Wedding Party

Do I still invite her?

I decided to get rid of one of my bridesmaids yesterday. I'll see if I can keep the explanation rather short. We were, I thought, close friends. And then she made a statement that was... I'll say very offensive to me, but might not be to other people. She stated that you can't really be friends with people/know people/have any sort of personal relationship with anyone you meet online. At all. Ever.

That's awkward, but it's more so when you consider the fact that that's how I met my FI. And my MOH. And my other BM. And a quarter of our guest list. And, for bonus points: also how I met this particular, now-former BM! We've known each other for a few years, but apparently it isn't "real" because we originally met online. (We know each other offline, obviously, as well now.) I'm a semi-popular online author, FI mostly does work online. Our lives are very much internet-involved, and I really felt like she was just negating a lot of things that were important to FI and I both personally and as a couple.

So, I felt that having her stand up next to me would have just been... not appropriate. My question: should I still invite her? While I find what she said offensive, we're still friends. I just don't want her as a bridesmaid.

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Re: Do I still invite her?

  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    Yeah, what you did was equally offensive - once you ask, you shouldn't un-ask unless you are prepared for them to be so rightfully offended that they never speak to you again. I don't think whether you continue to be friends is really in your control.

    I also am with PP in wondering why it was so offensive that you couldn't bear the thought of having her stand up with you, yet you are fine continuing the friendship.

    How soon do your invites go out? If you have enough time to see that it seems like nothing's changed between you, I'd go ahead and send her an invite if that's what you really want to do. If she is offended, though, and you send her an invite anyway, she might get more offended. Again, though, I don't see why that would be such a huge loss to you. Or she could take it as an olive branch, although I doubt it. Who the hell knows.

  • Well, blessedly, neither I nor she are toddlers, and we're able to behave like adults. I'm honestly baffled that someone would say, "Well, I said something that offended you and you made a choice because of that so LET'S BURN ALLLLLL THE BRIDGES!". We're not screaming teenage girls who just got told they can't get their favorite shade of lipstick at the mall.

    Would you have someone stand up next to you after they negated your relationship with your FI as well as all of the bridesmaids? To me, that's basically what she did. She rather literally called the relationship I have with my FI imaginary. It makes me wonder why she said yes in the first place. Offending one person privately is much more preferable than insulting everybody else.  But her personal beliefs, while they seriously caught me off-guard, are not enough for me to say I'm never speaking to her again.  As I said, this isn't high school and I'm not that petty. We -are- still friends. I'm just trying to figure out whether or not to invite her.

    Our invites are going out week after next, so I've got time to decide things.



  • novella1186novella1186 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    edited April 2015
    OP, to me it seems like you over-reacted to someone simply stating an opinion. She might not have thought it through to the point that she realized you could apply it to your own life and get offended. She might not have meant it to be aimed at you AT ALL, and was not attacking your relationship in any way. 

    For all you know, she met a guy online and was interested in him but things didn't work out so her comment was just her way of lamenting over something in HER life. 

    Seems like you made a huge leap deciding that her comment was meant to undermine your relationship with your FI, and your friendships. Not everything that people say is about you, focused on you, meant to insult you, etc. 

    I think kicking her out of your bridal party was a really immature, drastic thing to do all because of one stupid comment. And now the question shouldn't be whether or not to send her an invite; it should be how you're going to do damage control and salvage the friendship, if you even want to salvage it. If you don't want to, then don't invite her. It's that simple. 
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    If the comment was awful enough to justify kicking her out of the wedding, it would be awful enough that you wouldn't want to be friends anymore.

    Don't invite her. 
    OliveOilsMom
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    If the comment was awful enough to justify kicking her out of the wedding, it would be awful enough that you wouldn't want to be friends anymore.


    Don't invite her. 
    Ditto this. 

  • I realize that I have difficulty communicating. I'm autistic, makes it hard for me to express things.

    So let me restate:

    The BM in question made the comment in direct correlation to my FI and other related friends. The conversation, on the whole, was on the subject that, to each their own, but our relationship isn't real because of how we met. I, too, assumed that she was just stating something off-hand. When I pressed, she happily "clarified". I attempted to discuss the situation, only to be informed that, clearly, internet people are just not people at all.

    If it had been an off-hand comment, I wouldn't have been nearly offended. It was the fact that it was in regards to this, and also people we care about, that makes it a problem for me. It may not seem terribly hurtful to you, but I would have been equally offended if she had insulted one of my other BMs due to race, or stated that my religion was invalid because I'm not Christian.

    I guess I'm just not all hoity-toity like a lot of other women here. It's a wedding. Not the coronation of the Queen of England. I just want people who actually support me to support me and also my relationship with my FI. Not someone who feels that she's just there for the cake and that the two people she's actually there to support are, apparently, in an imaginary relationship and none of it means anything. I strongly suspect she has some mental issues that I was somehow blissfully unaware of. If she cannot believe in that relationship, she has no business standing up and, with her presence, saying that she does. I know I wouldn't do that. I'd hope none of you would.

    However, yes, she and I are still talking. I still think it's downright silly to end a friendship over a reneged BM position. I would never, but I will admit that things are on fragile ground since apparently I'm not real since, well, internet. *magical internet fingers*

    I'm not trying to be a bitch. I'm just in an incredibly difficult position. Up until this last month, she has been an absolute angel. Though, I'll be honest, I never really thought to ask, "So, I met you through _______.com. Are we, like, really friends? Or just fake ones?"

  • I think you made a mountain out of a molehill. 

    Why couldn't you have just told her the comment offended you and why it offended you? Why did you have to leverage her honored role in your wedding? The wedding has nothing to do with it, yet you brought it into the fold by trying to show her you're in control by taking away a title you gave her. That's ridiculous and childish, IMO.

    If I were you, I'd apologize for overreacting. Don't make excuses for yourself, just apologize and see what she says. Don't be surprised if she doesn't even want to attend your wedding anymore.
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    Maggie0829Viczaesar
  • From your second post it sounds like you still want to be friends with her, in which case invite her. Not inviting her would definitely burn that bridge, if kicking her out hasn't already done so. 

    Knotties will tell you (and have told a million other brides) that kicking a BM out of the wedding part is a "friendship-ending move" -- because it can be really hurtful to the BM, who could then choose to end the friendship. It's a very drastic, harsh thing to do, and there's no going back. That's why we're trying to tell you that the friendship could be at an end, not that you're required to end the friendship based on not wanting her in your wedding party. 

    And I agree with PP; if you were that upset by her comment that you kicked her out, then it should have been bad enough that you're also ready to end the friendship. I'm a little confused by the fact that you wanted her out but still want to be friends. 
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  • You can still invite her, but don't be surprised if she doesn't come. Just stating this for myself, that if someone I asked to be a BM said or did something that offended me so much that I kicked them out of my bridal party, I would also consider it the end of our friendship. If it's something that you can look past and still be friends, then why can't you look past it for having her in your bridal party? You realize that she will continue to judge you and relationship with your FI and many of your friends even if you maintain this friendship with her. Do you want to continue to hear about that?
  • littlepeplittlepep South Carolina member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer

    This is what I don't understand:


    You viewed her comment as SO rude and awful that she basically sees people/relationships that form online as fake -- that you don't want her to be in your bridal party because she doesn't support your relationship. Okay. That's all well good and fine.

    So you want to know if you should invite her to the wedding because?... She doesn't view your relationship as real because you met online? Ergo, she doesn't support your marriage? But you still want her there for you? Just not in your bridal party?

    What in the actual fuck? Honestly. Does that make sense to you at all?

    And hoity-toity, I think not. I wouldn't kick someone out of my bridal party for that business. I'd probably tell them "We met online you jerkface. Want another beer?" and call it a day. But that's how my friends and I talk to each other. I certainly wouldn't take offense to that comment. 
    This. It doesn't make sense that you were upset enough to kick her out of the bridal party, but not upset enough to not invite her to the wedding. 

    I understand what she said upset you, but it seems like you maybe overreacted. And if what she said was really that offensive to you, why do you want to still be friends with her? If one of my friends said I don't support your relationship at all, I probably just wouldn't be friends with them. 
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Insulting the people here who help you is really unnecessary and childish. The problem is not that you are communicating incorrectly. The problem is that there is no logic. 

    You say that the comment affected you on the same level that most people would react to a racial slur. If one of my BMs turned racist, I would kick her out of my wedding AND my life. 

    Either you know you grossly over-reacted by kicking her out or there is no reason to be friends with her anymore. If it's the former, apologize to her and try to salvage the relationship. If it's the latter, move on. 
    novella1186
  • Everything in this post comes off as incredibly immature. Either you found the statement as offensive as a racial slur, or it's "not worth ending a friendship" over. It can't be both. 

    And "she rather literally called the relationship I have with my FI imaginary."
    What? 
    You have actually met your fiancé in real life, haven't you? And your bridesmaid? 
    OliveOilsMommrsdee15amelisha
  • VulgarGirlVulgarGirl Desert Oasis member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper

    I realize that I have difficulty communicating. I'm autistic, makes it hard for me to express things.

    So let me restate:

    The BM in question made the comment in direct correlation to my FI and other related friends. The conversation, on the whole, was on the subject that, to each their own, but our relationship isn't real because of how we met. I, too, assumed that she was just stating something off-hand. When I pressed, she happily "clarified". I attempted to discuss the situation, only to be informed that, clearly, internet people are just not people at all.

    If it had been an off-hand comment, I wouldn't have been nearly offended. It was the fact that it was in regards to this, and also people we care about, that makes it a problem for me. It may not seem terribly hurtful to you, but I would have been equally offended if she had insulted one of my other BMs due to race, or stated that my religion was invalid because I'm not Christian.

    I guess I'm just not all hoity-toity like a lot of other women here. It's a wedding. Not the coronation of the Queen of England. I just want people who actually support me to support me and also my relationship with my FI. Not someone who feels that she's just there for the cake and that the two people she's actually there to support are, apparently, in an imaginary relationship and none of it means anything. I strongly suspect she has some mental issues that I was somehow blissfully unaware of. If she cannot believe in that relationship, she has no business standing up and, with her presence, saying that she does. I know I wouldn't do that. I'd hope none of you would.

    However, yes, she and I are still talking. I still think it's downright silly to end a friendship over a reneged BM position. I would never, but I will admit that things are on fragile ground since apparently I'm not real since, well, internet. *magical internet fingers*

    I'm not trying to be a bitch. I'm just in an incredibly difficult position. Up until this last month, she has been an absolute angel. Though, I'll be honest, I never really thought to ask, "So, I met you through _______.com. Are we, like, really friends? Or just fake ones?"



    If we're so hoity toity, and unhelpful then what the fuck are you doing here?  And yowsa for a "semi popular online author" your writing is rambly, confusing and all over the map. Find your point dear.

    I will simply let these hoity toity women take it from here.

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    She didn't say what made it popular.

    There was a girl in high school who was popular for taking it up the ass. She was popular. But not for good reasons.
    MyNameIsNotdrunkenwitch[Deleted User]
  • littlepeplittlepep South Carolina member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    edited April 2015
    MagicInk said:

    I realize that I have difficulty communicating. I'm autistic, makes it hard for me to express things.

    So let me restate:

    The BM in question made the comment in direct correlation to my FI and other related friends. The conversation, on the whole, was on the subject that, to each their own, but our relationship isn't real because of how we met. I, too, assumed that she was just stating something off-hand. When I pressed, she happily "clarified". I attempted to discuss the situation, only to be informed that, clearly, internet people are just not people at all.

    If it had been an off-hand comment, I wouldn't have been nearly offended. It was the fact that it was in regards to this, and also people we care about, that makes it a problem for me. It may not seem terribly hurtful to you, but I would have been equally offended if she had insulted one of my other BMs due to race, or stated that my religion was invalid because I'm not Christian.

    I guess I'm just not all hoity-toity like a lot of other women here. It's a wedding. Not the coronation of the Queen of England. I just want people who actually support me to support me and also my relationship with my FI. Not someone who feels that she's just there for the cake and that the two people she's actually there to support are, apparently, in an imaginary relationship and none of it means anything. I strongly suspect she has some mental issues that I was somehow blissfully unaware of. If she cannot believe in that relationship, she has no business standing up and, with her presence, saying that she does. I know I wouldn't do that. I'd hope none of you would.

    However, yes, she and I are still talking. I still think it's downright silly to end a friendship over a reneged BM position. I would never, but I will admit that things are on fragile ground since apparently I'm not real since, well, internet. *magical internet fingers*

    I'm not trying to be a bitch. I'm just in an incredibly difficult position. Up until this last month, she has been an absolute angel. Though, I'll be honest, I never really thought to ask, "So, I met you through _______.com. Are we, like, really friends? Or just fake ones?"



    If we're so hoity toity, and unhelpful then what the fuck are you doing here?  And yowsa for a "semi popular online author" your writing is rambly, confusing and all over the map. Find your point dear.

    I will simply let these hoity toity women take it from here.

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    She didn't say what made it popular.

    There was a girl in high school who was popular for taking it up the ass. She was popular. But not for good reasons.


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    thespeshulestsnowflakelnixon8
  • I think if it offended you enough to drop her as a BM, then no you should not invite her. I don't see the difference. She called your relationship and friendships with her and others a lie, so you kick her out as a bridesmaid, but still want to remain friends? I don't get it. If you asked her to be a bridesmaid, and you still want her at the wedding, why would you kick her out of the wedding party?
  • I'm not even going to touch on all of the confusing points flying around in your posts, OP. But, here are the options I see for you:

    1. You want to remain friends with ex-BM - You invite her to the wedding

    2. You don't want to remain friends with ex-BM - You don't invite her to the wedding

    or, perhaps ideally:

    3. You want to remain friends with ex-BM and do the mature thing - You apologize for your over-reaction to her comment AND you invite her to the wedding (and maybe tell her you would still love her to be a BM and that you over-reacted in the heat of the moment)

    If I were your friend, and I made that comment, and you reacted that way, I probably wouldn't even want to come to your wedding anymore, and I don't think that is being hoity-toity. In my world, if you are close enough with someone to ask them to stand with you at your wedding, and you then renege that position, it means you no longer value that person as a close and trusted friend. So, yes, that is hurtful, and would AT LEAST damage a friendship, if not end it. But maybe I'm just crazy! 
    [Deleted User]
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I'd also like to address the flippant "I strongly suspect she has mental issues" comment.  So, one of your best friends in the world disagrees with you, you jump to the conclusion that she has a mental health issue, and your first instinct after jumping to this conclusion is to kick her out of the wedding party instead of being concerned about her?  Is that right? Because that's messed up, yo. 


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    [Deleted User]klk111415MyNameIsNotViczaesar
  • Step one in maintaining a friendship with people: don't kick them out of your wedding in the first place.

    Step two: don't tell strangers on the internet that you think she has mental problems.

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  • sophhabobophasophhabobopha The Midwestern tundra member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    I would like to respond, but I'm too hoity toity to care about your situation.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    MairePoppyChemFanatic25theartistformerlyknownasdrunkenwitch
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its

    Is this a joke?



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    sophhabobopha
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