too.   However he makes more of an effort to keep it trimmed, which I appreciate.    

DH prefers me with highlights.  That is what I had for the first 5 years together.   Then I went 3 years with dark hair.   When I would go to the salon and he said something like "are you getting highlights?"   Wasn't planning on it and I didn't.   Then 6 months ago time  I surprised him and got them.    Then I realized I like the highlights better on me too.

DH loves a french pedicure on me (again that is how my toes were when we meet).   I sometimes get french pedicure simply because it make hm happy.   He doesn't tell me to get that, I do it because his reaction is so damn cute.

littlepep

lyndausvi said:

SmileDamnit said:

People can (and should) have personal opinions on what they find aesthetically pleasing and I've got no problem with them, my DH included, sharing them. 

"I really like that dress" or "your hair looks great today" or even "those aren't my favorite shoes". 

When I would have a problem is when someone attempts to switch from opinion sharing to directive giving.

"Wear that dress tonight" or "You need to keep your hair short" or "never wear those shoes again".

THis.

and it goes both ways.  DH has a beard now.  I'm not a fan.  I've  told him I prefer him clean shaven.  He hasn't shaved it nor do I expect him too.   However he makes more of an effort to keep it trimmed, which I appreciate.    

DH prefers me with highlights.  That is what I had for the first 5 years together.   Then I went 3 years with dark hair.   When I would go to the salon and he said something like "are you getting highlights?"   Wasn't planning on it and I didn't.   Then 6 months ago time  I surprised him and got them.    Then I realized I like the highlights better on me too.

DH loves a french pedicure on me (again that is how my toes were when we meet).   I sometimes get french pedicure simply because it make hm happy.   He doesn't tell me to get that, I do it because his reaction is so damn cute.

My FI grows a beard every winter. I am not a fan of it either, but he loves it. He feels like he can't go skiing without his beard. I'm pretty sure his beard has it's own fan club too. I wouldn't dream of telling him not to grow it. It's not my face. 

hellosweetie1015

lyndausvi said:

SmileDamnit said:

People can (and should) have personal opinions on what they find aesthetically pleasing and I've got no problem with them, my DH included, sharing them. 

"I really like that dress" or "your hair looks great today" or even "those aren't my favorite shoes". 

When I would have a problem is when someone attempts to switch from opinion sharing to directive giving.

"Wear that dress tonight" or "You need to keep your hair short" or "never wear those shoes again".

THis.

and it goes both ways.  DH has a beard now.  I'm not a fan.  I've  told him I prefer him clean shaven.  He hasn't shaved it nor do I expect him too.   However he makes more of an effort to keep it trimmed, which I appreciate.    

DH prefers me with highlights.  That is what I had for the first 5 years together.   Then I went 3 years with dark hair.   When I would go to the salon and he said something like "are you getting highlights?"   Wasn't planning on it and I didn't.   Then 6 months ago time  I surprised him and got them.    Then I realized I like the highlights better on me too.

DH loves a french pedicure on me (again that is how my toes were when we meet).   I sometimes get french pedicure simply because it make hm happy.   He doesn't tell me to get that, I do it because his reaction is so damn cute.

I honestly cannot imagine my FI being excited about me getting a pedicure. I wish he did. He is adorable when he's really excited about something.

He has stated that he is not a fan of the backscratches he receives when I have acrylics on. Will it stop me getting acrylics? Fuuuuuuuck no. Although I don't get them often enough for it to really have an effect - I had them for about two weeks before I bit them off this winter, and I hadn't had them in the entire time he'd known me before that. So. There's that.