Just Needing Some Emotional Support

edited April 2015 in Plus-Sized
I'm not 100% sure there is the right board to be posting on, but I really just needed a place to get some of this out.

My wedding is on September 4 and I am just getting around to buying a dress.  I have an appointment set up for a local bridal store on May 9.  I have been tearing up every time I start thinking about it.

I had a gastric bypass in December 2013.  I've lost a good amount of weight, but never quite as much as I was told I would lose.  I went from a size 20 to a size 14, which is great, except I still see myself as that 20 and have been feeling really discouraged that I won't be that size 8 bride I always pictured in my head.  I can't seem to see the size difference when I look in a the mirror, even if I do in pictures (including some before surgery pics in the post and one from today, since people have asked before what the difference from the surgery was).

I feel like I'm going to see myself in a wedding dress and start crying in front of people.  Part of this is just emotions about the wedding anyway, I know.  My parents are older and my dad has some serious medical issues, so my parents have had to give up my wedding fund to move closer to me and my sister.  Her wedding was paid for completely and mostly planned for her by my mother, but they don't have the money or the time for that anymore.  I make more money than my fiance and he's in the process of getting a second degree so most of his spare money is going to I'm pretty much saving all $10k for the wedding by myself, planning everything, and the extreme amount of the people pleasing in my personality has made me feel a lot of guilt about every decision I've made that someone disagrees with.

The whole process has been overwhelming and exhausting and expensive, but I have pretty much stayed on top of everything else but the dress.  I now am left at four months left until my wedding and still no dress and not feeling any better about going to try one on (I should have known time wouldn't magically make my self-esteem issues evaporate...I just kept pushing that out of my head).

I know this post is a bit of a mess, there's just been a lot of tears about everything lately.  I feel tremendous amounts of pressure and anxiety and I haven't felt that whole "Princess" bride feeling for even a second of this process.  It doesn't feel like my big day, it feels like work.  And I'm worried I'm not even going to feel pretty during it.

I don't know what I'm expecting here....just somewhere to vent everything, I think.  I've been stalking the boards for awhile and I know I'm not the only emotional plus size bride here, so thank you for that sense of community, even if I've never talked to any of you before.

Re: Just Needing Some Emotional Support

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    For the record, I am a street size 18/20, and look killer in my dress for my wedding in 18 days (at any size).

    Get a dress that makes you feel good-it doesn't need to be more than that. Some people don't have the stereotypical bridal me, it's one dress, for one day, and if you still are anxious, realize that one day in the grand scheme of things with the love of your life isn't worth getting worked up about.
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    Also-remember that what the samples look like is not at all what you will look like-alterations are a beautiful thing, and a good seamstress is like gold.
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    You are more beautiful than a number.  Stop basing your worthiness to look gorgeous in a wedding dress/suit/jeans/sweats/etc. on a number/size/etc., base it on the fact that you're marrying a wonderful person who loves you with their whole being.  Spend some time falling in love with your new body!!!  Yes, look at yourself buff in the mirror!  No one tells you ahead of time that t's possible that you had a higher natural Lean Body Mass to begin with which will affect the results of GBPS.  Whether that's the case in your particular situation or not, learn to love the body you have because taking care of it will become easier! 

    Be honest about your budget (AFTER alterations are added in - and be assertive about this fact!)when you go in for a consult and do not get caught up about the date.  You still have plenty of time!  Do not rush/force yourself into a decision if you aren't ready to make it that day.  It is o.k. to take a pic and think about it. 

    I have to say the David's near me was FANTASTIC about NOT telling me a number and simply pulling dresses in my budget and timeframe that fit properly without much need for alterations (I was there for an anniversary dress off the rack on short notice - there on Tuesday before leaving Thursday for our trip)... 

    Good luck!  You're going to look FANTASTIC on your wedding day!

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    I didn't have GBPS, but I have a lot of the same feelings. I was in a size 24 at my heaviest (7 or 8 years ago) and I've only hit size 16 in the last few months. I was having dress-shopping nightmares before he even proposed because I was sure it was going to be a waking nightmare when it came time to actually shop. Nothing was going to fit, and the things that did would be back up in the 20s and I would look fat in all of them. I broke down in tears last time I shopped for a winter coat; how much worse was a wedding gown going to be?

    Yeah, no. Dress shopping was kind of the best, and I'm a little sad that it's already over. I was right that some things ran small and the samples didn't fit, but it was no big deal; there were plenty of things that did, and I felt pretty in all of them. I usually hate full-length mirrors, but at the bridal salons, I couldn't stop staring at myself. I bought a size 16 gown after trying on about a dozen dresses labeled between 14 and 24.

    So...yeah, you might cry in front of people. But they might be happy tears, and bridal salons are used to people crying. So just remember that you're definitely not the only one with these feelings, and that it's okay to cry.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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    First off, it's great that your parents were able to help your sister with her wedding, but it's also not fair to compare - situations have changed.  The other thing is, it sounds like you're putting a whole lot of stress on your shoulders.  Are you taking time off from wedding planning and doing anything just for yourself and stress relief?  I know I've met with a 'health coach' and the first thing she asks me always is 'What are your weekend plans' and then after I rattle through them if I don't mention anything that's just for myself (even if it is as simple as watching one of my 'guilty pleasure TV shows') her next question is 'That's nice, but what are you going to do for YOU?'

    As far as your size, every girl has body issues; a girl that is too skinny may have to deal with comments that she's got a eating disorder, a girl that you may deem as perfect may secretly judge herself because she has "cottage cheese thighs" or she doesn't like how wide her hips are - we all judge ourselves.  It's the way we are programmed by society.  I know not everybody likes Ellen Degeneres, but I remember her saying something that kind of stuck with me - she said something to the effect that no matter how much weight we lose, we typically always see ourselves as our heaviest.  It's true, we are our own worst critics.

    As for dress shopping - I was terrified myself.  When you meet with your consultant, tell her what your concerns are.  An experienced consultant will listen to you and help make dress decisions based on your body type.  The dress that was 'runner up' for me, I didn't want to try on - AT ALL.  The consultant basically said 'Please just try it on for me, I just got it in, it's your size and I haven't been able to see it on any bride to be yet - I think you'll be surprised'.  I loved the dress, but it wasn't right for my venue. 

    So here's my advice to trying on dresses:
    Be open to try on ANYTHING.
    If one dress of a certain shape doesn't work, it might just be a 'bad dress', you won't know until you've tried on one or two of the same shape.
    wear shapewear to try on dresses - this will help smooth out the lines and give you a better impression of the dress.
    Let your consultant know what your insecurities are.
    If you fall in love with a dress - don't be afraid to sleep on your decision.  More than likely the dress will still be there the following day.
    Look at images of plus sized brides - do you see their insecurities or do you see a happy bride?
    Most importantly:  Remember to have fun!

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    You are beautiful in both of those pictures!

     I was nervous about trying on wedding dresses as well. I am a street size 18.  The one thing I made sure I did was go to a store that had plus-sized samples. That was the best thing ever, because I had options, and the consultant working with me made me feel beautiful.  And some of the dresses did not look right but there were many that looked awesome on me and it was such a wonderful experience.  I felt like a princess and I kinda wish I could go back and try on dresses for fun, haha!  You don't have to be a size 8 to look good in a wedding dress. 

    The only other thing I will say is not to let the sizes on the dresses bother you.  Wedding dresses are notoriously cut small, so going by measurements you may have to order a larger size number, but it really means nothing.  The real endpoint is getting a dress that fits you beautifully. 

    I got long-winded, but seriously, I think you will feel better getting there and trying on some dresses. Bring one or two supportive people, and have fun!!  And come back and show us some pictures!
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    Chin up, you're going to look great!
    Daisypath Wedding tickers
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    Eeeee, I love it! It looks great on you, and I absolutely love the neckline. I'm glad you found one you love!
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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    You look gorgeous! I'm also in love with your dress.

    I'll also add that I never had a princess moment when I was dress shopping. I never cried either. But I still loved my dress and felt beautiful in it- all while being at my all-time heaviest.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
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    Thanks for the support, everyone. Ended up finding my dress and feeling way better in it than I expected to :blush: Wouldn't say I really had my "princess" moment and I didn't cry, but the lady who helped me was awesome and the gown was much more flattering than I expected. I actually look like I have a waist!

    Oh my gosh you look GORGEOUS!!!!!! (BIGTIME wow's here!!!!)  It's all about the fit/flatter!  I hope this is the turning point for you in all things clothing because I can envision you now going out and shopping for an entirely new dress wardrobe that shows off those lovely waistline you've got!!!!
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    Wow, you look great!!! We are paying for our wedding ourselves as well, and my family paid for my sisters wedding too, but hey we get to do it our way and not have worry about people pleasing. I'm so glad you found a dress you love and oyu look amazing in.
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    First off- you look incredible (in both pictures, but that red skirt, OMG!).

    Second- I can definitely relate to this. I am also 5'4, and in the last couple years I dropped from about 200 lbs to 127. I still see myself as closer to 200. When I see my clothes off my body I never expect them to fit. I get nervous when walking through tight spaces. I expected the body image issues to come off as quickly as the weight did, especially since I rarely felt insecure about my body when I was 200 lbs. Surprisingly, what really helped my body image was having some professional pictures taken, specifically swimsuit pictures. Something about the process, and seeing the weight loss right in front of me, made me feel way more secure. I don't know if you wanted advice with this, but I hope that is helpful to some extent.

    Third- I know hearing how gorgeous you look barely changes how you feel, but you are insanely pretty and I don't just throw that around. From a purely shallow perspective, everyone is going to be stunned when they see you on your wedding day! 
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    zombie- wedding has passed and OP has not been active since July.



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