family/baby rant

kaos16

So DH and I have been working on baby making for just a few months now, as in I started taking prenatals last year and went off BC in January.  I'm not charting or tracking or anything.  Apparently MIL said something to DH the other day about it.  She commented that we should get tested because i'm not pregnant yet.  At first I thought she was crazy....but then I started getting a little bummed, worrying if something is wrong (which I know is super irrational).

and now I'm on the phone with my sister who just told me she's pregnant.  I'm soooooo excited for her, but now i'm even more bummed (which I know is selfish).

Rant over, I just needed to get that off my chest!

KatWAG

kaos16 said:

So DH and I have been working on baby making for just a few months now, as in I started taking prenatals last year and went off BC in January.  I'm not charting or tracking or anything.  Apparently MIL said something to DH the other day about it.  She commented that we should get tested because i'm not pregnant yet.  At first I thought she was crazy....but then I started getting a little bummed, worrying if something is wrong (which I know is super irrational).

and now I'm on the phone with my sister who just told me she's pregnant.  I'm soooooo excited for her, but now i'm even more bummed (which I know is selfish).

Rant over, I just needed to get that off my chest!

I wouldn't worry yet. It can take a completely healthy couple up to a year to conceive.

When in doubt, hump it out.

banana468

Hugs.   It's frustrating when you think something is off but remember that it DOES take time and if you put pressure on yourself, it can make things worse.

If you're not charting/tracking and observing signs, then just enjoy that you're cool with whatever happens.   It's actually a lot harder to get pregnant than your HS sex ed teacher would have you believe.   And even with all the temping/charting/acting like bunnies that DH and I did, it took us over 8 mos to conceive Chiquito.

I will say that if you ARE serious about TTC, starting to observe your fertility can be a quality thing to do if you can do it without putting more pressure on yourself.   Then you're armed with information on your body and the things that it does in case you ever do want to talk to a Dr.   Plus, when it's time to see a Dr. because you're pregnant, you can be armed with information so they don't try to push you into a due date that you may not agree with.

kaos16

@KatWAG, best advice of the day!  I know I have nothing to worry about, it's just me letting people get into my head!

Maggie0829

I had a friend who started freaking out because after only ONE month she and her H hadn't gotten pregnant.

Like KatWAG said, it can take a perfectly normal couple a year to get pregnant.  And really it is kind of like waiting for water to boil.  The more you stare and stress and worry at the water the "longer" it will seem to take.

And I would probably not discuss your reproductive plans with your MIL anymore.  Her comment was really unnecessary and completely none of her business.

KatWAG

kaos16 said:

@KatWAG, best advice of the day!  I know I have nothing to worry about, it's just me letting people get into my head!

So this is a little tidbit that made me feel better while I was TTC. Just because someone else gets pregnant (like your sister) doesn't mean that you wont. There isn't a quota on babies.

It seems obvious but it helped me deal with some of my jealousy.

southernbelle0915

Don't worry about it. If you're not charting, do you have any idea when you're fertile? You might just not be having sex on the right days.

Your MIL needs to butt out. And your H needs to tell her that. Trying to get all up in baby making/medical business is no different at you lecturing her on getting regular mamograms, pap smears, and colonoscopies. It's inappropriate.

larrygaga

I think I saw this on Downton Abbey but I think it holds true IRL.

If you stress about it you'll just make it harder to get preggo. Your little spermies and eggs don't like stress!!!

emmaaa

PP's are 100% right. Try  not to stress too much over it. It can take up to a year for perfectly healthy couple to conceive. Your MIL needs to butt out, it is none of her business.

It's okay to be happy about someone else's news but still feel jealously or upset for yourself. After that initial twinge of jealousy, brush it off and move on. 

sarahufl

Your MIL is rude. That's all there is to it.

Best wishes that things work out. We kept our plans secret from our family, so when I ended up with an emergency surgery for an ectopic pregnancy, my parents were told and H's weren't. H's sister rudely asked me the other day if I had news to share and I told her to mind her own business. His family still has no idea and I am sure they are (impatiently) sitting around waiting for me to start showing.

TTC is hard and emotional and isn't anyone else's business. If my MIL tried to assert herself in the process I would kindly tell her to back the fuck away.

But I am feeling rude and punchy these days.

WinstonsGirl

I agree with everything said above, and I know the feeling you're having.  I was having the same feelings when my friends were all getting amazing teaching jobs and I wasn't.  You want to be happy for them but you're still pissed about your situation.  

Anyway, I agree to start charting and all of that.  Most Dr's. won't talk to you about fertility until you've tried for at least a year.  If you do decide to go in after a year and you also have the extra info from charting and stuff, they can set you up on a better path for you faster.  

kaos16

Oh, and MIL isn't saying any of this to me, we don't really chat very much.  She is telling DH.  He tells me after the fact.  The only thing she has ever said to me is to hurry up because she isn't getting any younger, and that was a few months ago right after our 2 year wedding anniversary.  I laughed and walked away.  That was the end of it. 

KatieinBkln

kaos16 said:

Oh, and MIL isn't saying any of this to me, we don't really chat very much.  She is telling DH.  He tells me after the fact.  The only thing she has ever said to me is to hurry up because she isn't getting any younger, and that was a few months ago right after our 2 year wedding anniversary.  I laughed and walked away.  That was the end of it. 

Oof. I might ask DH not to pass along every dumbass thing his mom tells him.

banana468

kaos16 said:

Oh, and MIL isn't saying any of this to me, we don't really chat very much.  She is telling DH.  He tells me after the fact.  The only thing she has ever said to me is to hurry up because she isn't getting any younger, and that was a few months ago right after our 2 year wedding anniversary.  I laughed and walked away.  That was the end of it. 

DH needs to keep what happens in your bedroom in your bedroom.   I'd have some long talks about what is and isn't OK to share with the family.

katiekessler123

That's such a personal topic.  I have no idea why anyone would think it's ok to comment  unless you bring it up.  I've noticed that when you hit a certain point in your life/certain age, suddenly your ovaries become a topic of public discussion.  As an early thirties aged woman who is happily married, I've noticed that so many people ask when we're going to have kids or have we started TTC.  Guess what..it's none of their business.  It really irks me when people bring that up.

katiekessler123

As a side note, my sister is pregnant, and I could not be happier for her and her husband, but that has really increased the comments directed toward me and my husband.  WTF...my sister and I are seperate people in different marriages and places of our lives.

sarahufl

katiekessler123 said:

As a side note, my sister is pregnant, and I could not be happier for her and her husband, but that has really increased the comments directed toward me and my husband.  WTF...my sister and I are seperate people in different marriages and places of our lives.

Yeah, my sister is pregnant again too. We are about to hit our 1st anniversary and are 1 loss into our TTC journey and can't try again for another 3 months.

I will hit the first bitch who asks me where my baby is.

KatWAG

larrygaga said:

I think I saw this on Downton Abbey but I think it holds true IRL.

If you stress about it you'll just make it harder to get preggo. Your little spermies and eggs don't like stress!!!

I hate when people say this. I find it condescending. TTC is stressful however, stress plays absolutely no part in whether a couple will get pregnant.

sarahufl

KatWAG said:

larrygaga said:

I think I saw this on Downton Abbey but I think it holds true IRL.

If you stress about it you'll just make it harder to get preggo. Your little spermies and eggs don't like stress!!!

I hate when people say this. I find it condescending. TTC is stressful however, stress plays absolutely no part in whether a couple will get pregnant.

Agreed. Also, can we agree not to use the term "preggo"? It sounds ridiculous.

But yes, stop telling people not to stress out.

theartistformerlyknownas

What an awful thing to say. I agree your H needs to zip it, both in talking to his mom and in relaying her shitty comments back to you.

banana468

KatWAG said:

larrygaga said:

I think I saw this on Downton Abbey but I think it holds true IRL.

If you stress about it you'll just make it harder to get preggo. Your little spermies and eggs don't like stress!!!

I hate when people say this. I find it condescending. TTC is stressful however, stress plays absolutely no part in whether a couple will get pregnant.

That's not exactly true.

KatWAG

banana468 said:

KatWAG said:

larrygaga said:

I think I saw this on Downton Abbey but I think it holds true IRL.

If you stress about it you'll just make it harder to get preggo. Your little spermies and eggs don't like stress!!!

I hate when people say this. I find it condescending. TTC is stressful however, stress plays absolutely no part in whether a couple will get pregnant.

That's not exactly true.

Well, if stress causes you to have sex less then I a guess stress would play a roll. But stress is not a factor in whether or not a sperm finds the egg.

sarahufl

banana468 said:

KatWAG said:

larrygaga said:

I think I saw this on Downton Abbey but I think it holds true IRL.

If you stress about it you'll just make it harder to get preggo. Your little spermies and eggs don't like stress!!!

I hate when people say this. I find it condescending. TTC is stressful however, stress plays absolutely no part in whether a couple will get pregnant.

That's not exactly true.

Yes, but anyone who tells me not to "stress out" about TTC can shove it.

You would stress out if your first pregnancy resulted in a trip to the ER and a middle of the night surgery, too.

theartistformerlyknownas

KatWAG said:

banana468 said:

KatWAG said:

larrygaga said:

I think I saw this on Downton Abbey but I think it holds true IRL.

If you stress about it you'll just make it harder to get preggo. Your little spermies and eggs don't like stress!!!

I hate when people say this. I find it condescending. TTC is stressful however, stress plays absolutely no part in whether a couple will get pregnant.

That's not exactly true.

Well, if stress causes you to have sex less then I a guess stress would play a roll. But stress is not a factor in whether or not a sperm finds the egg.

Stress hormones can affect when you ovulate, so yeah it absolutely is a factor. If you're not having sex on the right days the sperm will most definitely not find the egg.

sarawifenow

Ugh I hate when people feel the need to comment on a couple's reproductive plans. It is really annoying!

 

H and I are having trouble with trying to have our first. I was able to get pregnant twice, but lost both very early. We are trying again, but it is so stressful!

 

Try not to let other people get to you. I think people don't think about what they are saying half the time and how it can hurt other people.

banana468

sarahufl said:

banana468 said:

KatWAG said:

larrygaga said:

I think I saw this on Downton Abbey but I think it holds true IRL.

If you stress about it you'll just make it harder to get preggo. Your little spermies and eggs don't like stress!!!

I hate when people say this. I find it condescending. TTC is stressful however, stress plays absolutely no part in whether a couple will get pregnant.

That's not exactly true.

Yes, but anyone who tells me not to "stress out" about TTC can shove it.

You would stress out if your first pregnancy resulted in a trip to the ER and a middle of the night surgery, too.

Absolutely!   And I completely understand that there's hardly a way NOT to stress.

My point is that for the "average" situation stress can still affect your ability to get pregnant.   And if you're not charting, you may have no way to know whether or not you even ovulated since you could have break through bleeding that isn't a period.    So it's not truthful to say "Stress plays not part in whether or not a couple will get pregnant."  

KatieinBkln

lolo883 said:

KatWAG said:

banana468 said:

KatWAG said:

larrygaga said:

I think I saw this on Downton Abbey but I think it holds true IRL.

If you stress about it you'll just make it harder to get preggo. Your little spermies and eggs don't like stress!!!

I hate when people say this. I find it condescending. TTC is stressful however, stress plays absolutely no part in whether a couple will get pregnant.

That's not exactly true.

Well, if stress causes you to have sex less then I a guess stress would play a roll. But stress is not a factor in whether or not a sperm finds the egg.

Stress hormones can affect when you ovulate, so yeah it absolutely is a factor. If you're not having sex on the right days the sperm will most definitely not find the egg.

I always understood that stress can cause you not to ovulate at all, as well. I never understood it to mean that stressing out would like, cause your fallopian tubes to clamp down and put up road blocks for the sperm...

Regardless, there's probably nothing less calming than being told to stop stressing. Even if it's good advice, there's really no great way to say it without coming across a bit smug. Plus it puts people into a stress-loop where they are stressed out that they can't stop stressing out.

KatWAG

banana468 said:

sarahufl said:

banana468 said:

KatWAG said:

larrygaga said:

I think I saw this on Downton Abbey but I think it holds true IRL.

If you stress about it you'll just make it harder to get preggo. Your little spermies and eggs don't like stress!!!

I hate when people say this. I find it condescending. TTC is stressful however, stress plays absolutely no part in whether a couple will get pregnant.

That's not exactly true.

Yes, but anyone who tells me not to "stress out" about TTC can shove it.

You would stress out if your first pregnancy resulted in a trip to the ER and a middle of the night surgery, too.

Absolutely!   And I completely understand that there's hardly a way NOT to stress.

My point is that for the "average" situation stress can still affect your ability to get pregnant.   And if you're not charting, you may have no way to know whether or not you even ovulated since you could have break through bleeding that isn't a period.    So it's not truthful to say "Stress plays not part in whether or not a couple will get pregnant."  

Fair point.

But it is not helpful to randomly tell someone not to stress. I think its rude and insensitive.

southernbelle0915

Oh also, @kaos16 - When DH and I decided to start TTC, I just googled "when am I most fertile" or something. 

There are sites where you just plug in your LMP and your cycle length and it spits out when to have sex. It's different for everyone, but we just had sex on all 4 of those days.

banana468

KatWAG said:

banana468 said:

sarahufl said:

banana468 said:

KatWAG said:

larrygaga said:

I think I saw this on Downton Abbey but I think it holds true IRL.

If you stress about it you'll just make it harder to get preggo. Your little spermies and eggs don't like stress!!!

I hate when people say this. I find it condescending. TTC is stressful however, stress plays absolutely no part in whether a couple will get pregnant.

That's not exactly true.

Yes, but anyone who tells me not to "stress out" about TTC can shove it.

You would stress out if your first pregnancy resulted in a trip to the ER and a middle of the night surgery, too.

Absolutely!   And I completely understand that there's hardly a way NOT to stress.

My point is that for the "average" situation stress can still affect your ability to get pregnant.   And if you're not charting, you may have no way to know whether or not you even ovulated since you could have break through bleeding that isn't a period.    So it's not truthful to say "Stress plays not part in whether or not a couple will get pregnant."  

Fair point.

But it is not helpful to randomly tell someone not to stress. I think its rude and insensitive.

You're right there.   It's up there with telling someone upset to calm down.

sarahufl

KatWAG said:

banana468 said:

sarahufl said:

banana468 said:

KatWAG said:

larrygaga said:

I think I saw this on Downton Abbey but I think it holds true IRL.

If you stress about it you'll just make it harder to get preggo. Your little spermies and eggs don't like stress!!!

I hate when people say this. I find it condescending. TTC is stressful however, stress plays absolutely no part in whether a couple will get pregnant.

That's not exactly true.

Yes, but anyone who tells me not to "stress out" about TTC can shove it.

You would stress out if your first pregnancy resulted in a trip to the ER and a middle of the night surgery, too.

Absolutely!   And I completely understand that there's hardly a way NOT to stress.

My point is that for the "average" situation stress can still affect your ability to get pregnant.   And if you're not charting, you may have no way to know whether or not you even ovulated since you could have break through bleeding that isn't a period.    So it's not truthful to say "Stress plays not part in whether or not a couple will get pregnant."  

Fair point.

But it is not helpful to randomly tell someone not to stress. I think its rude and insensitive.

Medical advice needs to come from a certified medical professional. Not my mother in law.