Will you contribute to your kids' weddings?

flantastic

Would we contribute?   No. We'll only have boys and I'll pull a MIL and pay for nothing but demand many things. Just kidding. Yes, probably.

How much?   Who knows.

Would we do traditional "bride's parents" or "groom's parents" things?    Depends if the other parents are really attached to their roles and wouldn't want to give anything up - otherwise, no.

Will we attach strings? Yep. Proper hosting for one, would pay for any particular food/beverage we want to see, and maybe there'd be some people we want to invite depending on how large the guest list is. (Are they inviting 30 people? Not gonna add on randos. Are they inviting 100+? Yeah, we might have some people we want to celebrate with.) 

KatieinBkln

Would we contribute?   Yes. My parents paid for mine (and for so much other stuff in my life), and I want to pass their generosity forward.

How much?  Ideally the whole thing--we will likely aim for whatever is "average" in the area we live in at the time. Anything above that they'll be on their own.

Would we do traditional "bride's parents" or "groom's parents" things?   As I am not fully sure what those things are, I guess not.

Will we attach strings? Only the string of "you can't have bad etiquette on my dime" and I might have a handful of people I'd like invited.

wandajune6

Would we contribute?   If we can. It depends entirely on our situation.

How much?  Around $10K, give or take. It just needs to be the same for each kid.

Would we do traditional "bride's parents" or "groom's parents" things? Nope.

Will we attach strings? Absolutely not.

We'll actually take the approach my parents did. They set aside money for us to use for a big life event. When they started, the thought was that it would go towards our weddings. When we got older, they offered it to us for downpayments on our first homes. We both took that option. When my sister decided to get married 2 years later, they offered her a loan for her wedding. When it was my turn, they made the same offer. (Thought it was under slightly different terms: my sister and her husband conveniently forgot to repay the loan and my parents were lax in addressing the issue. When I got engaged 5 years after their wedding, my parents forgave her loan and gave us the same amount of money. We're identical twins so they kept things equal.)

bizzy592

(for future hypothetical babies)

Would we contribute? Yes, I expect we would.

How much? It's hard to say at this point. Maybe 50k?

Would we do traditional "bride's parents" or "groom's parents" things? Not unless their FILs were sticklers.

Will we attach strings? No (outside of it being a properly hosted event).

lovemesomemonster

I would like to do what my parents are doing. They have told me "we are giving you X amount of dollars to use" if I want to go over I pay, if I go under I can save/spend it on what I want. I would like to be in a financial position to do that for my kids as well.

momofbride530

We are contributing what we can to our daughter's May wedding and I am helping with all the DIY and set up. She and her fiance are paying for probably 98% themselves.

LadyMillil

Would we contribute? If we were able to. A wedding wouldn't be a priority for me. I'd rather help them out with education.

How much? I'm not sure, but same amount for each kid. I wouldn't pay for everything.

Would we do traditional "bride's parents" or "groom's parents" things? No. 

Will we attach strings? Proper etiquette is a must. I'd like to go dress/tux shopping with the kid. Maybe a few guests.

theartistformerlyknownas

Would we contribute?Honestly, I'd rather not. Idk, I didn't want or expect contributions or strings from our parents, and I certainly can't see this as something I'd specifically save up for. I'd rather let them host the party they choose (if they so choose), and then give a large gift. Maybe do like my dad did and pick up an item here and there (he bought our invitations, and surprised me by paying the remaining 50% of my dress after I paid the deposit). It is looking like we'll be paying for college, and I'm certainly not paying $100k for college then $50k for a wedding. College => job => pay for your own shit. You're welcome.

How much?Don't know. Depends a lot on how old they are at the time.

Would we do traditional "bride's parents" or "groom's parents" things?No.

Will we attach strings? No.

Love, Mama Scrooge.

[Deleted User]

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huskypuppy14

I find this interesting, because it seems many of you had your parents pay for college, but not necessarily your wedding. And most of you say you would pay for college, but not necessarily your kid's wedding. I wonder if this is due to the age of your parents. 

My parents were in their late 30s when I went to college (I'm the oldest of 3). So they didn't have a lot of money to spare. I'm lucky in that I got a lot of scholarships, financial aid, and student loans. My parents really only had to pay for room and board. Maybe about 5K a year more or less (15 years ago- I went to a 30K a year private college). I wouldn't just give my kid 100K or whatever college will cost in 20 years or so. They have to get good grades, and try to get scholarships, just like I had to.

If I had gotten married right after college, there is no way I would have had the fancy 35K wedding I had last year. 

So my parents have more money than they had 10-15 years ago (as do I of course!!), and were able to pay for the majority of my sisters' and my weddings.The three of us all got/are getting married within 3 years (last one is this summer). So basically, my parents paid more for my wedding than all four years of my college.

Would we contribute?   Probably, it depends on our financial situation. I'm 32 and my husband is 36. If our future kid is married when they are 30, we'll be in our 60s at least. I guess it will depend on our retirement savings.

How much?   Who knows.

Would we do traditional "bride's parents" or "groom's parents" things?    No.

Will we attach strings? Only in regards to the "Don't be an asshole to your guests" rule.

theartistformerlyknownas

@huskypuppy14 our parents didn't pay for college, either. And we don't plan on paying for college without strings either... we actually don't intend to even tell them that we're saving for it. We'll encourage jobs and scholarships, but when application time comes if Tidbit says "I wish I could go to (more expensive school) but I can't get scholarships there and I can't afford it" (like I did with Michigan... I went to an expensive private school but got a lot more scholarships there) we'll be able to say "actually... you can."

JennyColada

I would imagine that part of DH's ego relies heavily on being able to pay for these types of things without a second thought. I mean, he's like that with our retirement and eating out and things of that nature. So, yes, I imagine that we will be able to and that he would have a lot of pride in being able to offer our future child that (just like his dad did to us).

I can't imagine us being super nitpicky or having a lot of strings to give. I mean, I'm SO not ready to have kids yet, that it's hard to even put myself in a mental space to consider how I'd want to interact with them 20 years down the line.

CMGragain

We paid for daughter wedding.  I was proud to be able to do more for her than I had when I was a bride.  No strings.  We were 2000 miles apart, so no pre-wedding parties, or anything MOB oriented.

If my son EVER gets married, we will wait to see how the bride's parents feel about things.  I promise to keep my mouth shut and not criticize!  My son is 32, and he makes a lot more money than we do.  I'm a proud mother.

larrygaga

I don't even have a child yet.

ashley8918

lolo883 said:

@huskypuppy14 our parents didn't pay for college, either. And we don't plan on paying for college without strings either... we actually don't intend to even tell them that we're saving for it. We'll encourage jobs and scholarships, but when application time comes if Tidbit says "I wish I could go to (more expensive school) but I can't get scholarships there and I can't afford it" (like I did with Michigan... I went to an expensive private school but got a lot more scholarships there) we'll be able to say "actually... you can."

My mom didn't pay for my college either. Actually, not a single cent. And I have no intention of entirely financing college for my kids, but I have had savings plans for each of them since they were born.

emmaaa

ashley8918 said:

lolo883 said:

@huskypuppy14 our parents didn't pay for college, either. And we don't plan on paying for college without strings either... we actually don't intend to even tell them that we're saving for it. We'll encourage jobs and scholarships, but when application time comes if Tidbit says "I wish I could go to (more expensive school) but I can't get scholarships there and I can't afford it" (like I did with Michigan... I went to an expensive private school but got a lot more scholarships there) we'll be able to say "actually... you can."

My mom didn't pay for my college either. Actually, not a single cent. And I have no intention of entirely financing college for my kids, but I have had savings plans for each of them since they were born.

My parents didn't pay for my college either. I have over $20,000 in student loans for a public, in-state university that wasn't covered by scholarships and grants in my 4 years there. My mom did pay for our wedding because she had more income at that time.

I'd like to save for our hypothetical children's college and wedding. However, it will mainly be dependent on our finances at the time

ChemFanatic25

emmaaa said:

ashley8918 said:

lolo883 said:

@huskypuppy14 our parents didn't pay for college, either. And we don't plan on paying for college without strings either... we actually don't intend to even tell them that we're saving for it. We'll encourage jobs and scholarships, but when application time comes if Tidbit says "I wish I could go to (more expensive school) but I can't get scholarships there and I can't afford it" (like I did with Michigan... I went to an expensive private school but got a lot more scholarships there) we'll be able to say "actually... you can."

My mom didn't pay for my college either. Actually, not a single cent. And I have no intention of entirely financing college for my kids, but I have had savings plans for each of them since they were born.

My parents didn't pay for my college either. I have over $20,000 in student loans for a public, in-state university that wasn't covered by scholarships and grants in my 4 years there. My mom did pay for our wedding because she had more income at that time.

I'd like to save for our hypothetical children's college and wedding. However, it will mainly be dependent on our finances at the time

**I have no idea what happened to the boxes or font so I apologize.**

My parents didn't pay for any part of my college. My father graciously offered to pull out a parent plus loan in his name which I immediately started paying on when I graduated. I did not expect him to pay the loan even though it was in his name and I was not about to demand something like that. I did not like the idea of someone taking care of me and my not immediately giving back when I had the capabilities to do so. Unfortunately he passed away about a year and a half after I graduated. The loan was forgiven. This was possibly the best gift he could have ever given me though I'd rather be paying so much more than I was paying when he was alive if it meant bringing him back.

 

Anyway, this kind of taught me how to appreciate the worth of a college education, money, etc. (Everyone has their ways of learning - this was mine). Because of this, I strongly believe in working to take care of yourself. Being independent and not depending on others to take care of your needs. When I was engaged to my ex we had plans to pay for the wedding completely on our own dime and I prefer it this way.

 

If I do get married I believe I will still have this mentality. So if I ever had children (which I don't plan on) I will not contribute to their wedding. I do like the idea of saving up money and never telling them and when they graduate from college or chose some kind of career (even if it doesn't involve higher learning) I'd like to be able to present them with a lump sum and say "do whatever you want with it."

Maggie0829

My parents basically paid for the majority of me and my sisters college careers.  My sister went away to a private college (so housing and food and such were factors) and had student loans. When she graduated my parents paid her student loans for a long time until my sister basically 'forced' them to allow her to pay the rest.  For me I went to a community college for 2 years and then I commuted to a local public university for 2.5 years.  For those 2.5 years my parents and I had an agreement that I would pay for one semester and then they would pay for the next semester and so on until I was done.

My parents paid for both of our weddings as well.  They were about 5 years apart which was helpful.  My wedding was more then my sisters but we also wanted different types of weddings and they were held 5 years apart in different cities so the cost of things were completely different.  I don't think my parents saved specifically for our weddings, they just looked at their finances at the time and said we can spend up to $X.

If I were to have any children I would want to help them out as much as possible.  That is what my parents did.  I was appreciative of it all and even though I really had no bills and didn't have to really pay a shit ton for anything I still learned the value of money and the importance of saving.

pinkcow13

My parents helped pay for college, but I also had to take out student loans. I also had some money in small scholarships and grants. What I do with our (maybe) kid would entirely depend on our financial situation. I would like to think that we would be making enough money to comfortably own a nice big apartment in the city, and still have money left over to go on nice vacations, buy nice clothes (and shoes!), and save for hypothetical kids. If that's the case, we would save for the kid's education, but encourage them to apply themselves and earn scholarships.Ideally we would have enough money to pay for both. 

Realistically: Would we contribute?   Yes, probably. 

How much?   Depends on our financial situation, but it would start at 10K.

Would we do traditional "bride's parents" or "groom's parents" things?    No. 

Will we attach strings? Proper hosting and no cash bars would be the only strings. And maybe that they invite like 10 of our friends.

blabla89

My parents didn't pay for college for me, but they did occasionally lend me money (which I did pay back) when I was in a bind between paychecks or financial aid disbursements. I would like to be able to do this for my kids, if nothing else. Personally, I hope to save to pay for at least one semester or year per child, but FI doesn't want to. My mom also took out my largest student loan in her name, which was forgiven when she passed away (I kind of think she planned it that way, knowing her cancer was terminal). I would definitely not take out a student loan for my kids in my name.

If we have money to gift each of our kids a lump sum for some major life event or purchase, we will. I have no idea how much it will be. It's really important to FI to keep things equal, because his parents paid everything for his sister and nothing for him or his brothers.

ETF spelling

flantastic

With each of us (I'm the oldest of 4, my youngest sibling is about to graduate high school), my parents were basically "This is how much we can afford to pay towards this." All of our college decisions definitely factored in the amount of financial aid we got, which was usually pretty decent. We also all did our best to help with it - lots of scholarship applications and such.

I ended up with a full ride to Vanderbilt and no merit scholarships to Notre Dame, since they don't give them. I was prepared to go to Vandy. But since the financial aid was good enough, my dad said "If ND is really where you want to be (it obviously was), we can make that happen." So we did. I took out a few loans when necessary to cover the differences when my brother started college, but they're not overwhelming. It's interesting to think about now, because there's no way I would have ended up in this career if I went the other way - they don't have the program of study I ended up doing. I'd like to think that we could save up enough to allow some sway like that in our kids' decisions.

My dad did the same thing with the wedding: "We'll give you X dollar amount."

plainjane0415

My parents paid for all of my college education.  For that I am eternally grateful.  I went to a community college for 2 years which was primarily paid for with scholarships, and then went on to a local university for the last 2.5 years.  I am so thankful that I do not have student loan debt thanks to my parents. I disagree with some that feel that if your parents pay for your education then you don't know how to handle money or finances.  It was quite the opposite with me because I learned from their example in that I want to be able to do that for my kids when I have them someday.  My parents spending habits are drastically different than they were compared to when I was growing up to now.  Growing up I think my dad saved every penny he could to put it in savings/retirement/college savings.  Now they are at retirement age, and not to sound uppity or anything, but they really don't watch their money any more. Watching their journey financially has really set an example for me.

I want to do the same for my children when it comes to their education, and it's not that I'm handing something over to them, it's just a financial responsibility that I feel is important and might be important to them some day.  If they choose to not go to college, that's fine, I will just give them the money in a lump sum to do with it what they choose.

 

Bubblegum5586

huskypuppy14 said:

I find this interesting, because it seems many of you had your parents pay for college, but not necessarily your wedding. And most of you say you would pay for college, but not necessarily your kid's wedding. I wonder if this is due to the age of your parents. 

My parents were in their late 30s when I went to college (I'm the oldest of 3). So they didn't have a lot of money to spare. I'm lucky in that I got a lot of scholarships, financial aid, and student loans. My parents really only had to pay for room and board. Maybe about 5K a year more or less (15 years ago- I went to a 30K a year private college). I wouldn't just give my kid 100K or whatever college will cost in 20 years or so. They have to get good grades, and try to get scholarships, just like I had to.

If I had gotten married right after college, there is no way I would have had the fancy 35K wedding I had last year. 

So my parents have more money than they had 10-15 years ago (as do I of course!!), and were able to pay for the majority of my sisters' and my weddings.The three of us all got/are getting married within 3 years (last one is this summer). So basically, my parents paid more for my wedding than all four years of my college.

Would we contribute?   Probably, it depends on our financial situation. I'm 32 and my husband is 36. If our future kid is married when they are 30, we'll be in our 60s at least. I guess it will depend on our retirement savings.

How much?   Who knows.

Would we do traditional "bride's parents" or "groom's parents" things?    No.

Will we attach strings? Only in regards to the "Don't be an asshole to your guests" rule.

I'm in a similar boat here. My parents didn't pay for a lot of things, not because they didn't want to, but because they couldn't. I got a job at 14 and bought my first car, paid for my own education (well still paying!) so when my parents offered money for the wedding I was shocked! Grateful of course but shocked! It seemed so weird to me that a wedding trumped a car or education, but either way I had an amazing wedding and I am so grateful to my parents for helping with that.

I would love to help our kids with their wedding but I have no idea how that will go until we are there. I am currently trying to figure out if we can even afford to have kids never mindspending thousands on a wedding!

southernbelle0915

My parents paid for college - like all of it, tuition, books, room and board/rent, food, supplies, etc. Both my sister and I went to a private school, so I know it wasn't cheap. They gave us both credit cards and paid the bills to help us build credit. Obviously we weren't allowed to just charge any old thing on it. If they saw charges that weren't for groceries or books, we had to pay them back. 

Their parents couldn't afford to give them a dime toward anything, so they wanted to pay for our educations without us worrying at all about money.

I will probably not do what they did. Mainly because I think in some ways I took it for granted and didn't appreciate the experience as much since it was just dropped into my lap. Plus, worrying about money is a real life problem, so shielding that from an adult doesn't help them prepare for adult life, IMO.

DH and I want to pay for their education so they can focus on school, but we also want them to learn budgeting and responsibility. And we want them to feel ownership of their education - that this investment and being a "poor college kid" now will pay off later. We'll see how we end up balancing that. And who knows how the cost of education may change over the next 20 years.

Maggie0829

plainjane0415 said:

My parents paid for all of my college education.  For that I am eternally grateful.  I went to a community college for 2 years which was primarily paid for with scholarships, and then went on to a local university for the last 2.5 years.  I am so thankful that I do not have student loan debt thanks to my parents. I disagree with some that feel that if your parents pay for your education then you don't know how to handle money or finances.  It was quite the opposite with me because I learned from their example in that I want to be able to do that for my kids when I have them someday.  My parents spending habits are drastically different than they were compared to when I was growing up to now.  Growing up I think my dad saved every penny he could to put it in savings/retirement/college savings.  Now they are at retirement age, and not to sound uppity or anything, but they really don't watch their money any more. Watching their journey financially has really set an example for me.

I want to do the same for my children when it comes to their education, and it's not that I'm handing something over to them, it's just a financial responsibility that I feel is important and might be important to them some day.  If they choose to not go to college, that's fine, I will just give them the money in a lump sum to do with it what they choose.

 

Love all of this.

And the bolded is pretty much my parents.  I hope that when I am their age I can have the same lifestyle they have.  I mean their lifestyle isn't super lavish, but they also don't have to constantly worry that they have enough money to live the rest of their lives on.  They go out when they want.  They play golf all of the time.  They buy what they want/need without too much consideration.  They are just very comfortable and very happy.

doeydo

@huskypuppy14 I was very fortunate in that my grandparents made an RESP for each of us "grandkids" and I don't have to worry about money for my post-secondary education.  To me, that is much more important and worth while over a one day party.

Jells2dot0

plainjane0415 said:

My parents paid for all of my college education.  For that I am eternally grateful.  I went to a community college for 2 years which was primarily paid for with scholarships, and then went on to a local university for the last 2.5 years.  I am so thankful that I do not have student loan debt thanks to my parents. I disagree with some that feel that if your parents pay for your education then you don't know how to handle money or finances.  It was quite the opposite with me because I learned from their example in that I want to be able to do that for my kids when I have them someday.  My parents spending habits are drastically different than they were compared to when I was growing up to now.  Growing up I think my dad saved every penny he could to put it in savings/retirement/college savings.  Now they are at retirement age, and not to sound uppity or anything, but they really don't watch their money any more. Watching their journey financially has really set an example for me.

I want to do the same for my children when it comes to their education, and it's not that I'm handing something over to them, it's just a financial responsibility that I feel is important and might be important to them some day.  If they choose to not go to college, that's fine, I will just give them the money in a lump sum to do with it what they choose.

 

I totally agree with the bolded. Both my brother and I had our college educations completely paid for. Both of us have never been in debt other than the normal types of debt, like a car payment or a mortgage. My parents are both fiscally conservative, except for when it comes to cars. So, I did pick up on that little habit. LOL While my dad does make a significant amount more than my mom, and perhaps spoiled us to a degree where it almost enabled, both my brother and I came out on the other side as responsible adults.

DH had all of his education paid for as well, though most of it was scholarship. He is also excellent with money. He paid for both his daughter's educations (split with their mother per their agreement) and they both seem to be doing well with finances so far. His oldest had issues at first, but their mother is a total financial mess. The girls saw that behavior and then saw the "crash and burn" that followed, so they cleaned up their act.

amelisha

southernbelle0915 said:

My parents paid for college - like all of it, tuition, books, room and board/rent, food, supplies, etc. Both my sister and I went to a private school, so I know it wasn't cheap. They gave us both credit cards and paid the bills to help us build credit. Obviously we weren't allowed to just charge any old thing on it. If they saw charges that weren't for groceries or books, we had to pay them back. 

Mine did this too and I'd love to do it for hypothetical future children, but only if they're responsible with money and work a few hours a week as well and take summer jobs and all that. I'd rather give kids an education than a wedding (or house payment, which to me makes much more sense than the wedding) but I hope we'd be able to do both.

ChemFanatic25

Jells2dot0 said:

plainjane0415 said:

My parents paid for all of my college education.  For that I am eternally grateful.  I went to a community college for 2 years which was primarily paid for with scholarships, and then went on to a local university for the last 2.5 years.  I am so thankful that I do not have student loan debt thanks to my parents. I disagree with some that feel that if your parents pay for your education then you don't know how to handle money or finances.  It was quite the opposite with me because I learned from their example in that I want to be able to do that for my kids when I have them someday.  My parents spending habits are drastically different than they were compared to when I was growing up to now.  Growing up I think my dad saved every penny he could to put it in savings/retirement/college savings.  Now they are at retirement age, and not to sound uppity or anything, but they really don't watch their money any more. Watching their journey financially has really set an example for me.

I want to do the same for my children when it comes to their education, and it's not that I'm handing something over to them, it's just a financial responsibility that I feel is important and might be important to them some day.  If they choose to not go to college, that's fine, I will just give them the money in a lump sum to do with it what they choose.

 

I totally agree with the bolded. Both my brother and I had our college educations completely paid for. Both of us have never been in debt other than the normal types of debt, like a car payment or a mortgage. My parents are both fiscally conservative, except for when it comes to cars. So, I did pick up on that little habit. LOL While my dad does make a significant amount more than my mom, and perhaps spoiled us to a degree where it almost enabled, both my brother and I came out on the other side as responsible adults.

DH had all of his education paid for as well, though most of it was scholarship. He is also excellent with money. He paid for both his daughter's educations (split with their mother per their agreement) and they both seem to be doing well with finances so far. His oldest had issues at first, but their mother is a total financial mess. The girls saw that behavior and then saw the "crash and burn" that followed, so they cleaned up their act.

My friend who recently had a baby is an amazing down to earth person. She had a ton of scholarships at the school that we both went to. She graduated with some loans but not too large to handle. Her parents surprised her by paying off the remainder of her loans upon graduation even though the original agreement was they give her a certain amount and she had to find the funds for the rest. They then paid for her entire wedding that same summer. She has a great head on her shoulders when it comes to money (sometimes frivolous but who isn't? I know I can be at times and I came from a completely different situation) and this will really help with having a child now. I believe it is all dependent on how you're raised and who your role models are but there are so many other factors as well. Everyone learns differently.

 

I hope to be in the same boat as one of the PP's grandparents when I am old enough. I'd like to kick back and relax and not have to worry about money by the time I die. It's sounds a whole lot less stressful.

plainjane0415

southernbelle0915 said:

My parents paid for college - like all of it, tuition, books, room and board/rent, food, supplies, etc. Both my sister and I went to a private school, so I know it wasn't cheap. They gave us both credit cards and paid the bills to help us build credit. Obviously we weren't allowed to just charge any old thing on it. If they saw charges that weren't for groceries or books, we had to pay them back. 

Their parents couldn't afford to give them a dime toward anything, so they wanted to pay for our educations without us worrying at all about money.

I will probably not do what they did. Mainly because I think in some ways I took it for granted and didn't appreciate the experience as much since it was just dropped into my lap. Plus, worrying about money is a real life problem, so shielding that from an adult doesn't help them prepare for adult life, IMO.

DH and I want to pay for their education so they can focus on school, but we also want them to learn budgeting and responsibility. And we want them to feel ownership of their education - that this investment and being a "poor college kid" now will pay off later. We'll see how we end up balancing that. And who knows how the cost of education may change over the next 20 years.

I agree that the bolded is very important.  While my parents paid for my education, which included books, and housing, they didn't pay for anything else while I was there.  So groceries, going out to eat? That was all me.  Extra curriculars, like being in a sorority, clubs, etc?  All me.  Clothes, etc... me... That in and of itself helped me to learn the very fundamental basics of a budget.  I had to learn to choose groceries and food over that new dress or handbag that everyone at school was carrying, because, well... I had to eat. 

When I made the transition to being fully independent after college, it was pretty smooth.  However, I can also remember calling my mom after paying my first month's rent and utilities and saying, "I'm just as poor now as I was in college!" And she just basically said, yep, that's how it goes!