Family opinions on destination wedding... help!

limichelle

My fiance and I are planning on a small destination wedding in Bali. His mom, my dad, and our friends are all on board/excited for the trip. We've already sent out RSVPs and a few people have already booked tickets. My mom consistently tries to persuade me out of Bali because she is afraid we/the wedding party will be robbed, mugged, or abducted at some point during the trip, that all of her friends don't think we should get married there, and that some extended family members will not be able to make it. I've tried countless ways to address her travel safety concerns, but it's been a month of constant worrying regardless of what I say to help her feel better.

Am I being unreasonable? What else can I say? Most people who are coming to the wedding have traveled extensively, and do not have the same concerns as my mom does (she has only ever traveled to Hawaii once in the past 25 years). We're not asking for any financial help with the wedding, and we understand that not everyone will be able to come. My fiance and I both have small immediate families and a small group of very good friends, and we're perfectly happy with that group. 

Cookie Pusher

Your mom isn't paying, so she has no say in the kind of wedding you are having. The best you can do is try to reassure her as you've been doing.

banana468

I think some people just fear the unknown.   My dad would feel this way if I planned a wedding in NYC (which is just over an hour from my parents' home).   He thinks that Manhattan is a place you go to get mugged and shot.

I'd probably just bean dip your mom and continue planning. 

[Deleted User]

See if you can find some reviews and/or articles about traveling to Bali & the area of Bali that you will be staying at. Also if you are staying a resort, make sure to point out all the great things that are available at the resort so that if she doesn't feel comfortable traveling around the towns, she can still have lots of fun at the resort. Or offer to find her some guided bus tours if she wants to go sight seeing reminding her that these tours wouldn't take her to a place that is unsafe as it would be bad for their business.

Since she hasn't travled much, you may need to help her plan some, like telling her to make sure to call her Credit Card company to advise them she will be traveling, etc. You know the basic travel stuff that those who travel regularly take for granted needs to be done.

sarahufl

banana468 said:

I think some people just fear the unknown.   My dad would feel this way if I planned a wedding in NYC (which is just over an hour from my parents' home).   He thinks that Manhattan is a place you go to get mugged and shot.

I'd probably just bean dip your mom and continue planning. 

How very 70s of him

banana468

sarahufl said:

banana468 said:

I think some people just fear the unknown.   My dad would feel this way if I planned a wedding in NYC (which is just over an hour from my parents' home).   He thinks that Manhattan is a place you go to get mugged and shot.

I'd probably just bean dip your mom and continue planning. 

How very 70s of him

You have NO IDEA!  :-)

novella1186

limichelle said:

My fiance and I are planning on a small destination wedding in Bali. His mom, my dad, and our friends are all on board/excited for the trip. We've already sent out RSVPs and a few people have already booked tickets. My mom consistently tries to persuade me out of Bali because she is afraid we/the wedding party will be robbed, mugged, or abducted at some point during the trip, that all of her friends don't think we should get married there, and that some extended family members will not be able to make it. I've tried countless ways to address her travel safety concerns, but it's been a month of constant worrying regardless of what I say to help her feel better.

Am I being unreasonable? What else can I say? Most people who are coming to the wedding have traveled extensively, and do not have the same concerns as my mom does (she has only ever traveled to Hawaii once in the past 25 years). We're not asking for any financial help with the wedding, and we understand that not everyone will be able to come. My fiance and I both have small immediate families and a small group of very good friends, and we're perfectly happy with that group. 

No, you're not being unreasonable. Some moms seem to get stuck on certain worries and don't know how to let it go. I know this because I have one of those moms. I would just tell her-- in a nice way-- that she really is mistaken and clearly doesn't understand the reality of what this destination is like. If you've already made that clear, then stop talking to her about it. When she brings it up, just change the subject. 

This is not your mom's wedding, and she's not paying for it, so it really isn't up to her to decide. If she doesn't like the destination then she doesn't have to go. It's that simple. 

blabla89

You can try to keep reassuring her. You can try beandipping when she brings it up (It will be fine! Bali's a safe place for tourists! What did you put in this delicious bean dip?). Or, if she keeps pushing you may just need to gently tell her that the wedding is booked and the subject is closed. I don't think that's unreasonable as long as you're polite about it.

CMGragain

I was in Bali in January, and I loved it.  Do you qualify to be married there?  They have some unusual rules for marriage.  You must declare yourselves to be members of one of the state recognized religions in order to have a legal wedding in Bali.

limichelle

Thanks for all the advice! I told her I would handle all of her travel arrangements, but she still has qualms (she feels like we would be responsible if anything bad happened to anyone who was there because of the wedding, terrorists and all that..) so I think I just may need to change the subject whenever it comes up...

CMGragain said:

I was in Bali in January, and I loved it.  Do you qualify to be married there?  They have some unusual rules for marriage.  You must declare yourselves to be members of one of the state recognized religions in order to have a legal wedding in Bali.

How was the weather in January? We're planning on heading over in late Feb. We're planning on doing all the paperwork in the states beforehand, it won't technically be a legal wedding in Bali. 

redwoodoriginal

limichelle said:

Thanks for all the advice! I told her I would handle all of her travel arrangements, but she still has qualms (she feels like we would be responsible if anything bad happened to anyone who was there because of the wedding, terrorists and all that..) so I think I just may need to change the subject whenever it comes up...

I was in Bali in January, and I loved it.  Do you qualify to be married there?  They have some unusual rules for marriage.  You must declare yourselves to be members of one of the state recognized religions in order to have a legal wedding in Bali.

How was the weather in January? We're planning on heading over in late Feb. We're planning on doing all the paperwork in the states beforehand, it won't technically be a legal wedding in Bali. 

flutteringinfl

limichelle said:

Thanks for all the advice! I told her I would handle all of her travel arrangements, but she still has qualms (she feels like we would be responsible if anything bad happened to anyone who was there because of the wedding, terrorists and all that..) so I think I just may need to change the subject whenever it comes up...

I was in Bali in January, and I loved it.  Do you qualify to be married there?  They have some unusual rules for marriage.  You must declare yourselves to be members of one of the state recognized religions in order to have a legal wedding in Bali.

How was the weather in January? We're planning on heading over in late Feb. We're planning on doing all the paperwork in the states beforehand, it won't technically be a legal wedding in Bali. 

To the bolded:

Then it's not a wedding at all. Are your guests aware they are paying all that money to view a fake ceremony?

And to your original question: Tell your mother that you could get mugged/shot/stabbed walking down your own street. I'm sure that will quash her fears. Other than that ignore her.

NowIAmSyp

limichelle said:

Thanks for all the advice! I told her I would handle all of her travel arrangements, but she still has qualms (she feels like we would be responsible if anything bad happened to anyone who was there because of the wedding, terrorists and all that..) so I think I just may need to change the subject whenever it comes up...

I was in Bali in January, and I loved it.  Do you qualify to be married there?  They have some unusual rules for marriage.  You must declare yourselves to be members of one of the state recognized religions in order to have a legal wedding in Bali.

How was the weather in January? We're planning on heading over in late Feb. We're planning on doing all the paperwork in the states beforehand, it won't technically be a legal wedding in Bali. 

redoryx

Are your guests who will be traveling all the way to Bali know that they won't actually be witnessing your marriage? 

lovegood90

Are you being truthful to everyone that this isn't a real wedding? If I spend all that time and money to go to the other side of the world to watch you get married and then found out you lied to me like that, I would not be your friend anymore.

novella1186

lovegood90 said:

Are you being truthful to everyone that this isn't a real wedding? If I spend all that time and money to go to the other side of the world to watch you get married and then found out you lied to me like that, I would not be your friend anymore.

Ditto this. 

flbride2015

lovegood90 said:

Are you being truthful to everyone that this isn't a real wedding? If I spend all that time and money to go to the other side of the world to watch you get married and then found out you lied to me like that, I would not be your friend anymore.

Ditto.

flutteringinfl

lovegood90 said:

Are you being truthful to everyone that this isn't a real wedding? If I spend all that time and money to go to the other side of the world to watch you get married and then found out you lied to me like that, I would not be your friend anymore.

I used to not get the big deal with PPD's. Then I realized something like this. It's one thing to say, "We had a very intimate destination wedding and now we're having a big party with friends back home" as a couple people I know have done. It's quite another to decide you want to have a big "wedding" in an exotic locale but you're not willing to do the work to actually get married there, so you're essentially asking your nearest and dearest to go on vacation with you. I probably don't want to just go on vacation with you. I want to watch you get married, or go on vacation myself.

redoryx

flutteringinfl said:

Are you being truthful to everyone that this isn't a real wedding? If I spend all that time and money to go to the other side of the world to watch you get married and then found out you lied to me like that, I would not be your friend anymore.

I used to not get the big deal with PPD's. Then I realized something like this. It's one thing to say, "We had a very intimate destination wedding and now we're having a big party with friends back home" as a couple people I know have done. It's quite another to decide you want to have a big "wedding" in an exotic locale but you're not willing to do the work to actually get married there, so you're essentially asking your nearest and dearest to go on vacation with you. I probably don't want to just go on vacation with you. I want to watch you get married, or go on vacation myself.

This -- it's like the legal portion is just some pesky little paperwork that needs to be added to the wedding checklist between "call the dj" and "go to a cake tasting" even though it's that pesky little paperwork that actually makes you married.

If your guests know about it I'm less judgmental, though I'll still side-eye it. But at least they go on the vacation knowing the situation.

lovegood90

flutteringinfl said:

lovegood90 said:

Are you being truthful to everyone that this isn't a real wedding? If I spend all that time and money to go to the other side of the world to watch you get married and then found out you lied to me like that, I would not be your friend anymore.

I used to not get the big deal with PPD's. Then I realized something like this. It's one thing to say, "We had a very intimate destination wedding and now we're having a big party with friends back home" as a couple people I know have done. It's quite another to decide you want to have a big "wedding" in an exotic locale but you're not willing to do the work to actually get married there, so you're essentially asking your nearest and dearest to go on vacation with you. I probably don't want to just go on vacation with you. I want to watch you get married, or go on vacation myself.

Yep. And I've been to Bali earlier this year- SO and I saved up for a whole year to go. The round trip flight, not counting accommodations, was almost $2k alone. And the total travel time not including layovers (min 6 hrs) was 22 hours.

So yeah, if I did all that for a friend who couldn't even do me the courtesy of telling me she was already married, I would be done with that friendship so incredibly fast.

ohannabelle

Okay. You're not getting married in Bali. 

You're getting married in the US, and expecting your family and friends to cough up thousands of dollars to see a staged reenactment of a wedding.

So, basically, you're inviting people on your honeymoon.

Have a small and intimate wedding in the US. Go on your honeymoon. Problem solved.

antibride2013

My fiance and I are planning on a small destination wedding in Bali. His mom, my dad, and our friends are all on board/excited for the trip. We've already sent out RSVPs and a few people have already booked tickets. My mom consistently tries to persuade me out of Bali because she is afraid we/the wedding party will be robbed, mugged, or abducted at some point during the trip, that all of her friends don't think we should get married there, and that some extended family members will not be able to make it. I've tried countless ways to address her travel safety concerns, but it's been a month of constant worrying regardless of what I say to help her feel better.

Am I being unreasonable? What else can I say? Most people who are coming to the wedding have traveled extensively, and do not have the same concerns as my mom does (she has only ever traveled to Hawaii once in the past 25 years). We're not asking for any financial help with the wedding, and we understand that not everyone will be able to come. My fiance and I both have small immediate families and a small group of very good friends, and we're perfectly happy with that group. 

 

 

JIC

delujm0

I second the above...OP as long as your guests are aware that you will be legally married in the US before going to Bali, i wouldn't necessarily side-eye it.  I mean i might not GO TO IT unless i just really really wanted an excuse to go to Bali, but i wouldn't think it was inherently rude.  Please please tell your guests before they spend thousands of dollars on a vacation that they may not even want to go on that you plan to get legally married here before hand.  Most people are willing to spend more money and time to go to a wedding than to go on a vacation designed by another person - so deceiving your guests and letting them believe that the ceremony in Bali is your wedding would be very wrong.

 

Think about it this way.  If you had your heart set on going to Thailand for vacation this year, but then your BFF decided to have a destination wedding in Sweden, you would probably want to go to the wedding in Sweden.  Depending on your budget and available vacation time, you may have to cancel or otherwise alter your plans for your own vacation to Thailand because of this.  Wouldn't you be mad if once you got to Sweden you learned that your BFF actually already got married in the US a few weeks ago?  And that you could have just gone to the counrthouse and out to eat with her and then skipped Sweden to go to Thailand as originally planned?  On the other hand, if you knew about the wedding ahead of time, and you also wanted to go to Sweden, you may decide that even though your BFF got married before hand you would like to excuse to go there now and postpone Thailand for another year.  But if she tells you the truth on the front end, at least she's not deceiving you and you are able to make an informed decision about your finances and travel plans instead of basing them on a fabrication of the truth.

Jells2dot0

I do not understand this trend in wanting to have a "wedding that really isn't a wedding" at some random destination that doesn't have any personal meaning to the couple just because it looks cool in a picture or sounds cool in a story. Yes, I had a destination wedding, but it really was a legal wedding and I didn't make my family and friends fly to Brisbane, catch a connector to Gladstone, then catch a helicopter to Heron Island then catch a boat to Wilson Island to spend a minimum of 2 nights (not including flying time) at over $1K/night to see my 10 minute ceremony. There is a personal connection to the location as well, but again, no reason to drag anyone into it with me.

CMGragain

The weather in Indonesia is hot and humid - all the time.  Coming from Colorado, it was a physical shock.  I loved the culture, arts, and temples and hated the weather.
I agree with all the PPs about your having a fake "wedding" at such an expensive location. 

PS.  The flight is from hell.  23 hours!

CMGragain

This is a good site for laws in Indonesia.  http://www.baliguide.com/baliwedding.html  Atheists and agnostics cannot be legally married at all.  The couple cannot be of differing faiths.  You need paperwork from the US Consulate as well as your church.  Getting married anywhere in Indonesia (including Bali) is a major hassle, which is why I asked the question in the first place.  Good spot for an exotic honeymoon, though.

VerizonGirl

If your mother's name, or mom & dad, will be on the top line of the invitations, as the people who are hosting the wedding and inviting the guests to be in Bali, an attorney could name your parents in a law suit if something happened to a guest - so your mom has some real concern there.

Some of her other problems with your choice may be rooted in the concept that the bride's mom helps plan the wedding, and here you have done it all and so she does not get to do that which she has dreamed about since she gave birth to a little girl. 

flutteringinfl

VerizonGirl said:

If your mother's name, or mom & dad, will be on the top line of the invitations, as the people who are hosting the wedding and inviting the guests to be in Bali, an attorney could name your parents in a law suit if something happened to a guest - so your mom has some real concern there.

Some of her other problems with your choice may be rooted in the concept that the bride's mom helps plan the wedding, and here you have done it all and so she does not get to do that which she has dreamed about since she gave birth to a little girl. 

It doesn't sound like her mother is helping to pay for the "wedding." If that's true, then there's no reason her mother's name should be listed on the invitation, and no reason she should be held liable. Sounds more like general parental concern.

LondonLisa

limichelle said:

Thanks for all the advice! I told her I would handle all of her travel arrangements, but she still has qualms (she feels like we would be responsible if anything bad happened to anyone who was there because of the wedding, terrorists and all that..) so I think I just may need to change the subject whenever it comes up...

I was in Bali in January, and I loved it.  Do you qualify to be married there?  They have some unusual rules for marriage.  You must declare yourselves to be members of one of the state recognized religions in order to have a legal wedding in Bali.

How was the weather in January? We're planning on heading over in late Feb. We're planning on doing all the paperwork in the states beforehand, it won't technically be a legal wedding in Bali. 

1.) There has been far more terrorist attacks in London and New York City than in Bali. 

2.) This is extremely rude. I hope all of your guests know it is a fake wedding in Bali! You only get one wedding day and that is the day you are getting married in the States. Why not just call it a day and honeymoon in Bali? It seems to solve both of your problems.  I would be livid/ end the friendship if I spent money to go to Bali for a wedding and found out the couple lied to me and was married in the States beforehand. Would you invite guests to a graduation party reenactment in Bali when you actually had your ceremony at a university in the States? I realise an invitation is not a summons, but it is very vulgar to be asking so much of your guests for a wedding reinactment!

XrebeccaX

OP I was very much with you on the "Mom worries" issue. We had a DW and my mom didn't actually seem to be excited about it/enjoy it until well after it was over (like months after it was over). It is difficult to deal with, that I know first hand.

If she knows you're getting married in the US prior to the trip, might that figure into her worries as well?

We had to work pretty hard (and do some extra traveling) to make our legal wedding happen at the destination, but it was worth it. 

Viczaesar

VerizonGirl said:

If your mother's name, or mom & dad, will be on the top line of the invitations, as the people who are hosting the wedding and inviting the guests to be in Bali, an attorney could name your parents in a law suit if something happened to a guest - so your mom has some real concern there. No, she doesn't.  Anybody can be sued at any time for anything; that doesn't mean that the suit has any merit. 

Some of her other problems with your choice may be rooted in the concept that the bride's mom helps plan the wedding, and here you have done it all and so she does not get to do that which she has dreamed about since she gave birth to a little girl.