At what point (if ever) do you try to change/ improve your personality?

jenna8984

Not sure how to word this exactly. DH often gets annoyed and calls me negative. We don't have a fight or anything, he will just say "Ugh why do you have to be so negative about everything?!" and then walk away and we let it go. Recently we went to dinner with friends and they told us it would be 30 minute wait for the dining room or seat ourselves in the bar, so we sat in the bar. The waitress was the only one in there and taking forever to get to us so I said something like "geez we would have been served faster just waiting for the dining room". And he kind of called me out like "Dude, calm down- we're having a good time with our friends, who cares how long it takes?"

Then we moved into our apartment last week and I would mention things as I saw them like "Oh the closet is missing a rod, that sucks. Oh the shower doesn't get very hot, that sucks. Oh these kitchen drawers are hard to pull out." And he kind of freaked out and told me to stop bitching and complaining. I'm like sorry, I thought I was just making observations?

This morning he said he's going to drive to our old house (sale closes tomorrow) and make sure there is no mail. Well it's a half hour away and we've changed our addresses with the USPS a week ago. So I said "Why would there be? That seems pointless" and he got huffy and said "So is having a conversation with you sometimes" and left the house. Like- what?! You know how I feel about wasting gas, wasting time, wasting money so why would you expect me to say "sure- great idea!"?

I dunno it's just getting to me lately. Is there a point where he's supposed to realize that's who I am and have been and he married me he needs to deal with it? Or am I supposed to try and change who I am to not say things like that?

allispain

I think it depends on the negativity front. I occasionally tell DH that he needs to stop being so negative - but it's not about little things, it's when he gets so in-his-head about something that's frustrating him that it takes over everything. The occasional complaint is fine (and normal, IMO), but when it's a constant stream of negativity, that's a problem. Is there any chance that you're being more negative than you think?

theartistformerlyknownas

If it's something I notice and recognize about myself (even if after being brought to my attention by someone else) I'd try to start working on it right away. Why wouldn't I want to be the best version of myself? The status quo is no excuse for maintaining shitty traits.

blabla89

jenna8984 said:

Not sure how to word this exactly. DH often gets annoyed and calls me negative. We don't have a fight or anything, he will just say "Ugh why do you have to be so negative about everything?!" and then walk away and we let it go. Recently we went to dinner with friends and they told us it would be 30 minute wait for the dining room or seat ourselves in the bar, so we sat in the bar. The waitress was the only one in there and taking forever to get to us so I said something like "geez we would have been served faster just waiting for the dining room". And he kind of called me out like "Dude, calm down- we're having a good time with our friends, who cares how long it takes?"

Then we moved into our apartment last week and I would mention things as I saw them like "Oh the closet is missing a rod, that sucks. Oh the shower doesn't get very hot, that sucks. Oh these kitchen drawers are hard to pull out." And he kind of freaked out and told me to stop bitching and complaining. I'm like sorry, I thought I was just making observations?

This morning he said he's going to drive to our old house (sale closes tomorrow) and make sure there is no mail. Well it's a half hour away and we've changed our addresses with the USPS a week ago. So I said "Why would there be? That seems pointless" and he got huffy and said "So is having a conversation with you sometimes" and left the house. Like- what?! You know how I feel about wasting gas, wasting time, wasting money so why would you expect me to say "sure- great idea!"?

I dunno it's just getting to me lately. Is there a point where he's supposed to realize that's who I am and have been and he married me he needs to deal with it? Or am I supposed to try and change who I am to not say things like that?

To the bolded: Actually that is a good idea, because the postal service doesn't always get it right. And picking apart things like that and being sarcastic about them is a behavior, not a personality trait. You do have the choice to ask yourself, is this really worth criticizing?

ashley8918

jenna8984 said:

Not sure how to word this exactly. DH often gets annoyed and calls me negative. We don't have a fight or anything, he will just say "Ugh why do you have to be so negative about everything?!" and then walk away and we let it go. Recently we went to dinner with friends and they told us it would be 30 minute wait for the dining room or seat ourselves in the bar, so we sat in the bar. The waitress was the only one in there and taking forever to get to us so I said something like "geez we would have been served faster just waiting for the dining room". And he kind of called me out like "Dude, calm down- we're having a good time with our friends, who cares how long it takes?"

Then we moved into our apartment last week and I would mention things as I saw them like "Oh the closet is missing a rod, that sucks. Oh the shower doesn't get very hot, that sucks. Oh these kitchen drawers are hard to pull out." And he kind of freaked out and told me to stop bitching and complaining. I'm like sorry, I thought I was just making observations?

This morning he said he's going to drive to our old house (sale closes tomorrow) and make sure there is no mail. Well it's a half hour away and we've changed our addresses with the USPS a week ago. So I said "Why would there be? That seems pointless" and he got huffy and said "So is having a conversation with you sometimes" and left the house. Like- what?! You know how I feel about wasting gas, wasting time, wasting money so why would you expect me to say "sure- great idea!"?

I dunno it's just getting to me lately. Is there a point where he's supposed to realize that's who I am and have been and he married me he needs to deal with it? Or am I supposed to try and change who I am to not say things like that?

Ooh, ouch! Regardless of whether or not you are too negative or whatever, this is pretty harsh.

But yeah, I am with Lolo. If you and your H both notice this unfavorable trait about yourself, why not try to work on it? Is a negative Nancy something you want to be perceived as? I'd guess not. I don't think you have to "change yourself" per se, but would it hurt to be more aware of your tendency to be negative about things, and try to curb it?

I have a similar personality flaw, where I have a tendency to overreact/over worry about things. While a lot of that is tied to my anxiety, and has been improved by medication, it is not completely gone because it is just part of my personality. I don't want to be an overreacter, so I am constantly reminding myself to chill.

[Deleted User]

lolo883 said:

If it's something I notice and recognize about myself (even if after being brought to my attention by someone else) I'd try to start working on it right away. Why wouldn't I want to be the best version of myself? The status quo is no excuse for maintaining shitty traits.

I was thinking the same thing.  I'm sure most people are guilty of being negative at times (myself included), but if I were in your shoes, I think this is something I would try to be more conscious about, and try to look at a different point of view before going to that more negative place.

Example - Instead of bringing up the missing things in the apartment, ask H if you guys can go look for a new rod for the closet, or grease the kitchen drawer slides or talk to the landlord about checking the water temp thingy for the shower.

sarahufl

RE: the mail. We just bought a house. The previous owners filed a change of address THREE TIMES with the USPS and we still get their mail. And not just catalogs- stuff from the IRS, information about their car titles, etc. It isn't stupid to go check.

Also, figure out what works best for your relationship. If you can modify your behavior slightly and make everyone happier, why not? I know I would want that.

PamBeesly524

Agree with PPs... I know that I can be negative sometimes about normal stuff, but I used to be worse. It wasn't until a trip to NYC to stay with a friend that I realized how bad I was. Apparently throughout the trip I said negative things similar to your stories above. My friend ended up freaking out, saying that she worked really hard to put this trip together for us and all my friend and I were doing was being negative ("it's SO hot out", "my feet hurt from walking" etc). If we only had one or two complaints, it wouldn't have been noticeable but because we were feeding off of each other, it got too much and my friend was really upset.

Long story short, after this trip I tried harder to be more positive, even if it's just a small thing like a comment or a facial expression. Sometimes just rewording something before it comes out of your mouth will make a huge difference. This also might be something worth talking to your H about rather than you both stewing over it.

jenna8984

Thanks everyone, great points. I always thought you were just supposed to take someone as they are, but I shall work to improve personal quality!!!

larrygaga

I think you should only change your personality for yourself. If you are happy with yourself than I suppose you might just grate with your husband on the negativity issue. If you also don't like how you can be negative, try and chew your words before you speak. Ask yourself "Will this statement be helpful to say to anyone or is it just venting my frustration?" 

If it's the former, you maybe need to work out with your husband that it's just your way of speaking your thoughts. You could try and rephrase what you say to be more positive. If it's causing him to walk away from you because he's so frustrated, I would say there are deeper issues at work. Perhaps on both sides! The best thing you two can do for your marriage is learn how to fight. You need to learn how to get your point across and come up with a solution, rather than getting pissed and storming away from each other. Every solution requires a compromise on either or both sides. Sometimes there are no solutions.

If it's the latter, try and find a different way to release the frustration. It's very difficult to think about what you say before you say it. If you never practiced it before, than you won't get it on your first try. Don't get discouraged. 

Changing how you communicate in anyway is one of the hardest things you could try to do. It sounds easy in theory, but you have to constantly be in the mindset that you want to change how you react to things.

classicalandedgy

lolo883 said:

If it's something I notice and recognize about myself (even if after being brought to my attention by someone else) I'd try to start working on it right away. Why wouldn't I want to be the best version of myself? The status quo is no excuse for maintaining shitty traits.

Exactly this...  We are all capable of change and growth if we work on it, the notion of "this is just who I am deal with it", does not lend to growth or change. 

jenna8984

larrygaga said:

 

If it's the latter, try and find a different way to release the frustration. It's very difficult to think about what you say before you say it. If you never practiced it before, than you won't get it on your first try. Don't get discouraged. 

Changing how you communicate in anyway is one of the hardest things you could try to do. It sounds easy in theory, but you have to constantly be in the mindset that you want to change how you react to things.

Exactly....for example when he wants to go to Walmart just because he's bored- I will never stop thinking that is a waste of time and money. But I guess I can not say it out loud. lol

redheadbride15

I think we all have certain character traits - both positive and negative - that are innate and we don't have a lot of control over. However, we DO have control over our behaviors, and we can train ourselves to react differently to given situations.

Personally, I'm prone to getting anxious easily and that can make me irritable and probably unpleasant to be around, and when it gets really bad I can be downright angry and aggressive. But over the years I've learned how to recognize the early warning signs before I'm about to be unpleasant and I work hard to compensate by talking myself down or distract myself with something I find enjoyable and/or relaxing.

When FI is upset he has a tendency to withdraw, which drives me crazy. And he hates it when I get irritable. We've talked a lot about this, and acknowledging these tendencies has been really helpful. We both call each other out when we're "behaving badly" and spend a few minutes discussing what is REALLY bothering us, and usually that's all that's necessary to reverse the negative behavior.

[Deleted User]

jenna8984 said:

larrygaga said:

 

If it's the latter, try and find a different way to release the frustration. It's very difficult to think about what you say before you say it. If you never practiced it before, than you won't get it on your first try. Don't get discouraged. 

Changing how you communicate in anyway is one of the hardest things you could try to do. It sounds easy in theory, but you have to constantly be in the mindset that you want to change how you react to things.

Exactly....for example when he wants to go to Walmart just because he's bored- I will never stop thinking that is a waste of time and money. But I guess I can not say it out loud. lol

Maybe suggest something you can do together that would be free?  

Trust me, there are days my FI is the same way (wants to go buy things we don't need, or do things that I think are a waste of time).  I try to make a compromise or turn it into something beneficial (like let's go do X together, but we'll just browse, or since he'll be out and about, send him on errands you do need to complete).

ashley8918

jenna8984 said:

 

If it's the latter, try and find a different way to release the frustration. It's very difficult to think about what you say before you say it. If you never practiced it before, than you won't get it on your first try. Don't get discouraged. 

Changing how you communicate in anyway is one of the hardest things you could try to do. It sounds easy in theory, but you have to constantly be in the mindset that you want to change how you react to things.

Exactly....for example when he wants to go to Walmart just because he's bored- I will never stop thinking that is a waste of time and money. But I guess I can not say it out loud. lol

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I think it's less about "can" and more about "should". Should you say that? No, probably not. It's unnecessary. What would you stand to gain by saying it? Probably nothing but a fight and his (justified) annoyance. 

What does it matter how he chooses to deal with boredom? Is his going to Walmart causing any major trouble for you? No? Then who cares?

novella1186

I try to improve myself, especially if someone I care about points out a flaw. 

I'm super impatient and too quick to get mad sometimes. A couple years ago, I went to pick FI up at his office. It was the end of a long day, I was tired, I wanted to get home, and he knew I was on my way. He didn't come out for more than 10 minutes, so I was just sitting in my car getting more and more pissed off that I had to wait for him. 

By the time he came out, I was fuming and snapped at him for making me sit there. Turns out, his boss had stopped him on his way out to discuss a project, so it wasn't even FI's fault but this did not calm me down. We argued almost the whole way home. 

FI finally called me out on over-reacting and getting pissed off over nothing. It made me stop and think. Why was I in such a hurry? All we were doing was going home, no big deal. Why did it matter if I had to sit in the car for a few minutes? Did I really want to sit there being fuming mad and making FI feel like shit for something that wasn't his fault? No. No no no no no. This was stupid of me, and I needed to work on it. (I didn't think of it as him bashing my personality, I thought of it as him making me take notice of a bad habit that I have the ability to change) 

I'm really grateful that he called me out and made me realize that I was behaving in a ridiculous way. I don't want to go through life acting like my dad, getting raged-out and being an asshole over the tiniest things. 

So now when I have to sit and wait, I play on my phone or rock out to a good song, which leaves me in a far better mood, which leaves FI in a far better mood. It really has made a huge difference. 

Life is too short to be pissed off all the time. 

ashley8918

Andplusalso, constant complainting is a behavior, not a personality trait. Behaviors are much more easily changed.

TrixieJess

It's funny because I'm the eternal pessimist and the ultimate realist. If you are an idealist, I will pop that balloon out of the sky with your unicorn horn. This has caused a little bit of strife between FI and I who has accused me of being negative.

He did realise after a while that it is a bit of a defense mechanism for me in order to deal with the crazy that is my mother.

Don't change your personality, but learn to read your audience a bit better and tone it down when it seems people aren't as receptive. It takes it bit to learn, but it may make things easier in the long run.

novella1186

ashley8918 said:

Andplusalso, constant complainting is a behavior, not a personality trait. Behaviors are much more easily changed.

This. If you're so stuck in a negative mindset that you're constantly being a Debbie Downer to the people around you, there are ways to change your outlook. 

Whether that means you join a yoga class, learn to meditate, talk to a counselor, pick up a new hobby, smoke some weed, or get in the habit of stopping yourself to think "is this really worth complaining about/is this as bad as it seems/ what are the postive things about this situation" (as a PP suggested, and as I learned to do in order to stop myself from getting pissed off over nothing) 

jenna8984

ashley8918 said:

jenna8984 said:

 

If it's the latter, try and find a different way to release the frustration. It's very difficult to think about what you say before you say it. If you never practiced it before, than you won't get it on your first try. Don't get discouraged. 

Changing how you communicate in anyway is one of the hardest things you could try to do. It sounds easy in theory, but you have to constantly be in the mindset that you want to change how you react to things.

Exactly....for example when he wants to go to Walmart just because he's bored- I will never stop thinking that is a waste of time and money. But I guess I can not say it out loud. lol

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I think it's less about "can" and more about "should". Should you say that? No, probably not. It's unnecessary. What would you stand to gain by saying it? Probably nothing but a fight and his (justified) annoyance. 

What does it matter how he chooses to deal with boredom? Is his going to Walmart causing any major trouble for you? No? Then who cares?

@ashley8918 Honestly deep down when I sit and think about why I do it, it's because I want him to change. I want him to hear it so many times that he will wake up and say "eh, I don't need to do that, it's a waste of time/ money". And obviously that is the most hypocritical thing to sit here and say why should I change- but you should totally change! So yea, that's not a good color on me. I need to stop being so controlling and thinking my way is the best way.

ashley8918

jenna8984 said:

ashley8918 said:

jenna8984 said:

 

If it's the latter, try and find a different way to release the frustration. It's very difficult to think about what you say before you say it. If you never practiced it before, than you won't get it on your first try. Don't get discouraged. 

Changing how you communicate in anyway is one of the hardest things you could try to do. It sounds easy in theory, but you have to constantly be in the mindset that you want to change how you react to things.

Exactly....for example when he wants to go to Walmart just because he's bored- I will never stop thinking that is a waste of time and money. But I guess I can not say it out loud. lol

---------------------boxboxboxboxfuckingbox--------------------

I think it's less about "can" and more about "should". Should you say that? No, probably not. It's unnecessary. What would you stand to gain by saying it? Probably nothing but a fight and his (justified) annoyance. 

What does it matter how he chooses to deal with boredom? Is his going to Walmart causing any major trouble for you? No? Then who cares?

@ashley8918 Honestly deep down when I sit and think about why I do it, it's because I want him to change. I want him to hear it so many times that he will wake up and say "eh, I don't need to do that, it's a waste of time/ money". And obviously that is the most hypocritical thing to sit here and say why should I change- but you should totally change! So yea, that's not a good color on me. I need to stop being so controlling and thinking my way is the best way.

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I guess I just don't understand WHY you want him to change this particular thing so badly? This seems so harmless. Such a non-issue. It's not like he like, bangs randos or shoots up heroin when he's bored. He goes to Walmart. And I assume he's not blowing thousands on useless shit every time. I really don't understand the problem.

And as far as "wasting time", his time is not yours to control and I would for sure back off with this. Besides, if he is that bored and has nothing more important to do, how is he wasting time? What should he be doing instead?

larrygaga

What's so bad about wasting time? Are you guys in a rush to do something specific? Just slow down and enjoy life. You spend a lot of time on the knot, I'm sure he doesn't particularly think it's a really good way to spend your time. Does he say anything to you about it?

Wasting money, on the other hand, is different. When he goes to walmart, what's he buying? Is it just the gas to get there and look around? A candy bar? A new TV? Does it really truly affect your finances?

What things do you buy that he would maybe consider a waste? For me, my FI thinks my makeup purchases are wasteful, but in reality it's about 10-20 bucks a month. We have a good enough budget where that little bit doesn't matter.

Don't micromanage him. Don't lecture him. He is an equal to you and I know you wouldn't like it if he nitpicked your weird little quirks. Controlling spouses are almost never appreciated. 

ashley8918

larrygaga said:

What's so bad about wasting time? Are you guys in a rush to do something specific? Just slow down and enjoy life. You spend a lot of time on the knot, I'm sure he doesn't particularly think it's a really good way to spend your time. Does he say anything to you about it?

Wasting money, on the other hand, is different. When he goes to walmart, what's he buying? Is it just the gas to get there and look around? A candy bar? A new TV? Does it really truly affect your finances?

What things do you buy that he would maybe consider a waste? For me, my FI thinks my makeup purchases are wasteful, but in reality it's about 10-20 bucks a month. We have a good enough budget where that little bit doesn't matter.

Don't micromanage him. Don't lecture him. He is an equal to you and I know you wouldn't like it if he nitpicked your weird little quirks. Controlling spouses are almost never appreciated. 

Yes, this. 

Like, I fucking HATE when my H smokes weed. But I recognize that this is because I personally don't like the feeling of it, and don't understand, so it is a waste of money *TO ME*. I refrain from bitching about it because that would be controlling and shitty, and it has exactly zero effect on me really.

novella1186

ashley8918 said:

larrygaga said:

What's so bad about wasting time? Are you guys in a rush to do something specific? Just slow down and enjoy life. You spend a lot of time on the knot, I'm sure he doesn't particularly think it's a really good way to spend your time. Does he say anything to you about it?

Wasting money, on the other hand, is different. When he goes to walmart, what's he buying? Is it just the gas to get there and look around? A candy bar? A new TV? Does it really truly affect your finances?

What things do you buy that he would maybe consider a waste? For me, my FI thinks my makeup purchases are wasteful, but in reality it's about 10-20 bucks a month. We have a good enough budget where that little bit doesn't matter.

Don't micromanage him. Don't lecture him. He is an equal to you and I know you wouldn't like it if he nitpicked your weird little quirks. Controlling spouses are almost never appreciated. 

Yes, this. 

Like, I fucking HATE when my H smokes weed. But I recognize that this is because I personally don't like the feeling of it, and don't understand, so it is a waste of money *TO ME*. I refrain from bitching about it because that would be controlling and shitty, and it has exactly zero effect on me really.

You mean he smokes because he's a drug lord, right?  

ashley8918

novella1186 said:

ashley8918 said:

larrygaga said:

What's so bad about wasting time? Are you guys in a rush to do something specific? Just slow down and enjoy life. You spend a lot of time on the knot, I'm sure he doesn't particularly think it's a really good way to spend your time. Does he say anything to you about it?

Wasting money, on the other hand, is different. When he goes to walmart, what's he buying? Is it just the gas to get there and look around? A candy bar? A new TV? Does it really truly affect your finances?

What things do you buy that he would maybe consider a waste? For me, my FI thinks my makeup purchases are wasteful, but in reality it's about 10-20 bucks a month. We have a good enough budget where that little bit doesn't matter.

Don't micromanage him. Don't lecture him. He is an equal to you and I know you wouldn't like it if he nitpicked your weird little quirks. Controlling spouses are almost never appreciated. 

Yes, this. 

Like, I fucking HATE when my H smokes weed. But I recognize that this is because I personally don't like the feeling of it, and don't understand, so it is a waste of money *TO ME*. I refrain from bitching about it because that would be controlling and shitty, and it has exactly zero effect on me really.

You mean he smokes because he's a drug lord, right?  

Absolutely. See? My husband is a drug lord, and I still manage to be positive.

jenna8984

 

ashley8918 said:

jenna8984 said:

ashley8918 said:

jenna8984 said:

 

If it's the latter, try and find a different way to release the frustration. It's very difficult to think about what you say before you say it. If you never practiced it before, than you won't get it on your first try. Don't get discouraged. 

Changing how you communicate in anyway is one of the hardest things you could try to do. It sounds easy in theory, but you have to constantly be in the mindset that you want to change how you react to things.

Exactly....for example when he wants to go to Walmart just because he's bored- I will never stop thinking that is a waste of time and money. But I guess I can not say it out loud. lol

---------------------boxboxboxboxfuckingbox--------------------

I think it's less about "can" and more about "should". Should you say that? No, probably not. It's unnecessary. What would you stand to gain by saying it? Probably nothing but a fight and his (justified) annoyance. 

What does it matter how he chooses to deal with boredom? Is his going to Walmart causing any major trouble for you? No? Then who cares?

@ashley8918 Honestly deep down when I sit and think about why I do it, it's because I want him to change. I want him to hear it so many times that he will wake up and say "eh, I don't need to do that, it's a waste of time/ money". And obviously that is the most hypocritical thing to sit here and say why should I change- but you should totally change! So yea, that's not a good color on me. I need to stop being so controlling and thinking my way is the best way.

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I guess I just don't understand WHY you want him to change this particular thing so badly? This seems so harmless. Such a non-issue. It's not like he like, bangs randos or shoots up heroin when he's bored. He goes to Walmart. And I assume he's not blowing thousands on useless shit every time. I really don't understand the problem.

And as far as "wasting time", his time is not yours to control and I would for sure back off with this. Besides, if he is that bored and has nothing more important to do, how is he wasting time? What should he be doing instead?

BOX

I don't know....I really don't. I've been sitting here for 15 minutes trying to figure out what to type and I don't have a reason for WHY exactly this bothers me.

 

jenna8984

larrygaga said:

What's so bad about wasting time? Are you guys in a rush to do something specific? Just slow down and enjoy life. You spend a lot of time on the knot, I'm sure he doesn't particularly think it's a really good way to spend your time. Does he say anything to you about it?

 

no because I generally only do it at work I'll pop on for a quick thread or two at night if he's in the shower but usually after dinner is no phones hang out time.

ashley8918

 

ashley8918 said:

jenna8984 said:

ashley8918 said:

jenna8984 said:

 

If it's the latter, try and find a different way to release the frustration. It's very difficult to think about what you say before you say it. If you never practiced it before, than you won't get it on your first try. Don't get discouraged. 

Changing how you communicate in anyway is one of the hardest things you could try to do. It sounds easy in theory, but you have to constantly be in the mindset that you want to change how you react to things.

Exactly....for example when he wants to go to Walmart just because he's bored- I will never stop thinking that is a waste of time and money. But I guess I can not say it out loud. lol

---------------------boxboxboxboxfuckingbox--------------------

I think it's less about "can" and more about "should". Should you say that? No, probably not. It's unnecessary. What would you stand to gain by saying it? Probably nothing but a fight and his (justified) annoyance. 

What does it matter how he chooses to deal with boredom? Is his going to Walmart causing any major trouble for you? No? Then who cares?

@ashley8918 Honestly deep down when I sit and think about why I do it, it's because I want him to change. I want him to hear it so many times that he will wake up and say "eh, I don't need to do that, it's a waste of time/ money". And obviously that is the most hypocritical thing to sit here and say why should I change- but you should totally change! So yea, that's not a good color on me. I need to stop being so controlling and thinking my way is the best way.

---------------------boxboxboxboxfuckingbox--------------------

I guess I just don't understand WHY you want him to change this particular thing so badly? This seems so harmless. Such a non-issue. It's not like he like, bangs randos or shoots up heroin when he's bored. He goes to Walmart. And I assume he's not blowing thousands on useless shit every time. I really don't understand the problem.

And as far as "wasting time", his time is not yours to control and I would for sure back off with this. Besides, if he is that bored and has nothing more important to do, how is he wasting time? What should he be doing instead?

BOX

I don't know....I really don't. I've been sitting here for 15 minutes trying to figure out what to type and I don't have a reason for WHY exactly this bothers me.

 

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Sounds to me like you are ready to let it go, then. No?

tcnoble

I find it's easier to be negative and have a bad attitude with DH because I know he loves me no matter what. It's a horrible excuse and something I've been trying to work on. 

I also find that if I'm feeling down about myself or something personal that I'll project that negative energy on to DH or a situation we are in... when it's completely unrelated and unwarranted negativity. I've been working on telling him WHY I am feeling negative or crabby, instead of just BEING negative and crabby towards him.

That's not to say you need to change everything about yourself, but a negative attitude is something that CAN be changed, vs. your taste in music or favorite foods (which should be taken for what they are).

jenna8984

Ok what about when you KNOW you are right about something. Do you argue it to the death or just shake it off? I tend to argue it to the death and that annoys him as well but I'm like why should I give in and say that maybe you're right when I know for a fact you are not. Is this too controlling as well?

(not something like the mail situation because I wouldn't know for a fact that there's no mail there. But like directions- if I've traveled that road a hundred times and I know for a fact that x road is faster...)

climbingsingle

jenna8984 said:

Ok what about when you KNOW you are right about something. Do you argue it to the death or just shake it off? I tend to argue it to the death and that annoys him as well but I'm like why should I give in and say that maybe you're right when I know for a fact you are not. Is this too controlling as well?

(not something like the mail situation because I wouldn't know for a fact that there's no mail there. But like directions- if I've traveled that road a hundred times and I know for a fact that x road is faster...)

Yeah, no. This is a pick your battles type of thing. Do you want to be married or do you want to be right? IMO it's incredibly immature to argue incessantly because you have to be right.