At what point (if ever) do you try to change/ improve your personality?

doeydo

Nope, I don't and wouldn't try to change my personality for my SO.  TBH I think he needs to stop overreacting about things you say and freaking out on you and storming out.  You have every right to say and feel things.  A woman's job is not to just sit there and look pretty and nod with a smile to everything her husband says.

ashley8918

jenna8984 said:

Ok what about when you KNOW you are right about something. Do you argue it to the death or just shake it off? I tend to argue it to the death and that annoys him as well but I'm like why should I give in and say that maybe you're right when I know for a fact you are not. Is this too controlling as well?

(not something like the mail situation because I wouldn't know for a fact that there's no mail there. But like directions- if I've traveled that road a hundred times and I know for a fact that x road is faster...)

Girl, y'all got some communication issues. 

NOTHING is worth fighting that hard over, IMO. Okay, unless it like, directly related to my kids lives or something.

It sounds like you both (and maybe more so you) have a really strong NEED to be right, and that is not healthy for your relationship. Have you guys ever tried counselling (Please don't flip your shit on me I AM NOT DIAGNOSING ANYONE) to help you communicate.

ashley8918

doeydo said:

Nope, I don't and wouldn't try to change my personality for my SO.  TBH I think he needs to stop overreacting about things you say and freaking out on you and storming out.  You have every right to say and feel things.  A woman's job is not to just sit there and look pretty and nod with a smile to everything her husband says.

Girl. That is not at all what this is about.

ETA: Not wanting your wife to be a constant whiner/Debbie Downer is not overreacting. And ain't NOBODY said anything about the bolded. Methinks maybe you are projecting some of your own personal issues.

theartistformerlyknownas

jenna8984 said:

Ok what about when you KNOW you are right about something. Do you argue it to the death or just shake it off? I tend to argue it to the death and that annoys him as well but I'm like why should I give in and say that maybe you're right when I know for a fact you are not. Is this too controlling as well?

(not something like the mail situation because I wouldn't know for a fact that there's no mail there. But like directions- if I've traveled that road a hundred times and I know for a fact that x road is faster...)

There are only so many things you can actually be RIGHT on though, and few of them matter. The right way to balance a check book, sure, precise and it matters. The right song lyrics, you may know for sure but who cares? There's no benefit to being right.

I don't see directions as something where you can be right, unless the road literally doesn't go there. I take different ways than my h all the time. They might not be quicker, but maybe I'm more comfortable with the familiar way, or have gotten caught speeding and avoid that road, or want a more steady flow of traffic versus shorter mileage. It doesn't hurt anyone if it takes me 3 minutes longer to get somewhere, and just makes me feel demoralized when he criticizes/corrects my chosen route.

climbingsingle

doeydo said:

Nope, I don't and wouldn't try to change my personality for my SO.  TBH I think he needs to stop overreacting about things you say and freaking out on you and storming out.  You have every right to say and feel things.  A woman's job is not to just sit there and look pretty and nod with a smile to everything her husband says.

Wha??? Earth to Doey. Where did anyone say that?

ashley8918

It honestly kind of sounds to me like you think your DH is an idiot/you look down on him. I could absolutely be wrong, but everything you have posted about him gives me that vibe.

NowIamMrsKlein

Had a similar thing with FI with him always calling me negative. I actually had to sit down and discuss where I was coming from with him to get him to try and see things from a different perspective. I wasn't necessarily being negative, but realistic about situations that he was always being optimistic about.

Because these situations were usually ones that could greatly impact our lives, I liked to look at them realistically, with the good points and the bad ones. He liked to act like only the good things were going to happen, and viewed me as soley being negative.

It got to the point where it was something that FI thought I needed to work on, and thats when I actually had to sit him down, explain my thought processes and tell him how, by thinking realistically. it helped me not get too upset when the situation ended up going the negative route. And that he would be so optimistic about something that he would be crushed when it went bad.

I think sitting down and having a frank discussion about the certain personality trait that is causing issues, why they causing issues, why you think you do them, and what difference it would make if you changed is a good jumping off point. I told FI that I would try and see things from a more positive light, but that as a realistic person I couldn't stop that without greatly affecting the personality that he fell in love with.

doeydo

Ehh maybe I am projecting or taking things in a way against women which it isn't.  I just, IDK, he knows you and what you are like.  He decided to marry you.  To me, her saying things like "Oh the closet is missing a rod, that sucks" sound normal and should not cause him to flip out and tell her to "stop bitching and complaining".

hellosweetie1015

I mean this in the nicest way possible, but... it kind of seems like you maybe need to value time just a little less, or in a different way.

Just in this short thread, you've mentioned wasting time or complaining about the time it took for something:

jenna8984 said:

 Recently we went to dinner with friends and they told us it would be 30 minute wait for the dining room or seat ourselves in the bar, so we sat in the bar. The waitress was the only one in there and taking forever to get to us so I said something like "geez we would have been served faster just waiting for the dining room". And he kind of called me out like "Dude, calm down- we're having a good time with our friends, who cares how long it takes?"

jenna8984 said:

This morning he said he's going to drive to our old house (sale closes tomorrow) and make sure there is no mail. Well it's a half hour away and we've changed our addresses with the USPS a week ago. So I said "Why would there be? That seems pointless" and he got huffy and said "So is having a conversation with you sometimes" and left the house. Like- what?! You know how I feel about wasting gas, wasting time, wasting money so why would you expect me to say "sure- great idea!"?

jenna8984 said:

Exactly....for example when he wants to go to Walmart just because he's bored- I will never stop thinking that is a waste of time and money. But I guess I can not say it out loud. lol 

jenna8984 said:

(...But like directions- if I've traveled that road a hundred times and I know for a fact that x road is faster...)

...four times. That I saw.

It came up in almost every "substantive" response you have. And yes, time is money and all of that, but... it seems like time is being waaaaaaay overvalued in your head, and it seems to be even in fairly small increments. Like, I can think of three different ways to get to the same Walmart. Their difference in travel time is less than 5 minutes. So... doesn't matter which way I take, because 5 minutes of wasted time isn't that big of a deal.

novella1186

I think arguing to the death over something like which route is "better" is silly, because it's a matter of opinion. You can't be right about opinions, only facts. 

If it's something like, "x road goes north and south, y road goes east and west. We need to go north, so we should take x road" that's far different than, "x road and y road end at the same place, but x road is better because I said so." 

I would not appreciate my partner constantly insisting that their opinion is the only "correct" answer to things. 

larrygaga

climbingwife said:

jenna8984 said:

Ok what about when you KNOW you are right about something. Do you argue it to the death or just shake it off? I tend to argue it to the death and that annoys him as well but I'm like why should I give in and say that maybe you're right when I know for a fact you are not. Is this too controlling as well?

(not something like the mail situation because I wouldn't know for a fact that there's no mail there. But like directions- if I've traveled that road a hundred times and I know for a fact that x road is faster...)

Yeah, no. This is a pick your battles type of thing. Do you want to be married or do you want to be right? IMO it's incredibly immature to argue incessantly because you have to be right. 

sWOOSH

theartistformerlyknownas

doeydo said:

Ehh maybe I am projecting or taking things in a way against women which it isn't.  I just, IDK, he knows you and what you are like.  He decided to marry you.  To me, her saying things like "Oh the closet is missing a rod, that sucks" sound normal and should not cause him to flip out and tell her to "stop bitching and complaining".

In context of all of their conversations though, it could be the straw that broke the camel's back. And likely has been exacerbated by recent major, stressful life changes. Maybe "hey next time you run up to Walmart can you grab a closet rod? There are some other things missing too, I think I'll start a list" would have been better. You can talk about negative things while still being constructive, and it's just generally a healthier, more productive way of living, so even if it is "what you are like" if there's opportunity to improve, I'd take it.

ashley8918

doeydo said:

Ehh maybe I am projecting or taking things in a way against women which it isn't.  I just, IDK, he knows you and what you are like.  He decided to marry you.  To me, her saying things like "Oh the closet is missing a rod, that sucks" sound normal and should not cause him to flip out and tell her to "stop bitching and complaining".

Yes, this comment in itself sounds like NBD. The problem seems to lie in the fact that EVERY FUCKING THING comes out this way. I would not be okay with my H behaving this way either. I am not into being around miserable, negative people.

He decided to marry her because he loves her, but he is under no obligation to love this behavior.

littlepep

lolo883 said:

If it's something I notice and recognize about myself (even if after being brought to my attention by someone else) I'd try to start working on it right away. Why wouldn't I want to be the best version of myself? The status quo is no excuse for maintaining shitty traits.

This is very true. FI is always pushing me to be the best version of myself. I am SO clumsy and he is always telling me to "set myself up for success". AKA don't leave your wine glass on the couch because you will probably spill it. 

I also tend to be VERY sarcastic and FI said it comes across really bitchy sometimes so I've been working on that. 

Improving yourself is a good thing. 

emmaaa

doeydo said:

Ehh maybe I am projecting or taking things in a way against women which it isn't.  I just, IDK, he knows you and what you are like.  He decided to marry you.  To me, her saying things like "Oh the closet is missing a rod, that sucks" sound normal and should not cause him to flip out and tell her to "stop bitching and complaining".

I knew my husband can't seem to put his dirty clothes in the hamper that is literally 5 feet away before I married him. Yet  I still married him and constantly remind him to put his damn socks in the hamper.

My husband knew that i hated doing dishes before we got married. He still married me and he still constantly reminds me to rinse out a bowl before I leave it in the sink and reminds me to do the dishes. 

Being negative and saying negative things is a behavior. Like a PP pointed out, behaviors can be modified over times. 

ashley8918

I just want to share that the first image result when you google "improve personal quality" is this:

jenna8984

ashley8918 said:

It honestly kind of sounds to me like you think your DH is an idiot/you look down on him. I could absolutely be wrong, but everything you have posted about him gives me that vibe.

Not at all. He is often the right/smart one and I am quick to admit oh my bad, you're right. I'm more insecure with myself being the idiot so I try to convince him & others that I'm right and I'm not stupid, that I know what I'm talking about.

I do it with friends too, not just him, I'll tell a friend "oh don't look at that car brand- those get bad mileage and worse resale value". And I've gotten into arguments with friends who tell me to just nod and let them chose what they want and then congratulate them. In my mind I was just trying to be helpful but I've had to learn to step back and that they aren't asking for my advice/opinion.

(no we/ I haven't tried counseling but probably should)

theartistformerlyknownas

Ehh maybe I am projecting or taking things in a way against women which it isn't.  I just, IDK, he knows you and what you are like.  He decided to marry you.  To me, her saying things like "Oh the closet is missing a rod, that sucks" sound normal and should not cause him to flip out and tell her to "stop bitching and complaining".

Yes, this comment in itself sounds like NBD. The problem seems to lie in the fact that EVERY FUCKING THING comes out this way. I would not be okay with my H behaving this way either. I am not into being around miserable, negative people.

He decided to marry her because he loves her, but he is under no obligation to love this behavior.

This is a really important distinction. Love doesn't get you everywhere. The morning radio call-in advice segment this morning had a woman whose BF was basically a giant shitbaby and she had to put up with a bunch of shit from his mother, which HE had enabled and allowed to worsen. But she wanted to suck it up because she loved him, and she thought once they got married it would just stop. The therapist told her flat out "this isn't a Mom problem, this is a BF problem and you need to address it now. Loving someone only gets you to second base; you need a lot of other things to make a marriage work.

He wrote this book, which I think I might get. It's all about how we need to change together to have successful marriages.

http://books.simonandschuster.com/The-6-Husbands-Every-Wife-Should-Have/Dr-Steven-Craig/9781439168028

beachyone15

hellosweetie1015 said:

I mean this in the nicest way possible, but... it kind of seems like you maybe need to value time just a little less, or in a different way.

Just in this short thread, you've mentioned wasting time or complaining about the time it took for something:

jenna8984 said:

 Recently we went to dinner with friends and they told us it would be 30 minute wait for the dining room or seat ourselves in the bar, so we sat in the bar. The waitress was the only one in there and taking forever to get to us so I said something like "geez we would have been served faster just waiting for the dining room". And he kind of called me out like "Dude, calm down- we're having a good time with our friends, who cares how long it takes?"

jenna8984 said:

This morning he said he's going to drive to our old house (sale closes tomorrow) and make sure there is no mail. Well it's a half hour away and we've changed our addresses with the USPS a week ago. So I said "Why would there be? That seems pointless" and he got huffy and said "So is having a conversation with you sometimes" and left the house. Like- what?! You know how I feel about wasting gas, wasting time, wasting money so why would you expect me to say "sure- great idea!"?

jenna8984 said:

Exactly....for example when he wants to go to Walmart just because he's bored- I will never stop thinking that is a waste of time and money. But I guess I can not say it out loud. lol 

jenna8984 said:

(...But like directions- if I've traveled that road a hundred times and I know for a fact that x road is faster...)

...four times. That I saw.

It came up in almost every "substantive" response you have. And yes, time is money and all of that, but... it seems like time is being waaaaaaay overvalued in your head, and it seems to be even in fairly small increments. Like, I can think of three different ways to get to the same Walmart. Their difference in travel time is less than 5 minutes. So... doesn't matter which way I take, because 5 minutes of wasted time isn't that big of a deal.

So maybe it's not necessarily negativity, but impatience?

ashley8918

lolo883 said:

Ehh maybe I am projecting or taking things in a way against women which it isn't.  I just, IDK, he knows you and what you are like.  He decided to marry you.  To me, her saying things like "Oh the closet is missing a rod, that sucks" sound normal and should not cause him to flip out and tell her to "stop bitching and complaining".

Yes, this comment in itself sounds like NBD. The problem seems to lie in the fact that EVERY FUCKING THING comes out this way. I would not be okay with my H behaving this way either. I am not into being around miserable, negative people.

He decided to marry her because he loves her, but he is under no obligation to love this behavior.

This is a really important distinction. Love doesn't get you everywhere. The morning radio call-in advice segment this morning had a woman whose BF was basically a giant shitbaby and she had to put up with a bunch of shit from his mother, which HE had enabled and allowed to worsen. But she wanted to suck it up because she loved him, and she thought once they got married it would just stop. The therapist told her flat out "this isn't a Mom problem, this is a BF problem and you need to address it now. Loving someone only gets you to second base; you need a lot of other things to make a marriage work.

He wrote this book, which I think I might get. It's all about how we need to change together to have successful marriages.

http://books.simonandschuster.com/The-6-Husbands-Every-Wife-Should-Have/Dr-Steven-Craig/9781439168028

---------boxboxboxboxboxbox-----------------

Ooh, this looks really interesting. Adding to my Amazon cart.

P.S. GOD DAMN KNOTTIES, always spending all of my money! Just this morning @maeday2 FORCED me to buy k-cups. FORCED, I tell you!

Kahlyla

To me, negativity is something that has an impact on those around us. If someone is putting negative stuff out there all the time (even if they don't intend it that way), that doesn't occur in a vacuum; it can affect and dampen everyone else's moods. It may even trigger a stress reaction in the other person  - causing them to feel like they have to do or change something? Adding something to their mental to-do list? And our SOs are likely the people we spend the most time around, so they are going to bear the brunt of it.

I've been around some people that I would describe as being "negative a lot of the time", and it can be incredibly frustrating and draining. In my experience, it can also make the more positive people in the environment feel like they're being drowned out - like, negative feelings about something must signal an issue, right? So they are the ones that get to be expressed, and talked about, and dealt with - and the positive person just sits there and feels unheard and like their feelings are irrelevant.

Taking and loving someone as they are is one thing, and it's something we place a lot of value on in our society, but I don't think it's particularly healthy for anyone to just remain exactly the way they were when they were 15/20/25/30/whatever at the expense of any personal growth. Someone having "decided to marry [us]" at some particular time =/= "we should never, ever change or grow or try to do any better", imo.

If my husband thought that I was being very negative generally, I would want to know and I would want to work on it. I've been pretty negative in the past, and I can say looking back on it that I wasn't an especially happy person at that time. In your case, Jenna, you don't sound as though you feel especially unhappy, and that's good, but if that's the case then it might be even easier for you to ask yourself why you tend to express things with a negative slant and work on tweaking it so it doesn't bring him down.

Obviously there are better and worse ways for both parties to communicate these things, and I will say that communication is one area of our relationship that is CONSTANTLY evolving, and we've been together 12 years now. We're still learning about each other in this regard, and because we're open to hearing each other I feel like we're both growing together into better people.

ashley8918

jenna8984 said:

ashley8918 said:

It honestly kind of sounds to me like you think your DH is an idiot/you look down on him. I could absolutely be wrong, but everything you have posted about him gives me that vibe.

Not at all. He is often the right/smart one and I am quick to admit oh my bad, you're right. I'm more insecure with myself being the idiot so I try to convince him & others that I'm right and I'm not stupid, that I know what I'm talking about.

I do it with friends too, not just him, I'll tell a friend "oh don't look at that car brand- those get bad mileage and worse resale value". And I've gotten into arguments with friends who tell me to just nod and let them chose what they want and then congratulate them. In my mind I was just trying to be helpful but I've had to learn to step back and that they aren't asking for my advice/opinion.

(no we/ I haven't tried counseling but probably should)

This sounds like a great idea, in my totally non-professional opinion. Like, it really seems to me like you guys speak two different communication "languages" so to speak.

[Deleted User]

ashley8918 said:It honestly kind of sounds to me like you think your DH is an idiot/you look down on him. I could absolutely be wrong, but everything you have posted about him gives me that vibe.


Not at all. He is often the right/smart one and I am quick to admit oh my bad, you're right. I'm more insecure with myself being the idiot so I try to convince him & others that I'm right and I'm not stupid, that I know what I'm talking about. I do it with friends too, not just him, I'll tell a friend "oh don't look at that car brand- those get bad mileage and worse resale value". And I've gotten into arguments with friends who tell me to just nod and let them chose what they want and then congratulate them. In my mind I was just trying to be helpful but I've had to learn to step back and that they aren't asking for my advice/opinion. (no we/ I haven't tried counseling but probably should)



ETA: BOXES




I am finding this really interesting because many of your behaviors sounds very similar to how my FI acts from time to time. He has always been a "realist" and I have always been an "optimist," so in my mind he can be a giant Negative Nancy. Sometimes it seems that nothing is the way he wants it to be, and it can be exhausting. 

He and I have had countless conversations about that type of behavior, because from my perspective, his negativity tends to dampen otherwise positive situations. The more we talk about, the better it gets. He uses his negativity almost as a shield to avoid disappointment. (As in, if I don't get my hopes up or get excited, when something doesn't work out it won't be upsetting.) When he finally admitted that to me, it really opened my eyes and made me see how he thinks about the world. Now when he gets into one of those moods, I am able to either help him see things from a different perspective, or just let it roll off my back, depending on the situation. I think I always internalized his negativity as something I could fix because something was wrong with either myself or our lives. That was my own problem, not his, but I was making the situation worse by not understanding his actions and emotions properly.

I am telling you all of this because I really think you and your H need to talk about how you both approach situations and communicate differently. Before FI and I did that, I would constantly fight with him about his "seriously shitty attitude," and it got us nowhere. 

You guys are two different people with different views of the world and that is totally okay and normal, but that doesn't mean that you both can't work on adapting your behaviors. When one of you starts getting ticked off, take a moment or two and really think about the conversation you are having and how the other person might be perceiving the situation. Like you said, you weren't trying to be negative about things like the curtain rod or the hot water, but maybe he thought you were really unhappy with this new place and it upset him because he was excited.

I also want to point out that I don't think you should change your personality. You absolutely shouldn't, and I really doubt you could, anyway. He obviously loves you, regardless, but my guess is he also just wants to understand why you do the things you do sometimes. For the most part, personalities are too ingrained in us by adulthood. But as PPs have said behaviors are not, nor are communication skills. I think talking about those things with each other will truly help.

ohannabelle

My dad used to say a kind of horrible thing to me: if nobody bothered learning new behaviors, we'd all still be sitting around in shitty diapers. 

Improving your communication skills and being aware of how your words feel to other people isn't giving up your personality, or whatever weird ass thing Doeydo said. It's becoming a more aware and considerate person. Learning what to let go of (aka shit that doesn't matter) and what to stand firm on is just smart. When people say marriage is work, this is the sort of thing they mean. 

And huge bonus points: the less often you bitch, the more people pay attention when you do.  

jenna8984

ashley8918 said:

jenna8984 said:

ashley8918 said:

It honestly kind of sounds to me like you think your DH is an idiot/you look down on him. I could absolutely be wrong, but everything you have posted about him gives me that vibe.

Not at all. He is often the right/smart one and I am quick to admit oh my bad, you're right. I'm more insecure with myself being the idiot so I try to convince him & others that I'm right and I'm not stupid, that I know what I'm talking about.

I do it with friends too, not just him, I'll tell a friend "oh don't look at that car brand- those get bad mileage and worse resale value". And I've gotten into arguments with friends who tell me to just nod and let them chose what they want and then congratulate them. In my mind I was just trying to be helpful but I've had to learn to step back and that they aren't asking for my advice/opinion.

(no we/ I haven't tried counseling but probably should)

This sounds like a great idea, in my totally non-professional opinion. Like, it really seems to me like you guys speak two different communication "languages" so to speak.

It seems like he speaks "Normal" and I speak "Negative controlling condescending asshole". haha just kidding....sort of....not really....fuck. Thank you (everyone) for the advice, I really will be determined to work on this!!

ashley8918

ohannabelle said:

My dad used to say a kind of horrible thing to me: if nobody bothered learning new behaviors, we'd all still be sitting around in shitty diapers. 

Improving your communication skills and being aware of how your words feel to other people isn't giving up your personality, or whatever weird ass thing Doeydo said. It's becoming a more aware and considerate person. Learning what to let go of (aka shit that doesn't matter) and what to stand firm on is just smart. When people say marriage is work, this is the sort of thing they mean. 

And huge bonus points: the less often you bitch, the more people pay attention when you do.  

I am definitely stealing this. i love it!

ETA and YES to the last point. It is 100% a The Boy Who Cried Wolf situation. I find the the more I bitch to Dan, the less he listens, because it doesn't seem as important if EVERYTHING gets that sort of reaction. That is a thing I have for sure worked on about myself.

Just last week, we were on vacation, and ended up in a REALLY gross hotel. The bitching started, and because it's not my regular attitude he immediately understood that it was a big deal and that I was legitimately upset by it. (THERE WERE FUCKING BUGS AND DIRTY SOCKS, guys)

littlepep

Kahlyla said:

To me, negativity is something that has an impact on those around us. If someone is putting negative stuff out there all the time (even if they don't intend it that way), that doesn't occur in a vacuum; it can affect and dampen everyone else's moods. It may even trigger a stress reaction in the other person  - causing them to feel like they have to do or change something? Adding something to their mental to-do list? And our SOs are likely the people we spend the most time around, so they are going to bear the brunt of it.

I've been around some people that I would describe as being "negative a lot of the time", and it can be incredibly frustrating and draining. In my experience, it can also make the more positive people in the environment feel like they're being drowned out - like, negative feelings about something must signal an issue, right? So they are the ones that get to be expressed, and talked about, and dealt with - and the positive person just sits there and feels unheard and like their feelings are irrelevant.

Taking and loving someone as they are is one thing, and it's something we place a lot of value on in our society, but I don't think it's particularly healthy for anyone to just remain exactly the way they were when they were 15/20/25/30/whatever at the expense of any personal growth. Someone having "decided to marry [us]" at some particular time =/= "we should never, ever change or grow or try to do any better", imo.

If my husband thought that I was being very negative generally, I would want to know and I would want to work on it. I've been pretty negative in the past, and I can say looking back on it that I wasn't an especially happy person at that time. In your case, Jenna, you don't sound as though you feel especially unhappy, and that's good, but if that's the case then it might be even easier for you to ask yourself why you tend to express things with a negative slant and work on tweaking it so it doesn't bring him down.

Obviously there are better and worse ways for both parties to communicate these things, and I will say that communication is one area of our relationship that is CONSTANTLY evolving, and we've been together 12 years now. We're still learning about each other in this regard, and because we're open to hearing each other I feel like we're both growing together into better people.

SO MUCH THIS. FI can sometimes be super negative and he wants to just sit around and pout. He's working on it, but it's still an issue at times. 

I tell him, you either change your attitude or go have a pity party in the other room because I don't want it affecting my mood. I will not tolerate you being negative for no reason. If you want to have a discussion about how you're feeling and how we can improve/change that, I'm all for it. But I don't want to sit around and listen to whine and feel sorry for yourself. 

climbingsingle

Here's a good example of changing a behavior for the better. When I met my H, I often said, "I can't" if I was trying something new. When he took me sailing and told me to steer, I said I can't. When he took me rock climbing, I looked up at the mountain and said I can't. 

He sat me down and said, "You need to have confidence in yourself. Stop saying that you can't do something. Remember when I took you sailing? You steered the boat, and you learned all the names for things and you helped with the sails. Remember when we went rock climbing? You made that mountain your bitch, and you climbed a 5.7 on your first day out. Stop telling yourself you can't do something."

And guess what? He was 100% fucking correct. I stopped psyching myself out. I didn't change who I was. I didn't change my personality for him. I corrected a behavior that wasn't beneficial or conducive to living a happy life. And negativity like yours Jenna, I see in the same light.  

jacques27

This isn't about changing who you are fundamentally as a human being. It's learning to communicate. Somewhere you learned that the way you talk to people is acceptable. Babies don't innately communicate via sarcasm or make negative commentary under the guise of "observation." It is learned behavior. Maybe that's the way your parents or other family members talked to each other?

Honestly, all the examples you gave, I didn't see one example of how what you said contributed anything positive to the situation. Add enough of the comments up and that can wear on a person. Your comment about the mail especially was borderline mean. You could have said, " We put in the change form at the post office. Won't this just be a waste of time?" That could have opened up dialogue for him to explain his concerns (which many people have already explained here were probably valid). You could have offered up alternatives like "How about we call our old neighbor or friend who lives closer and have them check so you know if it's worth the gas to make the trip out there?" Instead you said "why would there be? That seems pointless." Read: "it's so obvious that this is a stupid idea and you're an idiot for thinking it. I'm not even going to allow you the opportunity to explain further it's just that obvious." None of the examples you gave invited discussion or offered something productive.

What were you trying to gain from those comments? At a certain point, if your words aren't constructive, all you're doing is creating noise. Add sarcasm or a negative attitude to the mix and your words can actually hurt and be perceived a hostile or criticizing. I lost a lot of friends in the process of learning that lesson because I communicated how my family does and it turns out they didn't set the best example. It shocked me to learn that most people didn't communicate that way and found it hard to tolerate over the long term-it was all I knew. It took a long time to unlearn and I still struggle at times. I'm not saying you can't ever have negative thoughts or express them-it doesn't have to be all bunnies and rainbows. But think before you speak. Ask yourself if your words are constructive. How will they make other people feel? What are you hoping the response will be? Is that the best way to convey the information and get the response you desire? Not everything needs commentary.

I'm also not trying to blame you entirely. I think you both could maybe benefit from learning more constructive ways to communicate.

P.s. On mobile-took forever to write. Sorry if everyone already covered this.

KatieinBkln

Guys, I can't necessarily solve the communication issue here, but I can TOTALLY solve the Wal-Mart issue:

Your H: I'm bored. I think I'll head to Wal-Mart

You: Oh my gosh, you're bored? Why didn't you say so? LET'S BONE!

-fin-