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Wedding 911

Parents want me to change my wedding bc they found a cruise...

So, we've been planning on our wedding being on Nov 1, 2015 for about a year now. We had a venue, then decided we didn't want it because of all these hidden costs we found. Fine, done. We totally revamped what we wanted for our wedding... now, you don't have to agree, you just need to know what we want!

* Destination wedding! But with a spin! We found an AMAZING 10 bedroom house with a killer outdoor area. We go to this beach, everyone we invite just has to get there & we pay for the house. This is our gift to the closest of friends & family members for making the 5 hour drive to the beach, and/or flight for the furthest of his family. This location is actually about 1/2 way between everyone invited! We're having no more than 20 people & no kids are invited except the flower girl & ring bearer.
 We get the house on Nov 1. We can't have the wedding on Nov 1. If we did that, we'd be asking these parents to leave their children behind on Halloween to be able to attend the rehearsal the day before. Which is also a groomsman's birthday. We're just not going to ask that of these people who mean a lot to us.
So, check in on Nov 1. People start showing up on Nov 2, rehearsal day. Nov 3, wedding day. Nov 4, hang out day! Just eat, drink & be married!! Maybe nurse the hang over! Nov 5, check out day.
In Florida, all the rates go down starting November 1. By $3000 at most locations. For the specific house I described above, $1600.
And I hate EVERYTHING about October. I can't explain what may have happened to me to dislike it so much, but the evil spirit, witch, ghost thing that society has made it... I just don't like it. I don't even like the color orange. Irrational, I know, but that doesn't make me like it any more! I LOVE November because people start all the lights & decorations for Christmas! I'm not a religious person, but I LOVE the season! Around here, Idk why people start Nov 1, but they do! Some people start before Halloween!

My parents have been aware of Nov 1 for month now. They sent me a text message a week ago saying "Booking a 50 day Euro cruise on Oct 30, so you'll need to watch the dogs." 4 dogs & 2 cats, by the way.
I immediately called them. I reiterated our wedding time frame. They said "It's a once in a life time thing! Please don't make us miss it! We won't go on any more cruises before this one!" (Because I'm the appointed dog caretaker in their mind, screw whatever I have going on in my life... )
The conversation continued to them saying this cruise happens once per year..
So, this "once in a lifetime cruise that happens every year" is more important to my wedding?

We go talk to them. My dad says to my fiance "So we're booking that cruise!" Fiance: "You're going to miss our wedding then..." Dad: (Shrugs his shoulders with a look of disdain) "Oh well."
They tell us how they're getting this amazing deal that's for this one cruise only & it's the only time my dad will get to go to Italy (he's Italian) & laying on the guilt trip big time. I looked over to my fiance & said I feel bad... And I did.

My dad comes back into the room as we tell them the updated wedding time frame. He starts yelling about the date, then that we're having a destination wedding & he'll have to drive there. They said "So we're going to have to drive 9 hours, attend the wedding, then drive back 9 hours?" Because they disregarded everything we had JUST said about the staying there the week. BUT they apparently don't want to be there for the rehearsal or the reception.

We go back to the drawing board, find a different house, still $1000 difference to have it in October vs November. Can't find a big enough house for any less. Even tried finding 2 houses side by side. No go.
We tell them "If we have in October, will you ay the difference so you can go on your cruise?" They said no & that it's not up to them to pay for other people's accommodations, that we're not being "traditional" and that were doing everything wrong. Also, 9 hours is too far of a drive for them.
It's only 5 hours, so idk where 9 comes from.
I reply "If the location is that big of an issue, why change the dates?"

They refuse to help financially, and the way I see it, they don't get a say. If they want to be there, they'll be there. But then again, my dad is like a child. He walked away when we were there talking, slammed the door behind him & threw things around the room. If they DO come to the wedding instead of the cruise, am I going to be on edge the whole time by them nagging out how they could've been on a cruise??

On the one hand: I move my dates, get a wedding anniversary that's in a month I hate for the rest of my life, pay at least an extra $1000 for it (I asked them if they'd pay the difference to move it around for them, they said no), & get a different house that is less spectacular than the original because the original is booked already. They get to go on their cruise.
On the other hand: I get my November wedding, save a couple thousand dollars, and they decide to go on the cruise and miss my wedding, or they don't cruise and b*tch about it for who knows how long. Because they are the King & Queen of b*tching and playing the guilt trip cards until they get what they want.

Am I being rude or mean by "denying" them this cruise? The date worked for them & everyone else until they found something better to do...

Re: Parents want me to change my wedding bc they found a cruise...

  • Also, November 3rd is a Tuesday, so be prepared for lots of people to decline. 
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    chibiyui
  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    What Southern said.

    And have you asked your VIPs if they are even interested in staying for 5 days. Because if it were me, I would come in for the wedding and that's it. Or decline. My vacation time is precious, and I want to spend my way, not on your wedding with your friends.

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    MesmrEwe
  • I'm sorry your parents are making this so difficult for you. But you have to decide what is more important: having them at your wedding during a time of year that you hate and may have trouble affording to pay for, or have the wedding you want without them there, and prepare to hear their complaints about it for years to come.

    Personally, if I were in your situation, I would call their bluff: "Sorry to hear you won't be able to make it to our wedding in November. But we've been planning this for some time and it is what we can afford. We'd love to still have you there." And see if they change their plans and still show up. But this is a call only you and your FI can make.
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    [Deleted User]momofbride530
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited March 2015

    I'm sorry your parents are making this so difficult for you. But you have to decide what is more important: having them at your wedding during a time of year that you hate and may have trouble affording to pay for, or have the wedding you want without them there, and prepare to hear their complaints about it for years to come.


    Personally, if I were in your situation, I would call their bluff: "Sorry to hear you won't be able to make it to our wedding in November. But we've been planning this for some time and it is what we can afford. We'd love to still have you there." And see if they change their plans and still show up. But this is a call only you and your FI can make.
    I agree. I personally think your parents are being assholes, but only you and your FI can make the final decision about when your wedding takes place.
    [Deleted User]
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I agree that your parents are being assholes. I'd continue with what you have planned. 

    [Deleted User]
  • I can't get over the part that you are having a child-free wedding, but are making people stay with you guys, for 5 days, without their kids. I'm not a parent and am all for child-free weddings, but this is crazy. I would never do this.

    I didn't gather that she was "making" anyone stay. My impression is that she got house from Nov 1 - Nov 5th and actually DIDN'T expect people come right away.
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    [Deleted User]japrincess24
  • I can't get over the part that you are having a child-free wedding, but are making people stay with you guys, for 5 days, without their kids. I'm not a parent and am all for child-free weddings, but this is crazy. I would never do this.

    I didn't gather that she was "making" anyone stay. My impression is that she got house from Nov 1 - Nov 5th and actually DIDN'T expect people come right away.
    I got the impression she was expecting everyone invited to stay. Maybe that's just how I read it.
  • PupatellaPupatella member
    100 Comments 100 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited March 2015
    Hi,

    Since you are having your wedding during the week, I would let all of your guests know (if you haven't already), so that they can plan vacation time accordingly!!

    As for your parents, that is horrible that they find a cruise more important than your wedding.  I would sit down with them and have a real heart to heart.  Explain how important it is for them to walk you down the aisle, for your Dad to do a father / daughter dance with you, for you and your Mom to get manicures together the day before, etc. And most importantly, they should just be there and support you on one of the most important days of your life.

    If they still find the cruise too important to them to pass up, and are complaining about driving 5 hours (or 9 by their calculations) for your wedding, then unfortunately you can't force them to go.  I would reiterate to them how hurt you will be if they are not there, and that's all you can do.

    It sounds like you found the perfect venue, as well as the perfect time.  Please do what you want for your wedding, and don't change everything to accommodate others pop up vacation schedules.  I think if your parents don't come, they will regret it for the rest of their lives.

    [Deleted User]
  • Sounds like parents don't want to come either way, if I'm reading into that correctly, then go with the date that you originally planned for.
    [Deleted User]MesmrEwe
  • beachyone15beachyone15 TEXAS (the home of my exes) member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    Man, your parents sound cold-hearted. I agree with calling their bluff. It's your wedding, you're paying, so it's your decision when to have it, especially since they had advance notice.

    Something similar happened with my in-laws. They were "talking about" booking a vacation in the month we were getting married. It would have been 2 weeks before the wedding which would have allowed them to do both - totally fine. But for some reason, MIL thought that would be "too much in the same month". My H called her bluff and said, "well, we're getting married in Oct like we planned, so we hope you can make it". She made it.


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    [Deleted User]kmmssg
  • Thank you, everyone, for all of your advice!

    I know having a week long thing is weird, and being that the only people invited are 90% of our wedding party, we did run the weekday wedding by them all. We also aren't requiring them to stay, but with a 9br house you get a lot of space and usually a game room. This one also has a theater, outdoor kitchen & is right on the beach!
    MesmrEwe
  • I can't get over the part that you are having a child-free wedding, but are making people stay with you guys, for 5 days, without their kids. I'm not a parent and am all for child-free weddings, but this is crazy. I would never do this.

    I didn't gather that she was "making" anyone stay. My impression is that she got house from Nov 1 - Nov 5th and actually DIDN'T expect people come right away.
    Right, I'm not telling people they can only come if they stay at the house or something. I just don't want kids running around the house when I'm drinking and hanging out with my close family & friends. I don't want to have to filter myself! Everyone is more than welcome to stay at the hotel that's 1 block away if they want to bring their kids... But if they want to come kid free & have a mini-vacay with their SO and us, then their accommodations are paid for :)
    And people wouldn't be showing up Nov 1, Fi and I would get there that day to get settled in & make little welcome gift baskets & assign the rooms.

  • So - who's going to watch FeFe and Fido while you're GONE on your Honeymoon???  NOT YOU!

    It's a tough call, and really, only you two can answer what the best decision to make is given your circumstances.  That said, some of my best friends had their wedding/reception without their parents present.  She is from the UK and his parents lived on opposite coasts, it is what it was...  Which reminds me - tomorrow's their anniversary! 


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    [Deleted User]MairePoppy
  • I also would have a tough call to make if I was a guest invited to a mid-week wedding. 

    For me to come, I'd have to really love you since I don't get a lot of vacation time at my old or new job per year.

    Now, the catch is I'm not your parents.  Your parents should want to come to your wedding.  It sucks that they're that self centered.
    CMGragainMairePoppy
  • You're paying for your own wedding therefore you shouldn't be accommodating your parent's schedules; it sounds like they're being extremely selfish.

    Have your wedding the way you planned it, they've known about it for a year and if they miss it then that's something they'll have to deal with. 

    Call their bluff, and let them know "You may want to find a reputable boarding company or someone else to watch the animals while you're gone on your cruise because I'll be getting married during that time. Sorry!"





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    [Deleted User]MesmrEwe
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