Which Is The Worst Etiquette Mistake?

BrinkyDink16

flantastic said:

sandstorm320 said:

banana468 said:

flantastic said:

Knottie39204199 said:

themuffinman16 said:

Knottie39994948 said:

You may have exactly the wedding you want if you invite no guests. Once you invite guests, you have the obligation to treat them well. Even if that goes against your toddler temper tantrum "wants."

I just have to say this makes exactly 0 amount of sense to me.  A wedding is about two people coming together and making a commitment.  It's about the couple, not about the guests.  We are planning our wedding for US and we're extending the invitation to people we care about to come and share that day with us.  If they don't want to come, for whatever reason, than that is up to them.  As long as my fiance and the officiant show up then I'm a happy camper.  I'd love it if we have a full house but if we don't we'll still be married at the end of the day and we'll still have the day WE wanted.

ohannabelle

.

Knottie39204199 said:

Knottie39994948 said:

Man, we're doing so many of these supposed no nos!

We're having a dress code.  You must wear a costume.  If you don't, you will be asked to put on a provided mask before entering the venue.

We have a B-list.  Our venue is a finite space of 170.  We have more than 170 people we'd like to invite so unfortunately some people who we'd love to have there but aren't that close to have to be on a second string list.

We're having an unplugged ceremony and are requesting that all photos taken at the reception be uploaded to a shared facebook album we're putting up.  I don't feel that's obnoxious.  I want people to pay attention and be present.

Etiquette smetiquette.  It's our day and we'll do what feels right for us.

Did you see the poll? 86 people voted. 86 people overwhelmingly said B-listing is one of the rudest things you can do. We aren't your friends, we aren't your family.  We have nothing at stake to keep our thoughts to ourselves. Your nearest and dearest will be judging you hard, and most of them will talk behind your back.  This summer, i am invited to an OOT wedding with a 7 hour gap.  I would NEVER tell the bride and groom my irritation with this. I am not the only person snarking about it, either. Just because your friends or family don't tell you, doesn't make it less heinous, it just means they have good manners.

I'm pretty sure that B-listing is in fact not the rudest thing that you can do, I think the rudest is actually pooping on the table.

But that being said...the other thing that might be the rudest thing is talking about your family and friends behind their back. Unless being two-faced is a part of wedding etiquette I didn't know about.

STUCK IN BOX

And you know why people don't do that?

Etiquette.

Because by the time they're two and a half or three, they've grasped the concept of acceptable social behavior, and that it involves not offending other people. They grasp that their own gratification  is less important than being a socially acceptable human being capable of considering other people.

 Shitting on other people's feelings because you can't grasp the concept of acceptable social behavior  means consideration of other people? It isn't much better. Not adult behavior. It's a two year old mentality of "but I waaaaaaant to!"

Both are shitty and offensive behaviors, and result in shit shows, and are the result of never having learned better and not caring. 

And the point isn't what people say. It's about how you make people feel. 

But hell, yes, people talk about shit shows. That's why people watch Jerry Springer. They're fascinated by displays of ignorance. 

notdoingitbythebook

flantastic said:

sandstorm320 said:

banana468 said:

flantastic said:

Knottie39204199 said:

themuffinman16 said:

Knottie39994948 said:

Man, we're doing so many of these supposed no nos!

We're having a dress code.  You must wear a costume.  If you don't, you will be asked to put on a provided mask before entering the venue.

We have a B-list.  Our venue is a finite space of 170.  We have more than 170 people we'd like to invite so unfortunately some people who we'd love to have there but aren't that close to have to be on a second string list.

We're having an unplugged ceremony and are requesting that all photos taken at the reception be uploaded to a shared facebook album we're putting up.  I don't feel that's obnoxious.  I want people to pay attention and be present.

Etiquette smetiquette.  It's our day and we'll do what feels right for us.

Did you see the poll? 86 people voted. 86 people overwhelmingly said B-listing is one of the rudest things you can do. We aren't your friends, we aren't your family.  We have nothing at stake to keep our thoughts to ourselves. Your nearest and dearest will be judging you hard, and most of them will talk behind your back.  This summer, i am invited to an OOT wedding with a 7 hour gap.  I would NEVER tell the bride and groom my irritation with this. I am not the only person snarking about it, either. Just because your friends or family don't tell you, doesn't make it less heinous, it just means they have good manners.

I'm pretty sure that B-listing is in fact not the rudest thing that you can do, I think the rudest is actually pooping on the table.

But that being said...the other thing that might be the rudest thing is talking about your family and friends behind their back. Unless being two-faced is a part of wedding etiquette I didn't know about.

Right. Because I'm sure you'd respond better if your friend or family member walked up to you and said "You are treating me rudely as fuck." People know you'd respond so well, so they never avoid sharing their hurt to spare your feelings.

Ever try keeping your mouth shut? If it isn't your wedding then no one is obligating you to be there, so don't be there if you don't like it.

Ever tried not doing crappy things to people?   

I don't understand the logic that one should keep her mouth shut if someone is being rude and if something is truly terrible to just not go.

1) The concept of keeping one's mouth shut when something is astoundingly rude flies in the face of feminism and fighting for what's right.   It's generally only used now by those who basically only want to be surrounded by "yes" people.

I am so confused by you, it's feminist to tell people you that their wedding doesn't conform to what you believe they should have, but it's not feminist but terrible to have the wedding you want?

You may have exactly the wedding you want if you invite no guests. Once you invite guests, you have the obligation to treat them well. Even if that goes against your toddler temper tantrum "wants."

*************

"Toddler temper tantrum wants"? Are you f***ing kidding me?  There are more toddler temper tantrums on this board from the etiquette nazis here than anyone else. 

Etiquette is a guideline, it's not the be all and end all. And before someone decides to berate me and say that this is an etiquette board and blah blah blah... I know. I can read. The point is that people here just get out of control with making sure the "proper" thing is done which is not always the "right" thing to do. I am not sure why on earth this is so hard to comprehend. Unless of course all we're supposed to do here is fall in lock step and chant "one of us... one of us..." because it's certainly apparent that anyone who dares to think differently is not allowed here. 

For people who are so obsessed with acting nicely towards other and not being rude, there is certainly a lot of rudeness going on. 

frenchiekin

banana468 said:

sandstorm320 said:

I am so confused by you, it's feminist to tell people you that their wedding doesn't conform to what you believe they should have, but it's not feminist but terrible to have the wedding you want?

You may have exactly the wedding you want if you invite no guests. Once you invite guests, you have the obligation to treat them well. Even if that goes against your toddler temper tantrum "wants."

But if they are on my B list then I haven't invited them yet, so I can't possibly have wedding obligations to them. Either way, isn't the guest then throwing their own toddler tantrum when they start complaining to everyone and their mother behind the couple's back, about how terrible the couple is being to treat them this way for one day. One day that, I may add, as I guest I won't care about a year from now as it wasn't a pivotal moment in my life.

Putting someone on a B list is rude in and of itself.

People may not remember the good things but they can sure has hell remember the bad.   And it's hardly throwing a toddler tantrum to mention things that irritate you after the fact.   Throwing a toddler tantrum would be making a scene in the middle of the dance floor and screaming that you wanted noodles!!!!   Chatting with your mom on the phone saying, "holy crap let me tell you about this shit show," may be gossipy but are you really saying that one should always stay on the side of saying 'if you can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all?"   Really??

Basically, all I get from your argument is that it's OK to do rude things to people because you think that your wedding is of little consequence to them, they're your second tier guests and they won't remember it in a year anyway.    Really?   Is that the logic you're going with? 

**************************************ETF what the F with the boxes*********************

This^

And/or, is that just your general attitude towards people you supposedly care about?  Cause it's kind of appalling.

BrinkyDink16

notdoingitbythebook said:

flantastic said:

sandstorm320 said:

banana468 said:

flantastic said:

Knottie39204199 said:

themuffinman16 said:

Knottie39994948 said:

"Toddler temper tantrum wants"? Are you f***ing kidding me?  There are more toddler temper tantrums on this board from the etiquette nazis here than anyone else. 

Etiquette is a guideline, it's not the be all and end all. And before someone decides to berate me and say that this is an etiquette board and blah blah blah... I know. I can read. The point is that people here just get out of control with making sure the "proper" thing is done which is not always the "right" thing to do. I am not sure why on earth this is so hard to comprehend. Unless of course all we're supposed to do here is fall in lock step and chant "one of us... one of us..." because it's certainly apparent that anyone who dares to think differently is not allowed here. 

For people who are so obsessed with acting nicely towards other and not being rude, there is certainly a lot of rudeness going on. 

^^^ This.  This right here.  The head of the nail has been hit.

banana468

This is a board for advising what is and isn't OK for a wedding.   The conversation here wouldn't happen at a wedding.   No one is telling you that they think it's OK to walk up to the bride and groom at their wedding and tell them that they're doing shitty things.

What we ARE saying is that there are some breaches of etiquette that are so egregious that they are indefensible.    And while no one will tell you on your wedding day that you did something pretty awful, those you offend will feel hurt and they'll remember it.

Finally, your wedding ceremony is yours.   The reception is for your guests.   So when you host an event with a costume requirement, one that omits spouses / SOs, or one that requires that your guests do something that the hosts should do (provide food, buy their alcohol, move their chairs) we're going to call you out on it now.

Because the goal of the board is aimed at doing the right thing, we'd rather be blunt in writing than have you piss off your family and friends.

geebee908

BrinkyDink16 said:

notdoingitbythebook said:

flantastic said:

sandstorm320 said:

banana468 said:

flantastic said:

Knottie39204199 said:

themuffinman16 said:

Knottie39994948 said:

"Toddler temper tantrum wants"? Are you f***ing kidding me?  There are more toddler temper tantrums on this board from the etiquette nazis here than anyone else. 

Etiquette is a guideline, it's not the be all and end all. And before someone decides to berate me and say that this is an etiquette board and blah blah blah... I know. I can read. The point is that people here just get out of control with making sure the "proper" thing is done which is not always the "right" thing to do. I am not sure why on earth this is so hard to comprehend. Unless of course all we're supposed to do here is fall in lock step and chant "one of us... one of us..." because it's certainly apparent that anyone who dares to think differently is not allowed here. 

For people who are so obsessed with acting nicely towards other and not being rude, there is certainly a lot of rudeness going on. 

^^^ This.  This right here.  The head of the nail has been hit.

BOXES PLEASE
When is treating your loved ones without respect and concern for their comfort and well-being ever the right thing to do? Who on this earth is that exalted? I'd love to hear what scenario makes it right for you as a host to only think of yourself and to hell with everyone else. Please enlighten me.

thespeshulestsnowflake

BrinkyDink16 said:

notdoingitbythebook said:

flantastic said:

sandstorm320 said:

banana468 said:

flantastic said:

Knottie39204199 said:

themuffinman16 said:

Knottie39994948 said:

"Toddler temper tantrum wants"? Are you f***ing kidding me?  There are more toddler temper tantrums on this board from the etiquette nazis here than anyone else. 

Etiquette is a guideline, it's not the be all and end all. And before someone decides to berate me and say that this is an etiquette board and blah blah blah... I know. I can read. The point is that people here just get out of control with making sure the "proper" thing is done which is not always the "right" thing to do. I am not sure why on earth this is so hard to comprehend. Unless of course all we're supposed to do here is fall in lock step and chant "one of us... one of us..." because it's certainly apparent that anyone who dares to think differently is not allowed here. 

For people who are so obsessed with acting nicely towards other and not being rude, there is certainly a lot of rudeness going on. 

^^^ This.  This right here.  The head of the nail has been hit.

BOXES PLEASE
When is treating your loved ones without respect and concern for their comfort and well-being ever the right thing to do? Who on this earth is that exalted? I'd love to hear what scenario makes it right for you as a host to only think of yourself and to hell with everyone else. Please enlighten me.


_____________Boxes happen___________________

Duh, she's the bride!

anjemon

notdoingitbythebook said:

flantastic said:

sandstorm320 said:

banana468 said:

flantastic said:

Knottie39204199 said:

themuffinman16 said:

Knottie39994948 said:

Man, we're doing so many of these supposed no nos!

We're having a dress code.  You must wear a costume.  If you don't, you will be asked to put on a provided mask before entering the venue.

We have a B-list.  Our venue is a finite space of 170.  We have more than 170 people we'd like to invite so unfortunately some people who we'd love to have there but aren't that close to have to be on a second string list.

We're having an unplugged ceremony and are requesting that all photos taken at the reception be uploaded to a shared facebook album we're putting up.  I don't feel that's obnoxious.  I want people to pay attention and be present.

Etiquette smetiquette.  It's our day and we'll do what feels right for us.

Did you see the poll? 86 people voted. 86 people overwhelmingly said B-listing is one of the rudest things you can do. We aren't your friends, we aren't your family.  We have nothing at stake to keep our thoughts to ourselves. Your nearest and dearest will be judging you hard, and most of them will talk behind your back.  This summer, i am invited to an OOT wedding with a 7 hour gap.  I would NEVER tell the bride and groom my irritation with this. I am not the only person snarking about it, either. Just because your friends or family don't tell you, doesn't make it less heinous, it just means they have good manners.

I'm pretty sure that B-listing is in fact not the rudest thing that you can do, I think the rudest is actually pooping on the table.

But that being said...the other thing that might be the rudest thing is talking about your family and friends behind their back. Unless being two-faced is a part of wedding etiquette I didn't know about.

Right. Because I'm sure you'd respond better if your friend or family member walked up to you and said "You are treating me rudely as fuck." People know you'd respond so well, so they never avoid sharing their hurt to spare your feelings.

Ever try keeping your mouth shut? If it isn't your wedding then no one is obligating you to be there, so don't be there if you don't like it.

Ever tried not doing crappy things to people?   

I don't understand the logic that one should keep her mouth shut if someone is being rude and if something is truly terrible to just not go.

1) The concept of keeping one's mouth shut when something is astoundingly rude flies in the face of feminism and fighting for what's right.   It's generally only used now by those who basically only want to be surrounded by "yes" people.

I am so confused by you, it's feminist to tell people you that their wedding doesn't conform to what you believe they should have, but it's not feminist but terrible to have the wedding you want?

You may have exactly the wedding you want if you invite no guests. Once you invite guests, you have the obligation to treat them well. Even if that goes against your toddler temper tantrum "wants."

*************

"Toddler temper tantrum wants"? Are you f***ing kidding me?  There are more toddler temper tantrums on this board from the etiquette nazis here than anyone else. 

Etiquette is a guideline, it's not the be all and end all. And before someone decides to berate me and say that this is an etiquette board and blah blah blah... I know. I can read. The point is that people here just get out of control with making sure the "proper" thing is done which is not always the "right" thing to do. I am not sure why on earth this is so hard to comprehend. Unless of course all we're supposed to do here is fall in lock step and chant "one of us... one of us..." because it's certainly apparent that anyone who dares to think differently is not allowed here. 

For people who are so obsessed with acting nicely towards other and not being rude, there is certainly a lot of rudeness going on. 

I could not agree with you more! Is it rude that perfect strangers want to dictate what is allowed to happen at my wedding? Maybe I should post it in the etiquette forum...oh wait

Preemptive Box ------------------------------------------------------------

But see, we're not dictating what is allowed to happen at your wedding. You are allowed to do whatever the hell you please. We can't put you in jail or give you a time out.

What we're saying is that it's rude / tacky / mean to do those things. And that your friends and family might be hurt by your actions. Or at least inconvenienced. And we assume that as a caring person who likes their friends/family that you would want to avoid doing those things. 

Also, wouldn't say there is a lot of rudeness going on here. Bluntness and not mincing words, sure. But in this thread in particular we have not been rude to anyone.

banana468

sandstorm320 said:

notdoingitbythebook said:

flantastic said:

sandstorm320 said:

banana468 said:

flantastic said:

Knottie39204199 said:

themuffinman16 said:

Knottie39994948 said:

Man, we're doing so many of these supposed no nos!

We're having a dress code.  You must wear a costume.  If you don't, you will be asked to put on a provided mask before entering the venue.

We have a B-list.  Our venue is a finite space of 170.  We have more than 170 people we'd like to invite so unfortunately some people who we'd love to have there but aren't that close to have to be on a second string list.

We're having an unplugged ceremony and are requesting that all photos taken at the reception be uploaded to a shared facebook album we're putting up.  I don't feel that's obnoxious.  I want people to pay attention and be present.

Etiquette smetiquette.  It's our day and we'll do what feels right for us.

Did you see the poll? 86 people voted. 86 people overwhelmingly said B-listing is one of the rudest things you can do. We aren't your friends, we aren't your family.  We have nothing at stake to keep our thoughts to ourselves. Your nearest and dearest will be judging you hard, and most of them will talk behind your back.  This summer, i am invited to an OOT wedding with a 7 hour gap.  I would NEVER tell the bride and groom my irritation with this. I am not the only person snarking about it, either. Just because your friends or family don't tell you, doesn't make it less heinous, it just means they have good manners.

I'm pretty sure that B-listing is in fact not the rudest thing that you can do, I think the rudest is actually pooping on the table.

But that being said...the other thing that might be the rudest thing is talking about your family and friends behind their back. Unless being two-faced is a part of wedding etiquette I didn't know about.

Right. Because I'm sure you'd respond better if your friend or family member walked up to you and said "You are treating me rudely as fuck." People know you'd respond so well, so they never avoid sharing their hurt to spare your feelings.

Ever try keeping your mouth shut? If it isn't your wedding then no one is obligating you to be there, so don't be there if you don't like it.

Ever tried not doing crappy things to people?   

I don't understand the logic that one should keep her mouth shut if someone is being rude and if something is truly terrible to just not go.

1) The concept of keeping one's mouth shut when something is astoundingly rude flies in the face of feminism and fighting for what's right.   It's generally only used now by those who basically only want to be surrounded by "yes" people.

I am so confused by you, it's feminist to tell people you that their wedding doesn't conform to what you believe they should have, but it's not feminist but terrible to have the wedding you want?

You may have exactly the wedding you want if you invite no guests. Once you invite guests, you have the obligation to treat them well. Even if that goes against your toddler temper tantrum "wants."

*************

"Toddler temper tantrum wants"? Are you f***ing kidding me?  There are more toddler temper tantrums on this board from the etiquette nazis here than anyone else. 

Etiquette is a guideline, it's not the be all and end all. And before someone decides to berate me and say that this is an etiquette board and blah blah blah... I know. I can read. The point is that people here just get out of control with making sure the "proper" thing is done which is not always the "right" thing to do. I am not sure why on earth this is so hard to comprehend. Unless of course all we're supposed to do here is fall in lock step and chant "one of us... one of us..." because it's certainly apparent that anyone who dares to think differently is not allowed here. 

For people who are so obsessed with acting nicely towards other and not being rude, there is certainly a lot of rudeness going on. 

I could not agree with you more! Is it rude that perfect strangers want to dictate what is allowed to happen at my wedding? Maybe I should post it in the etiquette forum...oh wait

I'm not getting it.   So you'd like to post that you're going to do something rude and the only response should be a cat farting rainbows? 

flantastic

sandstorm320 said:

notdoingitbythebook said:

flantastic said:

sandstorm320 said:

banana468 said:

flantastic said:

Knottie39204199 said:

themuffinman16 said:

Knottie39994948 said:

Man, we're doing so many of these supposed no nos!

We're having a dress code.  You must wear a costume.  If you don't, you will be asked to put on a provided mask before entering the venue.

We have a B-list.  Our venue is a finite space of 170.  We have more than 170 people we'd like to invite so unfortunately some people who we'd love to have there but aren't that close to have to be on a second string list.

We're having an unplugged ceremony and are requesting that all photos taken at the reception be uploaded to a shared facebook album we're putting up.  I don't feel that's obnoxious.  I want people to pay attention and be present.

Etiquette smetiquette.  It's our day and we'll do what feels right for us.

Did you see the poll? 86 people voted. 86 people overwhelmingly said B-listing is one of the rudest things you can do. We aren't your friends, we aren't your family.  We have nothing at stake to keep our thoughts to ourselves. Your nearest and dearest will be judging you hard, and most of them will talk behind your back.  This summer, i am invited to an OOT wedding with a 7 hour gap.  I would NEVER tell the bride and groom my irritation with this. I am not the only person snarking about it, either. Just because your friends or family don't tell you, doesn't make it less heinous, it just means they have good manners.

I'm pretty sure that B-listing is in fact not the rudest thing that you can do, I think the rudest is actually pooping on the table.

But that being said...the other thing that might be the rudest thing is talking about your family and friends behind their back. Unless being two-faced is a part of wedding etiquette I didn't know about.

Right. Because I'm sure you'd respond better if your friend or family member walked up to you and said "You are treating me rudely as fuck." People know you'd respond so well, so they never avoid sharing their hurt to spare your feelings.

Ever try keeping your mouth shut? If it isn't your wedding then no one is obligating you to be there, so don't be there if you don't like it.

Ever tried not doing crappy things to people?   

I don't understand the logic that one should keep her mouth shut if someone is being rude and if something is truly terrible to just not go.

1) The concept of keeping one's mouth shut when something is astoundingly rude flies in the face of feminism and fighting for what's right.   It's generally only used now by those who basically only want to be surrounded by "yes" people.

I am so confused by you, it's feminist to tell people you that their wedding doesn't conform to what you believe they should have, but it's not feminist but terrible to have the wedding you want?

You may have exactly the wedding you want if you invite no guests. Once you invite guests, you have the obligation to treat them well. Even if that goes against your toddler temper tantrum "wants."

*************

"Toddler temper tantrum wants"? Are you f***ing kidding me?  There are more toddler temper tantrums on this board from the etiquette nazis here than anyone else. 

Etiquette is a guideline, it's not the be all and end all. And before someone decides to berate me and say that this is an etiquette board and blah blah blah... I know. I can read. The point is that people here just get out of control with making sure the "proper" thing is done which is not always the "right" thing to do. I am not sure why on earth this is so hard to comprehend. Unless of course all we're supposed to do here is fall in lock step and chant "one of us... one of us..." because it's certainly apparent that anyone who dares to think differently is not allowed here. 

For people who are so obsessed with acting nicely towards other and not being rude, there is certainly a lot of rudeness going on. 

I could not agree with you more! Is it rude that perfect strangers want to dictate what is allowed to happen at my wedding? Maybe I should post it in the etiquette forum...oh wait

I am not fucking kidding you. You are totally welcome to do whatever you want at your wedding, because we have neither the ability or the energy to stop you. However, if you want people to stay friends with you after your wedding, learning to compromise a little of what you want so as not to treat them like crap (e.g., making them second tier guests not good enough for you to make room for them the first time, but there to fill seats and bring a gift if you discover the more important people can't come) might be a good thing.

sophhabobopha

BrinkyDink16 said:

notdoingitbythebook said:

sandstorm320 said:

banana468 said:

flantastic said:

Knottie39204199 said:

themuffinman16 said:

Knottie39994948 said:

"Toddler temper tantrum wants"? Are you f***ing kidding me?  There are more toddler temper tantrums on this board from the etiquette nazis here than anyone else. 

Etiquette is a guideline, it's not the be all and end all. And before someone decides to berate me and say that this is an etiquette board and blah blah blah... I know. I can read. The point is that people here just get out of control with making sure the "proper" thing is done which is not always the "right" thing to do. I am not sure why on earth this is so hard to comprehend. Unless of course all we're supposed to do here is fall in lock step and chant "one of us... one of us..." because it's certainly apparent that anyone who dares to think differently is not allowed here. 

For people who are so obsessed with acting nicely towards other and not being rude, there is certainly a lot of rudeness going on. 

^^^ This.  This right here.  The head of the nail has been hit.

It is so fucking rediculous to compare people who are into treating people correctly to people who aided a fucking GENOCIDE. 

Grow the fuck up.

flantastic

I can't understand where you think people are obligated to bring a gift to a wedding. Do people actually make out ahead due to gifts? Weddings are expensive as hell and I don't know anyone who is counting on enough gifts from their wedding to pay for the cost of meals. If I was expecting the gifts to cover the cost of the meal then every couple would have to give me at $200 in gifts, and that would put me even. I doubt that most of my guests can afford to do that. Having someone invited will always cost me more than not, so inviting someone a little later has nothing to do with gifts are everything to do with wanting them there.

But not enough to make it a priority to invite them the first time, so in some ways, yes, they're there to fill seats. If you truly wanted them at your wedding, you would have made the space. People are okay with knowing that they didn't make the cut, but not if you then try to give them a pity invite.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Puyd3UEWu2U

Sure, no one is ever obligated to send a gift, but it's a typical courtesy when one receives a wedding invitation. B-listing makes it look like you wanted to be sure that as many people got the invitation as possible, but don't actually care to create space for them to be there.

thespeshulestsnowflake

sandstorm320 said:

flantastic said:

I can't understand where you think people are obligated to bring a gift to a wedding. Do people actually make out ahead due to gifts? Weddings are expensive as hell and I don't know anyone who is counting on enough gifts from their wedding to pay for the cost of meals. If I was expecting the gifts to cover the cost of the meal then every couple would have to give me at $200 in gifts, and that would put me even. I doubt that most of my guests can afford to do that. Having someone invited will always cost me more than not, so inviting someone a little later has nothing to do with gifts are everything to do with wanting them there.

But not enough to make it a priority to invite them the first time, so in some ways, yes, they're there to fill seats. If you truly wanted them at your wedding, you would have made the space. People are okay with knowing that they didn't make the cut, but not if you then try to give them a pity invite.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Puyd3UEWu2U

Sure, no one is ever obligated to send a gift, but it's a typical courtesy when one receives a wedding invitation. B-listing makes it look like you wanted to be sure that as many people got the invitation as possible, but don't actually care to create space for them to be there.

I would almost agree with you, if venues didn't have space limits, brides did not have budgets, and family didn't have expectations. Maybe that cousin you don't talk to couldn't be invited because there wasn't space on the guest list. Then your bestest friend gets the job of her dreams halfway around the world but there is no way that she can afford to fly back for your wedding. But OH NOOOOOOOS! you've already sent out those pesky invites. Guess cousin still can't come because those invites already went out. Sorry cousin, etiquette dictates I don't have to see you.

_________boxes_____________

If your venue can hold only 200 people, only invite 200 people. Not that hard. Budget for what you can afford and the number of people you can properly host. Take out the extras. Not that hard. If your family is not paying, they don't get a say. Not that hard.

Why would you invite someone you don't talk to?

Cookie Pusher

sandstorm320 said:

I would almost agree with you, if venues didn't have space limits, brides did not have budgets, and family didn't have expectations. Maybe that cousin you don't talk to couldn't be invited because there wasn't space on the guest list. Then your bestest friend gets the job of her dreams halfway around the world but there is no way that she can afford to fly back for your wedding. But OH NOOOOOOOS! you've already sent out those pesky invites. Guess cousin still can't come because those invites already went out. Sorry cousin, etiquette dictates I don't have to see you.

Serious question: why would you invite someone you don't even talk to? We didn't invite any of the cousins we don't speak to, and still didn't invite them even after we got declines.

banana468

I don't understand the idea of finding a venue and then making your guest list.

We created a guest list and THEN started looking.   It eliminated a few venues that wouldn't hold everyone invited so even though they were really pretty (one was even on the grounds where DH proposed) we eliminated them right away.

The logic that the venue dictates the guest list is up there with couples who create alcohol like it's some afterthought. 

southernbelle0915

@sandstorm320 - Not one person here cares whether your violate etiquette. We are not the wedding police. No one is going to show up as you're addressing your b-list invitations and arrest you. 

But this is an etiquette board. And b-listing is against etiquette. So it's going to get called out as such. 

If you don't like the rule and you want to b-list and c-list and d-list your guests, feel free to do so. But just because you do it doesn't make it magically A-OK etiquette wise. Just because someone shits in the middle of a table doesn't magically mean that it's ok for everyone to start shitting on tables.

thespeshulestsnowflake

Also, stop blaming budget. Everyone has a budget. 

anjemon

sandstorm320 said:

Cookie Pusher said:

sandstorm320 said:

I would almost agree with you, if venues didn't have space limits, brides did not have budgets, and family didn't have expectations. Maybe that cousin you don't talk to couldn't be invited because there wasn't space on the guest list. Then your bestest friend gets the job of her dreams halfway around the world but there is no way that she can afford to fly back for your wedding. But OH NOOOOOOOS! you've already sent out those pesky invites. Guess cousin still can't come because those invites already went out. Sorry cousin, etiquette dictates I don't have to see you.

Serious question: why would you invite someone you don't even talk to? We didn't invite any of the cousins we don't speak to, and still didn't invite them even after we got declines.

This goes back to that family expectation thingy that was just slightly above. "Family doesn't pay then they don't get a say?" Well then I will absolutely be having a WoW themed wedding with an Easter egg hunt reception because you know what, I'm paying and it's my party. The guests sure aren't. 

I'm so confused. I feel like you're deliberately misquoting.

Because "If they pay, they get a say" only applies to things that are not rude to your guests. If your mother paid for the wedding and she wants to invite 20 people, then she can. But if she wants to invite 20 more people then the venue can hold, you need to have a serious talk with her. I don't think we ever advocate letting people do things just because they paid money if it's not within the bounds of what is acceptable to your guests.

Also, you (general you) are paying for the reception. But it is being held as a thank you to your guests for coming (I know someone said this before). So a WoW themed reception is fine, as long as there is food and chairs for everyone and no required costumes. And they feel that you appreciate them coming to see your momentous occasion. I would probably enjoy a good Easter egg hunt.

[Deleted User]

Cookie Pusher said:

sandstorm320 said:

I would almost agree with you, if venues didn't have space limits, brides did not have budgets, and family didn't have expectations. Maybe that cousin you don't talk to couldn't be invited because there wasn't space on the guest list. Then your bestest friend gets the job of her dreams halfway around the world but there is no way that she can afford to fly back for your wedding. But OH NOOOOOOOS! you've already sent out those pesky invites. Guess cousin still can't come because those invites already went out. Sorry cousin, etiquette dictates I don't have to see you.

Serious question: why would you invite someone you don't even talk to? We didn't invite any of the cousins we don't speak to, and still didn't invite them even after we got declines.

Yes!  I have four cousins at least that I won't be inviting.  The oldest is 14 years younger than me and I just have zero in common with the lot of them.  I see them every year at the family reunion.  We have fun sitting around the table playing Settlers of Catan together.  But I know nothing of substance about any of them and just can't see inviting all four of them with their SOs when I just don't know them nor do I care to know them better.

NowIAmSyp

BrinkyDink16 said:

sandstorm320 said:

banana468 said:

flantastic said:

Knottie39204199 said:

themuffinman16 said:

Knottie39994948 said:

You may have exactly the wedding you want if you invite no guests. Once you invite guests, you have the obligation to treat them well. Even if that goes against your toddler temper tantrum "wants."

I just have to say this makes exactly 0 amount of sense to me.  A wedding is about two people coming together and making a commitment.  It's about the couple, not about the guests.  We are planning our wedding for US and we're extending the invitation to people we care about to come and share that day with us.  If they don't want to come, for whatever reason, than that is up to them.  As long as my fiance and the officiant show up then I'm a happy camper.  I'd love it if we have a full house but if we don't we'll still be married at the end of the day and we'll still have the day WE wanted.

------- BOXES --------------

Yes, the ceremony is about the couple- but the reception is about the GUESTS- to thank the guests for coming to witness your marriage, and to celebrate.  It ABSOLUTELY becomes about them...  

Viczaesar

BrinkyDink16 said:

flantastic said:

sandstorm320 said:

banana468 said:

flantastic said:

Knottie39204199 said:

themuffinman16 said:

Knottie39994948 said:

You may have exactly the wedding you want if you invite no guests. Once you invite guests, you have the obligation to treat them well. Even if that goes against your toddler temper tantrum "wants."

I just have to say this makes exactly 0 amount of sense to me.  A wedding is about two people coming together and making a commitment.  It's about the couple, not about the guests.  We are planning our wedding for US and we're extending the invitation to people we care about to come and share that day with us.  If they don't want to come, for whatever reason, than that is up to them.  As long as my fiance and the officiant show up then I'm a happy camper.  I'd love it if we have a full house but if we don't we'll still be married at the end of the day and we'll still have the day WE wanted.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well that certainly explains a lot about your ridiculous and rude wedding plans.  Here's where you're wrong.  If you host an event, whatever that event is, you have an obligation not to act like a rude jerk to the guests that you invite.  You, as the host, are required to put your guests' comfort and needs ahead of your own.  If you are not willing and able to do that you should not be hosting anything.  If you want the day to only be about the two of you, do not invite anybody else to attend.  This is the most basic of social etiquette.  The fact that what you're inviting them to is a wedding in no way negates your obligation to be a decent host.

This is not actually an onerous task - it's not difficult at all to be a good host.  Not being an asshole is easy as hell. 

Viczaesar

sandstorm320 said:

Cookie Pusher said:

sandstorm320 said:

I would almost agree with you, if venues didn't have space limits, brides did not have budgets, and family didn't have expectations. Maybe that cousin you don't talk to couldn't be invited because there wasn't space on the guest list. Then your bestest friend gets the job of her dreams halfway around the world but there is no way that she can afford to fly back for your wedding. But OH NOOOOOOOS! you've already sent out those pesky invites. Guess cousin still can't come because those invites already went out. Sorry cousin, etiquette dictates I don't have to see you.

Serious question: why would you invite someone you don't even talk to? We didn't invite any of the cousins we don't speak to, and still didn't invite them even after we got declines.

This goes back to that family expectation thingy that was just slightly above. "Family doesn't pay then they don't get a say?" Well then I will absolutely be having a WoW themed wedding with an Easter egg hunt reception because you know what, I'm paying and it's my party. The guests sure aren't. 

Logic fail.

BrinkyDink16

Viczaesar said:

BrinkyDink16 said:

flantastic said:

sandstorm320 said:

banana468 said:

flantastic said:

Knottie39204199 said:

themuffinman16 said:

Knottie39994948 said:

You may have exactly the wedding you want if you invite no guests. Once you invite guests, you have the obligation to treat them well. Even if that goes against your toddler temper tantrum "wants."

I just have to say this makes exactly 0 amount of sense to me.  A wedding is about two people coming together and making a commitment.  It's about the couple, not about the guests.  We are planning our wedding for US and we're extending the invitation to people we care about to come and share that day with us.  If they don't want to come, for whatever reason, than that is up to them.  As long as my fiance and the officiant show up then I'm a happy camper.  I'd love it if we have a full house but if we don't we'll still be married at the end of the day and we'll still have the day WE wanted.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well that certainly explains a lot about your ridiculous and rude wedding plans.  Here's where you're wrong.  If you host an event, whatever that event is, you have an obligation not to act like a rude jerk to the guests that you invite.  You, as the host, are required to put your guests' comfort and needs ahead of your own.  If you are not willing and able to do that you should not be hosting anything.  If you want the day to only be about the two of you, do not invite anybody else to attend.  This is the most basic of social etiquette.  The fact that what you're inviting them to is a wedding in no way negates your obligation to be a decent host.

This is not actually an onerous task - it's not difficult at all to be a good host.  Not being an asshole is easy as hell. 


I'm still not understanding what exactly it is we're doing that's rude to our guests?  We're doing everything in our power to have a fun, unique celebration that reflects who we are as a couple.  We're having cool decor, an open bar, an awesome buffet of good down home style food, we rented nicer chairs than the venue provided, we're having a kick ass bleeding cake, a fun trivia game, great music, Karaoke and are basically provided guests with every single thing they need to have a good time.  We're pretty awesome hosts actually.

themosthappy91

Oh lordy, this thread took off...

I think some people here (@sandstorm320, @Brinkydink16, @notdoingitbythebook) have a basic misconception of what HOSTING means. Let me try to break this down for you as much as possible:

When you HOST something, you are obligated to put the comfort of your guests first. Obviously there are limits as to how far one should take this obligation- if a guest is vegan, for example, you'll want to provide some vegan food for him/her to eat, but you don't need to adhere to a vegan-only menu for the entire event.

Most everyone can agree that being mindful of your guests' comfort involves, in its most basic sense, making sure everyone has something they are not morally opposed to or physically incapable of eating, and making sure everyone has somewhere to sit.  Additionally, social convention (you know, like the ones that dictate that you shouldn't "poop on the table") further requires that couples always be invited to social events as a unit.

These are the basic rules of hosting, and they apply to all types of social events (not just weddings).  When you extend an invitation to host people, you enter into a contract to fulfill these obligations.  

Alternatively, you may choose to elope and have a wedding that is truly "your day".  

The reality is, you may believe that the women here are horrible wretched hags who just enjoy playing "manners police", and that your friends and family would never be so judgmental, but I promise you that is not true.  If you choose not to invite SO's, there will be at least a handful of people who feel disrespected by that decision.  If you choose to B-list, there will at the very least be one or two that think less of you for it.  If you require people to wear a costume to attend your wedding, I assure you that many who say nothing to your face will roll their eyes behind your back.  If you are willing to run the risk of alienating or losing as a friend even one of your guests, then by all means, go ahead with these plans.  Just don't make a mistake of thinking that's a "them-problem" and not a "you-problem", because you will be the one in the wrong.  

Viczaesar

BrinkyDink16 said:

Viczaesar said:

BrinkyDink16 said:

flantastic said:

sandstorm320 said:

banana468 said:

flantastic said:

Knottie39204199 said:

themuffinman16 said:

Knottie39994948 said:

You may have exactly the wedding you want if you invite no guests. Once you invite guests, you have the obligation to treat them well. Even if that goes against your toddler temper tantrum "wants."

I just have to say this makes exactly 0 amount of sense to me.  A wedding is about two people coming together and making a commitment.  It's about the couple, not about the guests.  We are planning our wedding for US and we're extending the invitation to people we care about to come and share that day with us.  If they don't want to come, for whatever reason, than that is up to them.  As long as my fiance and the officiant show up then I'm a happy camper.  I'd love it if we have a full house but if we don't we'll still be married at the end of the day and we'll still have the day WE wanted.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well that certainly explains a lot about your ridiculous and rude wedding plans.  Here's where you're wrong.  If you host an event, whatever that event is, you have an obligation not to act like a rude jerk to the guests that you invite.  You, as the host, are required to put your guests' comfort and needs ahead of your own.  If you are not willing and able to do that you should not be hosting anything.  If you want the day to only be about the two of you, do not invite anybody else to attend.  This is the most basic of social etiquette.  The fact that what you're inviting them to is a wedding in no way negates your obligation to be a decent host.

This is not actually an onerous task - it's not difficult at all to be a good host.  Not being an asshole is easy as hell. 

I'm still not understanding what exactly it is we're doing that's rude to our guests?  We're doing everything in our power to have a fun, unique celebration that reflects who we are as a couple.  We're having cool decor, an open bar, an awesome buffet of good down home style food, we rented nicer chairs than the venue provided, we're having a kick ass bleeding cake, a fun trivia game, great music, Karaoke and are basically provided guests with every single thing they need to have a good time.  We're pretty awesome hosts actually.


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
No, you're not pretty awesome hosts.  Doing some stuff right does not cancel out the horrendously rude things you're doing in other places.

This has already been explained to you ad nauseum, but here, I'll do a recap:

1.  Required costumes.  It is rude to tell your guests how to dress.  The only time it is acceptable is when your venue has clothing requirements (e.g. jacket and tie at a country club) or if you are having a true black tie event, in which case you simply inform the guests that you're having a black tie affair and they still get to decide how they want to dress.  It's fine if you want to invite your guests to wear a costume if they want, and if you have extra masks available for people to decide whether they want to put one on.  It is absolutely not okay to tell your guests that they must.  Why are you trying to force this on your guests?

2a.  B-listing your guests.  Incredibly rude.  All of your guests should be treated equally.  Make one list and invite all of those people to all aspects of the wedding.  Anything else is treating your guests unequally.  Everybody has to deal with large potential guest lists and room capacity issues.  You're not special.  Make the tough decisions and don't invite people you don't actually want there in the first place. 

2b.  Having a ridiculously early RSVP date (and in your case, dates) in order to accommodate your rude B-listing and also to accommodate your DIY projects.  Not an acceptable excuse to expect people to respond abnormally early.  STDs were invented so that people can know the date before the 6-8 weeks before the wedding that invitations should be sent at.  RSVP dates should be ~2-3 weeks before the wedding, basically about a week before you need to give your final numbers to the caterer.  Giving people the appropriate amount of time to respond to your invitation is an important social courtesy.  In addition, many people do not know whether they are available to attend an event in 2-3 months, either for personal reasons or work reasons (or both).  Asking them to guess earlier leads to either assumptions that they'll be able to make it work, which may end up being wrong, or then having to decline because they don't know if they can get the time off, when if you had had a reasonable invitation send date and RSVP date wouldn't have happened.  Don't be so disrespectful of your guests' schedules. 

3.  Unplugged ceremony.  Again, stop trying to micromanage your guests.  You don't get to tell them what to do with their phones.  Unless your ceremony space has restrictions (e.g. my cousin's church doesn't allow flash photography), which is like the dress code situation, you should respect your guests enough to let them decide their own behavior, like the adults they are.  They are your honored guests, not merely passive witnesses.  It's fine to ask your guests nicely to upload any photos they take to your facebook album, however, just like it's fine to give your guests the option of wearing a costume.  Just don't demand and you're in the clear.

4.  Registering for gift cards.  Registering for money is rude, no matter how you couch it.  Do not tell your guests you want cash.  People are not stupid.  If you don't want physical gifts then just don't register.  People will get the clue, and if they're inclined to give cash (not everyone is) they'll figure out how to buy you a gift card or write you a check because they're adults and capable of figuring that shit out.  If you want to let people know where you like to shop for household goods then register for a handful of items from that store.  Again, people are not stupid and will get the hint if they are inclined to follow it, and this has the additional benefit of giving the people who are not comfortable giving cash an idea of what your taste is.

The things that you're planning that don't affect your guests?  Those are fine, even if they're not everyone's style - your red and leopard print dress, the costumes you and the wedding party are planning on wearing, your horror movie centerpieces, haunted house invitations, tomb stone place cards, etc.  They do not affect the choices and comfort of your guests so they're fine, even if they're unusual.  Where you go wrong is when you start trying to manipulate your guests.  If you changed a few aspects of your wedding you would be having a lovely, not-rude event.