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Newborn at a "no kids" wedding - Did I stress the bride unnecessarily?

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Re: Newborn at a "no kids" wedding - Did I stress the bride unnecessarily?

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    lovegood90lovegood90 member
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    bostonbride2015 said:

    lovegood90 said:

    MrsRonBurgundy said:

    aurianna said:

    Ugh. I just feel bad for you. I know about family drama and lose-lose situations.

    You probably shouldn't have asked about the baby but what's done is done and it's a minor sin anyway, IMO.
    If she says no... I would not be so nice as you to travel out of town, get a sitter, get a hotel room... just to go to a ceremony of someone who doesn't want you at her wedding enough to let your breast feeding baby come strapped to your chest.

    Because I am not as nice as you are, if she comes back to you and says no, I'd be sugar and light and say I totally understand... and then a little closer to the wedding say something came up and you'll have to miss the ceremony. But that's just me...


    Thanks, Aurianna.
    No matter what I am going to as much of this wedding as I can. 
    This is my baby cousin. She's in her 30's but she'll always be my baby cousin.
    I am her only female cousin. She is borrowing my wedding veil. My mom wore her mom's wedding veil. She cried when I offered to loan her my veil. I would never miss her wedding over something like this.

    I truly just told her about the baby situation because I wanted to be there for as much as I could and it was the only way I could think of to attend more of it.

    If it was just a not-so-close friend's wedding I would never have asked.

    If she says "no," I will come travel with my family; stay in a hotel; come to the rehearsal dinner for as long as I can (still no answer on whether it is kids or no-kids); leave my kids with a sitter and come to the ceremony.

    I predict that if that happens and I miss the reception, then in a few years she will have a kid, find herself in some similar situation or just realize how hard it is -- and will call me up and apologize. We do have that kind of close relationship. I think she is just doesn't have kids yet or doesn't have many friends who have kids so she doesn't realize what it's like. I realize she may also one day have  a kid and be like, "ugh, why was my cousin so dramatic, breastfeeding is stupid." Either way it's fine.

    To the bolded- but what does she have to apologize for? She didn't do anything wrong. Yes it's inconvenient for you because you're breast feeding, but she's perfectly allowed to not want kids at her wedding even if you guys are close. I feel like if you stop martyring yourself this will all go by much more smoothly.
    This is a little unfair.  I don't think OP is martyring herself at all.  Her cousin is perfectly within her rights to have a no-kids wedding.  But we always tell people on this board that there are consequences to that decision.  One of those consequences is that people with children may decide--or even not be able--to come.  Cousin has put OP in a legitimately tough position by asking her to come to the wedding and leave her young breastfeeding baby behind.  OP's not being a martyr about it--she's just asking about the best way to handle it.
    I was saying it sounded like she was "martyring" herself because she's all "oh maybe one day cousin will apologize to me"- which is pretty ridiculous IMO. If she's just asking the best way to handle it, fine, but stop acting like a victim just because your breastfeeding child isn't invited everywhere.

    Formerly martha1818

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    southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
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    lolo883 said:

    southernbelle0915 said:

    Yes, it was rude to ask and it put your cousin in an awkward position. 


    Her reasoning is objectively stupid, but she is within her etiquette right to have a completely child-free wedding.

    What is the duration of this wedding anyway? Most weddings do not exceed 6 hours or so (unless there's a big gap or something). And that's from the start of the ceremony to the very end of the reception. If you went to the ceremony and then stayed at the reception for dinner and cake, you're probably looking at more like 4 hours or so. 

    I'm not trying to sound insensitive or snarky, but how do you think breast feeding women maintain jobs? They can't just bail on their employer after an hour or two. I will be working during the time I breastfeed. My daily time away from my newborn will be 10-12 hours and I will be making it work. I guess I just don't really understand this argument.
    By the time you're back at work, the baby won't be eating as frequently as brand new newborns do, and you also would have had time to accumulate a stock of frozen breast milk for the baby to bottle feed from while you're gone. Brand new moms don't often produce enough to build any supply up while the baby is still nursing every 2 hours. 

    I guess mine is the UO that when it's close family like this, it's not totally out of line to ask "does this no kids thing include my 2 week old, or is it cool if I bring him?" Like it or not, nursing infants normally are the exception, so I can understand wanting to clarify whether that was the case or not. Sure, OP could have also just declined giving nursing as the reason, in which case the couple may have said "are you sure? you can bring LO if you like" but I personally wouldn't be put out if anyone asked me this. But I'd just give a simple yes or no answer, not "the baby will detract from me." That's bullshit either way. I know my opinion isn't etiquette law by any means, but I wouldn't lose any sleep over the "was I rude?!" dilemma. 
    She never said how old the baby is. Most of the women I know go back to work after about 8 weeks - they don't take the full 12. So sure, if the baby is less than 2 or so months old, then maybe that would apply. 

    But however old this newborn is and whatever the special circumstances are, it IS rude to ask to bring children to a wedding to which they aren't invited. It puts the hosts in an awkward position.
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    haleyk620haleyk620 member
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    I have a similar situation to yours; however, I am the bride and my FSIL is having my niece one month before the wedding. This will be the first time several of our family will see the baby in person. I felt the same way as your cousin initially (upset that god forbid the baby take away from MY special day...), but I have since gotten over that and am just looking forward to celebrating with all of our family and friends!

    But since she asked that no children be present at her event, I think you should try your best to honor that request.
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    novella1186novella1186 member
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    edited April 2015
    Maggie0829 said:

    southernbelle0915 said:

    southernbelle0915 said:

    Yes, it was rude to ask and it put your cousin in an awkward position. 


    Her reasoning is objectively stupid, but she is within her etiquette right to have a completely child-free wedding.

    What is the duration of this wedding anyway? Most weddings do not exceed 6 hours or so (unless there's a big gap or something). And that's from the start of the ceremony to the very end of the reception. If you went to the ceremony and then stayed at the reception for dinner and cake, you're probably looking at more like 4 hours or so. 

    I'm not trying to sound insensitive or snarky, but how do you think breast feeding women maintain jobs? They can't just bail on their employer after an hour or two. I will be working during the time I breastfeed. My daily time away from my newborn will be 10-12 hours and I will be making it work. I guess I just don't really understand this argument.
    By the time you're back at work, the baby won't be eating as frequently as brand new newborns do, and you also would have had time to accumulate a stock of frozen breast milk for the baby to bottle feed from while you're gone. Brand new moms don't often produce enough to build any supply up while the baby is still nursing every 2 hours. 

    I guess mine is the UO that when it's close family like this, it's not totally out of line to ask "does this no kids thing include my 2 week old, or is it cool if I bring him?" Like it or not, nursing infants normally are the exception, so I can understand wanting to clarify whether that was the case or not. Sure, OP could have also just declined giving nursing as the reason, in which case the couple may have said "are you sure? you can bring LO if you like" but I personally wouldn't be put out if anyone asked me this. But I'd just give a simple yes or no answer, not "the baby will detract from me." That's bullshit either way. I know my opinion isn't etiquette law by any means, but I wouldn't lose any sleep over the "was I rude?!" dilemma. 
    She never said how old the baby is. Most of the women I know go back to work after about 8 weeks - they don't take the full 12. So sure, if the baby is less than 2 or so months old, then maybe that would apply. 

    But however old this newborn is and whatever the special circumstances are, it IS rude to ask to bring children to a wedding to which they aren't invited. It puts the hosts in an awkward position.
    Wait, who gets 8 weeks let alone 12 weeks of maternity leave?  Let me know so I can get a job there if I were ever to have a kid!
    ---------------------ETF missing box----------------------------------------------------


    My company does 12 weeks. I know this because a close friend at work is currently on maternity leave. 
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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    novella1186 said:

    Maggie0829 said:

    southernbelle0915 said:

    southernbelle0915 said:

    Yes, it was rude to ask and it put your cousin in an awkward position. 


    Her reasoning is objectively stupid, but she is within her etiquette right to have a completely child-free wedding.

    What is the duration of this wedding anyway? Most weddings do not exceed 6 hours or so (unless there's a big gap or something). And that's from the start of the ceremony to the very end of the reception. If you went to the ceremony and then stayed at the reception for dinner and cake, you're probably looking at more like 4 hours or so. 

    I'm not trying to sound insensitive or snarky, but how do you think breast feeding women maintain jobs? They can't just bail on their employer after an hour or two. I will be working during the time I breastfeed. My daily time away from my newborn will be 10-12 hours and I will be making it work. I guess I just don't really understand this argument.
    By the time you're back at work, the baby won't be eating as frequently as brand new newborns do, and you also would have had time to accumulate a stock of frozen breast milk for the baby to bottle feed from while you're gone. Brand new moms don't often produce enough to build any supply up while the baby is still nursing every 2 hours. 

    I guess mine is the UO that when it's close family like this, it's not totally out of line to ask "does this no kids thing include my 2 week old, or is it cool if I bring him?" Like it or not, nursing infants normally are the exception, so I can understand wanting to clarify whether that was the case or not. Sure, OP could have also just declined giving nursing as the reason, in which case the couple may have said "are you sure? you can bring LO if you like" but I personally wouldn't be put out if anyone asked me this. But I'd just give a simple yes or no answer, not "the baby will detract from me." That's bullshit either way. I know my opinion isn't etiquette law by any means, but I wouldn't lose any sleep over the "was I rude?!" dilemma. 
    She never said how old the baby is. Most of the women I know go back to work after about 8 weeks - they don't take the full 12. So sure, if the baby is less than 2 or so months old, then maybe that would apply. 

    But however old this newborn is and whatever the special circumstances are, it IS rude to ask to bring children to a wedding to which they aren't invited. It puts the hosts in an awkward position.
    Wait, who gets 8 weeks let alone 12 weeks of maternity leave?  Let me know so I can get a job there if I were ever to have a kid!
    My company does 12 weeks. I know this because a close friend at work is currently on maternity leave. 

    That is awesome!!

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    flantasticflantastic member
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    We invited no children except H's nieces and nephew. I would not be offended if other people (who knew that I was excited to have them come) had asked about a new baby, as long as they then accepted whatever I said without complaining. My job then would have been to accept that they might not be able to make it, no matter how much I wanted them there, since they don't owe me their attendance no matter how many family or friends we have.

    If this somehow comes up this fall with my new baby, I'll probably just decline and maybe write something like "Sorry - can't not breastfeed the kid for that long! We'll miss you [and/or] be at the ceremony!" Then if they wanted to make an exception, they could bring it up to me.

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    southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
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    edited April 2015
    Maggie0829 said:

    southernbelle0915 said:

    southernbelle0915 said:

    Yes, it was rude to ask and it put your cousin in an awkward position. 


    Her reasoning is objectively stupid, but she is within her etiquette right to have a completely child-free wedding.

    What is the duration of this wedding anyway? Most weddings do not exceed 6 hours or so (unless there's a big gap or something). And that's from the start of the ceremony to the very end of the reception. If you went to the ceremony and then stayed at the reception for dinner and cake, you're probably looking at more like 4 hours or so. 

    I'm not trying to sound insensitive or snarky, but how do you think breast feeding women maintain jobs? They can't just bail on their employer after an hour or two. I will be working during the time I breastfeed. My daily time away from my newborn will be 10-12 hours and I will be making it work. I guess I just don't really understand this argument.
    By the time you're back at work, the baby won't be eating as frequently as brand new newborns do, and you also would have had time to accumulate a stock of frozen breast milk for the baby to bottle feed from while you're gone. Brand new moms don't often produce enough to build any supply up while the baby is still nursing every 2 hours. 

    I guess mine is the UO that when it's close family like this, it's not totally out of line to ask "does this no kids thing include my 2 week old, or is it cool if I bring him?" Like it or not, nursing infants normally are the exception, so I can understand wanting to clarify whether that was the case or not. Sure, OP could have also just declined giving nursing as the reason, in which case the couple may have said "are you sure? you can bring LO if you like" but I personally wouldn't be put out if anyone asked me this. But I'd just give a simple yes or no answer, not "the baby will detract from me." That's bullshit either way. I know my opinion isn't etiquette law by any means, but I wouldn't lose any sleep over the "was I rude?!" dilemma. 
    She never said how old the baby is. Most of the women I know go back to work after about 8 weeks - they don't take the full 12. So sure, if the baby is less than 2 or so months old, then maybe that would apply. 

    But however old this newborn is and whatever the special circumstances are, it IS rude to ask to bring children to a wedding to which they aren't invited. It puts the hosts in an awkward position.
    Wait, who gets 8 weeks let alone 12 weeks of maternity leave?  Let me know so I can get a job there if I were ever to have a kid!


    **********boxes************


    I mean, they're taking FMLA, so they're not getting 100% compensation, unfortunately.. I wish! My company makes you use down PTO to 5 days and then they pay 60% (I THINK - I really should know that by now...).
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    plainjane0415plainjane0415 member
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    novella1186 said:

    Maggie0829 said:

    southernbelle0915 said:

    southernbelle0915 said:

    Yes, it was rude to ask and it put your cousin in an awkward position. 


    Her reasoning is objectively stupid, but she is within her etiquette right to have a completely child-free wedding.

    What is the duration of this wedding anyway? Most weddings do not exceed 6 hours or so (unless there's a big gap or something). And that's from the start of the ceremony to the very end of the reception. If you went to the ceremony and then stayed at the reception for dinner and cake, you're probably looking at more like 4 hours or so. 

    I'm not trying to sound insensitive or snarky, but how do you think breast feeding women maintain jobs? They can't just bail on their employer after an hour or two. I will be working during the time I breastfeed. My daily time away from my newborn will be 10-12 hours and I will be making it work. I guess I just don't really understand this argument.
    By the time you're back at work, the baby won't be eating as frequently as brand new newborns do, and you also would have had time to accumulate a stock of frozen breast milk for the baby to bottle feed from while you're gone. Brand new moms don't often produce enough to build any supply up while the baby is still nursing every 2 hours. 

    I guess mine is the UO that when it's close family like this, it's not totally out of line to ask "does this no kids thing include my 2 week old, or is it cool if I bring him?" Like it or not, nursing infants normally are the exception, so I can understand wanting to clarify whether that was the case or not. Sure, OP could have also just declined giving nursing as the reason, in which case the couple may have said "are you sure? you can bring LO if you like" but I personally wouldn't be put out if anyone asked me this. But I'd just give a simple yes or no answer, not "the baby will detract from me." That's bullshit either way. I know my opinion isn't etiquette law by any means, but I wouldn't lose any sleep over the "was I rude?!" dilemma. 
    She never said how old the baby is. Most of the women I know go back to work after about 8 weeks - they don't take the full 12. So sure, if the baby is less than 2 or so months old, then maybe that would apply. 

    But however old this newborn is and whatever the special circumstances are, it IS rude to ask to bring children to a wedding to which they aren't invited. It puts the hosts in an awkward position.
    Wait, who gets 8 weeks let alone 12 weeks of maternity leave?  Let me know so I can get a job there if I were ever to have a kid!
    My company does 12 weeks. I know this because a close friend at work is currently on maternity leave. 

    I think ours is only 6 weeks.
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    theartistformerlyknownastheartistformerlyknownas member
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    Generally your job is protected for 12 weeks, so that's what people take as leave. Doesn't mean you're getting paid though.

    And SB, I was going based off OP's remark that the wedding is in "a few weeks" and she has "a newborn who is nursing frequently and sleeps all the time." I don't presume that to mean a 3 month old baby. If the OP says kid can't go long without a boob physically in her mouth, I'm inclined to believe her.

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    twitterbirdtwitterbird member
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    Your cousin was probably surprised that you asked which is why she reacted as she did. Personally I think its ridiculous to expect a new mother not to bring her newborn. Particularly if she is breastfeeding. I told my SIL to bring her 6 week old if she wanted.
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    Cookie PusherCookie Pusher member
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    Our company lets you use long-term disability, vacation time, and sick time with maternity leave. The last person who took maternity at my office was out for 4 months, I think?
    ~*~*~*~*~

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    abl13abl13 member
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    It's not a "no kids" wedding if there are 7 other kids attending.

    If she tells you your baby is not welcome, I would attend the ceremony only and then call it a day. If your cousin decides your presence at the reception is important maybe she will reconsider.

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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    edited April 2015
    As a woman without any children, these types of comments bother me.   It's the "just wait to you have children" comment that assumes every person without a child is insensitive to the needs of a family/mother.  The bride made a decision about no-children.  That decision was probably made a while ago when the guest list was first compiled.  It was a decision made by not only the bride, but her fiancé and anyone else that is paying for (and therefore has a say) the wedding.   Those individuals set the boundary for a reason.   It's just not appropriate to question that boundary.   If you do question that decision, it's rude to get upset because you don't like the answer.   Respect their needs and their decisions.   Not having children has nothing to do with their right to say no.  

    You are within your rights as a mother to not want to leave your child.  If you make the decision, then you have to decline the wedding invitation.  It's unfortunate that you can't attend, but it's what needs to be done.  
    I predict that if that happens and I miss the reception, then in a few years she will have a kid, find herself in some similar situation or just realize how hard it is -- and will call me up and apologize. We do have that kind of close relationship. I think she is just doesn't have kids yet or doesn't have many friends who have kids so she doesn't realize what it's like. I realize she may also one day have  a kid and be like, "ugh, why was my cousin so dramatic, breastfeeding is stupid." Either way it's fine.


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    TrixieJessTrixieJess member
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    edited April 2015
    southernbelle0915 said:

    Yes, it was rude to ask and it put your cousin in an awkward position. 


    Her reasoning is objectively stupid, but she is within her etiquette right to have a completely child-free wedding.

    What is the duration of this wedding anyway? Most weddings do not exceed 6 hours or so (unless there's a big gap or something). And that's from the start of the ceremony to the very end of the reception. If you went to the ceremony and then stayed at the reception for dinner and cake, you're probably looking at more like 4 hours or so. 

    I'm not trying to sound insensitive or snarky, but how do you think breast feeding women maintain jobs? They can't just bail on their employer after an hour or two. I will be working during the time I breastfeed. My daily time away from my newborn will be 10-12 hours and I will be making it work. I guess I just don't really understand this argument.
    If you are regularly breastfeeding your newborn every 2-3 hours, you either have to feed them after those 2-3 hours or pump. I know when my son was 2-3 months old and we would go to the movies, I would have to time the movie or I would leak everywhere and be severely engorged. I wouldn't even dream of leaving a newborn for more than 2 hours at a time between feeds.

    As for working, I went back to work when my son was 7 months old (FI used the rest of the parental leave) and I was in the back room pumping every 4 hours still and I nursed when I was home. There were days I was fit to burst.

    ETF: Clarity
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    lovegood90lovegood90 member
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    I don't understand the comments saying "well she invited 7 kids so this person should be allowed to bring her baby." Don't people talk about inviting in circles all the time? Don't people always say that children can be invited or not invited at the discretion at the hosts, even if other children are invited (as long as you're not splitting up siblings)?

    Sure it would be nice of the bride to allow the baby to come but the fact that other children will be there still doesn't mean every parent can just be like "oh great that means my kid can come too."

    Formerly martha1818

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    lilacck28lilacck28 member
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    edited April 2015
    lovegood90 said:


    I am inviting all the kids and babies to my wedding. I really don't mind. I love kids! I love babies! I want babies of my own, and I would love it if they were also invited to whatever future weddings I get invited to. 

    With that said,  I think it would have been okay for the OP to say to her  cousin, only because they are so close, "I love you cousin! I'm so excited for your wedding! But I'm not going to be able to stay for the whole reception, because I need to breastfeed my baby. If the baby is allowed to come for the wedding, then I"ll be able to stay for the whole thing. Either way is fine, just let me know what you would prefer!" And then accept whatever answer the cousin gives as final and leave it at that. 
     
    BUT the OP didn't do this. The OP said "My baby won't be a bother at all. I won't give the baby to anyone to look at.... blah blah blah" which then put her cousin in a very awkward position.  I do not think that was okay. It was rude. Her cousin said a stupid immature thing, but by giving "oh, but x reasons..." the OP was still quite rude. 

    ETA: I was going to quote and then changed my mind and the boxes decided to be weird. 
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    YogaSandyYogaSandy member
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    edited April 2015
    Knottie29408529 said:

    As a woman without any children, these types of comments bother me.   It's the "just wait to you have children" comment that assumes every person without a child is insensitive to the needs of a family/mother.  The bride made a decision about no-children.  That decision was probably made a while ago when the guest list was first compiled.  It was a decision made by not only the bride, but her fiancé and anyone else that is paying for (and therefore has a say) the wedding.   Those individuals set the boundary for a reason.   It's just not appropriate to question that boundary.   If you do question that decision, it's rude to get upset because you don't like the answer.   Respect their needs and their decisions.   Not having children has nothing to do with their right to say no.  

    You are within your rights as a mother to not want to leave your child.  If you make the decision, then you have to decline the wedding invitation.  It's unfortunate that you can't attend, but it's what needs to be done.  
    I predict that if that happens and I miss the reception, then in a few years she will have a kid, find herself in some similar situation or just realize how hard it is -- and will call me up and apologize. We do have that kind of close relationship. I think she is just doesn't have kids yet or doesn't have many friends who have kids so she doesn't realize what it's like. I realize she may also one day have  a kid and be like, "ugh, why was my cousin so dramatic, breastfeeding is stupid." Either way it's fine.




    I agree with you to a point. I also think though, that this could be an issue of simply not understanding the limitations on breastfeeding (not saying bride should say yes if she does, but I think the issue is harder to understand than people think). Still within her right to say no. Doesn't mean she ever needs to apologize. I just think that the bride might not fully understand why OP needs to either bring the baby or not come to most of the reception. One day she might be bfing and understand why OP has to make that decision. Doesn't mean the bride should apologize or even think that she should have let OPs baby come. And I too hate the "just wait" attitude, but i think this is one thing that you probably can't understand until you've done it. Doesn't mean once you start bfing (if you choose to) that you should rethink choices like above.

    However, until I had DS, I didn't understand the limits on breastfeeding. And they'll be different for every child (and not just necessarily newborns). DS ate every two hours (yes, even at night and sometimes even less than two hours) until he was like nine months old (he never slept through there night until fourteen months and four days either - and it's still sporadic). And he refused (adamantly) a bottle. It was like you were torturing the kid. But before I had him, I really wouldn't have understood the degree of it if someone said they couldn't come due to breastfeeding. I'd be like OK, but it wouldn't have meant there same to me as it does now. I would also figure why can't they just give the baby a bottle of formula or pumped milk? I know now that isn't even always a possibility either.

    SB I took 15 months off for mat leave (in Canada and extended it unpaid). So even though I tried hard and often to get DS to take a bottle, I never actually had to make sure he did, because I wasn't going back to work.

    ETA - if I was in the situation, I would have asked. Rude or not, my cousins and I are close. Had the answer been no, I wouldn't even be going OOT to attend any part of the wedding. Not to be vengeful, but traveling with babies (esp who eat all the time) is hard. Giving up my while weekend for half an hour to go to a ceremony. Then the cost. It would be too much. And I also hate to be away from my son. To me, it wouldn't be worth it to just go for that little bit and not have my son allowed to come. Well within the bride and groom's right to not want DS there (not everyone loves him and wants him around all the time like we do), but then they have to realize that is the result of not allowing him to come - we can't.

    ETA #2 clarity
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    banana468 said:

    I agree that this was lose lose but I also don't think she was entirely out of line for asking.   We're talking about a close person here and not a distant family member.   Yes it's technically rude but I would still just clarify before I made a choice like that.


    I do think that people may not understand what's required when breastfeeding.   When you're away from the baby you still need to pump.   So not allowing the baby there would mean that mom is lugging a pump in a tote bag into and out of the bathroom every 2-3 hours to empty her breasts or she could potentially spray people on the dance floor.    Not pumping is like saying that I shouldn't go to the bathroom unless I'm near my home toilet.   It's monumentally stupid.

    I have witnessed that people do not understand what it means to travel and parent until they are parents themselves.   BIL truly did not understand why so many family members chose not to attend his adults only wedding that was an 8 hour drive away from family.   He didn't get that people don't want to spend 8 hours in a car to not be with their kids and then to have to run away every time the baby in the family needs to be fed.

    I have to say that if I was in the OP's situation I'd probably have done the same thing.   If this was a close person I'd call her and ask if it worked.  If it didn't work out then I'd either attend the ceremony only and then head out or I'd lug my pump with me.   I did go back to work at 6 weeks so while DS won't take a bottle from me I'm lucky that he'll at least take one from the ladies at daycare or from DH when he thinks that he's about to be nursed.
    The bolded is a generalization that might apply to your BIL but not the entire human race. It can come across as condescending to those persons who are not parents

    I've said it before and I'll say it again: While the world does not revolve around those who do not have children, neither does it revolve around those who do.
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    banana468 said:

    Jen4948 said:

    banana468 said:

    I agree that this was lose lose but I also don't think she was entirely out of line for asking.   We're talking about a close person here and not a distant family member.   Yes it's technically rude but I would still just clarify before I made a choice like that.


    I do think that people may not understand what's required when breastfeeding.   When you're away from the baby you still need to pump.   So not allowing the baby there would mean that mom is lugging a pump in a tote bag into and out of the bathroom every 2-3 hours to empty her breasts or she could potentially spray people on the dance floor.    Not pumping is like saying that I shouldn't go to the bathroom unless I'm near my home toilet.   It's monumentally stupid.

    I have witnessed that people do not understand what it means to travel and parent until they are parents themselves.   BIL truly did not understand why so many family members chose not to attend his adults only wedding that was an 8 hour drive away from family.   He didn't get that people don't want to spend 8 hours in a car to not be with their kids and then to have to run away every time the baby in the family needs to be fed.

    I have to say that if I was in the OP's situation I'd probably have done the same thing.   If this was a close person I'd call her and ask if it worked.  If it didn't work out then I'd either attend the ceremony only and then head out or I'd lug my pump with me.   I did go back to work at 6 weeks so while DS won't take a bottle from me I'm lucky that he'll at least take one from the ladies at daycare or from DH when he thinks that he's about to be nursed.
    The bolded is a generalization that might apply to your BIL but not the entire human race. It can come across as condescending to those persons who are not parents

    I've said it before and I'll say it again: While the world does not revolve around those who do not have children, neither does it revolve around those who do.
    I should have phrased that as "I have witnessed some people who do not understand what it means to travel and parent until they're parents themselves."

    The choice of wording was incorrect and I did not mean to create a sentiment for all humans - just to show an anecdotal observation with one example.

    In no way do I think the word needs to revolve around those who have children.  I think my posting history should show that. 
    Thank you. I appreciate your posting this clarification.
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    MrsRonBurgundyMrsRonBurgundy member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    Hi Ladies,

    BUT the OP didn't do this. The OP said "My baby won't be a bother at all. I won't give the baby to anyone to look at.... blah blah blah" which then put her cousin in a very awkward position.  I do not think that was okay. It was rude. Her cousin said a stupid immature thing, but by giving "oh, but x reasons..." the OP was still quite rude. 

    Regarding the above comment. That is true. I should have stopped sooner and just presented it more simply. I didn't mean to put her on the spot more. In part she was asking me questions point blank as she was processing what I was saying. She literally said, "Would I need to tell the caterer? Would I need to add a chair." So I got the impression she was trying to understand the situation so she could make an informed decision.

    For my part, because we are close, I was trying to understand what about the situation was concerning to her -- again, because she sounded like she was asking for more information. She did not say no right off. 

    If it were me I would be most concerned about having my wedding disrupted, so I was trying to make clear to her that I was going to time it so the baby would not be at the ceremony. And that I would leave the room quickly if she made any noise at the reception. 

    Honestly, I don't judge her for having the reaction she had -- that she was worried my bringing the baby would take away from her spotlight. She is allowed to have whatever fear or reaction that comes; I understand. 

    I originally thought the wedding and reception were at our hotel and I could leave reception, go feed baby, come back, not miss dinner etc.
    Her family has had other events at this hotel (2 Bar Mitzvahs) so that's why I had that impression. But actually her wedding is 30 min from the hotel, so this means if I leave to feed the baby I probably won't have time to come back.

    I also wanted to avoid a situation where I try to come to the reception, get called away by babysitter and wind up not having my dinner that hosts have paid for... etc. And then my aunt and cousins are all annoyed that I left.

    My baby is 4 weeks old now. I literally just started pumping yesterday. (Breastfeeding moms often are told not to start pumping until the baby is 4 weeks.) Baby will be 6 weeks at time of the wedding. I do not yet know how well she will take a bottle. If she will take one from this babysitter, whom she has never met (OOT sitter we found) etc. 

    As to my comment that one day my cousin might apologize to me. That was a poor choice of words. I don't need her to apologize to me. I am not trying to be a martyr. I do not think that people with kids should thrust their problems and their kids on other people or on other peoples' weddings. I just meant that I have been in bride's position and later realized the person wasn't trying to be precious about their kid in wanting to bring a baby, or not knowing if they could attend b/c of baby. This is truly about the challenges and mechanics of nursing a newborn. 
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