what's wrong with a honeymoon registry?

ink365

I noticed a couple posts suggesting that it is frowned upon to have a honeymoon registry. I was wondering about the reasoning behind this.

I have had a couple friends who had honeymoon registries for their wedding and thought it was a cool idea. My SO and I were talking about having one in addition to a more traditional registry when we get married.

We have been living together for over a year now and already have most of the things we need for the house, so we thought it might be better to ask for contributions towards cool experiences on our honeymoon rather than stuff we don't really need.

I'm curious to hear what the thoughts are towards proper etiquette in this situation.

As a side note, the BF and I are not yet officially engaged, though we have bought a ring (yay!), so it's all just talk and speculation at this point. Just lurking on the forums triyng to get a feel for what is and isn't appropriate before I have to start thinking about actually planning anything (yikes).

poodledoodleooo

1) Because it is basically asking for cash, and asking for cash is as rude as hell

2) Companies take a cut from the gifts given to the couple. Meaning Aunt Sue gave you $100, but you'll only receive 97. This adds up quickly for your guests.

3) Aunt Sue will think she gave you a zip lining excursion, or what have you, but really you'll just get the cash back from the company. Which means you can use the cash however you like, so Aunt Sue didn't buy you a zip lining excursion at all...

4) Everyone, and I mean everyone, knows that cash gifts are totally acceptable and that the couple can use the cash on a honeymoon if they so choose. This essentially makes the honeymoon registry pointless.

5) They are different from traditional registries in that a registry is essentially a wish list - not an ask for specific items.

ETA: Yay for lurking and learning! You'll learn a lot here. I sure did!

flantastic

ink365 said:

I noticed a couple posts suggesting that it is frowned upon to have a honeymoon registry. I was wondering about the reasoning behind this.

I have had a couple friends who had honeymoon registries for their wedding and thought it was a cool idea. My SO and I were talking about having one in addition to a more traditional registry when we get married.

We have been living together for over a year now and already have most of the things we need for the house, so we thought it might be better to ask for contributions towards cool experiences on our honeymoon rather than stuff we don't really need.

I'm curious to hear what the thoughts are towards proper etiquette in this situation.

As a side note, the BF and I are not yet officially engaged, though we have bought a ring (yay!), so it's all just talk and speculation at this point. Just lurking on the forums triyng to get a feel for what is and isn't appropriate before I have to start thinking about actually planning anything (yikes).

Because it's asking for gifts, when gifts are not actually required. Traditional registries aren't an ask, just a list to give people an idea of your style and what you might need (although they can become tacky and a definite ask if they get shared all over creation). No one needs to be told that cash is a good gift, although they may need some help knowing whether you would want a 20 qt stockpot.

In addition, it's just bad financial sense.

Scenario 1: You don't register. People, because they are not idiots, know this means you don't need much, and give you cash for their gift amount. You get to keep 100% of the money they give you.

Scenario 2: You set up a Honeyfund. People, who are confused and think they're really directly giving you a cool experience, donate their gift amount. Other people, who know how Honeyfunds work and are disgusted by the ask for money, give you less money than they were originally going to. You get to keep 93-97% of the money they give you.

edit - typo

lovegood90

It's rude because a honeymoon registry is asking for money. Asking for money is rude. This isn't difficult.

mikenberger

ink365 said:

I noticed a couple posts suggesting that it is frowned upon to have a honeymoon registry. I was wondering about the reasoning behind this.

I have had a couple friends who had honeymoon registries for their wedding and thought it was a cool idea. My SO and I were talking about having one in addition to a more traditional registry when we get married.

We have been living together for over a year now and already have most of the things we need for the house, so we thought it might be better to ask for contributions towards cool experiences on our honeymoon rather than stuff we don't really need.

I'm curious to hear what the thoughts are towards proper etiquette in this situation.

As a side note, the BF and I are not yet officially engaged, though we have bought a ring (yay!), so it's all just talk and speculation at this point. Just lurking on the forums triyng to get a feel for what is and isn't appropriate before I have to start thinking about actually planning anything (yikes).

Because if you get a bunch of money for your reception because you didn't register for any boxed gifts.... you can't.... take that money with you?.. What?

lyndausvi

sjf2715 said:

1) Because it is basically asking for cash, and asking for cash is as rude as hell

2) Companies take a cut from the gifts given to the couple. Meaning Aunt Sue gave you $100, but you'll only receive 97. This adds up quickly for your guests.

3) Aunt Sue will think she gave you a zip lining excursion, or what have you, but really you'll just get the cash back from the company. Which means you can use the cash however you like, so Aunt Sue didn't buy you a zip lining excursion at all...

4) Everyone, and I mean everyone, knows that cash gifts are totally acceptable and that the couple can use the cash on a honeymoon if they so choose. This essentially makes the honeymoon registry pointless.

5) They are different from traditional registries in that a registry is essentially a wish list - not an ask for specific items.

ETA: Yay for lurking and learning! You'll learn a lot here. I sure did!

this, this, this.

They are not giving you an experience.  They are giving you 90-93% cash and a 3rd party 7-10% cash.

It makes no economic sense AT ALL.

People have being giving cash for years.   Years.  My siblings all got married 20 years ago and they got cash.  I  have cousins who got married 40 years ago.  Again they got cash.  Giving cash is not new.

If you do not need anything they just don't have a shower.   It's just that simple.   

KatWAG

Why not read one of the 100+ threads that have already covered this topic in extensive detail?

arrrghmatey

PPs have it pretty much covered. Bottom line is that it is rude to ask for money. If you two do not wish to have items bought for you, then do not have a registry for anything. Not even a traditional registry. People will get the hint and will give you cash at the wedding if they decide to give you gifts.

theartistformerlyknownas

There's a search bar...

VulgarGirl

Oh! You guys have already lived together for awhile and have bought some home stuff together and have most of the basics? Well that makes you totally different and unique. No one else has lived together before marriage. 

My wife and I lived together for 9 years before our wedding. We still managed to not have a honeymoon fund cause we knew asking for cash was fucking rude. Some people gave us cash. Cause people aren't dumbshits and already know cash makes an awesome fucking gift.

ashley8918

Everything.

ink365

mikenberger said:

Because if you get a bunch of money for your reception because you didn't register for any boxed gifts.... you can't.... take that money with you?.. What?

Ok. But what if we go on a cruise? I assume all of your shore excursions have to be booked in advance. Cash wouldn't help after the fact in that case.

I agree that asking for money is tacky. How saying "these are the extras we want to do on our honeymoon. If you are going to give us something we would like to be abe to do these things over receiving an item." Is any different than saying "these are the things we want/need for the house."

I was not aware that honeymoon registries worked lIke that. I have not done any research on them, as I am no where near the point of actually going to set one up.

The one I looked at was through a cruise line, and all I noted was, hey we could set up a registry where people could get us horseback riding on the beach instead of a Cook set. I didn't look at anything beyond that.

It was just an honest question. I don't see a reason to get snarky and sarcastic.

drunkenwitch

PP's have covered it so I'll just pull up a chair and wait for the response from the OP...

 

novella1186

ink365 said:

Because if you get a bunch of money for your reception because you didn't register for any boxed gifts.... you can't.... take that money with you?.. What?

Ok. But what if we go on a cruise? I assume all of your shore excursions have to be booked in advance. Cash wouldn't help after the fact in that case.

I agree that asking for money is tacky. How saying "these are the extras we want to do on our honeymoon. If you are going to give us something we would like to be abe to do these things over receiving an item." Is any different than saying "these are the things we want/need for the house."

I was not aware that honeymoon registries worked lIke that. I have not done any research on them, as I am no where near the point of actually going to set one up.

The one I looked at was through a cruise line, and all I noted was, hey we could set up a registry where people could get us horseback riding on the beach instead of a Cook set. I didn't look at anything beyond that.

It was just an honest question. I don't see a reason to get snarky and sarcastic.

If you need other people to pay for your cruise ahead of time, then you shouldn't have booked a cruise. Book the honeymoon you can afford. It's not your guests' responsibility to pay for your vacation. 

And in regards to the bolded, snarky and sarcastic are things we do well here. It's nothing personal against you, it's just the tone of these boards. Don't take offense. (And people don't take too kindly to being told how they can post in a public forum) 

lyndausvi

ink365 said:

Because if you get a bunch of money for your reception because you didn't register for any boxed gifts.... you can't.... take that money with you?.. What?

Ok. But what if we go on a cruise? I assume all of your shore excursions have to be booked in advance. Cash wouldn't help after the fact in that case.

I agree that asking for money is tacky. How saying "these are the extras we want to do on our honeymoon. If you are going to give us something we would like to be abe to do these things over receiving an item." Is any different than saying "these are the things we want/need for the house."

I was not aware that honeymoon registries worked lIke that. I have not done any research on them, as I am no where near the point of actually going to set one up.

The one I looked at was through a cruise line, and all I noted was, hey we could set up a registry where people could get us horseback riding on the beach instead of a Cook set. I didn't look at anything beyond that.

It was just an honest question. I don't see a reason to get snarky and sarcastic.

It really depends on where you are HM, but we had to pay 50% of our safari lodge when we booked 7 months out.  Then because of exchange rates we ended up paying with other 50% 4 months out.   

My shower wasn't until 3 months out. Which is early in most circles, but I was OOT so it was the only time I could fly up.  My shower had about 30 people.    I would say 80% of our wedding gifts came on our wedding day.  The other 20% were either before or after the wedding.  With the ones before being sent AFTER the invites went out.  Which was 9 weeks before the wedding.

I think my wedding gift timeline is pretty typical.   My HM payment schedule might be different.  But my point is if you are having a HM right after the wedding it's unlikely you will get wedding money before payments and/or deposits are due.    Might as well take the cash from the wedding then waiting a few weeks AFTER your event to get a check minus the 7-10% fee.

On another note, not all excursions need to be bought in advance.

ETA - it depends on the company but often you get the HM fund check AFTER the event.  Not as people deposit into the account.  

ink365

lolo883 said:

There's a search bar...

Please forgive me. I'm new here. Legit did not see the search feature.

Sorry I missed it. Would have been much safer for me, although clearly less entertaining for you guys.

mikenberger

ink365 said:

lolo883 said:

There's a search bar...

Please forgive me. I'm new here. Legit did not see the search feature.

Sorry I missed it. Would have been much safer for me, although clearly less entertaining for you guys.

Yeah and you single me out. I was pretty fucking bland compared to some.

Asking for money is tacky as hell. Honeymoon funds take your guests money. Don't register. Get money. If you receive boxed gifts, they were going to give you a boxed gift regardless of your disasterous life choice of a honeymoon fund.

drunkenwitch

I'm out of snacks anyway.

Heffalump

ink365 said:

We have been living together for over a year now and already have most of the things we need for the house, so we thought it might be better to ask for contributions towards cool experiences on our honeymoon rather than stuff we don't really need.

Protip:  you don't need a vacation either.  It's nice to have, but it's not a requirement.

WinstonsGirl

Other people have covered it already, but as a personal note, the last wedding I was invited to asked for money for their HM since they already lived together.  They got alcohol glasses cos there is no way I'm giving money to anyone asking directly for it.  They also didn't take a HM, which left a yucky taste in my mouth.  

Lots of your guests will feel offended by being asked to give money, though they'll likely never say this to you directly.  

mikenberger

Heffalump said:

ink365 said:

We have been living together for over a year now and already have most of the things we need for the house, so we thought it might be better to ask for contributions towards cool experiences on our honeymoon rather than stuff we don't really need.

Protip:  you don't need a vacation either.  It's nice to have, but it's not a requirement.

Um yeah it is. Because EVERY COUPLE DESERVES A HONEYMOON AFTER THEY GET MARRIED.

*barf*

ink365

mikenberger said:

ink365 said:

lolo883 said:

There's a search bar...

Please forgive me. I'm new here. Legit did not see the search feature.

Sorry I missed it. Would have been much safer for me, although clearly less entertaining for you guys.

Yeah and you single me out. I was pretty fucking bland compared to some.

Yeah you just happened to be the first. I think some of the others posted after I had already started to reply. I'm slow typing on my phone.

You guys do make some good points as to why they are pretty much impractical unless you wait to honeymoon, and in bad taste regardless.

Sorry to come off as defensive. I was not prepared for backlash when I posted. First time and all...

lovegood90

WinstonsGirl said:

Other people have covered it already, but as a personal note, the last wedding I was invited to asked for money for their HM since they already lived together.  They got alcohol glasses cos there is no way I'm giving money to anyone asking directly for it.  They also didn't take a HM, which left a yucky taste in my mouth.  

Lots of your guests will feel offended by being asked to give money, though they'll likely never say this to you directly.  

Yes, this! I give money at weddings 99% of the time (that 1% being if it's someone older/clearly more "established" than me- ie I felt too weird giving my dad $ as his wedding gift, same with my uncle).

But if I'm being outright asked for money, I make a point to get them a boxed gift. But if there were no mention of honeymoon registries, gift cards, cash, etc? They totally would have gotten cash from me.

thisismynickname2

If there's nothing else that could possibly turn you (general you) off from this idea, think of the fact that if you literally can't afford a honeymoon, they you won't get "the dream" one, even with a honeymoon registry, because people are not going to give you enough money to jet off to Tahiti and stay in an overwater bungalow. Maybe enough for a lovely long weekend within a few hours' drive of your home. 

If you can afford a honeymoon, it's not rocket science to realize that the $50 you drew from your savings account to pay your credit card for the day-long tour of whatever can be reimbursed to your savings account after the wedding with the check your auntie gave you in her card at the reception. 

Edit: words added because I sounded judgy. I'm sorry. 

Cookie Pusher

Besides the fees, you don't get the money right away anyway - you get a check after the wedding. If you leave for your honeymoon right away, what good does that do you? At least with cash, you can take it with you or deposit it right away in the ATM along with any checks you receive.

VulgarGirl

ink365 said:

. I don't see a reason to get snarky and sarcastic.

Oh baby. This is TK. All we do is snark and sarcasm. It ain't gonna stop just for you, we don't do kid gloves for grown people.

theartistformerlyknownas

You don't need a honeymoon or a cruise excursion to swim with dolphins any more than you need a new blender or bath towels. Asking for these things is flat out insulting to people who've never taken a lavish vacation and really just want to help get your new life off to a good start. Especially when you use the guise of "but I just absolutely don't need any more household goods!" to tell your great Aunt Myrtle that she can take her monogrammed tea cozies and shove them. Don't need that stuff? Super; don't register. Let people contribute as they choose to.

Really want to go on a vacation you can't afford? Put it on a credit card and hope to pay it back with cash gifts, but don't come crying here when you didn't get enough money to do so.

southernbelle0915

ink365 said:

mikenberger said:

ink365 said:

lolo883 said:

Sorry to come off as defensive. I was not prepared for backlash when I posted. First time and all...

No it's not. You've posted before...

Anyway, I'll ditto PPs that it's against etiquette because:

1) it's asking for money which is always rude

2) it's misleading - people think they're buying swimming with dolphins when they're really just paying money (7-10%) to give you money

3) it's a waste of people's money (see #2)

Further, it's not practical for you because you get less. Let's say "swimming with dolphins" is $100. Guest pays $100 to HM registry. You get $93. If they were going to give you $100, they could have just written you a check.

And even further, if you don't actually swim with dolphins, you REALLY mislead your guests. Kind of like when people who panhandle say they're going to buy food, but they really go buy cigarettes. I'd rather give money to the guy with a sign that says "beer money please." At least he's honest.

ShesSoCold

southernbelle0915 said:

mikenberger said:

ink365 said:

lolo883 said:

Sorry to come off as defensive. I was not prepared for backlash when I posted. First time and all...

No it's not. You've posted before...

Anyway, I'll ditto PPs that it's against etiquette because:

1) it's asking for money which is always rude

2) it's misleading - people think they're buying swimming with dolphins when they're really just paying money (7-10%) to give you money

3) it's a waste of people's money (see #2)

Further, it's not practical for you because you get less. Let's say "swimming with dolphins" is $100. Guest pays $100 to HM registry. You get $93. If they were going to give you $100, they could have just written you a check.

And even further, if you don't actually swim with dolphins, you REALLY mislead your guests. Kind of like when people who panhandle say they're going to buy food, but they really go buy cigarettes. I'd rather give money to the guy with a sign that says "beer money please." At least he's honest.

ink365

southernbelle0915 said:

ink365 said:

mikenberger said:

ink365 said:

lolo883 said:

Sorry to come off as defensive. I was not prepared for backlash when I posted. First time and all...

No it's not. You've posted before..

I meant on this particular board. First time asking a legit question, wasn't counting my one other ooey-gooey OMG we bought a ring post on the NEY board.

I was not expecting such a harsh response on the manners board. Oh the irony...

ashley8918

You don't need a honeymoon or a cruise excursion to swim with dolphins any more than you need a new blender or bath towels. Asking for these things is flat out insulting to people who've never taken a lavish vacation and really just want to help get your new life off to a good start. Especially when you use the guise of "but I just absolutely don't need any more household goods!" to tell your great Aunt Myrtle that she can take her monogrammed tea cozies and shove them. Don't need that stuff? Super; don't register. Let people contribute as they choose to.

Really want to go on a vacation you can't afford? Put it on a credit card and hope to pay it back with cash gifts, but don't come crying here when you didn't get enough money to do so.

But what you do need is a ring that's up to your standards of prettiness.