family/baby rant

banana468

sarahufl said:

KatWAG said:

banana468 said:

sarahufl said:

banana468 said:

KatWAG said:

larrygaga said:

I think I saw this on Downton Abbey but I think it holds true IRL.

If you stress about it you'll just make it harder to get preggo. Your little spermies and eggs don't like stress!!!

I hate when people say this. I find it condescending. TTC is stressful however, stress plays absolutely no part in whether a couple will get pregnant.

That's not exactly true.

Yes, but anyone who tells me not to "stress out" about TTC can shove it.

You would stress out if your first pregnancy resulted in a trip to the ER and a middle of the night surgery, too.

Absolutely!   And I completely understand that there's hardly a way NOT to stress.

My point is that for the "average" situation stress can still affect your ability to get pregnant.   And if you're not charting, you may have no way to know whether or not you even ovulated since you could have break through bleeding that isn't a period.    So it's not truthful to say "Stress plays not part in whether or not a couple will get pregnant."  

Fair point.

But it is not helpful to randomly tell someone not to stress. I think its rude and insensitive.

Medical advice needs to come from a certified medical professional. Not my mother in law.

Mothers in law know all.

theartistformerlyknownas

It's generally good advice to never tell ANYONE to "calm down." It's a good way to get yourself kicked in the shins.

kaos16

I really do love this site. . . i'm able to say that stuff here that in real life would have people acting all crazy because they think they know what I want to hear.  I love the honesty of the knot. . . . this has made me feel a lot better!  Thank you all.

LakeR2014

kaos16 said:

So DH and I have been working on baby making for just a few months now, as in I started taking prenatals last year and went off BC in January.  I'm not charting or tracking or anything.  Apparently MIL said something to DH the other day about it.  She commented that we should get tested because i'm not pregnant yet.  At first I thought she was crazy....but then I started getting a little bummed, worrying if something is wrong (which I know is super irrational).

and now I'm on the phone with my sister who just told me she's pregnant.  I'm soooooo excited for her, but now i'm even more bummed (which I know is selfish).

Rant over, I just needed to get that off my chest!

@kaos16  Favorite family quote to my mom from her doctor when she was trying to conceive and was freaking out that she hadn't after three months of trying.

'Honey, it's not like baking a cake, you don't put the ingredients together and then pop out a cake each time.  Be patient.'

Dreamergirl8812

sarahufl said:

KatWAG said:

larrygaga said:

I think I saw this on Downton Abbey but I think it holds true IRL.

If you stress about it you'll just make it harder to get preggo. Your little spermies and eggs don't like stress!!!

I hate when people say this. I find it condescending. TTC is stressful however, stress plays absolutely no part in whether a couple will get pregnant.

Agreed. Also, can we agree not to use the term "preggo"? It sounds ridiculous.

But yes, stop telling people not to stress out.

I have an irrational hatred of that word. Any time I see a response with that word or hubby in it, I skip it completely. So that happens a lot.

KatieinBkln

Dreamergirl8812 said:

sarahufl said:

KatWAG said:

larrygaga said:

I think I saw this on Downton Abbey but I think it holds true IRL.

If you stress about it you'll just make it harder to get preggo. Your little spermies and eggs don't like stress!!!

I hate when people say this. I find it condescending. TTC is stressful however, stress plays absolutely no part in whether a couple will get pregnant.

Agreed. Also, can we agree not to use the term "preggo"? It sounds ridiculous.

But yes, stop telling people not to stress out.

I have an irrational hatred of that word. Any time I see a response with that word or hubby in it, I skip it completely. So that happens a lot.

Preggo makes me think of

Which is delicious. But it doesn't make me like it any more.

"Hubby" is not a word that should ever have been coined. I think I hate it the most because it doesn't really make sense as a shortened "husband"--like, you can't just ignore the "s"! If anything, shouldn't it have been shortened to "Huzby" or something?

In any case, I reject it.

theartistformerlyknownas

KatieinBkln said:

Dreamergirl8812 said:

sarahufl said:

KatWAG said:

larrygaga said:

I think I saw this on Downton Abbey but I think it holds true IRL.

If you stress about it you'll just make it harder to get preggo. Your little spermies and eggs don't like stress!!!

I hate when people say this. I find it condescending. TTC is stressful however, stress plays absolutely no part in whether a couple will get pregnant.

Agreed. Also, can we agree not to use the term "preggo"? It sounds ridiculous.

But yes, stop telling people not to stress out.

I have an irrational hatred of that word. Any time I see a response with that word or hubby in it, I skip it completely. So that happens a lot.

Preggo makes me think of

Which is delicious. But it doesn't make me like it any more.

"Hubby" is not a word that should ever have been coined. I think I hate it the most because it doesn't really make sense as a shortened "husband"--like, you can't just ignore the "s"! If anything, shouldn't it have been shortened to "Huzby" or something?

In any case, I reject it.

Well I don't imagine most husbands would take too kindly to being called "hussy."

KatieinBkln

lolo883 said:

KatieinBkln said:

Dreamergirl8812 said:

sarahufl said:

KatWAG said:

larrygaga said:

I think I saw this on Downton Abbey but I think it holds true IRL.

If you stress about it you'll just make it harder to get preggo. Your little spermies and eggs don't like stress!!!

I hate when people say this. I find it condescending. TTC is stressful however, stress plays absolutely no part in whether a couple will get pregnant.

Agreed. Also, can we agree not to use the term "preggo"? It sounds ridiculous.

But yes, stop telling people not to stress out.

I have an irrational hatred of that word. Any time I see a response with that word or hubby in it, I skip it completely. So that happens a lot.

Preggo makes me think of

Which is delicious. But it doesn't make me like it any more.

"Hubby" is not a word that should ever have been coined. I think I hate it the most because it doesn't really make sense as a shortened "husband"--like, you can't just ignore the "s"! If anything, shouldn't it have been shortened to "Huzby" or something?

In any case, I reject it.

Well I don't imagine most husbands would take too kindly to being called "hussy."

I move we decide, as an English-speaking society, to go with "Spouse" from here on out. I never cared much for either "husband" or "wife" as words, purely on aesthetic value. They are weird words.

theartistformerlyknownas

KatieinBkln said:

lolo883 said:

KatieinBkln said:

Dreamergirl8812 said:

sarahufl said:

KatWAG said:

larrygaga said:

I think I saw this on Downton Abbey but I think it holds true IRL.

If you stress about it you'll just make it harder to get preggo. Your little spermies and eggs don't like stress!!!

I hate when people say this. I find it condescending. TTC is stressful however, stress plays absolutely no part in whether a couple will get pregnant.

Agreed. Also, can we agree not to use the term "preggo"? It sounds ridiculous.

But yes, stop telling people not to stress out.

I have an irrational hatred of that word. Any time I see a response with that word or hubby in it, I skip it completely. So that happens a lot.

Preggo makes me think of

Which is delicious. But it doesn't make me like it any more.

"Hubby" is not a word that should ever have been coined. I think I hate it the most because it doesn't really make sense as a shortened "husband"--like, you can't just ignore the "s"! If anything, shouldn't it have been shortened to "Huzby" or something?

In any case, I reject it.

Well I don't imagine most husbands would take too kindly to being called "hussy."

I move we decide, as an English-speaking society, to go with "Spouse" from here on out. I never cared much for either "husband" or "wife" as words, purely on aesthetic value. They are weird words.

Can't do it. I like slang too much and don't care how much of an asshole I sound like.

Sincerely, the chick who calls her H "hubbyman" and "hubs" on the reg. And also says things like "on the reg." See? Asshole. No shame.

KatieinBkln

lolo883 said:

KatieinBkln said:

lolo883 said:

KatieinBkln said:

Dreamergirl8812 said:

sarahufl said:

KatWAG said:

larrygaga said:

I think I saw this on Downton Abbey but I think it holds true IRL.

If you stress about it you'll just make it harder to get preggo. Your little spermies and eggs don't like stress!!!

I hate when people say this. I find it condescending. TTC is stressful however, stress plays absolutely no part in whether a couple will get pregnant.

Agreed. Also, can we agree not to use the term "preggo"? It sounds ridiculous.

But yes, stop telling people not to stress out.

I have an irrational hatred of that word. Any time I see a response with that word or hubby in it, I skip it completely. So that happens a lot.

Preggo makes me think of

Which is delicious. But it doesn't make me like it any more.

"Hubby" is not a word that should ever have been coined. I think I hate it the most because it doesn't really make sense as a shortened "husband"--like, you can't just ignore the "s"! If anything, shouldn't it have been shortened to "Huzby" or something?

In any case, I reject it.

Well I don't imagine most husbands would take too kindly to being called "hussy."

I move we decide, as an English-speaking society, to go with "Spouse" from here on out. I never cared much for either "husband" or "wife" as words, purely on aesthetic value. They are weird words.

Can't do it. I like slang too much and don't care how much of an asshole I sound like.

Sincerely, the chick who calls her H "hubbyman" and "hubs" on the reg. And also says things like "on the reg." See? Asshole. No shame.

I'm a weirdo, in that I love most dumb slang--will say "on the reg," will say "legit," will refer to things in semi-antiquated terms like "rad" and "baller." But if I get the sense (accurate or otherwise) that something is considered "cute," I'm OUT. I will never say "adorbs." I can't get on board with "hubs." I will occasionally use "totes" in an ironic way, but never in mixed company, lest someone assume I'm the kind of person who is okay with using the word "totes."

Basically, I think I'm a way bigger asshole because I clearly have a lot of judgmental rules about this shit.

WinstonsGirl

KatieinBkln said:

Dreamergirl8812 said:

sarahufl said:

KatWAG said:

larrygaga said:

Preggo makes me think of

Which is delicious. But it doesn't make me like it any more.

"Hubby" is not a word that should ever have been coined. I think I hate it the most because it doesn't really make sense as a shortened "husband"--like, you can't just ignore the "s"! If anything, shouldn't it have been shortened to "Huzby" or something?

In any case, I reject it.

Ha ha.  Prego - It's in there.  So true in both senses of the word

sophhabobopha

We're still at the stage where everybody's telling us not to get pregnant. My bc works, thanks, FMIL.

FiancB

It's totally normal to take several months. Moms are annoying. People just aren't that great at getting pregnant. 

Wouldn't hurt to start charting, though. Might as well. At least knowing my personality, I know it would help me feel like I have more control of the situation, plus I'm nerdy like that anyway. YMMV. 

KatWAG

YMMV??????

arrippa

YMMV=Your mileage may vary.

lilacck28

sarahufl said:

Yeah, my sister is pregnant again too. We are about to hit our 1st anniversary and are 1 loss into our TTC journey and can't try again for another 3 months.

I will hit the first bitch who asks me where my baby is.
@sarahufl

First, I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope this isn't out of line to say... but I'm going to share a personal story (well, not really my story). It is ENTIRELY possible it is not relevant to you, since obviously I don't know the particulars of your medical/ emotional situation. If that's the case, I'm sorry and ignore me!: 

 My mom had a hard time getting pregnant. It took her two years to conceive me, and I think something like 3 to 5 years for my younger brother. She miscarried before she had me. She then had a DNC, and the doctors told her that she and my dad needed to wait before trying to conceive. They did not wait. And then my mom got pregnant with me seemingly immediately. My mom miscarried again after I was born when she and my dad were working on having another baby. She had another DNC, and the doctors again recommended my parents wait before attempting to conceive. They didn't wait, and my mom pretty immediately then became pregnant with my brother. My parents have related this story to me often because we anticipate that I will have a hard time getting pregnant as well (because, duh, she's my mom and its definitely possible I'll be like her, and also... today it was confirmed that I have PCOS which does make conceiving quite difficult.)

I do NOT understand the science of this. I am not a doctor. My dad is a dentist and he does understand these things better than I do (though he is obviously not an OBGYN or a real authority) but he seemed to think it was more than a coincidence that they conceived twice, and quickly, after the DNCs. But, of course it could be a coincidence, and it could be that my parents took a real risk by not listening to the doctors. Anyway, just... a personal story. I'm obviously not exactly recommending you not listen to doctor's orders the way my parents didn't , especially as your situation could be different than (what I think?) were my mom's "standard" miscarriages... but.. yeah. 

Anyway, good luck. And if this was totally obnoxious, then I'm very sorry. 

theartistformerlyknownas

That's just about the worst advice I've ever seen here @lilacck28. Like, holy shit inappropriate. I'm not even quoting in hopes you DD it, it's that bad.

sarahufl

lilacck28 said:

sarahufl said:

Yeah, my sister is pregnant again too. We are about to hit our 1st anniversary and are 1 loss into our TTC journey and can't try again for another 3 months.

I will hit the first bitch who asks me where my baby is.

@sarahufl

First, I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope this isn't out of line to say... but I'm going to share a personal story (well, not really my story). It is ENTIRELY possible it is not relevant to you, since obviously I don't know the particulars of your medical/ emotional situation. If that's the case, I'm sorry and ignore me!: 

 My mom had a hard time getting pregnant. It took her two years to conceive me, and I think something like 3 to 5 years for my younger brother. She miscarried before she had me. She then had a DNC, and the doctors told her that she and my dad needed to wait before trying to conceive. They did not wait. And then my mom got pregnant with me seemingly immediately. My mom miscarried again after I was born when she and my dad were working on having another baby. She had another DNC, and the doctors again recommended my parents wait before attempting to conceive. They didn't wait, and my mom pretty immediately then became pregnant with my brother. My parents have related this story to me often because we anticipate that I will have a hard time getting pregnant as well (because, duh, she's my mom and its definitely possible I'll be like her, and also... today it was confirmed that I have PCOS which does make conceiving quite difficult.)

I do NOT understand the science of this. I am not a doctor. My dad is a dentist and he does understand these things better than I do (though he is obviously not an OBGYN or a real authority) but he seemed to think it was more than a coincidence that they conceived twice, and quickly, after the DNCs. But, of course it could be a coincidence, and it could be that my parents took a real risk by not listening to the doctors. Anyway, just... a personal story. I'm obviously not exactly recommending you not listen to doctor's orders the way my parents didn't , especially as your situation could be different than (what I think?) were my mom's "standard" miscarriages... but.. yeah. 

Anyway, good luck. And if this was totally obnoxious, then I'm very sorry. 

I won't call you out for being obnoxious, because I can see this came from the right (?) place. What I will say to you is that you aren't my doctor- hell, you aren't even A DOCTOR. And you (you and the general you) really shouldn't dispense medical advice to perfect strangers on the internet.

WHY would I follow your advice?

The ONLY (and I mean absolutely ONLY) appropriate response is "wow, I am sorry this happened to you. That sucks. I hope you have the outcome you are searching for".

Because you don't know me and you don't know if I will ever get pregnant again or if I will go on to have 100 children. And you have no way of  knowing that. Sometimes it is ok to just say- bummer. Shitty situation.

Because "trying" to make it better often just makes it worse.

sarahufl

lilacck28. I lied.

I will call  you out for being obnoxious. I was trying to be calm in my response and I figured out I couldn't.

What. In. The. World. Is wrong with you? And I mean that wholeheartedly because there is something CLEARLY wrong. This is one of the absolute dumbest things I have read on The Knot (and trust me, I have seen some dumb stuff on these boards). Not only is it insensitive, it is also completely ignorant.

What kind of dumb ass fool would I have to be to follow ANY of your advice? You should really be ashamed of yourself.

Jen4948

No advice, because I'm not a doctor or a therapist. But lots of hugs.

themuffinman16

Wow, I seriously can't even believe you would give someone that medical advice without being a doctor @lilakk28.  

  You don't even know why sarahufl had an ectopic pregnancy and you are willing to tell her to do something that could be dangerous to her health right now? Your parents went against medical advice, that shouldn't be something to prescribe to others.  The only thing that is needed in situations of a miscarriage are warm thoughts, hugs, and kind words. If you are a doctor, then it is okay to give  MEDICAL advice (if it is sought). Advice from someone in the field of medicine is more welcome, than someone who is telling someone else to engage in something that could hurt them. There is a reason why you shouldn't have sex after a D+C: lethal infections... the cervix is not completely closed. Your heart may be in the right place wanting to help, but what you said was not helpful, and even dangerous.

theartistformerlyknownas

Even a doctor cannot give medical advice to someone who is not their patient and whom they have not examined.

lilacck28

To all: 

I'm very sorry, it was a very stupid thing to say. It wasn't advice, I said it wasn't advice, it was a story that I also said very likely didn't apply. Again, I'm really sorry. All I can say is that this story was repeated to me today after having a bad day (i.e. ultrasound, PCOS, will I be able to have a baby, not sure). That is NOT an excuse. My head was in the wrong place, and I should not have said anything. I have told people on these boards NOT to give medical advice or talk about that which they don't fully understand, and I am ashamed that I pretty much did the opposite of that. @sarahufl , I'm so sorry. 

theartistformerlyknownas

@lilacck28 people shouldn't be giving you that advice either, even as a "helpful anecdote." It'll serve as a mindfuck at best and could kill you at worst. You are not your mother and you're not subject to her life experiences just because you share half of your DNA. My health is nothing like my mother's and I don't expect my pregnancy to be either. Tell these people to STFU.

lilacck28

@lolo883 you're probably definitely right. There was a lot of "well, all the other women in the family have been able to have kids" and other stories shared today (which were not actually helpful... and were probably just said because they didn't know what to say). I'm sincerely, incredibly sorry I typed anything today. Advice I think  I will be okay sharing after another 2 hours: 

Do not knot when your head is all screwy. Especially when it is about the topic for which you're feeling very screwy. 

sarahufl

lilacck28 said:

To all: 

I'm very sorry, it was a very stupid thing to say. It wasn't advice, I said it wasn't advice, it was a story that I also said very likely didn't apply. Again, I'm really sorry. All I can say is that this story was repeated to me today after having a bad day (i.e. ultrasound, PCOS, will I be able to have a baby, not sure). That is NOT an excuse. My head was in the wrong place, and I should not have said anything. I have told people on these boards NOT to give medical advice or talk about that which they don't fully understand, and I am ashamed that I pretty much did the opposite of that. @sarahufl , I'm so sorry. 

I am sorry you are also having problems. But come on. You OF ALL PEOPLE should know better than to toss out ignorant swill on the internet.

redwoodoriginal

lolo883 said:

@lilacck28 people shouldn't be giving you that advice either, even as a "helpful anecdote." It'll serve as a mindfuck at best and could kill you at worst. You are not your mother and you're not subject to her life experiences just because you share half of your DNA. My health is nothing like my mother's and I don't expect my pregnancy to be either. Tell these people to STFU.

QFT x a million.

I have a sister that has PCOS, a mom who got pregnant on BC, a sister who had to use IVF to get pregnant, and another sister that got pregnant by her husband just LOOKING at her and was a surrogate at the age of 42. All of us are genetically related and none of us have had similar fertility issues. 

lilacck28

sarahufl said:

lilacck28 said:

I am sorry you are also having problems. But come on. You OF ALL PEOPLE should know better than to toss out ignorant swill on the internet.

sarahufl said:

sarahufl said:

SITB

sarahufl said:

Truth. It was very stupid. A very very stupid thing to do/ say/ very bad lapse of crazy. I'm sorry. 

sarahufl said:

ETA: boxes are doing weird things

bride2b71614

People have no business putting their nose in your bedroom where they don't belong.

TTC is exciting, but it can also be quite stressful. Fertility issues are a sensitive topic, and sometimes saying well a friend of a friend of a friend got pregnant after doing xyz, isn't helpful. Sometimes the best thing is to keep your mouth shut and be a sounding board.