Which Is The Worst Etiquette Mistake?

banana468

At this point, I think @BrinkyDink16 is fully aware of what is and isn't OK and now she's just trolling.

southernbelle0915

banana468 said:

At this point, I think @BrinkyDink16 is fully aware of what is and isn't OK and now she's just trolling.

Yup. A reminder @BrinkyDink16, trolling is against the Terms of Service of this community.

BrinkyDink16

Well, then it's a good thing I'm not trolling.  I genuinely do not feel that anything my fiance and I are planning for our wedding is in any way, shape or form, rude to our guests.

Telling them to wear costumes to a Halloween party on Halloween is perfectly acceptable, at least in our social circle it is.  Inviting friends at a later date because an obligatory invitee declined is also acceptable to our circle of friends and is standard practice.  Asking them to give us plenty of notice as to their attendance is not only convenient to us due to informing our vendors, creating our centerpieces, etc. but it's convenient to them in order to request time off of work or make travel or child care arrangements.  Asking them to put away their electronic devices during a performance (because our ceremony is much more in keeping with our theatrical background since we aren't religious) is also pretty standard.  Letting guests know what we'd like as a gift (because they're going to bring one even if we tell them not to) is the same as making a birthday or Christmas list.

I suppose we just have to agree to disagree because it's apparent that we have a completely different philosophies about who a wedding is for than many of you do, and that's cool.  To each is own.  But this day is about my FH and I.  Our personalities, our likes, our interests and we're inviting people to take part in that and should they choose to come they will have a memorable experience and wonderful time.

themosthappy91

BrinkyDink16 said:

Well, then it's a good thing I'm not trolling.  I genuinely do not feel that anything my fiance and I are planning for our wedding is in any way, shape or form, rude to our guests.

Telling them to wear costumes to a Halloween party on Halloween is perfectly acceptable, at least in our social circle it is.  Inviting friends at a later date because an obligatory invitee declined is also acceptable to our circle of friends and is standard practice.  Asking them to give us plenty of notice as to their attendance is not only convenient to us due to informing our vendors, creating our centerpieces, etc. but it's convenient to them in order to request time off of work or make travel or child care arrangements.  Asking them to put away their electronic devices during a performance (because our ceremony is much more in keeping with our theatrical background since we aren't religious) is also pretty standard.  Letting guests know what we'd like as a gift (because they're going to bring one even if we tell them not to) is the same as making a birthday or Christmas list.

I suppose we just have to agree to disagree because it's apparent that we have a completely different philosophies about who a wedding is for than many of you do, and that's cool.  To each is own.  But this day is about my FH and I.  Our personalities, our likes, our interests and we're inviting people to take part in that and should they choose to come they will have a memorable experience and wonderful time.

Oh good lord.  Well that explains a lot.  Describing your marriage ceremony as a "performance" is one of the most distasteful things I've seen on here.

Anyway, do what you want, but trust me that some of your family and friends will think poorly of you for this.  

Viczaesar

BrinkyDink16 said:

Well, then it's a good thing I'm not trolling.  I genuinely do not feel that anything my fiance and I are planning for our wedding is in any way, shape or form, rude to our guests.

Telling them to wear costumes to a Halloween party on Halloween is perfectly acceptable, at least in our social circle it is.  Your wedding reception is NOT just a Halloween party.  First and foremost it's a reception - where you RECEIVE your guests and thank them from coming.  It is absolutely inappropriate to make clothing demands on your guests at an event designed specifically for thanking them.  Tell me something - if your friends and family are so into wearing costumes, why do you feel the need to have the wording of requirement on your invitations?  Why would you take the chance of offending someone or making them feel uncomfortable when you don't think any of your guests would mind wearing a costume?  Just mention it as an option and you're fine.  So why not do that?  Inviting friends at a later date because an obligatory invitee declined is also acceptable to our circle of friends and is standard practice.  Nothing is universal.  Guaranteed there is someone on your guest list that would be offended, EVEN IF they never announced that to you.  Treating people badly because they're used to it is a shite move.  Asking them to give us plenty of notice as to their attendance is not only convenient to us due to informing our vendors, creating our centerpieces, etc. but it's convenient to them in order to request time off of work or make travel or child care arrangements.  No, it's not.  Many, many people simply cannot ask off that early and will not know until closer to the event whether they can make it.  If they need the information earlier because their job requires asking months ahead of time, THAT IS WHAT STDs ARE FOR.  Asking them to put away their electronic devices during a performance (because our ceremony is much more in keeping with our theatrical background since we aren't religious) is also pretty standard.  Your ceremony is not a performance.  People are not paying to attend.  They are INVITED by you to be your honored guests and watch and support you while you get legally married.  Letting guests know what we'd like as a gift (because they're going to bring one even if we tell them not to) is the same as making a birthday or Christmas list.  No, it's goddamn well not.  Birthday or Christmas =/= wedding, and you should not be advertizing what gifts you want at any of the above anyway.  If someone asks you what you want you can say that you're saving up for a big purchase at XYZ store.  But registering for gift cards is a douche move, full stop. 

I suppose we just have to agree to disagree because it's apparent that we have a completely different philosophies about who a wedding is for than many of you do, and that's cool.  To each is own.  But this day is about my FH and I.  ONLY IF YOU DON'T INVITE OTHER PEOPLE.  This is not your 15 minutes of fame.  Treating your friends and family well should be your first concern, not your last.  Our personalities, our likes, our interests and we're inviting people to take part in that and should they choose to come they will have a memorable experience and wonderful time.

It's not cool, actually, because you're here on the etiquette board giving out shitty advice that is against etiquette.  You want to be act like a shit to your own guests?  Fine, have at it.  We've tried to help, for their sake.  No one can force you not to be an shitty host.  But for fuck's sake, stop trying to drag other people down into shitty hostdom with you.

flantastic

BrinkyDink16 said:

Well, then it's a good thing I'm not trolling.  I genuinely do not feel that anything my fiance and I are planning for our wedding is in any way, shape or form, rude to our guests.

Telling them to wear costumes to a Halloween party on Halloween is perfectly acceptable, at least in our social circle it is.  Your wedding reception is NOT just a Halloween party.  First and foremost it's a reception - where you RECEIVE your guests and thank them from coming.  It is absolutely inappropriate to make clothing demands on your guests at an event designed specifically for thanking them.  Tell me something - if your friends and family are so into wearing costumes, why do you feel the need to have the wording of requirement on your invitations?  Why would you take the chance of offending someone or making them feel uncomfortable when you don't think any of your guests would mind wearing a costume?  Just mention it as an option and you're fine.  So why not do that?  Inviting friends at a later date because an obligatory invitee declined is also acceptable to our circle of friends and is standard practice.  Nothing is universal.  Guaranteed there is someone on your guest list that would be offended, EVEN IF they never announced that to you.  Treating people badly because they're used to it is a shite move.  Asking them to give us plenty of notice as to their attendance is not only convenient to us due to informing our vendors, creating our centerpieces, etc. but it's convenient to them in order to request time off of work or make travel or child care arrangements.  No, it's not.  Many, many people simply cannot ask off that early and will not know until closer to the event whether they can make it.  If they need the information earlier because their job requires asking months ahead of time, THAT IS WHAT STDs ARE FOR.  Asking them to put away their electronic devices during a performance (because our ceremony is much more in keeping with our theatrical background since we aren't religious) is also pretty standard.  Your ceremony is not a performance.  People are not paying to attend.  They are INVITED by you to be your honored guests and watch and support you while you get legally married.  Letting guests know what we'd like as a gift (because they're going to bring one even if we tell them not to) is the same as making a birthday or Christmas list.  No, it's goddamn well not.  Birthday or Christmas =/= wedding, and you should not be advertizing what gifts you want at any of the above anyway.  If someone asks you what you want you can say that you're saving up for a big purchase at XYZ store.  But registering for gift cards is a douche move, full stop. 

I suppose we just have to agree to disagree because it's apparent that we have a completely different philosophies about who a wedding is for than many of you do, and that's cool.  To each is own.  But this day is about my FH and I.  ONLY IF YOU DON'T INVITE OTHER PEOPLE.  This is not your 15 minutes of fame.  Treating your friends and family well should be your first concern, not your last.  Our personalities, our likes, our interests and we're inviting people to take part in that and should they choose to come they will have a memorable experience and wonderful time.

It's not cool, actually, because you're here on the etiquette board giving out shitty advice that is against etiquette.  You want to be act like a shit to your own guests?  Fine, have at it.  We've tried to help, for their sake.  No one can force you not to be an shitty host.  But for fuck's sake, stop trying to drag other people down into shitty hostdom with you.

But it'll make her feel better about how shitty she's being. And the whole process is about her, so why not?

BrinkyDink16

themosthappy91 said:

BrinkyDink16 said:

Oh good lord.  Well that explains a lot.  Describing your marriage ceremony as a "performance" is one of the most distasteful things I've seen on here.

Anyway, do what you want, but trust me that some of your family and friends will think poorly of you for this.  

I'm not just "describing" it as a performance, that's what it is.  We both have a long background in area community theater so our ceremony takes all of that into account.  We have sound clips, sight gags, readings from Monty Python, that bit from Beetlejuice where our BM is going to start pulling random shit out of his pockets before he "finds" our rings.  It's going to be hysterical and no one will think poorly of us.  Our friends and family know who we are and would expect nothing less than a theatrical event.  If we had really wanted to shock them we would've gone the other way and done a solemn traditional service instead.  I don't think it's distasteful to give our guests something that they'll always remember instead of the same thing they've seen time and time again.

Jen4948

BrinkyDink16 said:

themosthappy91 said:

BrinkyDink16 said:

Oh good lord.  Well that explains a lot.  Describing your marriage ceremony as a "performance" is one of the most distasteful things I've seen on here.

Anyway, do what you want, but trust me that some of your family and friends will think poorly of you for this.  

I'm not just "describing" it as a performance, that's what it is.  We both have a long background in area community theater so our ceremony takes all of that into account.  We have sound clips, sight gags, readings from Monty Python, that bit from Beetlejuice where our BM is going to start pulling random shit out of his pockets before he "finds" our rings.  It's going to be hysterical and no one will think poorly of us.  Our friends and family know who we are and would expect nothing less than a theatrical event.  If we had really wanted to shock them we would've gone the other way and done a solemn traditional service instead.  I don't think it's distasteful to give our guests something that they'll always remember instead of the same thing they've seen time and time again.

What they'll always remember about your wedding is how you were so busy stroking your ego at their expense that for them the "experience" was paying a lot of money while you treated them like shit because you didn't care about their needs and had no empathy.

[Deleted User]

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japlanet

Hahaha. I went to a wedding like that with all the 'inside jokes' and 'performance' aspect to it. The couple thought they were being so funny! unique! memorable! and everyone there (including all of their theatre/alt friends) were all like, WTF is this a wedding ceremony?

It was all anyone could talk about when the BP was gone (FOR 2.5 HOURS) for photos, leaving us with the hot sun, drinks and a little bit of food - and lots of time to talk about how ridiculous the whole ceremony had been. Reactions ranged from "well, the each their own I guess, but yeah, super weird" to being straight out offended that the couple had made a mockery of what were supposedly solemn vows of lifelong commitment.

Jen4948

sandstorm320 said:

japlanet said:

Hahaha. I went to a wedding like that with all the 'inside jokes' and 'performance' aspect to it. The couple thought they were being so funny! unique! memorable! and everyone there (including all of their theatre/alt friends) were all like, WTF is this a wedding ceremony?

It was all anyone could talk about when the BP was gone (FOR 2.5 HOURS) for photos, leaving us with the hot sun, drinks and a little bit of food - and lots of time to talk about how ridiculous the whole ceremony had been. Reactions ranged from "well, the each their own I guess, but yeah, super weird" to being straight out offended that the couple had made a mockery of what were supposedly solemn vows of lifelong commitment.

Leave me out of any form of solemn lifelong commitment. I want my life from my wedding forward to be the complete opposite of solemn, so why would I start with it. FH and I enjoy life and don't actually want to hate our wedding so I doubt there will be much solemnity in our ceremony either.

While a wedding is supposed to be enjoyable for the couple, it is also a public act that is supposed to demonstrate that the couple are taking on specified social roles, so it calls for mature behavior. It's not a gigglefest, because neither is life.

I said it before and I'll say it again. Grow up. You're not Peter Pan.

JoanE2012

BrinkyDink16 said:

Well, then it's a good thing I'm not trolling.  I genuinely do not feel that anything my fiance and I are planning for our wedding is in any way, shape or form, rude to our guests.

Telling them to wear costumes to a Halloween party on Halloween is perfectly acceptable, at least in our social circle it is.  Inviting friends at a later date because an obligatory invitee declined is also acceptable to our circle of friends and is standard practice.  Asking them to give us plenty of notice as to their attendance is not only convenient to us due to informing our vendors, creating our centerpieces, etc. but it's convenient to them in order to request time off of work or make travel or child care arrangements.  Asking them to put away their electronic devices during a performance (because our ceremony is much more in keeping with our theatrical background since we aren't religious) is also pretty standard.  Letting guests know what we'd like as a gift (because they're going to bring one even if we tell them not to) is the same as making a birthday or Christmas list.

I suppose we just have to agree to disagree because it's apparent that we have a completely different philosophies about who a wedding is for than many of you do, and that's cool.  To each is own.  But this day is about my FH and I.  Our personalities, our likes, our interests and we're inviting people to take part in that and should they choose to come they will have a memorable experience and wonderful time.

Sigh.  Some people will just never get it.  But hey, it's weddings like this that give my friends and family something to reminisce about (and not in a good way) for years to come!   

[Deleted User]

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themosthappy91

sandstorm320 said:

themosthappy91 said:

BrinkyDink16 said:

Well, then it's a good thing I'm not trolling.  I genuinely do not feel that anything my fiance and I are planning for our wedding is in any way, shape or form, rude to our guests.

Telling them to wear costumes to a Halloween party on Halloween is perfectly acceptable, at least in our social circle it is.  Inviting friends at a later date because an obligatory invitee declined is also acceptable to our circle of friends and is standard practice.  Asking them to give us plenty of notice as to their attendance is not only convenient to us due to informing our vendors, creating our centerpieces, etc. but it's convenient to them in order to request time off of work or make travel or child care arrangements.  Asking them to put away their electronic devices during a performance (because our ceremony is much more in keeping with our theatrical background since we aren't religious) is also pretty standard.  Letting guests know what we'd like as a gift (because they're going to bring one even if we tell them not to) is the same as making a birthday or Christmas list.

I suppose we just have to agree to disagree because it's apparent that we have a completely different philosophies about who a wedding is for than many of you do, and that's cool.  To each is own.  But this day is about my FH and I.  Our personalities, our likes, our interests and we're inviting people to take part in that and should they choose to come they will have a memorable experience and wonderful time.

Oh good lord.  Well that explains a lot.  Describing your marriage ceremony as a "performance" is one of the most distasteful things I've seen on here.

Anyway, do what you want, but trust me that some of your family and friends will think poorly of you for this.  

I really don't think you are qualified to say what someone else's family will think or say about anything. It's not your cup of tea, and that's fine but really I don't see why people on this forum have this pathological need to put down anyone with an original idea. This thread was about your views about certain ideas and @BrinkyDink16 offered her opinion. End of story. You don't agree and that's fine. You don't know her, you don't know anything about her and neither do I. I won't be at her wedding and neither will you.

I mean, statistically this is just a fact.  Most people find these things to be rude.  There's just very little chance that all of your guests are going to be "the exception to the rule".  Can I guarantee it?  No.  But I'd certainly bet money on it- and the fact is, you'll never know because while you're busy reassuring yourself "My friends and family WANT me to have my perfect day, they totally understand and support me!" they'll be thinking you're a jerk but will actually have the manners not to say it.  

At any rate, it sounds to me like Binky's wedding will be VERY memorable for her guests, so if that's the whole point, mission accomplished.  Unfortunately, they'll be remembering how poorly treated they were rather than some quirky references to Beetle Juice or whatever.

banana468

sandstorm320 said:

japlanet said:

Hahaha. I went to a wedding like that with all the 'inside jokes' and 'performance' aspect to it. The couple thought they were being so funny! unique! memorable! and everyone there (including all of their theatre/alt friends) were all like, WTF is this a wedding ceremony?

It was all anyone could talk about when the BP was gone (FOR 2.5 HOURS) for photos, leaving us with the hot sun, drinks and a little bit of food - and lots of time to talk about how ridiculous the whole ceremony had been. Reactions ranged from "well, the each their own I guess, but yeah, super weird" to being straight out offended that the couple had made a mockery of what were supposedly solemn vows of lifelong commitment.

Leave me out of any form of solemn lifelong commitment. I want my life from my wedding forward to be the complete opposite of solemn, so why would I start with it. FH and I enjoy life and don't actually want to hate our wedding so I doubt there will be much solemnity in our ceremony either.

I think some people think that solemn needs to mean sad. That's hardly the only definition of the word. Many simply mean that if you're making a lifetime commitment to someone, it deserves to be treated seriously and not like you're mocking it.

That said, of all the things that I'm OK with it's customizing your ceremony. As long as you're not doing rude things (making me stand, starting late, making me be outside when it's too hot/cold or making insulting statements) I think that if a Monty Python reverence in your ceremony is part of who you are then go for it. It's your ceremony and they are your vows.

The reception is for your guests though. So once it begins the spectacle costume portion isn't OK. The only thing you should be asking your guests to do is show up.

BrinkyDink16

banana468 said:

sandstorm320 said:

I think some people think that solemn needs to mean sad. That's hardly the only definition of the word. Many simply mean that if you're making a lifetime commitment to someone, it deserves to be treated seriously and not like you're mocking it.

That said, of all the things that I'm OK with it's customizing your ceremony. As long as you're not doing rude things (making me stand, starting late, making me be outside when it's too hot/cold or making insulting statements) I think that if a Monty Python reverence in your ceremony is part of who you are then go for it. It's your ceremony and they are your vows.

The reception is for your guests though. So once it begins the spectacle costume portion isn't OK. The only thing you should be asking your guests to do is show up.

Thank you!  Our guests won't have to endure any of that nonsense.  Our ceremony has humor throughout but there's a nice segue from the funny to the serious.  My college theater director will be reading Sonnet 91 and then we'll do our hand fasting ceremony with very nice vows that we chose.  We went with these six vows:

1.  Will you honor and respect each other, and seek never to break that honor?
2. Will you be each others constant friend, and one true love?
3. Will you seek to ease each others pain and suffering, and share in each others joy and laughter?
4. Will you stand by each other in sickness and in health, in plenty and in want?
5. Will you love one another without reservation?
6. Will you honor each other as equals in this union?

As we make each vow one of our binding cords will be placed over our hands and then all will be tied into a knot at the end.  This is how we're paying tribute to our shared Celtic heritage.  Then we have the ring exchange, and then finally we slide back into some humor with a re-written Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch speech leading up to the kiss.  "On the count of three ... one, two, five!"  Then our bridal party shouts "THREE!", we kiss, and Tocata n Fugue plays us out.  So it's a nice balance of humor and more serious aspects.

banana468

Look, I don't think it's my cup of tea and I think it could ruffle some feathers but at least the ceremony is yours.

It has been explained repeatedly about what is and isn't OK with the rest of your planning. 

AddieCake

How come Sandstorm gets to call people Nazis, but I can't say someone is insane?

lyndausvi

I will never understand why vision can't be accomplished along with properly hosting people.  Some people on here seem to thinks it's a either or thing.

Yeah, no.   I had a vision of having a beach wedding. Being barefoot. DH had a vision of not wearing a suit.   We had a vision of people having a great time.  Our venue was on a beach. Even had shuffle board courts if people wanted to play.     At least in my family, our wedding was unique.  Both sides are use to your standard Catholic wedding.

We still managed to have chairs for everyone.  We had more then the appropriate amount of food for the time of day. We had some fun stuff like sushi, but also stand-by favorites like steak.  We didn't make them open their wallets (open bar).  We didn't make them wait for hours on end between the ceremony the cocktail hour (there was no wait).  We didn't make them wait for hours on end while we took pictures. 

It's possible to have a special and unique ceremony that reflects your tastes and still properly host your guests.

True story.

 

julieanne912

This thread has been interesting.  Here's what I remember about the last two weddings I attended:

#1 was a Friday evening in a hotel.  Not a problem.  I came alone as I traveled from out of state and was single. The ceremony was actually quite nice.  But you know what I remember the most about it?  I was seated in the very back of the reception room with a bunch of other randoms who knew nobody else.  It was awkward.  The bar was only open for the first hour, after that, cash.  I didn't have any cash with me as we didn't know ahead of time that it was cash bar.  I remember wishing I could have seen their first dance, but couldn't because of where I was seated.

#2 was my cousin's wedding.  Beautiful location in Temecula, however, it was a half hour from the nearest hotel.  No shuttle.  Nice ceremony, although my other cousin (bride's brother) gave a long winded speech and it was hot out.  They had a bar, but told us nobody but the bridal party could get drinks until after the ceremony was over.  The dinner setting was nice, although pretty crowded as I think she might have invited over the max.  However, we had no idea there was dancing as it was occuring over in the ceremony area, out of everyone's sight.  We just drank a lot of beer and wine.  Thankfully, my stepdad decided to not drink so we all had a ride back to the hotel.  Otherwise I probably wouldn't have drank so I could have driven us all home due to no shuttle.  

So at least to me, people will remember the negatives no matter how funny, original, cool, etc. your wedding is.  And I would DEFINITELY be pissed if I got invited to a wedding and they didn't invite my FI.  Why should I go celebrate your relationship if you're being an asshole about mine?

sophhabobopha

JoanE2012

Where did Sandstorm's posts go?

themosthappy91

That's a really good question... I thought posts could no longer be deleted, even if the user requests that their account be deleted?  Is that not the case @Liastris2010 ?

sophhabobopha

Where did her GBCK go? Deleted?

photokitty

Sandstorm's account is being looked in to by the admins and during that time her posts are not visible. They have not been deleted.

Liatris2010

Photokitty is correct.

Rachel2017

Not inviting SO's is the rudest thing.... followed by an unhosted gap.