Bride Requiring Bridal Party & Family To Help Clean Up After Wedding

PurplekittenMew

No.

banana468

Wow.   

Well, I'm sorry about the marriage part if sorry is due.

But holy crap that's not nice to do to the BP.   And if I'm close enough to be a BP member, at some point I'm going to nut up and tell you that I think being voluntold was bad enough but doing it 2 days before the wedding is extra shitty.     If that creates a friendship rift then I probably don't like you.

LD1970

I'd tell her I couldn't stay.

I would not ask anyone else to take over "my duties" because then I'd feel as unreasonable as the bride.

I'd leave 15 minutes early.

I'd cancel the hair appointment & not show up for it.

I'd show up with my makeup & hair done MY way.

novella1186

OwningAHome1981 said:

I'm just annoyed now, esp after the nasty email she sent acting like none of us did anything. Meanwhile I traveled 2 hours to her shower to set everything up by myself. She should be kissing the ground I walk on. I told her I am bolting afterward. She was upset but whatever. I'm not doing it. She keeps saying she doesnt want drama but yet the bms aren't the one causing it!

Anyone who repeatedly says they don't want drama is a total drama monger. Fact. 

PurplekittenMew

"I don't want any drama!  I just want you to do everything I say without question!"

OwningAHome1981

I think some of the BP is still doing it, but i'm trying to get everyone else to bail too. I spoke my mind so i'm the bad guy now lol

blabla89

MairePoppy said:

It's the bride and groom's responsibility to clean up or pay someone to do so, but I'm sympathetic if the wedding is a budget wedding that was otherwise hosted properly. I have pitched in to clean up after weddings that were held in the kind of places where you rent the hall and hire outside caterers. No one asked me to help, but when the bride, groom, MOB and family members are clearing tables, I'm willing to clear a few tables, fold table cloths, carry some light items to their car etc.. nothing heavy duty. If the bride and groom aren't willing to do some of the dirty work, then I'm not, either.

If anyone assigned me to clean up, I'd say, 'sorry, I'm leaving early.'

Yep, I've volunteered to help clean up before and I don't mind it. But the keyword there is volunteered. If I was in a wedding and the bride TOLD me to do it the answer would have been hell no.

OwningAHome1981

The plot thickens. I called the venue out of sheer curiosity & they do not charge a fee so either b&g are really very clueless about weddings or they truly are d-bags

photokitty

OwningAHome1981 said:

The plot thickens. I called the venue out of sheer curiosity & they do not charge a fee so either b&g are really very clueless about weddings or they truly are d-bags

It's possible that your "cleaning duties" are collecting all and items owned by the couple or families? (still total BS) IE centerpieces, photos, guest book, leftover favors, etc and the gifts? The venue probably means to wash the dishes and sweep the floor...she didn't tell you to do that specifically did she? "Bring knee pads ladies, I want to see myself in this floor!!!!"

OwningAHome1981

Those are the kinds of things it is but still - not my job. Most venues around here put it in a box and either take it to your car or you come get it from them the next day. I am sure we are not going to be mopping floors, but still, it is the concept of the whole thing.

Jen4948

I was voluntold, along with the rest of my family, to help clean up at my cousin's wedding which my parents more or less hosted, since it was in the party room of their condo. My cousin and her husband didn't budget for it.

Just another example of how not to plan a wedding.

southernbelle0915

OwningAHome1981 said:

The plot thickens. I called the venue out of sheer curiosity & they do not charge a fee so either b&g are really very clueless about weddings or they truly are d-bags

Then it's probably loading stuff up. Like guest book, DIY stuff, etc. I agree - still not your job. And you probably would have volunteered if you hadn't been voluntold. 

If you still want to bounce, you are fully within your right to do so.

Realistically, I'd probably offer to do something really minimal - like "I'll take care of the registration table!" (which usually consists of a guest book, a pen and a picture frame or something) and then I would leave.

themuffinman16

My venue had everything in a box, besides the top wedding cake tier and the cards, we left everything else to be picked up the next day. I did not ask a single person to help me with shit. People offered to help but, I, all ready,  had a game plan how I was going to take care of things without having a draft of my nearest and dearest. I came back, the next day, and picked up all of my things after we checked out of our hotel. Mission accomplished.

[Deleted User]

The last wedding I went to was just like the one you are describing. FI was a groomsman, and about a week before the wedding the couple casually texted the wedding party announcing that they would be expected to 1) help set up before the rehearsal dinner 2) finish setting up the day of the wedding 3) clean up after the wedding was over

It was hell on Earth. Oh, and the SOs of the wedding party were expected to help, too. I did. We all did, but we were also all FURIOUS the entire time. 12pm the day of the wedding they sent us to Walmart to buy tubs to put kegs in. It was so stupid. 

The best part was that they hired a coordinator like two days before and she had no idea what was going on and she kept apologizing to us as we set everything up. Saying, "Oh my god, I don't even know what to say. The caterer usually does ____. The waitstaff usually does ____. I'm so sorry!"

And to whoever said it earlier, we did pick apart everything they spent $ on that seemed unnecessary. Maybe it's petty, but I didn't care. They had like 5 different centerpieces. I mean the table was full of shit before the plates were even put on it (by us). WHY do you need a terrarium, flowers, small cacti, and little trinkets?! WHY!?!?! 

OP, I'm so happy you stood your ground. I wish we had. The kicker was that the bride lost her shit when she heard the groomsmen were mad about having to help like this. She kept saying how they should "be honored to have been picked by her FI."

JellyBean52513

OwningAHome1981 said:

I'm just annoyed now, esp after the nasty email she sent acting like none of us did anything. Meanwhile I traveled 2 hours to her shower to set everything up by myself. She should be kissing the ground I walk on. I told her I am bolting afterward. She was upset but whatever. I'm not doing it. She keeps saying she doesnt want drama but yet the bms aren't the one causing it!

This sounds like my old boss. I have come to believe that the people who adamantly express their desire for NO DRAMA are actually saying DON'T REACT TO THE BULLSHIT I CAUSE IN A WAY THAT I WON'T LIKE.

JellyBean52513

@novella1186 @Purplekittenmew I didn't even click onto the second page to see your posts about drama before posting my own about my old boss. My theory has officially been substantiated and proven. Thanks ladies, I knew it wasn't just me who felt that way.

WonderBride519

Ugh, this drives me insane! When FI and I began talking about the wedding, the FIRST thing I said was that I refuse to ask friends and family to help us clean up a reception site. That we would be hiring someone for that if the reception venue doesn't do it.

The first time I realized this was a thing was when FI was the best man in a wedding and he left with me to go get drinks post reception and said the B&G would meet us out later because they had to clean the reception hall. They, however, refused to allow any WP members or guests to help them, as they felt like they needed to be the ones to do it.

Now, I'm the MOH for my sister's upcoming wedding, totally DIY, and have already been voluntold for the set-up/breakdown plans. It's fine, she's my sister, but it's all DIY, and with the $$ she's actually saving by doing this she could hire someone... But, what do I know about any of that... Lol!

whovianstark

arrrghmatey said:

 

I enjoy helping set up for an event so I didn't think this was a big deal until FI had to serve alcohol at a wedding in which he was a groomsman. By the time he got a break all of the food was gone except for cold meats. So, by the end of the wedding he was starving. Ever since then I've been like "nope, no one is helping with our wedding"

kvruns

if I had a 2.5 drive back home I probably wouldn't be staying for the whole reception anyway, let alone stay to clean up.  I've only stayed through 2, one was my brother's and I kind of "had" to, and then I stayed all the way through one last summer but that was because we were drinking a ton and staying at the hotel where the reception was held - otherwise probably wouldn't have stayed that long.

Now that I think about it I'm the bad BM because one of the girls stayed with the bride the night before and got forced into decorating at the reception site until about 1am (plus then an hour + drive back to bride's house) the night before and then my BFF was also a BM and while she stayed in the hotel too she is apparently nicer than me and helped put away centerpieces and stuff.  I am pretty sure someone handed me a centerpiece and I peaced out - no sticking around to clean up.  oops

arrrghmatey

I was once asked to be available to help set up before a wedding by the MOH, and I wasn't even a member of the bridal party. The bride was requiring them to help set up and all of the other bridesmaids appeared to had bailed out on her.

whovianstark

kvruns said:

if I had a 2.5 drive back home I probably wouldn't be staying for the whole reception anyway, let alone stay to clean up.  I've only stayed through 2, one was my brother's and I kind of "had" to, and then I stayed all the way through one last summer but that was because we were drinking a ton and staying at the hotel where the reception was held - otherwise probably wouldn't have stayed that long.

Now that I think about it I'm the bad BM because one of the girls stayed with the bride the night before and got forced into decorating at the reception site until about 1am (plus then an hour + drive back to bride's house) the night before and then my BFF was also a BM and while she stayed in the hotel too she is apparently nicer than me and helped put away centerpieces and stuff.  I am pretty sure someone handed me a centerpiece and I peaced out - no sticking around to clean up.  oops

You weren't a bad bridesmaid. Honestly, clean up will be the CHEAPEST service for the couple so they shouldn't have any problem paying for it.

lembaslover

This happened to me for my FSIL's wedding. She had schedules and everything printed out for everyone. At the time I was just dating her brother and wasn't in the wedding party. I mean I didn't totally mind setting up that was kind of fun. But the tear down that night was brutal... everyone was complaining about it. Honestly it's what we all remember most about the wedding was all the work we did... The first thing I looked for when finding my venue was a place that did the setup and tear down for us. That way people will remember what a great time they had and they can appreciate the things like centerpieces rather than criticizing them saying I wish they'd spent less on this and paid the tear down fee...

MnHGirl

The venue we booked requires that our items (gifts, cp, flowers, etc) are removed by 1:30 AM but the venue staff will be doing the other cleaning. The venue is also doing most of the decorating so that will also big a big help. 

We have asked some family to help but I would never demand someone to do it especially the bridal party. We expect the dance to finish around 11:15-11:30 (that is late for me!) and we will have an enclosed trailer at the venue that our items can be shoved into and stored locked overnight. 

KatWAG

MnHGirl said:

The venue we booked requires that our items (gifts, cp, flowers, etc) are removed by 1:30 AM but the venue staff will be doing the other cleaning. The venue is also doing most of the decorating so that will also big a big help. 

We have asked some family to help but I would never demand someone to do it especially the bridal party. We expect the dance to finish around 11:15-11:30 (that is late for me!) and we will have an enclosed trailer at the venue that our items can be shoved into and stored locked overnight. 

I don't think you should have asked. If they volunteer, great. But its not your family's responsibility to clean up after your party. You should do it or pay someone to do it.

madamerwin

Ugh. That is so frustrating. My sister, who is getting married in August, recently told me that the bridal party will be helping with cleanup after her Sunday evening wedding (I am a bridesmaid). I told her that while I am sure there will be plenty of people who would absolutely love to help clean up after, she needs to ask for volunteers, not tell the bridal party they need to help. I also reminded her that as it is a Sunday evening wedding, there will be people who will just not be able to help (myself included, I have to fly home and go to work the next morning).

Any time she talks about wedding stuff (much of which is not ok etiquette-wise), I straight up tell her what's what. But then again, she's my sister, and I am not too worried about offending her.

But if she pulled the shit OP's friend is pulling - telling people 2 days ahead that they HAVE to help - I would refuse on principle, even if I were free to help.

ETA Words

whovianstark

MnHGirl said:

The venue we booked requires that our items (gifts, cp, flowers, etc) are removed by 1:30 AM but the venue staff will be doing the other cleaning. The venue is also doing most of the decorating so that will also big a big help. 

We have asked some family to help but I would never demand someone to do it especially the bridal party. We expect the dance to finish around 11:15-11:30 (that is late for me!) and we will have an enclosed trailer at the venue that our items can be shoved into and stored locked overnight. 

Honestly, I bet you know some teenagers that you weren't going to invite but would be happy to help if you paid them. When I was a teenager I would have loved that.

huskypuppy14

whovianstark said:

MnHGirl said:

The venue we booked requires that our items (gifts, cp, flowers, etc) are removed by 1:30 AM but the venue staff will be doing the other cleaning. The venue is also doing most of the decorating so that will also big a big help. 

We have asked some family to help but I would never demand someone to do it especially the bridal party. We expect the dance to finish around 11:15-11:30 (that is late for me!) and we will have an enclosed trailer at the venue that our items can be shoved into and stored locked overnight. 

Honestly, I bet you know some teenagers that you weren't going to invite but would be happy to help if you paid them. When I was a teenager I would have loved that.

I wouldn't trust some random people with my wedding gifts though. Our venue was awesome and packed everything and put it in the van my parents rented for the weekend. My husband or my dad took our card box, I think, because we had that in our hotel room that night. I think I carried a couple things when the venue manager told me they would take care of it, and to go to greet my guests at the after party. 

I did help my sister and her husband with her gifts at their wedding. They had a lot of boxed gifts. After that, I will never bring a boxed gift to a wedding (I usually give a card with money anyway). It was a lot of work. 

OwningAHome1981

huskypuppy14 said:

whovianstark said:

MnHGirl said:

The venue we booked requires that our items (gifts, cp, flowers, etc) are removed by 1:30 AM but the venue staff will be doing the other cleaning. The venue is also doing most of the decorating so that will also big a big help. 

We have asked some family to help but I would never demand someone to do it especially the bridal party. We expect the dance to finish around 11:15-11:30 (that is late for me!) and we will have an enclosed trailer at the venue that our items can be shoved into and stored locked overnight. 

Honestly, I bet you know some teenagers that you weren't going to invite but would be happy to help if you paid them. When I was a teenager I would have loved that.

I wouldn't trust some random people with my wedding gifts though. Our venue was awesome and packed everything and put it in the van my parents rented for the weekend. My husband or my dad took our card box, I think, because we had that in our hotel room that night. I think I carried a couple things when the venue manager told me they would take care of it, and to go to greet my guests at the after party. 

I did help my sister and her husband with her gifts at their wedding. They had a lot of boxed gifts. After that, I will never bring a boxed gift to a wedding (I usually give a card with money anyway). It was a lot of work. 

See the thing is here it is only cash gifts mostly so all the shit we'd be packing up is their own personal shit, which the venue should help with. It's wrong of this couple whether it's a lot of things or not.

huskypuppy14

OwningAHome1981 said:

whovianstark said:

MnHGirl said:

The venue we booked requires that our items (gifts, cp, flowers, etc) are removed by 1:30 AM but the venue staff will be doing the other cleaning. The venue is also doing most of the decorating so that will also big a big help. 

We have asked some family to help but I would never demand someone to do it especially the bridal party. We expect the dance to finish around 11:15-11:30 (that is late for me!) and we will have an enclosed trailer at the venue that our items can be shoved into and stored locked overnight. 

Honestly, I bet you know some teenagers that you weren't going to invite but would be happy to help if you paid them. When I was a teenager I would have loved that.

I wouldn't trust some random people with my wedding gifts though. Our venue was awesome and packed everything and put it in the van my parents rented for the weekend. My husband or my dad took our card box, I think, because we had that in our hotel room that night. I think I carried a couple things when the venue manager told me they would take care of it, and to go to greet my guests at the after party. 

I did help my sister and her husband with her gifts at their wedding. They had a lot of boxed gifts. After that, I will never bring a boxed gift to a wedding (I usually give a card with money anyway). It was a lot of work. 

See the thing is here it is only cash gifts mostly so all the shit we'd be packing up is their own personal shit, which the venue should help with. It's wrong of this couple whether it's a lot of things or not.

Yeah, no. Take care of your own shit. Where are they going immediately after the wedding? 

whovianstark

huskypuppy14 said:

whovianstark said:

MnHGirl said:

The venue we booked requires that our items (gifts, cp, flowers, etc) are removed by 1:30 AM but the venue staff will be doing the other cleaning. The venue is also doing most of the decorating so that will also big a big help. 

We have asked some family to help but I would never demand someone to do it especially the bridal party. We expect the dance to finish around 11:15-11:30 (that is late for me!) and we will have an enclosed trailer at the venue that our items can be shoved into and stored locked overnight. 

Honestly, I bet you know some teenagers that you weren't going to invite but would be happy to help if you paid them. When I was a teenager I would have loved that.

I wouldn't trust some random people with my wedding gifts though. Our venue was awesome and packed everything and put it in the van my parents rented for the weekend. My husband or my dad took our card box, I think, because we had that in our hotel room that night. I think I carried a couple things when the venue manager told me they would take care of it, and to go to greet my guests at the after party. 

I did help my sister and her husband with her gifts at their wedding. They had a lot of boxed gifts. After that, I will never bring a boxed gift to a wedding (I usually give a card with money anyway). It was a lot of work. 

Oh good point! I wouldn't trust anyone with my gifts. I just meant like centerpieces and stuff that is no longer that important to me.