What etiquette approved thing can I say?

athomerose

My husband’s brother and his fiancé have been engaged for about 6 months, when I heard from my FSIL last week they had no wedding plans. Today I got an email from my FSIL announcing they picked a wedding date. It is about 6 weeks away and also when I am due with my first baby. Given the distance, a few hours plane flight and the timing, I could have a day old baby, be in labor or waiting to go into labor, neither my husband nor I can even consider going.

I know what they did is not against etiquette. They can pick any wedding date they want, they don't have to take family schedules into consideration but I am having trouble responding positively to the email. I am hoping my Husband’s brother will call or email him so it will fall on my husband to respond to the date announcement first, but I will eventually have to email my FSIL. Since we are both going to be married into the same family we have been taking tentative steps to get to know each other, emailing each other every few weeks with newsy family stuff, all very positive and friendly.    

I want to be happy for them and positive but all I can feel right now is, well they don't care about us enough to even try to have us at their wedding. I also wonder do they really understand that this means my husband can’t be at his brother’s wedding. It is obvious I wont be able to go but do they understand my husband is not leaving me on my due date to fly across the country.

So they did not break etiquette, I don’t want to violate etiquette: What can I say? Do I respond to the email? Do we need to tell them bluntly this means we won’t be there? How do we respond to my MIL&FIL when they express disappointment we won’t be there? 

lovegood90

athomerose said:

My husband’s brother and his fiancé have been engaged for about 6 months, when I heard from my FSIL last week they had no wedding plans. Today I got an email from my FSIL announcing they picked a wedding date. It is about 6 weeks away and also when I am due with my first baby. Given the distance, a few hours plane flight and the timing, I could have a day old baby, be in labor or waiting to go into labor, neither my husband nor I can even consider going.

I know what they did is not against etiquette. They can pick any wedding date they want, they don't have to take family schedules into consideration but I am having trouble responding positively to the email. I am hoping my Husband’s brother will call or email him so it will fall on my husband to respond to the date announcement first, but I will eventually have to email my FSIL. Since we are both going to be married into the same family we have been taking tentative steps to get to know each other, emailing each other every few weeks with newsy family stuff, all very positive and friendly.    

I want to be happy for them and positive but all I can feel right now is, well they don't care about us enough to even try to have us at their wedding. I also wonder do they really understand that this means my husband can’t be at his brother’s wedding. It is obvious I wont be able to go but do they understand my husband is not leaving me on my due date to fly across the country.

So they did not break etiquette, I don’t want to violate etiquette: What can I say? Do I respond to the email? Do we need to tell them bluntly this means we won’t be there? How do we respond to my MIL&FIL when they express disappointment we won’t be there? 

Leave this up to your husband to respond to his brother. Just stay out of it for now and have your husband explain to your brother that the two of you won't be able to go.

If anyone expresses disappointment, I think it's fine to respond something like "we'd love to be there too, but unfortunately it conflicts with my due date." It's pretty hard to argue against that excuse!

Liatris2010

Your husband should call his brother and explain that you two will not be able to ake the wedding because it overlaps with your delivery date.

novella1186

Don't reply to the email right now. I agree with PP; your husband needs to sort this out with his brother. He doesn't need to approach in such a way that he's demanding they change their date (cuz that would be rude) but he could just inform his brother that it's your due date and there's no plausible way for the two of you to attend. 

If they're still in the very early stages of planning and haven't actually booked anything yet, they may be able to change their date-- if that's something they want to do. Maybe they aren't aware of your due date? Or maybe they didn't think of it when they chose their wedding date. It could just be a matter of miscommunication. Don't worry about it too much. (Easier said than done, I know, but this is a thing that should be between brothers.) 

[Deleted User]

"Wow, how exciting!  Maybe our baby's birthday will be the same day as your anniversary! Take lots of pictures.  I'll want to see them when we're home from the hospital!"

lovegood90

Also wanted to add agreement to Novella's point- there's probably a huge possibility that they don't even realize it's near your due date, so I wouldn't get all "they don't care if we're there!" and defensive just yet.

You know how we always say "no one cares more about your wedding than you do?" The same can be said for any life event, I think- they obviously know you're pregnant, but don't assume they know much more than that

blabla89

Let your H handle it. Like scribe said, keep it simple with something like "We're so happy for you! Unfortunately we won't be able to travel to the wedding due to the baby's arrival."

I do think your H should let his brother know soon, in case they might want to plan it for a date when he could be there.

aliwis000

lovegood90 said:

athomerose said:

My husband’s brother and his fiancé have been engaged for about 6 months, when I heard from my FSIL last week they had no wedding plans. Today I got an email from my FSIL announcing they picked a wedding date. It is about 6 weeks away and also when I am due with my first baby. Given the distance, a few hours plane flight and the timing, I could have a day old baby, be in labor or waiting to go into labor, neither my husband nor I can even consider going.

I know what they did is not against etiquette. They can pick any wedding date they want, they don't have to take family schedules into consideration but I am having trouble responding positively to the email. I am hoping my Husband’s brother will call or email him so it will fall on my husband to respond to the date announcement first, but I will eventually have to email my FSIL. Since we are both going to be married into the same family we have been taking tentative steps to get to know each other, emailing each other every few weeks with newsy family stuff, all very positive and friendly.    

I want to be happy for them and positive but all I can feel right now is, well they don't care about us enough to even try to have us at their wedding. I also wonder do they really understand that this means my husband can’t be at his brother’s wedding. It is obvious I wont be able to go but do they understand my husband is not leaving me on my due date to fly across the country.

So they did not break etiquette, I don’t want to violate etiquette: What can I say? Do I respond to the email? Do we need to tell them bluntly this means we won’t be there? How do we respond to my MIL&FIL when they express disappointment we won’t be there? 

Leave this up to your husband to respond to his brother. Just stay out of it for now and have your husband explain to your brother that the two of you won't be able to go.

If anyone expresses disappointment, I think it's fine to respond something like "we'd love to be there too, but unfortunately it conflicts with my due date." It's pretty hard to argue against that excuse!

This.

I would also add that, as you stated, it is their right to pick a date. I know that it is terrible for your husband to miss his borther's wedding and I am not trying to discount that. However, what would have been a better date? Six weeks is not too far away, if they had picked earlier I would think there is still a chance you would not be able to go. You could deliver a few weeks early or your doctor might not advise travel.

On the other hand if they picked after the due date that creates other problems. Will you be 2 weeks late? Even if you are on schedule are you going to travel with a 2 week old? Will you be up for it? Now I am sure lots of families do this and it could work, but I think that those first few weeks or even first few months will not be ones which you want to travel long distance.

So at the end of the day it is a terrible situation.......well not really...you are going to have a baby and your husbands brother is getting married! The family is going to be expanding by 2 new additions and at the end of the day that is wonderful.

I wish you the best on your delivery of a happy healthy new born!

JaxInBlue

Totally agree with PPs.  Let your husband have the conversation.  Try to focus the conversation on the facts: you're both happy for them, your due date with prevent you both from traveling for the wedding.  If you want to/can, make arrangements with them to catch up at a particular time - "can't wait to see the pictures at the Fourth of July picnic!" or "let's have a celebratory dinner when we're all together for Thanksgiving."

It's a weird conversation to have, but it shouldn't be terrible.  DH had the conversation with his sister when we found our our due date and her wedding date are exactly the same.  When we were ready to tell our extended family, he told her both the good news and about the conflict, without any expectation that she change her date.  We're bummed to miss her wedding but everyone in DH's family has been incredibly understanding about why we can't travel, including my SIL and her FI.  I would hope your ILs will be just as understanding now, especially given the short time period.

RebeccaFlower

Babies always trump weddings, hopefully they understand that. You're right it's not against etiquette, but it's not really cool. Like was H's mom planning on being around for the birth? Good for you for not being upset, you're a better person than I am. 

southernbelle0915

"Congratulations! We're very excited for you both! As you know, our baby is due on (date). Unfortunately, we won't be able to attend for that reason. We wish you both all the best!"

I can understand being disappointed that you'll miss their wedding. I'm sure your husband wants to see his brother get married and is disappointed as well. 

Think of it this way, if you do deliver while everyone's away at the wedding, you'll get some time with just you, your H, and the new baby before the inevitable flood of visitors. 

athomerose

Oh I am upset, we both are. I just know we are upset about a relationship issue not an etiquette issue. I just want to make sure we stay within etiquette as we respond. You are all right that I should let my husband take the lead on this. I just felt I was developing a nice back and forth with this new FSIL and I don't have a nice reply ready. Maybe if I give it a few days I will feel more positive to say something nice.

They do “know” my due date it has been communicated several time, email, conversation and such, but they may not have thought about it as they picked this date. Two separate things in their minds maybe? I guess that is the most positive spin I can put on it.

I think JaxinBlue's situation is very different, if they had picked a wedding date and then we found out/ announced our pregnancy I would feel sad/disappointed/unlucky to miss their wedding, but not like they did not care if we were there. To answer the other question, if a few weeks later would make a difference, YES it would. The baby and I would not travel but at least my H could plan to go. Yes babies are unpredictable but Dr.’s only let you carry a baby so long before induction/C-section are needed for everyone’s health. If they had asked we could have given them an after X date H will plan to be there, after Y date we will all try to make it.

This is where etiquette does not help, I know they don't HAVE to check with VIP’s before picking a date but to not do so make it feel like they don't care that we are there. And I guess there I go assuming a brother you have a good relationship with is a VIP, maybe he/we are not. Oh well.

redwoodoriginal

the PPs have covered it all in what to say, but I do want to say, I completely understand feeling bummed about how your FBIL/SIL's decision factors into the larger "well clearly we aren't very important to them / considered VIPs in their eyes". It's not like you're demanding to be a VIP, but its like, ouch. my siblings are VIPs in my eyes, yet my BIL/SIL have shown my DH and I repeatedly that we are so far down on their "important ppl" list that it just hurts to realize others - family members - feel so differently.

I say give it a few days before you respond to your FSIL. have your DH call his brother and say, "hey, athomerose & I got FSIL's email - congrats, but we can't go. her due date, etc." Then follow-up with a short but sweet email to FSIL saying what PPs have said earlier. 

it's ok to feel bummed that youre not a VIP to them, when you realize ppl don't value relationships the same way, it stinks.

Or, they had a total brain fart and when your DH calls them, they could surprise you and be like OMG! we will change the date to a month later so all 3 of you can come!. you never know!

JellyBean52513

athomerose said:

Oh I am upset, we both are. I just know we are upset about a relationship issue not an etiquette issue. I just want to make sure we stay within etiquette as we respond. You are all right that I should let my husband take the lead on this. I just felt I was developing a nice back and forth with this new FSIL and I don't have a nice reply ready. Maybe if I give it a few days I will feel more positive to say something nice.

They do “know” my due date it has been communicated several time, email, conversation and such, but they may not have thought about it as they picked this date. Two separate things in their minds maybe? I guess that is the most positive spin I can put on it.

I think JaxinBlue's situation is very different, if they had picked a wedding date and then we found out/ announced our pregnancy I would feel sad/disappointed/unlucky to miss their wedding, but not like they did not care if we were there. To answer the other question, if a few weeks later would make a difference, YES it would. The baby and I would not travel but at least my H could plan to go. Yes babies are unpredictable but Dr.’s only let you carry a baby so long before induction/C-section are needed for everyone’s health. If they had asked we could have given them an after X date H will plan to be there, after Y date we will all try to make it.

This is where etiquette does not help, I know they don't HAVE to check with VIP’s before picking a date but to not do so make it feel like they don't care that we are there. And I guess there I go assuming a brother you have a good relationship with is a VIP, maybe he/we are not. Oh well.

To the bolded: I totally get this. Depending on the subject matter, if my SO's mom communicated directly with me about something and I never responded but yet sent her son to her to respond, it would most likely hurt her feelings in a "Why wouldn't she just tell me herself?" way. Same with any of his sisters. Developing relationships with your in-laws is really important. Maybe I'm in the minority here, but I think ignoring her email and having your husband call his brother to respond makes it seem like a bigger deal than it needs to be.... it almost comes across as "WHOA, don't even get involved, don't say anything at all, I will settle this!" as if it's some big catastrophic family drama to settle. Yeah, it's a very big deal to miss your immediate family's wedding, but the handling of this situation doesn't need to be that serious.

There is absolutely, 100%, definitely nothing wrong with replying yourself and saying something to the effect of "I'm so happy for your guys that you now have a wedding date! The very sad news is that it's practically at the same time as my due date, which means we won't be able to make it I want to see a million pictures afterwards!!" Or, you know, whatever conversation style best fits you.

saric83

athomerose said:

They do “know” my due date it has been communicated several time, email, conversation and such, but they may not have thought about it as they picked this date. Two separate things in their minds maybe? I guess that is the most positive spin I can put on it.

I just wanted to put out there that I'm due in seven weeks, and I can't even tell you how many times one of our parents, DH's brothers, my closest friends, and my boss have asked, "Oh, when are you due again?" over the past few weeks.  

We just realized that two sets of our parents will be on vacation over the due date (totally fine by us since we weren't planning to have anyone at the hospital anyway ).  But they were both really upset when they realized and wanted to reschedule, so clearly, it completely slipped even our parents' minds.  I'm not saying they have no clue whatsoever, but I would given them the benefit of the doubt until you know otherwise.  

jacques27

Did it occur to you that it might not be about you?  Like maybe they chose a date that was convenient for them?  Or maybe she has something going on in the lives of one of her family members that is making them rush wedding planning so that person can attend?  No one has any obligation to put their life on hold for other people's life events, but it seems really unlikely that they chose this date out of spite.  Just be happy for them.  Send your congratulations and regrets that you won't be able to make it to due to impending baby.  Tell her you'll swap wedding pictures for baby pictures and let it go.

jacques27

double post

levioosa

athomerose said:

Oh I am upset, we both are. I just know we are upset about a relationship issue not an etiquette issue. I just want to make sure we stay within etiquette as we respond. You are all right that I should let my husband take the lead on this. I just felt I was developing a nice back and forth with this new FSIL and I don't have a nice reply ready. Maybe if I give it a few days I will feel more positive to say something nice.

They do “know” my due date it has been communicated several time, email, conversation and such, but they may not have thought about it as they picked this date. Two separate things in their minds maybe? I guess that is the most positive spin I can put on it.

I think JaxinBlue's situation is very different, if they had picked a wedding date and then we found out/ announced our pregnancy I would feel sad/disappointed/unlucky to miss their wedding, but not like they did not care if we were there. To answer the other question, if a few weeks later would make a difference, YES it would. The baby and I would not travel but at least my H could plan to go. Yes babies are unpredictable but Dr.’s only let you carry a baby so long before induction/C-section are needed for everyone’s health. If they had asked we could have given them an after X date H will plan to be there, after Y date we will all try to make it.

This is where etiquette does not help, I know they don't HAVE to check with VIP’s before picking a date but to not do so make it feel like they don't care that we are there. And I guess there I go assuming a brother you have a good relationship with is a VIP, maybe he/we are not. Oh well.

PPs have said pretty much everything.  I get that you are upset, but you have to let it go.  Perhaps this date was the only one that worked for the majority of their VIPs, perhaps there is an illness you don't know about, or maybe that's just the date that worked best for them.  I highly doubt that it was meant in a slight to you.  Were they supposed to block out a three month time span because you might have a baby/be unable to travel?  That's unrealistic of you to expect.   If you get upset about it and react accordingly, it's definitely going to affect your future relationship with them.  It isn't worth it.  

Let it go.  Do babies trump weddings?  Yes, but like a wedding, the person most excited about the event is you.  Reply, "I'm so excited!  Unfortunately we won't be able to make it since I will be due and unable to travel, but I can't wait to see all of the pictures!"  

huskypuppy14

Honestly, sometimes siblings have to miss their brother or sister's wedding. My cousin's brother couldn't go to her wedding because he was in Iraq. Should she have postponed her wedding for a year? 

I understand your upset, but it is what it is, and they have the right to make their own life decisions at the time that works best for them.

novella1186

athomerose said:

Oh I am upset, we both are. I just know we are upset about a relationship issue not an etiquette issue. I just want to make sure we stay within etiquette as we respond. You are all right that I should let my husband take the lead on this. I just felt I was developing a nice back and forth with this new FSIL and I don't have a nice reply ready. Maybe if I give it a few days I will feel more positive to say something nice.

They do “know” my due date it has been communicated several time, email, conversation and such, but they may not have thought about it as they picked this date. Two separate things in their minds maybe? I guess that is the most positive spin I can put on it.

I think JaxinBlue's situation is very different, if they had picked a wedding date and then we found out/ announced our pregnancy I would feel sad/disappointed/unlucky to miss their wedding, but not like they did not care if we were there. To answer the other question, if a few weeks later would make a difference, YES it would. The baby and I would not travel but at least my H could plan to go. Yes babies are unpredictable but Dr.’s only let you carry a baby so long before induction/C-section are needed for everyone’s health. If they had asked we could have given them an after X date H will plan to be there, after Y date we will all try to make it.

This is where etiquette does not help, I know they don't HAVE to check with VIP’s before picking a date but to not do so make it feel like they don't care that we are there. And I guess there I go assuming a brother you have a good relationship with is a VIP, maybe he/we are not. Oh well.

To the bolded: I would still give them the benefit of the doubt here. 

I have a friend of 22 years who had a baby last summer, and I was SO excited for her. We talked about it a bunch, and she kept me posted on what was going on and told me her due date. But I didn't write it down, and I forgot it. I live in a different city than her, and I was working full time, finishing grad school, and planning my wedding. I had my own life going on and a lot on my mind. 

And it's not like there was anything I needed to DO for her due date; my job was just to wait around for news that the baby had arrived, get even more excited, congratulate her, anxiously wait for a photo, and then plan to visit ASAP. So it's not like her due date was constantly in the forefront of my mind to the point that I was making my plans around it. 

I'm sure your BIL and FSIL are super excited and happy for you, and I'm sure they're excited to meet the new addition. But they have their own lives going on and I can almost guarantee that their upcoming wedding is in the forefront of their mind far more than your due date. Not because they don't care about you. Just because their only concern surrounding your due date is like I said above-- wait for the news and be excited.  

banana468

They may honestly not know your due date or understand what it entails.   Heck, I didn't know what I was in for when DH and I decided to TTC and then what would happen when we had DD.   So if you're not really in the thick of it, you just don't understand.    I wouldn't create conflict where it doesn't exist.   Just be matter of fact, "We are so excited for you!  Please take lots of pictures so we can see them after the baby comes."

If it starts a conversation you can be matter of fact. 

badbnagdway

Agree with others, give them the benefit of the doubt. Just as your wedding is never as important to others as it is to you, so too is your due date. They probably do not realize the conflict.  

You or your H need to contact them and let them know that you and H won't be able to come because the baby is going to be born right around that, and isn't it exciting that you are all having such exciting milestones going on at the same time? Present it positively. No one should suggest that they change the date, but if they haven't booked anything yet, they may reconsider when they learn that their wedding is going to conflict with the birth. For one thing, H's parents may want to come and be with you for the birth as well as the wedding so there's another potential conflict right there. 

Jen4948

I would also give them the benefit of the doubt.

Even if they deliberately chose that date knowing that it is the time you expect to give birth, they may have done so because they didn't have any other good options.

I would just say to them, "Congratulations!  As it happens, I'll be giving birth around that time so I can't make it, but I'll be thinking about you and hope you have a very special day too.  I look forward to seeing your photos and hearing all about it!"

RebeccaFlower

jacques27 said:

Did it occur to you that it might not be about you?  Like maybe they chose a date that was convenient for them?  Or maybe she has something going on in the lives of one of her family members that is making them rush wedding planning so that person can attend?  No one has any obligation to put their life on hold for other people's life events, but it seems really unlikely that they chose this date out of spite.  Just be happy for them.  Send your congratulations and regrets that you won't be able to make it to due to impending baby.  Tell her you'll swap wedding pictures for baby pictures and let it go.

Are you fucking serious? She only mentioned being upset after I opened the door. OP never mentioned responding in any way other than etiquette approved and totally appropriate. No reason to rip her a new one for being bummed she can't attend. 

huskypuppy14

A bunch of you are saying "doesn't H mom want to be around for the birth". I don't know about the OP, but is this a common thing? I don't want my own mom in the delivery room, never mind my MIL. 

They can see the baby the next day or whatever. 

MollyandD

I understand why this would be upsetting. Two of my brothers couldn't make it to my wedding. I'm a teacher, and I was also in grad school when I got married. I chose a summer date that worked well for me and for my husband. One of my brothers works on a farm out of state, and summers are very busy for him. Another brother is getting his PhD out of state and had to spend last summer learning German. 

I didn't pick the date to snub them, but I also had to accept that they couldn't be there. Your brother-in-law and his future wife will have to do the same. But as others have said, let your husband handle it and try to understand that they didn't pick a date while thinking, "This will be great! We will make them choose between a safe delivery and coming to our wedding. Muahaha!"

ETA: congratulations on the upcoming birth! I don't know if it's been said a lot yet, but yay for you! 

indianaalum

I am sorry this happened. I know people are only viewing this as that you/DH can't attend get over it, but I get it is more than that. so I am sorry.

 If his entire family is out of the state for a wedding (assuming your family actually lives near you), none of them will be there for the birth of your child. As a person who recently had a baby, I get that. I loved that my siblings and parents came to the hospital to visit the baby. I would have been sad if my entire family was out of town when I gave birth. Of course, none of that is something you can say to them, but you can tell them how much you will miss the wedding and hope your DH is important enough that they change their mind.

perhaps drop subtle hints to the grandparents that they could miss the birth of their grandchild ....I would almost guarantee, they will work their magic on the date themselves! LO:  It is probably something that hasn't dawned on them and they might get the date changed withour you doing a thing LOL----acknowledges this is passive aggressive, but I bet it could work LOL

indianaalum

huskypuppy14 said:

A bunch of you are saying "doesn't H mom want to be around for the birth". I don't know about the OP, but is this a common thing? I don't want my own mom in the delivery room, never mind my MIL. 

They can see the baby the next day or whatever. 

None of my family other than my husband were in delivery room, but they all came up to the hospital to meet my son as soon as possible. I dno't think that is too unusual

but that is the point, if the entire family is out of state, they might need see the baby for days. That would be upsetting to some new moms/dads and ALSO to the grandparents who would have wanted to potentially be there, as well.

lovegood90

indianaalum said:

I am sorry this happened. I know people are only viewing this as that you/DH can't attend get over it, but I get it is more than that. so I am sorry.

 If his entire family is out of the state for a wedding (assuming your family actually lives near you), none of them will be there for the birth of your child. As a person who recently had a baby, I get that. I loved that my siblings and parents came to the hospital to visit the baby. I would have been sad if my entire family was out of town when I gave birth. Of course, none of that is something you can say to them, but you can tell them how much you will miss the wedding and hope your DH is important enough that they change their mind.

perhaps drop subtle hints to the grandparents that they could miss the birth of their grandchild....I would almost guarantee, they will work their magic on the date then!  It is probably something that hasn't dawned on themLOL

IMHO the bolded comes off as passive aggressive. I would just take the high road, let it go and congratulate them. I'm pretty sure they didn't do this on purpose...

levioosa

lovegood90 said:

indianaalum said:

I am sorry this happened. I know people are only viewing this as that you/DH can't attend get over it, but I get it is more than that. so I am sorry.

 If his entire family is out of the state for a wedding (assuming your family actually lives near you), none of them will be there for the birth of your child. As a person who recently had a baby, I get that. I loved that my siblings and parents came to the hospital to visit the baby. I would have been sad if my entire family was out of town when I gave birth. Of course, none of that is something you can say to them, but you can tell them how much you will miss the wedding and hope your DH is important enough that they change their mind.

perhaps drop subtle hints to the grandparents that they could miss the birth of their grandchild....I would almost guarantee, they will work their magic on the date then!  It is probably something that hasn't dawned on themLOL

IMHO the bolded comes off as passive aggressive. I would just take the high road, let it go and congratulate them. I'm pretty sure they didn't do this on purpose...

Yeah....don't do that.  The bolded was terrible advice and will definitely come off in a petty, passive aggressive way.  

bethsmiles

The same thing happened to my mom when she was pregnant with me. She was pregnant, her brother got engaged, and then they picked a date near the end of her pregnancy for their wedding that was across the country. My mom smiled and said congrats, unfortunately I won't be able to make it and that was it. It's really the only option that doesn't cause drama or make you look like an ass.

You really aren't going to give a shit about this when you are holding your beautiful, new baby in your arms.