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Oh, RSVP's...

Why is the concept of an RSVP so hard for some people? This whole wedding planning process has been, for the most part, fun for me. Yea, there have been some stressful elements, but honestly I've enjoyed it overall. I knew though, that the RSVP's would bring the most stress and annoyance.

Yesterday I received an RSVP from my cousin and his wife. They wrote in "3" next to the "Will Attend" Line, and wrote in their names along with the name of their 2 (3?) year old son. Typically I would tell them, or have my parents relay the no kids information on our behalf, but they are coming from Florida. My cousin told me a few months ago that they got their tickets, so obviously they probably got a ticket for their son. I'm just going to bite the bullet and not say anything, but I can't help feeling annoyed. My mom and FMIL had suggested that we write "Adults Only" or something on our invitations because people in our family just do NOT get it. This isn't the first RSVP like that we received, but with the other ones, the invitees were not from out of town, and the kids were older, so we were able to relay the information to them.

I'm just wondering, what would you guys do? I'm making an exception this time because the parents do have to travel. I understand that some parents don't want to leave their kids behind, or would trust a random babysitter. Any family member that would be able to babysit will be at the wedding. Having an additional kid at the wedding won't break the bank or ruin the wedding. I just don't get it, they had their wedding a few years ago, so I thought that they would know how to properly respond. I'm starting to get concerned about other guests thinking "Well, why wasn't MY child allowed to come?"
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Re: Oh, RSVP's...

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    lovegood90lovegood90 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited April 2015

    I personally would put my foot down on any uninvited kids because then it could be a slippery slope of letting more uninvited children come.

    Obviously it's easiest to do this if it's a true child-free event, but if other kids are invited and they're the only out of town people you invited who have a kid, then I can see why you would just let it slide. I'd just be careful because if you have a lot of out of towners with kids who also won't "get it" and pull something like this, where do you draw the line?

    That's why I always think it's easiest to draw your line and stick to it, no matter how awkward it is/inconvenient it is for the guests.

    Formerly martha1818

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    I didn't really have any RSVPing issues, but I did have a few friends and family that were OOT that would be flying in ask about their young child. I quickly realized that my "adults only" wedding I wanted would mean that I may have more declines. I really wanted to see these guests and told them that their little one was welcome.

    I had 4-5 kids there max and they were all under 9mos except for my flower girl who was 2. THey were all so little that they slept most of the time and I hardly noticed they were there. I am still glad we didn't have a "kid friendly" wedding... basically anything from 2-12.
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    I personally would put my foot down on any uninvited kids because then it could be a slippery slope of letting more uninvited children come.

    Obviously it's easiest to do this if it's a true child-free event, but if other kids are invited and they're the only out of town people you invited who have a kid, then I can see why you would just let it slide. I'd just be careful because if you have a lot of out of towners with kids who also won't "get it" and pull something like this, where do you draw the line?

    That's why I always think it's easiest to draw your line and stick to it, no matter how awkward it is/inconvenient it is for the guests.

    Yes, this is what I was thinking. We just have one other out of town couple with a kid. I can't remember if I posted this, but it is FI's cousin and his GF and they are coming with the girls grandmother and wanted to bring the grandmother to the wedding. Luckily, FI's mom relayed to FI's cousins mom that they cannot bring an uninvited guest to the wedding. And that it is adults only (for good measure). I still have not received their RSVP, but I'm under the impression that they understand.

    This is why I'm considering letting it slide. I wish I relayed the information sooner to my cousin, but I really thought he would understand who was invited to the wedding. Especially when they sent formal invitations for their own wedding!
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    lovegood90 said. But in practice, I would probably do what you are doing and just bite the bullet for this one kid since they are flying in. 

    If it makes you feel any better, RSVPs have been super annoying for us too. We had lots of people say "maybe" -- um that doesn't count as RSVPing!-- and 2 of them are STILL "maybe" with the wedding less than 2 weeks away and the final count already turned into the caterer. I just counted them as a yes. 

    We had a few people give themselves +1 (how generous of them, since we did not give them a +1)

    We had a few people RSVP for their kids (no big deal because we're not doing kids free, but in these cases FILs failed to tell me these people even had kids, so it was a total surprise to me and to our guest count) 

    And we have a couple-- parents of FI's close friend-- who never bothered to RSVP at all. FI has tried to track them down but couldn't find their number. So he asked his friend. His friend asked his parents and they didn't bother to get back to their son about it. WTF? I'm counting them as a "no" at this point. Annoying. 
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    pinkcow13 said:

    I personally would put my foot down on any uninvited kids because then it could be a slippery slope of letting more uninvited children come.

    Obviously it's easiest to do this if it's a true child-free event, but if other kids are invited and they're the only out of town people you invited who have a kid, then I can see why you would just let it slide. I'd just be careful because if you have a lot of out of towners with kids who also won't "get it" and pull something like this, where do you draw the line?

    That's why I always think it's easiest to draw your line and stick to it, no matter how awkward it is/inconvenient it is for the guests.

    Yes, this is what I was thinking. We just have one other out of town couple with a kid. I can't remember if I posted this, but it is FI's cousin and his GF and they are coming with the girls grandmother and wanted to bring the grandmother to the wedding. Luckily, FI's mom relayed to FI's cousins mom that they cannot bring an uninvited guest to the wedding. And that it is adults only (for good measure). I still have not received their RSVP, but I'm under the impression that they understand.

    This is why I'm considering letting it slide. I wish I relayed the information sooner to my cousin, but I really thought he would understand who was invited to the wedding. Especially when they sent formal invitations for their own wedding!
    Dang, that is annoying! It's funny how people "forget" how frustrating not RSVPing properly is when it's not their own wedding anymore...

    Formerly martha1818

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    I didn't really have any RSVPing issues, but I did have a few friends and family that were OOT that would be flying in ask about their young child. I quickly realized that my "adults only" wedding I wanted would mean that I may have more declines. I really wanted to see these guests and told them that their little one was welcome.


    I had 4-5 kids there max and they were all under 9mos except for my flower girl who was 2. THey were all so little that they slept most of the time and I hardly noticed they were there. I am still glad we didn't have a "kid friendly" wedding... basically anything from 2-12.
    That's where I'm leaning towards, I really want my cousin there (his wife, well that's another story lol), so being that they are only one of 2 out of towners with kids, it won't be a big deal. 
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    RSVPs are currently the bane of my existence. How hard is it to put a number and an X to indicate your attendance? I EVEN PUT A FUCKING STAMP ON IT FOR YOU.

    My cousin didn't realize that the "thing" in the upper right corner with my and FI's name and wedding date was a stamp. "I thought it was a really cool sticker." Did you miss that part where it says USPS on that really cool sticker? 

    Fucking A. You've got to be kidding me.

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    For my little sisters wedding last year, 1 cousin of ours did not RSVP. She called him. He said he couldn't make it. 

    He showed up the day of the wedding. He lived a 15 hour drive away. And he decided last minute that he wanted to come. So he drove 15 hours, and not once thought to phone anyone.

    So, I'm just going to assume he is coming to mine no matter how or if he RSVPs....


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    I think I'd look at if this is the only invitee in this situation or if it might be a slippery slope.  As in cousin tells other cousin/sister/brother/whatever that Johnny is coming and then other cousin says oh well if Johnny is going then we should RSVP for Susie and Henrietta too. etc


    We are doing adults only and the only exception is my MOH her son is 8 and will be there.  He decided he is too old to be the ring bearer but I know she wants him there so I'm ok with it. I consider him to be basically the same as having my niece the flower girl there because he could have been the ring bearer but he didn't want to be.

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    I had one girl say she was going to ask this guy to our wedding. He's a good friend of my ex bf. I was like umm weird. And also you don't have a plus one. So there's that. I don't understand why people assume they can bring whoever. 

    I'm expecting a few people to ask to bring their kids. We aren't inviting kids, but we have a couple of family members that I think may want to bring their kids. Not a hill I want to die on so I budgeted for that in case they do. 
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    Ugh, the budget and RSVPs were the most stressful aspects of our wedding.

    My only wedding-related meltdown occurred when a couple we invited from the groom's side "read the invitation wrong" and invited their 4 ADULT children. I didn't find out until they had already bought plane tickets and I couldn't bring myself to tell them no, although it royally pissed me off.

    We also had a few no responses (including my cousin who got married the year prior) which was really annoying.

    I can see how your situation is a tough one. Kids and plus ones are especially tricky b/c you don't want to make your other guests feel like they were singled out by not getting a plus one or bringing their kids. I think if they already bought the plane ticket, I'd let it slide.


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    lovegood90 said. But in practice, I would probably do what you are doing and just bite the bullet for this one kid since they are flying in. 


    If it makes you feel any better, RSVPs have been super annoying for us too. We had lots of people say "maybe" -- um that doesn't count as RSVPing!-- and 2 of them are STILL "maybe" with the wedding less than 2 weeks away and the final count already turned into the caterer. I just counted them as a yes. 

    We had a few people give themselves +1 (how generous of them, since we did not give them a +1)

    We had a few people RSVP for their kids (no big deal because we're not doing kids free, but in these cases FILs failed to tell me these people even had kids, so it was a total surprise to me and to our guest count) 

    And we have a couple-- parents of FI's close friend-- who never bothered to RSVP at all. FI has tried to track them down but couldn't find their number. So he asked his friend. His friend asked his parents and they didn't bother to get back to their son about it. WTF? I'm counting them as a "no" at this point. Annoying. 
    Ugh! Who the hell RSVP's with "maybe"?!?! 

    So far we have had:
    - FI's aunt who RSVP's for her and her boyfriend who was obviously invited. She told me a few weeks ago though, that she would definitely be coming, even if her bf couldn't make it. But she just put him down in case he does make it. 
     - My mom's cousin asked my mom if she could bring her niece and her niece's husband. My mom told her no, we need to keep it at a certain number. So she said she wasn't going to be able to make it. I asked my mom if she sent back the RSVP (With her return address printed and a pretty stamp on it!).
    - Someone put their kid down, but FMIL spoke to them.
     
    And lastly, my Bridal Shower is next weekend. My MOH had such a hard time with RSVP's. She had to ask my mom to call some people, and then I ended up having to contact my cousin about his wife. She was the last one to not respond. Normally I would have said put her down as "No", but the are the flower girls parents so I wanted to make sure we attempted to contact them. It took 2 texts and 3 days to get a response. Oh, and this same cousin had no idea he had to send back the wedding RSVP as well. 

    Oy.
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    RSVPs are currently the bane of my existence. How hard is it to put a number and an X to indicate your attendance? I EVEN PUT A FUCKING STAMP ON IT FOR YOU.


    My cousin didn't realize that the "thing" in the upper right corner with my and FI's name and wedding date was a stamp. "I thought it was a really cool sticker." Did you miss that part where it says USPS on that really cool sticker? 

    Fucking A. You've got to be kidding me.
    I freaking cracked up laughing at this. Oh my!!
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    RSVPs are currently the bane of my existence. How hard is it to put a number and an X to indicate your attendance? I EVEN PUT A FUCKING STAMP ON IT FOR YOU.


    My cousin didn't realize that the "thing" in the upper right corner with my and FI's name and wedding date was a stamp. "I thought it was a really cool sticker." Did you miss that part where it says USPS on that really cool sticker? 

    Fucking A. You've got to be kidding me.
    Can I ask how old this cousin is? This seems crazy.
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    Ugh, I am so not looking forward to this....  luckily I have some time to steel myself...  

    Hang in there ladies! :)
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    RSVPs are currently the bane of my existence. How hard is it to put a number and an X to indicate your attendance? I EVEN PUT A FUCKING STAMP ON IT FOR YOU.


    My cousin didn't realize that the "thing" in the upper right corner with my and FI's name and wedding date was a stamp. "I thought it was a really cool sticker." Did you miss that part where it says USPS on that really cool sticker? 

    Fucking A. You've got to be kidding me.
    Can I ask how old this cousin is? This seems crazy.
    19. Lives on her own, goes to school and has a FT job. She's actually quite brilliant but one of those brilliant minds where common sense is not so common. She also thought that when she applied for school, the school would just supply her with student loans. "I got a letter from the college and it says I owe X! Can you believe that!? They didn't get my student loans applied." "Did you fill out a FASFA?" "What's a FASFA?"

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    Well is he an indigo child? Because if he is, not only should allow him to come, but you should extend him a date.

    Other than this child, your wedding is totally kid free, right? If you're going to make an exception for this couple because they're OOT, you may consider calling that other OOT couple and extending a courtesy invite to their kid. Obviously you by no means have to or "should". But if I were that couple, I'd be kind of pissed to see the only other OOT couple there with their kid. They'll probably just assume you let the kid come b/c they're from OOT, so they'll probably wonder why not their kid. KWIM? I would NEVER suggest this if there were multiple OOT couples with  kids, but it sounds like there's just those two couples.
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    RSVPs are currently the bane of my existence. How hard is it to put a number and an X to indicate your attendance? I EVEN PUT A FUCKING STAMP ON IT FOR YOU.


    My cousin didn't realize that the "thing" in the upper right corner with my and FI's name and wedding date was a stamp. "I thought it was a really cool sticker." Did you miss that part where it says USPS on that really cool sticker? 

    Fucking A. You've got to be kidding me.
    Can I ask how old this cousin is? This seems crazy.
    19. Lives on her own, goes to school and has a FT job. She's actually quite brilliant but one of those brilliant minds where common sense is not so common. She also thought that when she applied for school, the school would just supply her with student loans. "I got a letter from the college and it says I owe X! Can you believe that!? They didn't get my student loans applied." "Did you fill out a FASFA?" "What's a FASFA?"

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    Ah got it. My brother is the same way.
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    littlepep Ugh, FI's aunt is one of those who invites everyone and their mother to people's events. Her son, FI's cousin, is one of the groomsmen. He's single, but we gave him a plus1. She told me at Thanksgiving that she told him if he doesn't have a date for our wedding, to bring his grandmother (her MIL) because she really wants her to go to our wedding. I didn't say anything because, yea he could bring whoever he wants, but I was thinking... well that's not how it works. Well, we got his RSVP back and he is indeed bringing his grandma. Which is fine, but it's annoying how his mom thinks the invitation can just be given to anyone.

    beachyone15 - Ugh yes, the budget is the other thing that's stressful. 
    Ugh, 4 ADULT children? How do you "misread" that on an invitation? SMH.
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    Well is he an indigo child? Because if he is, not only should allow him to come, but you should extend him a date.


    Other than this child, your wedding is totally kid free, right? If you're going to make an exception for this couple because they're OOT, you may consider calling that other OOT couple and extending a courtesy invite to their kid. Obviously you by no means have to or "should". But if I were that couple, I'd be kind of pissed to see the only other OOT couple there with their kid. They'll probably just assume you let the kid come b/c they're from OOT, so they'll probably wonder why not their kid. KWIM? I would NEVER suggest this if there were multiple OOT couples with  kids, but it sounds like there's just those two couples.
    Hmm that is a good point. And if anything, FI's cousin's child is still a baby, so it really won't affect us in terms of an extra seat or plate. I guess I should speak to FI about extending the invitation to their kid.

    My cousin, who is a bridesmaid, has 3 toddlers, including a newborn she just had in January. She was adamant about not bringing any of her kids to the wedding (I actually was going to ask her what she wanted to do and before I did she told me she was in no way bringing her kids to the wedding). She said their MIL will take care of the kids and she and her husband are looking forward to enjoying the night. Obviously I can't assume every couple feels that way.
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    Ugh, the budget and RSVPs were the most stressful aspects of our wedding.

    My only wedding-related meltdown occurred when a couple we invited from the groom's side "read the invitation wrong" and invited their 4 ADULT children. I didn't find out until they had already bought plane tickets and I couldn't bring myself to tell them no, although it royally pissed me off.

    We also had a few no responses (including my cousin who got married the year prior) which was really annoying.

    I can see how your situation is a tough one. Kids and plus ones are especially tricky b/c you don't want to make your other guests feel like they were singled out by not getting a plus one or bringing their kids. I think if they already bought the plane ticket, I'd let it slide.

    Oh hell no! That would piss me off so bad. And I highly doubt it was a mistake. How do you misinterpret whether four other people were invited?!
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    So... I should not RSVP for me, my colorist, my dentist, and the cute guy in the next building over? 

    I am so lucky that our guests didn't RSVP for anyone not indicated on their invitations!
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    littlepep said:

    Ugh, the budget and RSVPs were the most stressful aspects of our wedding.

    My only wedding-related meltdown occurred when a couple we invited from the groom's side "read the invitation wrong" and invited their 4 ADULT children. I didn't find out until they had already bought plane tickets and I couldn't bring myself to tell them no, although it royally pissed me off.

    We also had a few no responses (including my cousin who got married the year prior) which was really annoying.

    I can see how your situation is a tough one. Kids and plus ones are especially tricky b/c you don't want to make your other guests feel like they were singled out by not getting a plus one or bringing their kids. I think if they already bought the plane ticket, I'd let it slide.

    Oh hell no! That would piss me off so bad. And I highly doubt it was a mistake. How do you misinterpret whether four other people were invited?!
    Yeah, H tried to tell me that they were all family friends and all grew up together. But they obviously weren't close enough for us to invite in the first place. "Mr. and Mrs." does not mean "the whole freaking smith family". Thank God they didn't all bring dates! I would have had to put my foot down to that.


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    OP, I feel your pain. Our RSVP deadline was last week. We have the following:

    1. FMIL who will not tell us whether or not she is bringing her boyfriend. She says she doesn't know but that FI's sister will maybe bring two guests to fill both FMIL's bf's spot and FSIL's bf's spot (because FSIL's bf is also not coming). Who the fuck knows. 

    2. People who have repeatedly told me "maybe", including one person who now says she's coming but will be several hours late. 

    3. People whose kids are not invited but they keep trying to weasel their kids in anyways. FI actually thinks some people will come with their kids even though they are not invited and we have already had conversations about the fact that we were not able to invite any children. 
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    OP, I feel your pain. Our RSVP deadline was last week. We have the following:


    1. FMIL who will not tell us whether or not she is bringing her boyfriend. She says she doesn't know but that FI's sister will maybe bring two guests to fill both FMIL's bf's spot and FSIL's bf's spot (because FSIL's bf is also not coming). Who the fuck knows. 

    2. People who have repeatedly told me "maybe", including one person who now says she's coming but will be several hours late. 

    3. People whose kids are not invited but they keep trying to weasel their kids in anyways. FI actually thinks some people will come with their kids even though they are not invited and we have already had conversations about the fact that we were not able to invite any children. 
    I also got this. "We'll be there. But we don't get off work until 5, so it'll be long after that." So you're telling me that you may walk in during the cake cutting? Or just the drinking and dancing part?... What? 

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    Ugh, the budget and RSVPs were the most stressful aspects of our wedding.

    My only wedding-related meltdown occurred when a couple we invited from the groom's side "read the invitation wrong" and invited their 4 ADULT children. I didn't find out until they had already bought plane tickets and I couldn't bring myself to tell them no, although it royally pissed me off.

    We also had a few no responses (including my cousin who got married the year prior) which was really annoying.

    I can see how your situation is a tough one. Kids and plus ones are especially tricky b/c you don't want to make your other guests feel like they were singled out by not getting a plus one or bringing their kids. I think if they already bought the plane ticket, I'd let it slide.

    Oh hell no! That would piss me off so bad. And I highly doubt it was a mistake. How do you misinterpret whether four other people were invited?!
    Yeah, H tried to tell me that they were all family friends and all grew up together. But they obviously weren't close enough for us to invite in the first place. "Mr. and Mrs." does not mean "the whole freaking smith family". Thank God they didn't all bring dates! I would have had to put my foot down to that.


    PREACH GIRL. If you couldn't remember them enough to include them the first time around, they weren't good enough friends. FI and I have had that convo a few times around. We can't make the venue big so tough cookies. 
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    Oh RSVPs. My friends have been surprisingly terrible at RSVPing to wedding related functions. Both the shower and bachelorette party I had to hunt a few people down because they weren't responding to my MOH.

    My favorite RSVPs were:
    1. The couple who just checked "Regretfully Decline" and send it back without filling in their name. Thank goodness for numbering RSVP cards.

    2. FI's friend who invited his cousin (? we think) because his wife can't or won't make it. We let it slide because he's OOT and I'm just so glad he's willing to come. FI's college friends are bad at reciprocating travel but he still likes them. Granted this is the couple who invited us to the second tier of their wedding - first time I had heard of that before TK.

    3. We actually got one yesterday, 20 days after the RSVP date and a whole five days before the wedding! It was from a friend who I think was OOT when RSVPs were due. She had texted me about it, so she was in the plan, but I don't understand why she sent back the card. It does me no good now. Glad you got to use that stamp?
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    anjemon said:

    My favorite RSVPs were:
    1. The couple who just checked "Regretfully Decline" and send it back without filling in their name. Thank goodness for numbering RSVP cards.

    We had one like this too, although we didn't put "regretfully" so it was just "Decline" checked. We still don't know who it was actually. I thought I knew -- a certain couple came to mind, but it wasn't them because they are attending. We did not know to number our RSVPs. Woops. 
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    anjemon said:

    My favorite RSVPs were:
    1. The couple who just checked "Regretfully Decline" and send it back without filling in their name. Thank goodness for numbering RSVP cards.

    We had one like this too, although we didn't put "regretfully" so it was just "Decline" checked. We still don't know who it was actually. I thought I knew -- a certain couple came to mind, but it wasn't them because they are attending. We did not know to number our RSVPs. Woops. 
    This will probably be my number one advice for any wedding planning friends. It was super helpful for situations like the above one. And then we had one come back with the name area totally torn up, but I could tell the number still. And some people have bad hand writing. Basically it was really useful to me.
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    larrygagalarrygaga member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited April 2015
    I would tell them no. They were not invited.

    Unfortunately, when you become a parent you sometimes have to realize that your kids aren't the center of anyone else's lives but your own. Being a parent hopefully means you are an adult, which means you need to make choices. If they seriously have nobody to leave their kids with for a few days than I guess they don't get to go anywhere!

    My favorite RSVP is when my MOH and little sister checked the decline box, and then wrote on the back "JK". That was it. I saved it.
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