Opinions Wanted: Keeping baby's sex a secret from others when we know

flantastic

H cannot handle the suspense anymore, so we're going to find out the sex of our baby at the ultrasound on Friday. He just wants some time to mentally prepare, and I'm neither strongly for nor against finding out, so we're going to.

However, I'm a pretty private person, and I see no reason why we need to share that information with anyone else. For me, everyone else knows about the pregnancy, and I feel that should be enough knowledge of our intimate lives. I want to keep the sex as something between us, along with the name. I was talking to one of my brothers about the U/S coming up and he was surprised that I even mentioned we were finding out, and very surprised that we might tell people afterwards - in both our minds, it's a) mine and H's business entirely and b) it's really shouldn't be that difficult for everyone else to wait to find out whether the child has boy parts or girl parts when it's born.

However, H's brothers all found out and told everyone the sex of the previous 4 grandchildren, and H thinks MIL will whine about how we're being unnecessarily withholding. That's not really pushiness that I want to reward, for one, but unfortunately H also doesn't really see the necessity of keeping it secret and thinks it'll be more trouble than there is any benefit. He's willing to do it if I feel strongly, but I think he's afraid my articulated reasons don't make sense and/or boil down to just wanting to spite his mother. I don't really want to lie, either, and say we didn't find out in order to shut people up.

Can you guys help me articulate a more defined reason that this is or is not better kept between us, or help me see it from the perspective of others who really want to/feel they deserve to know?

JennyColada

I'm not very maternal, and nowhere close to being ready to have a kid myself, so take my opinion with a grain of salt: I probably wouldn't be one to parade around the gender of my unborn (or even born, for that matter) child. I mean, I wouldn't take measures to actively hide it, but I also am not planning on doing a big gender reveal thing either. I just don't see what it matters really.

Ultimately, I think, in this situation, no matter how logical or well-thought-out your reasons are, I doubt it will  matter. MIL wants what she wants, and she wants it NOW, she probably won't be swayed by reason.

Blergbot

Can you tell people you aren't finding out the sex? Or is the cat already out of the bag? I won't be too helpful here, since we told everyone the sex and the name, but this is an extremely personal choice, and you do have the right to keep it to yourselves. That said, you may run up against hurt feelings and guilt trips. If I were going to keep them to myself, I wouldn't have told anyone we were finding out the sex. Good luck!

theartistformerlyknownas

We're going to try to keep it a secret, less for intimacy reasons and more for avoiding completely gendered gifts. Not that a second baby couldn't sleep in the "wrong"colored pack n play, I just don't want pink things at all if it's a girl. Plus, sometimes the u/s is wrong. Awkward. I know how much people love shopping for clothes when they know the sex, and I would rather get the boring stuff. we've had two showers offered (same as for the wedding) so we anticipate this being an issue.

I'm hoping that the verbiage "we decided to keep it a surprise!" will sound enough like it's a surprise to us, too, rather than just to the person asking, while avoiding being a bold faced lie. Or even if our parents and siblings find out hopefully we can keep it somewhat close to the vest rather than our unborn baby's genitalia being breaking news to the world.

[Deleted User]

I am sure this isn't good enough justification to shut down your MIL, but I would just reiterate that you want it to be a surprise for the rest of your family and friends, and she will have to respect your wishes.

We didn't do a gender reveal but were open we were having a boy and left it at that. We didn't share baby names before hand... Those questions got old, and people are super judgmental and opinionated about it. I told my mom one name we liked and she literally begged me not to name him that, and went on a rant about it, so never again was it discussed.

I told her this is our child, so it is our decision. I appreciated her excitement and concern, but that it was not up for discussion.

lyndausvi

You can do what ever you want. 

 But I have a feeling if your DH can't handle the surprise  now it might be hard for him keep it for the remaining months.      Once you know it's just natural to start using the correct pronoun.

I would just use the verbiage that you do not know yet and hope he doesn't use the pronoun between now and then.

ETA - I don't quite get the you find out but everyone else has to wait a few months.   I more of a all or nothing kind of person.  None of siblings knew the gender  of any of my 7 nieces and nephews.  That was cool and almost fun.  I would be pretty miffed if my sister found out and decided that was the line they were drawing.   I mean I'm going to find out in a few months anyway?

IDK. it's just weird for me.    It's never happened before.  Everyone knew or everyone didn't.        It's certainly your life, your choice.  I just don't get it.

littlemushroom

I don't see why it matters if you tell people, honestly. What do you gain by keeping it a secret?

To me it is kind of like choosing your wedding date and telling people you chose the date, but not telling people the date until you send invitations. Or like buying a new house, but not telling your family the address until after you move in. Sure, they don't really need to know until invitations go out or you are actually living there, but what's the point of keeping it a secret? What do you gain by not telling anyone?

I think that is especially true when it comes to close family, like your or your H's immediate family. I feel like you end up causing more hurt feelings or family strife by keeping the secret than you benefit from it.

IrishPirate60

Why tell your brother that you're going for an ultrasound?  While I understand there are differences between you and your husband, I'm thinking you're not as "private" a person as you might think you are. However, that ship has sailed.

I'd stick to "Baby's still there and growing" and change the subject.

huskypuppy14

I think if parents want to find out the baby's sex, that is their prerogative. That doesn't mean you have to tell anyone else (including grandparents). 

I think lolo has a good point. I wouldn't want a bunch of pink shit either. Obviously, boys can sleep in a pink bassinet or whatever, but I personally don't like pink that much, so I would prefer a different color whether it was a boy or a girl.

I think flantastic's issue is that her husband wants to tell people, and she doesn't. That's something you have to discuss and compromise on. Maybe if you didn't want to find out, your compromise was that you two would know, but wouldn't tell anyone else. That seems reasonable to me.

My prediction is that Flantastic is having a boy,and lolo is having a girl!

theartistformerlyknownas

@huskypuppy14 that is SO funny, EVERYONE has guessed girl so far!

AprilH81

It is completely up to you who you tell and when you tell it.

With my sister's kids she told everyone it was a boy and the name (not really a surprise because he was named after his father, grandfather and great-grandfather).

With the twins she announced she was having a boy and girl but only told the grandparents the names and I was incredibly hurt that I wasn't told when the aunts and uncles on her in-laws side found out.  Again, it was her decision and she had her reasons, but I was still hurt.

This is totally your decision and I would "tell" in circles like you would invite in weddings.  If you tell one grand-parent you tell them all.  If you tell your siblings you tell his as well.  You get the point.

lovegood90

I dunno, I don't have kids and don't want any (I know, why did I click on the thread right? Haha), so maybe I'm missing something. But if you want to be "private" about your pregnancy other than simply announcing you're pregnant, why are you talking about your ultrasounds and stuff but the baby's name and gender is a sacred secret?

Not trying to sound rude or snarky BTW, just confused.

MairePoppy

It's your right not to tell but... if the two of you agree not to tell anyone else, then don't mention your ultrasound appointment to anyone. It seems like teasing to say you know the sex of the baby, but you're not telling. 

STARMOON44

I think it's weird to tell everyone that you have the ultrasound and that you're finding out but they can't know. And to be honest reading your explanation makes no sense to me and sounds a lot like you're just being spiteful.

It's like a little kid- you don't run around saying "nah nah I have a secret but I'm not telling you." If you donf want people to know either don't find out or don't tell people you're finding out.

flantastic

lovegood90 said:

I dunno, I don't have kids and don't want any (I know, why did I click on the thread right? Haha), so maybe I'm missing something. But if you want to be "private" about your pregnancy other than simply announcing you're pregnant, why are you talking about your ultrasounds and stuff but the baby's name and gender is a sacred secret?

Not trying to sound rude or snarky BTW, just confused.

Because people are asking. And being persistent about asking, and H is answering those questions. "OMG when do you find out?? When is that u/s??" and lying to say we're not doing the "make sure everything's okay with baby" anatomy scan isn't really believable. You may well be right, Lynda, that he may not really be able to keep it secret even if he's trying.

I just know that certain people are going to be obnoxious about asking, but they'll also be obnoxious if they know, and I'd prefer to deal with one sort of commentary rather than the other. I guess I wouldn't even mind if a few particular people knew, just because I know that they wouldn't ask and won't be obnoxious. In which case, it really is about making a point of not telling his mom and his labmates and everyone else who feels like they have a right to know, as well as not wanting a ton of gendered stuff or hearing people's interpretations of what a baby of a certain gender should do/need/etc.

Names being secret are a) because everyone's got an opinion and we don't want to hear it and b) because we probably won't definitively decide until the kid is born.

huskypuppy14

MairePoppy said:

It's your right not to tell but... if the two of you agree not to tell anyone else, then don't mention your ultrasound appointment to anyone. It seems like teasing to say you know the sex of the baby, but you're not telling. 

I don't have children, but just because you have an ultrasound appointment doesn't mean you find out the baby's sex. And, if the parents want to know the sex and not tell anyone else, that is their right. I'm really baffled why people think it's not ok for the parents to know and no one else.

Blergbot

People get the anatomy scan and don't find out the gender. I wouldn't necessarily lie about it, but the idea of saying you're keeping it a surprise *might* work.

lovegood90

flantastic said:

lovegood90 said:

I dunno, I don't have kids and don't want any (I know, why did I click on the thread right? Haha), so maybe I'm missing something. But if you want to be "private" about your pregnancy other than simply announcing you're pregnant, why are you talking about your ultrasounds and stuff but the baby's name and gender is a sacred secret?

Not trying to sound rude or snarky BTW, just confused.

Because people are asking. And being persistent about asking, and H is answering those questions. "OMG when do you find out?? When is that u/s??" and lying to say we're not doing the "make sure everything's okay with baby" anatomy scan isn't really believable. You may well be right, Lynda, that he may not really be able to keep it secret even if he's trying.

I just know that certain people are going to be obnoxious about asking, but they'll also be obnoxious if they know, and I'd prefer to deal with one sort of commentary rather than the other. I guess I wouldn't even mind if a few particular people knew, just because I know that they wouldn't ask and won't be obnoxious. In which case, it really is about making a point of not telling his mom and his labmates and everyone else who feels like they have a right to know, as well as not wanting a ton of gendered stuff or hearing people's interpretations of what a baby of a certain gender should do/need/etc.

Names being secret are a) because everyone's got an opinion and we don't want to hear it and b) because we probably won't definitively decide until the kid is born.

Ah, yeah that makes sense then if people are asking. Puts you in a tough spot.

flantastic

Blergbot said:

People get the anatomy scan and don't find out the gender. I wouldn't necessarily lie about it, but the idea of saying you're keeping it a surprise *might* work.

Yeah, I do like Lolo's wording there. That might work.

AddieCake

I agree that once you know it might be difficult not to use the gender pronoun. I don't see the point in keeping it a secret once you know, but everyone is different.

lyndausvi

I've not known the names on a lot kids even if we knew the gender.   So many people change their minds and have decided to tell the name once they see the baby.  To see if the name fits.    That I totally understand.

The gender, not as much.  But it's totally up to you.  However if you are going to tell people, you are better off telling everyone then keep some people (especially those close) in the dark.   And by telling I don't mean you need some big announcement.   When one person knows others start to ind out.  Sometimes it's as simple as an innocent slip up on a pronoun.

jacques27

Ultimately, it's up to you.  No one "deserves" to know.  But you realize you can only keep this a secret for so long, right?  Is a few months really worth alienating family?  Family that is excited about this new addition?  Family that wants to share in this occasion?  Family that is going to be a part of your child's life for the rest of his or her life?

I guess I just don't get why you would want to be withholding of that when clearly they are excited about having a new grandbaby.  And your husband wants to know, too, so why is it an okay thing for him to want to know, but not them?  They are going to be involved in this baby's life, too.  These aren't strangers on the street - these are relatives.  So far, your reasoning really does just sound like you're doing it because you like being in control and withholding information from them keeps you in control.  It does sound pretty petty and spiteful.

Then again, I guess I also don't understand why your husband wants to know to "mentally prepare" either.  Exactly what is he going to do differently if it's a boy vs. a girl?  I guess I would want to know about potential health issues (down syndrome, birth defects) because that would affect how I prepare, but I'm not really sure why boy vs. girl makes a difference in how you prepare.  But, he wants to know and clearly others in your life would like to know, too.  I guess I don't see the advantage of, once you know, withholding it from them if they feel like it somehow helps them foster a better relationship with the baby to be - bonding before he or she is born, if you will.  The three of you aren't going to exist in a vacuum - you're part of a larger family that cares and is excited.

I know for myself, if I have biological children, I don't plan
to find out before the birth - and it's pretty much because I don't want
my child subjected to gender conditioning before they are even out of
the womb.  It's not even "I don't like pink" if it's a girl - I love
pink!  And I know that I have no way of protecting them from it entirely
- it's going to bombard from them the minute they exit the womb.  But
if I can somehow minimize that pre-exit, I'm sure as hell going to try. 
Plus, I'm just too practical and if I'm lucky enough for people to gift
me stuff, I sure as heck want to be able to use it for subsequent
babies (and not be like several people I know who are getting showers
for their subsequent babies that are boys because "All I have is girl
clothes!").  But, those are my reasons, not yours.  And, if my partner
wanted to find out and share, I can certainly work around my concerns
about gender conditioning by making my concerns known to my friends and family,
registering for items that fit in with my expectations, and
returning/exchanging the items that don't.

charcoalandblush

I don't see why it matters if you tell people, honestly. What do you gain by keeping it a secret?

To me it is kind of like choosing your wedding date and telling people you chose the date, but not telling people the date until you send invitations. Or like buying a new house, but not telling your family the address until after you move in. Sure, they don't really need to know until invitations go out or you are actually living there, but what's the point of keeping it a secret? What do you gain by not telling anyone?

I think that is especially true when it comes to close family, like your or your H's immediate family. I feel like you end up causing more hurt feelings or family strife by keeping the secret than you benefit from it.

This is what I'm wondering. Why is the gender, specifically, such a big secret? 

ETA: But I totally get keeping the name a secret. People get super judgey and weird about names, and I wouldn't want to tell people my favorite name and then have them tell me not to use it.

KatieinBkln

You're sure you have to find out? Seems like it would be easiest to keep everyone in ignorance, including yourselves.

I agree with jacques27--what's there to "mentally prepare" about? If it's as simple as envisioning doing certain activities with a son vs. a daughter, I think it's wise to realize that you might get a girl who loves so-called boy stuff, or a boy who likes dolls.

BUT. If you definitely want to find out, maybe you could just say, "We're keeping it a surprise!" and then bean dip like crazy. No one is entitled to know every single thing that's going on inside your uterus.

kvruns

I think if you guys find out it will be hard not to let it slip. I also don't love the idea of only telling a couple people and not others

Then again I hate it when people refer to their unborn baby by the chosen name months before it is even born. If it were me I would want to pick out 2 names and decide when the baby is born.

ashley8918

littlemushroom said:

I don't see why it matters if you tell people, honestly. What do you gain by keeping it a secret?

To me it is kind of like choosing your wedding date and telling people you chose the date, but not telling people the date until you send invitations. Or like buying a new house, but not telling your family the address until after you move in. Sure, they don't really need to know until invitations go out or you are actually living there, but what's the point of keeping it a secret? What do you gain by not telling anyone?

I think that is especially true when it comes to close family, like your or your H's immediate family. I feel like you end up causing more hurt feelings or family strife by keeping the secret than you benefit from it.

It mattered to me because I was not at all interested in getting a bunch of super gender-specific stuff.

FiancB

Personally, I don't know if I'll want to keep things a secret or not. We'll see how I feel when I'm pregnant. I'll probably tell just about everyone but my parents. As for H's family and friends, I'll let him decide. I don't really care one way or another.

 I also don't really want people to start obsessing  over things we can do with a girl vs boy, from dress to activities to whether it'll be a mommy's boy or daddy's girl. But I suppose I'll deal with that when it comes- they'll find out eventually and those kinds of people will bombard us with "boy stuff" or "girl stuff" anyway.

But that's me. If you don't feel comfortable telling people, don't. You will be subjected to all kinds of unwanted opinions so you might as well practice being assertive now. Just say you want everyone to be surprised, won't that be fun? Hows' the bean dip?

If you don't want to know but your H does, I'm sure there's a way to arrange that. Although that would be a tough secret to keep from your spouse. 

banana468

I think the only way you can get away with it is to lie and say that baby didn't cooperate or that you decided not to find out.

I can understand wanting to find out and to prepare. If DS wasn't a boy I knew DH would want to try again soon and I didn't want to find that out in the delivery room.

WinstonsGirl

My SIL wants to know and my brother never does. For both of their kids, she found out and he didn't. She tells everyone it's her "OCD" (her words, not mine) that she needs to know but she not telling anyone so don't even bother asking. My brother prefers the surprise. Everyone seems to respect that and doesn't ask her.

However, she told my niece that she was going to have a brother. Kid was about 15 months and started saying "brother" to everything, until SIL found out and taught her sister as well. We all knew she was having a boy about 2 weeks after she found out herself, we just didn't mention it to her. As soon as you tell 1 person, it's out. And yes, you might slip on gender pronouns.

southernbelle0915

I'd either tell people you don't know, you've decided not to find out or you'll be keeping it a secret until delivery.

My sister and her H only told immediate family because they wanted just gender neutral stuff. But after she delivered, they got almost 100% pink ruffle cloths in the mail. We were going to do same as them, but people are going to buy the kid genderized stuff no matter what, so whatever.

We found out on Thursday we're having a boy and the cat's out of the bag to family/friends. We told our families beforehand we wanted gender neutral stuff if they were going to buy anything. H's family is going to be a challenge....their immediate response to "it's a boy" was "omg yay! Now we can buy all the blue stuff.." So yea.

sarahufl

If I ever get pregnant again, I am going to be so damn anxious about it that I don't think I will tell anyone anything. Ever.

Frankly, I get that people are excited, but they aren't having the baby- you are. So you do you and tell them to mind their own. I don't understand why people think pregnancy is this big group activity. It is a personal decision you and your H made. So you get to do what you want.

You don't OWE anyone anything.